Will Captain Jake choose Vienna or Tenley? Will Ali quit her job at Facebook and return wearing a yellow formal to steal his heart away? Or will Jake’s stunt double ride off on a motorcycle into the sunset…destined to be alone forever.
At least until the Bachelor Pad 2.0 debuts next fall, but that’s neither here nor there.
It’s your choice readers. Be heard.
Who will be crowned Mrs. Jake "On Wings of Love" Pavelka?
Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for all of your sweet messages and well wishes about the passing of my uncle. I wanted to write a proper post about him, but I just haven’t been able to stir up the energy to write something that will honor his memory. I am overwhelmed by the support of perfect strangers and feel so loved by the outpouring of love from so many people. Thanks again.
Now…on with the mini recap!
In keeping with my WTA tradition, I will be bringing you one of my famous Top 10 lists. I call this one:
Top 10 Things We Learned During Women Tell All Wings of Love Edition
1. The two hour episode could have been cut to about 30 minutes of dirt we didn’t know coming in to the show.
2. The Bachelor Pad show looks like a frat party for 30-somethings. There will be drunken orgies, Kiptynite’s abs, Natalie the bear lover and apparently He Who Must Not Be Named will be counting nipples. I know. I don’t get it either. But did I mention that Kiptynite’s abs will be there?
3. Some of the old Bachelors and Bachelorettes give back to the community. Eighty percent of the guys and girls we don’t remember, but one thing we do know — Hip Hop Mikey Michael is still adorable. And DDAHnna is going after elementary kids now. How sad.
4. The girls think that Tenley dreams in cartoons and fell out of a Disney movie. Gia put it the best when she told the camera that Tenley probably sh*t rainbows. I had to rewind the DVR because I was laughing so hard.
5. Moment number one when Hare was awesome:
Elizabeth: “I wanted him to pursue me.”
Hare: “But you toyed with him.”
Elizabeth: “I know. I felt pretty stupid after watching the show.”
Hare: “You are never as cool as you think you are.”
6. Biggest Jim Halpert Moment
Michelle: “I don’t need a therapist. I am stable.”
Valishia: “Maybe you are a little unstable.”
7. Answer Roz’s lawyers told her to memorize: “Absolutely not.”
8. Lamest thing to come out of Jake’s mouth: “My heart was crying when I let Gia go.”
9. SHUT UP if Our Host Chris Harrison is singing WINGS OF LOVE!
10. Hare asks Jake if he is happy with his decision. Jake answers that he is happy. Not with his decision, but that he’s happy. Could our winged Bachelor be pulling a Womack this season?
It’s been a tough couple of days for me. I lost my dear sweet uncle to a long courageous battle with cancer. He will be fiercely missed.
While I’ve been spending time with my family, a new Bachelor blogger friend has graciously stepped in to share his recap of last night’s episode. DP and I connected about three weeks ago and I’ve loved the male-perspective view he provides in such a smart and witty manner. His writing is truly hilarious! Feel free to give him your props in the comment section and please visit his blog at www.guyinaustin.blogspot.com.
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It’s Episode 7 and Jake is getting down to making it all happen with the remaining three ladies: Tenley, Gia, and Vienna. There’s a lot at stake this episode and there’s a lot of bad editing to prove it. Let’s get to it.
We begin with the usual reminders about last week’s show when Ali faked like her job required her to return to San Francisco and left Jake to sob on the nearest banister despite not directly asking her to stick around. We leave the sunny beaches of California and head to the island of Saint Lucia in the Caribbean for some, well, sunny beaches. We get a lead in of the many adventures that the ladies will soon be experiencing with Jake. Jake tells us that St. Lucia is the perfect place to fall in love. Apparently, he forgot he said the same thing about San Francisco a few weeks ago. Ah yes, there’s nothing like a quaint Caribbean island that was once a stop over on the slave trade where thousands of men were stolen from their African homeland, stripped from their families, strapped into the hull of a ship, and transported thousands of miles across the ocean to be sold as chattel. Perfect. In spite of this we get a detailed recap from beginning to end of the “courtship” of each lady.
We begin with Gia and her propensity to greet Jake like a rabid monkey by flinging herself at him and wrapping her legs and arms around his manly man shape. We are reminded of the staged game of spin the bottle they played in the vineyard and we revisit the many looks of Jake. Yes, from tattling pilot, to motorcycle tough guy, to boat shoe wearing cruise ship director guy, all the way to the current coral choker necklace guy, we see all of the looks we’ve grown to love. I felt more like I was at Build-A-Bear Workshop rather than watching the Bachelor. Jake tells us that his “chemistry with Gia is electric” and that he is truly falling in love with her. Electric, huh? Ok.
By the way, was there a pilot in the Village People? If not, there should have been. Seeing Jake in his pilot uniform made me realize he would make a good Village Person. I suppose a pilot is a just as valid gay stereotype as a biker or a construction worker. Why was there in Indian in the Village People, though? Does anyone know any gay Indians—I mean beside that guy in the Village People? What was his name, Dances with Cher? Totem Pole? Get it? Alright, enough of that. Back to the show.
Next, we have to hear about Tenley’s divorce again, which is odd because I wasn’t aware she was divorced. I must have missed it the first five thousand times she mentioned it this season. Of course, that number is a rough estimate. It’s probably much higher than that. Tenley re-asserts her angelic, disease-free status and takes a few moments to bash her awful cheating ex-husband again. No wonder that guy is selling his story. You can only kick a dog so many times before it bites back, Tenley. Seriously, we get it. He cheated. Move on and lay off already. Perhaps an interpretive dance illustrating the raw emotion and heartbreak associated with the divorce would provide some healing. Do us a favor and do that off camera, would you? Jake tells us that he and Tenley want the same things out of a marriage. He doesn’t list any of them but we know that they share an unabashed love of the box step. Oh, and he’s truly falling in love with her too.
Next, we move to Vienna. Is there any doubt she’s going to be the one he picks? Jake tells us that even though she’s been the “center of all of the drama” in the house that their “connection is undeniable.” Even though she’s “a little immature” they can work on maturity together. Right. Look, if this guy wants to put his starter home and gazebo at risk by marrying a 23 year old Hooters waitress with a bitter, broke ex-husband and an unhealthy attraction to her own father, so be it. It’s not like he wasn’t warned. Ali practically set herself on fire trying to tell him that Vienna is trashy. He’ll be wiping eye shadow and tanning cream off the Formica counter tops of his single vanity bathroom and pulling bleach blonde, straightening iron-damaged hair from the shower drain in his starter home in Denton until she meets some rich guy in Dallas and splits. To be fair, her degree in Interpersonal Organizational whatever has to be a difficult perk to walk away from, though. He’s also falling in love with her too. Good luck, Jake.
Oh, and by the way, I nailed Vienna’s Hooters waitress status in my first episode blog. I’m not sure if the fact that I can pick a Hooters waitress out of a crowd of 25 women is a good thing or if it’s pathetic. What matters is that I was right. After all, life is about the small victories, isn’t it?
After the initial set up, we cut to a contemplative Jake wading in the ocean in board shorts and a green t-shirt skipping rocks off of the ocean’s surface and wondering about Ali. Miraculously, just as he’s wondering about Ali, she and the camera crew she brought home with her to San Francisco are waking up. Apparently, Ali sleeps in a monogrammed robe and has a stack of 8×10 glossy pictures of Jake on her nightstand. That actually sounds like something Michelle would do, but whatever. Ali does her best “I’m trying out for the Bachelorette” walk, brood, walk, brood move and tells us that she’s made the mistake of her life by leaving the show. Apparently, her job selling ad space for Facebook was not the answer to everything. Go figure. Incidentally, it looked to me like she had plenty of time to brood in the shadows of various San Francisco landmarks. So much for the demands of the office.
We finally get to the first of the three dates and we see that Gia gets the dreaded first date. Getting the first of the three fantasy dates is like being the fat, injured guy in the Donner Party. The end is inevitable, which is a shame considering the fact that I actually started to like Gia despite her fiberglass face and speech impediment. Sure, she’s a bit shallow and high maintenance, but that doesn’t make her a bad person. I felt like sobbing on a banister.
Jake sports his giant new orange sports watch with gray shorts and a t-shirt. For some reason he’s brought a backpack on the date as well. Gia shows up with a striped, oversized, off-the-shoulder sweater thing she stole from the fat, injured guy in the Donner Party paired nicely with a pair of Daisy Dukes. She “surprises” Jake on Pigeon Island, finally remembers to bring a scrunchy, and off they go to Gross Islet in a speedboat to slum it out among the marijuana and rum soaked locals vying for a few bucks of Jake’s hard-earned cargo pilot money. Jake tells us that “Gia and I’s” relationship is growing. What? Didn’t we go through this with Vienna a few weeks ago? “I” is not a possessive pronoun. He apparently forgot the existence of the word “our” when forming that thought. I’m not sure I trust this guy to fly whoopi cushions and Snuggies from one place to another anymore.
Jake lets us know that he wants to see Gia and her $1,000 shoes among “people who try and make an honest living.” Since when do local Caribbean homeless people make an honest living? The last time I checked modeling in New York was an honest living. It just happens to pay better than attempting to bilk tourists out of their money by selling them trinkets and St. Lucia flags at inflated prices or playing tunes on an overturned plastic bucket and then hounding unsuspecting foreigners until they relent by coughing up their money. Besides, Jake lives in Denton. When was the last time he actually saw a minority much less interacted with one?
Gia is happy because “all the natives are hanging out.” Couldn’t she have gone with “locals” or “residents”? It’s not like she’s going to be tied up and placed in a giant pot of boiling water in the center of the tribe and eaten when the bongos stop. She really needs to go north of 125th Street more often. Jake gets ripped off and buys Gia a trinket necklace from one of the honest natives and for some reason Gia puts it on her wrist. Frankly, the entire thing felt staged. Oh wait, it was.
Gia and Jake go to Smuggler’s Cove with their little remaining money in search of dinner and ridiculously repetitive conversation. They find both. Gia’s deep. Jake’s deep. Gia looks great. Jake looks great. The most interesting thing was the bedazzled hair thing Gia was wearing coupled with a stunning sparkly short dress. Jake tells us that he puts everyone before himself (Please) and that her dream is his dream and his dream is her dream. It was good that he dropped that line when he did because it was time for Gia to purge dinner anyway. Presumably, she thanked him for the assist. In perhaps the most vague and meaningless statement ever uttered by, well, anyone, Gia tells Jake that, “it amazes me that you know how you feel about certain things.” Well said, Gia. Well said. She tells Jake that she’s never met guy as deep as him. Considering the fact that she’s from New York and that the dating pool consists of guys like Pauly D and The Situation from Jersey Shore, I actually believed her. By the way, seeing Gia I couldn’t help but think, “what in the hell is SHE going to do in Denton, Texas?” Can you imagine?
After dinner the Fantasy Suite card from Chris Harrison magically appears. Harrison, who much to my chagrin has yet to make an appearance, invites the lovely couple to spend the night together. Jake acts surprised and does a good job at hiding his fear of sexual contact with a woman. Gia lets us know that “she’s ready to go all the way” and off we go to the fantasy suite where Jake and Gia haphazardly shed all of their clothes before carefully double knotting their bathing suits and gently settling into a bubble bath for some make out shots. Gia looked stunning in her black bikini with pearl straps around her neck. The suit was fitting considering the fact that Jake was not about to give her a pearl necklace. You know, because he already bought her a necklace that day. In the end we are left with the sinking feeling that Jake opted out of a roll in the hay with Gia. What a waste of a Fantasy Suite.
We next go to Rodney Bay where Jake waits anxiously by a helicopter with his giant orange watch on his right wrist. In an instant, Tenley’s parents pull up in the SUV to drop her off and the giant orange watch is on his left wrist. Huh? It was like that shot of Lee Harvey Oswald holding a single action Italian rifle in his backyard where the negative was mysteriously turned backward in order to create the illusion that was holding the rifle in the opposite hand. Tenley arrives in her usual green tanktop and denim shorts looking semi-virginal and divorced and promises her dad that there will be no making out before exiting the SUV and meeting Jake. They hug and Jake lets Tenley know that they are going on a helicopter ride despite the presence of a giant helicopter ten feet in front of them. Tenley makes a mental note to perform an interpretive dance about the flight and off they go.
Jake and Tenley arrive at the Swiss Family Robinson treehouse and proceed to share feelings over a lovely picnic in front of the sugar cane processing plant built by slave labor and abandoned long ago in hopes it would never be seen again. So much for that idea. They might as well have gone to Poland and picnicked on the Auschwitz front lawn.
Jake impresses Tenley with talk of spontaneous free vacations to the Cayman Islands because of his job as a pilot. He failed to mention that she would have to ride in the cargo hold of his plane in a crate with a bottle of oxygen, a jug of water, and a milk jug full of urine in order to get there. Who needs details when love is in the air? Tenley buys his bulls*it and they smooch uncomfortably. Jake and his orange sports watch take Tenley to the beach for some gratuitous bikini shots and some From Here to Eternity make out shots in the surf. Jake does his best Burt Lancaster in board shorts impression and Tenley takes a shot at her Deborah Kerr in a much smaller bikini impression.
Tenley and Jake wash the sand out of their rear ends and gussy up for an evening at Le Sport. Tenley looks lovely in her royal blue summer dress with a red and white strip at the bottom. Jake lets us know that he can “be himself” around Tenley. Predictably, they discuss—what else—her damn divorce. Tenley shows Jake the scarlet letter “A” on her chest and Jake tells us that she makes his heart smile. Good Lord. Jake kicks off his two left footed flip flops because he’s ready to take the box step to the next level. They “dance” to no music for what seemed like an eternity. I really wanted Chicago or Jeffery Osborne to show up, but that didn’t happen. Maybe they were booked. Tenley drops a “you can eat my salmon” line telling Jake “you can dip me forever.” Hey now, I thought she wasn’t that kind of girl. To hell with the bossa nova. Blame it on the box step.
After the dancing, Tenley ices her stepped on toes and reads the Fantasy Suite card from Harrison. She immediately ditches her virginal tendencies and agrees to a night in the suite with Jake. Well, to be fair to Tenley, there was no real risk of sex, but I did find myself yelling at the TV like the audience in a Shaft movie for Jake to close the deal. I realize that’s like yelling at the Cubs to win a World Series, but whatever. Jake tells us he loves Tenley’s values, morals, and temperament. Temperament? Tenley confesses to once having had cooties and they make out a lot. At that point, it was time for me to purge.
Next we go back to Rodney Bay (didn’t he play for the Lakers?) for the big date with Vienna. Jake shows up in red board shorts, a brown t-shirt (presumably the third one in the Fruit of the Loom colored undershirt packet he purchased for his three dates), flip flops, and his giant orange sports watch. He’s ready to see Vienna’s “fun, light, and immature” side. Vienna shows up in orange short shorts and a tank top with an owl on it over that same green bathing suit with the hide the junk in my trunk ruffles she wore in the hot tub in L.A. I suppose she was still hoping for a pearl necklace. You know, because Jake hadn’t bought her one yet. Jake and Vienna board the Unicorn pirate ship and Jake proceeds to make an ass of himself by wearing an eye patch and carrying a rubber sword while spouting pirate metaphors at Vienna. He looked like the Flying Doucheman. It was painful to watch and I’m going to just gloss over it. There’s some face licking, some groping of Vienna’s bow and stern, and a new instrumental version of “On the Wings of Love.” Perhaps I purged too early.
Jake and Vienna climb to the top of his mast and we get some incredibly shameless shots of Vienna’s crows nest. Keeping the phallic symbols alive, Jake shoots his cannon while Vienna giggles wildly and we get a voice over of her best valley girl voice telling us how much she loves life. Jake finds her nurturing. Hmmm, I found her to be a selfish brat, but then again, I wasn’t actually there. I take comfort in knowing that if she and Jake don’t work out, she always has the security of returning to Florida to work at Hooters or in the meth lab her parents run out of the swamp they live in.
Jake sends Vienna out on his plank and then tells us he needs to make sure that their relationship is more than sexual because she’s “pretty smokin’ hot.” We all begin to wonder if the Denton Hooters accepts transfers and offers a relocation package. Jake and Vienna towel off and get ready for dinner. They “wow you look great” each other and Vienna is excited about “Jake and I’s relationship.” Again, with that? I suppose their wedding invite will say something like “Come watch us celebrate Jake and I’s Marriage”. Perfect. Vienna stuffs her face with salad and tells Jake she’d like to run off forever with him. Wait, didn’t she try that already before emptying the guy’s bank account for some free boobs before filing for divorce five months later? Again, who needs details when love is in the air?
Jake asks Vienna what type of engagement ring she’d like and she suppresses the desire to say “a big one,” opting for “princess cut and a thin band.” Subtle move, Jake. I wonder how big a diamond he can get on three months’ cargo pilot salary? Perhaps he can build some backyard gazebos for some extra cash. The Fantasy Suite card comes and Vienna reads it . . . slowly and poorly. Of course, Vienna opts for the fantasy suite, dons a white teddy thing with a black g-string underneath (clearly a faux paux), and undoubtedly sluts it up in an attempt to seal the deal. Those French kissing lessons her dad gave her probably began to pay off. I’m sure Jake slept in his t-shirt and tighty whiteys just to make sure his dirty thoughts didn’t overcome him.
We see Jake in his hotel room after he rinsed off all of the Vienna looking in the mirror and moisturizing. The phone rings and Jake immediately puts on his giant orange watch.
Note to the producers: the orange watch messed up all of your editing this week. It might as well have been a live flare. If you’re going to splice all of the “spontaneous” moments together at least go with a more understated piece of jewelry.
Of course, Ali and her oversized bottom lip are on the phone. She wants to come back, made a mistake, loves Jake, hates her job, blah, blah, blah. Jake gets confused again, tells her he’s forgotten about her, lies about trying to process things, and fulfils his contractual obligation to the show by setting Ali up to be the next Bachelorette. Bad choice, by the way. She’s cranky and pouty. They need someone perky and fun like Jillian. Ali begs and pleads some more, drops to the floor near her cherry cabinets and stainless steel appliances and begins to accept (ironically) the reality of the situation. Jake broods out of his window and does some peeping into the rooms across the way.
Ali will eventually realize that she doesn’t have to live in Denton and she gets to travel the world while 25 overly macho, attention seeking, twenty-somethings fawn over her for another eight shows. That’s what they call in the advertising business a win-win situation. Perhaps if she showed up at work more often, she would know that. Good luck, Ali. We look forward to your invite to be the next Bachelorette next week on the Women Tell All Show.
Jake suits up for the rose ceremony and we all know that Gia and her lips are headed for the St. Lucia airport. Harrison shows up looking better than Jake in his understated, yet carefully tailored black suit and pink oxford shirt a la Danny Zuco at the prom with Sandy. He takes Jake to the temporarily relocated Lair of Seclusion for some what ifs and a recap of the dates. Clearly, Harrison is just punching his ticket this season. He’s got nothing to work with when it comes to Jake. He liked Jillian and Jason and that was obvious in his interaction with both of them. You can see the disdain for Jake lurking just behind Harrison’s eyes. Regardless, Harrison is a consummate professional and has clearly been briefed on all the goings on over the week. I’m sure his intern gave him his talking points over a rum runner and a big fatty at the local St. Lucia strip club. Harrison dials up the pressure, states the obvious, and heads for the rose ceremony.
Jake is confused. . . again. Frankly, he’s confused more than Tenley is divorced. How annoying. Jake views the girls’ video messages, which are predictable and boring. Tenley is giggly. She arrives in a black dress with a yellow flower in her hair. She looked great. Gia, who apparently partook in the smoking of the weed with Harrison before filming her video, arrives wearing a blue silky dress and a strategically placed scrunchy. She looked hot. Vienna tells us in her video that she wants to be with Jake for “the next 80 years.” Assuming Jake’s life span is 112 years that will be possible. Idiot. She arrives in a full length red silky no-so-flattering dress with crimped hair and a sh*tload of make up on. She honestly looked trashy.
Harrison sets up the two roses, helps the girls subtract one from three and retires to his penthouse suite to finish his stash. Jake wants to marry all three women and apparently doesn’t realize that he could just move to Utah and do that. Gia looks pouty and modelly as she gets stiff armed out of a rose. Jake pulls her aside and she fulfils her contractual obligation while sweating like a fat kid on a playground. We imagine that her brother Erick is polishing his brass knuckles and booking his flight to Los Angeles. Gia boards the pimped out SUV, cries enough to prove that her reconstructed tear ducts and nostrils still work but not enough to make a fool out of herself.
So there it is. With the Amazing count at 100, Absolutely at 22, and at Journey 27, Tenley and Vienna remain as the two potential Mrs. Denton Housewives and we move toward the big finale. Next week is the Women Tell All, which should prove interesting. We’ll see Harrison earn his paycheck and we’ll see how bitter Michelle and Rozlyn are. In the meantime, I’ll be swabbing my deck.
Congratulations ABC! You managed to make me feel irritated, embarrassed, ooged out and bored in one two-hour episode. Experiencing that range of emotion must be good for the soul.
Yeah. I’m going with that theory.
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Christmas candy or have a Bikram Yoga instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Right off the bat, we are thrust into the roller coaster that is the home town dates. Jake reminds us that when forced to visit a girl in her home town, you get to know her on a deeper level and you get to see her in a family environment.
Jake: “Getting to know these families is huge. Because families are a big part of my life. And I could be proposing to one of these ladies. Wait. I WILL be proposing to one of these ladies in just a couple of weeks. I want to get along with my in-laws. I want them to like me. I want Harrison to be proud. Is he here?”
Home Town Date One
Player: Gia
Setting: New York City
Theme: “I’m Gonna Make Him an Offer He Can’t Refuse”
ABC pulls from their Good Morning America footage and graces us with a nice montage of all the New York City icons visited by tourists from around the world. Gia reminds us that she was born and raised and this is her city and she is excited to show him her world.
Jake pulls up in a black SUV, hops out on the curb and Gia tackles him with full force. Jake is super stoked because this is a sign that someone likes you. He goes in for the twirl and Gia obliges by wrapping her legs around his waist. He carries her on his hip for a good 12 blocks until he develops a muscle crap.
Jake: “So what are we doing today?”
Gia: “I thought the best way to show you my city would be by boat.”
In my head, I was thinking they were going to take one of those ferries that goes around Ellis Island. To my surprise, Gia boards what appears to be a pimped out yacht.
This was my first clue that Gia’s family was more than likely members of the Mafia.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Gia is ready to let her guard down on the yacht. She wants Jake to know she is spunky and fun and insists they take pictures of each other.
Gia: “We are going to make memories today.”
Jake: “Okay. How about one of you in front of Lady Liberty?”
Gia: “Sure! Do you want cute, romantic or sexy pose?”
Jake: “Sexy. Definitely sexy. Hey? Why are there bags of cement over in the corner?”
Gia: “Oh. Pay no attention to that. Here. Get in the picture with me. Let’s do one kissing.”
Jake: “Oh boy! Let’s do two or three this way!”
Jake tells the camera that he gets lost in Gia’s kisses. He does not, however, tell us why he is sporting a 1994 black beaded necklace that looks as if it was straight from the wardrobe trunk from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.
I’m guessing someone bet the ABC intern that he couldn’t get Jake to wear it on national TV. That’s the only logical explanation. Truly.
Jake admits to Gia that he is nervous to meet her parents. She doesn’t realize that it’s because he saw some questionable “red paint” on the railing of the yacht. He wonders why she never talks about her past relationships and assumes this must be a sore topic for her.
Gia: “My last relationship was bad. He wasn’t a good guy. He was into bad things. He was not committed to the family. And he cheated on me with all my friends.”
Jake: “That sounds awful.”
Gia: “We didn’t communicate well. We fought all the time. So my Dad took care of it and now here I am!”
Jake: “Your Dad took care of it?”
Gia: “Never mind. Hey! More sexy kissing pictures!”
Later, Jake and Gia meet her family for dinner. Jake is greeted by her step-father Tony, her step-brother Eric, her half-brother Dylan, Uncle Silvio, Uncle Paulie and a rather large man, no relation to the family, named Vito who insisted he sit between them and the front door.
Gia’s best friend forever (AKA: Mom) is also there. They all cry, kiss cheeks, slap backs, kiss rings and sit down for some delicious connolis.
It is at this moment that I realize Gia’s lack of New York accent. Sure it pops out every once in a while, but when her Mom started quizzing Jake, I had to turn on the mute button so the closed caption for the hearing impaired feature to pop up in order to understand what she was saying.
Mom: “Jake. So you wanna marry my dawtah?”
Jake: “Yes.”
Mom: “You know I’ll have to tawk to huh every day. Does that bothah you?”
Vito cracks his neck. Eric squints his eyes. Tony puts his hand on Jake’s shoulder.
Jake: “Nope. S-s-s-sounds great.”
Mom: “Because if you fawl in love and get maired, that means you have each utha’s back. Will you have huh back?”
Jake: “Yeppers.”
Mom: “Are you going to break huh hawt? You’re dating fowah girls Jake. That’s not a way to make my Gia feel special. What makes huh so special Jake?”
Jake: “She has an organic way about her. She’s different from all the others.”
Eric: “She’s been hurt Jakey Boy. I don’t wanna see anything happen to huh, capiche?”
Jake: “Oh you betcha.”
Gia confesses that her Mom’s opinion means the world to her. They later go outside for a smoke to discuss Jake and his intentions.
Mom: “I think he loves you Gia. I watched his bawdy language. He grabbed your arm. That’s love kid.”
Gia: “Mah. He does that with awl the girls.”
Mom: “He loves you. I know it. Cawl it intuition, but I feel it in my hawt. Reach for the staws kid, but leave one foot on the ground. And one eye on the enemy. And one hand on your piece. Are you packin’ right now Gia Doll?”
Gia: “Mah.”
Mom: “It’s okay. Your brother has his knife.”
Meanwhile, Eric has been scaring the life out of our Bachelor.
Eric: “…I mean, she’s been screwed around by so many people.”
Jake: “Ha. You said screw.”
Eric looking upset: “Watch it fly boy. Hear me clearly. If I have to hunt you down and break a few legs, I’ll do it. Oh I’m not being funny. Treat her right. Or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes.”
Jake swallows hard and shakes his head so that Eric will know he understands. They leave the restaurant and Gia suggests they sit on a brownstone stoop to watch the cars go by.
Jake: “Wouldn’t you rather we go somewhere less open?”
Gia: “No. I’d rather sit here and make out with you.”
Jake: “Sounds great!”
Home Town Date Two
Player: Ali
Setting: Willamstown, MA
Theme: “I Am Here for All the Right Reasons. JUST KIDDING!”
Ali tells us that she is ready to leave the drama behind and just focus on Jake. When he arrives in a black SUV, she tackles him, he lifts and twirls. Then they kiss and tell each other how amazing they both look.
Jake takes her hand to try and generate some friction because this good ole’ southern boy is COLD. The ABC producers insist they sit on a bench and talk about missing each other. Ali says that she used to come to this very park to catch falling leaves so she could make a wish. Jake, excited at any opportunity to get his blood pumping, takes a tree branch and begins shaking it fiercely so Ali can catch a leaf. Ali thinks this is adorable and takes about 10 minutes to decide what she should wish for.
Next, she tells Jake that there is an impor-ant place she wants to take him.
Jake: “Is it someplace warm?”
Ali: “No. The heat’s been turned off. It’s my grandma’s old house. The last time I was here was for her funeral. It was so sad. I can’t explain in words how super, super impor-ant it is for you to go there with me.”
They walk to the house and sit on the steps outside. Ali says that she cared for her ailing grandmother. And that she was like a mother figure. She confesses that before she died, she called her to say that she was going to meet this boy named Jake and she was so excited.
Ali: “I hoped I could introduce you and now you’ve met!”
Jake: “Oh. Wow. That’s neat. Do you see her now?”
Ali: “Oh no silly. I know she’s looking down on us. See how the clouds are parting and that one stream of sunlight is beating down? That’s symbolism.”
Jake tells the camera:
“That was so intense. It made me think of life and love and death and stuff. This could be the woman I share those types of experiences with in my own life. Sort of weirded me out a bit, but I’m over it now because I keep thinking surely she’ll give me another one of those back rubs.”
Later, Ali takes Jake to meet her Mom, sister and brother. At the dinner table, Mom shares that she had never seen Jake on the Bachelor before, so she Googled him.
Poor Jake looked like he was about to hurl his chicken spaghetti all over the table in fear that Ali’s Mom might dare mention He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fortunately, Mom talked about a clip in which Jake said that physical beauty fades, but what’s inside your heart is the important part.
Jake wipes away the rather large bead of sweat pouring down his face. Ali beams with happiness.
Ali’s Mom takes Jake out back to sit by the fire. They talk about the importance of family and she gives Jake her blessing to marry Ali. Then she tells Ali that she knows he will pick her because her gut says it’s so. And she looks forward to planning a wedding. And then she tells the camera that her gut doesn’t fail her.
Ali: “Today was perfect. My family is smitten. I am soooooo in this. I want to be there at the end. I want it. I want you. If you asked me today, I’d say yes.”
Jake is so touched by her confession that he dramatically removes his black gloves, grabs her face with baby soft hands, gives her a long seductive stare and goes in for a Wings of Love instrumental kiss.
Home Town Date Three
Player: Tenley and the memory of her ex-husband
Setting: Oregon
Theme: “Oh I Wanna Dance With Somebody”
Jake tells us that he connects with Tenley on so many levels and is excited to see her. When he does see her, guess what? She runs, jumps, twirls, wraps and kisses him.
Tenley takes Jake off to a gazebo to talk about her ex-husband and the important of making your own decisions.
Tenley: “What parts do your parents play in your life?”
Jake: “How do you mean?”
Lincee: “Are you a Mama’s boy?”
Tenley: “My ex let other people plan his life. Like his parents. Do you make your own decisions? Or do they help you along the way?”
Jake: “I run most everything by my parents.”
Tenley: “I’m glad you make your own decisions and want to be a team you’re your wife. That is honorable and wise.”
Now part of me just wants to rush through this next section because it is so gut-wrenchingly embarrassing to me that I can barely make myself type the words.
But life isn’t about me. It’s about you. What would Our Host Chris Harrison say if I just up and skipped this part?
Ten takes Jake to the dance studio where she taught ballet when she was young.
Tenley: “I love to dance. I express myself through dance. My ex-husband never appreciated that about me.”
Jake: “Well I certainly will.”
Tenley: “Oh thank you Jake! It’s the dance of my heart. Can you push play and then come sit right here?”
Jake: “Sure, but isn’t that stool a little high for what…oh who cares. I’m sure you’re very flexible. I’ll keep my mouth shut.”
Tenley proceeds to lyrical dance to one of the more memorable “march down the wedding aisle” songs with a huge grin on her face. It was awesome and awful all at the same time. I kept waiting for her to grab a bouquet of flowers. Jake kept wondering when the pole was going to extend from the ceiling.
But we can all agree: Home Girl is sporting some impressive calf muscles.
It was a little like this:
Tenley: “Jake was beaming. He was beaming! He made me feel confident and adored. Just like a June bride! Now I have someone to dance with FOREVER!”
Jake: “When Tenley told me that her ex never saw her dance, I thought that was pretty strange. But I get it now. I’m glad I never pulled out the singles I had in my wallet! Heh, heh! But I was glad I got to see her do her thing. I just wanted to melt right in the floor.”
Jake meets Tenley’s family. We learn that the last time Tenley was home, she was telling her mom that the love of her life would never, ever be returning. We also learn that Jake is looking for clues to see if Tenley is over her ex.
Upon arrival, the family immediately begins crying. Dad takes Jake upstairs to get to know him.
Dad: “Tenley is grieving. (clue one) Her divorce was hard on all of us. I saw the show and thought you were a man of integrity. I admired you. Are you really that guy?”
Jake: “I think so.”
Dad: “The most painful thing for a dad is to see his daughter go through heart ache. I’m protective of her. It’s been a hard year.”
YEAR? She hopped on the reality train when she hasn’t even been divorced for a year? CLUE TWO.
Ten and her Dad later cry about Jake. Then the Mom cries with Jake.
Mom: “Are there any questions you would like to ask me?”
Jake: “Yes. Is Tenley ready to go down the road of marriage again?”
Mom: “I was choked up because she is different form the last time I saw her. Tenley is going to have emotional spill-overs for a while. Because of her divorce. (clue three) As far as her being ready, if anyone could be, it’s Tenley. She’s amazing and it’s my pleasure to be her mother.”
Jake then asks the Dad if he can marry his daughter. The Dad says yes and they both cry and then hug it out. Bro style.
Home Town Date Four
Player: Vienna
Setting: Florida
Theme: “I’ll Be Right Outside This Door”
Vienna sees Jake on the river pier and runs to him for the embrace and twirl. Vienna wants to show him where she grew up and that means getting in a pontoon boat and hunting for turtles and gators.
After gearing up to make fun of Jake for not knowing how to drive a boat, we learn that Jake does know how to drive a boat. And that he’s eaten gator tails. And can point out a turtle to Vienna who acts as if she’s never seen one before.
Jake: “So. Does your Dad like the guys you bring over?”
Vienna: “Nope. He’s only met two and really hated them.”
Jake: “What about the dude you married?”
Vienna: “Oh right. Him. I think they met once or twice. No big deal.”
Vienna admits that getting her father’s approval is super important. She puts him on a pedestal and wants nothing more than to give him every opportunity to treat her like a princess.
When they enter the house, we see Dad holding the infamous Chloe dog. Sadly, Chloe didn’t get as much TV time as I thought she would. She was dressed for the occasion though. Tiny pink shorts and a belly shirt.
Keeping with the theme (excluding Ali who has a heart of stone) the families cry at the reunion of their daughter. Snot and tears and Kleenex are abundant. The Dad quickly whisks Vienna off to see how serious she is about this yahoo.
Dad: “How do you REALLY feel about this guy? Is this a Justice of the Peace kind of love? Or the full enchilada Vegas wedding love?”
Vienna: “It’s weird. I feel like I’ve never been in love for real before. You can’t control it. He’s exactly what you want for me Daddy. I love him. And I love you so much.”
Jake follows the Dad into his pimped out garage and talks about how Vienna is a princess and he expects the boy to pay for dinner before extracurricular activities begin.
Dad: “I want her to be happy Boy. If you marry her, the kids will be raised right and the house will be clean.”
Jake: “Cleanliness is important to me too, Sir.”
Later at dinner, the Mom figure asks what qualities Jake liked in Vienna.
Jake: “I really like Vienna’s honesty. Sometimes, she’s brutally honest.”
Dad: “Nothing wrong with telling the truth Son.”
Jake: “Oh I know. Vienna and I connected just like that and the other women were very jealous.”
Sister: “You bet they were because she is so amazing. She’s been through that all her life.”
Dad: “You have him trained well my Princess.”
Jake and Vienna make out on her bed after throwing 19 stuffed animals onto the floor. He questions her fancy ring on her left hand and she reminds him that it’s her “promise you won’t go off and elope” ring from her Daddy. As if on cue, he enters and insists they keep 12-inches open between them. Vienna laughs hysterically and then tells Jake to take his shirt off before asking her father for five more minutes.
Jake: “It’s awesome to feel this way about Vienna. But it’s also scary.”
That’s right Jake. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Back in LA
Jake has just started his talking head montage about how the week was awesome and how he has fallen for all four girls equally and is later meeting with the ABC team of crack lawyers to see if he can get restraining orders put on anyone related to or involved in Gia’s life, when he hears a sharp knock at the door.
Ed is on the other side telling him that he has to leave the show to go to work. He’s wearing green shorty shorts and it makes me think of Larry Bird and Mike Brady all over again.
Oh. Sorry. Déjà vu. My bad.
Ali is on the other side with the most pitiful look on her face. She starts fake crying immediately.
Ali: “I have the most impossible decision to make right now. I just found out that I have to choose between staying here and going back to work.”
Silence.
Ali: “I can’t believe that I have to make this decision and I haven’t made up my mind. I need you to help me.”
Jake: “So what are you asking?”
Ali: “I don’t know!”
Jake: “I can say we have something really special. Ali, life is about minimizing your regrets. You just have to weigh which one is going to be a bigger regret. You are lucky and blessed to have a job, but I am lucky and blessed to have met you. Selfishly I would say stay here and take a chance on me. But I can’t guarantee you that I’m going to put a ring on your finger. But I can’t and say I’m not going to.”
Ali begins to look nervous that her diabolical plan is not going the way she imagined in her head. Jake stares at her with hurt puppy dog eyes, but gives her nothing.
Ali: “I’ll let you know at the rose ceremony.”
Jake: “Whatever you decide is okay.”
Lincee: “Cute pillows.”
The camera follows Ali out the door and down the hallway. In a moment of sheer desperation, she flings herself in the middle of the floor and proceeds to melt down in great sobs.
Not quite Academy Award nomination reel worthy, but close. She hopes that this display of emotion will be enough to merit her an invitation to be ABC’s next Bachelorette.
Thankfully, Our Host Chris Harrison is there to pick up the pieces with our dear Jake.
OHCH: “Dude. What’s going on with you and Ali? I heard there was some dramatic turn of events?”
Jake takes a 10 minute pause before summoning the courage to answer:
“Okay. This has never happened before in the history of the show I’m pretty sure. Get this. She will lose her job if she doesn’t go back! Can you believe it Chris? And she doesn’t know what to do? I don’t want to tell her to stay, but I did. I don’t want that burden, but I think I might cry if she leaves. But I can’t tell her she’s the final one because you guys said that I’ve fallen for four women.”
OHCH: “No, no Jake. You said that you are in love with four women. Remember how we practiced? Forget about them for now. Let’s milk this for a good 45 minutes. Let’s say she does stay and quits her job. Can you handle that if you don’t pick her in the end?”
Jake: “But I do pick her in the end.”
OHCH: “Dude! Calm down. Listen to the question. How can you live with yourself when she loses her job because of you? Obviously, tonight is going to be difficult. I’ll go get the girls. Figure out what you want to say. If you can’t figure it out, I’ve made an outline for you. Here. Read this.”
Jake looks longingly at the Pier One Bureau of photos and ponders:
“I thought all the drama was over. Now, the biggest bombshell is dropped on me. I thought I might spend my life with Ali. But Ali isn’t the only girl I am falling for. Vienna is hot. She lets me know she is here for me. Gia is attractive but it’s not about her beauty. I’m truly scared for my life to not pick her. Tenley is bright, vivid, wonderfully flexible and our kids would have amazing calves. We are totally connected and in sync. Tonight the tables have turned. I have no idea what’s going to happen.”
Our Host heads over to the ladies to wait for the sign from the producers that Ali should ask to talk to him for a moment. He takes her back to Jake who is still starring at the pictures.
OHCH: “I’ll give you guys a few minutes to talk. But just a few. The clock is set because I have reservations and will not be interrupted like I was last time. When the egg timer bings, you come get me.”
Ali to Jake: “I didn’t know I would fall in love and I would have to choose between a guy and my job.”
Jake: “Where are you with us?”
Ali: “I don’t know what to do. I’m more mad at myself for not knowing. So many what ifs and maybes. Here are my feet. Hold them. I couldn’t even fix my hair because I’m so confused.”
Jake: “Did you know that you would be signing up for about three months of this when you first applied?”
Ali: “I want it to be your idea for me to stay. I want to leave on my terms.”
Jake: “I don’t want you to go. You came here for a reason. When we were by that fire and you were kissing me, what did you feel Ali?”
Ali: “I felt like I met someone who was deserving of my love. But remember, there are still three other girls downstairs. I keep going back and forth. My mind was set that I was going to stay. Then I saw the other girls and had to go. Now that you’re rubbing my aching feet, I have to stay. If you were mine, the choice would be easy. I have everything I want in life except for you. Now I could leave with nothing if I stay.”
Harrison walks in clinking his bourbon glass just before Gary the Camera Guy gets a money shot of Ali’s business.
OHCH: “Cmon Ali. Sink or swim. In or out? Right now.”
Jake: “Ali, I don’t want you to go. Our time has been very deep and meaningful. I love the fact that I’m falling in love with you. I don’t want you to go. If you leave, I’ll be devastated.”
Ali: “Finally. Was that so hard? Let me muster up a sour face and some big tears. Hold on. Okay. I’m sorry Jake. I have to go.”
Jake and Ali hug, cry, sob, snot and walk down to the lobby so she can hit the road in a limo. Jake looks like his favorite puppy was kicked in the throat.
Jake: “I feel like you are slipping through my fingers and I don’t know how to stop you. So I am going to take my fingers and grab your face and kiss you like I’ve never kissed anyone before and then start crying at the end. That should be good.”
The door is shut. And then shut a little harder because it didn’t shut right the first time. Ali gives the performance of a lifetime as she wails to the camera that she’s not sure if she made the right choice.
Jake leans over the hand rail of the Beverly Wilshire Hotel ala Jason Mesnick and cries like a little girl.
Jake: “It hurts like crazy that Ali is gone. I didn’t expect to get my heart broken. Why does that always happen to me? I’m trying to find my inner strength. The easy thing is to give up right now. But there are three great women waiting for me. Each have given their heart. If I give up, I don’t deserve to find true love.”
An hour and a half later, Our Host tells the remaining girls that there will be no rose ceremony because Ali has left the building. The smiles that issued forth were priceless.
Jake is excited that he doesn’t have to hand out roses. And because he is so exhausted, he makes the girls come and grab their roses themselves because he knows Vienna is keeping a scrapbook of their life together. Then they group hug.
Coming up, we learn that the fantasy forego dates will be on the beaches of St. Lucia. There will be helicopters, a pirate ship and what appears to be a topless Gia.
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