iHateGreenBeans

On Saturday I received a call from my friend Kyle.  (You remember him, right?  He’s my American Idol blogger.  You’ve laughed with/at him here, here, here and don’t forget  here.)

Anyway, Kyle tells me this story about how he had received his first massage EVER the day before.  The tale lasted about 10 minutes and I have to say that it’s the hardest I’ve laughed in a while.  I asked him to be a dear and write it all down so I could post it for your viewing pleasure. 

And of course, he obliged:

For a thank you present after an amazing banquet, our committee gave us an hour-long massage gift certificate.  I have never really been excited about the idea of getting a massage.  This is mainly because I am 100 percent sure that I would act/ do/ or say something stupid and really be a huge dork while making things awkward, because let’s face it–it’s kind of what I do.  But I had only heard good things about the process, so I decided to take the leap and let a stranger put their hands ALL over my body.

Walking into the beautiful Massage Parlor was kind of a surreal experience. Let me back up a little.  Getting ready for the event, I was a little confused about what I should wear, or what I shouldn’t wear.  Kind of felt like a first date. 

So walking into the place felt a little taboo.  I am going to throw this out there…I kind of felt like I was getting a hooker.  I have never gotten a hooker, but really that is the only thing I can compare this too.  Sitting there filling out some paperwork, I was kind of giddy, but in a weird way.  I was  awkwardly laughing/snickering and smiling non stop, because I had NOOOOOO idea how to act in the room.  And when I say I had no idea how to act, I really mean I HAD NO FREAKING IDEA how to act.  And when that happens, I just get mouth diarrhea and can not shut up.

Needless to say, there was a lot of that going on.

My girl walks out all professionally and welcomes me into the room.  It was fantastic in that room.  Other than being the size of my palm, the music was great, lighting dim and it smelt like eucalyptus leaves.

Well…she told me it was that smell.  She could have told me it was Seaweed Ginger and I would have believed her.

And here is when the awkwardness begins.

She takes me into the room and before she can speak, I say, “So this is my first time and I am going to let you know that I don’t know how to act.  I have never done this before, so I am probably going to moan or grunt a lot.”

Yep.  Those words came out.  She told me not to worry.  She said she was going to leave so I could undress.  She said I could keep my boxers on and instructed me to get under the covers on my stomach.  When she left, I got that smile on my face again, because I felt kind of dirty for some unknown reason.  I then proceed to strip on down to my Homer Simpson boxers (worn just for this special occasion) and lay on my stomach under the covers.

Remember:  I do not know massage protocol.

I hear a knock on the door to which I reply, rather loudly “COME IN!”

She walks in and the first thing I say is, “Sorry.  I didn’t know if I should cover all the way up, or just mid back or …”

She stops me and tells me to just lay there and she will take care of everything.

She then proceeds to rub me down. I notice throughout the whole thing that she is spraying lotion out of a bottle.  Even though there are bottles everywhere, I know she is not holding one. I figure out later that she has a lotion holster.  That’s right.  A holster for her lotion.  Absolutely amazing.

I start to get more comfortable as she works on my back.  The next thing I know, I’m asleep.  I wake up when she is moving my arm and I jerk it out of her hands and kind of jump up.  She gets  a little startled but assures me that it’s OK.  This happens a few more times.  Once the back is done, she asks me to roll on my back.

At this point I am all relaxed and feeling good.  I roll over, eyes watering because I was asleep and she pulls the blanket up to cover my chest.  For some reason, a reason I can not tell you why, I pull down the blanket to my boxers.  She looks at me all weird and asks if everything is OK.

Me:  “Yeah.  This is great.  Thank you.  Are you going to do my chest now?”

Her:  “No, I was thinking about doing your shoulders.”

Me:  “That would be great.”

I close my eyes.  I notice she isn’t moving.  I open my eyes and see her kind of looking strangely.

Me:  “Would it be better if I pulled the blanket up?”

Her:  “Yeah.  That would be great.” 

At that point, I decided to not talk anymore.

The end was much like the beginning, except this time she told me to put on my clothes and wait for her.  Only I don’t think I heard the “wait” part and decided to walk out.  As I am checking out, I hear my little friend walking around the parlor asking where I was.  She wasn’t done.  She needed to give me my water.

And that’s the end. I may or may not be welcome in that particular parlor ever again, but it was a great rub own.  I recommend it to all.  Just don’t yell “COME IN” or wear Homer Simpson boxers.  At least if you are over the age of eight.

* * * * * *

I’m sure Kyle isn’t the only person who had an interesting experience at a massage parlor.  We want to hear your stories.  Don’t be scared.  I’m in a laughing mood!  Change your name and share your tales in the comment section!

Hello Green Beaners!

Thanks so much for your well wishes on my knee and little stitch problem.  All is well in the land of Lincee.  Apparently, I will continue to snip until there is nothing more to snip.  Unless things become infected and then we open up an entire other can of worms.  Fun!

First things first…

I’m hearing rumors that Jake is the next Bachelor.  Several of you have been emailing me links that this important news has been LEAKED by one of the contestants.  I’m going to go ahead and guess that her first-born will be immediately given to ABC executives upon his/her birth.  That’s the price you pay when you are on a reality show.  Everyone knows that.

I’m not sure how I feel about Jake as the next Bachelor.  I’m still TEAM REID.  He is so wonderful in so many ways…

And speaking of wonderful in many ways… THREE RIVERS DEBUTS SUNDAY!  Tune in to CBS at 9/8:00 EST.

As you recall, my friend Christopher is a lead actor in this new drama about organ donors, recipients and their doctors on CBS.  I talked about him at the end of this post, where I promised more charm and humor to come.  I encourage you to take the time to read through the wittiest Q&A I’ve conducted to date.  That way, you can brag to your friends that you knew Christopher J. Hanke when he was just starting out.

Behold:  The Wonder that is Hanke

Question:  What is the most intriguing thing about your character Ryan Abbott?  Will we love you?  Or love to hate you?

Answer:  Ryan Abbott is a newly hired assistant transplant coordinator that has ZERO medical experience.  In a hospital!  Of course Three Rivers doesn’t initially realize this, which allows for some real comedic, honest moments to unravel!  That sort of real life comedy has been refreshing and fun to play.  Ryan is a Midwestern boy scout, problem solving dude, that is so earnest and so open that he is hilarious without even realizing it!  Oh, and you will LOVE him.  I hope.  I think.  Don’t hate.  Please don’t hate.

Question:  How were you approached about the job?  Walk us through the process.

Answer:  I was in my manager’s office on a quick trip to LA to audition for some pilots.  Dannielle told me about this show called THREE RIVERS and that there was this perfect part for me that was the stand out role (re: funny guy in a drama) that I should audition for later that week.  Secret inside scoop is that my character at that point was named Ryan Romero.  So I guess that once I was cast the creators thought, “Wow.  Hanke doesn’t seem too Romero-ish to us.  No olive skin.  No Italian heritage.  Let’s go with Abbott.” 

I go in the room.  Nervous.  Dry mouth.  White on the corners of my lips.  Total loser.  I do the first scene and I’m kind of on track but with major nerves.  When the scene ends, I kind of pratt fall to the ground and just collapse “funny style, though, not all dramatic style”to release the tension that I had just created!  I remember sitting on the ground on my knees like I was 6 years old watching Barney.  The director said, “OK, Christopher, I think you should go a little more in this direction and remember this guy is a problem solver, not a moron!”  So, I got up, and did the scene again in a “I don’t know how, but I nailed it” kind of way. And that’s the character of Ryan in a nutshell.  He stumbles.   He fails.   He’s funny not meaning to be.  And then he delivers.  He comes through.  And that’s kind of what happened to me in that first audition. 

On a Friday night around 8pm, my agents and my manager call me to tell me I got the job!!!  So after pumping the air all “Rocky” style and after calling my dad and telling him I WOULD be able to pay him back the $5000 I owed him, I checked my checking account balance online to see how much celebrating I could do with my friends that night.  Let me tell you. God’s honest truth: $23 and some change.  Broke.  Broke ass wannabe actor actually made it and by the skin of his teeth.  It should be noted that the very next minute I called my father to have him wire me $500 so that I could live for the next few weeks.  Thanks dad! 

Then I remember making myself a celebratory cocktail while my manager was on the phone and I can still hear her saying, “Are you making a drink? and I’m like, “No, why?” and she’s all, “I can hear ice in a glass.” and I was like, No, that’s just this leftover, diet..lemonade thingy I was… OK!  I’ts vodka!” 

Question:  When did you know that you wanted to be an actor?

Answer: I was in London, studying, and I remember seeing a play in the West End and thinking that this guy, who was playing one of the leads wasn’t very good and that I could do better than him.  So I flew back to Texas, told my parents I wasn’t going to medical school, and I haven’t spoken to them sense.

No, I kid.  But that phone call was not easy.  “Hey dad, I know you just spent $300,000 on my education and all, but I’m going to be performing at Six Flags this fall instead of matriculating into med school.  Thanks, Bye.”

Cut to my father withdrawing all my graduation gift money out of my checking account.  Awesome!  But it was worth it.  I wouldn’t have done it any other way.

Question:  What do you consider your best physical feature? 

Answer:  Everyone always comments on my eyes, which are naturally very blue.  So, thank you Mom and Dad!  Or Mom.  Or Dad. Or both.  I don’t know.  I remember doing some type of recessive/dominant gene formula in high school biology about genes and heredity, and now I remember absolutely nothing about it.

Question: Have you ever bungee jumped? 

Answer:  ONCE!  And I will NEVER, NEVER, NEVER do it again.  I was at Six Flags in Houston and I had just eaten an awesome Greek dinner about an hour before and let’s just say..well..hummus on the pavement is not pretty!

Question:  Best concert ever?

Answer:  Miley Cyrus at the North Valley Mills Mall in ‘07 in front of the Talbots.  Damn that was a good summer!

Question:  What is your life motto?

Answer:  Have unconditional love towards others - obviously the ones you love but even more so, the ones you don’t.

Question:  What do you think you will be doing five years from now?  

Answer:  I will have started a company that I hope will be able to incorporate a ton of different aspects of the entertainment arena.  I will be acting producing projects, some TV and some for theater, as well as a secret line of clothing I want to develop for dudes.  Move over Jacklyn smith, I’m coming to Kmart.

Question:  What cartoon character best describes you?

Answer:  Some people have told me that I remind them of the dentist elf Hermie from the classic claymation cartoon of Rudolph.  Is this a compliment?  I’m thinking no.

Question:  What super power would you like to possess and why?

Answer:  Time travel.  So I could flash forward and be finished with this Q&A.

Question:  Are you currently single? 

Answer:  I may have fathered a few children on a trip to Brazil one summer.  Damn sangria!

Question:  How do you feel about green beans?

Answer:  I actually love green beans.  But it sounds better if you say, haricot vert.  Maybe I should start a website called:ihateharicotvert.com?  You are going down Lincee!!!  DOWN!

Question:  What makes Lincee so awesome?

Answer:  Some major winning points for Lincee – her faith and belief system, her ability to make us smile with the most specific, obscure references known to man and pop culture, and the fact that she can put on a hard hat and rock an oil rig but then get in her car and have the Mamma Mia cast album blasting.  I mean…dichotomy at its core!

No I did not just use the word dichotomy! 

Dork.  I know.

Never in the history of life has there been a bigger week than this last week, with the end of American Idol. (OK…so that was a HUGE exaggeration.) Sorry to get this post up late, but I was \in Colorado working for the week and did not have access to my computer. Wanna know a fun moment?   When someone you work with tells a crowd of about 350 that you are an American Idol blogger.  At that time I handed in my Man Card and then proceeded to sing Love Story with all those people. So here goes, my last post, last time to hear how much I like Kris, last time to hear me say how annoying Kara is, last time to hear my opinion about Adam. I know you are all sad and crying, and Veronica, I know you MOST of all are sad to see me go.

So Tuesday night’s show was not much to write about. As a guy, I really don’t notice clothes. It is sad. In college I was dating this girl, and during the first week of going out I had worn the same shirt three different times on dates and had no idea I had done that. Not until she pointed it out. I am dumb to that stuff. So, if I notice something, it has to be pretty loud. With that being said, thank you to the judges for giving me something to write about.

RANDY – Loved his jacket being about three sizes to0 small and of course his “Good and Plenty” tie. I was hoping on Wednesday he would have a red tie with some twists that you could pull apart.

PAULA – Apparently someone kept her in the tanning bed against her own will and told her to wear a bright color. “Ok Paula, imagine a highlighter, and I want you to wear a dress with that same color. No sweetie, nothing can be too bright.”

SIMON – One more button and we may have seen his belly button. That had to be an accident.  Can you have a shirt unbuttoned that much?  Granted I don’t have the body for that, but even if I did, would it be better if you just don’t wear a shirt. It was like he couldn’t decide if he wanted to wear one or not.

To bring sports fans into the mix, they do a coin flip to decide order of performances, and like a good coach, Kris decides to defer to the second half.

Something the show had been missing was a montage of Adam screaming. One after another after another after another and so on. Well with the show winding down, looks like it won’t … wait, hold on, there it is. So before we get started for the night, they want America to hear his screechness.

Adam starts with one of his best performances of the year. I really did enjoy the song then and even now. I wish he would have changed it up a little, but it was still good. And in typical Adam form, very theatrical. All I could see though was Van Helsing search for vampires. He loves to dress up. Judges liked it, not surprising. But what was shocking was that Paula said that it was unbelievable that he was there in the finals. Really Paula?  Really?  I’m pretty sure from day one you put him there. And Simon actually said something bad about him. This was the first negative thing said since when he destroyed Ring of Fire.

Then we see Kris’ family. Was it funny to anyone else to go from the Adam’s family to the Walton’s, flopping between Adam and Kris?  I love that there are two different types of guys battling for the end. You can tell throughout the show how different they are.  Adam has the vocal talent way over Kris. He can sing and is dang good at it. I think everyone can agree with that, it is not surprising.  Take the screeching away and his voice is cool. But as you see Kris’ two performances, you can see his talent level is amazing. He can take a song that you know, and totally change it up. His version of What’s Going On is awesome. He changed it up and made it to where an 18-year-old would hear it on the radio and think it is a brand new song.

The rest of the show was pretty boring and not giving a lot to write about. Only a few things:
 - I really think that when Paula answers, she has an ear piece in and someone on the other side telling her what to say. “Kris … you are … a bright … shining … light.  I mean … star.  And I am ……………. happy.

 - I noticed this show that Kara reminds me of the adults on Charlie Brown. You know when they are talking, and you are looking at them, but all you hear is “Mawawwawawamamamawawawawawamamamawa, Rock God.”

 - It was nice to see that Tom let Katie out for the night.  I thought she was required to stay at home and not be seen on camera anymore.

 - The last performance was, well weird. I love that Kara helped write that. I mean, an inspirational song about climbing mountains?  She is really going for something new that no one has ever done before. I didn’t really like either performance, but Adam sang it better than Kris. I liked Adam singing more. But you could tell neither were excited to sing it.

RESULTS SHOW
I love that this show makes fun of their own.  I like the judges videos and Paula’s video was even more proof that she has someone feeding her lines through an ear piece.

Who is this Mikalah Gordon in Conway?  Could anyone stick out more like a sore thumb in their surroundings. Where did they find her?

Well, if you missed those fun opening group songs, they really went all out for this one. They are so tough to watch. It is like a bad version of High School Musical. It was like a group of people were sitting around and all of the sudden music starts, and they all get the idea to just start dancing and singing, with no practicing at all.

Thank you AI for bringing Norman Gentles back to the show. I have liked him since the beginning, because he takes the show about as seriously as someone should. HE was so much fun to watch throughout the whole season. He was great and always entertaining. This was one of the most fun performances EVER. How about ending with “Norman Gentles 09″ and then just walks off and gives the mic to someone in the crowd. He is so great.

And then bringing Katrina back on, for all the guys who are having to watch the show because their wives are making them. When she walks out, Simon and Randy’s reaction are pure gold. They look like me on Christmas morning when I opened my Nintendo game system with Duck Hunt. Total shock and awe that someone would actually get that for me. And how about Kara coming out and singing. She loves herself and I am glad she showed America that she can sing. Of course I can not pass over the ending. Has anyone been more surprised since the Timerlake/Jackson fiasco?

And I thought Tatiana was gone. Well I guess I was hoping she was gone. I am glad she can make fun of herself. Can you imagine if she had gone far, I would have killed myself. I love watching drama on TV, mainly because I really don’t have any in my life. But man, that is tough to watch. I almost feel sorry for her, but I realize she puts it on herself. How about the second best quote of the year:  ”This is to all the guys who told me I had to sleep with people to make it to the top.” Thank you for that Tatiana, it is really sad you did not make it.

If you don’t like Seacrest, this show was a great example of how funny he is. From not being able to open the card with the winner on it, to quite possibly the best quote of the year. To Katrina: “I was going to ask you what’s new, but I think I know.” My brother turned over to me and admitted that he liked him. I remember when I came around. I encourage all of you to if you have not yet.

I realized that after one of the commercial breaks, I love that Ryan tells you who is going to sing. Because if he didn’t I would have not been able to fast forward through Queen Latifah and Lil Rounds. Thanks for looking out for me Ryan.

I loved Jason Mraz coming out to sing. I love that song and I am so glad they brought him out. Do you think when these artists come out to sing, they are a little frustrated and are annoyed that they are singing with those ‘common folk’?  Watch Mraz sing.  He keeps looking at Anoop and pointing up and down, telling him what to do with his voice.  Oh it is so much fun to watch.

I enjoyed Kris’ performance with Keith (big shock, I know).  Two reasons why Adam did not sing with Keith Urban:
1. Not really his type of music
2. The title of the song

Loved Allison with Cindi and Danny with Lionel. I think that was a great comparison of the two and who they will be like when they are older. I got into a debate with my friend. Of the top four, who will have the most selling albums in four years?
1. Gokey – he will fall into the Clay Aiken crowd
2. Kris – I think people will be surprised at how much you will like his music when he makes a CD
3. Allison – if she can remake some 80s songs and bring some of those back, and sing songs similar to that, she will kick tail.
4. Adam – (did I surprise anyone with this) I think people will see that he is a good singer, but it is always the same, and I think people may get bored.

Adam with Kiss seems about right.  And how about those diamond studded football pads he has on? Adam is right at home with Kiss on stage. This will be his future, and it will be a good one. Lord knows Adam has the tongue for it. I noticed that the normal AI drummer was not on the show. He was one of the only reasons I could watch Adam perform. That dude is so good and can wail on the drums.

It was also fun to see that Steve Martin finally found his special purpose.

****SIDE BAR – TRANSFORMERS IS COMING OUT JUNE 24TH. I AM MORE EXCITED THAN KARA AND PAULA WOULD BE IF ADAM SANG THEM TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT. I WANT TO INVITE ALL OF YOU TO WATCH IT WITH ME. IT WILL BE AWESOME. AND A BONUS, IF YOU WANT TO SEE A GROWN MAN CRY DURING AN ACTION MOVIE.  COME ON OUT. I AM PUTTING THE OVER/UNDER AND HOW MANY TIMES I TEAR UP AT 2 1/2. YOU MAY WANT TO TAKE THE OVER. ****

Well it is finally to that special time, who is the winner. Drum roll please ……………………..

KRIS WINS!!!! ( I can almost hear Cosell screaming, Down Goes Frazier, Down Goes Frazier…)  Adam was a good sport and Jorge was jumping around like a three year old coming in contact with Barney.

And now it’s over.  My Tuesdays and Wednesdays are freed up, which is kind of sad. I mean what do I do now? I don’t get to watch my man crush every week and can’t be fueled with material by the amazing duet of Adam and Kara. I want to thank you all for reading.  I really appreciate it. This is all in good fun and totally my opinion on things. Some are harsh, I know that. You guys are awesome for reading. Trust me, if asked to write again, I will.  All I need is a topic. Because like a good friend said to me “You have an opinion on EVERYTHING and there is a lot going on in that head of yours.  And it all needs to come out onto paper.”

6:41: (L)  Watching American Idol on a big screen is going to change my life.

6:48 – Christmas for me growing up (and even now) is one of my favorite things in the world. I wake up in the morning, get my little brother out of bed, go to the fireplace and see what Santa gave us. At the ripe old age of 29, not much has changed on Christmas morning. This morning I woke with the same feeling, except I had to wait 12 hours to find out what I got from Santa, and I actually already know what I got. Kris Allen all wrapped up ready for me to unwrap (that last phrase is said as least creepy as possible, I promise.) I only hope that I was not a bad boy this year and get Adam (sticks and coal) as my gift.

6:59 (L):  Lincee’s phone rings.  WHO IS CALLING ME AT A TIME LIKE THIS???  (her sister)

7:00 (L):  I find it odd that a singing reality show does not have a theme song.

7:00 (L):  THIS is American Idol.

7:00 – Jill, Lincee, Jill’s mom Pam, Sammy Sam Sam, and myself, is there a better way to watch American Idol. Lincee just claimed there is no AI theme song, and she could not be more wrong, when you hear that DAH DAH DAH DAH, you know what you are about to watch. Lincee is wrong and dumb. She is claiming that a song has to have someone singing. She is about as right as Kara’s Aerosmith reference last week.

7:01 (L): Ryan’s tan looks pretty in front of the blue stairs.

7:01 (L):  I can see Simon’s nipples through his shirt.

7:01 – Just realized I will not be here for the finale next week and I had to take a moment of silence.

7:02 – Moment over, and Ryan just made an 80s movie reference. The three amigos, I am going out on a limb and guessing that the three of them may not be the best of friends. I can not see them going out for coffee, or Danny and Kris joining Adam when he goes to his hair girl.

7:04 (L):  Gokey is singing Paula’s song…”Dance Little Sister.”  Never heard of it.  Starting off with a “C’mon!”  Raspy.  Looks like he’s about to throw up.  Scatting with the sax.  Paula’s cousin’s name is Terence Trent D’Arby.

7:07 (L):  Paula loves Gokey.  Go figure.  She likes his gyrations.  Kara can suck it.  This is a SINGING competition.

7:08 (L):  Gokey wants you to understand…HE JUST WANTS TO SING!

7:09 (L):  Paula just punched Simon in the left breast.

7:16 (L):  Randy and Kara want Apologize.  It’s dark and beautiful.  Just like Kris.

7:16 – I hate that Kara picked Kris’ song. Did Kara just say a dark and beautiful song. She bugs the piss out of me.

7:17 (L):  On the keys…baby GRAND!  Kyle is singing backup right now.  Close up of the fingers.  I wish he had cleaned the pinky nail a little better, but I still love him.

7:17 – I love his performance, so good. He added his weird facial expressions which are always a crowd pleaser. (If I did not like him, I would make fun of those so much, but I won’t)

7:19 (L):  Randy loves that Kris has vocal chords.  Kara thinks that he should be swinging bats and playing his guitar.  Paula talks about a bum note but she was proud.  Simon calls her out.  And then throws Kara under the bus.  Simon is stirring it up tonight!

7:21 – Thank you Simon for calling Kara out. And I love that she can not take any criticism, and she can not NOT talk, she has to always be talking. Did anyone notice that none of the judges really commented on his performance. Kara could not be anymore annoying. We all know that I love Kris, ok the cat’s out of the bag, but you have to say that was a good performance.

7:22 (L):  Ryan said Kris is humble.  Kara punctured Simon’s face with a press on nail.

7:23 (L):  ADAM IS LAST AGAIN.  HOW UNFAIR IS THIS?

7:23 – Prediction – Simon picks “Dude looks like a lady” for Adam, how fitting would that be.

7:26 – “Mini sirloin burgers” That song will be stuck in my head the rest of the night, if it is not stuck in your head, you are not a real American.

7:28 (L):  Paula is a spaz in her chair.  This is somber Adam.

7:28 – Paula throws in “We had lunch” about U2. NAME DROPPER.

7:29 (L):  Wow.  No tongue.

7:29 (L):  Annnnnd there it is.

7:29 – Is that Spock up on the stage, notice the pointy ears. We are 15 seconds into the song and he falls back on his screamy phase. Could he do a song without that. It is like Seth Rogan falling back on a dirty line in a movie because he can not think of a creative, funny line.

7:30 (L):  Judges let the audience scream back at Adam for a good two minutes.  Randy thinks the dude is in the zone and hot.  He’s keepin’ it real.  Much like his friendship bead necklace.  Kara thinks Adam is unbelievable.  I sort of do too.  Paula uses the word “one” a lot.  Simon gloats since he knows famous British people.  Bono is speed dialing as we speak.

(From Kyle)