Archive for the ‘Bachelor Recaps’ Category
I feel like someone should have issued a warning for the Bachelor in Paradise beach dwellers. No, it’s not Hurricane Carlos. You can see him coming from a mile away. It’s easy to prepare for his inevitable destruction. Just take shelter in a place where the tequila flows freely and hunker down until the worst is over.
The real danger comes in the form of a subtle threat that moves stealthily across the sand in various bikinis. She’s a fierce beauty for sure, but she’s also quiet. This is often a deadly combination. She has single-handedly created enough drama in 24-hours to last the entire season, yet somehow manipulates everyone into thinking she is the victim.
Well, everyone besides Tanner. This guy is on to you Samantha! AND SO AM I!
Samantha is wreaking havoc with every twist of a hair extension, tug of a belly ring and bat of an eyelash. She dominates so much time in this episode that I almost forgot to mention the modesty black boxes covering Tenley and Carly’s denim panty crotch shots as they pretended to do synchronized swimming routines outside of the water.
I had high hopes that this episode of Bachelor in Paradise would kick-off with JJ punching Joe in the trachea, but that didn’t happen. Instead, Tenley gives a stern, “I thought I heard shouting” message that was oddly as effective as that time my dad came upstairs for the third time in my life to encourage my sister and I to stop jumping on the bed. Tenley simply raised her eyebrow and everyone shut up. It was fascinating.
Juelia is in full mope mode, but her eyelashes remain intact with each tear. Newbie Amber is learning how to maneuver through an onslaught of crabs who have invaded your room. A). You don’t scream like a banshee when you see one and B). You just squashed Ashley’s pet. Awesome.
You know an episode of Bachelor is Paradise is going to be epic when Jorge the Bartender lands a spot in the cast roll call video and Our Host Chris Harrison reminds the audience during the opening that Joe is “paying the price for being a BLEEP.” (It’s like duck, but with different vowels.)
I settled in, fully aware that this show is careening off its rails and I have a front-row seat. This should be gooooooood.
“If you’re going to play someone, you probably shouldn’t pick the widowed mother.”
Well said Tanner. Joe and Juelia were never going to make it. Can you imagine her baby toddling around with little brass knuckles? That’s just uncouth.
I’m jumping ahead of myself. Welcome to week 3 of Bachelor in Paradise! Thank you to everyone who participated in last week’s fun social media recap. I had a ball looking through all of the comments and posts. You people are funny!
But do you know who isn’t funny at all?
WE GET IT! YOU’RE NOT INTERESTED IN JUELIA! My goodness, if I heard it once I heard it a thousand times last night. Do I feel sorry for Juelia? Absolutely. Do I think she handled herself with grace? You betcha. Is Clare annoyed that she is no longer the most tragic thing to barrel into Paradise? Of course. But there’s always time for spotlight shenanigans during the rose ceremony. You know—captive audiences and stuff.