Archive for the ‘Bachelor Recaps’ Category
After six weeks, Jade and Tanner found love on Bachelor in Paradise. Mike Fleiss is smiling in a big pile of money as he watches his franchise continue to grow in potential success stories. Harrison has left the island for an undisclosed roomful of taut women in PG-Rated bikinis. No, he’s not traveling with a harem—he’s the emcee of the Miss America pageant airing this Sunday on your local ABC station! And Jorge has mixed his last drink and will go back to his extremely lucrative practice as a psychotherapist in Guadalajara.
Other than Samanthagate, the rise and fall of Carly/Kirk and the Great Exodus of Every Second Tier Player, I’d say this season was a victory! Allow me to give you the 4-1-1 on our season two Bachelor in Paradise finale:
Who knew that Ashley I-Lashes virginity would be the boring part that no one cares about on the finale eve of Bachelor in Paradise? We’ve come a long way, dear readers. Contestants are dropping like flies! Every half hour or so, someone leaves the island because they are confident that love is not in Paradise—no matter what Jorge says.
I was worried that with so many SUVs schlepping the rejected away, one of two things would happen:
A. Rejects would be forced to ride together to save gas.
B. Environmentalists would storm the palapa in protest, demanding that the big network consider their global footprint and stop sending huge SUVs all over Guadalajara every other minute.
Then I realized that the rejects are probably being shuttled down the road to the Holiday Inn and I decided to not care.
Things started off kind of awkward on Bachelor in Paradise. Juelia gets stung by a jellyfish and Tenley is the only one with a full bladder to save the day. Let me be clear—this was not the awkward part. If I had to, I’d pee on any one of you.
The awkward part is the fact that neither one thought that Tenley should pee in a cup and then pour the urine onto Juelia’s leg. Instead, Juelia wedges her ankle between Tenley’s legs as she squats on a toilet. I guess Tenly was too tired from digging the big hole to think clearly.
There are few things that make me stand up and hold my laptop over my head in triumph when it comes to watching Bachelor in Paradise. Joe being dumped on national television is certainly one of them. Ames showing up in crisp red pants is one too, but that’s another post of another day.
I have to brag a bit—I saw it coming when Our Host Chris Harrison called Samantha to the rose ceremony pedestal last after Amber gave her rose to Justin. Of course, I also thought in that moment that ABC was trying to fake me out by making me THINK that Samantha would pick Dan over Joe. When it happened, triumph ensued.
Between Joe’s rejection and Miley Cyrus’ pasties, The Twitterverse was on fire last night.