iHateGreenBeans

In case you didn’t get the memo from last night’s episode, the house is beginning to divide. Over here, you have the kids from the wrong side of the tracks. Over there, you have the popular kids who rule the school.

Let me break it down even further…

If the Bachelor Pad took place in an ‘80s movie, the Outsiders would consist of Andie and her BFF Duckie Dale, Donald/Ronald Miller, Watts, Ponyboy and Johnny. Sitting at the “cool kids” table in John Hughes High School cafeteria would be Blane, Cherry, Jake Ryan, Cindy Mancini and Regina George.

We’ve all heard this story before…the outsider hates the cool click and wants them to see how the other half really lives outside of their perfect popular bubble.

As we all know, there are always the inbetweeners. Those who own up to the fact that they are outsiders, but secretly long to be accepted by the plastics.

Obviously, this is where drama lives. Greasers, socials, freaks, plastics, nerds, athletes, drama queens and scorned future Playboy bunnies…welcome to the Bachelor Pad!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone on your Twitter account happens to personally know, sort of know, friends with the nephew/former classmate of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying New Moon on DVD or have a Jazzercize instructor that looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

We open the show with all of the contestants traipsing in from the rose ceremony driveway, all too drunk to remember who just got sent home. They continued to booze it up, pat each other on the back and confirm that “this is getting real” now that they know how the elimination process works. No one noticed Elizabeth dragging Kovacs by the choke collar to a secluded area of the mansion for a little debriefing.

Elizabeth: “I was sooooo nervous for you just now. Do you realize that you almost got kicked off but because all the girls listen to me?”
Kovacs: “I think we need to help each other out.”

Elizabeth: “I just don’t know. People don’t trust you. You should see what they wrote about you in the Burn Book. Soooooo rude.”
Kovacs: “I think we need to stick together.”

Later Kovacs feels it is in his best interest to admit to the camera that being a couple with Elizabeth is a better strategy than being alone.

The next day, we find Jesse Beck feeling up chatting up Natalie on their favorite wicker couch out by the pool. He tells her she is sexy and she giggles as his hands grope her body in a prime-time way. Natalie tells us she used to be in this for the money, but now all she worries about is if her hair is fixed. Beck tells us that Natalie is a rad chick. They both sort of admit they wouldn’t vote each other off, but get distracted by tongues sticking down their throats to make a true alliance.

Melissa shows up with a severe pony tail and invites everyone out into the driveway. Harrison announces that the day’s competition is a good old fashioned pie eating contest. The guys and the girls will eat separately and one of each will get a rose. Melissa adds a super exciting twist…NO HANDS!

Weatherman: “I need to focus on winning this challenge so I can win the girls over.”
Lincee: “Bless him.”

Gia: “I hate f-ing pie.”
Lincee: “I understand you are probably on a strict diet of water and bird seed, but suck it up Gia. It’s time to eat real people food.”

Krisily totally doesn’t want to cry because she is totally not that girl, but she pulls Harrison aside crying, revealing that she doesn’t have a gall bladder and can’t digest fat. She doesn’t think inhaling a pie for the sake of competition is worth spending the night in the hospital. Instead of offering her a monogrammed handkerchief and consoling shoulder like she expected, Harrison refrains from rolling his eyes and asks her to run down to the local tractor supply store to get some large, black feed buckets because it is about to go down! Harrison is not playing games people. He’s there to turn up the heat. And make six figures a week doing it.

The girls are first to compete. All but Krisily sit down at the long picnic table, complete with red and white checkered table cloth, and immediately take off their tops, except for Girl Jessie who prefers to vie for the rose in nothing but her string bikini. The ABC intern passes out rubber bands and everyone puts their hair in a bun. Hands are clasped behind backs and the game begins.

The girls daintily nibble at first. It takes an announcement from Harrison that Girl Jessie is literally rooting through her pie like a pig at slop time in order for the others to declare GAME ON. Natalie complains that pie is up her nose. Nikki can’t stand that her makeup is no longer flawless and Liz reveals that the pie tastes like “you know those times when you throw up a little in your mouth? Like that.”

We praise the ABC intern for the brilliant decision to make the pies disgusting. GO INTERN!

Even though she had an early lead, Tenley begins fake crying, dry heaving and whining to anyone who will listen that she doesn’t like it anymore! Make it stop!

Melissa begins laughing and asks if anyone needs a hurl bucket. Natalie was the first to blow. Ten guys jumped out of her way to make room for the flying vomit. Gia begins gagging. Wes encourages her to continue eating, and even gives her a tip to flip her pie up and over out of the tin pan. Natalie is losing a lung on the side. Elizabeth pukes in her own hands and then deposits the regurgitation in Tenley’s bucket. Kovacs witnesses Tenley puke in her own pie and continue eating it.

It’s down to Gia and Tenley. An outsider against a plastic. Gia is cheered on by Wes, Peyton, Krisily and Gwen. Tenley is pushed by her beloved Kip, Crazy Dave, Kovacs, Elizabeth and various woodland creatures and blue birds.

Tenley: “I caaaaannnn’t eeeeeaaaatt anoottttthhhhheeeerrrr biiiiiiiittttteee.”
Woodland Creatures: “You can do it. You can do it Tenley!”

Gia: “This pie f-ing sucks.”
Wes: “C’mon darling. If you eat five more bites, I’ll play you a song on my guitar.”

Gia ends up winning in a close race. She and Tenley puke their guts out. Crazy Dave admits that there is nothing more unattractive than what he just witnessed, but it sure has brought them closer together.

I can see Dave’s point. I haven’t seen that much public heaving since I attended an Aggie ring dunk back in 1997. But let me tell you…those guys looked pretty bonded to me. Could it have been the clinking of ice cold Miller Lite in a plastic pitcher? Perhaps. But I think the true connection happened around the time they all shared the same garbage bag to toss their cookies. Ah. Camaraderie at its finest.

After a quick hose down of the table, Our Host asks the men to take their positions. Crazy Dave feels confident because he eats six meals a day. Kovacs knows that he will win. And Weatherman is nervous that there are big strong muscle men around him who can eat like nobody’s business. But he is going to put that thought out of his head and concentrate.

Not one dude took off their shirt for the pie eating contest.

Can I please call a party foul on this moment? When, dear producers, WHEN will you let us see Kip’s abs? COME ON.

Harrison says “go” and all the guys dig in with fanatic fervor. Then we get close up shots of Kovacs, Beck and Crazy Dave with repulsive looks on their faces. I’m guessing the ABC intern switched sugar with baking powder on this round of pies, but whatever. All agree that the pie was disgusting. In a moment of panic, Craig uses his hair to sop up pie goo. Tenley encourages Kip. Gia is Wes’ cheerleader. As the plastics cheer the plastics and the outsiders cheer the outsiders, no one notices that Weatherman is sucking up the crumbled crust of his pie like a Dyson on crack.

He looks at Our Host with eager anticipation as Harrison announces Weatherman as the winner! The Weatherman jumps up, “hell yeahs” everyone at the table, stops in front of Crazy Dave’s station to inhale a chunk of his barely-eaten pie and executes a couple of perfect pirouettes in celebration.

Crazy Dave: “Well. He’s good at eating pie. He’s got that going for him.”

Somewhere in Austin, Some Guy raises his Lone Star at the irony of that statement.

All of the contestants give interviews about how they underestimated the Weatherman. Most of them have pie crust and filling remnants all over their cheeks, chins and eyebrows. I found this random, gross and hilarious at the same time.

Girl Jessie pulls Craig, an outsider, away for some alone time. Craig asks Jessie to remind the girls that the vote is anonymous. He knows he is on the chopping block and is banking on Girl Jessie to make something happen.

Meanwhile, the Weatherman and Gia (both outsiders) strategize now that they have all the power. Gia holds her tummy because she’s not used to so much food being inside her digestive tract.

Gia: “The plastics…Natalie, Elizabeth and Tenley will vote as a group and keep their guys here.”
Weatherman: “I agree. I like their guys.”

Gia: “NO WEATHERMAN. The forecast calls for you to take the outsiders on your f-ing date and convince them to break up the army of skanks. Do you understand? Choose Krisily, Peyton and Gwen.”
Weatherman: “You can trust me.”

The date card arrives and Girl Jessie wonders why Krisily didn’t bring in the entire podium.

Weatherman Date
“Reveal your true selves…no brushes aloud”
Peyton
Gwen
Ashley

Gia is ticked that Weatherman didn’t choose Krisily as she instructed him to do. Kovacs is ticked that the Weatherman is smarter than he gave him credit for and the Weatherman is ticked that he can’t pick dudes to accompany him on his date.

Weatherman loads up his two outsiders and one Switzerland in the limo and heads to an abandoned warehouse where Melissa has set up butcher paper and cans of primary colors of paint. In another show twist, you have to use your bodies as rollers and brushes to paint a masterpiece.

The zingers keep coming with this one, huh?

Weatherman dips behind a back-lit screen to change. He asks if the girls are ready for “Speedo: The Sequel.” He struts out with a huge smile and points to his junk region. Ashley thinks he totally rocked it.

They all put their hand prints as a border around the paper. We were all bored. The camera man suggests the girls slather paint all over the Weatherman. He is unfazed. Peyton spins around on her tummy and says she’s a merry-go-round. She asks if anyone wants a ride.

I blushed.

Back at the mansion, the outside girls are super annoyed that the plastics are all in the hot tub together having fun. Gia convinces Krisily and Nikki that Craig is the key and at this very moment, the Weatherman is convincing the other girls to keep him on the island and vote off Kip’s abs. Krisily gets goose bumps and promises this to be the most dramatic rose ceremony ever.

At the same time, Harrison has is lawyers draw up a legal document asking Krisily to cease and desist from using his trademarked catch phrase without his permission.

Meanwhile, Weatherman decides that it’s time to talk strategy with his fellow outsiders. Peyton needs no convincing but is surprised to hear that Gia is on board. Ashley is a different beast. She understands that the powerhouse needs to break up, but she is close with those girls.

Ashley: “I love Elizabeth and Tenley. And now that Natalie is hooching with Jesse Beck, that leaves Crazy Dave all for me! It’s my in to the plastics and I’m going to take it!”

Ashley stays neutral and sort of promises, but not really, alliance to Weatherman and the outsiders. Weatherman is stoked that he has done his job as puppet master and is ready to lay the moves on Gwen up on the roof.

Cue awkward oboe music.

Weatherman: “What did you think of the painting? Did you ruin your bathing suit?”

Oh Weatherman. Just when you start to get a little normal, you dork out on us. I guess that’s the life of an outsider. After learning that she’s been to Positano, Italy and likes to play tennis, Weatherman concludes that he and Gwen are a match made in heaven and extends her the date rose.

Gwen: “I’m happy that I got the rose. People think that Jon likes me, but that’s not going to happen. I can guarantee you that.”

Gia’s Date

Gia is getting drunk with the f-ing power of holding the f-ing competition rose. She finds Weatherman and Peyton to share her strategy for the day.

Gia: “We have five outsiders (me, Peyton, Gwen, Nikki, Krisily) who have agreed to keep Craig.”
Weatherman: “Don’t forget Ashley.”

Gia: “Please. Do not f-ing trust Ashley.”
Weatherman: “But she promised me her alliance!”
Peyton: “Sorry dude. She lied to our faces. She’s a plastic.”

Gia: “She f-ing makes fun of you Weatherman. I hate that you are making that f-ing face to me. You aren’t even f-ing listening to me. You are blind. You are in our crew now and Craig is staying.”
Weatherman: “Give me a hug.”

Kovacs leaves the podium in the front yard and returns with the date card. He waves at the ABC intern who is spraying off the driveway so it will glisten in the lights for the rose ceremony that night. Gia, sporting an unfortunate braided head band, announces that she knows two of the guys she wants to invite on her date. Congratulations to Wes Hayden and Craig!

Natalie: “Really? Craig?”
Gia: “The last one I’m not sure about, so I’m just going to put all your names in a bowl and pick.”

But Gia has a little secret. She only put Jesse Beck’s name in the bowl. She wants him to be on her crew. She needs a tall guy with tats who can do the robot in the background.

Gia takes pride in the fact that she is doing her best to make this game fair and not a popularity contest. She adds as an aside that she thinks Wes Hayden is super charming and ever-so-dreamy.

The limo drops the group off at a random courtyard in some Los Angeles hotel. We assume Harrison is in the bar doing tequila shots with Roberto who is sporting an interesting ensemble of burgundy gingham shirt and polka dot tie. The ABC intern has done his best to turn the courtyard into a Moroccan wonderland, complete with billowy tents, colorful pillows and body art. Gia immediately pulls Craig away to ease his anxious heart.

Gia: “Look Craig. I want you to know that I’m giving you the f-ing rose.”
Craig: “Thank you. I trust you. And it’s tough to trust anyone here.”
Gia: “When I give someone my f-ing word…it’s done. Well. For the most part anyway, unless I change my mind and am smitten by the charisma of an f-ing country and western singer from Texas. But what are the odds of that happening when I’m so f-ing smart?”

Gia delivers a smiling Craig to the tent and exchanges him for Beck.

Gia: “Do you like henna?”
Beck: “I’ve never smoked that before, but I’m willing to give anything a try.”

Gia: “No silly. It’s body art. I want to add to your tattoo collection.”

Beck whips off his shirt and tries to find a clean surface on his body for Gia to work. She explains that traditionally, henna is on the hand. She begins to write “I f-ing heart Beck” while talking strategy.

Gia. “Now that I have you alone, I want to talk strategy. I’ve chosen the outsiders. There are five of us girls who are going to f-ing vote off Kip. I want you to be with us. PS: don’t f-ing tell Natalie. I know you are with her, but keep this to your f-ing self or else.”
Jesse B: “Natalie is cool, but this is a game. It’s not going to be hard for me to let her go.”

Gia: “Are you f-ing sure?”
Jesse B: “I’m here for half a million dollars. And to meet you.”

Gia giggles and confides to the camera that she “isn’t going to let Jesse’s charm misconstrue her strategy.” I’ve decided to overlook the incorrect use of misconstrue and go with YAY FOR GIA for using a sentence that didn’t have to be bleeped by ABC!

Just as we are beginning to think the Bachelor Pad has gone all soft on us by not shooting any make out sessions since Natalie and Beck’s PDA in our episode opener, the camera sneaks over Elizabeth asking Kovacs if there’s anything she can do to make it up to him that she’s been a “dumb smart girl” so far in this competition. Kovacs fancies a back scrub, so the next shot is them getting it on in the shower, complete with acoustic guitar soundtrack. I feel sorry for the intern who had to be in there holding a back light so the shadow would be projected on the curtain, but someone has to do go the distance for the show besides Kovacs.

Back in makeshift Morocco, we find Gia massaging Wes Hayden’s hands with lavender oil. Gia giggles and tells Wes he is the nicest guy in the house. Wes tells Gia that he is crazy about her…she is beautiful, funny, smart, witty and everything he wants in a girl. He wishes the circumstances were different, but he truly thinks she is amazing.

For the first time in her life, Gia is f-ing speechless.

Wes: “You’re not mine. You’ll never be mine. You are so beautiful. I have an infatuation that you are my girl. I mean that. I love you.”

Gia melts into a puddle before his eyes and he knows he has won…even without his guitar.

Gia: “You are so f-ing sweet. Everyone has it wrong about you.”

And instead of giving the rose she promised to Craig, she gives it to Wes Hayden.

Craig, still reeling in Gia’s “I never go back on my word” speech, is confused. Wes Hayden is mentally changing the lyrics to his number one selling album in Chihuahua, Mexico to “They Say That Love Does Come Easy When You Can Charm The Pants Off A Swimsuit Model Who Is Secretly Insecure.” It’s sure to be another classic, available at Wal-Mart on his Greatest Hits album next spring.

Gia: “I just messed up the f-ing whole game plan. I never expected to meet someone so f-ing amazing. I probably made a mistake. My head said to give the rose to Craig, but my heart said give it to Wes Hayden. Morally I did the right thing.”

Naturally, the plastics are relieved.

Girl Jessie gets her flirt on with Crazy Dave in the hot tub and straight up admits to him that she is a true plastic but will pretend to be an outsider to gather information. Unfortunately, she didn’t count on Krisily eavesdropping while she seals this deal with Crazy Dave with a kiss.

Krisily agrees to tell her super secret about Girl Jessie to Kiptyn in exchange for a quick peek at his abs.

The next morning, Beck checks out Gia’s scars she got from the school kids stealing her shoes back in the day before she was pretty and concludes that she is one cool chick. Everyone knows cool is totally above and beyond rad. He leaves to have a heart-to-heart with Natalie.

Beck: “I’ve heard that you’ve given more rides than a New York City cab.”
Natalie: “Untrue. Crazy Dave is my boy. Sure he’s seen my boobs, but who hasn’t? And yes, at one point I dated Kovacs. But that was just for his wine connections.”

Beck: “I just want to be friends.”
Natalie: “With benefits?”

Beck: “Ask me again after the show. We’ll see. Right now, I’m concentrating on being an outsider.”

Meanwhile, Gia tries to make good on her HUGE mistake of not giving Craig the rose. She feels that there are five girls in her pack who will vote for Kiptyn and five in their pack who will vote for Craig. She will be the one to break the tie and will vote for Kiptyn. Everyone seems cool with this decision for the most part.

Our Host Chris Harrison walks in to talk to the group. We ignore the shirt and tie combo. Let’s agree that it wasn’t as bad as Natalie’s hot pink tutu. He cranks the tension up about 50 notches by asking Elizabeth how her relationship with Kovacs is going in front of everyone.

Elizabeth explains that her situation isn’t any different than Tenley and Kiptyn’s situation. With the gentle hum of a whispering wind, Tenley corrects Elizabeth by saying that her relationship with Kip is not physical. She secretly dreams of the day when he whisks her away to ride his white steed and live happily ever after, but alas, that has not happened yet.

Elizabeth is shocked that Tenley would be so bold in front of the entire group and gives her the harshest reaction she can fathom:

Her feelings have been hurt because of Tenley’s rudeness.

Harrison jumps all over this and asks Tenley, even though she is clearly upset, to explain herself. Through chokes, sobs and tears, Tenley picks up the baby lamb at her feet and buries her head in the soft wool. She apologizes for making Elizabeth upset and promises to never do it again. She begs for forgiveness and Elizabeth accepts. Tiny little mice use the discarded scraps of material from sewing Tenley’s rose ceremony dress to wipe away her tears.

Harrison allows the brooding to go on a little longer before making sure everyone has voted in the deliberation room. Elizabeth threatens Ashley and tells her to stop trying to make fetch happen. Crazy Dave confronts Girl Jessie, asking her to deny that she is in cahoots with Craig. She begins crying and promises to stick with the plastics and vote for Craig.

Knowing that Nikki has her tiara and Miss Illinois sash packed in her bag, Crazy Dave is convinced she can be swung to the plastic side. He and Kovacs agree that Kip is just the person to make her see the light.

Kip tells Nikki he understands her dilemma and if it’s his time to go, he’s fine with that. Nikki wants to keep him, but has promised to vote him off the island. She hates that she is the swing vote and wishes all the stressful people would just go home. She begins to cry and Kip puts an arm around her, pulling her body into his abs.

Nikki is done. She drank the cool kid Kool-Aid. There’s no turning back now.

Harrison reminds us that Wes Hayden (in his electric green shirt), Weatherman, Gwen and Gia all have immunity. The remaining roses go to:

Tenley
Jesse B
Peyton
Nikki
Ashley
David
Elizabeth
Natalie
Kovacs
Krisily
Kip

Gia looks like she’s gong to murder someone and begins stage whispering, “who?” to all the outsiders. I found this ironic since she had the power to give Craig a rose 30 minutes ago. Sonny is sent back to Miami Beach to fight crime for the vice squad. Girl Jesse removes her dress and sits in the limo in her bikini, wondering if anything would have happened between her and Crazy Dave and Nikki sulks in the corner now that she is alienated from both the plastics and the outsiders.

Never fear Nikki. From the looks of next week’s show, Crazy Dave will be making his move on you. Perhaps the attraction begins during a saucy game of blindfold kissing? Maybe that’s why Gia calls Wes Hayden a “modern day Shakespeare…only cuter.” And of course, Natalie copes with Jesse dumping her by going topless.

This is the Bachelor Pad. Share your love in the comments section!

She’s my cherry pie
Disgusting piece of crust stick in her eye
Yacking in a bucket makes Tenley cry
Sweet cherry pie
—– Warrant, 1990

Recap will be up as soon as I find a polka-dot jacket to pair with my gingham dress.

Thanks to IHGB readers Jamie, Kerry and Aja for sending me the exciting news that DDAHnna Pappas is betrothed to Stephen Stagliano. No, he’s not the Stagliano you remember from Jillian’s season–that’s his twin brother–who is also engaged to former bachelorette Holly Durst.

Try to keep up with me people.

DDAHnna appeared as a bachelorette contestant on Hotter the Crap Brad Womack’s season. She was rejected at the Home Depot Pillar of Love and asked to come back the next season as the official Bachelorette. She narrowed her choices down to single father Jason Mesnick (founding father of “The Mesnick”: to sob with gut-wrenching regret and confusion which must be executed leaning over a balcony) and snowboarder extraordinaire Jessie Csincsak. She ended up engaged to Csincsak but later broke it off. He confirmed the split via YouTube video, complete with tears. We all laughed.

Because he was America’s sweetheart, Jason Mesnick was invited to be the next Bachelor. Holly Durst was a bachelorette contestant during this season. So was a gal by the name of Ann Lueders. And another one by the name of Jillian Harris. All managed to escape the d-bag’s clutches and were kicked off the show sans roses. Jillian was asked to be the next Bachelorette because ABC knows how we love regurgitated contestants.

Stay with me. I’m almost done.

Jillian was charmed by a darling break dancer named Michael Stagliano. She gave him the boot after meeting the parents (and twin brother Stephen). Stagliano went to the “Men Tell All” after party dragging his brother along for support. Low and behold, Pappas and Durst were at said party and according to the group, that’s all she wrote.

In a bit of irony, Pappas’ former fiance Csincsak also announced today that he has proposed to former bachelorette contestant Lueders, whom he met on a Bachelor reunion cruise about a year ago.

Clearly, Pappas is a little miffed that the snowboarder is trying to steal her thunder. As a result, she made a deal to sell their Wonder Twin Power story to US Weekly for a small fee. She convinced her future sister-in-law that she needs to dye her hair brown and insisted that they wear the same outfits at all times. Fortunately the Stagliano twins dress alike, so there was no arm twisting in that department.

If you can persevere through the video below, you have a stronger stomach than me:

I’m going to say that DDAHnna definitely wears the pants in BOTH relationships.

We all know from watching the behind the scenes specials that Bachelor creator Mike Fleiss is a dirty old man. After watching last night’s show, I find it odd that it took eight years and 20 combined seasons of the Bachelor and Bachelorette for Fleiss to come up with this idea of throwing “love” out the window and taking an “amazing journey” to the raunchier corners of his mind in order to manipulate, calculate and ultimately win a quarter of a million dollars.

Of course he’s going to choose former rejected players who were straight up crazy or category six a-holes. That’s obviously a given when it comes to good trashy TV. But kudos to Fleiss for stirring several helpings of unexpected drama into the pot. Who knew he hosted “Bachelor reunions” on the side? After years and years of mixers, cruises and clam bakes on the beach, you can imagine the heated make out sessions and random hook ups that were initiated from one too many tequila shots in the grotto. Clearly, these orgies have been a calculated maneuver to help entertain the viewing audience with the most vulgar display ABC has ever aired on prime time television. We are one inch away from crossing the Super Bowl XXXVIII NippleGate line. And from the strategically placed black modesty box that was covering Natalie’s pantie-less crotch last night, it looks like we are going to be flirting with the FCC all season long.

Fun! Break out the Germ Squirt and let the recapping begin!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone on your Twitter account happens to personally know, sort of know, friends with the nephew/former classmate of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying New Moon on DVD or have a Jazzercize instructor that looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

I love that Our Host Chris Harrison doesn’t even greet us anymore. There’s no need. He knows we know who he is. Smooth. Poised. Simply classic.

He commands the circle driveway with a smoldering confidence. His megawatt smile and dazzling blue eyes smize with the camera. From his casual attire, we know this isn’t the traditional reality dating show we’ve all come to love to hate to love. Aside from the crisp blue shirt and accompanying blazer, Harrison is wearing jeans.

If memory serves me correctly, Our Host has worn jeans two times prior to this blessed occasion. We all remember his Diesels in Istanbul as he stifled laughter during Ali’s spontaneous poetry reading, but who could forget him looking darling in denim when he greeted the girls during their road trip to meet Jake who was dressed up like a lumberjack that day which was weird because they were in a vineyard.

I’m off track.

My point? Harrison can rock a pair of jeans. Harrison can rock a suit. Heretofore, Harrison just plain rocks.

He stands in front of the circle drive fountain with red roses flanking either side. He explains that all 19 contestants will be living under one roof AND sleeping in one bedroom. They will all be competing for $250,000 and perhaps…a second chance at lust. Grab a mimosa and let’s meet the contestants!

In Order of Appearance

Tenley
Season: Bachelor Jake
Why you remember her: She danced the dance of her heart for Jake. It was lyrical. Jake was disappointed by the lack of stripper pole extending from the ceiling, but he smiled just the same. In case you hadn’t heard, she’s divorced. She is the resident welcome wagon greeter and squeals with delight as each contestant enters the room.

Boy Jesse
Season: Bachelorette Ali
Why you remember him: Jesse is the low maintenance mysterious guy from Small Town, USA. He has 15.3 tattoos and loves his dog. Has a major thing for…

Natalie
Season: Bachelor Jason
Why you remember her: She likes bears. She’s friends with all the other Bachelors thanks to super awesome reunions from days of yore. She is BFF with Crazy Dave and will more than likely have no problems performing naughty tasks in order to win the money or have some alone time with Boy Jesse. She steps out of the limo in a unique fashion choice: strapless flower shirt with never nudes.

Crazy Dave
Season: Bachelorette Jillian
Why you remember him: Crazy Dave became “Crazy Dave” when he freaked out that a fellow Bachelor did not partake in the pre-rose ceremony whiskey shot. He and Natalie greet each other as if they were old friends. They have so much in common…a love for booze and their reflection in the mirror.

Grandma Gwen
Season: Aaron—the Original Bachelor
Why you remember her: You don’t because none of you watched the show back then. She is ??-years-old and is, according to Crazy Dave, “older than the rest of us…kind of like a Mom.” She seems very sweet and with probably be kicked off the show early on.

Girl Jessie
Season: Bachelor Jake and official show tattle tale
Why you remember her: Girl Jessie barely uttered four sentences during her entire season of the Bachelor. However, one of those sentences just happened to be, “Hey Harrison, Roz is schtupping the executive producer. I think that’s grounds for kicking her oot of the hoose, eh?” On her last day in the mansion, she revealed to Jake that Vienna was not there for the right reasons, informing him that she carries a dog around like it’s a baby and her hair extension are beginning to smell sort of rank. Furthermore, Girl Jessie outed Rated-R as a fake while consoling his girlfriend by calling Justin a hoser. According to most of the men in the house, Jessie is smoking hot with a good body. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, I’m pretty sure she is related to some higher ups at the company. Perhaps her talent for finding out dirty little secrets has enabled her to blackmail her way on the show? We will probably never know.

Weatherman
Season: Bachelorette Ali
Why you remember him: One of my favorite parts of the night is when Harrison yells, “WEATHERMAN” as the Weatherman exits his limo. And the awesome graphics folks over at ABC even label him as WEATHERMAN when he gives voiceovers. I’m not even going to waste brain power to try and remember his real name. Bless his little shaven chest, Weatherman is obviously intimidated by all the hot bodies. And the girls aren’t bad either. He laments that the worst thing would be to see Coiffed Craig saunter in with his big can of hairspray. (Such subtle foreshadowing.)

Nikki
Season: Bachelor Jason
Why you remember her: We were first introduced to Nikki back in the day as she polished her dining room table while wearing a crown and a Miss Illinois sash. Our next encounter was not really with Nikki, but more with her boobs. Spilling forth from a yellow dress, the ABC camera guy can’t help but focus in on them. She’s excited at what this journey might bring and is looking to have a good time…with anyone but Juan. Apparently, they dated briefly and then he hooked up with another girl. Of course, the next to enter into the Bachelor Pad is…

Juan
Season: Bachelorette Jillian
Why you remember him: You thought he would be excited to see the Weatherman, but this whole “dated Nikki” thing has you completely thrown off. Thankfully, Natalie reveals that he went to Chicago and needed a place to stay and the only way he could get a room and not freeze to death from the blistering winds was to sleep with Nikki. At least that’s what she heard from the reunion when everyone met up in LA for miniature golf and sushi.

Wes Hayden (aka—He Who Must Not Be Named)
Season: Bachelorette Jillian
Why you remember him: He is the self-proclaimed “most notorious villain in Bachelor history.” He “what’s up amigo?” Harrison as he steps out of the limo. Harrison immediately responds, “Where’s your guitar?” followed by an obligatory, “You are single, right?” Again. This is why we love Harrison. The smattering of gray whiskers on HWMNBN’s chin lets us know that he has matured since we last saw him. You can only play so many bars in Chihuhua, Mexico before the locals start demanding new material. Opening for Darryl Worley during the 7:00 show at the Dixie Chicken just doesn’t cut it anymore. He is in it to win it and is physically and mentally prepared.

Krisily
Season: Bachelor Charlie
Why you remember her: You don’t.

Elizabeth
Season: Bachelor Jake
Why you remember her: First, you remember her as a brunette. (Tone down the peroxide honey.) Wearing a blue and white borderline cocktail dress appropriate for an outdoor ladies brunch at the Plaza, Elizabeth admits that she is “twitterpated” with Jesse Kovacs. She is also the resident manipulator. And is a master at pulling the strings of one…

Boy Jesse #2 (further known as Kovacs)
Season: Bachelorette Jillian
Why you remember him: Jesse was the wine maker that made his move about one day too late during Jillian’s season. He admits that he hooked up with Elizabeth when the Bachelor alums went horseback riding through the Grand Canyon. Since she went blond, Kovacs sees her more as a friend. He acknowledges that money is more important than love.

Kiptyn
Season: Bachelorette Jillian
Why you remember him: I’d like to thank Our Host Chris Harrison for the blatant shout out to me when he asked how Kip’s abs were doing. I think it is a travesty that we didn’t get to see them up close and personal during this episode and I have submitted a strongly written letter to the ABC editing department for their disgusting disregard of that beautiful six pack. Rumor has it that Tenley and Kip have a bit of a spark flying between them. I would be willing to bet that was true since Tenley made a sound like a banshee when Kip walked through the door. She also flung herself on him with reckless abandon and giggled like a school girl for the next 20 minutes.

Ashley
Season: Bachelor Jake
Why you remember her: She received nothing more than a mention when she entered the mansion. She silently cursed whomever advised her NOT to where the flight attendant outfit, remembering how perfectly it worked to garner the attention of Jake.

Peyton
Season: Lieutenant Doctor Bachelor Andy Baldwin
Why you remember her: She also received less than five seconds of introduction. I personally have a special place in my heart for Peyton after Lt. Dr. Baldwin left her on an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean waving from a helicopter.

Michelle
Season: Bachelor Jake
Why you remember her: To quote Natalie, “OMG. She’s the CRAZY one.” To quote Wes Hayden: “She has the hottest body in the house, but you have to worry about her chopping your thing off in the middle of the night.”

Gia
Season: Bachelor Jake
Why you remember her: Gia is the swimsuit model from New York who may or may not have family connections to the Sicilian Mafia. According to her, she has a boyfriend. According to the majority of the men in the house, they don’t seem to care.

Coiffed Craig
Season: Bachelorette Ali
Why you remember him: How could you miss the turquoise top, white pants and boat shoes? Someone get this guy a fruity umbrella drink and put on some Harry Belafante because he is ready to kill the limbo on the lido deck. Craig is quick to slap the Weatherman on the back and fill out his “Hello My Name Is” name tag with the word “Dangerous.”

Our Host Chris Harrison clinks his champagne glass and welcomes the group to the inaugural season of the Bachelor Pad. Everyone has a chance for love, lust and money! He explains that each week there will be a competition among contestants. The winner will receive a rose (therefore immunity) and will be given the opportunity to go on an intimate date with the guy or girl of your choice. You vote someone off each week. Guys vote off a girl. Girls vote off a guy. Since there is so much going on, they have brought back one of the most popular Bachelorettes ever…Melissa Rycroft…to help Chris out.

As if Harrison needs a co-host. Please. This guy has ABC wrapped around his finger. Clearly he has zero interest in the shenanigans of the Bachelor Pad. If you are Chris Harrison, it’s easy to find love. Just snap your fingers and a plethora of Victoria’s Secret models are at your beckon call. And who needs 250K when you drink Cristal with diamonds in the glass? The bottom line is that Harrison was promised major cash to show up and referee a game of naked Twister. Can you blame him for negotiating a co-host?

No. No you can’t.

Harrison encourages the kids to go explore the mansion. After a few minutes, we find that the doors have all been locked with the exception of one. Natalie is the first to bust through and find 20 bunk beds. That’s right people! You’re dreams of sneaking out at night and canoeing over to the co-ed side of the lake to spy on the kids of the opposite sex at summer camp has finally come true!

Weatherman: “Maybe with a set up like this, it will help my chances.”

Bless him.

Beauty Queen Nikki is already skeptical. How is she supposed to wake up in the morning with a beautiful man mere inches away when she has morning breath and no makeup? Natalie has other things to worry about…like announcing to everyone in the room and the world that she is sans panties. Remembering the small details are the hardest.

Everyone changes into their swimwear and I am again irritated that we didn’t get a money shot of Kip’s abs. What in the world?

All the girls pile up together and decide that Craig M. needs to go home because he was so mean to the Weatherman. They high five each other because they were able to work together as a team so seamlessly. Tenley performs an interpretive dance to celebrate the moment. Krisily rolls her eyes and reminds everyone that she’s a b!tch. (Her words…not mine.)

Since Harrison had a few more inches to smoke on a sweet Cuban cigar he got as a thank you gift from Roberto, he sends Melissa off to start the competition without him. The contestants are summoned from the pool area out into the front yard where a ginormous Twister game has been set up. Melissa instructs everyone to take their places around the board.

Melissa begins calling out instructions. Right foot blue. Left hand red. After about four rounds, the Twister board became an erotic sea of tumbling boobs, ripped abs, round butts, silicone, glistening pecs and crotches galore. Butts were in faces. Faces were in crotches. Crotches were straddling other legs. It was a hot mess. The flight attendant was the first to crash and burn. Immediately after, Rycroft barks out that Tenley’s butt hit the ground and a hush fell over the tangled crowd.

Tenley. The dancer. The girl who had the flexibility of a Romanian gymnast was out of the game. Her lower lip starts to tremble as she experiences defeat for the second time in her life. She wonders what she ever did to Melissa to make her hate her so much?

Harrison arrives in a hot pink Armani pullover with worn jeans looking relaxed. Somewhere in California, Ali is taking notes on how to properly pull off neon without looking like an 80s throwback. He’s secretly annoyed that there are still so many left in the game. In a bit of irony, he begins booting people off left and right, reminding them that they actually don’t know their left from their right.

It comes down to Girl Jessie and Craig. Elizabeth begins heckling Mr. Dangerous, telling him that he is going home if he doesn’t win because the girls are voting him off. Meanwhile, Girl Jessie makes a deal with Craig, “If I win, I’ll take you. If you win, you take me.” Girl Jessie throws the match and Craig is the winner.

Craig: “I got the first rose. I’m the Bachelor! I feel like the king of the hoose!”

Harrison tells Craig that he gets to choose three women to take on the date with him. One rose will be given out and that girl gets immunity. Clearly, Elizabeth has switched gears and slowly figures out how to woo the king.

Craig asks for some one-on-one time with Elizabeth. She pretends to be put out with the request and follows him to the bunk room. She explains that she just got a “vibe” from him and he needs to prove his worthiness by winning her over.

Of course Wes Hayden can spot the charm from a mile away. He is sort of turned on by her vicious tactics to win the game.

Back in the kitchen, crazy Michelle channels Kasey and sings the song that’s in her heart while running a finger over Craig’s broad shoulders. Luckily, the mansion was on lockdown and she wasn’t able to skip out and get a tattoo to show her true affection for the man with all the power.

It’s finally bed time and everyone climbs into their bunks. The lights are turned out and the night vision camera is turned on. All the contestants look eerily like nocturnal animals as they cock their heads in confusion and inevitable realization that someone is making out. The smacking sounds and creaking bed springs are undeniable.

The next morning, Dave decides to get to the bottom of the mystery:

Crazy Dave: “I heard smacking noises last night.”
Tenley: “Oh my goodness. I couldn’t sleep because of it. It was so distracting. I had to start choreographing a routine in my head because I was so embarrassed.”

Crazy Dave: “Jesse?”
Boy Jesse: “Yeah?”
Crazy Dave: “Dude. Did you hook up?”
Boy Jesse (unfazed): “No.”

Tenley: “I think it was Michelle and Craig.”
Crazy Dave: “Gross.”

For the next five minutes, the news travels all around the mansion. Everyone thinks Michelle is hooking up with Craig to get the rose.

These people aren’t just pretty. They can certainly put two and two together when challenged.

Michelle is not happy to wake up and find that someone has started a rumor about her and Craig. She will get to the bottom of it and is willing to bet her boiled bunny that she will get revenge.

Someone knocks at the door and Girl Jessie runs to fetch the date card. I thought it was random that she fetched the date card podium as well, but whatever.

Coiffed Craig is called to the living room. He takes great pride in reading “sometimes you have to get a little cold to feel the heat.”

He chooses Girl Jessie, Elizabeth and in a sudden twist…Grandma Gwen on his threesome. Craig invites the ladies to join him in the limo. Proving that ABC did actually encourage the contestants to wear nothing but swimsuits and underwear, Girl Jessie ensemble consists of a red string bikini and heels. Nice.

Craig pulls Elizabeth away again for some alone time at the beach, doing his best to convince her that he isn’t evil. He also reminds her that she was quite the tease to Jake. She says that she never hurt anyone in the process and leans in for an almost kiss and then pulls away while asking if there is anyone in the house he would want to make out with. When he answers “You,” she lets him kiss her forehead and then she leaves him confessing to the camera that he was SO CLOSE.

Back at the mansion, Natalie and Boy Jesse are making out by the fire telling each other how adorable they are. Juan confides in Gia that he is not in this game for love, but to win the money. Gia thanks him for not thinking with his penis.

Across town, Craig’s limo pulls up to the Greek Theater and a waiting Melissa Rycroft looks serious among rows and rows of empty seats. She reads the note card Harrison wrote for her explaining that Craig must now choose someone to keep for an intimate date while the other two are sent back home. Craig chooses Girl Jessie. I assume they are forming an alliance. They bound off together to awkwardly dance to the Alex Band Band in a private concert. As viewers, we have been there…done that…19 times.

I feel it is my duty to remind the male readers of this blog to please, PLEASE learn how to dance. The activity that was displayed on that make-shift living room set-up in front of the stage was miles away from anything close to dancing. Unacceptable. A simple two-step will always do. And so help me if you bite your bottom lip…

A distraught Elizabeth slinks back into the mansion with Gwen, demanding that someone fixes her a drink. Then she asks for a private audience with Kovacs.

From what I can gather, Elizabeth and Kovacs sort of dated, but not really. He says that she likes him more than he is willing to like her. I know. Clear as mud. She boldly proclaimed several times to anyone who listened that she loves him and is okay with the fact that he doesn’t have feelings for her. She cries about this all the time and would apologize for being an emotional wreck.

Kovacs: “Elizabeth. Some of the girls are under the impression that they can’t talk to me because you called dibs. People think that we are exclusive. This is a competition. I need to know what you said to them.”
Elizabeth: “I said that I am in love with Kovacs and I don’t think like he feels the same. You want me to pretend I don’t have feelings and whore myself out?”

Kovacs: “I never said that.”
Elizabeth: “The core group likes me. But if you treat me poorly, it can have negative consequences on you.”

Kovacs: “Are you threatening me?”
Elizabeth smiles.

A confused Kovacs shares his troubles with Crazy Dave who offers to rally the guys and vote Elizabeth off the island. Kovacs thanks him for having his back and they hug it out bro style.

Back in the bunk room, Michelle is ready to lock Tenley in the closet for starting the rumor that she and Craig hooked up. In a strategic move, Michelle is able to escape the camera man who follows her crazy self around 24-hours-a-day by tricking him into thinking she has to go pee. We heard a few BLEEPS and some banging around on the door before a pathetic looking Tenley shuffles out with only her toothbrush as protection.

Tenley: “Michelle came in the bathroom and had her foot on the door and I couldn’t get out. (sniffle) She was yelling at me and I didn’t know what to do. (sniffle) It was like I was Cinderella and she was one of the wicked step sisters. I thought she was going to make me scrub the toilet with my toothbrush. I was stuck in there! (sniffle) I know she’s five-foot and weighs 98 pounds soaking wet, but what was I supposed to do? Fire came out of her eyes and she began speaking in awful, filthy language. (sniffle) I just kept waiting for my knight in shining armor to show up, but he was too busy doing a set of 1,000 crunches before bed. I don’t feel safe here.”

Elizabeth finds out who tells Ashley who tells Gia who leans down under her bunk to tell Kip. Who was shirtless…but had his covers pulled up to his chin. This was the moment! The ab-tastic moment we’ve all been waiting for! Kip was going to rescue the fair maiden which meant he had to get out of bed without a shirt!

But he doesn’t, therefore, no abs. CURSES ABC! CURSES!!!!

There’s a lot of drama, hooching and sucking up going on. And this is just the first day. Natalie and Boy Jesse are now sharing a bed about to get busy when Weatherman reminds them that he is “still in the room guys!” Juan is sucking up to Nikki by apologizing for his bad behavior. Krisily thinks that the girls should vote off the athletic boys. Natalie tells the athletic boys. Elizabeth continues to cry about how she’s in love with Kovacs and then tells him that the girls wanted to vote him off, but she convinced them to keep him because she is everything that is sweet and good rolled up into one. She demands he play the role of “doting boyfriend” and apologize to everyone for hurting her. He agrees and then hands her both of his balls.

We hear the subtle clinking of a champagne glass and regale in the glory that is Our Host Chris Harrison. Then we see his tie and wonder which A-list movie star or top-selling rap artist bet him to wear such an awful choice on inaugural night. Then we wish we hung out with Harrison all the time just to see what awesome is truly like.

The contestants must each go into the deliberation room and select one photo from the Pier One Bureau and place it in the ballot box. The one man and one woman with the most votes will be out.

Everyone talks to their picture choices out loud. I laughed out loud.

At the rose ceremony, Melissa Rycroft has been strictly forbidden to talk. She will only hand out boutonnieres and long stems in her sparkly silver mini dress that was undoubtedly made for a junior high eighth-grade dance. Harrison’s infamous baritone doesn’t waste any time calling out the names of those who received roses along with Girl Jessie and Craig:

Gia
Boy Jesse
Peyton
Kip
Tenley
Nikki
Ashley
David
Natalie
Wes
Gwen
Elizabeth
Weatherman
Krisily
Kovacs

Juan and Michelle are sent home in separate but equal limos. And I have to hand it to the Weatherman for having one of the best lines of the night: “There weren’t enough roses for Michelle’s personalities. And roses don’t really stick to straight jackets.”

Okay! I’m off to take my fifth shower in 24-hours. I just can’t seem to wash the show off of me. You guys discuss in the comment section. Is Craig a good guy? Is Crazy Dave still crazy? Will everyone figure Elizabeth? Do you think that later in the season, the “twist” will be that you have to choose boys and girls to go on intimate dates? And I don’t mean that in a Weatherman way…I mean that in a strategic way.

Discuss!

I’m all about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee