Bachelor in Paradise

‘Bachelor Paradise’ recap: YOPO is not going to happen

Brutal and sad. These are the two terms that kept racing through my mind as I sat motionless watching this tremendous waste of time. My notes aren’t that much better. When the entire page consists of the words putz, REENACTMENT, hot Harrison, short denim overalls, oiled up, long lost Hemsworth brother, sponsored man necklaces and about a million bless her hearts, the recap doesn’t look very promising. It’s times like

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‘Bachelor Paradise’ recap: Not one but several flew over the cuckoo’s nest

ABC’s recipe for a successful Bachelor in Paradise episode is simple. Take five cups of estrogen and fold in some jealousy, tears and body glitter. Mix four strands of a brunette weave, two statement necklaces and an entire package of false eyelashes. Add 10 ounces of sweat, a teaspoon of manners and six abs. Blend together with equal parts sea water and jägermeister. Serve chilled to the women and oblivious

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Pass the germ squirt

I think the best way for us to get through Bachelor Paradise is for everyone to virtually hold hands and think happy thoughts. Our cast of characters were clearly chosen based on their extreme willingness to perpetuate drama, their seduction technique, those who rock a set of abs and/or those who maintain a general sense of douchbaggery. A few years ago, I wrote some guidelines for Bachelor Pad contestants. I

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See anyone we know?

Who will fall in love in paradise? #BachelorInParadise premieres Monday, August 4 at 8|7c on ABC! — Bachelor in Paradise (@BachParadise) July 18, 2014

‘The Bachelorette’ Andi: Episode 5

If only we were all together in the same room, I would mime my recap. It would take about five minutes and involve a lot of yawning and pretending to go to sleep. I can’t imagine any babies would cry, but you never know. Since that’s impossible, I will put my game face on and try to create a recap that paints a picture of drama! Romance! Product placement! Feel

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