Archive for the ‘Bachelor Recaps’ Category
I know what you’re thinking. You settled in last night to fry some brain cells because it had been a long day. And instead of Bachelor in Paradise, you were served a rather large helping of Michelle Money in Paradise with a generous side order of Chris’s knee hurts.
Remember my golden rule for watching this show dear reader. Look for the silver linings!
Lincee’s Episode 3 Bachelor in Paradise Playlist — Only the Strong Survive
And I Love Her — Harry Connick, Jr.
In a nutshell, Marcus and Lacy have a real relationship that is based on a firm foundation of attraction for each other, embarrassment for their fellow tree dwellers and a love of waterproof/chlorineproof/oceanproof necklaces. That’s the main reason he gave Lacy his rose.
Lacy – The Time of My Life — Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes
Lacy feels like she’s known Marcus her entire life. Everyone knows when you are that close to someone, the natural next step is to try and recreate the Dirty Dancing lift.
Not quite. Marcus needs to work on the move. Here’s a link to a training video.
I love finding an excuse to put that clip in recaps.
Okay, okay. Here’s the real thing. Watch and learn people. Watch and learn.
You Can’t Hurry Love — The Supremes
In one of the more entertaining montages of the evening, one camera follows Graham walking along the beach with Michelle Money, admitting AshLee’s tentacles are beginning to choke him. Then another camera features AshLee announcing her colors will be blush and bashful.
Graham: One day she just set the precedent that she’s with me. That’s very humbling and awesome, but also not really.
AshLee: I don’t want to waste anyone else’s time since I only like Graham.
Graham: I’m stressed.
AshLee: I’m sure that we will make it.
Graham: She even talked about me meeting her dad!
AshLee: My dad would be so proud of me that I picked Graham.
Graham: Yeah. She’s way ahead of me.
AshLee: Do you like my doily shorts?
AshLee finds a date card on her pillow. She runs to tell Graham the good news.
AshLee: This is why I came here. I have a connection with him. This is perfect. I can totally imagine myself living with him.
Graham: I know AshLee has feelings for me. There are issues we need to go over.
Lincee: Make sure to add “keep a close eye on my bunny” to that ever-growing list.
Wiggle It — 2 in a Room
At dinner, AshLee reminds Graham (in case he forgot) that she only came to Paradise because of him and her heart was set on the fact that she wanted a connection with him and only him. Graham wisely says, “But we’d never met before,” to which she replies, “I follow you on Instagram.”
Yep. That’s the same thing.
Graham decides that it’s safer for AshLee to just let her freak flag fly.
Graham: Outside of your breakdown [Clare asking him out] it’s been smooth sailing!
Graham tells her that he just wants to have a great time without any pressure and no “forever” talk. AshLee admits that they’ve been taking it slow long enough and now it’s time for the next step.
Enter forego night date card. This should be fun.
Graham says that it’s inappropriate to stay the night together, but he’s happy to stay up late and dance in the street. That’s when this happened:
— Bachelor in Paradise (@BachParadise) August 19, 2014
No matter how hard I yelled and screamed in protest at the television, the scene kept unfolding before my eyes. AshLee wiggled her way into Graham’s arms and squished her lips against his as she writhed. She and Elise are a strange breed of woman that should be studied.
Graham admits that AshLee is not playing around and that all she has to do is move six inches to the left and six inches to the right to garner any and everyone’s attention. It looks like he kisses her back. They still go their separate ways at the end of the night. And I’d be willing to bet that this all ends with a panic attack and breathing into a paper bag in the back of an ambulance next week. And Graham is going to feel awful that he led her on since he gave her his rose at the ceremony.
Zack – Macho Man
The more Zack hangs around in the background, waiting for gentlemanly moments, the more I like him. He’s the one who always helped Chris up stairs and on the beach when he couldn’t walk. And he did a great job consoling Clare who was mourning the 10-year-anniversary of her father’s death. He seems to genuinely like Clare, so he gives her his rose.
The Sign — Ace of Base
What is the deal with this cast’s fascination with turtles? While Clare is praising Zack for being gentle, compassionate, strong, loving and genuine, she spies a huge turtle at the edge of the water laying eggs. She sees this as a sign from her father. A sign of new life! They aren’t in Paradise to hand out friendship roses. They are here to make babies. Obviously.
Later she arranges for a double date with Michelle Money and Robert. No, no. That’s not a typo. I meant to write Robert. You see, two minutes into the show, Michelle Money announces she is sexually attracted to Marquel. Then Danielle shows up and her emotions switch to “super I don’t know.”
Hmmm. I think Elise and AshLee have a pill for that. Clearly they are confident in what they know. Perhaps you can trade a date night hair style for one?
Clare thinks the best way for Michelle to get over Marquel (he’s so yesterday) is to go after Robert. He totally has a swing rose and who cares if Sarah is interested in him? If Michelle is super honest with Sarah, she can’t get mad about the double date. Read the signs! Robert is Michelle Money’s type.
Heads Carolina, Tails California — Jo Dee Messina
Too bad Michelle Money is not Robert’s type. The person you give your rose to is the person who remembers you told them a story about how you brought five blue shirts and had to borrow a sweet corral one from Graham. And that person is Sarah.
The Sweetest Thing — Juice Newton
Each season, there’s always a nice girl who just doesn’t belong in the cesspool. They never can understand why the boys don’t like them. They are constantly questioning their confidence and are often found alone and crying. I’m glad Robert gave her his rose and I have no doubt that he just wants to be friends.
Almost Paradise — Mike Reno
Danielle is the psychiatric nurse from Juan Pablo’s season. When she arrives in Paradise with a date card, she asks who is already partnered up? Michelle Money creates a new rule out of thin air: you must go with your gut without knowing any information about anyone. Pick the one you’re attracted to!
Immediately Clare flings her head onto Zack’s shoulder. Lacy was already sitting in Marcus‘ lap, plus they were holding hands speaking their secret language, so she knew that was out. AshLee’s eyelashes were replaced by daggers and a mental dare, scary enough to make Danielle think twice. And Graham was across the room!
She chooses Marquel. They explore nearby Campeche, pick flowers, moonwalk off the beaten path, strip down in a courtyard, swim, ask questions and almost get struck by lightning. All in all, it was a solid date and Danielle feels confident she will get Marcus’ rose.
Red Headed Stranger — Willie Nelson
Marquel and Danielle arrive back at the treehouse and everyone is contractually obligated to have a party out on the beach so the new contestant’s dramatic entrance can actually be considered dramatic. I thought walking through the sand in wedges was dramatic enough, but what do I know? Will she fall? Is she going down?
It’s Jackie from Sean’s season. Everyone thinks she’s beautiful and then immediately hate her for the date card she holds in her hand. The same rules apply. She must pick based on first impressions alone. And she picks Marquel.
This Kiss — Faith Hill
Marquel and Jackie explore the ruins that Robert and Clare explored on episode one. It was the exact same date, minus the ants. Marquel feels a spark with Jackie that he can’t explain, so he breaks his rule of never kissing on the first date. He tells her about the rule, explaining that he doesn’t typically do this and if she wants she can participate or she can back away, it’s totally up to her and now he’s going to go in for the kill and is she ready? It was the longest prologue to a kiss.
Marquel gives his rose to Jackie and Danielle is sent home packing a mere 24-hours after arriving. To quote the medical professional, “It wasn’t Paradise. It was Marq-hell.”
This is what it has come to people.
One Way or Another — Blondie
Elise lives in a strange world full of dream boards that encourage her to visualize her future. The problem is that her dream board is very fluid and she can go from visualizing her life with Dylan one day, and visualizing her life with Chris the very next. This concerns exactly everyone living in the treehouse. She politely thanks them for their concern and then rushes off to get ready for her overnight date with Chris who is “ready to get down and dirty” because “Elise has a bangin’ body.”
When the forego card arrives, Elise tucks it in her bosom to keep safe. She wants to put it on her dream board because their names look soooooo good together. Chris wants to skip through the boring stuff because “he’s so horny.” Elise attempts to dip a toe in the non-bubbling hot tub as I wondered if her emerald green sequin bikini would discolor in the water. Also, isn’t it itchy?
Elise: I came here to find a boyfriend. And a husband.
Lincee: And now you have herpes! Victory!
Walk This Way — Aerosmith
Chris somehow torn some meniscus in his knee while in the ocean. He tells us every chance he gets that he’s in a lot of pain. As someone who tore their ACL in Cuba (salsa dancing of course), in a country where there isn’t any ice, plus a five hour plane ride back to Houston, I sort of get why he’s complaining.
To which I reply, “Suck it up.”
He sucks it up long enough to forego card with the bangin’ body and then he heads to the hospital. Elise proudly wheels him out in a wheelchair, teetering in her four-inch heels and Zack carries him to his bunk bed. Elise is a caretaker and can’t wait to fetch ice for him all day long. Then she’s going to fetch a 2×4 and a sledge hammer!
Elise: This such good training. We might be in the hospital together some day.
Chris is the last to hand out rose at the ceremony and no one is surprised when he calls Elise’s name. He tells her that he can’t give her the rose, because he’s leaving (due to an injury–you may not have been aware that he hurt his knee?) and he wants her to go with him.
She responds with the enthusiasm of a girl who just received an engagement ring instead of a girl who has been in a three-day relationship with a notorious franchise villain. Everyone pities her behind her back. Then Chris whips up some tears and gives his rose to the one person who deserves true love. Michelle Money.
Roar — Katy Perry
Michelle Money has the eye of the tiger. She’s a fighter. She’s dancing through the fire. She is a champion, and you’re going to hear her roar.
I think her rose deserves a slow motion celebration.
I hope you enjoy this week’s playlist!
Brutal and sad. These are the two terms that kept racing through my mind as I sat motionless watching this tremendous waste of time. My notes aren’t that much better. When the entire page consists of the words putz, REENACTMENT, hot Harrison, short denim overalls, oiled up, long lost Hemsworth brother, sponsored man necklaces and about a million bless her hearts, the recap doesn’t look very promising.
It’s times like these that you throw a Hail Mary pass and just hope for the best.
Lincee’s Episode 2 Bachelor in Paradise Playlist – The Rejection of YOPO
Free Fallin’ — Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
The first five minutes of the show was by far the most entertaining part of the entire night. Our Host Chris Harrison takes us on a journey that ends in tragedy. A hilarious, random, YOPO tragedy. Crazy Michelle chose to leave the show last week because she was hooking up with a crew member with whom she shared an adjoining room at the hotel. There were several reasons why Michelle fell for this guy, two of which were “he got me floss” and “he hand picked flowers for me.”
You shouldn’t neglect your gums people.
Harrison was sent to talk to Michelle about this infraction and she slammed the door in his face.
Harrison sighs, knocks again and tries to talk to Michelle a second time. She yells at him. He rolls his eyes. Then she lets a producer in, who obviously is wearing a microphone, and she gets cocky when the producer tells her she is contractually obligated to talk to Harrison.
Michelle: “He’s just the host.”
Messy Bun Lauren, who is labeled a “cast handler” is then interviewed. She and a blurry man (ten bucks it’s the ABC Intern) actually reenact the next moment as if we are all watching Unsolved Mysteries.
Lauren knocked on Michelle’s door because she and the ABC Psychotherapist are in charge of the rejects. Michelle answered the door wearing only a towel. Lauren asked who was in the room with her and Michelle freaked. Lauren went down stairs to presumably tattle when she heard a thump fall from above.
That thump was production guy Ryan Putz (P-U-T-Z), who unwisely estimated the gap between the balcony and the ground at about six feet. Turns out, it was 25 feet.
I like to call this the Transcendent Mesnick. They are rare, but clearly exist.
Purz was rushed to the hospital with two broken ankles. Lauren laughed the entire time she was telling the story. She’s my new favorite person on this show.
I Only Have Eye(Lashes) For You — The Flamingos
Even though AshLee’s eyelashes grew 12 inches over night, we didn’t hear much from her this week. Never fear. Her freak flag flies next Monday when she presents Graham with the wedding scrapbook she’s been working on for the last 15 years.
Hot in Here — Nelly
I love how the franchise has made Graham the official greeter when new folks arrive on the island. He’s also the official commentator. “Graham, can you give us a quick rundown of what’s going on?”
I’ll tell you what’s going on. Graham is securing his rose from AshLee because he’s just so darling.
Hold My Hand — Hootie and the Blowfish
Marcus has taken to holding Lacy’s hand at all times. And when Robert is within a five-mile radius, he insists on kissing her while holding hands. Robert is not taking it well and neither am I.
Can’t Help Falling in Love — Elvis Presley
Lacy doesn’t even remember who Robert is and is completely smitten with her hairy chested lover. So she gives him her rose.
Someday My Prince Will Come — Snow White
Clare is not feeling a connection with anyone on the island. Just when she’s about to give up all hope, Villain Chris saunters into the treehouse unannounced as always. Even though every person warns her that Chris is a womanizer, she lets him lube her up with oil during a couples massage so she can decide for herself if he’s a d-bag. She starts to consider falling for the jack wagon when she spies him humping Elise in the ocean two hours later. She wanders off to vent to find her raccoon friend.
Whatta Man — En Vogue
Suddenly Zack (who?) appears and Clare is back in the game! He asks her out on the date and she is super excited because she’s half Mexican. Ay, caramba! They talk about their pheromones (oh dear), she wears a statement necklace in the water (please) and then she said she felt a connection with Zack when she had her legs wrapped around him in the ocean. Then she winked and laughed in case you were too bored to catch that obvious innuendo. That connection landed Zack Clare’s rose. (That’s not a sexual innuendo by the way, just so we’re clear.)
Drink On It — Blake Shelton
Marquel told Michelle Money that he thought she drank too much. Considering he appears to be passed out most of the time, I thought that was a bold statement. Especially since the entire premise of the show is built on a foundation of tequila shots, whiskey sours and Corona chasers. Marquel is funny.
Gypsies Tramps and Thieves — Cher
Not as funny as Michelle’s chain headdress, but close. I’m not sure why she was in the hot tub fully clothed either, but I’m just going to go with it. Double M is by far my favorite character on this show and I hope they dedicate a rose pedestal or hot tub in her honor when the L.A. mansion becomes a museum one day. I wonder if Marquel kept the rose she gave him because she is and will always be Bachelor royalty.
Live Your Life — T.I. featuring Rihanna
When Elise starts talking about Pices’ propensity to love Scorpions until the day they die, Dylan decides it’s time to cut the umbilical cord. He tells Elise that she should get to know other people. She loves this idea because it’s means they are super connected.
Dylan: She’s smothering me.
Elise: I’ve never felt more in love.
Dylan: If you wanted to go on another date with someone, it wouldn’t bother me.
Elise: He’s scared of how real this is getting so fast.
Dylan: You should meet other people. Go. Meet. Now.
Elise: He’s pushing me away so I can come back to him. That’s sweet.
You’re Still the One — Shania Twain
After yelling at Elise for that entire exchange, I’m reluctant to watch what happens next. She puts on her tiniest bikini which is like chum to Villain Chris. He follows her out into the ocean where they make out for all the world to witness.
The next day, Michelle asks Elise if Chris would be someone she would pursue if Dylan wasn’t in the picture.
Elise: It doesn’t matter. I love Dylan. I’m going to tell him I kissed someone. It will be a hard conversation, but it needs to happen so we can go ahead and get beyond this bump in the road.
Dylan is not pleased that Elise kissed someone else, even though he technically told her to get out there and experience the treehouse dwellers. He uses this as an excuse to break up with her. Only she doesn’t know that they broke up. She thinks the best way to handle the current drama is to visualize things working out.
Dylan: Do not offer me your rose.
Elise: What are you saying?
Dylan: I will not accept your rose.
Dylan: We are friends. I don’t want your rose.
Elise: Just be honest.
The look on Dylan’s face was priceless when Elise, of course, offered him her rose.
Bad Medicine — Bon Jovi
It’s a good thing Villain Chris was determined to sabotage the Dylan/Elise romance, even though he had no idea that there technically wasn’t an actual romance to sabotage. When Elise’s rose was rejected by Dylan, she recited a long, rambling, confusing speech about how “life brings you a lot of things in ups and downs.” Then she lovingly offered her rose to Villain Chris.
Swingin’ — John Anderson
Sarah was surprised when Dylan received a date card and asked her instead of Elise. Elise, of course, found this entirely charming for some reason and was thrilled that he picked her best friend to take on his date. Dylan was as nice as he could be, praising Sarah for being so sweet and kind. He really wants to get to know her better. I fist pumped the air when Sarah, knowing she had the swing vote, chose to give her rose to Robert instead of Dylan.
Lucky — Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat
Robert barely made it this week and even stooped to sniffing around Michelle Money to try and get her on Team Gale. I will continue to think of him as Liam Hemsworth as he lives to see another week. Turns out the odds were in his favor.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Theme Song
Ben is a jack hole. That’s all there is to it. Marcus “found” a love note in Ben’s Ninja Turtle backpack and showed it to Marquel. The boys confronted Ben about this note and he admitted that he met a girl three weeks before the show started. Clare eavesdropped on the conversation and then reported to the rest of the group. They stampede the treehouse shouting, “NOT HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS!” and carrying pitchforks. Michelle Money sobbed that she left her nine-year-old daughter to find love! WHY WAS HE HEEEEEEEEERRRRRREEEE?
He decided that moment that it was time to leave and officially said goodbye to Hollywood.
I decided that moment to turn off the television to read a little Shakespeare in order to build back a few of my brain cells I lost in those two hours.
I think we both made wise decisions.
Enjoy this week’s playlist!
All about the fame, not the shame,
ABC’s recipe for a successful Bachelor in Paradise episode is simple. Take five cups of estrogen and fold in some jealousy, tears and body glitter. Mix four strands of a brunette weave, two statement necklaces and an entire package of false eyelashes. Add 10 ounces of sweat, a teaspoon of manners and six abs. Blend together with equal parts sea water and jägermeister. Serve chilled to the women and oblivious to the men.
I’m 80% sure that’s right and 40% sure Lacy can’t do math.
My brain willed me to jump ship when 10 minutes of the opening Harrison meet-n-greet was Elise teetering down 10 stairs in her platform wedges. But I pressed on. I’m not sure I understand the rules though, and I truly believe it doesn’t matter one iota. All you need to know is that roses are handed out to people you either want to or have already hooked up with prior to the rose ceremony. This week, the boys hold all the power.
I think it’s funny that ABC thinks we are invested in these people. I think it’s sad that they are sort of right, because let’s face it — WE’RE WATCHING THIS NONSENSE.
One word comes to mind in my defense: GRAHAM
Because the episode was ridiculously long, I’ve decided to use one of my spiritual gifts to recap the show. That’s right. I’m treating you all to a virtual mixed tape. Grab your walkman, sit back and let the music take you on this journey.
Lincee’s Inaugural Bachelor in Paradise Playlist
“I’ll Be There” – Jackson 5
Michelle Money is Bachelor royalty. When Mike Fleiss facilitates an all-star show, a reunion cruise or brainstorming session, Michelle Money is there. She arrived at the Paradise Tree House about 12 hours into the first day and simply owned the place. Her flowing pants were a bit on the unfortunate side, but that didn’t stop every girl from plastering on a fake smile, and joyously squealing upon her entrance. Graham was the only one who was genuinely happy. She took him off to a private cabana, wish resulted in AshLee nervously pulling at her messy braid while spewing insults under her breath.
I’m quite confident Money could take AshLee down using only her words and a well-timed raise of the eyebrow.
Michelle Money receives a date card. She strolls over to the queen-sized bed hanging from a tree near the beach (the ABC Intern took a shop class or two to pull that off) and asks Marquel to go horseback riding with her.
“Should’ve Been a Cowboy” – Toby Keith
Marquel was the only participant who came dressed for the occasion. He constantly impresses me with his wardrobe choices. At one point, he was even carrying a long piece of driftwood as a makeshift cane. He’s so cool. He opted for normal cargo shorts and tee to go horseback riding, instead of yoga pants and a tank top like his riding partner. His rose ceremony pants and jaunty fedora were just the right amount of whimsy. He gave his rose to Michelle Money who looked like she was dressing up as Lydia from Beetlejuice. The fact that she had funky hair extensions protruding from a banana clip (clearly mailed to her by Linea Ray from the depths of my childhood bathroom drawer) completed the retro look.
“Have I Told You Lately That I Love You” – Van Morrison
Elise claims Dylan from the minute he stepped back from Marqel’s hearty welcome embrace. She wisely refrains from professing her love. I guess that’s episode two material. Good call Elise. Good call.
“Raise Your Glass” – P!nk
Dylan plays it cool as Elise follows him around singing his praises. He waits until dark to escort her down to the water’s edge where she flings herself onto his torso to escape the tide. She held a glass of champagne the entire time. Dylan wades further into the water, forcing Elise to straddle him. Clearly she needs both arms to hang onto his neck. Dylan has two champagne glasses in one hand and the weight of a grown woman curved around his entire front side. He manages to stick his tongue down her throat as waves crash into their bodies without dropping either glass or the girl. I was extremely impressed by his dexterity and was not surprised when he gave Elise his rose during the ceremony.
“Nicest Kid in Town” – Hairspray the Musical
I’ve been following Graham for a while on Instagram, and I agree with the nosey busy bodies who were spying on his alone time with AshLee that he seems to be the nicest guy ever. AshLee told Graham that when she heard he was going to be on the show, she signed up. He takes this as a huge compliment instead of a red flag for stalker tendencies. Sadly, AshLee forgot to pee all over him because Clare invites Graham on her one-on-one date. AshLee is outraged and begins having a conversation with the other voices in her head about how Clare is such a slut. Clare finds out that AshLee has feelings for Graham, so she offers the date to AshLee who figuratively tears it up into a million pieces and throws it back in Clare’s face. Clare does the next best thing and retracts the date from Graham. A FIRST IN BACHELOR HISTORY! I guess we can consider that a dramatic moment. Graham tries to talk to AshLee on the beach about what just happened, but she played an immature game of freeze out. He thought this was highly immature. Say hello to the 10-year age gap G-Money!
“Marry You” – Bruno Mars
AshLee admits she follows Graham on social media and suddenly I feel like explaining to everyone that I’m more of a fan than a stalker. Daniella tells the camera that AshLee has a tendency to bring up marriage scenarios WAY BEFORE one should be wishin’ and hopin’. When Clare presents Graham with the date card, she goes upstairs in the tree house suitcase room to first talk to herself and then cry it out with Danielle. “Everyone knows he’s in to me. I’m the only normal person here beside him.”
I’m going to go out on a tree house limb and say AshLee is far from normal. It’s just a hunch.
When Michelle Money suddenly appears, AshLee has a change of heart. She hunts Graham down, interrupting his shirtless, morning exercises on the beach, so she can apologize for her behavior. Then she thanked him for being so cool, hugged him and left immediately.
That’s what should have happened, but instead she rambled on using the phrases “fairy tale ending” and “running off into the sunset together.” Danielle thinks Graham gave her his rose because he was afraid AshLee would chop his balls off in the middle of the night.
Normal is boring. Oh, and jean vests are definitely back.
“Rocky Raccoon” – The Beatles
Clare pushes pause on the approaching nervous breakdown and decides to talk things out with a raccoon. I know that sentence doesn’t make sense, but this is Bachelor in Paradise, so you’re just supposed to go with it. She has pulls a “Major Mesnick” with Graham and instead takes Robert on the one-on-one date she literally dreamed about. You can tell she’s not into him. Especially since he’s covered with ant bites.
“Where Do Broken Hearts Go” — Whitney Houston
Poor Robert is blinded by love for Big Boob Lacy. And why shouldn’t he be? He was the first she straddled in the ocean. That has to mean something. And he didn’t once make fun of her hair during their one-on-one date. If you listened closely, you could hear his heart shatter when Marcus jock blocked him and gave his rose to Lacy before he had the chance.
“My Humps” — Black Eyed Peas
Lacy reminds us SEVERAL times that she will NOT be cut the first week as she was during Juan Pablo’s season. How will the world get to know her and her boobs? Within 12 hours, she has ocean straddled Marcus and Robert. You can tell she’s in to Marcus, but she wants to keep Robert on a tight leash. When he returns from his date with Clare, Robert notices that Lacy looks sad, so he rushes to console her. Her sob story is epic. It’s hard being Lacy and her boobs. She’s so upset that she asks him to go with her to get some fresh air.
Sure. Let’s walk around to this side of the tree house. Which as you know is outside. In the fresh air. I’m 80/40 percent that’s accurate.
“The Girl Is Mine” – Michael Jackson
Marcus may not be over Andi, but he’s willing to get under Lacy. So he presents himself. Like a peacock or a baboon. By doing this:
There was a big debate whether this was tragic swimwear or deplorable underwear. We landed somewhere between vulgar and bless his heart.
Lacy joins Marcus five seconds later. Dylan life coaches him through the rose ceremony process, instructing him to follow his heart. Who cares that he promised Sarah a rose just because Robert is going to hand his to Lacy? Marcus agrees, goes rogue and asks Big Boobs to accept his bud.
“Friends Are Friends Forever” – Michael W. Smith
Sarah was insecure the entire night, but things looked brighter when she got a date card. She asked Marcus to go with her to an underwater cave. Oddly, they had to strip off their clothes before heading down the tunnel, and when they got to the oasis, they had to jump off of a platform into some creepy, sea creature infested, who knows how deep water. They pretended to be scared, held hands and jumped together. Then they went up to do it again and that’s when Sarah, bold as brass, asked Marcus to kiss her.
My watching party had several visceral reactions. Ann muttered “no no no” over and over again under her breath. Lara shouted “NO NO NO” over and over again at the television. Emily was literally in the fetal position and I abandoned the couch cushion and left the room. It was painfully uncomfortable to witness.
She further seduces him with her awkwardness by telling Marcus she only wants his rose if he wants to explore where this relationship is going. STOP TALKING NOW SARAH. Marcus wisely tells her that he’s totally into Lacy and her boobs, but if Robert gives Lacy his rose, he’ll give Sarah his. But she needs to know that it’s a friendship rose and she should NOT hang it upside down to dry so she can make scrapbook potpourri later.
“Red” – Taylor Swift
Even though Ben was cast as the villain, he was pretty quiet this episode. Ironically, his red rose ceremony pedal pushers were extremely loud. Ames would not be proud. Ben felt extreme power holding the last rose of the night. Since Marcus gave his rose to Big Boobs, Ben must choose between Sarah and Danielle. He gives it to Sarah.
“Don’t Know What You’ve Got Till It’s Gone” — Cinderella
I will miss Daniella. She treated the tree house like a sorority rush party, asking everyone “where are you from?” Except she wasn’t talking about geography. She meant which season. And she had a handful of awesome one-liners that had me laughing out loud instead of cringing behind my computer monitor. The bright side is now we won’t get her confused with Elise.
“Crazy Girl” – Eli Young Band
Crazy Michelle never spoke to anyone. She dramatically took herself out of the running at the beginning of the rose ceremony and hinted that there might be a Mr. Crazy already in the picture. Based on scenes from next week, we know this to be true since her production assistant lover boy chooses to hop out of the top of the tree house, breaking both legs, instead of facing Our Host Chris Harrison.
My fingers crossed that Harrison gets his own Tubbs next week.
Two girls have left the tree house. Next week, more contestants arrive and the GIRLS will hold all the power. I can’t watch this business alone. You have to stick this out with me.
Think about it while enjoying this playlist!
All about the fame, not the shame,
I think the best way for us to get through Bachelor Paradise is for everyone to virtually hold hands and think happy thoughts. Our cast of characters were clearly chosen based on their extreme willingness to perpetuate drama, their seduction technique, those who rock a set of abs and/or those who maintain a general sense of douchbaggery.
A few years ago, I wrote some guidelines for Bachelor Pad contestants. I think the same rules apply to these crazies. Here’s my take on the situation.
Contestants are only allowed to pack either swimwear or underwear for the duration of the show. These rules are unflinchingly rigid. They will also be required to make out with at least two different people each episode. Gender is optional. Finally, females must cry at least once a day and men must pick verbal arguments with other males physically smaller in size or of questionable sexuality.
The plus side is that they get to sleep together in bunk beds in the same room! It’s just like Camp Longhorn, but different. Not only does the alcohol run freely, but ABC has made sure the following list of necessities will be available to make their stay as enjoyable as possible:
- Hot wax and brand new packages of BIC razors
- Baby oil
- Chlorine tablets strong enough to kill anything germ/sperm-related in the hot tub
- Cases of Binaca
- Dippity Do hair gel and Chi hair dryer
- Waterproof mascara
- Vaseline and Saran Wrap
- U2′s Joshua Tree CD case to hold your Cher Greatest Hits album
- An economy-size box of RID
About two months ago when the first half of the cast was announced, I took the liberty of sifting through the head shots, dug through all of my old archives and made a list so you don’t have to wrack your brain trying to remembered who you loved and who you loathed the first go around. (And in some cases, second, third, etc – I’m looking at you Michelle Money.)
Since the second group was released after Andi and Josh’s engagement that took place on a floating platform inspired by the kitchen tile my Mama installed in 1978, I’ve listed all of those participating in the debauchery for your convenience. This is the official cast list from the ABC website, but I have noticed some others who crashed the Paradise Party.
It’s going to be a hot mess and I couldn’t be more excited.
Why you remember him: You probably remember yelling, “RIP THE BAND-AID already you jack wagon!” because Brooks was the one who broke up with Des in the middle of paradise. Let’s re-live that moment together:
After seeking wise counsel from Chris Harrison, his mother and his sister, all mentors encouraged Brooks to just tell Des the truth. Make it quick. Know that she’s going to be hurt. Just do it and deal with the results. I appreciate the fact that he didn’t make Des go on the entire romantic date before dropping the bomb in the fantasy suite, but his decision to shower her with adoration for 20 minutes before getting to the “but” of his soliloquy was extremely painful. She was crying within seconds of his speech. She knew. Which made it even more weird when he asked, “WHY ARE YOU CRYING?” What a moron. I may have shouted at my TV. Des throws caution to the wind and answers, “Because I love you!” to which Brooks follows up with the head scratching inquiry, “Then why didn’t you tell me?” Dude. It’s the ONE RULE in Bachelor Nation. You’re not allowed to share your feelings!
Why you remember him: How can you forget? I’ll let my archives speak for themselves.
Chris is a dill hole. Seriously. I couldn’t come up with a better title to describe last night’s bender into the soul-sucking depths of depravity. He’s immature and cocky and needs to stop being such a butt munch.
Season: Juan Pablo
Why you remember her: I’m still not sure she’s not a rando who was stuck in the mix to see if anyone was paying attention. With that said, there was a “Christy” that came up in my search. And this was all I got:
You’re familiar with Mute Christy’s boobs. And her cute white headband. I’m unsure if she ever spoke. You definitely confused her with the other bottled blond.
Why you remember him: Oh Cody. I have a special place in my heart for this big guy. He sort of endeared himself to me this season, but I still think that if you hugged him, you’d have orange self tanner all over your clothes. Here was my first impression of C-Man:
Cody is the beefcake who pushed the limo into the driveway because he strong. He also wears several bracelets and shiny suits because he’s strong. His collar is popped on his suit jacket because he’s a chach. And he wears tight t-shirts so you can tell that he’s strong. Beefcake Cody negotiated a juicing and protein shake clause into his contract.
Season: Juan Pablo
Why you remember her: Do you think Danielle is passing out prescriptions yet?
I have high hopes that Danielle slipped a heavy dose of Lexapro into the going away swag bag of anyone leaving the ceremony without a rose. She could truly be loads of fun if they allowed her to wield a prescription pad with reckless abandon. At the very least, the girl deserves permanent dibs on a dark leather chair adjacent to a velvet couch.
Why you remember her: Jackie had gorgeous red hair and was deemed the best kisser her season. She went on the dreadful two-on-one date with a sparkling Tierra. Remember?
This was a pretty rough date. Not only did Jackie draw the short stick, but she drew the lame horse. He wouldn’t trot. Tierra is up ahead galloping like the carefree girl on a tampon commercial and Jackie is stuck plodding along behind. She claims she’s not intimidated by Tierra at all. That may be true, but we all know she’s intimidated by Sean’s Mr. Rogers sweater. I know I am. Well, maybe not so much intimidated as bewildered by its existence.
Why you remember him: Kalon is a luxury brand consultant. He may or may not be from Houston, but he definitely insulted Little Ricki.
Doug: “Last night…one of the guys…in the house…referred to Ricki…as baggage.”
Emily: “Who? WHO?”
Doug: “Kalon the luxury consultant. I asked him if it was true and he said it was.”
Pulling from the agendas of his previously attended anger management classes, he warns Emily that the worst reaction is a knee-jerk reaction. She smiles and Mama Bear comes out to play when she removes her leather jacket and promises to go all West Virginia, hood rat, back woods on his a$$, vowing that she will rip him of his limbs and then beat him with the luxury ends.
Season: Juan Pablo
Why you remember her: The Free Spirit will be topless by the first sunset. Mark my words.
According to the Free Spirit, hippies don’t wear shoes. They do wear a crown of roses in their hair and little to no makeup. Chances are Juan Pablo didn’t comment on how good she smelled. She flung her funky feet into his lap and laughed and giggled in all the right places. She skipped to the rose pedestal when her name was called and executed the perfect childlike pirouette back to her place in line. She’s going to be the villain this season. Had Bangs and Oklahoma not been massaging and melting down all over the place, I’m quite confident Free Spirit would have been awarded more air time.
Why you remember him: Oh Marquel. I hope that cookie nickname doesn’t stick.
Marquel (clad in gingham) walked Andi through a dessert tasting session in which he presents a black and white cookie and good naturedly tells her that this one is his favorite. You giggled because Marquel is African-American and that was a pretty good icebreaker. Marquel has swag and was extremely fun and charming.
Season: Brad 2.0
Why you remember her: Michelle is vintage, old school, classic Bachelor franchise. She can turn on the waterworks faster than you can say, “He’s not here for the right reasons.” I’m not sure what’s going on in the picture above. Perhaps she just finished a play in which she was Pocahontas?
In breaking news, Michelle is irritated because it’s her birthday and there are 14 skanks trying to get up on her man. She drags Brad to a secluded area and begins her interrogation.
Michelle: “You have walls.”
Brad: “What? No I don’t. Where’s my football?”
Michelle: “I want to dissect you.”
Lincee: Or…she wants to cut you. Same difference.
Why you remember her: I predict Tasos will be every girl’s best friend.
Tasos is by far the most unique of the bunch. He’s the one that did the lock and key thing during his exit and then drops a little Spanish and French on Andi. She eats it up. Tasos will be in the friend zone before we know it. Tasos was the farthest away from tone deaf, but even he hit some wonky notes at the end of his run that made Boyz II Men wince. Instead of making a wish, the audience should have closed their eyes and plugged their ears.
Why you remember him: You don’t remember this Zack because the other Zac stole his name and his thunder.
Zack wore a tux on top and Chucks on the bottom. I laughed when he told Des that he “hoped he would find her in there.” As if would get her confused with other tall, pretty girl wandering around in tin foil dresses with a rip on the train!
Season: Juan Pablo
Why you remember her: She had the best runner-up exit EVER. Remember this?
Clare: This entire time, I’ve stuck around because I believed in you. The other night, you told me we would be having babies together so I believed in us. I’ve saved this moment for the man of my dreams. I thought that was you.
She stalks off the non-up-to-code stage, whipping around at the last second.
Clare: What you just made me go through, I would never want my children having a father like you.
Ouch. You’d think Juan Pablo would be hurt by that remark. Instead, he plasters a smirk on his face and says, “Woo. I’m glad I didn’t pick her.”
Mind blown. What a jack wagon.
Season: Juan Pablo
Why you remember her: She had a hard time dancing with the super cool girl group 2NE1. Here’s how I described her moves:
Remember in the movie Hitch where Will Smith coached the King of Queens guy how to dance? “This is where you live. Right here. This is home. Elbows six inches from the waist. At 90-degree angles. Don’t you bite your lip!” That was Elise. But imagine a drink in her hand, sloshing around.
Season: Juan Pablo
Why you remember her: Lacy is the one who worked at a nursing home. Here’s what I wrote about her entry and icebreaker on night one — the night she went home.
Lacy tells Juan Pablo that dating 25 girls can give anyone a headache. She hands Juan Pablo huge bottle of prescription medicine she swiped from poor Mr. Jones in room 4-D. He pops a pill and grins at her expectantly. Lacy insists on revealing that it’s not a REAL pill. It’s a hot tamale! He doesn’t seem impressed. His Madre makes the best tamales this side of the equator. Lacy further nails her own coffin by later presenting a jigsaw puzzle she made from a picture of him and his daughter janked off of Juan Pablo’s Instagram account. She had cleverly removed one of the corners and proclaimed that she was the missing piece in his life! Authorities were called in shortly thereafter and the restraining order papers were drawn up as a precaution.
Status: No Rose
Why you remember him: Ben was the no one liked from Des’ season because he wasn’t there for the right reasons. This is an excerpt from his two-on-one date with the Federal Prosecutor:
Apparently, you can fashion a hot tub into a motorized boat and float around in the freezing cold with two people who loathe each other. SIGN ME UP! The Federal Prosecutor is determined to throw Ben under the hot tug. And he does so multiple times during the date. He calls him out for not communicating with his son and all Des can do is sip her hot broth and beg with her eyes that the camera man in the tethered hot tug will call it a day. Not to mention the fact that the bubbling hot tug sounds like a chorus of farts. Say I’m wrong. #SorryMama It was the opposite of romantic and now I have hives because I’m so uncomfortable.
At dinner, the layers of awkwardness continued to build on one another when Ben showed up in almost the exact same outfit as the Fed. Pink shirts, grey sweaters, grey slacks and looks of disgust. Upon the first clink of the feeble toast, The Prosecutor straight up asks Ben why he doesn’t get along with anyone else in the house? Des downs a few glasses of wine as Ben chooses his words as wisely as he can.
Des calls and audible and asks the boys what family traditions they want to have when they are married. Ben goes first and says that he wants Sunday to be a family day. The Fed responds with a harsh, “What about Easter? Why didn’t you go to church with the group? Did you even call your son on Easter?”
Des shoots an entire flute of champagne.
My armpits begin sweating and my butt clenches.
The Fed simultaneously maintains his gaze while eating with his mouth open.
Ben refrains from punching him in the face.
I considered the moment victorious for all of us.
Why you remember him: He invented sign twirling. Read below:
Not only is Robert not much of a neck tie guy, but he also claims to have invented the art of sign spinning. That’s right. The dude who proudly stands on a corner outfitted in a Statue of Liberty costume who is dancing with a sign that says “WE’LL DO YOUR TAXES” got all his moves from good ole’ Rob and his LA-based business partners. Rumor has it that his group is also the brains behind running in place when you have to pee and the tear strip advertisements popular among babysitters and unqualified movers. His favorite mode of transportation is skateboard. I know what you’re thinking and the answer is no. He does not have the panache of a One F Jef, but he does have a One Eyed Dog and he definitely gets extra points for that.
Why you remember her: She was in loooooooooooove and never expected to be dumped by Sean Lowe. Allow me to take you back to their exotic date:
As AshLee gives a small, yet thorough dissertation about the wonder that is Sean, I become both distracted and obsessed with figuring out what her necklace says. It looks like “AshLee” and then I think it says “Respect” but then change my mind, convinced it says “Gypsy.” After several pauses of the DVR, one Google search and a few confirmations from those watching the show with me, I am happy to report that the necklace reads “gypset,” which is a made up word that roughly translates to: “having an unconventional and Bohemian approach to life.” I’ve learned that in order to be a gypset, you have to play the ukulele or accordion, prefer vacationing in a teepee, reject all forms of currency, drink absinthe and constantly wish you had been a young adult in the 70s.
From our viewpoint, it’s pretty much the opposite of what AshLee’s demeanor has been the entire show, but I have to give her props for embracing her nomadic motto by hanging on to the shoulders of her “adventurous” bachelor as they dog paddle their way through a scary cave.
Sean: “I just need to see if AshLee can let go of her fears and trust me. I really hope that she proves herself by letting me take control.”
My opinion? It’s kind of hard to trust you when you’re being a total jackhole, Sean. Perhaps you could give her a little encouragement that you’re not going to let rabid bats eat her face off? Or you’ll throw your body on top of her should a stalactite fall from above causing her eye socket to be impaled? PS: shouting an explicative when some unknown cave dweller brushes up against your leg does not promote an atmosphere of control and trust. She was definitely a bigger gypsetter than YOU.
It’s a good thing that private beach was so cool on the other side, or I would have had some words with our resident bachelor. Of course, this leads to many metaphors for their relationship. Just pick one that has to do with trust, taking risks, blah, blah, blah. AshLee begins monologging about Sean’s ability to make her feel whole, her love for this man and that two human beings couldn’t belong together more than they.
Preach it gypset!
At dinner, AshLee tells Sean for the hundredth time that they were made for each other and then she describes in great detail the exact engagement ring along with her finger size because she knows the visit to Uncle Neil will be in the next few days. Do you hear that? It’s the final nail being hammered into her coffin.
Why you remember her: You don’t. Neither did I. Apparently she was on the show. Here’s proof:
Daniella prefers a more juvenile approach to her first impression. She walks Sean through the intricacies of a complicated hand shake. Let the record show that she was the last limo to arrive at the mansion, which translates into about four cosmopolitans chased by three tequila shots. Due to her impaired hand/eye coordination, she and Sean rarely made a connection during the hand shake session. Ironically, some connection was eventually made because she received a rose.
Why you remember her: Great personality. All contestants seemed to love her. She’s the girl with one arm. But don’t feel sorry for her:
The familiar sound of a helicopter approaching results in all of our bachelorettes rushing outside to marvel at the wonder of aviation technology. Truly. It’s as if no one has ever heard of let alone seen a helicopter before. Sean hops out, greets the ladies, spots his date and steers her in the direction of the waiting mode of transportation by casually throwing his arm around her shoulder. Sarah gushes, knowing that by touching her there, he’s totally cool with the fact that she only has one arm.
Then the DOH! moment comes. Sarah is leaning in to Sean’s lap so she can see the beautiful smog of Los Angeles and Sean absent-mindedly goes in to caress her outer arm, which does not exist. He hits air right where her elbow should be and lands somewhere around her outer hip/butt region. He leaves it there as if that was his plan all along.
Smooth as silk, Sean — did Arie teach you that too?
The love birds land on a skyscraper where they are strapped into borrowed Downton Abbey girdles, made to wear dorky helmet cams and given the instruction to leap off the building where they will free fall for 35 floors. Think egg drop experiment you had to do in sixth grade physical science class. Except with people.
Please. How many times have we witnessed this date? As you may have guessed, taking the plunge is a bonding experience that gives them confidence in their budding relationship. Sean gives Sarah a rose even after she tells a sad story in her slow talking Valley Girl accent that she didn’t get to go zip lining one time with her dad because the law said disabled people weren’t allowed. Sean was mortified. She appreciated his distaste and said that she was glad to know that if he had been there, he would have stood up for her. Sean responded by using the words protect, guard and heart. My skin crawled a little bit as I feared he would run out and ruin that perfect chest by getting an S+S = love tattoo.
Season: DeAHnna and Bachelor Pad Season 2
Why you remember him: He’s hot. So hot, I used a normal shot instead of an official ABC shot. You should see his abs. Trust me. And you should follow him on Instagram. What was I saying? Oh yeah. Here’s a little behind-the-scenes 4-1-1 on Mr. Bunn from BP2:
Graham will undoubtedly go home with Harrison’s cell phone digits. Clearly, he is the winner of this silly competition.
Aside from his attempts to woo Alli (who knows if they were genuine?) Graham was labeled as one of the “core four.” However, his one role in the show last night was to get Alli on their team. He may have spoken two sentences, but he looked really pretty doing it. And if he wins the money, he’ll go to third world countries and drill water wells for the villages. I heart him and I hope he is nice. He’s my junior varsity pick to Ames for winning it all with Stag in a close third.
Why you remember her: I had to dig deep people, and what I found wasn’t pretty. See for yourself:
Michelle sulks off to the corner of the rooftop and begins crying. Poor Jake sees her there and is forced to try and have a somewhat normal conversation.
Michelle: “I’m not over emotional or dramatic…even though I’ve been crying every time you see me. I’m the only person here for you Jake. I really, really, want a husband.”
Per direction of the ABC Psychotherapist, Jake speaks slowly and quietly as not to wake the other demons.
Jake: “I believe you.”
Michelle: “Remember I stressed out and packed my bags. I can’t continue on this journey if you are not feeling the same way as I do. Would it be awkward if I could kiss you to see if I can feel something?”
Jake looks at the ABC Psychotherapist and gets the go ahead. He reluctantly leans in for the kiss. Cold. Unemotional. Kiss. He pulls away.
Michelle: “You have to give me something more than that. What in the world? Why is your head down? LOOK ME IN THE EYES.”
The men with the straight jackets creep up a little closer.
Jake: “I’m ready for this night to be over. I just need to digest what I’m feeling.”
Michelle: “Well Jake. You leave me no choice. I can’t stay. I really want to stay because I feel that we have a connection. To spend this time with you and not be able to kiss you hurts me.”
Jake: “You said once that you would leave, but you didn’t. And now you’ve decided tonight that you want to go?”
Michelle: “If you want me to stay, I’ll stay.”
Jake: “I think it would be better if you did leave.”
And there you have it. It’s going to be a hot mess of a season, but I’ll be there every sultry step of the way. Will you?
Don’t make me face this alone.