You are currently browsing the archives for the Bachelor Recaps category.


EW Community

Subscribe to I Hate Green Beans

Follow Me On Twitter

Find Me On Facebook

Archive for the ‘Bachelor Recaps’ Category

Bachelorette Andi: The ultrasound technician tells all

Tuesday, July 22, 2014 @ 01:07 AM
Author: Lincee

Most of you know I watched the Men Tell All episode with Some Guy in Austin. I’m proud to say that we both rolled our eyes at the same parts, laughed at the other’s jokes and cheered when we noticed that Dylan had finally washed AND CUT his hair. Mrs. Some Guy joined me behind a couch cushion during the creepy/stalker moments and now I’m writing from the most comfortable guest bed known to man. It doesn’t get much better than this.

Since I am technically on vacation, I decided to recap using Twitter and Facebook posts. I’m pretty confident with that decision since these were the only notes I took after watching two hours of men telling pretty much nothing we didn’t already know:

- Harrison looks hot
- Ashely’s boobs
- Live ultrasound?
- It’s a boy!
- Seriously, those boobs.
- I’m going to count the scarves.
- Wait…this is a bit. Everyone has a scarf.
- The Farmer refused to knot his scarf.
- Andrew controversy.
- Cookie pin?
- Marcus, Pants Guy and Random Guy I Can’t Remember all wearing red pants!
- Marcus, Marquel, Farmer all in hot seat.
- She’s totally a plant from the audience.
- Dylan likes blonds and isn’t ready for marriage.
- Josh lied twice.
- Alexis Colby Carrington

Men Tell All is traditionally boring, so my list is technically all you need to know. But in case you want more, here are the most popular posts from last night. Feel free to use them to help fill in the blanks.

LIVE ULTRASOUND
Ashely and JP took up 30 minutes of the entire show to share with America Ashley’s boobs the fact that they are moving to Miami! Huzzah! They also cut a slit in the side of Ashley’s dress to do an ultrasound on live television. She’s having a boy!

u1

u2

u3

u4

RED PANTS

Three different guys decided to channel their inner Ames and wear red pants. This seemed to set the social media scene a twitter. So we Tweeted.

red red 1

red1

red 2

MAN SCARVES

All the men wore scarves when Our Host Chris Harrison introduced them. And even though this was a gag, another fashion trend emerged.

1

2

ANDI IN THE HOT SEAT

Andi may have worn a sequined top as a dress last night, but she certainly looked great. She was in the hot seat for five seconds before heading out to a super secret door marked “private” where Our Host Chris Harrison gave her a note (legit 8th grade college ruled notebook paper note) from one of her guys. It was supposed to be ominous, but it was ridiculously staged. Did I mention that I miss Ames?

1

2

HIDING BEHIND SEAT CUSHIONS

ABC planted a girl in the audience to “interrupt” Our Host to tell him that she sort of kind of liked The Farmer. Harrison brought her down to the hot seat and suggested they speed date during the commercial. I may have choked on my own tongue and probably have permanent eye damage from shoving my fingers in the sockets.

1

2

That about sums up the night. There was a lot of pimping out of the new Bachelor Paradise show that starts in two weeks. I found it odd that the new Bachelor wasn’t announced, which makes me think that the next Bachelor is somehow connected to this germy spin-off. Something fishy is definitely going on.

Of course, it’s going to be fabulous and I can’t wait!

‘Bachelorette Andi’ Men Tell All

Monday, July 21, 2014 @ 11:07 AM
Author: Lincee

It’s Men Tell All tonight people! Get pumped. Hopefully these men will tell all of what they were thinking about the following:

1. What was the deal with the scarves?
2. How did we go an entire season without a hot tub scene?
3. Does Our Host Chris Harrison really smell like power tools, lemon grass and respect?
4. When Andi wore denim panties, did that spark Daisy Duke flashbacks?
5. Those times that Andi said, “Sttaaaaaauuuuupppp.” Did you ever respond, “Goooooooooo.”
6. For contestants participating on Bachelor Paradise, did you get your shots yet?

I will be Tweeting during the show tonight, although it will not be live. I’ll be about an hour behind. Feel free to join me! Those Tweets that make me laugh out loud will be featured on the website tomorrow! And for those who don’t Tweet, feel free to Facebook or email me.

Yes I’m asking you to do my recap for me because I’m on vacation! Woo hoo!

See y’all tonight on social media!

Lincee

See anyone we know?

Friday, July 18, 2014 @ 06:07 PM
Author: Lincee

Bachelorette Andi: A picture recap is worth a thousand words

Tuesday, July 15, 2014 @ 08:07 AM
Author: Lincee

I hope that adage is true, because this season’s forgo card fantasy suite episode was a SNOOZE FEST. Instead of boring you with plebeian details of Andi’s attraction to two boys and her affection for one manly farmer, I decided to evaluate the night using amateur photos taken with my iPhone. Let’s start at the very beginning.

Andi arrives in the Dominican Republic. I know it’s the Dominican Republic because she told me a least a dozen times in the opening montage. It’s the perfect place to fall in love, wear a side ponytail and narrow down her dating life from a trio to a duo.

Screen shot 2014-07-14 at 11.25.26 PM

One suitcase. That’s all it takes. All she needs is a formal rose ceremony dress, 27 mis-matched bikinis, a pair of denim panties and several billowy tops. That should hold her for the next 48 hours for sure.

Screen shot 2014-07-14 at 11.26.21 PM

The first 15 minutes of the show were reserved for reflection time. Who is Andi? Is there more to Josh? Is Nick hiding something? Should The Farmer get dinner before he gets the boot?

These are things we must ponder before getting to the first fantasy date. Nick scored one-on-one time with Andi on a private beach. Naturally they have to take a helicopter to get there. And then this happened.

Screen shot 2014-07-14 at 11.24.41 PM

Those pesky Madonna mics always get in the way when trying to make out with someone in a helicopter. You’d think they would have figured that out by now. Nick is super excited because he’s never been in a helicopter before. They take in the scenery.

Screen shot 2014-07-14 at 11.23.55 PM

This shot resulted in a clever reTweet from Tracie who originally Tweeted Erin:

Screen shot 2014-07-14 at 11.46.10 PM

My thoughts exactly my friend. Kudos to the ABC Intern for going above and beyond.

Nick and Andi spend the entire day on the beach. Andi thinks Nick has a hot body and reveals that their chemistry is so passionate, it’s like adult romance.

jim_halpert2

Huh. As opposed to teenage romance? Or did she mean adult romance novel? I’m not sure where she was going, but I felt confident that we were about to experience a “From Here to Eternity” beach moment. We did not. Instead, she quizzed him on heartbreak and I counted how many times he used the word “like” in his answer. He has surpassed Andi, with a record-breaking 47. I made that number up, but I’m confident it is close to accurate. MOVING ON!

After snorkeling, Andi and Nick head to dinner. Nick was wearing red pants.

Screen shot 2014-07-14 at 11.28.08 PM

Come on dude. Why would you even go there? Red pants are SACRED wardrobe territory. I give you Ames.

Screen shot 2014-07-14 at 11.56.10 PM

And I give you Ames.

amesbrownhimalayas-2772829919576820754

Where was I?

Right. Nick and his book. According to our red pant poser, one of the normal things to do as a guy from the Midwest pursuing a girl is to write her a story. I didn’t believe him for a second. So I asked the Twitterverse for confirmation.

Screen shot 2014-07-15 at 12.00.16 AM

And these were my two favorite responses:

Screen shot 2014-07-15 at 12.00.04 AM

Nick presents Andi with a story/book he wrote for her, complete with watercolor drawings of their fairytale. She LOVED every second of it. I fast forwarded every second of it. She rewards him with a kiss and then Nick pulls her away to a tree to tell her all the things that he loves about her, before wrapping up his epic monolog with a simple, “I love you.” She reciprocated by pressing him up against a palm tree.

Screen shot 2014-07-14 at 11.21.31 PM

You may recall, it’s her go-to move with Nick.

Picture2

She grabs his pockets. He grabs her butt. I grab the remote. Let’s move on to Josh!

Screen shot 2014-07-14 at 11.20.40 PM

I’m sorry this screen shot does not adequately portray the ridiculousness of these shorts. You’ll have to trust me when I say they looked inside out.

Andi decides to take Josh around town so she can figure out if he has a serious side. They mingle with street vendors and one convinces Josh to purchase this:

Screen shot 2014-07-14 at 11.18.31 PM

Josh smiles, take a shot mixed with this stuff and then speaks perfect Spanish to the vendors. Andi’s head explodes. ¡Ay, caramba! Muy caliente! She picks her jaw up off the ground as Josh drags her to the middle of the street to dance.

1. We all know Andi can’t dance.
2. How many times will they make her dance this season?
3. She doesn’t care as long as Josh whispers sweet Spanish nothings in her ear.

Andi takes Josh to a Dominican Republic version of a Little League baseball field. Since he knows the game, and he speaks the language, every one of the little boys in the entire village immediately fall in love with him.

Screen shot 2014-07-14 at 11.17.09 PM

I may have heard Andi’s uterus quiver.

Josh seals the “is he serious?” deal at dinner by telling Andi that she would be a great Mom and that he can’t wait to get married and have a family. She goes through the formality of handing him a skeleton key and the forgo card that was clearly NOT written by Our Host Chris Harrison so they can get to know each other better (read: test the accuracy of the Mamajuana.) The ABC Intern arranges for some fireworks to be set off just as they arrive at the fantasy suite. It’s the least he could do since Nick scored an entire day on a private beach.

Screen shot 2014-07-14 at 11.23.07 PM

Andi and Josh head to the pool.

Screen shot 2014-07-14 at 11.14.08 PM

Note: Your teeth should not be brighter than the Day-Glo trim of your swim trunks.

DATE THREE!

Screen shot 2014-07-15 at 12.24.04 AM

Note: Jeeps are hot. And anyone driving one is therefore hot too.

The Farmer pulls up to greet Andi and she hugs him with the affection of a distant relative who just gave her a savings bond at her bat mitzvah. This does not bode well for our farming friend.

They stroll down a path and find two horses at the end.

Screen shot 2014-07-14 at 10.22.27 PM

Andi, knowing what the date entails because she is the bachelorette, has chosen her white pair of denim panties and a reconstructed oversize scarf as her wardrobe of choice for this endeavor. The Farmer helps her up on her horse and gives her basic Riding 101 before traveling the countryside to take in the local agriculture.

Let me be clear. This:

Screen shot 2014-07-14 at 11.23.07 PM

is not even in the same vicinity as this:

Screen shot 2014-07-14 at 10.35.01 PM

That’s a water buffalo by the way. I Googled it.

They arrive at the designated old log in the middle of nowhere for their picnic. Andi talks about how wonderful his family is and that she loved meeting them. And then for some unknown reason, The Farmer suggests they play Ghost in the Graveyard.

While Nick was doing this:

Screen shot 2014-07-14 at 11.21.31 PM

And Josh was doing this:

Screen shot 2014-07-14 at 11.16.12 PM

The Farmer was doing this:

Screen shot 2014-07-14 at 11.28.58 PM

Poor guy.

That night Andi takes him to bed. Literally.

Screen shot 2014-07-14 at 10.30.32 PM

She eases in to the conversation by asking what was his favorite part of the day? “GETTING CHIGGERS!” I screamed at the TV. Not so much. Instead The Farmer eloquently tells Andi that he’s in love with her and she is the one for him. She in turn says that he is not the one and it’s not because of Iowa. It’s because she’s just not feeling it from a foundation level. She can’t get her head and her heart on the same page.

The Farmer appreciates and respects her honestly. It’s harvest time and he needs to get back to the farm. That corn isn’t going to pick itself. He graciously leaves. No dinner. No hot tub. No tree kissing. Nothing.

Screen shot 2014-07-14 at 10.24.17 PM

He was this close to crying in the rejection limo, but he held it together. I’m quite confident he will be the next Bachelor if he wants the gig.

Andi puts on her flowiest hot pink caftan and hooks up with Our Host Chris Harrison in the makeshift Pier One Bureau room/veranda the last 15 minutes of the show to rehash the previous hour and 45 minutes. Long story short: if she had to do it again, Josh and Nick would be the final two standing.

The boys arrive in their island casual attire. Josh is sweating buckets. Nick is planning the last two chapters of his story. And both get roses from Andi.

Screen shot 2014-07-14 at 10.26.15 PM

That would have been The Farmer’s rejection dinghy. It’s a good thing she let him go the night before.

And then there were two. Remember, this is a spoiler-free zone. Who do you think she will choose next week? Will Nick get to finish his adult love story? Should Josh lay off the Crest White Strips for a few weeks? Do you think The Farmer will be the next bachelor? Is it possible for Andi to wear denim panties three weeks in a row? We shall see!