Archive for the ‘Bachelor Recaps’ Category
Worst kept secret ever, am I right? I know some of you are nervous that Farmer Chris won’t be entertaining enough to hold our attention for eight weeks. To those of you who think that, I give you this:
We’re all in this together. On with the recap!
I’ve decided that two episodes of Bachelor In Paradise is uncalled for. Although I thought the Tuesday night debacle was definitely more dramatic than Monday, I often found myself watching my TV like this:
To repeat a comment I posted on Facebook, all these people need warm hugs.
Then I look down and am shocked to see I took 12 PAGES OF NOTES. How did that happen? Sure a good three pages include some variation of the phrase “bless her heart,” but I’ve been doing this a long time and I’ve never written so much.
Sadly, time does not permit me to write an epic recap that covers every tiny, sad, laughable, dirty detail. Therefore, I will zip through the events, only hitting the memorable moments. Enjoy!
Tuesday night begins where Monday night left off: Graham doubled over in (according to Michelle Money) anxiety over accepting AshLee’s rose which is making him physically ill. He’s sweaty, clammy and a concerning shade of green.
Medic: Put your head between your legs.
Lincee: Take your shirt off.
AshLee stands at the rose pedestal, poised with her boutonniere, ready to reclaim her stolen moment, while Michelle Money runs to play Florence Nightingale. She shuffles around in her dress, fetching Graham water, insisting that he sit down and consoling her friend.
Graham: If you care about someone, you should have been right there with me.
Lincee: Indeed. Take your shirt off, man.
In all honesty, I agree. AshLee never once thought about checking on her man and she didn’t even ask if he was okay when he accepted her rose. Michelle Money and I were not happy.
Suddenly Lacy begins to sway back and forth. She hops off the rose receiving stair step and begins running through the tree house to the nearest bathroom, announcing to everyone in her way that she has to throw up. For some reason, the camera follows her. It was like The Blair Witch Project, but with puke. We find her clutching a toilet. Someone has unzipped her dress and we see the price tag flopping around. It looks like Lucy’s going to be wearing that sequin gown everywhere but the grocery store.
Her knight in shining cargo pants appears, insisting she go to the hospital. According to Marcus, seeing Lacy that ill terrified him. He told her not to open her mouth in the shower!
Marcus: I was scared the worst would happen.
Finally we learn the real reason behind the footage of the ambulance we’ve seen on all the promos. No, Clare did not scratch AshLee’s eyes out. Lacy is admitted with severe abdominal inflammation and the only thing that makes her feel better is Marcus literally crawling into the hospital bed with her. It was actually very sweet.
Back at the ceremony, Michelle gives her rose to Cody, Sarah to Robert and Jackie disappoints me by handing hers to Jesse the Jack Wagon. Kalon shouts a quick, “Peace out!” and heads to the resort for some room service. Marquel sighs in the rejection limo, wondering if he will ever find love.
The next day, Blond Christy from Juan Pablo’s season shows up and Zack can barely contain his excitement. Of course he’s been with Clare now for seven days, so he knows how to channel that into words of affirmation for his other half.
Christy picks Zack for her date. Zack tells her he is “figuring things out” with Clare. He later tells Clare that he turned the date down. Clare translated this as, “I want to propose in a day, get married in two and have babies in three.”
Sarah introduces Christy to Jesse. She invites him on the date. They follow the cartoon map to a tiny town. Instead of exploring, they find a cantina and belly up.
Christy: We roamed around, ate chocolate and then finally found all of the tequila. And the other booze that’s known here.
Christy knows that Jesse just went out on a date with Jackie. She tests the waters, asking if he feels…
Jesse: Guilt? No. I’m not weirded out by it. So what’s your status?
Christy: Typical d-bags that cheat.
Jesse: How did you find out?
Christy: Bra in his bed.
Jesse: Ha! [pretending to be the d-bag] “That’s not mine!”
Christy: Sounds like you have experience. Have you done that before?
Jesse: No. I just thought about what a d-bag would say. Let’s make out.
Sarah gets the next date card and invites Robert. He hugs her like a favorite cousin. She all but yanks down a literal green light from a four-way-stop, giving him all the signs that she is ready for his tongue to be in her mouth. He hems and haws. She straddles him in the pool and sticks her face directly in his. What would Gale do? It must have been the glow of the repurposed lanterns strewn about. Robert saw Sarah in a different light. Or he’s a typical horn dog. Could be both. They make out.
Back at the tree house, Cody is bench pressing Michelle, giving her a pedicure and generally acting a fool. He’s all in and wants Michelle to know. He’s talking about falling in love and she’s talking about how his quads are the size of tree trunks. I’m not sure who is putting eggs in baskets, but I definitely know they are not on the same page.
Zack and Clare are out by the bonfire on the beach. The conversation started with a simple, “I hope Christy doesn’t feel weird knowing you and I are coupled up.” Zack tells her that Christy is fine.
Zack: I’m physically attracted to you. It’s like UH you know what I mean?
I’m trying to be honest with you. Trying to figure out if a relationship for us is the right thing to do. I definitely want a relationship, but are we a fit for each other? I think you have qualities I look for in a girl, but it got very intense quickly and I wasn’t prepared.
Clare: Either you’re in or you’re out. Decide.
Lincee: Yeah. It’s been SEVEN DAYS dude.
Zack stares back. Clare leaves to cry in the bathroom. Michelle Money to the rescue! Oh wait. Just kidding. Clare is traipsing through the jungle! There’s her raccoon friend!
Clare melts down saying that she can’t handle the stress. She’s having a panic attack because she’s on national television looking like an idiot. AGAIN.
Clare: I’m leaving. This isn’t paradise. It’s torture.
Clare wakes Zack up from a dead sleep, forcing him to have a serious talk in the middle of the night. She thinks it’s best that she goes home. Zack pats her on the back and says nothing. I’m quite confident she expected a heartfelt, “Don’t go!” but he just carried her bags to the confession room.
Clare cries a few invisible tears, blows her knows and sits down to give her last thoughts on all things BIP.
Graham hugs it out. Michelle tries to fix Clare’s disheveled hair. Zack carries Clare’s bags to the rejection coche and that is that. So long Clare Bear. We will miss your signature brand of crazy.
The producers were on this though. What do you do when one crazy chooses to leave the island? You send in the Free Spirit. The Free Spirit who is totally naked within 10 minutes of arriving. She and her boobs invite Jesse out on a date.
This sends Christy into a tailspin. Free Spirit is like her best friend on the island. Why would she pick the one guy she wants to make out with to go on a date with her?
Oh look! More ruins!
Jesse: I’ve been on three dates with three awesome chicks. I can’t wait for this one to take her top off again.
Free Spirit lays it on thick with shots of booze from around here, conversations of nakedness and hand holding with interlocking fingers. There was a glimmer of hope when she spoke Spanish to the bartender. Take that skill and run with it girl! Live up to your potential!
Michelle gets the next date card and asks Cody to join her. Naturally, since Michelle thinks this is going to fast, her date consists of a photo shoot — both engagement and wedding pictures. It was the oddest thing I’ve ever witnessed, and that includes Michelle walking on the beach in fringe boots. Michelle legitimately felt weird the entire time Cody kissed her neck and talked about these pictures one day hanging in their family living room. We can only assume that Michelle ended up in the ocean wearing her fake wedding gown because she was trying to escape the moment and the rather large tangerine-colored fake fiancée.
The date cards were flowing last night. AshLee gets one and Graham is excited to learn that they are going to race cars around a track. He endeared himself to me when he called AshLee Ricky Bobby. She had no clue what he was talking about. Another mark in the negative column I’m afraid.
Christy is feeling awkward that she has to sit around the tree house with all the couples.
Christy: It’s unbelievably awkward. Everyone is paired up. There’s so much booze and no one’s drinking it. That makes me so mad.
Meanwhile, Marcus finally tells Lucy he loves her. It’s about time!
Free Spirit and Jesse return from their date. They gather up a bunch of booze from around here and take it down to the beach. Christy is miserable and the couple wish the drunks would shut up already.
Jesse: I like Christy and What’s Her Nuts. But it is awkward. The girl I just went out on the date yesterday and the day before are right there.
Lincee: I will give you a million bucks if you tell me the name of the redhead.
Christy is humiliated and retreats to her bed to cry. CAN SOMEONE GET MICHELLE PLEASE? She summons the courage to face Jesse directly and somehow ends up making out with him on a couch while Free Spirit spies from above. They end up in bed together. We know this thanks to a night camera hidden in the bedroom.
Stay classy Bachelor in Paradise!
Our Host Chris Harrison shows up looking a wee bit bombed. He reminds everyone that one girl already left heartbroken this week. Suck it Zack. He tells them that their hearts are on the line and they should proceed with caution. And booze from this place. Cheers!
Zack and Jackie form an alliance.
Free Spirit decides that if she and Christy like the same dude, she and Christy shouldn’t be friends anymore. Girl power! She tries to sabotage Christy and Jesse’s relationship. Christy fights her way back and tells Jesse that she is here for him and only him. He is soooo into her. And What’s Her Nuts. Darn! Decisions, decisions. What’s a D-Bag to do?
It’s rose ceremony time. The true couples are totally phoning it in when it comes to wardrobe. Lacy only put on one layer of makeup. She looked fabulous. Graham tried to fancy his outfit up with a bow tie. Marcus and Robert could have come straight from working out. But the rest were nipped, tucked, plucked and ready to go.
Robert gives Sarah his rose. She gives him a peck.
AshLee gives Graham her rose. He hugs her.
Cody gives Michelle his rose. She forces a smile.
Zack gives Jackie his rose. She high fives him.
Marcus gives Lacy his rose. He gives a speech about true love and they kiss for way too long. Harrison gives a nod of approval. The girls and Cody start crying. The boys and What’s Her Nuts roll their eyes.
And Jesse gives his rose to Christy. What’s Her Nuts is going to have to go topless on some other beach. Adios amiga!
During the closing credits, Michelle Money and Cody play that game where you throw tiny bean bags in a hole. The first to 21 has to kiss Marcus’ nipple. I wonder if Michelle got a hair in her mouth?
I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. I’d watch Michelle Money commentate all day long. Harrison needs a sidekick and it needs to be her. Am I right?
All about the shame, not the fame,
I have thoughts.
- There is an intense lack of Our Host Chris Harrison in this ridiculous show.
- How does it end? When the booze runs out? When there aren’t any more previous mansion dwellers from which to choose? Will Harrison roll up in a perfectly fitted linen suit, clink a champagne glass and shout, “THE TIME SHARE IS UP! GET OUT!”
- Is there a winner? Obviously they aren’t playing for money, so why does Jesse Kovacs keep talking about this being a competition? Will Uncle Neil come out to the island and let Marcus pick out a ring for Lacy? Will there be a Home Depot proposal area just in case someone feels like popping the question before they head home?
- Michelle Money needs to be on every Bachelor franchise show. She is comedy gold and deserves major kudos for her one-liners. Can you imagine sitting through 120 minutes without her commentary? We’d all be stuck watching Clare hold her basket so Zack could put eggs in it and AshLee complaining about hidden cameras. No thank you.
- Speaking of Clare’s basket, how many of Zack’s eggs will that thing hold?
- The man necklaces have reached a new level of special.
- Do they really need all those lanterns to walk from one treehouse to the other?
- Is it necessary to begin every conversation with, “Can I be completely honest?” Does that mean everything else you say is a lie? Or a half truth since you are just now being completely honest?
- I missed the Emmy’s for this?
- THERE’S ANOTHER ONE TOMORROW?!
Take a moment to digest that last sentence.
I Like You — Ben Rector
Lacy and Marcus are in ooey gooey love, but they haven’t told each other yet, because, you know, it’s been like six days. The smart thing to do is give the relationship at least a season of a week before you say the “L” word. Marcus accidentally lets it slip, saying that he
loves likes this very long list of attributes and Lacy is ecstatic. He tells her he is smitten and she almost asks him what that means, but decides to stick her tongue down his throat instead. Everything comes natural to these two kids. I wish them well. And I wish Lacy would take one or two layers of makeup off.
Sailing — Christopher Cross
Robert receives a one-on-one date card and asks Sarah to go sailing with him. I can’t tell if he really likes her or if he’s just playing the game to stay on the island. She is definitely digging his chili. And I know what you’re thinking, and the answer is yes. They did have an “I’M THE KING OF THE WORLD!” moment right before Sarah claimed she was in “Saradise.” Someone help me.
Me, Myself and I — Beyonce
Kalon arrives on the island wearing jeans and tennis shoes. Mistake number one. He is greeted with looks of disgust. Michelle calls him a jackhole. (It was bleeped, but I’m pretty sure that’s what she said.) Just as Michelle leans over to remind Marquel that Kalon was the one who called Emily’s daughter baggage, he plops himself down by Michelle and asks her out on a date. Michelle accepts through gritted teeth, fully aware that she just agreed to go out with said jackhole, but changes her mind the next day. She tells him that she has a daughter and was very offended by what he did to Emily. She doesn’t want to spend the whole day with someone she doesn’t respect.
This does not effect the luxury consultant in the slightest. He wanders down to the deck where Jackie and Sarah are laying out. He asks Jackie to join him on his date, to which Jackie responds, “I don’t think a date would be beneficial. Thanks though.”
I cheer. Kalon leaves. Jackie tells Sarah that she will be right back and Sarah begs her not to leave because Kalon will just turn around and ask her out. I cheer again. Jackie leaves Sarah anyway and sure enough, Kalon meanders back down and asks Sarah if she wants to go spelunking. Sarah tells him that she likes Robert and he is dismissed.
So Kalon once again makes Bachelor history and goes on the franchise’s first one-on-none date. That’s right, he dates himself. After three seasons, he’s finally going out with someone he likes. He toasted himself, had a wonderful conversation with himself and he got lucky with himself. It was as painful to watch as it is to type. It was the dumbest thing ever and I fast forwarded through most of it. But since I’m a loyal recapper, I will leave you with this animated GIF. Be warned: YOU CAN NOT UN-SEE THIS! Proceed with caution.
— Bachelor in Paradise (@BachParadise) August 26, 2014
The Cave – Mumford & Sons
Jesse Kovacs saunters onto the island as if he owns the joint. He peels out of his navy linen shirt, flashes the date card and chooses Jackie to join him on a date. She accepts and Marquel pulls up his hoodie to cover his head in defiance.
Jackie wears the tightest red dress, which surprises Jesse for some reason. I’m not sure why because he is a regular on this show. Just look at his Ames pants for crying out loud! This ain’t his first rodeo. He takes her into this somber cave full of bats. Nothing says romance like stalactites and stilettos! Jesse tells the camera that if he wants something, he goes after it. Unfortunately, he means a free vacation in Mexico instead of the knockout redhead across the table.
He schmoozes her with compliments using buzz words like “vibe” and “in the moment.” Jackie stares back with a blank face. Jesse finds her reserve annoying.
Lacy: Are you strategizing to get a rose?
Jesse: I was going to hand the card off so I could get to know the others better, but then I thought I should take this super attractive girl out! I’m not good at faking things.
Cue swelling music.
Cue my friend Emily: Surely there’s not a private concert in the cave.
Cue me: No. That’s just backgrou…OH MY GOODNESS THERE IS A PRIVATE CONCERT IN THE CAVE!
There was a stage and everything! (Andrew Ripp is actually pretty good. You should check him out.)
Jesse and Jackie dance in circles. I was afraid we were going to see another private show — the bottom curves of Jackie’s butt cheeks. But that didn’t happen. And they weren’t attacked by bats either. We are all winners!
Jesse admits to the camera that he’s using Jackie to get a rose. My hope is that Jackie sees it from a mile away.
You’re the One That I Want — Grease
When Cody is dropped on the island, he runs into the open arms of Marcus and then literally picks Marquel up out of sheer joy. He meets everyone in the circle, pulls out the date card and asks Clare if she would like to join him. She pulls him aside to let him know that she checked “yes” when Zack passed her a note the day he arrived. Cody scoffs. It’s been six days! She needs to give him a chance!
This tickles Clare, so she runs over to Zack to brag. He gives her an out. If she wants to go, she should go.
Clare: If the situation were reversed, what would you do?
Zack: Depends on the girl. And the scenario.
Clare gives him a look like this:
She becomes ice cold and there’s a lot of talk about hesitation, being on the same page and putting all the eggs in one basket. She wants a man who knows what he wants! She wants a man who is there for her and nobody else! Cody’s declaration isn’t looking so bad now!
As it turns out, Clare still picks Zack, even after Cody tells her she’s way better looking in real life than on TV. Somebody call Hallmark! That has greeting card written all over it.
Cody ends up giving his date to Marcus and Lacy. Out of love and respect, bro. Peace out.
Hard To Say I’m Sorry — Chicago
Zack pulls Clare away to have a private discussion with her and the cameras on a Mexican blanket. He tells her that his eggs are totally in her basket and they are on the same page. He wants to give this a shot. Clare makes him beg a few minutes more before making out and forgiving him for being concerned that she is a bit on the controlling side. And by bit I mean she would not only wear the pants in that family, but the entire three-piece suit.
I’ll Be Seeing You — Billie Holiday
AshLee puts on her white Pocahontas bikini, sits in a hammock with Zack and proceeds to tell him that he’s pretty much an idiot for aligning himself with Clare. She tells him that Clare is crazy, not to mention the fact that she did some naughty things with Juan Pablo in the ocean. Then she casually questions why no cameras are currently filming them. Have they not seen her fringe swimwear and long eyelashes this morning?
Zack calmly points out a hidden camera posing as a lamp to the left and Pocahontas turns as white as her bikini. She begins to do major damage control and everyone can tell that she is back pedaling.
Zack: She’s freaking out about the hidden camera.
Michelle: You can’t hide from the cameras.
Lacy: AshLee has a guilty conshush.
Lincee: I’m 80/40 that’s an actual word.
AshLee tells Lacy a modified version of what she told Zack. Lacy of course tells Clare and Clare lets her freak flag fly! Everyone begins to whisper and I silently thank ABC for subtitles. Or I rolled my eyes. I’ll never tell. But I bet you can guess. All you need to know is that Clare steals knives from the butcher block and Graham teaches young Robert that when women get “that look” in their eyes, it’s best to stay away.
The more you know.
Clare lets off a little steam to Zack, who blows it right back in her face. He does not want the drama and didn’t come to the island to watch girls fight. Clare is outraged!
Cat Scratch Fever – Ted Nugent
If looks could kill, AshLee would be six feet under. The claws are coming out and Clare is mentally daring AshLee to cross her. AshLee summons the courage to ask Clare to take a walk. Instead of a beach, picture this exchange in a junior high hallway:
Ash: I can tell something is wrong, and I’m not sure what I did.
Clare: You’re not? Really?
Ash: If I hurt your feelings, I want to make it right. You’re my friend.
Clare: You are not my friend. You threw me under the bus.
When AshLee asked to hug it out, Clare passed. This hurt AshLee’s feelings more than the comment about her character. Run Graham. RUN.
Give Me Love – Ed Sheeran
Michelle Money complained about no one liking her the entire episode. It wasn’t until Cody gave her a neck/back/arm/hand massage that she starting thinking differently. She even sat through Cody’s speech before the rose ceremony, listening to him tell her that he no longer liked Clare. He wants to give it a go with her! Since they both need someone to give their roses to, they playfully flirt back and forth and wait patiently until the next castaways arrive.
Suspicious Minds – Elvis Presley
Michelle Money’s temporary happiness is put on pause when she notices Graham looking super uncomfortable. She is not buying what AshLee is selling and clearly Graham is feeling the weight of this reality as well. Michelle does not want him to accept AshLee’s rose. She mentions the big rift between Clare and AshLee and Graham has no clue what she’s talking about. (Remember how he avoided that business like the plague?) Money fills him in. He responds, “Can I get a Vodka soda please?”
We are unsure if Graham is using the alcohol as liquid courage or a catalyst to forget the night, but the fact that AshLee is one person in front of the cameras and another person when they are somewhere else obviously concerns Graham. He is unclear of AshLee’s intentions. I personally think this is a perfect opportunity for him to cut the cord. She will be devastated and Graham will feel bad, but it will be for the greater good.
Harrison waltzes in, clinks his glass and points to the roses on the table. He barely even gets lines on the show anymore. Doesn’t ABC know why we watch this trashy show? MORE HARRISON!
Lacy gives her rose to Marcus. That was a no brainer. Zack put his egg in Clare’s basket. Equally predicted. AshLee is called to the podium. She sweeps her long hair to the side, picks up her boutonniere and asks Graham to accept her rose.
He stands there. And stands there. Wipes the sweat from his brow and stands there some more. Then he leaves the rose ceremony taping area, walking through about 10 behind-the-scene people. Is he going to throw up? Is he about to pass out? Is he trying to disapparate using a stick he found on the beach? Why is Michelle Money racing after him instead of his six-day-old girlfriend?
Then the words TO BE CONTINUED flash across the screen and we check our DVRs to make sure they are set to record tomorrow. Another two hours! Yay!
Enjoy this week’s playlist! The Ed Sheeran song is one of my favs!
I know what you’re thinking. You settled in last night to fry some brain cells because it had been a long day. And instead of Bachelor in Paradise, you were served a rather large helping of Michelle Money in Paradise with a generous side order of Chris’s knee hurts.
Remember my golden rule for watching this show dear reader. Look for the silver linings!
Lincee’s Episode 3 Bachelor in Paradise Playlist — Only the Strong Survive
And I Love Her — Harry Connick, Jr.
In a nutshell, Marcus and Lacy have a real relationship that is based on a firm foundation of attraction for each other, embarrassment for their fellow tree dwellers and a love of waterproof/chlorineproof/oceanproof necklaces. That’s the main reason he gave Lacy his rose.
Lacy – The Time of My Life — Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes
Lacy feels like she’s known Marcus her entire life. Everyone knows when you are that close to someone, the natural next step is to try and recreate the Dirty Dancing lift.
Not quite. Marcus needs to work on the move. Here’s a link to a training video.
I love finding an excuse to put that clip in recaps.
Okay, okay. Here’s the real thing. Watch and learn people. Watch and learn.
You Can’t Hurry Love — The Supremes
In one of the more entertaining montages of the evening, one camera follows Graham walking along the beach with Michelle Money, admitting AshLee’s tentacles are beginning to choke him. Then another camera features AshLee announcing her colors will be blush and bashful.
Graham: One day she just set the precedent that she’s with me. That’s very humbling and awesome, but also not really.
AshLee: I don’t want to waste anyone else’s time since I only like Graham.
Graham: I’m stressed.
AshLee: I’m sure that we will make it.
Graham: She even talked about me meeting her dad!
AshLee: My dad would be so proud of me that I picked Graham.
Graham: Yeah. She’s way ahead of me.
AshLee: Do you like my doily shorts?
AshLee finds a date card on her pillow. She runs to tell Graham the good news.
AshLee: This is why I came here. I have a connection with him. This is perfect. I can totally imagine myself living with him.
Graham: I know AshLee has feelings for me. There are issues we need to go over.
Lincee: Make sure to add “keep a close eye on my bunny” to that ever-growing list.
Wiggle It — 2 in a Room
At dinner, AshLee reminds Graham (in case he forgot) that she only came to Paradise because of him and her heart was set on the fact that she wanted a connection with him and only him. Graham wisely says, “But we’d never met before,” to which she replies, “I follow you on Instagram.”
Yep. That’s the same thing.
Graham decides that it’s safer for AshLee to just let her freak flag fly.
Graham: Outside of your breakdown [Clare asking him out] it’s been smooth sailing!
Graham tells her that he just wants to have a great time without any pressure and no “forever” talk. AshLee admits that they’ve been taking it slow long enough and now it’s time for the next step.
Enter forego night date card. This should be fun.
Graham says that it’s inappropriate to stay the night together, but he’s happy to stay up late and dance in the street. That’s when this happened:
— Bachelor in Paradise (@BachParadise) August 19, 2014
No matter how hard I yelled and screamed in protest at the television, the scene kept unfolding before my eyes. AshLee wiggled her way into Graham’s arms and squished her lips against his as she writhed. She and Elise are a strange breed of woman that should be studied.
Graham admits that AshLee is not playing around and that all she has to do is move six inches to the left and six inches to the right to garner any and everyone’s attention. It looks like he kisses her back. They still go their separate ways at the end of the night. And I’d be willing to bet that this all ends with a panic attack and breathing into a paper bag in the back of an ambulance next week. And Graham is going to feel awful that he led her on since he gave her his rose at the ceremony.
Zack – Macho Man
The more Zack hangs around in the background, waiting for gentlemanly moments, the more I like him. He’s the one who always helped Chris up stairs and on the beach when he couldn’t walk. And he did a great job consoling Clare who was mourning the 10-year-anniversary of her father’s death. He seems to genuinely like Clare, so he gives her his rose.
The Sign — Ace of Base
What is the deal with this cast’s fascination with turtles? While Clare is praising Zack for being gentle, compassionate, strong, loving and genuine, she spies a huge turtle at the edge of the water laying eggs. She sees this as a sign from her father. A sign of new life! They aren’t in Paradise to hand out friendship roses. They are here to make babies. Obviously.
Later she arranges for a double date with Michelle Money and Robert. No, no. That’s not a typo. I meant to write Robert. You see, two minutes into the show, Michelle Money announces she is sexually attracted to Marquel. Then Danielle shows up and her emotions switch to “super I don’t know.”
Hmmm. I think Elise and AshLee have a pill for that. Clearly they are confident in what they know. Perhaps you can trade a date night hair style for one?
Clare thinks the best way for Michelle to get over Marquel (he’s so yesterday) is to go after Robert. He totally has a swing rose and who cares if Sarah is interested in him? If Michelle is super honest with Sarah, she can’t get mad about the double date. Read the signs! Robert is Michelle Money’s type.
Heads Carolina, Tails California — Jo Dee Messina
Too bad Michelle Money is not Robert’s type. The person you give your rose to is the person who remembers you told them a story about how you brought five blue shirts and had to borrow a sweet corral one from Graham. And that person is Sarah.
The Sweetest Thing — Juice Newton
Each season, there’s always a nice girl who just doesn’t belong in the cesspool. They never can understand why the boys don’t like them. They are constantly questioning their confidence and are often found alone and crying. I’m glad Robert gave her his rose and I have no doubt that he just wants to be friends.
Almost Paradise — Mike Reno
Danielle is the psychiatric nurse from Juan Pablo’s season. When she arrives in Paradise with a date card, she asks who is already partnered up? Michelle Money creates a new rule out of thin air: you must go with your gut without knowing any information about anyone. Pick the one you’re attracted to!
Immediately Clare flings her head onto Zack’s shoulder. Lacy was already sitting in Marcus‘ lap, plus they were holding hands speaking their secret language, so she knew that was out. AshLee’s eyelashes were replaced by daggers and a mental dare, scary enough to make Danielle think twice. And Graham was across the room!
She chooses Marquel. They explore nearby Campeche, pick flowers, moonwalk off the beaten path, strip down in a courtyard, swim, ask questions and almost get struck by lightning. All in all, it was a solid date and Danielle feels confident she will get Marcus’ rose.
Red Headed Stranger — Willie Nelson
Marquel and Danielle arrive back at the treehouse and everyone is contractually obligated to have a party out on the beach so the new contestant’s dramatic entrance can actually be considered dramatic. I thought walking through the sand in wedges was dramatic enough, but what do I know? Will she fall? Is she going down?
It’s Jackie from Sean’s season. Everyone thinks she’s beautiful and then immediately hate her for the date card she holds in her hand. The same rules apply. She must pick based on first impressions alone. And she picks Marquel.
This Kiss — Faith Hill
Marquel and Jackie explore the ruins that Robert and Clare explored on episode one. It was the exact same date, minus the ants. Marquel feels a spark with Jackie that he can’t explain, so he breaks his rule of never kissing on the first date. He tells her about the rule, explaining that he doesn’t typically do this and if she wants she can participate or she can back away, it’s totally up to her and now he’s going to go in for the kill and is she ready? It was the longest prologue to a kiss.
Marquel gives his rose to Jackie and Danielle is sent home packing a mere 24-hours after arriving. To quote the medical professional, “It wasn’t Paradise. It was Marq-hell.”
This is what it has come to people.
One Way or Another — Blondie
Elise lives in a strange world full of dream boards that encourage her to visualize her future. The problem is that her dream board is very fluid and she can go from visualizing her life with Dylan one day, and visualizing her life with Chris the very next. This concerns exactly everyone living in the treehouse. She politely thanks them for their concern and then rushes off to get ready for her overnight date with Chris who is “ready to get down and dirty” because “Elise has a bangin’ body.”
When the forego card arrives, Elise tucks it in her bosom to keep safe. She wants to put it on her dream board because their names look soooooo good together. Chris wants to skip through the boring stuff because “he’s so horny.” Elise attempts to dip a toe in the non-bubbling hot tub as I wondered if her emerald green sequin bikini would discolor in the water. Also, isn’t it itchy?
Elise: I came here to find a boyfriend. And a husband.
Lincee: And now you have herpes! Victory!
Walk This Way — Aerosmith
Chris somehow torn some meniscus in his knee while in the ocean. He tells us every chance he gets that he’s in a lot of pain. As someone who tore their ACL in Cuba (salsa dancing of course), in a country where there isn’t any ice, plus a five hour plane ride back to Houston, I sort of get why he’s complaining.
To which I reply, “Suck it up.”
He sucks it up long enough to forego card with the bangin’ body and then he heads to the hospital. Elise proudly wheels him out in a wheelchair, teetering in her four-inch heels and Zack carries him to his bunk bed. Elise is a caretaker and can’t wait to fetch ice for him all day long. Then she’s going to fetch a 2×4 and a sledge hammer!
Elise: This such good training. We might be in the hospital together some day.
Chris is the last to hand out rose at the ceremony and no one is surprised when he calls Elise’s name. He tells her that he can’t give her the rose, because he’s leaving (due to an injury–you may not have been aware that he hurt his knee?) and he wants her to go with him.
She responds with the enthusiasm of a girl who just received an engagement ring instead of a girl who has been in a three-day relationship with a notorious franchise villain. Everyone pities her behind her back. Then Chris whips up some tears and gives his rose to the one person who deserves true love. Michelle Money.
Roar — Katy Perry
Michelle Money has the eye of the tiger. She’s a fighter. She’s dancing through the fire. She is a champion, and you’re going to hear her roar.
I think her rose deserves a slow motion celebration.
I hope you enjoy this week’s playlist!
Brutal and sad. These are the two terms that kept racing through my mind as I sat motionless watching this tremendous waste of time. My notes aren’t that much better. When the entire page consists of the words putz, REENACTMENT, hot Harrison, short denim overalls, oiled up, long lost Hemsworth brother, sponsored man necklaces and about a million bless her hearts, the recap doesn’t look very promising.
It’s times like these that you throw a Hail Mary pass and just hope for the best.
Lincee’s Episode 2 Bachelor in Paradise Playlist – The Rejection of YOPO
Free Fallin’ — Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
The first five minutes of the show was by far the most entertaining part of the entire night. Our Host Chris Harrison takes us on a journey that ends in tragedy. A hilarious, random, YOPO tragedy. Crazy Michelle chose to leave the show last week because she was hooking up with a crew member with whom she shared an adjoining room at the hotel. There were several reasons why Michelle fell for this guy, two of which were “he got me floss” and “he hand picked flowers for me.”
You shouldn’t neglect your gums people.
Harrison was sent to talk to Michelle about this infraction and she slammed the door in his face.
Harrison sighs, knocks again and tries to talk to Michelle a second time. She yells at him. He rolls his eyes. Then she lets a producer in, who obviously is wearing a microphone, and she gets cocky when the producer tells her she is contractually obligated to talk to Harrison.
Michelle: “He’s just the host.”
Messy Bun Lauren, who is labeled a “cast handler” is then interviewed. She and a blurry man (ten bucks it’s the ABC Intern) actually reenact the next moment as if we are all watching Unsolved Mysteries.
Lauren knocked on Michelle’s door because she and the ABC Psychotherapist are in charge of the rejects. Michelle answered the door wearing only a towel. Lauren asked who was in the room with her and Michelle freaked. Lauren went down stairs to presumably tattle when she heard a thump fall from above.
That thump was production guy Ryan Putz (P-U-T-Z), who unwisely estimated the gap between the balcony and the ground at about six feet. Turns out, it was 25 feet.
I like to call this the Transcendent Mesnick. They are rare, but clearly exist.
Purz was rushed to the hospital with two broken ankles. Lauren laughed the entire time she was telling the story. She’s my new favorite person on this show.
I Only Have Eye(Lashes) For You — The Flamingos
Even though AshLee’s eyelashes grew 12 inches over night, we didn’t hear much from her this week. Never fear. Her freak flag flies next Monday when she presents Graham with the wedding scrapbook she’s been working on for the last 15 years.
Hot in Here — Nelly
I love how the franchise has made Graham the official greeter when new folks arrive on the island. He’s also the official commentator. “Graham, can you give us a quick rundown of what’s going on?”
I’ll tell you what’s going on. Graham is securing his rose from AshLee because he’s just so darling.
Hold My Hand — Hootie and the Blowfish
Marcus has taken to holding Lacy’s hand at all times. And when Robert is within a five-mile radius, he insists on kissing her while holding hands. Robert is not taking it well and neither am I.
Can’t Help Falling in Love — Elvis Presley
Lacy doesn’t even remember who Robert is and is completely smitten with her hairy chested lover. So she gives him her rose.
Someday My Prince Will Come — Snow White
Clare is not feeling a connection with anyone on the island. Just when she’s about to give up all hope, Villain Chris saunters into the treehouse unannounced as always. Even though every person warns her that Chris is a womanizer, she lets him lube her up with oil during a couples massage so she can decide for herself if he’s a d-bag. She starts to consider falling for the jack wagon when she spies him humping Elise in the ocean two hours later. She wanders off to vent to find her raccoon friend.
Whatta Man — En Vogue
Suddenly Zack (who?) appears and Clare is back in the game! He asks her out on the date and she is super excited because she’s half Mexican. Ay, caramba! They talk about their pheromones (oh dear), she wears a statement necklace in the water (please) and then she said she felt a connection with Zack when she had her legs wrapped around him in the ocean. Then she winked and laughed in case you were too bored to catch that obvious innuendo. That connection landed Zack Clare’s rose. (That’s not a sexual innuendo by the way, just so we’re clear.)
Drink On It — Blake Shelton
Marquel told Michelle Money that he thought she drank too much. Considering he appears to be passed out most of the time, I thought that was a bold statement. Especially since the entire premise of the show is built on a foundation of tequila shots, whiskey sours and Corona chasers. Marquel is funny.
Gypsies Tramps and Thieves — Cher
Not as funny as Michelle’s chain headdress, but close. I’m not sure why she was in the hot tub fully clothed either, but I’m just going to go with it. Double M is by far my favorite character on this show and I hope they dedicate a rose pedestal or hot tub in her honor when the L.A. mansion becomes a museum one day. I wonder if Marquel kept the rose she gave him because she is and will always be Bachelor royalty.
Live Your Life — T.I. featuring Rihanna
When Elise starts talking about Pices’ propensity to love Scorpions until the day they die, Dylan decides it’s time to cut the umbilical cord. He tells Elise that she should get to know other people. She loves this idea because it’s means they are super connected.
Dylan: She’s smothering me.
Elise: I’ve never felt more in love.
Dylan: If you wanted to go on another date with someone, it wouldn’t bother me.
Elise: He’s scared of how real this is getting so fast.
Dylan: You should meet other people. Go. Meet. Now.
Elise: He’s pushing me away so I can come back to him. That’s sweet.
You’re Still the One — Shania Twain
After yelling at Elise for that entire exchange, I’m reluctant to watch what happens next. She puts on her tiniest bikini which is like chum to Villain Chris. He follows her out into the ocean where they make out for all the world to witness.
The next day, Michelle asks Elise if Chris would be someone she would pursue if Dylan wasn’t in the picture.
Elise: It doesn’t matter. I love Dylan. I’m going to tell him I kissed someone. It will be a hard conversation, but it needs to happen so we can go ahead and get beyond this bump in the road.
Dylan is not pleased that Elise kissed someone else, even though he technically told her to get out there and experience the treehouse dwellers. He uses this as an excuse to break up with her. Only she doesn’t know that they broke up. She thinks the best way to handle the current drama is to visualize things working out.
Dylan: Do not offer me your rose.
Elise: What are you saying?
Dylan: I will not accept your rose.
Dylan: We are friends. I don’t want your rose.
Elise: Just be honest.
The look on Dylan’s face was priceless when Elise, of course, offered him her rose.
Bad Medicine — Bon Jovi
It’s a good thing Villain Chris was determined to sabotage the Dylan/Elise romance, even though he had no idea that there technically wasn’t an actual romance to sabotage. When Elise’s rose was rejected by Dylan, she recited a long, rambling, confusing speech about how “life brings you a lot of things in ups and downs.” Then she lovingly offered her rose to Villain Chris.
Swingin’ — John Anderson
Sarah was surprised when Dylan received a date card and asked her instead of Elise. Elise, of course, found this entirely charming for some reason and was thrilled that he picked her best friend to take on his date. Dylan was as nice as he could be, praising Sarah for being so sweet and kind. He really wants to get to know her better. I fist pumped the air when Sarah, knowing she had the swing vote, chose to give her rose to Robert instead of Dylan.
Lucky — Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat
Robert barely made it this week and even stooped to sniffing around Michelle Money to try and get her on Team Gale. I will continue to think of him as Liam Hemsworth as he lives to see another week. Turns out the odds were in his favor.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Theme Song
Ben is a jack hole. That’s all there is to it. Marcus “found” a love note in Ben’s Ninja Turtle backpack and showed it to Marquel. The boys confronted Ben about this note and he admitted that he met a girl three weeks before the show started. Clare eavesdropped on the conversation and then reported to the rest of the group. They stampede the treehouse shouting, “NOT HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS!” and carrying pitchforks. Michelle Money sobbed that she left her nine-year-old daughter to find love! WHY WAS HE HEEEEEEEEERRRRRREEEE?
He decided that moment that it was time to leave and officially said goodbye to Hollywood.
I decided that moment to turn off the television to read a little Shakespeare in order to build back a few of my brain cells I lost in those two hours.
I think we both made wise decisions.
Enjoy this week’s playlist!
All about the fame, not the shame,