Archive for the ‘Bachelor Recaps’ Category
After the barrage of emotional meltdowns we witnessed starring the entire cast of The Bachelorette, I have little evidence pointing to the season 11 marketing ploy that Kaitlyn was the most fun choice of women vying to find true love. We were promised quirky dates, lots of laughter and crazy adventures. Seven episodes in, we’ve enjoyed panic attacks, running mascara and tension one could cut with a knife when Kaitlyn enters a room.
I imagine the sales guys over at Pfizer are frantically calling Fleiss right now, pitching Xanax as the official anti-anxiety medication of each rose ceremony. Maybe the ABC Psychotherapist could crunch some up and sprinkle it into the morning mimosas? Or maybe I should take one myself before watching?
Oh wait. I’m already doing that.
In a nutshell, nerves have officially been exposed and everyone is over-tired. The fact that Kaitlyn did the dirty dirty with Nick does not help her mental state. Let the record show that SHE DOES NOT FEEL GUILTY. She’s just reeeeeeeaaaaaalllllly nervous that people will find out. And by “people” I mean Gosling.
Let me refresh your memory in case you have forgotten where we left off last week. Here’s a quick beta cap from episode 6:
Ian complaining. Ian offending. Kaitlyn “Oh no you didn’t-ing.” Ian leaving. Nick swooping. Nicklyn snogging. Nick one-on-one-ing. Bird freaking. Nick protecting. Cathedral kissing. Lincee head shaking. More church kissing. Arch kissing. Suite inviting. Microphone recording. Couch kissing. Door slamming. Heavy breathing. MICROPHONE RECORDING. Rooster crowing. Nick smiling. Kaitlyn regretting. Balcony Mesnicking. Irish waking. Gosling brooding. Gosling door knocking. Kaitlyn eye widening. Stay tuning.
Since episode six was The Bachelorette episode that ABC teased since day one, the producers decided to grace us with 90 minutes of Nick groping Kaitlyn in pubs and cathedrals. We also had the audible pleasure of hearing Nick rounding second base before sliding into third. The statement rings were as prevalent as the hard surfaces Nick pushed Kaitlyn up against for a little PDA.
Guys walking off the set in a huff is soooooo yesterday. We’ve been there and done that. In order to keep viewers on our toes, ABC skips the two-on-one date entirely in lieu of airing footage of Gosling melting down to his handler. Sadly, there aren’t any row boats in Ireland for him to work out his aggression. What Ireland does have is Guinness. Lots and lots of Guinness.
But before I take you through the intimate details of Nick and Kaitlyn’s “Cinemax After Dark” date, I have to tell you about that pesky rose ceremony that keeps getting in the way of Kaitlyn’s fun.
First of all, Ian has left the building. In case you forgot, he thinks she’s a shallow bimbo who can’t scratch beyond surface-level conversation topics. She laughs way too much for his taste. He wants to be the next bachelor and he thinks women will be beating down the mansion door, begging to go out with someone with his intellectual depth. And in case you didn’t know, the dude went to Princeton. Kaitlyn feels super insulted. It was that moment I shouted at the TV, “Cue Nick and his bow tie.”
As we have just finished week 5 of The Bachelorette, I think it would be fun to perform a postmortem on a few of the eliminated contestants.
Drunk Guy makes a complete fool of himself. Our Host Chris Harrison doesn’t even consult Kaitlyn before escorting him beyond the freshly washed driveway and into a designated rejection SUV.
Also in week 1, Brady chooses to forego any chance he has with Kaitlyn in lieu of pursuing Britt. Harrison loans him the keys of the rejection SUV, punches in the address of the Ramada Inn in the GPS, and wishes Brady all the luck in the world. Team Brat share a lovely free continental breakfast of Otis Spunkmeyer blueberry muffins and orange juice. Brady has high hopes that Britt will accept his matching do-rags and join him at Bonnaroo with the tickets he plans on scoring after selling the contents of his ABC Bachelorette grab bag on E-Bay.
Break out the antibacterial had sanitizer. More than half of the Bachelor in Paradise season 2 cast has been announced and it looks like Fleiss will showcase a collective group of bathing suit clad pot stirrers this August. Most of them you probably remember. Others you won’t. In some cases, I dug deep into the IHGB archives to research obscure names—I’m looking at you, Dan. Fortunately I’ve created a roster to help jog your memory.
Name: Ashley S.
Alias: Melrose, The Onion, The Crazy One, Mesa Verde
Season: The Farmer
Melrose: What are you?
[The Farmer gives a blank stare, as we all would. ]
Melrose: Do you feel that?
Lincee: THIS IS IT! SHE STUCK A SHIV IN HIS SIDE! HE’S BEEN SHANKED!
It wasn’t a shiv. It was definitely something imaginary or something from her mind that she was trying to pass along to him through telepathy. Nevertheless, #5 Melrose leans in for a kiss while The Farmer is in mid-sentence, #7 Melrose tells him she is in love with everything about him, and that she hopes that resonates in his mind. Then #11 Melrose commands him not to say anything.