Archive for the ‘Bachelor Recaps’ Category
There were tears. There was an overwhelming sense of ickyness. There was an impeccable host in a pink shirt. And at the end of the day, there was the bachelorette standing next to a man near a swimming pool with royal blue water.
Kaitlyn made her choice. Skinny jeans are not in her future.
As he always does, Gosling got the girl. The girl got the wraparound porch with blue shutters and a room out back where she can paint. And Nick was left with a commemorative silver metal and a soapbox he could use to defend his actions while his adolescent sister watched crying in the corner.
Quite honestly, I would feel good about ending the recap here, but I know you are craving more than an obligatory opening paragraph exploiting the franchise’s most dramatic season in the history of ever. Because you are the best readers, I will raise a glass and use its contents to help me cobble together some sort of recap that enthralls and entertains you.
This looks like a bachelorette who has a very tough decision ahead of her. Should she go for the adventurous life in which her days will be filled with shopping for skinny jeans and rambunctious romps against church archways? Or should she choose a more private life full of row boats, wood shavings in the barn and frequent one-sided conversations about someone’s control issues?
It’s time to vote!
Everyone knows that The Bachelorette Men Tell All episode is notoriously boring. Quite honestly, ninety percent of the show could easily be watered down into a tidy 20-minute segment. Of course Mike Fleiss would rather saw off an appendage before he let that happen, so it’s up to me to filter through all of the trips down Memory Lane and omit the superfluous outbursts from that random guy on the back row.
Because I know that your time is extremely valuable, I have compiled two hours worth of information into a few finite points. Consider this your CliffsNotes version of the episode. Or the LinceeNotes, if you will.
I’m happy to help. Call me if you’re interested in my abbreviated version of Jane Eyre.
It’s been a weird season of The Bachelorette. Suitors are walking out willy nilly, boutonnieres are left to wilt on the Home Depot pedestal, rose ceremonies are never at the end of the show anymore, statement rings are multiplying like Kaitlyn’s tears and I’m pretty sure Ireland is ready for the ABC production team to polish off their last Guinness before hopping into a paddy-wagon bound for the airport.
Because the franchise has completely thrown out the rulebook, it shouldn’t surprise me that this episode was just as rogue as the ones before. I found it odd that we sat through two fantasy forgo card dates and two “hometown” dates, yet hardly a thing happened in 120 minutes. On paper, that recipe practically declares the promise of countless juicy moments. In reality, everyone said the same thing twice while looking good in fuzzy sweaters.
With that said, there was the moment when a very fit man with concrete hair went streaking on a golf course because he was dared by a girl who potentially could be his wife.