Archive for the ‘Bachelor Recaps’ Category
Things started off kind of awkward on Bachelor in Paradise. Juelia gets stung by a jellyfish and Tenley is the only one with a full bladder to save the day. Let me be clear—this was not the awkward part. If I had to, I’d pee on any one of you.
The awkward part is the fact that neither one thought that Tenley should pee in a cup and then pour the urine onto Juelia’s leg. Instead, Juelia wedges her ankle between Tenley’s legs as she squats on a toilet. I guess Tenly was too tired from digging the big hole to think clearly.
There are few things that make me stand up and hold my laptop over my head in triumph when it comes to watching Bachelor in Paradise. Joe being dumped on national television is certainly one of them. Ames showing up in crisp red pants is one too, but that’s another post of another day.
I have to brag a bit—I saw it coming when Our Host Chris Harrison called Samantha to the rose ceremony pedestal last after Amber gave her rose to Justin. Of course, I also thought in that moment that ABC was trying to fake me out by making me THINK that Samantha would pick Dan over Joe. When it happened, triumph ensued.
Between Joe’s rejection and Miley Cyrus’ pasties, The Twitterverse was on fire last night.
I feel like someone should have issued a warning for the Bachelor in Paradise beach dwellers. No, it’s not Hurricane Carlos. You can see him coming from a mile away. It’s easy to prepare for his inevitable destruction. Just take shelter in a place where the tequila flows freely and hunker down until the worst is over.
The real danger comes in the form of a subtle threat that moves stealthily across the sand in various bikinis. She’s a fierce beauty for sure, but she’s also quiet. This is often a deadly combination. She has single-handedly created enough drama in 24-hours to last the entire season, yet somehow manipulates everyone into thinking she is the victim.
Well, everyone besides Tanner. This guy is on to you Samantha! AND SO AM I!
Samantha is wreaking havoc with every twist of a hair extension, tug of a belly ring and bat of an eyelash. She dominates so much time in this episode that I almost forgot to mention the modesty black boxes covering Tenley and Carly’s denim panty crotch shots as they pretended to do synchronized swimming routines outside of the water.
I had high hopes that this episode of Bachelor in Paradise would kick-off with JJ punching Joe in the trachea, but that didn’t happen. Instead, Tenley gives a stern, “I thought I heard shouting” message that was oddly as effective as that time my dad came upstairs for the third time in my life to encourage my sister and I to stop jumping on the bed. Tenley simply raised her eyebrow and everyone shut up. It was fascinating.
Juelia is in full mope mode, but her eyelashes remain intact with each tear. Newbie Amber is learning how to maneuver through an onslaught of crabs who have invaded your room. A). You don’t scream like a banshee when you see one and B). You just squashed Ashley’s pet. Awesome.