That’s right ladies and gentlemen. According to Harrison, this is the wedding that America has been waiting for!

Seriously. I didn’t make that part up. He actually said that on camera. With a straight face. And a twinkle in his eye.

This is why we adore the Hare.

Since I’m knocking this recap out with only 30 minutes to spare before I have a phone chat with my new BFF Cord McCoy (Mesquite Rodeo THIS WEEKEND PEOPLE!) I thought it might be fun to make last night’s curious, memorable and head shakable moments into a quiz. Get all the answers right and you could win your very own pair of kicky green Manolo Blahniks!

Let’s begin!

Which was more cheesetastic concerning Jason’s opening montage?
a.   His tough guy facial scruff that when left to grow, would turn into full-blown mountain man in a matter of hours.

b. Jason’s “be present” t-shirt.

c. Jason carrying Molly around Seattle on his back as if she were a baby Cottontop Tamarin monkey at the Bronx Zoo. (Totally Googled that.)

d. How he rhymed “star gazing” with “amazing” in a pre-ceremony note that the wedding coordinator made him write before she attached it to the wedding bouquet.

Which was your favorite location in which Jason began to cry?
a. On the bench when he’s remembering dumping Melissa on TV.

b. In the meadow when Ty comes running toward him.

c. The alter when Molly walks down the isle.

d. When Jason is reflecting with his father as he looks at their reflections while trying on tuxedos. That’s deep.

Moment you knew there will inevitably be a naughty x-rated tape of Vienna and Jake.
a. When Jake said, “A day with us will make you throw up.”

b. When Jake said over a pot of boiling noodles, “I feel deprived. I need a kiss.”

c. Eating one of the said noodles a la Lady and the Tramp.

d. Jake covering Vienna’s eyes as they watch Ali straddle him in the middle of a park in San Francisco. This actually turns Vienna on.

The moment in which you screamed and pointed at the TV:
a. When you spotted the ABC intern frantically throwing plastic over anything that stood still.

b. The fact that the ABC intern was wearing a black “Bachelor” shirt.

c. The fact that the ABC intern was hotter in person than in your imagination.

d. All of the above.

Which of these statements presents the bigger Jim Halpert face moment during the Jill and Ed montage?
a. Jill is planning a wedding and there is no wedding date.

b. Jill is happy that their potential wedding location has a lake…or an ocean…nearby.

Which song best describes the moment following former Bachelor Charlie’s announcement that he and Sarah will be moving in together at the precise same moment Sarah says she won’t be moving in with Charlie until she’s engaged?
a. Single Ladies

b. Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

c. This Will Be (An Everlasting Love)

d. Don’t Know What You’ve Got ‘Til It’s Gone

Which sponsor had the best product placement of the night?
a. Neil Lane – Official ring sponsor of The Bachelor

b. Macy’s – Official wedding registry sponsor of The Bachelor

c. Bellagio – Official Bachelorette/Bachelor party sponsor of The Bachelor.

d. Ken Paves – Official hair extension sponsor of The Bachelor.

Why did Molly and Jason feel that their wedding planning was super easy?
a. Because ABC paid for the entire thing.

b. Because ABC paid for the entire thing with the help of Macy’s.

c. Because ABC threatened to pull the plug if Molly and Jason didn’t like everything the wedding coordinator (paid for by ABC) suggested.

d. Because ABC paid for the entire thing. For reals.

The 17 girls who were invited to Molly’s bachelorette party consisted of:
a. Her sister, bridesmaids and house party.

b. Her sister, bridesmaids and any Pi Phi pledge class members who were still single.

c. Her sister, bridesmaids and daughters of top executives and Macy’s.

d. Her sister, bridesmaids and the floor show from Cher’s show at Caesars.

Jaw-dropping, high fiving one-liners from the show:
a. Stripper teaching Molly to dance: “We start with grabbing the ankles. And then push the butt up.”

b. A nameless dude toasting Jason: “Of all the women Jason has proposed to, Molly is the best.”

c. ABC security tackling a member of the paparazzi, putting him in a head lock and hand cuffing him on the side of a ravine.

d. Jason Castro playing his ukulele while singing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” while a rainbow is actually in the sky.

Favorite Ty moments:
a. Ty making brownies with Molly on national TV.

b. Ty tackling Molly at a park on national TV.

c. Ty reading a book with Molly on national TV.

d. Jason telling his Dad that he and his ex-wife have decided that Ty shouldn’t be on TV.

Best former Bachelor cameos that made you think of six degrees of separation:
a. DDAHnna…who dumped Jake for Jesse the snow boarder, smiles lovingly at her new boyfriend Stephen who is the brother of Break Dancer Mikey who was dumped by Jillian. Harrison looks at DDAHnna’s left hand which is ringless. Mute Stephen says nothing. DDAHnna scolds Harrison for scaring her boyfriend. NOW SHE’LL NEVER GET MARRIED OR HAVE AN ABC WEDDING SPONSORED BY MACY’S.

b. Jillian…who was dumped by the groom…is there with Ed. Our Host asks if there is a wedding date set. Ed laughs and gives Hare a “bless his heart” look as Jillian confirms that their Macy’s sponsored wedding will have blue skies. Or at the very least…an inside contingency plan.

c. Snow boarder Jesse, who was dumped by DDAHnna sitting two rows over, had a wing man in Richard and is totally getting the 4-1-1 on Nikki who was also dumped by Jason.

d. Single Mom Stephanie…who was let go by Jason…is wearing the latest fashion forward style – pink fur. Her outfit was sponsored by the letter Q and the number 7.

The torrential downpour during Jason and Molly’s vows reminded you of:
a. Hurricane Ike

b. That scene in Karate Kid II where Daniel San has to save the little girl ringing the emergency weather bell.

c. Gene Kelly

d. Your worst nightmare.

True or False
Our Host announced during his toast that he had a surprise for the newly wed couple. Instead of a wedding song by Gavin DeGraw, you thought Melissa Rycroft was going to pop out of the cake.

True or False
Molly actually told Jason that their story was the perfect trifecta of reality, romance and roses.

True or False
The statement above made you throw up a little in your mouth.

Let me know how you did! Until then, I’m

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee

ATTENTION OKLAHOMA READERS:

I know that some of you know or know of someone who knows Jet and Cord McCoy – the alarmingly adorable brotherly cowboy duo of The Amazing Race. I implore you to do whatever it takes to secure me an introduction. We all know I’m a sucker for a cowboy hat. And belt buckles. And starched jeans. And darling boys in starched jeans. Thank goodness for the Houston Rodeo. Can I get an amen from the congregation?

Wait. Where was I?

Oh right. Come on Oklahoma! Hook a sister up!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled recap.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Valentine’s Day candy or have a Bikram Yoga instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

We begin the last leg of this journey listening to Jake channel his former glory days as an airline pilot as he rattles off the weather report for the viewing audience.

Jake: “It’s going to be a beautiful day in Saint Lucia. The weather is 90 degrees in full sunlight. A perfect paradise for falling in love and throwing rocks into the ocean. I expect a turbulent ride these next few days, but that doesn’t stop me from the excitement of seeing my loved one. And by loved one, I mean my Mama.”

Jake goes on to tell the camera that he and Tenley have an amazing level of communication and that she is too good to be true. He follows that statement with the obligatory, “But Vienna and I have lightning hot chemistry.”

Gee. I wonder who he’s going to choose?

Jake: “I knew from the beginning that Tenley was perfect for me. I’ve never communicated on a level like that before. But Vienna is a vixen. We don’t even have to talk because her tongue is down my throat all the time. And she calls me Baby. She makes me feel like I’m the only guy in the room.”

Hey Jake. Call me crazy, but aren’t you the only guy in the room most of the time? Feeling a bit intimidated by the key grip and ABC intern are we? Trust me. No one is going to pull a Roz ever again. The ABC lawyers are all over that situation. Now if they want to lie about their job to get out of the game so they can be the next Bachelorette…that’s totally acceptable.

Our confused Bachelor is excited to see his family and all but cries tears of joy when he enters the cabana to find not only his parents, but two brother and “the sisters-in-law.” He claims to be very relieved that they all put their medical practices on hold to come to his rescue and offer a second set of eyes on his future wife’s resumes.

Jake: “Seriously family unit…I could marry either one of these girls. They are night and day different.”
Sister-in-Law 1: “But which one fits the unit?”

Jake: “I don’t know. I need help.”
Dad: “Do they make you laugh?”

Jake: “Yes Father. They do. And they laugh at my cheese ass jokes.”
Sister-in-Law 2: “Wow. They are special women. Bring them to us and we will decide who is best for you young Jake. Leave it to the women.”

Jake: “You will meet Tenley first. She’s 25 and has a ton of experience. We connect emotionally. Then there’s Vienna. She is drop dead gorgeous. She came to meet me. ME! And she didn’t make any friends. The girls hated her.”

A red flag literally rose from the back of Jake’s Mom’s Sallie’s head at that precise moment. Her eyes began to squint and her lips pursed with disdain. She exchanges glances with “the sisters-in-law” and then softens her voice to speak.

Sallie: “My son. She is a girl that all the other girls didn’t like? There’s something to that dear one. Listen to reason.”

Jake tells the camera that he feels like a colossal dufus for leading his mother into a negative opinion of Vienna.

Tenley approaches the cabana with a darling coral dress and perfectly coiffed springing curls fresh off the iron and a spray tan that glistens in the afternoon sun. She has a ginormous bouquet of exotic flowers that she presents to her future mother-in-law before making the round extending hugs to everyone.

Immediately, Sallie and “the sisters-in-law” are at ease as Tenley begins her romantic comedy soliloquy of how she and Jake are falling in love. She regales that the one thing that makes her admire Jake so much is that his character is strong and a direct reflection of his parents’ upbringing.

Jake’s Dad begins to cry, which makes Jake cry. The brothers get emotional and head outside. I assume so they can Mesnick out on the balcony overlooking the sulpher springs. “The sisters-in-law” begin to smile as Sallie takes Tenley outside, away from the emotional roller coaster helmed by the men in her life, so she can really ask the important questions.

Sallie: “Let’s say you had a fight with your sister…”
Tenley: “M’am. I apologize for interrupting. But I make it a point to never argue. One should settle any discrepancies over a nice batch of homemade chocolate chip cookies and a glass of ice cold milk. Or spoonful of sugar.”

Sallie: “OK. Let me put this another way. Conflict. Have you ever had any conflict in your life? I mean, aside from having to make your outfits out of curtains you find in your bedroom? Or being stuck in that tower all the live long day before my son came riding up to save you on his white horse?”

Tenley: “Oh my goodness. Yes. This is something I don’t like to talk about more than once a day, but I need to tell you a secret.”

Sallie: “Let me guess. You pricked your finger on a spinning wheel once? Look Rapunzel, it is very important that ‘the sisters-in-law’ get along well. The women are the glue that hold this family together. I raised a bunch of pansies and need to know that you can handle the heat in the kitchen.”

Tenley: “Of course. I love cooking. I’m a baker. You should try my strawberry cupcakes. They are famous. But I do need to tell you about my past. I was married. And he left. But I’m here. I don’t give up. And I want to be in this family and be one of ‘the sisters-in-law’ because Jake is an incredible man. He is so beautiful.”

Sallie gives the thumbs up sign to “the sisters-in-law” and tells Jake that Tenley has her stamp of approval and that the other girl shouldn’t bother showing up. Meanwhile, Tenley makes the father cry again during her alone time and they share a Kleenex.

Jake tells his Mom that Tenley hasn’t seen his fun side. He wonders if she will be able to let loose and not be so perfect.

Sallie: “You and your brothers are TOUGH. I didn’t raise a bunch of girly men. You tell her that you like to rough house and wrestle and be playful because you are a MAN who grew up with BROTHERS and that’s what you do.”

Jake: “I know Mama. I little organized rough housing in which the rules are clearly stated beforehand is good for the soul. I should put her to a test and see if she’s spontaneous.”

Jake finds Tenley with his Dad’s head in her lap, jerks her up and runs for the pool. He stops. Takes off his kicky orange super sports watch (that is probably waterproof if I had to guess) flings off his flip flops and jumps in.

So spontaneous.

Then Tenley follows and they make out in the deep end. Shortly after, the older mute brothers check with their wives and their mother to see if they can be spontaneous too. All three give the nod, watches and shoes are removed and two more bodies enter the deep end for a big, wet, awkward group hug. Tenley removes herself as the brothers continue to embrace.

The women are inside planning defense against “the other girl” and Dad is Mesnicking poolside.

All is right with the world.

The next day, Vienna shows up outside the cabana waving to Jake and calling him Baby. He melts, takes her hand and walks to a secluded bench. He reminds her that she just needs to be herself.

Vienna: “I’m nervous to meet your family. No one ever likes me at first.”
Jake: “Just be yourself. You are good at that. Please keep your shirt down so my Mama doesn’t see your weird tattoo and we should be fine. Oh. And keep your mouth shut as much as possible. Ready?”

Vienna enters the living room nervously grabbing her hair extensions. She leads off the conversation by telling the family that she is from a small town in Florida. Oh yeah. And the girls hated her from the beginning.

Sallie shuts down. She’s done.
Sister-in-Law 1 says that Vienna is controversial.
Sister-in-Law 2 tells the camera that she thinks Vienna has no class.

Sallie: “Did you have trouble getting along with the other girls?”
Vienna: “Yep.”

Sister-in-Law 1: “Why is that?”
Vienna: “Because I’m brutally honest.”

Sister-in-Law 2: “You couldn’t be more different than Tenley.”
Vienna: “I know. I’m not a robot.”

Sister-in-Law 1: “If you are so honest, tell me. Am I pretty?”
Vienna: “Yes.”
Sister-in-Law 1: “Does this outfit make me look fat?”
Vienna: “Yes. Just kidding.”

Sallie is ready to stab Vienna with her shrimp fork.
Lincee is cheering Vienna on. This is fabulous TV.

Sister-in-Law 2: “What do you like about Jake?”
Pause.
Pause.
Pause.
Vienna: “I don’t know. He’s sweet. Most of the time.”

Sallie is done. She aggressively places her napkin on the bamboo place mat and asks/tells Jake to take a walk with her.

Sallie: “Jake. I worry about ‘the sisters-in-law’ and ‘her’ ability to get along with them. I’m going to tell her that. I can’t sit here and watch you choose this over Tenley. She is gong to poke fun. Can you imagine? Look down the road. Look at how she will poke fun! We don’t tolerate poking in this family!”
Jake: “But Mama…”

Sallie: “Are you defending her Jake?”

Jake tells the camera that he thinks his Mama and Vienna are not meshing well. Then he admits that he feels like he’s always trying to talk people into liking Vienna. What is up with that?

It’s called thinking with the big head and not the little head Jake. You should try it.

Meanwhile, “the sisters-in-law” have ambushed Vienna. Naturally, Vienna is oblivious.

SIL1: “What is your opinion of Tenley?”
Vienna: “She’s sweet but she has no opinions. It was really annoying. She doesn’t know the Jake I know.”

SIL2: “And which Jake might that be?”
Vienna: “I challenge him. He likes it.”

SIL1: “Is Jake in love with you?”
Vienna: “Yes.”

SIL1: “With Tenley?”
Vienna: “No.”

SIL2: “You are going to feel pretty stupid when he picks Tenley.”
Vienna: “I can’t see my life without him. I love Jake and want him to be happy. If Tenley is the one, it will break my heart, but oh well.”

Vienna leaves to face Sallie. “The sisters-in-law” find Jake to report their intel.

SIL1: “She is abrasive when you first meet her. After we talked, we know that she really cares about you and see you for who you are.”
SIL2: “I just think that when I first met her, I judged her. And I’m feeling guilty about that. Let’s hug it out. She is a great girl with a heart of gold.”

EXCUSE ME? What in the world just happened here? Hold the phone and rewind, because I think we have just experienced a major chunk of editing! The non-crying sister-in-law is crying over VIENNA? Jake is crying because the non-crying sister-in-law is crying? Vienna has cracked the Mom?

I smell conspiracy theory. Money has been exchanged. Is there a Mob in Florida? Because somebody’s Daddy is a member for sure.

One-On-One Date with Vienna
Jake decides to brave the pungent odor of sulpher springs in order to get all hot and bothered rubbing mud on his White Lightning Lover. Vienna ordered a new hot pink bikini from Victoria Secret because she didn’t want to mess up her green one with the ruffle.

Jake: “We can’t keep our hands off each other. There is a natural chemistry.”

And there was mud. And rubbing. And more mud. And more rubbing. Vienna smears mud on Jake’s washboard abs and begins to draw pictures.

Vienna: “This is what I want to do to you later.”

Jake doesn’t get it because he’s looking at the graphic upside down. The ABC Intern quickly runs in and dumps more mud on the X-rated drawing and reminds Vienna that this is a family show and encourages her to write something sweeter. She giggles and opts for “I Love You” in perfect penmanship.

After five minutes of what could have been aired as a soft porn promo for Cinemax, Jake and Vienna take it to the waterfall so they can rinse off. I’m assuming Vienna lost her bottoms along the way because somehow she managed to have on purple board shorts when they headed to the rinsing station. Another five minutes of rubbing and touching in the water and the producers have fulfilled their “steamy” obligation in their contract with ABC.

Vienna dresses in her signature color green for her sexy date night with Jake. Panties were clearly optional. They toast to the last date on this journey and begin to re-enact their mud date.

Jake: “I would be lying if I said I didn’t thoroughly enjoy covering Vienna in mud today. But I don’t want physical attraction to get in the way of my judgment.”

He starts to have his first normal conversation with Vienna, making sure to put at least two feet of space between them so she can’t confuse him with her boobs and tongue.

Jake: “Can I ask you a question? What was it like being married for three weeks?”
Vienna: “The best part was that Hooters catered our reception. Other than that, it was pretty lame. There was no love. (She inches closer.) There was no passion. (She touches his thigh.) We were dumb kids.”

Vienna presents Jake with a box she made by spray painting shells she found on the beach. Inside, there is a note rolled up like a scroll. Her promise-to-never-run-off-and-get-married-again-ring is holding the rolled up note together.

Jake reads the note out loud. He looks like he’s about to hurl in the mosquito netting that surrounds the bed. Instead, Vienna says she wants to fall asleep in his arms. That’s when Jake begins to cry. And whisper sweet nothings into his beloved’s ear.

Then they do the thing she drew on his abs, but that wasn’t on TV.

One-On-One Date with Tenley
Immediately, you can tell that Jake is forcing happiness with Tenley. The tension oozes from his body the minute he runs to greet her in a position that I once saw on the greatest of all time movies Urban Cowboy. However, Bud and Sissy executing this maneuver were much cooler than Jake and Tenley.

They board a yacht. They snorkel. They look at mountains through binoculars. There was no mud. There was not heat.

In fact, there was a great big “I AM SO NOT IN TO YOU” face that Jake wore the entire date, that I’m surprised Tenley didn’t demand to be taken back to her tree house immediately.

And to make matters worse, Jake decides this moment to reveal his true feelings. Well…sort of.

Jake: “Tenley…you captivate me on every level emotionally. It’s so deep. Are you concerned at all about how the emotional is alarmingly high and sometimes it feels like the physical isn’t as high?”

Tenley looks at Jake like he’s grown an additional head from his body. Jake senses danger.

Jake: “What I mean is that it’s not sexual. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But you know, it’s not crazy, mad, compassionate or even love. Does that make sense?”
Tenley: “I think we have heat, but do you not think we do?”

Jake: “Girl. Heat is VIENNA and she was on fire yesterday in the sulpher springs. Man. She drew this thing on my belly and I was all, ‘What’s that?’ and she was all, ‘I’ll show you later.’ Do you have anything you’d like to draw on me? I can find some mud or maybe a magic marker.”

Tenley gathers her raw emotions and begins her speech:

“Jake. I want a man who loves all of me. I want them to love me as much as possible. Did you know I had an ex-husband who did not do that? That’s right Jake. I was married before. And it hurts to know that you think we don’t have physical chemistry. But I will continue to smile and sing and dance. Because you can’t take those away from me.”

Later in Tenley’s tree house, Jake confesses that he didn’t mean to hurt her feelings and that he was sorry. Jake says that her eyes and teeth are pretty. Tenley refuses to clue in on the fact that he never really said they had heat and forgets that there was still no spark and goes on to tell the camera that she can’t wait to join Jake’s family.

She presents Jake with a home made shadow box filled with mementos of their time on the show together. Jake begins to kiss Tenley while she still holds the box. His eyes are shut so tight, just willing a spark.

Alas. There is none.

When you are The Bachelor, the best way to ponder about loving two women in your life is to take your shirt off, roll up your pajama pant legs and dip your feet in a reflecting pool.

If you are Tenley, you put on your striped bikini and have your morning coffee on the veranda of your tree house and dream of living there forever…Swiss Family style.

If you are Vienna, you take a walk on the beach and draw a heart in the sand. Then you wash off in a see-through shower on national TV.

And if you are the diamond sponsor of Season 27 of The Bachelor like Neil Lane, you give the poor confused guy two rings to hold on to until he chooses his bride.

Rose Ceremony
After long montages of the girls getting ready and Jake crying, we see our beloved Host Chris Harrison standing in the tall grass waiting for the first girl to arrive via helicopter. Not a hair is out of place as he takes the hand of the golden goddess Tenley. He marches her to the end of the Bridge of Doom as Jake waits in a sea of begonias on the other side.

Tenley tells the camera that she is ready to leave her past behind and start the rest of her life. She will give her heart to Jake.

And he will hand it right back.

Jake: “I love that we have the same values, morals, temperament and ideas on life. Your positivity is infectious. But there is not heat. You are perfect. But there’s something that is not there.”

Tenley goes on to hold her head up high and be a gracious loser for about 10 minutes. I feel the best way to portray this part of the episode would be through one of my famous MINICAPS.

Jake crying. Tenley crying. Tenley hurting. Lots of thanking. Lots of crying. Declaration of loving. Remembering how to love. Learning to love again. Giving of hearts. Apologizing. Crying. Crying. Tears. A bit of snot. Ugly crying. Feeling special. Mascara running. Hand holding. Bridge escorting. Pausing. More crying. More questions. Silver lining searching. No heat. No magic. Fake smiling. Death gripping. Saying goodbye nine times. More thanking. More crying. Our Host yelling GET ON WITH IT. One last look. Tears. Execution of the Half-Mesnick.

After Jake collects himself, he waits as Our Host escorts his green Grecian love across the Bridge of Doom. Vienna blurts out that she is in love. Jake gives an aw-shucks grin and asks, “Really?”

No Captain Obvious. She’s only told you every day for the past eight weeks.

Jake gives her the please-don’t-get-married-in-Vegas-again-because-I-just-might-beat-the-guy-to-a-pulp-and-go-to-jail ring from her father back and replaces it with the Neil Lane one. He gets the biggest cheese ass look on his face and tells Vienna he loves her and asks her to marry him.

Cue the “Wings of Love” video montage. Nice.

AFTER THE FINAL ROSE
Before I’ve had the opportunity to digest what’s going on, Our Host Chris Harrison is bringing out Tenley so we can reflect on the emotional day that we just watched less than 14 minutes ago.

After talking about the proper definition of physical chemistry and her ex-husband, I still have no time to process the fact that Jake is coming out to meet Tenley in the hot seat. SLOW DOWN HARE!

Jake comes out and hugs Tenley long enough for her to be overpowered by how good he smells. We know this because she admitted it on TV. Awkward.

Ten: “How are you? Are you happy?”
Jake: “I’m good. Yes, I’m happy. I haven’t told my Mama yet, but I don’t care. I will stand up to the family if it kills me. I DO NOT WANT TO BE A DOCTOR LIKE THE REST OF YOU OKAY? I DON’T WANT TO BE A PILOT EITHER. I JUST WANT TO DANCE!”

Hare: “Easy Jakey Boy. Calm down. Tell Tenley again that you had no physical chemistry so she can go choreograph an interpretive dance and we can start the after party!”

Ten: “Yeah Jake. I just don’t understand what was missing.”
Jake: “I wanted a spark to be there. Truly I did. My family loves you and that is so important to me. I probably won’t ever get to go back to Christmas in Dallas again. ‘The sisters-in-law’ would never accept me. But my heart just wasn’t in it and I had to follow my heart.”

Ten: “I think it was unfair to Vienna that you were so attached to me at the end. I wouldn’t want to be in that position.”

The Audience: “BURN! OH NO SHE DIDN’T!”

Jake: “I will always love you no matter what Tenley. You have a life friend. This is not goodbye. Vienna will be okay with it. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be hard pressed to talk her into a threesome. Besides, I need a backup because when Sallie meets the Vienna parents, it’s going to be sad and she’ll probably make me break up with her. Can you hang on for a few months until my contract is up with ABC? And will you vote for me on Dancing with the Stars?”

Tenley kisses him on the cheeks and twirls off the stage.

OHCH: “Dude. How tough was that?”
Jake: “It was hard. She’s such a great friend. But Vienna is my Baby.”

[Cue “awwwww” from the audience.]

OHCH: “So what is it about her besides the obvious?”
Jake: “She’s passionate. Romantic. Adventuresome. Protective.”

OHCH: “She carries condoms in her purse?”
Jake: “Precisely.”

OHCH: “That’s great Jake. Now it’s time for me to throw you under the bus and make my favorite blogger Lincee Ray the happiest person on the face of the earth. You were a bit emotional this year and even had a couple of Mesnicks along the way. Do you feel like a total door knob? Or are you okay with it because most of them were just half-Mesnicks?”

Jake: “Ha. Ha. Very funny Chris.”

OHCH: “On the serious. I’m happy for you guys. She wasn’t the popular choice. In fact…she was down right controversial. And you know how we love those ratings! You pleasantly surprised me by growing a pair and telling everyone to be damned! You are not here to please anyone but yourself.”

Jake: “My Mama is going to kill me, but I think I can be quite happy in a swamp in Florida.”

Enter Vienna. Thank goodness someone got a hold of her hair. NO ROOTS!

OHCH: “Wow Vienna. Everyone hated you. Even the tabloids. What’s that about?”

Vienna, forever clueless or careless, just giggles and smiles and keeps her focus on Our Host Chris Harrison’s hair line.

Vienna: “I know! They say I have a secret boyfriend. So secret…I don’t even know him.”

Bah dum dum.

Jake: “You know what Chris? That’s okay that people don’t get my decision. I know her heart and her value and her passion. She is the best girl for me given my choices on this show. Everyone will have to trust me. Do you hear that Mama? TRUST ME. It’s my life and I listened to my heart. The fact that she never wears underwear had nothing to do with my decision. NOTHING.”

After announcing that Vienna will move to Dallas immediately and me wondering how that is going to happen because Jake will have to be in Los Angeles to film Dancing with the Stars, Our Host Chris Harrison presents them with a vacation back to Saint Lucia.

But that’s not all.

In order for him to drop the charges against illegally using his lyrics at least two times per episode, ABC springs for the effervescent Jeffery Osborne to serenade the couple with…you guessed it…ON THE WINGS OF LOVE!

It was, perhaps, THE most painful serenade in front of a live studio audience ever filmed. I fast forwarded. I will not tell a lie.

But Harrison is not done. Oh no. It’s time for the most dramatic reveling in ABC history. Who will be the new Bachelorette debuting this May? Hold on to your hats ladies and gentleman, because ALI is here to stay.

Wah. Wah.

I can not tell a lie. I fast forwarded again. I can only assume that her work understands that she will have to be away from her duties for more than two weeks why she pilfers through 25 buxom young men just waiting for her to straddle them like she did Jake in the meadow that day.

So that’s it green beaners! I have to say it’s been a fun ride this episode. ABC kept us on our toes! And to learn that Jake is competing on Dancing with the Stars? And Ali is the new Bachelorette? And Jason and Molly’s wedding is airing Monday? And 20/20 is having a special on behind the scenes of The Bachelor?

This is not goodbye. This is hang on for the ride through the summer!

Besides the Bachelor, we will have Idol recaps (TEAM BOWERSOX), another exciting installment of Big Pimpin’ and probably a post on my unnatural obsession with the TV show Chuck.

And remember…someone needs to help find me the McCoy brothers!

Until then, I’m all about the shame…not the fame,

Lincee

At least until the Bachelor Pad 2.0 debuts next fall, but that’s neither here nor there.

It’s your choice readers.  Be heard.

Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for all of your sweet messages and well wishes about the passing of my uncle. I wanted to write a proper post about him, but I just haven’t been able to stir up the energy to write something that will honor his memory. I am overwhelmed by the support of perfect strangers and feel so loved by the outpouring of love from so many people. Thanks again.

Now…on with the mini recap!

In keeping with my WTA tradition, I will be bringing you one of my famous Top 10 lists. I call this one:

Top 10 Things We Learned During Women Tell All Wings of Love Edition

1.  The two hour episode could have been cut to about 30 minutes of dirt we didn’t know coming in to the show.

2.  The Bachelor Pad show looks like a frat party for 30-somethings. There will be drunken orgies, Kiptynite’s abs, Natalie the bear lover and apparently He Who Must Not Be Named will be counting nipples. I know. I don’t get it either. But did I mention that Kiptynite’s abs will be there?

3.  Some of the old Bachelors and Bachelorettes give back to the community. Eighty percent of the guys and girls we don’t remember, but one thing we do know — Hip Hop Mikey Michael is still adorable. And DDAHnna is going after elementary kids now. How sad.

4.  The girls think that Tenley dreams in cartoons and fell out of a Disney movie. Gia put it the best when she told the camera that Tenley probably sh*t rainbows. I had to rewind the DVR because I was laughing so hard.

5.  Moment number one when Hare was awesome:
Elizabeth: “I wanted him to pursue me.”
Hare: “But you toyed with him.”
Elizabeth: “I know. I felt pretty stupid after watching the show.”
Hare: “You are never as cool as you think you are.”

6.  Biggest Jim Halpert Moment
Michelle: “I don’t need a therapist. I am stable.”
Valishia: “Maybe you are a little unstable.”

7.  Answer Roz’s lawyers told her to memorize: “Absolutely not.”

8.  Lamest thing to come out of Jake’s mouth: “My heart was crying when I let Gia go.”

9.  SHUT UP if Our Host Chris Harrison is singing WINGS OF LOVE!

10.  Hare asks Jake if he is happy with his decision. Jake answers that he is happy. Not with his decision, but that he’s happy. Could our winged Bachelor be pulling a Womack this season?

We shall find out next week!

While I’ve been spending time with my family, a new Bachelor blogger friend has graciously stepped in to share his recap of last night’s episode. DP and I connected about three weeks ago and I’ve loved the male-perspective view he provides in such a smart and witty manner. His writing is truly hilarious! Feel free to give him your props in the comment section and please visit his blog at www.guyinaustin.blogspot.com.

* * * * *

It’s Episode 7 and Jake is getting down to making it all happen with the remaining three ladies: Tenley, Gia, and Vienna. There’s a lot at stake this episode and there’s a lot of bad editing to prove it. Let’s get to it.

We begin with the usual reminders about last week’s show when Ali faked like her job required her to return to San Francisco and left Jake to sob on the nearest banister despite not directly asking her to stick around. We leave the sunny beaches of California and head to the island of Saint Lucia in the Caribbean for some, well, sunny beaches. We get a lead in of the many adventures that the ladies will soon be experiencing with Jake. Jake tells us that St. Lucia is the perfect place to fall in love. Apparently, he forgot he said the same thing about San Francisco a few weeks ago. Ah yes, there’s nothing like a quaint Caribbean island that was once a stop over on the slave trade where thousands of men were stolen from their African homeland, stripped from their families, strapped into the hull of a ship, and transported thousands of miles across the ocean to be sold as chattel. Perfect. In spite of this we get a detailed recap from beginning to end of the “courtship” of each lady.

We begin with Gia and her propensity to greet Jake like a rabid monkey by flinging herself at him and wrapping her legs and arms around his manly man shape. We are reminded of the staged game of spin the bottle they played in the vineyard and we revisit the many looks of Jake. Yes, from tattling pilot, to motorcycle tough guy, to boat shoe wearing cruise ship director guy, all the way to the current coral choker necklace guy, we see all of the looks we’ve grown to love. I felt more like I was at Build-A-Bear Workshop rather than watching the Bachelor. Jake tells us that his “chemistry with Gia is electric” and that he is truly falling in love with her. Electric, huh? Ok.

By the way, was there a pilot in the Village People? If not, there should have been. Seeing Jake in his pilot uniform made me realize he would make a good Village Person. I suppose a pilot is a just as valid gay stereotype as a biker or a construction worker. Why was there in Indian in the Village People, though? Does anyone know any gay Indians—I mean beside that guy in the Village People? What was his name, Dances with Cher? Totem Pole? Get it? Alright, enough of that. Back to the show.

Next, we have to hear about Tenley’s divorce again, which is odd because I wasn’t aware she was divorced. I must have missed it the first five thousand times she mentioned it this season. Of course, that number is a rough estimate. It’s probably much higher than that. Tenley re-asserts her angelic, disease-free status and takes a few moments to bash her awful cheating ex-husband again. No wonder that guy is selling his story. You can only kick a dog so many times before it bites back, Tenley. Seriously, we get it. He cheated. Move on and lay off already. Perhaps an interpretive dance illustrating the raw emotion and heartbreak associated with the divorce would provide some healing. Do us a favor and do that off camera, would you? Jake tells us that he and Tenley want the same things out of a marriage. He doesn’t list any of them but we know that they share an unabashed love of the box step. Oh, and he’s truly falling in love with her too.

Next, we move to Vienna. Is there any doubt she’s going to be the one he picks? Jake tells us that even though she’s been the “center of all of the drama” in the house that their “connection is undeniable.” Even though she’s “a little immature” they can work on maturity together. Right. Look, if this guy wants to put his starter home and gazebo at risk by marrying a 23 year old Hooters waitress with a bitter, broke ex-husband and an unhealthy attraction to her own father, so be it. It’s not like he wasn’t warned. Ali practically set herself on fire trying to tell him that Vienna is trashy. He’ll be wiping eye shadow and tanning cream off the Formica counter tops of his single vanity bathroom and pulling bleach blonde, straightening iron-damaged hair from the shower drain in his starter home in Denton until she meets some rich guy in Dallas and splits. To be fair, her degree in Interpersonal Organizational whatever has to be a difficult perk to walk away from, though. He’s also falling in love with her too. Good luck, Jake.

Oh, and by the way, I nailed Vienna’s Hooters waitress status in my first episode blog. I’m not sure if the fact that I can pick a Hooters waitress out of a crowd of 25 women is a good thing or if it’s pathetic. What matters is that I was right. After all, life is about the small victories, isn’t it?

After the initial set up, we cut to a contemplative Jake wading in the ocean in board shorts and a green t-shirt skipping rocks off of the ocean’s surface and wondering about Ali. Miraculously, just as he’s wondering about Ali, she and the camera crew she brought home with her to San Francisco are waking up. Apparently, Ali sleeps in a monogrammed robe and has a stack of 8×10 glossy pictures of Jake on her nightstand. That actually sounds like something Michelle would do, but whatever. Ali does her best “I’m trying out for the Bachelorette” walk, brood, walk, brood move and tells us that she’s made the mistake of her life by leaving the show. Apparently, her job selling ad space for Facebook was not the answer to everything. Go figure. Incidentally, it looked to me like she had plenty of time to brood in the shadows of various San Francisco landmarks. So much for the demands of the office.

We finally get to the first of the three dates and we see that Gia gets the dreaded first date. Getting the first of the three fantasy dates is like being the fat, injured guy in the Donner Party. The end is inevitable, which is a shame considering the fact that I actually started to like Gia despite her fiberglass face and speech impediment. Sure, she’s a bit shallow and high maintenance, but that doesn’t make her a bad person. I felt like sobbing on a banister.

Jake sports his giant new orange sports watch with gray shorts and a t-shirt. For some reason he’s brought a backpack on the date as well. Gia shows up with a striped, oversized, off-the-shoulder sweater thing she stole from the fat, injured guy in the Donner Party paired nicely with a pair of Daisy Dukes. She “surprises” Jake on Pigeon Island, finally remembers to bring a scrunchy, and off they go to Gross Islet in a speedboat to slum it out among the marijuana and rum soaked locals vying for a few bucks of Jake’s hard-earned cargo pilot money. Jake tells us that “Gia and I’s” relationship is growing. What? Didn’t we go through this with Vienna a few weeks ago? “I” is not a possessive pronoun. He apparently forgot the existence of the word “our” when forming that thought. I’m not sure I trust this guy to fly whoopi cushions and Snuggies from one place to another anymore.

Jake lets us know that he wants to see Gia and her $1,000 shoes among “people who try and make an honest living.” Since when do local Caribbean homeless people make an honest living? The last time I checked modeling in New York was an honest living. It just happens to pay better than attempting to bilk tourists out of their money by selling them trinkets and St. Lucia flags at inflated prices or playing tunes on an overturned plastic bucket and then hounding unsuspecting foreigners until they relent by coughing up their money. Besides, Jake lives in Denton. When was the last time he actually saw a minority much less interacted with one?

Gia is happy because “all the natives are hanging out.” Couldn’t she have gone with “locals” or “residents”? It’s not like she’s going to be tied up and placed in a giant pot of boiling water in the center of the tribe and eaten when the bongos stop. She really needs to go north of 125th Street more often. Jake gets ripped off and buys Gia a trinket necklace from one of the honest natives and for some reason Gia puts it on her wrist. Frankly, the entire thing felt staged. Oh wait, it was.

Gia and Jake go to Smuggler’s Cove with their little remaining money in search of dinner and ridiculously repetitive conversation. They find both. Gia’s deep. Jake’s deep. Gia looks great. Jake looks great. The most interesting thing was the bedazzled hair thing Gia was wearing coupled with a stunning sparkly short dress. Jake tells us that he puts everyone before himself (Please) and that her dream is his dream and his dream is her dream. It was good that he dropped that line when he did because it was time for Gia to purge dinner anyway. Presumably, she thanked him for the assist. In perhaps the most vague and meaningless statement ever uttered by, well, anyone, Gia tells Jake that, “it amazes me that you know how you feel about certain things.” Well said, Gia. Well said. She tells Jake that she’s never met guy as deep as him. Considering the fact that she’s from New York and that the dating pool consists of guys like Pauly D and The Situation from Jersey Shore, I actually believed her. By the way, seeing Gia I couldn’t help but think, “what in the hell is SHE going to do in Denton, Texas?” Can you imagine?

After dinner the Fantasy Suite card from Chris Harrison magically appears. Harrison, who much to my chagrin has yet to make an appearance, invites the lovely couple to spend the night together. Jake acts surprised and does a good job at hiding his fear of sexual contact with a woman. Gia lets us know that “she’s ready to go all the way” and off we go to the fantasy suite where Jake and Gia haphazardly shed all of their clothes before carefully double knotting their bathing suits and gently settling into a bubble bath for some make out shots. Gia looked stunning in her black bikini with pearl straps around her neck. The suit was fitting considering the fact that Jake was not about to give her a pearl necklace. You know, because he already bought her a necklace that day. In the end we are left with the sinking feeling that Jake opted out of a roll in the hay with Gia. What a waste of a Fantasy Suite.

We next go to Rodney Bay where Jake waits anxiously by a helicopter with his giant orange watch on his right wrist. In an instant, Tenley’s parents pull up in the SUV to drop her off and the giant orange watch is on his left wrist. Huh? It was like that shot of Lee Harvey Oswald holding a single action Italian rifle in his backyard where the negative was mysteriously turned backward in order to create the illusion that was holding the rifle in the opposite hand. Tenley arrives in her usual green tanktop and denim shorts looking semi-virginal and divorced and promises her dad that there will be no making out before exiting the SUV and meeting Jake. They hug and Jake lets Tenley know that they are going on a helicopter ride despite the presence of a giant helicopter ten feet in front of them. Tenley makes a mental note to perform an interpretive dance about the flight and off they go.

Jake and Tenley arrive at the Swiss Family Robinson treehouse and proceed to share feelings over a lovely picnic in front of the sugar cane processing plant built by slave labor and abandoned long ago in hopes it would never be seen again. So much for that idea. They might as well have gone to Poland and picnicked on the Auschwitz front lawn.

Jake impresses Tenley with talk of spontaneous free vacations to the Cayman Islands because of his job as a pilot. He failed to mention that she would have to ride in the cargo hold of his plane in a crate with a bottle of oxygen, a jug of water, and a milk jug full of urine in order to get there. Who needs details when love is in the air? Tenley buys his bulls*it and they smooch uncomfortably. Jake and his orange sports watch take Tenley to the beach for some gratuitous bikini shots and some From Here to Eternity make out shots in the surf. Jake does his best Burt Lancaster in board shorts impression and Tenley takes a shot at her Deborah Kerr in a much smaller bikini impression.

Tenley and Jake wash the sand out of their rear ends and gussy up for an evening at Le Sport. Tenley looks lovely in her royal blue summer dress with a red and white strip at the bottom. Jake lets us know that he can “be himself” around Tenley. Predictably, they discuss—what else—her damn divorce. Tenley shows Jake the scarlet letter “A” on her chest and Jake tells us that she makes his heart smile. Good Lord. Jake kicks off his two left footed flip flops because he’s ready to take the box step to the next level. They “dance” to no music for what seemed like an eternity. I really wanted Chicago or Jeffery Osborne to show up, but that didn’t happen. Maybe they were booked. Tenley drops a “you can eat my salmon” line telling Jake “you can dip me forever.” Hey now, I thought she wasn’t that kind of girl. To hell with the bossa nova. Blame it on the box step.

After the dancing, Tenley ices her stepped on toes and reads the Fantasy Suite card from Harrison. She immediately ditches her virginal tendencies and agrees to a night in the suite with Jake. Well, to be fair to Tenley, there was no real risk of sex, but I did find myself yelling at the TV like the audience in a Shaft movie for Jake to close the deal. I realize that’s like yelling at the Cubs to win a World Series, but whatever. Jake tells us he loves Tenley’s values, morals, and temperament. Temperament? Tenley confesses to once having had cooties and they make out a lot. At that point, it was time for me to purge.

Next we go back to Rodney Bay (didn’t he play for the Lakers?) for the big date with Vienna. Jake shows up in red board shorts, a brown t-shirt (presumably the third one in the Fruit of the Loom colored undershirt packet he purchased for his three dates), flip flops, and his giant orange sports watch. He’s ready to see Vienna’s “fun, light, and immature” side. Vienna shows up in orange short shorts and a tank top with an owl on it over that same green bathing suit with the hide the junk in my trunk ruffles she wore in the hot tub in L.A. I suppose she was still hoping for a pearl necklace. You know, because Jake hadn’t bought her one yet. Jake and Vienna board the Unicorn pirate ship and Jake proceeds to make an ass of himself by wearing an eye patch and carrying a rubber sword while spouting pirate metaphors at Vienna. He looked like the Flying Doucheman. It was painful to watch and I’m going to just gloss over it. There’s some face licking, some groping of Vienna’s bow and stern, and a new instrumental version of “On the Wings of Love.” Perhaps I purged too early.

Jake and Vienna climb to the top of his mast and we get some incredibly shameless shots of Vienna’s crows nest. Keeping the phallic symbols alive, Jake shoots his cannon while Vienna giggles wildly and we get a voice over of her best valley girl voice telling us how much she loves life. Jake finds her nurturing. Hmmm, I found her to be a selfish brat, but then again, I wasn’t actually there. I take comfort in knowing that if she and Jake don’t work out, she always has the security of returning to Florida to work at Hooters or in the meth lab her parents run out of the swamp they live in.

Jake sends Vienna out on his plank and then tells us he needs to make sure that their relationship is more than sexual because she’s “pretty smokin’ hot.” We all begin to wonder if the Denton Hooters accepts transfers and offers a relocation package. Jake and Vienna towel off and get ready for dinner. They “wow you look great” each other and Vienna is excited about “Jake and I’s relationship.” Again, with that? I suppose their wedding invite will say something like “Come watch us celebrate Jake and I’s Marriage”. Perfect. Vienna stuffs her face with salad and tells Jake she’d like to run off forever with him. Wait, didn’t she try that already before emptying the guy’s bank account for some free boobs before filing for divorce five months later? Again, who needs details when love is in the air?

Jake asks Vienna what type of engagement ring she’d like and she suppresses the desire to say “a big one,” opting for “princess cut and a thin band.” Subtle move, Jake. I wonder how big a diamond he can get on three months’ cargo pilot salary? Perhaps he can build some backyard gazebos for some extra cash. The Fantasy Suite card comes and Vienna reads it . . . slowly and poorly. Of course, Vienna opts for the fantasy suite, dons a white teddy thing with a black g-string underneath (clearly a faux paux), and undoubtedly sluts it up in an attempt to seal the deal. Those French kissing lessons her dad gave her probably began to pay off. I’m sure Jake slept in his t-shirt and tighty whiteys just to make sure his dirty thoughts didn’t overcome him.

We see Jake in his hotel room after he rinsed off all of the Vienna looking in the mirror and moisturizing. The phone rings and Jake immediately puts on his giant orange watch.

Note to the producers: the orange watch messed up all of your editing this week. It might as well have been a live flare. If you’re going to splice all of the “spontaneous” moments together at least go with a more understated piece of jewelry.

Of course, Ali and her oversized bottom lip are on the phone. She wants to come back, made a mistake, loves Jake, hates her job, blah, blah, blah. Jake gets confused again, tells her he’s forgotten about her, lies about trying to process things, and fulfils his contractual obligation to the show by setting Ali up to be the next Bachelorette. Bad choice, by the way. She’s cranky and pouty. They need someone perky and fun like Jillian. Ali begs and pleads some more, drops to the floor near her cherry cabinets and stainless steel appliances and begins to accept (ironically) the reality of the situation. Jake broods out of his window and does some peeping into the rooms across the way.

Ali will eventually realize that she doesn’t have to live in Denton and she gets to travel the world while 25 overly macho, attention seeking, twenty-somethings fawn over her for another eight shows. That’s what they call in the advertising business a win-win situation. Perhaps if she showed up at work more often, she would know that. Good luck, Ali. We look forward to your invite to be the next Bachelorette next week on the Women Tell All Show.

Jake suits up for the rose ceremony and we all know that Gia and her lips are headed for the St. Lucia airport. Harrison shows up looking better than Jake in his understated, yet carefully tailored black suit and pink oxford shirt a la Danny Zuco at the prom with Sandy. He takes Jake to the temporarily relocated Lair of Seclusion for some what ifs and a recap of the dates. Clearly, Harrison is just punching his ticket this season. He’s got nothing to work with when it comes to Jake. He liked Jillian and Jason and that was obvious in his interaction with both of them. You can see the disdain for Jake lurking just behind Harrison’s eyes. Regardless, Harrison is a consummate professional and has clearly been briefed on all the goings on over the week. I’m sure his intern gave him his talking points over a rum runner and a big fatty at the local St. Lucia strip club. Harrison dials up the pressure, states the obvious, and heads for the rose ceremony.

Jake is confused. . . again. Frankly, he’s confused more than Tenley is divorced. How annoying. Jake views the girls’ video messages, which are predictable and boring. Tenley is giggly. She arrives in a black dress with a yellow flower in her hair. She looked great. Gia, who apparently partook in the smoking of the weed with Harrison before filming her video, arrives wearing a blue silky dress and a strategically placed scrunchy. She looked hot. Vienna tells us in her video that she wants to be with Jake for “the next 80 years.” Assuming Jake’s life span is 112 years that will be possible. Idiot. She arrives in a full length red silky no-so-flattering dress with crimped hair and a sh*tload of make up on. She honestly looked trashy.

Harrison sets up the two roses, helps the girls subtract one from three and retires to his penthouse suite to finish his stash. Jake wants to marry all three women and apparently doesn’t realize that he could just move to Utah and do that. Gia looks pouty and modelly as she gets stiff armed out of a rose. Jake pulls her aside and she fulfils her contractual obligation while sweating like a fat kid on a playground. We imagine that her brother Erick is polishing his brass knuckles and booking his flight to Los Angeles. Gia boards the pimped out SUV, cries enough to prove that her reconstructed tear ducts and nostrils still work but not enough to make a fool out of herself.

So there it is. With the Amazing count at 100, Absolutely at 22, and at Journey 27, Tenley and Vienna remain as the two potential Mrs. Denton Housewives and we move toward the big finale. Next week is the Women Tell All, which should prove interesting. We’ll see Harrison earn his paycheck and we’ll see how bitter Michelle and Rozlyn are. In the meantime, I’ll be swabbing my deck.

Yeah. I’m going with that theory.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Christmas candy or have a Bikram Yoga instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Right off the bat, we are thrust into the roller coaster that is the home town dates. Jake reminds us that when forced to visit a girl in her home town, you get to know her on a deeper level and you get to see her in a family environment.

Jake: “Getting to know these families is huge. Because families are a big part of my life. And I could be proposing to one of these ladies. Wait. I WILL be proposing to one of these ladies in just a couple of weeks. I want to get along with my in-laws. I want them to like me. I want Harrison to be proud. Is he here?”

Home Town Date One
Player: Gia
Setting: New York City
Theme: “I’m Gonna Make Him an Offer He Can’t Refuse”

ABC pulls from their Good Morning America footage and graces us with a nice montage of all the New York City icons visited by tourists from around the world. Gia reminds us that she was born and raised and this is her city and she is excited to show him her world.

Jake pulls up in a black SUV, hops out on the curb and Gia tackles him with full force. Jake is super stoked because this is a sign that someone likes you. He goes in for the twirl and Gia obliges by wrapping her legs around his waist. He carries her on his hip for a good 12 blocks until he develops a muscle crap.

Jake: “So what are we doing today?”

Gia: “I thought the best way to show you my city would be by boat.”

In my head, I was thinking they were going to take one of those ferries that goes around Ellis Island. To my surprise, Gia boards what appears to be a pimped out yacht.

This was my first clue that Gia’s family was more than likely members of the Mafia.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Gia is ready to let her guard down on the yacht. She wants Jake to know she is spunky and fun and insists they take pictures of each other.

Gia: “We are going to make memories today.”

Jake: “Okay. How about one of you in front of Lady Liberty?”

Gia: “Sure! Do you want cute, romantic or sexy pose?”

Jake: “Sexy. Definitely sexy. Hey? Why are there bags of cement over in the corner?”

Gia: “Oh. Pay no attention to that. Here. Get in the picture with me. Let’s do one kissing.”

Jake: “Oh boy! Let’s do two or three this way!”

Jake tells the camera that he gets lost in Gia’s kisses. He does not, however, tell us why he is sporting a 1994 black beaded necklace that looks as if it was straight from the wardrobe trunk from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.

I’m guessing someone bet the ABC intern that he couldn’t get Jake to wear it on national TV. That’s the only logical explanation. Truly.

Jake admits to Gia that he is nervous to meet her parents. She doesn’t realize that it’s because he saw some questionable “red paint” on the railing of the yacht. He wonders why she never talks about her past relationships and assumes this must be a sore topic for her.

Gia: “My last relationship was bad. He wasn’t a good guy. He was into bad things. He was not committed to the family. And he cheated on me with all my friends.”

Jake: “That sounds awful.”

Gia: “We didn’t communicate well. We fought all the time. So my Dad took care of it and now here I am!”

Jake: “Your Dad took care of it?”

Gia: “Never mind. Hey! More sexy kissing pictures!”

Later, Jake and Gia meet her family for dinner. Jake is greeted by her step-father Tony, her step-brother Eric, her half-brother Dylan, Uncle Silvio, Uncle Paulie and a rather large man, no relation to the family, named Vito who insisted he sit between them and the front door.

Gia’s best friend forever (AKA: Mom) is also there. They all cry, kiss cheeks, slap backs, kiss rings and sit down for some delicious connolis.

It is at this moment that I realize Gia’s lack of New York accent. Sure it pops out every once in a while, but when her Mom started quizzing Jake, I had to turn on the mute button so the closed caption for the hearing impaired feature to pop up in order to understand what she was saying.

Mom: “Jake. So you wanna marry my dawtah?”

Jake: “Yes.”

Mom: “You know I’ll have to tawk to huh every day. Does that bothah you?”

Vito cracks his neck. Eric squints his eyes. Tony puts his hand on Jake’s shoulder.

Jake: “Nope. S-s-s-sounds great.”

Mom: “Because if you fawl in love and get maired, that means you have each utha’s back. Will you have huh back?”

Jake: “Yeppers.”

Mom: “Are you going to break huh hawt? You’re dating fowah girls Jake. That’s not a way to make my Gia feel special. What makes huh so special Jake?”

Jake: “She has an organic way about her. She’s different from all the others.”

Eric: “She’s been hurt Jakey Boy. I don’t wanna see anything happen to huh, capiche?”

Jake: “Oh you betcha.”

Gia confesses that her Mom’s opinion means the world to her. They later go outside for a smoke to discuss Jake and his intentions.

Mom: “I think he loves you Gia. I watched his bawdy language. He grabbed your arm. That’s love kid.”

Gia: “Mah. He does that with awl the girls.”

Mom: “He loves you. I know it. Cawl it intuition, but I feel it in my hawt. Reach for the staws kid, but leave one foot on the ground. And one eye on the enemy. And one hand on your piece. Are you packin’ right now Gia Doll?”

Gia: “Mah.”

Mom: “It’s okay. Your brother has his knife.”

Meanwhile, Eric has been scaring the life out of our Bachelor.

Eric: “…I mean, she’s been screwed around by so many people.”

Jake: “Ha. You said screw.”

Eric looking upset: “Watch it fly boy. Hear me clearly. If I have to hunt you down and break a few legs, I’ll do it. Oh I’m not being funny. Treat her right. Or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes.”

Jake swallows hard and shakes his head so that Eric will know he understands. They leave the restaurant and Gia suggests they sit on a brownstone stoop to watch the cars go by.

Jake: “Wouldn’t you rather we go somewhere less open?”

Gia: “No. I’d rather sit here and make out with you.”

Jake: “Sounds great!”

Home Town Date Two
Player: Ali
Setting: Willamstown, MA
Theme: “I Am Here for All the Right Reasons. JUST KIDDING!”

Ali tells us that she is ready to leave the drama behind and just focus on Jake. When he arrives in a black SUV, she tackles him, he lifts and twirls. Then they kiss and tell each other how amazing they both look.

Jake takes her hand to try and generate some friction because this good ole’ southern boy is COLD. The ABC producers insist they sit on a bench and talk about missing each other. Ali says that she used to come to this very park to catch falling leaves so she could make a wish. Jake, excited at any opportunity to get his blood pumping, takes a tree branch and begins shaking it fiercely so Ali can catch a leaf. Ali thinks this is adorable and takes about 10 minutes to decide what she should wish for.

Next, she tells Jake that there is an impor-ant place she wants to take him.

Jake: “Is it someplace warm?”

Ali: “No. The heat’s been turned off. It’s my grandma’s old house. The last time I was here was for her funeral. It was so sad. I can’t explain in words how super, super impor-ant it is for you to go there with me.”

They walk to the house and sit on the steps outside. Ali says that she cared for her ailing grandmother. And that she was like a mother figure. She confesses that before she died, she called her to say that she was going to meet this boy named Jake and she was so excited.

Ali: “I hoped I could introduce you and now you’ve met!”

Jake: “Oh. Wow. That’s neat. Do you see her now?”

Ali: “Oh no silly. I know she’s looking down on us. See how the clouds are parting and that one stream of sunlight is beating down? That’s symbolism.”

Jake tells the camera:

“That was so intense. It made me think of life and love and death and stuff. This could be the woman I share those types of experiences with in my own life. Sort of weirded me out a bit, but I’m over it now because I keep thinking surely she’ll give me another one of those back rubs.”

Later, Ali takes Jake to meet her Mom, sister and brother. At the dinner table, Mom shares that she had never seen Jake on the Bachelor before, so she Googled him.

Poor Jake looked like he was about to hurl his chicken spaghetti all over the table in fear that Ali’s Mom might dare mention He Who Must Not Be Named.

Fortunately, Mom talked about a clip in which Jake said that physical beauty fades, but what’s inside your heart is the important part.

Jake wipes away the rather large bead of sweat pouring down his face. Ali beams with happiness.

Ali’s Mom takes Jake out back to sit by the fire. They talk about the importance of family and she gives Jake her blessing to marry Ali. Then she tells Ali that she knows he will pick her because her gut says it’s so. And she looks forward to planning a wedding. And then she tells the camera that her gut doesn’t fail her.

Ali: “Today was perfect. My family is smitten. I am soooooo in this. I want to be there at the end. I want it. I want you. If you asked me today, I’d say yes.”

Jake is so touched by her confession that he dramatically removes his black gloves, grabs her face with baby soft hands, gives her a long seductive stare and goes in for a Wings of Love instrumental kiss.

Home Town Date Three
Player: Tenley and the memory of her ex-husband
Setting: Oregon
Theme: “Oh I Wanna Dance With Somebody”

Jake tells us that he connects with Tenley on so many levels and is excited to see her. When he does see her, guess what? She runs, jumps, twirls, wraps and kisses him.

Tenley takes Jake off to a gazebo to talk about her ex-husband and the important of making your own decisions.

Tenley: “What parts do your parents play in your life?”
Jake: “How do you mean?”
Lincee: “Are you a Mama’s boy?”

Tenley: “My ex let other people plan his life. Like his parents. Do you make your own decisions? Or do they help you along the way?”

Jake: “I run most everything by my parents.”

Tenley: “I’m glad you make your own decisions and want to be a team you’re your wife. That is honorable and wise.”

Now part of me just wants to rush through this next section because it is so gut-wrenchingly embarrassing to me that I can barely make myself type the words.

But life isn’t about me. It’s about you. What would Our Host Chris Harrison say if I just up and skipped this part?

Ten takes Jake to the dance studio where she taught ballet when she was young.

Tenley: “I love to dance. I express myself through dance. My ex-husband never appreciated that about me.”

Jake: “Well I certainly will.”

Tenley: “Oh thank you Jake! It’s the dance of my heart. Can you push play and then come sit right here?”

Jake: “Sure, but isn’t that stool a little high for what…oh who cares. I’m sure you’re very flexible. I’ll keep my mouth shut.”

Tenley proceeds to lyrical dance to one of the more memorable “march down the wedding aisle” songs with a huge grin on her face. It was awesome and awful all at the same time. I kept waiting for her to grab a bouquet of flowers. Jake kept wondering when the pole was going to extend from the ceiling.

But we can all agree: Home Girl is sporting some impressive calf muscles.

It was a little like this:

Tenley: “Jake was beaming. He was beaming! He made me feel confident and adored. Just like a June bride! Now I have someone to dance with FOREVER!”

Jake: “When Tenley told me that her ex never saw her dance, I thought that was pretty strange. But I get it now. I’m glad I never pulled out the singles I had in my wallet! Heh, heh! But I was glad I got to see her do her thing. I just wanted to melt right in the floor.”

Jake meets Tenley’s family. We learn that the last time Tenley was home, she was telling her mom that the love of her life would never, ever be returning. We also learn that Jake is looking for clues to see if Tenley is over her ex.

Upon arrival, the family immediately begins crying. Dad takes Jake upstairs to get to know him.

Dad: “Tenley is grieving. (clue one) Her divorce was hard on all of us. I saw the show and thought you were a man of integrity. I admired you. Are you really that guy?”

Jake: “I think so.”

Dad: “The most painful thing for a dad is to see his daughter go through heart ache. I’m protective of her. It’s been a hard year.”

YEAR? She hopped on the reality train when she hasn’t even been divorced for a year? CLUE TWO.

Ten and her Dad later cry about Jake. Then the Mom cries with Jake.

Mom: “Are there any questions you would like to ask me?”

Jake: “Yes. Is Tenley ready to go down the road of marriage again?”

Mom: “I was choked up because she is different form the last time I saw her. Tenley is going to have emotional spill-overs for a while. Because of her divorce. (clue three) As far as her being ready, if anyone could be, it’s Tenley. She’s amazing and it’s my pleasure to be her mother.”

Jake then asks the Dad if he can marry his daughter. The Dad says yes and they both cry and then hug it out. Bro style.

Home Town Date Four
Player: Vienna
Setting: Florida
Theme: “I’ll Be Right Outside This Door”

Vienna sees Jake on the river pier and runs to him for the embrace and twirl. Vienna wants to show him where she grew up and that means getting in a pontoon boat and hunting for turtles and gators.

After gearing up to make fun of Jake for not knowing how to drive a boat, we learn that Jake does know how to drive a boat. And that he’s eaten gator tails. And can point out a turtle to Vienna who acts as if she’s never seen one before.

Jake: “So. Does your Dad like the guys you bring over?”

Vienna: “Nope. He’s only met two and really hated them.”

Jake: “What about the dude you married?”

Vienna: “Oh right. Him. I think they met once or twice. No big deal.”

Vienna admits that getting her father’s approval is super important. She puts him on a pedestal and wants nothing more than to give him every opportunity to treat her like a princess.

When they enter the house, we see Dad holding the infamous Chloe dog. Sadly, Chloe didn’t get as much TV time as I thought she would. She was dressed for the occasion though. Tiny pink shorts and a belly shirt.

Keeping with the theme (excluding Ali who has a heart of stone) the families cry at the reunion of their daughter. Snot and tears and Kleenex are abundant. The Dad quickly whisks Vienna off to see how serious she is about this yahoo.

Dad: “How do you REALLY feel about this guy? Is this a Justice of the Peace kind of love? Or the full enchilada Vegas wedding love?”

Vienna: “It’s weird. I feel like I’ve never been in love for real before. You can’t control it. He’s exactly what you want for me Daddy. I love him. And I love you so much.”

Jake follows the Dad into his pimped out garage and talks about how Vienna is a princess and he expects the boy to pay for dinner before extracurricular activities begin.

Dad: “I want her to be happy Boy. If you marry her, the kids will be raised right and the house will be clean.”

Jake: “Cleanliness is important to me too, Sir.”

Later at dinner, the Mom figure asks what qualities Jake liked in Vienna.

Jake: “I really like Vienna’s honesty. Sometimes, she’s brutally honest.”

Dad: “Nothing wrong with telling the truth Son.”

Jake: “Oh I know. Vienna and I connected just like that and the other women were very jealous.”

Sister: “You bet they were because she is so amazing. She’s been through that all her life.”

Dad: “You have him trained well my Princess.”

Jake and Vienna make out on her bed after throwing 19 stuffed animals onto the floor. He questions her fancy ring on her left hand and she reminds him that it’s her “promise you won’t go off and elope” ring from her Daddy. As if on cue, he enters and insists they keep 12-inches open between them. Vienna laughs hysterically and then tells Jake to take his shirt off before asking her father for five more minutes.

Jake: “It’s awesome to feel this way about Vienna. But it’s also scary.”

That’s right Jake. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Back in LA
Jake has just started his talking head montage about how the week was awesome and how he has fallen for all four girls equally and is later meeting with the ABC team of crack lawyers to see if he can get restraining orders put on anyone related to or involved in Gia’s life, when he hears a sharp knock at the door.

Ed is on the other side telling him that he has to leave the show to go to work. He’s wearing green shorty shorts and it makes me think of Larry Bird and Mike Brady all over again.

Oh. Sorry. Déjà vu. My bad.

Ali is on the other side with the most pitiful look on her face. She starts fake crying immediately.

Ali: “I have the most impossible decision to make right now. I just found out that I have to choose between staying here and going back to work.”

Silence.

Ali: “I can’t believe that I have to make this decision and I haven’t made up my mind. I need you to help me.”

Jake: “So what are you asking?”

Ali: “I don’t know!”

Jake: “I can say we have something really special. Ali, life is about minimizing your regrets. You just have to weigh which one is going to be a bigger regret. You are lucky and blessed to have a job, but I am lucky and blessed to have met you. Selfishly I would say stay here and take a chance on me. But I can’t guarantee you that I’m going to put a ring on your finger. But I can’t and say I’m not going to.”

Ali begins to look nervous that her diabolical plan is not going the way she imagined in her head. Jake stares at her with hurt puppy dog eyes, but gives her nothing.

Ali: “I’ll let you know at the rose ceremony.”

Jake: “Whatever you decide is okay.”

Lincee: “Cute pillows.”

The camera follows Ali out the door and down the hallway. In a moment of sheer desperation, she flings herself in the middle of the floor and proceeds to melt down in great sobs.

Not quite Academy Award nomination reel worthy, but close. She hopes that this display of emotion will be enough to merit her an invitation to be ABC’s next Bachelorette.

Thankfully, Our Host Chris Harrison is there to pick up the pieces with our dear Jake.

OHCH: “Dude. What’s going on with you and Ali? I heard there was some dramatic turn of events?”

Jake takes a 10 minute pause before summoning the courage to answer:

“Okay. This has never happened before in the history of the show I’m pretty sure. Get this. She will lose her job if she doesn’t go back! Can you believe it Chris? And she doesn’t know what to do? I don’t want to tell her to stay, but I did. I don’t want that burden, but I think I might cry if she leaves. But I can’t tell her she’s the final one because you guys said that I’ve fallen for four women.”

OHCH: “No, no Jake. You said that you are in love with four women. Remember how we practiced? Forget about them for now. Let’s milk this for a good 45 minutes. Let’s say she does stay and quits her job. Can you handle that if you don’t pick her in the end?”

Jake: “But I do pick her in the end.”

OHCH: “Dude! Calm down. Listen to the question. How can you live with yourself when she loses her job because of you? Obviously, tonight is going to be difficult. I’ll go get the girls. Figure out what you want to say. If you can’t figure it out, I’ve made an outline for you. Here. Read this.”

Jake looks longingly at the Pier One Bureau of photos and ponders:

“I thought all the drama was over. Now, the biggest bombshell is dropped on me. I thought I might spend my life with Ali. But Ali isn’t the only girl I am falling for. Vienna is hot. She lets me know she is here for me. Gia is attractive but it’s not about her beauty. I’m truly scared for my life to not pick her. Tenley is bright, vivid, wonderfully flexible and our kids would have amazing calves. We are totally connected and in sync. Tonight the tables have turned. I have no idea what’s going to happen.”

Our Host heads over to the ladies to wait for the sign from the producers that Ali should ask to talk to him for a moment. He takes her back to Jake who is still starring at the pictures.

OHCH: “I’ll give you guys a few minutes to talk. But just a few. The clock is set because I have reservations and will not be interrupted like I was last time. When the egg timer bings, you come get me.”

Ali to Jake: “I didn’t know I would fall in love and I would have to choose between a guy and my job.”

Jake: “Where are you with us?”

Ali: “I don’t know what to do. I’m more mad at myself for not knowing. So many what ifs and maybes. Here are my feet. Hold them. I couldn’t even fix my hair because I’m so confused.”

Jake: “Did you know that you would be signing up for about three months of this when you first applied?”

Ali: “I want it to be your idea for me to stay. I want to leave on my terms.”

Jake: “I don’t want you to go. You came here for a reason. When we were by that fire and you were kissing me, what did you feel Ali?”

Ali: “I felt like I met someone who was deserving of my love. But remember, there are still three other girls downstairs. I keep going back and forth. My mind was set that I was going to stay. Then I saw the other girls and had to go. Now that you’re rubbing my aching feet, I have to stay. If you were mine, the choice would be easy. I have everything I want in life except for you. Now I could leave with nothing if I stay.”

Harrison walks in clinking his bourbon glass just before Gary the Camera Guy gets a money shot of Ali’s business.

OHCH: “Cmon Ali. Sink or swim. In or out? Right now.”

Jake: “Ali, I don’t want you to go. Our time has been very deep and meaningful. I love the fact that I’m falling in love with you. I don’t want you to go. If you leave, I’ll be devastated.”

Ali: “Finally. Was that so hard? Let me muster up a sour face and some big tears. Hold on. Okay. I’m sorry Jake. I have to go.”

Jake and Ali hug, cry, sob, snot and walk down to the lobby so she can hit the road in a limo. Jake looks like his favorite puppy was kicked in the throat.

Jake: “I feel like you are slipping through my fingers and I don’t know how to stop you. So I am going to take my fingers and grab your face and kiss you like I’ve never kissed anyone before and then start crying at the end. That should be good.”

The door is shut. And then shut a little harder because it didn’t shut right the first time. Ali gives the performance of a lifetime as she wails to the camera that she’s not sure if she made the right choice.

Jake leans over the hand rail of the Beverly Wilshire Hotel ala Jason Mesnick and cries like a little girl.

Jake: “It hurts like crazy that Ali is gone. I didn’t expect to get my heart broken. Why does that always happen to me? I’m trying to find my inner strength. The easy thing is to give up right now. But there are three great women waiting for me. Each have given their heart. If I give up, I don’t deserve to find true love.”

An hour and a half later, Our Host tells the remaining girls that there will be no rose ceremony because Ali has left the building. The smiles that issued forth were priceless.

Jake is excited that he doesn’t have to hand out roses. And because he is so exhausted, he makes the girls come and grab their roses themselves because he knows Vienna is keeping a scrapbook of their life together. Then they group hug.

Coming up, we learn that the fantasy forego dates will be on the beaches of St. Lucia. There will be helicopters, a pirate ship and what appears to be a topless Gia.

And of course, Ali tries to come back.

Dramatic.

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee

You guys talk among yourselves until I get back. 

Now where did I put my toe shoes…

I implore you ABC producers. Listen to reason. The world needs more Chris Harrison.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Christmas candy or have a Bikram Yoga instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

After a bunch of squealing and shrieking at their hotel suites in San Francisco, Jake leaves the first date card with the ladies. In true Captain Obvious fashion, he hands it to the girl who will be going on the date and then promptly tells them to wait until he’s out of the room before opening the card.

First One-On-One
Tenley
Let’s Get Our Love on Track in San Francisco

Tenley jumps up and down like a little girl on Christmas morning. Since Ali is from San Francisco and knows everything there is to know about her home town, she deduces with certain confidence that more than likely they will be taking a trolley.

Our Captain Obvious count is up to two.

Tenley: “I’m so excited to finally get a one-on-one date with Jake and just hang out and see what it’s like to be a couple. It’s becoming real. My heart is beating so fast. I’m nervous. I’ve been anticipating this for so long. It’s hot in here? Oh geez. Now I’m sweating. Is anyone else sweating? I might need…yes…I will need a paper sack to breathe in and out. Ali? Can you get me a paper sack? Please? Corrie? Can you hold my hair back?”

Ali rolls her eyes and starts telling the group about how awesome San Francisco is and that Jake would be an imbecile not to invite her on a one-on-one date so she can show him around. Vienna stares off into space and Gia feels like the fifth wheel.

Jake admits that he is excited to go on a date with Tenley.

Jake: “Tenley is so sweet and positive. All the time. I mean ALL the time. It’s not annoying at all. And I know she’s been hurt by her ex-husband, so I’d like to see if I can get her to bad mouth him or get angry or something so I’ll know that she’s not a Stepford Wife prototype.”

The duo rides the trolley and hang their heads out the doorway. It’s your typical Rice-A-Roni commercial. (Clang, Clang!) The trolley lets them off at Chinatown and Jake regales that it’s just like being a foreign country…but not.

Captain Obvious count: 3

They play with fake swords. A Chinese woman convinces him that suckling pig is just like Texas BBQ. They try on funny hats. They make secret messages in personalized fortune cookies. Jake says there is definitely chemistry. I personally don’t see it. Tenley turns into Mama Bear and asks Jakey how he’s doing. There isn’t room for him to lay his head in her lap so he just quickly explains that it’s been a tough road. Tenley encourages him by saying he’s made really good decisions and then they kiss.

They walk outside and see a dude playing an instrument that appears to be made of a single bag pipe and an old Kleenex box. This is the moment the ABC producers told him that he was falling for Tenley.

Back at the California suite of the fancy hotel, there is a hard knock at the door. Corrie runs to fetch the date card.

It was at this moment that I wrote in my notes: Lord please. PLEASE LET IT BE VIENNA AND ALI! That’s just good television and it makes sense!

Low and behold…Corrie reads off Ali and Vienna’s names. NICE! You could cut the tension in that room with a sword you bought in Chinatown. The glares that swept from one girl to another were PRICELESS!

Ali: “I literally feel sick.”

Hey Ali. I’m going to need you to be a little more honest, okay? Tell us what is really on your mind. Don’t hold back.

Corrie: “SYKE! Totally kidding. I’m joking! It’s really a two-on-one date with Vienna and Gia. HA! You have to admit that was funny. Ali. Wasn’t that funny? Are you mad at me? I thought that was so funny. That’s my role. I’m the funny one. I make you laugh. Don’t hate me. Please don’t tell Jake I’m mean. Are we cool? Let’s change the subject. Hey Vienna. Are you mad that you are going on a two-on-one date?”

Vienna: “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Ali: “Look. We made a pact way back at the hot tub that day saying that we were all in this together and were going to tell the truth not matter what and just be honest with each other. For example, I think Corrie is an immature brat. Do you see her crying over there? She better hope and pray one tear doesn’t roll down that baby face of hers or I’ll give her something to cry about. Now what is your problem Vienna?”

Vienna: “I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to leave.”

Ali: “Do you want me to leave?”

Vienna sits back down: “That’d be great. Thanks Ali.”

Ali: “Oh no you didn’t! If you are upset with me, just tell me what you think I did and then I’ll convince you otherwise. Now spit it out!”

Vienna: “You flipped out at the rose ceremony because Jake gave me a rose. You hate me and talk bad about me.”

Ali: “How do you know I was talking about you, conceited?”

Vienna: “Dude. I heard you. I was standing two feet away and you were stage whispering. I’d have to be deaf not to know that you were talking about me.”

Ali: “It had nothing to do with you. It’s my opinion and it was a personal conversation I was having with myself. I’m so going to tell Jake that you are an eavesdropper.”

Vienna: “I didn’t do anything.”

Ali: “You talk bad about people in the house.”

Vienna: “THAT WAS YOU!”

Ali: “I only speak the truth. If you are honest, it’s not gossip. It’s healthy. XoXo Vienna.”

Vienna later tells the camera that Ali flat out pisses her off. She then says that Ali will never break her and Jake up because their love is strong enough to get through this storm. She is done with Ali. DONE.

Back in Chinatown, Jake tells Tenley it’s been 15 minutes since they ate and he is famished. He is taking her to a tower to have dinner. Afterwards, she is going to let her hair down so he can try and climb up it to rescue her from this crazy adventure.

When they reach the top, Jake is huffing and puffing.

I’m serious when I say that he has a medical condition. Bless his heart.

As they eat dinner, Jake decides to bring up her divorce again.

Jake: “You know more about marriage than I do. What mistakes in your marriage did you feel you made that you will be conscious of second time around?

Tenley: “I took things for granted. I regret not jumping off the couch or from the desk to greet him when he came home. He needs his slippers and his pipe and his glass of bourbon. That was my biggest mistake. I’ve learned so much. I will not give up on love. Giggle, giggle. What expectations do you have Jake?”

Jake: “That’s easy. I want my wife to always have my back no matter what. Respect from my wife is important. I want love, honor and respect…no matter what. Even if I do something stupid. A marriage is never going to be perfect, but love will be. Love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love.”

Tenley: “You’ve already quoted those lyrics to me Jake.”

Jake: “Sorry. I get so confused with all these women. I should write it down so I don’t repeat. This is embarrassing. Okay, how about this? I’d go hungry, I’d go black and blue. I’d go crawling down the avenue. There ain’t nothing that I wouldn’t do. To make you feel my love.”

Tenley: “I’m sorry?”

Jake: “Shoot. Before your time AND country. It was Garth Brooks. Let me try again. Wise men say that only fools rush in. But I can’t help falling in love with you.”

Tenley: “Don’t you just love UB40?”

Jake: “I do. And I love Elvis too, but that’s neither here nor there.”

Tenley: “I have a question for you. What about pilots and their reputation for being unfaithful?”

Jake: “Cheating is a choice. The woman I marry will be the last woman I look at.”

And then they kiss.

Jake tells the camera that is expectations were completely exceeded. The conversation flowed. The kisses were magical. And they even wrote the same super secret message (Kiss Me) on their fortune cookie fortunes.

It’s so perfect that the ABC producers all them up to the tip top of the tower and tell them to make out for a good five minutes so they can play the plinky instrumental version of “On the Wings of Love” which is conveniently available on www.abc.com to download for $1.99.

Two-On-One Date
Vienna
Gia
Come Be a Princess in My Castle

Back at the Hotel California, there is another knock at the door. A huge trunk has been delivered and it takes all four girls to drag it inside. Upon opening, they find layers and layers and layers of clothes.

Vienna: “Seriously. Jake knows me sooooo well. OMG. A trunk full of clothes? Dresses, coats, hats, scarves. It was really sweet of him to buy me so many pretty things. I am super excited to go on a date with him.”

Gia complains that she is not as outgoing as Vienna and is practically throwing in the towel before they even get to the Napa Valley vineyard. She’s also a little ticked that she has to go back to a vineyard for a date. There’s only so much hide-and-go-seek one can play in a vineyard. She’ll have to think of something else creative to do.

Jake: “I’m a bit nervous for this date. I want to divide my time equally among the two girls. I think it might get awkward.”

Captain Obvious count: 4

Vienna: “This is the perfect date for me. I’m my Daddy’s princess. Jake thinks I’m his queen since he’s bringing me to his castle and that makes him my Prince Charming! And if my dog were here, I’d dress him up as the court jester. How cute would that be? I’m going to write that down in my journal.”

Jake puts his arms around both girls (weird) and takes them to the top of the castle where they drink wine, eat cheese and stare at plates of salmon. Jake confesses that this is an overnight date and Gia is super stoked that she packed her toothbrush just in case.

Vienna lets us in on a little secret. Her strategy for the night is to pretend Gia isn’t there. She wants her boyfriend’s attention to be only on her and she will stop at nothing to keep him interested.

Vienna: “Jake, sweetheart, I just want you to know how happy I am to be here. I’d like to bring up a weird moment that happened last night. Remember how Ali was crying when you came back in? That wasn’t because she was sad about Jessie leaving. It was because she was upset that I was staying. She hates me and doesn’t understand how you could like us both. I had to hold in tears last night so you wouldn’t see me cry. And I don’t want the other girls to see me cry either. But it’s hard, so since we’re alone now, I’m going to let the flood gates open in hopes that you comfort me with a make out session.”

Gia: “I know you can’t see me because Jake is blocking my body from view, but I am here Vienna. You are not alone.”

Vienna: “Did you hear something? Must be a ghost. Anyway, boo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo…”

Jake: “There, there Vienna. You know I have specific reasons why I do things. I have the best four girls…”

Gia: “Hey there!”

Jake: “Five. I have the best five girls and don’t care what other people think. When I let go of Jess and Ash, I felt confident that I wanted you here.”

Gia: “What about me?”

Jake: “Oh right. You too Gia. Here. Let me lay down so that our shoulders touch and you can feel a part of this uncomfortable conversation. What is that too weird? Okay. Let’s you and I go for a walk and be alone.”

Gia reminds us that she is the insecure ugly duckling from high school and has never been on a date with a dude and another girl. She doesn’t like hearing stories about Jake either because it makes her disappointed in him.

Gia: “I’m falling for you. Then I hear stories from the other girls and I don’t feel special. You know how I put my legs in your lap? You do that with other girls. I thought that was our thing.”

Jake: “Hey! Calm down! I put my head in Tenley’s lap. Totally different.”

Gia: “I guess. It’s just hard. I don’t feel special.”

Jake: “I’m really, REALLY in to you. You are like, so kind, sweet and generous and drop-dead gorgeous. Are you falling for me? Because I’m falling for you.”

Hold the phone ladies and gentlemen! A confession of sorts. This is mighty interesting. Then they kiss and it’s the most passionate we’ve seen in a while. Could this be Jake’s front-runner?

Gia: “Is it okay to fall?”
Jake: “It’s okay to fall.”

Then they make out again. In the wine cellar. Very steamy. I, of course, miss it because I’m puking in the bucket I keep by my couch when chachtastic dialog like that comes up.

Meanwhile, the ABC intern gives Vienna an old timey lantern, turns her around in a circle five times really fast and challenges her to go find Jake and Gia.

Between takes of Jake and Gia making out like a couple of band kids in the back of the bus on the road to an away game, we see Vienna slowly getting lost in the castle. Gary the Camera Guy is of no help so she starts yelling out Jake’s name. The echo freaks her out. It doesn’t help that the ABC intern is making spooky noises while rattling chains. Just before she discovers the secret entrance to the Gryffindor common room, she yells “HONEY” to the top of her lungs and hears the distinct sound of smacking exactly 100 yards away. She quickly turns and finds Gia and Jake with smeared lipstick and goofy grins.

Jake is a little miffed that Vienna didn’t stay put for 30 minutes so he could get to second base with Gia. He takes her out to the courtyard and listens as she babbles on about how they are MFEO (meant for each other). She puts her feet in his lap and insists they talk about the wonder that is Vienna.

Then Vienna senses Jake is pulling away. He asks, “What do you want in a husband?”

Vienna: “I want to be like 16-year-old kids in love. Have fun, travel, and wake up in the morning saying I LOVE YOU. I don’t think it should die down. I am falling for you.”

Captain Obvious count: 5

Vienna: “I don’t want to share you with the other girls.”
Jake: “This is a crazy adventure.”

Uh oh. Vienna needs to tread carefully.

Jake takes Gia and Vienna to their room and awkwardly hugs them both good night. Vienna admits that she can see a spark between Jake and Gia. But that won’t stop her from stalking Jake again in the castle. In fact, this spark fuels her desire to find him and give him a proper kiss good night.

Vienna goes down to the basement and attempts to roll a barrel of wine up the flight of stairs to Jake’s room. The Napa Valley vineyard castle people are not happy with this and insist on giving her two wine glasses and bottle to carry to Jake’s room. The ABC intern demands $20 to show her where the room is located. Unfortunately, ABC producers confiscated her wallet upon arrival to the mansion five weeks ago. She compromises by offering to flash the ABC intern. In turn, he must show her the way.

The ABC intern obliges.

Vienna storms in Jake’s room, ready to talk about new beginnings and finding love. Jake looks like he is done and sports a very sour look on his face. Later, we learn that he was thinking of his 90-year-old great Aunt Tilley because he confesses to the camera that:

Jake: “Vienna comes in. I’m almost naked under the covers. I’m not going to lie. I had dirty thoughts. That was hot as hell. So I had to do whatever I could do to not partake in her night cap. Ergo…Great Aunt Tilley. Thinking of her does the trick every time when a bucket of ice cold water is not immediately available. She knew she should go back upstairs. I can’t do that to Gia.”

Vienna goes back upstairs with a sad heart. She admits that she feels she might have hurt her changes and she is worried that she won’t get a rose.

Second One-On-One Date
Corrie
Fun in the Park
Let the record show that I can’t stand sweaters worn with footless tights.

Now that I have that out of my system, we can concentrate on other uncomfortable things. Like Corrie’s date. So. Awkward. I split the time either hiding behind a couch cushion or singing “Kiss the Girl” from the Little Mermaid.

Who’s with me? You know you did too. Admit it.

Jake: “I’ve decided to take Corrie to a park. I’m going to run and greet her in the middle. I hope she doesn’t take my shirt off, because I’ll start sparkling in the sunlight. Just kidding. How cool would it be to be a vampire? See? Twilight is more interesting that this girl. Oh well. Let’s do this thing.”

After they twirl in the meadow, Jake takes Corrie to a row boat. Jake rows. Corrie sits and stares at his muscles rippling under his shirt. Corrie tells the camera that she doesn’t kiss boys and that she doesn’t date just to date. She wants the boy to go 90 percent and she will go the last 10. Poor Jake admits that he goes 80 percent and wants the girl to come the last 20.

Therefore, there is 10 percent of awkward space that neither want to cross. But they stare. And they gaze. And they give goo goo eyes. And they lick their lips. And they smile. And they stare.

Dare you see her
Sitting dare across the way
She don’t got a lot to say (amen) but dare’s something about her
And you don’t know why but you’re dying to try
You wanna KISS DE GIRL

Sha, la, la, la, la, la don’t be scared. You’ve got to move your head.
Go on and KISS DE GIRL.
Sha, la, la, la, la, la float along and listen to de song.
The song say KISS DE GIRL.

Jake leans forward. Tilts his head. And proceeds to remove a piece of hair from her face.

So close. Yet…not really.

They go to the museum and look at all the museum things. Corrie feels there is a cloud hanging around over her head. So she decides to be brutally honest at dinner.

Corrie: “I feel your head is somewhere right now.”

Jake: “We are moving so slow. Now is a critical time. Are you ever going to open up?”

Corrie: “I’m a virgin. Is that enough information for you?”

Jake: “Geez Corrie. I’ll settle for knowing what your favorite movie is or what’s currently on your iPod.”

Corrie: “I know, but I think we need to fast forward to the important stuff. I want you to meet my parents. I would totally live in Dallas. But I want my own apartment.”

Jake: “I like the movie Airplane and I just downloaded Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus. It’s catchy. And since I don’t know what else to say, I’m going to go 90 percent and hopefully kiss you right now so we don’t have to talk.”

Final One-On-One Date
Ali
Show Me Your Town

Ali is stoked that Jake is in her neighborhood. And she’s super stoked that he’s such a gentleman to lug her bag around all day long! Score! Not only that, he buys her flowers from her favorite flower shop in her neighborhood.

Jake: “What’s your favorite flower?”
Ali: “Daisies. Wait. You’re my favorite flower.”

I think Ali just called Jake a pansy.

After that foam mustache joke, I just might agree.

Jake asks Ali about a day in her life in this neighborhood that is so important to her. She rambles on about checking email and eating brunch. They kiss. Jake admits that there is a comfort level with Ali, but there are some serious questions that need to be answered.

But not before they take a walk by the beach. They stroll. They see a crab being eaten by a seagull. They play soccer. They spread out a blanket. Jake lays on his stomach and Ali offers to straddle him and give him a back rub. Jake feels like a pansy so he turns over, thinking Ali will un-straddle him.

She does not. She proceeds to remain straddled and starts to rub his pecs. Then they sort of half-way dry hump and he pulls her down to his chest for a make out session that includes Jake grabbing her butt.

Clearly, Jake doesn’t think that now is not the time for serious talk. Unfortunately, Ali does.

She leans back up, still straddled, and begins her soliloquy. Jake can only answer in two word sentences.

Ali: “I’m really glad you are here.”
Jake: “Me too.”

Captain Obvious count: 6

Ali: “I feel comfortable with you.”
Jake: “I know.”

Ali: “I think it’s time we leave.”
Jake: “Five minutes.”

Later, Jake has regained some presence of mind and asks Ali if there is anything bothering her that she wants to talk about. Perhaps something that happened at the last rose ceremony?

Ali: “I want to see you happy. It doesn’t matter what other people say. What are they saying by the way?”

Jake: “Do you have any questions for me?”

Ali: “I don’t need answers. If you pick me…great. If not, it wasn’t meant to be.”

Jake: “Are you sure? Nothing about Vienna comes to mind?”

Ali: “Crap. What did she tell you? I was not crying or talking mean about her. That room was very dusty and I had something in my eyes.”

Jake: “Vienna is incredibly honest and goes out of her way to let me know that she is here for me.”

Ali: “Let’s make out. Do you want a back rub? Lay down and then we’ll talk.”

Jake: “I have a better idea. Let’s run in the ocean with our shoes on!”

Ali: “OK. My kicky new boots will be ruined but who cares! Say I’m a bird.”

Jake: “Huh?”

Ali: “Say I’m a BIRD!”

Jake: “You’re a bird.”

Rose Ceremony
Again with the weirdness. WHERE IS HARRISON?

Jake comes in and tells the girls that he has fallen for all five of them. Looks of shock ripple through the group. He says he is totally confused and then asks for a cheers from the ladies.

Again. We need Our Host to handle these moments.

Jake takes each girl, excluding Ali, for some one-on-one time. First up is Tenley. She says she is falling for him and that she is nervous. Then she wants to see him dance, so they get up and waltz around the room. Tenley channels her best Cinderella and is singing to cartoon blue birds and baby deer by the time he takes her back to the other girls.

Corrie decides that she wants to talk about her virginity again during her one-on-one time. Jake tells her that it’s not about sex appeal, it’s about heart appeal. Corrie gives him the key to her chastity belt and returns to the group.

Gia confesses that Jake passed a major test when he sent Vienna back to the room without a little hanky panky. Jake tells her she is different from all the other women and then picks up where they left off in the wine cellar. The ABC intern is sent in to poke Jake in the arm because time is wasting. Gia wanders back to the group happy that she will have a ring on her finger soon.

Knowing that Vienna likes to be last, Jake takes her hand and leads her away to a surprise he has planned for her. What is this? A surprise for Vienna? Shut the front door! He takes her to his suite, out on the balcony and explains that the other night was not their moment.

Jake: “You know what? I like Vienna. She is smoking hot. Have I said that before? She’s as sexy as hell. And hell is pretty sexy I hear. I’m going to let my heart go and see where it lands. Everyone else can suck it.”

Then, it’s as if the seas have parted and glorious music is channeled in from the heavens. It’s Our Host Chris Harrison clinking his champagne glass. We’ve missed you Hare!

One-On-One with Hare

OHCH: “Five girls. Four women. Talk to me Goose.”

Jake: “Wait. I thought I was Maverick?”

OHCH: “Not important. This is a pivotal rose ceremony. Home town dates man. Families. Fathers. What’s your plan?”

Jake: “It’s not like saying goodbye to a friend Chris. It’s breaking up with someone.”

OHCH: “Yeah, yeah. So what about your date with Tenley?”

Jake: “So cool. Have you been to Chinatown Chris? You can make your own fortune cookies there. And wear funny hats. I like it there. A lot.”

OHCH: “And Gia. You had some fun with her in the wine cellar didn’t you?”

Jake: “Yes indeed. She’s fabulous. She’s insecure though. And I don’t know why because she is smoking hot.”

OHCH: “Okay Jake. Let’s talk about smoking hot. That is so 80s. Between now and next week, I want you to come up with another adjective to describe Gia and Vienna that isn’t smoking hot. Deal?”

Jake: “Deal.”

OHCH: “What about Corrie? Is it weird that she kept bringing up that she’s a virgin?”

Jake: “Nah. She’s sweet. But it’s not surprise that she’s getting the boot tonight.”

OHCH: “Of course not. But I had to ask. What about your date with Ali. She’s feisty, isn’t she?”

Jake: “Everything is so natural. I can cuddle up with her and it feels safe and right.”

OHCH: “Note to self Jake. Dry humping is not cuddling. How about Vienna?”

Jake: “I never know what she’s going to say.”

OHCH: “But she’s the lighting rod of controversy. That doesn’t bother you? Do I need to remind you of a person we like to call He Who Must Not Be Named?”

Jake: “Dude. Uncool.”

Our Host Chris Harrison takes Jake back to the room to hand out roses. He tells them that his heart is breaking as he hands them out to Tenley, Ali, Gia and Vienna.

Jake begins tearing up. He wants Corrie to know that there was something missing from their relationship. He wanted her so badly to open up, but time got away from them.

Corrie gets sloshed from the free Vodka in the limo and talks about how she put up a wall.

Corrie: “Had it been just the two of us, it would have been different.”

Captain Obvious count: 7

Next week is hometown dates! Gia’s mom looks like she’s going to give our Bachelor a hard time. Vienna’s daddy wants to know if Jake will treat his daughter like the princess she is. Someone comes to warn Jake about something super secret and Our Host announces that for the FIRST TIME EVER, there will not be a rose ceremony.

Bring it on!

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee

OHCH:  “Jake.  Buddy.  You can’t say that on prime time TV.  This isn’t cable.”

Jake:  “Right.  Sorry.”

OHCH:  “Take two.”

Jake: “It’s not about sex appeal.  It’s about being smoking hot and coming to my room with a bottle of wine and admitting you aren’t wearing any panties.”

OHCH:  “Dude.  You can’t say that either.  Think wings of love and try again.  Take three.”

Jake:  “It’s not about sex appeal.  It’s about heart appeal.”

OHCH:  “Totally chachtastic.  I think we have a winner.  We needed something with extra cheese so Lincee would have an amazing title for her blog tomorrow.  It will be the new catch phrase that sweeps the nation!  Good job Jake!”

Recap will be up LATER this afternoon as soon as I figure out what in the world I can write about after sitting through the most boring episode to date.

Wish me luck!