iHateGreenBeans

“What the BLEEP happened?”

Yes. It was the explicative heard around the world. Unless, of course, you missed it because your television was on mute due to Kacie B.’s exit interview in which she communicated with sounds only dogs and dolphins could relate.

Knowing that Kacie B. was unaware of her parents’ issues with this silly reality show known as The Bachelor and its messy haired suitor Groban, I’d be willing to bet that an encore appearance of the baton paired with a black unitard probably contributed to the decision making process that resulted in extreme ugly crying nestled among the comfort of a few f-bombs.

It’s only a guess.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you poked on Facebook happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the niece/former classmate of someone who is obsessed with the Hunger Games trilogy and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

ABC wastes no time with silly maps of cartoon airplanes flying from Sonoma to Florida. The audience is thrust into the Cox Family horse farm where Lindzi is riding a noble steed named Devon, waiting for the Grobe to show up in a muted plaid shirt.

Oh. I was wrong. It was a bright blue plaid shirt. Before I congratulate our color wheel discriminating Bachelor, let the record show that his pants were grey. I’m just saying.

Lindzi: “Horses have been in my life since before I was born.”

Let’s pause to truly appreciate the power of that sentence.

Lindzi leads Groban and Devon to a picnic and talks about how her old boyfriend, whom she lived with, dumped her via text message. She talked about having a broken heart, seeing red flags and the fact that her parents straight up hated the guy.

Groban: “I can see that your walls are coming down slowly, but surely.”
Lindzi: “Vulnerable is a big word for me.”

Yeah? Well “excruciating” is a big word for me. We’re 18 minutes into the show and I’ve already started banging my own head against the wall. SERENITY NOW!

Devon’s owner hooks him up to a carriage, sits on the lap of our Bachelor and helps him maneuver over the river and through the woods. Groban holds onto a whip with one hand and Linzdi’s butt with the other. “Giddy up indeed,” Devon thinks as he trots to the Cox’s house where the ABC intern has pulled all of the family room furniture into the backyard.

“Meet my boyfriend!” Lindzi shouts as she dismounts Groban’s lap. Our Bachelor drops the whip, extends his hand and introduces himself to Lindzi’s father Harry.

His name is Harry. Harry Cox.

I’ll allow 10 seconds for you to digest that bit of information and laugh like a prepubescent boy just as I did.

Did you get it out of your system? Good. Moving on.

Mother Marge is distracted by the potential for grass stains on her brand new wheat linen couch as Lindzi babbles on an on about their super fun first date in San Francisco.

Lindzi: “We went to a secret speakeasy and then to a concert in City Hall.”
Harry Cox: “You know, your mother and I were married in San Francisco City Hall.”

Everyone regales in this discovery of serendipitous proportions. No one except for me, iTunes pop sensation Matt Nathanson and the shady dude who purchased an original Neil Lane key to the city bauble on Craig’s List seems to remember that this date was originally reserved for Nana’s Granddaughter.

Bygones is a big word for me.

Harry Cox and his wife challenge Groban and Lindzi to a carriage dual. There were several thoughts that went through my head as this action sequence unfolded.

1. Please don’t run over the dogs.

2. Harry Cox insisted that there be trash talk during the race. Will Groban be able to channel Emily’s thug gangster rap melodies? And will that be enough to vocally conquer a man who is undoubtedly proficient in the art of trash talking having dealt with a name like Harry Cox for his entire life? I can hardly stand it.

3. Do not attempt this at home without wearing a helmet. Safety first, kids.

4. Devon is one step away from sacrificing himself by dragging that carriage straight to the glue factory.

Mr. and Mrs. Harry Cox are the winners. The wagon, Mr. Cox’s daughter and Groban are all yolked together as they trudge through the grassy knolls of Florida, growing more and more bitter each step, literally pulling Lindzi’s parents all the way to the house. ABC is getting mighty bold with their metaphors, aren’t they?

Marge ignores the fire ant pile that’s building at a rapid pace under the coffee table and instead requests a private audience with Groban.

Groban: “Lindzi really did grow up around horses. I didn’t expect this!”
Mom: “We kept her away from boys and made her focus on horses and cheerleading. She was hurt really bad and has severe texting anxiety.”

A bit rattled, Groban moves on to Harry Cox.

Groban: “I’m not ready to propose. I have strong feelings for your daughter and would like your permission one day.”
Harry Cox: “She’s our only daughter. You’re a nice young man.”

Translation: “I can see my daughter dating Devon before I see her with you.”

Later, Harry Cox pours Groban a nice cocktail in a redneck wine glass. Think Mason jar with a stem. Repulsed, Groban is only able to overlook Harry Cox’s blatant disregard of a decanter (not to mention the proper drinkware) by focusing on Lindzi’s sexy belt buckle, tight fitting jeans and adorable dimple. They make out by Devon’s stable. I fast forwarded when they began rocking back and forth holding each other.

HOME TOWN DATE TWO
Kacie B.
Clarksville, Tennessee
Sweet, innocent, young, adorkable Kacie B. took to the 50-yard-line of Buster Boguskie Stadium with her secret weapon once again. That’s right ladies and gentlemen: The baton made another appearance. This time, it was accompanied by an ill-fitting billowy orange blouse, a black unitard with a questionable crotchal region and 30 kids from Stratford High School who needed extra credit in order to pass for the semester. I may be reaching since the ensemble was a little weak in the brass section, but it appeared that Kacie B. executed a lovely illusion, after her first toss turnaround, to the jaunty tune of “Last Train to Clarksville” originally introduced to the world by the poetic stylings of The Monkees. Even though her presentation was less than stellar, she gets full points for sheer chutzpah alone.

I too spent many a day on the 50-yard-line, high kicking, jump splitting and generally spreading Bobcat spirit in the peak of my high school career. With that said, there’s only one way ABC could convince me to set foot on that grassy field during a home town date. I would insist that I recreate the infamous 1992 Homecoming fence routine in which I suffered my first knee ligament tear. Our Host Chris Harrison would play the part of the 110-pound Freshman water boy who carried me off the field. We’ll omit the part when the other 110-pound Freshman had to come help his buddy because he couldn’t pick me up by himself.

Details is a big word for me.

Instead of leading Groban under the bleachers, Kacie B. settles him under the press box in the stadium and cracks open a bottle of wine, giggling the entire time.

Groban: “What’s so funny?”
Kacie B.: “This is the first time I’ve ever done this.”

Groban: “Had a drink at the stadium?”
Kacie B.: “Had a drink in Tennessee. Daddy is a federal probation officer and doesn’t drink. I know everyone in this town since Buster Boguskie is my Grandpappy. What I’m saying is…there are eyes and ears EVERYWHERE. I’ll be your Natalie if you’ll be my James Dean. Let’s get snockered.”

Groban admits that he’s already arriving at bat with a strike since his business is booze and the Officer frowns upon such nonsense. Ironically, he chooses a bottle of wine to break the ice with Kacie’s parents while the parents choose to get really crazy by making everyone eat on the same side of the dining room table. Kacie B. understands that a serious talk is inevitable and she rushes to find sanctuary with her one-sleeved sister Allison B.

KB: “Ally B…that’s totally my future husband out there.”
AB. (stifling a laugh): “With that hair? Er…I mean…why do you think so?”

KB: “Because I’m tired of listening to what people tell me to do. Daddy is skeptical because he doesn’t take any risks. I’m a world traveler now. You just wait until they see footage of me snow skiing down a street in San Francisco backwards … in a bikini.”
AB: “I don’t get it. Was it a baboon skit?”

Kacie B.’s talk with her father did not go as planned when he refused to give his blessing. The Officer did a great job cutting through the reality show crap and basically told his daughter and her wine maker friend that he was not on board with this “forum” of dating and encouraged Groban to cut his daughter loose before she gets hurt.

Groban: “One of my fears is that I don’t make the right decision. I have strong feelings for your daughter and other women in this process.”

Clearly, this was not the most ideal way to win over the Officer.

Kacie B.’s mother was on a similar page.

Mom B: “Our children have always been with us. We’ve never allowed babysitters. I want to be the one to teach him. I’ve watched the show and know that in the end, they always decide to move in together. That would disappoint me greatly.”

The ABC producers begin to twitch wildly, knowing that without booze and cohabitation, Groban is seconds away from peacing out of Tennessee. Who will twirl the baton in the finale now?!

The bottom line is this: The B family was sincerely concerned for their daughter’s well being and was not willing to play any games on national television when it came to the sensitive needs of their kid. They were honest, made their intentions known to both Groban and KB and held firm to their convictions as Ally B. giggled in the corner having cracked open the forbidden fermented fruit of the Flajnik family winery. I admire that.

HOME TOWN DATE THREE
Nicki
Fort Worth, Texas
While driving down the steer-infested streets of the Fort Worth Stockyards, Groban professes his love for Texas just as so many wise men have done before him. He loves the horses, the cows, the ambiance, the state flags waving in the breeze…and…wait for it…give me a second…it will come to me…Nicki! Yes, Nicki is her name and she appears to be suffering from the same unfortunate crotchal region situation as Kacie B. even though she was NOT wearing a unitard. Groban is easy to spot in the sea of tourists since his mop top is sans 10-gallon-hat and she rushes to tackle him in a warm embrace and share what I believe to be the couple’s first kiss.

Groban’s usual bland-colored tee and grey skinny jeans were a close hot mess match to Nicki’s horizontal striped off-the-shoulder top. I admire her clear effort to pay homage to both “Flashdance” and “Urban Cowboy” simultaneously, but she wasn’t pulling it off. Keeping with their “When in Rome” outfit exchange tradition, Nicki insists they cowboy suit up at the nearest boot shop. Groban managed to out dork himself by switching his boring tee with the most drab pair of skinny grey jeans, black pearl-snap shirt and felt black hat. Even though it was evident he was struggling to embrace the ambiance, he looked ridiculous. Nicki opted for a more bedazzled look with a kicky, glitter top. Later at the local watering hole, Groban nearly missed his Tom Collins flying down the salt-covered bar when the shine from the grease in his hair hanging from the front of his Stetson reflected off the sequins causing a momentary impairment of vision. That was close! That straw might have put his eye out!

Nicki reminds us of both her name and her failed marriage. Riiiiight! She’s the divorced one.

Nicki: “I don’t want to beat a dead horse or anything, but I want to talk about my divorce again. Can you hand me that Louisville Slugger?”
Groban: “I think it’s good. I need to know details to gauge how much emotional baggage you have. I mean, are we talking carry on? Or full out matching luggage set?”

Nicki’s parents appear to be very normal. She is attacked by her mother with a death grip and the two run off to the bedroom to gab about sultry surfer hair, wineries in Sonoma and potential dates for a June wedding. Later, her father practically blames himself for his daughter’s failed first marriage and promises to be more cautious the next time he gives her hand away. There was a lot of talk about pain and flying the coop and protection. It was very sweet.

Nicki takes Groban up to her old room, confessing that she just had the best day of her entire life.

Delusional is a big word for me.

Nicki drops the “L” word right there on her Ralph Lauren comforter. That’s when I noticed Groban looks at her differently than he does the other girls. I think he’s confused about Lindzi’s foundation choices and spends most of his time wondering why a girl so cute wears so much makeup. I think he’s affectionate towards Kacie B…much like a loveable Jack Russell Terrier. I think he lusts after Courtney and her beguiling ways. And I think he finds contentment in Nicki’s undying vow to always put him up on a pedestal.

I’m not sure she’s the future Mrs. Groban though.

HOME TOWN DATE FOUR
Courtney the Model
Scottsdale, Arizona
Courtney’s agent explains the ins and outs of the deliciousness known as the “Women Tell All” and strongly encourages her client to take whatever means necessary to right all the wrong behavior that was on full frontal display during her time in the mansion with the other contestants. The model apologizes for treating the other girls badly and admits that she only fought hard because Groban is worth fighting for.

Groban arrives at the house with Courtney and we meet a long lost Kardashian sister, a father in a sweater vest and a Mom who is one face lift away from blinking her own lips. The crowd ventures out for cocktails on the veranda where Courtney talks to her family as if Groban isn’t sitting directly to her right.

The Model: “I like this guy a lot. He’s smart, funny and I dig him. I’m falling.”
LL Kardashian: “You ARE falling or you HAVE fallen?”
The Model: “I like love him.”

Due to Courtney’s preference for baby talk dictation and the over abundance of the word “like” on this show, I’m unsure if she meant she, like, loved him or she like/loved him. I choose like/love since an entire foe wedding was created for the big “I LOVE YOU” reveal moment, but I can’t, like, be sure.

Mom: “I’m a fan of experimenting with any and all beautification products sold legitimately or on the Black Market. But I’m not sold on this kid.”

Courtney takes her Kardashian to a bedroom where a photo canvas at least measuring 16×20 of The Model is dominantly displayed in the background. They talk about love, appreciation, respect and skinny dipping.

Meanwhile, Courtney’s father has a heart-to-heart with Groban.

Dad: “Son, marriage is life’s greatest gamble. You have a 50-percent chance of success. Are you ready to make that bet?”
Groban: “Winning.”

Courtney takes Groban to a park down the road. As luck would have it, they are staging the gazebo for a wedding. She shares with Groban that she could see herself getting married in that same exact spot one day. Then she pulls out a paper bow tie for him to wear and a spiral bound full of loose leaf notebook paper so he can write down his vows. She scoots down a few rows so he can’t see that she’s already janked her vows from Carrie Bradshaw. Groban plays along and puts pen to paper.

Groban’s Vows
From the moment I laid my eyes upon you
I thought to myself, “She has nice boobs.”
You bewitched me on the beach when I saw your bare booty.
But there are red flags with your tendency to be moody.
Stepping back to reality, you’re body’s hard to dismiss.
Can you take me seriously with my hair like this?
And now we’re getting married and I just want to shout!
You know any normal person would totally freak out.

Courtney’s Vows
Call agent
Invite Jesse Metcalfe to WTA after party
Touch hair
Return rain coat to Steinmart
Emily = skank
Lick lips
Ask Groban what hair products he uses
Never purchase those hair products
Put homemade ring on Groban’s finger
Tell him you love him
Pay Eddie $50 for posing as minister
Winning

ROSE CEREMONY
For the next 20 minutes, Groban walks us down memory lane through four hazy flashbacks that spell out the intricate details of home town dates we literally just experienced less than an hour ago. By my count, he was wearing at least 12 variations of grey. The only thing that kept me from punching my fist through my computer screen was Our Host Chris Harrison basking the romantic glow of the candlelit hotel foyer that had been transformed into a makeshift de-briefing room for his postmortem session with our Bachelor.

HotterThanCrap is a big word for me.

I was saddened to see that the Pier One Photo Frame Bureau had been replaced with the Pier One Photo Frame Table, but the flicker in Harrison’s eye pulled me out of my doldrums and we headed to the rose ceremony.

With wardrobe budgets at bare minimum this late in the game, the cocktail dresses were awful. Lindzi subliminally tells Groban that they are a match by wearing a grey, drab dress. Courtney wears the same frock she wore when handing out statues at the 2008 Golden Globes. Nicki was in an ill-fitting black cocktail number and Kacie B. looked as if she was planning to tell Groban that she had a bun in the oven and he was the baker.

Groban hands the first rose to Courtney. I believe the sound you heard was three sets of teeth grinding. Lindzi is honored next and she is followed by a long, dramatic pause before our Bachelor calls Nicki up for her coveted bud.

Our Host asks bids Kacie B. adieu and instructs the other ladies to say their final farewells. And that’s when this happened:

Apart from the Kardashian sister spilling the beans to their parents that Courtney and Groban had skinny dipped in Puerto Rico, this was the funniest part of the show. Thanks to IHGB reader Julie for sending this shot to me!

At this point in the game, the heart break-er escorts the heart break-ee to a convenient piece of furniture in decent lighting and waxes on and off about what went wrong and how he/she is a great person but there is more chemistry with other contestants. Groban walks behind Kacie B., sighs when she sits down on a bench and mumbles “I’m sorry.” It was the only explanation uttered before our little administrative assistant was shoved in the rejection limo bound for Tennessee. Although no actual tears descended from her ducts, several facial contortions lead us to believe that Kacie B. was experiencing some sort of angst. This hypothesis was confirmed when high pitched squeaking issued forth from her throat which was later translated to: “What the *BLEEP* just happened?”

The ABC Psychotherapist provides a lovey that smells like night time before tucking her into the back seat with her binky and baton. Don’t worry Kacie B. You’re 24-years-old. I’m pretty sure you’ll bounce back.

Next week, Groban takes the ladies to Switzerland. Who’s with me when I predict Courtney will do something kinky with lederhosen and melted chocolate? Anyone?

Remember to send me pictures of your watching parties!  It’s not too late to be included in the super cool finale surprise!

I’m all about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

Thank goodness last night’s episode showcased a high school marching band and a fake wedding.  Otherwise it would have been the equivalent of watching traffic court on your local public access television station.

Somehow, I managed to cobble together an article for the Huffington Post.  Check it out HERE and come back later this afternoon for the recap.

PS:  Groban’s hair was as ridiculous as his cowboy outfit.  Discuss.

 

Nothing says “Happy Valentine’s Day” like celebrating the forced confession of love from an assortment of barefoot hopefuls battling for the coveted rose bud of a mundane Bachelor who is vying for the affection of a pouty mouth swimsuit model. It’s reassuring to assume that Hallmark probably has a special section in their store for these people.

I’ve been sitting here, staring at a blank page for several minutes, trying to figure out what in the world I’m going to write. When nothing came to mind, my thoughts morphed into trying to figure out if there was ever another time I watched an episode of The Bachelor and barely took notes. It was probably “The Great Sinus Infection of 2007,” but that shouldn’t count because the pounding in my head made it impossible for me to concentrate on Lieutenant Andy Baldwin’s journey to find love that lifted him up to where he belonged. I have no excuse this time. Even Harrison, who can turn a humdrum episode around with a single twinkle in his eye and flash of his signature grin practically phoned in his performance. It’s pretty bad when “gorgeous sunset” is the most riveting phrase in my notes. And this episode even had sharks.

Knowing that this season is already going down in franchise history as mediocre at best, I had an idea that will hopefully inject some life into the finale recap. The idea came to me after I received a fun picture from a reader in Huntsville, Alabama. Winnie sent me a photo of a Bachelor watching party at her house. A few days later, reader Meagan posted a photo of her friends covering their eyes when Courtney was doing something cringe-worthy on my Facebook page. I absolutely LOVE seeing these watching parties! I’m officially extending a formal invitation for anyone and everyone to keep sending photos of your watching party my way via email, Facebook or Twitter. I’m going to do something special with them for the finale. At least we’ll have SOMETHING to look forward to!

With that out of the way, it’s time for me to press onward. Enough procrastinating. If I have to make up this recap (and let’s face it…I typically do) I will find some sort of redeeming quality to share with the masses. I am a professional for heaven’s sake.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you poked on Facebook happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the niece/former classmate of someone who is obsessed with the Hunger Games trilogy and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

The last time we were in Belize as a Bachelor family, it was season four. Bob Guiney chose Estella, got down on one knee and promised to love her enough to one day in the distant future propose with a four-carat Neil Lane sponsored diamond ring.

They broke up moments later.

Now it’s Groban’s turn to choose the hot girl over all the others and promise a lifetime of joy in the vineyard before Hollywood eventually comes knocking, dashing his dreams when his beloved dumps him to star in the Original Lifetime Movie “Oh Snap – Everyone Loves A Winner” in which Meredith Baxter Birney will play Courtney’s aggressive figure skating coach, pushing her to Olympic greatness.

Our Bachelor has narrowed down the field to five girls and one super model. He’s not ready to profess his love to anyone yet, but his insecurities are more than willing to have love and affection poured on him since this week’s roses mark the lucky four who will have the privilege of introducing him to their families.

The ABC graphics department fills some time by providing a convenient cartoon map which uses dotted lines to trace the flight from Puerto Rico to Belize. Brilliant. That killed approximately 30 seconds.

The girls arrive at their sweet mansion in various styles of sleeveless dresses and are overcome by their lavish living quarters and amazing view of the beach. Wait. Harrison just entered the room. That explains the glazed over look and dropped jaws. His freshly pressed royal blue shirt can do that to a girl. Even through a television. Did I type that out loud?

Our Host reminds the ladies that this week leads to home town dates and encourages everyone to make the most of their time with Groban. There will be three one-on-one dates and one group date. Only one rose will be handed out and that’s on the group date. Courtney reads the first date card out loud to the group.

First One-On-One
Lindzi
“To Halves Make a Hole”
(This is not a typo. It’s clever word play. Hang in there with me people. We’ve only just begun.)

Groban arrives at the beach house to find all the ladies sunbathing by the shore in their colorful bikinis. Even though Groban admits that he’s not willing to tell anyone about his feelings of love, I found it odd that he was willing to wear the most feminine blue and white striped tank top I’ve ever seen on a man who is not admittedly gay, peeking out of the closet or in the wings ready to take the stage in a rousing rendition of “In the Navy” at Club Boi in Miami Beach.

Lindzi pretends to not notice the darling wee pocket on his girly tank top as he escorts her over to the waiting helicopter. Emily makes some weird comparison that Groban is like cheesecake and I look at my watch. We’re 22 minutes in to this two hour life sucker. Hooray.

Groban and Lindzi hover around a few islands and then end up above a formation that looks like a circle. Groban explains that this is known as the “Blue Hole” and they are going to strip out of their Anthropologie tanks, hold hands and jump from the chopper into the waiting blue sea below. To no one’s surprise, Lindzi announces that she is super afraid of heights and must count on our Bachelor to help her through this life changing moment. To everyone’s surprise, Groban reveals that he shaves his arm pits and must count on Lindzi to provide tips on which razors leave the least amount of razor burn. They agree that their relationship is about to take a new direction, kiss for luck and fling themselves out of the open door.

Lindzi: “I don’t know how I was able to do that. The only thing I can think of is that he’s worth the fall.”
Lincee: “I don’t know how you managed to keep your strapless bathing suit top on. But the bigger mystery is how you don’t look like a soaked raccoon? You applied eyeliner for 10 minutes in your ‘getting dressed for my date’ montage. Is it made of tar? Curiouser and curiouser.”

As with Groban tradition, he paddles over to Lindzi and they attempt to make out while treading water. After nearly drowning a few times, they swim over to the yacht and make out some more. Later, Groban drives Lindzi in a boat to a pier that has a million candles surrounding a picnic. He’s back to his comfort zone, wearing a blue v-neck and army pants. She’s trying to keep America from seeing all her business as she maneuvers on the ground in a skin-tight pink cocktail dress. They talk about taking a leap of faith together. He chooses not to mention that he already did that spelunking with Jennifer the Red Head before dumping her. She concludes by admitting that she wants to take a leap with her heart as well and would love to take him to meet her horse. And her family.

Groban pulls a bottle, pen and paper from behind a decorative pillow. The producers have instructed them to “write their story” on the paper, shove the memory into the belly of the bottle and then hurl it into the placid sea where it will undoubtedly be retrieved from someone vacationing in the cabana next door.

Groban: “Should we draw an illustration?”
Lincee: “Oh please yes!”
Lindzi: “Maybe we should draw something fun on one side and then write something serious on the other side.”

Groban writes an epic fairytale second only to Homer’s “The Odyssey” in length. The poor post-production crew had approximately two minutes of compiled footage of the Grobe and Lindzi to fill a five-minute voiceover as he read the story. Don’t ask me to recall what he said. I was distracted by the fact that there were three moments where Groban and Lindzi were together and they played them over and over again. We can only watch the inaugural cocktail party entrance on her horse in slow motion so many times before it becomes just plain sad.

Second One-On-One
Emily
“Do You Belize in Love?”

Upon hearing her arch nemesis’ name on the date card, Courtney begins to whine about the unfair rules of this dating show. She wallows in “her worst nightmare” and concludes that group dates just plain suck.

Emily, in a darling blue dress, looks forward to spending the day with Groban and hopes that Courtneygate is water under the bridge. She hops on a puddle jumper and the next thing we see is Groban bent over, butt facing the camera at a particularly unfortunate angle as Emily’s plane lands in the middle of a field.

Because I’m an awesome person and have no reason to blatantly waste your time, I’ve decided that Emily’s date will be compressed into one of my easy-to-read beta caps. You may thank me one day when we meet in person.

Bike riding. Beautiful landscaping. Coconut juice sucking. Basketball dribbling. Beer drinking. Ring shopping. Sight seeing. Street dancing. Eight-grade-dance styling. Lincee yawning. Life experiencing. Lobster spying. Groban buying. Lobster guy denying. Lincee laughing. Television crew spotting. Lobster guy agreeing. Boat jetting. Bland t-shirt peeling. Bikini revealing. Snorkel masking. Lobster catching. Lobster losing. Lobster cursing. Lobster catching. Emily swooning. Lobster pinching. Lincee laughing. Sun setting. Lazy Lizard lounging. Bongo drumming. Matthew McConaughey reminiscing. Hall of Fame scrolling. Back to recapping. Home town conversing. Strong connecting. Groban nodding. Home town invitation extending. Toast proposing. “You’re smart” complimenting. Red flag flying. Soft kissing. Tongue thrusting. Fast forwarding. Watch checking. One hour left loathing.

The scene changes to Courtney journaling in her bed about how she feels irritated that Emily is on a date with Groban. She doesn’t understand how Groban could do such a thing to her after Emily treated her so badly. She hasn’t had a one-on-one since Sonoma and has decided that if she is stuck in another group date, she will not be accepting a rose from Groban.

The door bell rings and Lindzi retrieves the date card.

Third One-On-One
Courtney
“Let’s Take the Next Step in Our Relationship”

Courtney: “OH SNAP! He hasn’t forgotten about me. I knew it!”

Kacie B. drops a choice explicative and then compares Courtney to a black widow spider.

KB: “It took every freaking fiber of my being to not spring across the room, punch her in face before opening a can of TENNESSEE STYLE whoop A$$.”

Groban picks Courtney up from her helicopter in a bright red v-neck and bland pants. She’s in tiny denim shorts and a green tank top. The producers have arranged for the dynamic duo to climb an old Mayan temple that features roughly 348 steps to the top. My knee hurt just looking at the steep incline. Courtney tells the camera that the spark has fizzled. Ironically, Groban admits that he’s falling in love with Courtney.

They reach a point on the temple in which oxygen is required and decide to set up the picnic. The ABC Intern has taken his script notes and folded it back and forth into a paper fan for Courtney. She dismisses him with an air kiss he will keep in his pocket for eternity. Then she rips Groban a new one. In her best baby talk of course.

Courtney: “I had a tough day yesterday. I was hard for me to know you were with Emily. She’s the one that said nasty things. If I didn’t get a one-on-one, I wouldn’t accept rose. Not going to bring someone home if I don’t know where we’re at. It was so good in the beginning. Now I feel like I am with a friend. I’ve lost the spark Babe.”
Translation: “DANCE MONKEY! DANCE!”

Groban: “I was in your shoes once. I respect it more that you tell me these things. I like you. I am amazed that you’ve been able to hang on. I want a woman with a little bit of edge. I want someone who is weird. I think I’m strange (Lincee insert: AMEN) I’m unique and need someone like that.”
Translation: “Please hang on at least until the forgo card fantasy suite date.”

Once again, our Bachelor has been Bentley’d.

Courtney rambles on about how with each step up the ruin she left behind a little bit of hurt and drama. Groban thinks about his Dad. Courtney tries to figure out a way to include “Mayan Temple Dominator” under “special achievements” on her acting resume.

That night, Courtney continues to work the puppet strings and somehow makes Groban beg for the opportunity to meet her family. She reassures that, for now, the spark has been reignited and then drops the phrase “soul mate” to a beaming Bachelor.

Groban: “I believe in soul mates too. First Ashley. Now you. I picture you in my life and had a crazy moment of clarity up on that mountain.”

Cut to Courtney’s talking head, telling the other girls that the show’s over and for them to pack their brightly colored bags. Then she finger guns the camera man. And rotates to execute a kill shot.

Not familiar with the kill shot? Watch this. Kill shot explained at mark 1:04. An added bonus can be found at mark 1:27. Not only am I a blogger, but I believe in pop culture education as well.

Courtney lies to Groban by telling him that she’s tried to be friends with all the girls from day one, but nothing happens. Instead of being sad or mad about it, she reveals that she’s just bored by their overall blandness.

As if Groban isn’t currently wearing an entire ensemble showcasing the various shades of khaki inspired by zookeepers and those who fought in Operation Iraqi Freedom.

Courtney: “These women are vanilla. It’s exhausting when you have to live with them.”
Groban: “You don’t have any friends?”
Courtney: “Not everyone is lucky enough to have a Constantine.”

Groban admits that Courtney’s inability to bond with women is a bit of a red flag.

Courtney: “Do you know what my job is?”
Groban: “Totally. Swimsuit model.”

Courtney: “I’m the TALENT and have to make everyone happy. That means I have to adapt. I’m not impressed with these women…or girls. Do I need this? No. Are you worth it? We’ll see.”

Groban wises up and sticks his tongue down her throat before she pulls away and saunters off to flirt with the fan boy and then sacrifice him to the temple gods.

Group Date
Rachel
Nicki
Kacie B.
“Let’s Sea Whose Family I Will Meet”
(Was the ABC Intern on fire last night or what?!)

Groban breaks into the lady mansion (that is not a sexual innuendo for anything you dirty people) and tip toes to the beds of Rachel, Nicki and Kacie B. He instructs them to put on a bathing suit and meet him outside but the girls selectively hear, “Shave everything from head to toe, slap on some make up and curl your hair.” It took them so long to get ready, that the sun came up. Groban is lounging on a catamaran when the ladies join him for a day full of shark diving. Nicki screams just like the time she was at a Back Street Boys concert in Junior High. Kacie B. screams just like the time she was at a Bieber concert in Junior High. Rachel musters up a look of sheer terror before wallowing in her own dumb luck that she happened to snag the shark swimming date and she is super, duper afraid of sharks. She’s even fearful that sharks will bite her in lakes as well as oceans.

Let’s choose to ignore the fact that her primary school education failed her in defining fresh water versus salt water marine life and stick to the theme of scared women overcoming their phobias with Groban by their side. May I suggest to future contestants that you answer the “fear” portion on your application by stating something along the lines of:

- I have a strong aversion to romantic dinners on the beach.
- I avoid pimped out yachts at all costs.
- I dislike fresh flowers with a passion.
- The last thing I want to do is get a stamp in my passport.
- I absolutely abhor the feel of diamonds on my bare skin.

Groban promises he’ll be by her side the entire time. Here’s hoping he promises never to wear that dingy shirt again. They throw chum out in the sparkling water, just waiting for the death eaters to make their move. Nicki and Kacie B. plunge into the sea without a hint of fear. They happily report that eight sharks are merrily swimming below.

I’m going to call a quick time out. Wasn’t it just a few seasons ago that one of our Bachelors swam with the sharks and the contestants were forced to sign a legal document that the network would not be held responsible should their head be bitten off before lowering themselves into a protective cage? Yet these fools are allowed to frolic around in the open water with nothing between them and a hungry shark but a thin piece of neon green Lycra?

I half expected Harrison to arrive and jump these sharks via water skis in a black leather jacket.

Nicki and Kacie B. become bored with the wildlife and decide that complaining about Rachel monopolizing Groban’s time with her scaredy cat ways is more productive.

Later, the group heads to the rattan furniture for an afternoon of piña coladas. Groban takes each girl aside, providing them privacy when they confess their true love for him. Rachel never admits love, but does acknowledge that she finds him super cool and would love to introduce him to her family. Nicki discloses that she wants her parents to see for themselves why she’s falling hard for him. But Kacie B. goes for the jugular by placing a kicky pink flower in her hair, pulling Groban into the hot tub and confessing that she’s falling in love with him and wants her family to see all the wonderful things she sees. Naturally, she gets the date rose.

In an opposite than dramatic so let’s call it an ordinary twist, we discover that the rattan furniture is actually the outdoor patio for the lady mansion and Courtney has witnessed the entire rose exchange go down from the balcony above.

Courtney: “I’m not worried about Kacie B. She’s a little girl in a little boy’s body.”

She leaves the balcony at the annoyance of the producers because moments later, Kacie B. and Nicki both warn Groban about “someone” in the group who is “not here for the right reasons.”

KB: “More than anything, we want you to be happy.”
Nicki: “This is really serious. We care so much about you. We see so much and care about you possibly getting hurt. It’s hard not to say something.”
Groban: “Okay. Then say something.”

Nicki: “Be cautious about Courtney.”
KB: “Tread lightly.”
Groban: “Hey. That’s my line.”

ROSE CEREMONY
Everyone arrives to the rose ceremony in their favorite maxi dress and bare feet. All are served fruity, tropical drinks. Emily initiates the “who’s feeling confident tonight?” conversation and it takes two seconds for Courtney to ruffle the ladies’ feathers, including the several hanging from Rachel’s ear lobe.

Courtney: “I’m feeling good. I have an umbrella in my drink with a cherry on a toothpick, I’m in Belize. OH! IT TASTES SO GOOD WHEN IT HITS YOUR LIPS! I’m not on the same page as you guys. I’m not feeling somber. My glass if half full. Besides, Groban’s not the ONLY guy in the world.”

Emily stage whispers to Nicki, “DID SHE JUST SAY GROBAN IS NOT THE ONLY GUY IN THE WORLD?” right as Harrison walks in looking as fabulous as one possibly can.

Harrison: “I know I’m not the man you were hoping to see.”
Lincee: “Please…”

Harrison: “I talked to Groban and he decided that he would wear a striped black and white tie with a shirt the color of fungus. Sometimes, you have to pick your battles. With that said, he asked me to tell you that his mind is made up and there will be no cocktail party tonight. I suggest you finish your rum-soaked drinks, put on your shoes and follow me to the pier.”
Ladies: “We didn’t wear shoes.”
Harrison: “Good Lord. I’m working with amateurs.”

Groban arrives looking ridiculous and immediately diffuses everything Harrison just said about being ready to send some girls packing by requesting a private audience with Courtney. She skips up to his side, he grabs her hand and they walk off behind a banana tree to discuss important topics.

Groban: “I need to know you are in this for real.”
Courtney: “Winner.”
Groban: “That’s good enough for me.”

Along with Kacie B., roses are handed out to Nicki, Lindzi and Courtney. She accepted her rose, returned to her assigned position by Emily, inhaled deeply over the opening of the bud and then gave Emily the biggest “suck it” look in the history of dirty looks.

Of course we all knew he would give Courtney the rose. But I have to admit that Emily was a bit of a shock. She conducted her reject interview with as much dignity as she could, wishing that she could have taken back her decision to tattle on Courtney. Then she started crying.

Don’t worry Em. You’re a smart girl. Who can gangster rap! You’re going places.

See ya on the Bachelor Pad Rachel!

So that’s it! Next week is the ever popular home town dates. Who do you think is going home? Can Groban handle the pressure? Remember to send me your Bachelor party watching pictures and remember…NO SPOILERS IN THE COMMENT SECTION PLEASE!

Until next week, I’m all about the fame, not the shame,

Lincee

We know the season is pretty abysmal when the most interesting thing that happens is saved for the quirky 30-second sound off at the end of the show.  Courtney casually picking up a tarantula as if it were a sweet cuddly kitten is proof that her insides are scrambled or she’s an ABC plant.  Give me an entire date filled with this freakishness and call me entertained.

What’s really sad is that this episode had both shark diving and lobster grabbing.  And I was still bored.  Bless all of their hearts.

As I take the time to figure out what in the world I’m going to write about, please check out “Lessons Learned from Week Seven” over at the Huffington Post by clicking HERE.  The recap will be up later this afternoon…fingers crossed that it’s longer than two paragraphs.