I’m in charge of putting together a slide show for high school kids who went to camp this summer in Colorado. I need a song that is fun and most everyone will know. Here are the rules:

1. No sappy slow songs that talk about finding yourself or saying goodbye.
2. No Mother Superior songs about climbing every mountain.
3. Songs that high school kids will know.
4. Songs that high school kids will know and sing to.
5. Songs that high school kids will know and sing along that don’t have lyrics talking about thongs, girls kissing girls or any secret sexual innuendoes that my naïve brain can’t even comprehend. Let’s keep it clean people.

Here are songs that I came up with on my own:

The Middle—Jimmy Eat World
It’s upbeat and I’m thinking high school kids would like it.

Don’t Stop Believin’—Journey
Hello. It’s Journey.

Walking on Sunshine—Katrina and the Waves
Happy, happy song, but may be too old for these kids who were born in the ‘90s.

How Far We’ve Come—Matchbox 20
Kind of appropriate that they were walking all over mountains, right?

Unwritten/Pocketful of Sunshine—Natasha Bedingfield
Fun to sing and definitely now.

America—Neil Diamond
Because it’s my job to make these kids cooler by introducing them to Neil Diamond.

Hooked on a Feeling—Steve Miller Band
Cool beginning, but might be too slow?

I’m Gonna Be (5,000 miles)—The Proclaimers
Fun sing-a-long part in the middle. Plus they probably did walk 5,000 miles.

Yes? No? Suggestions? Help!

**PS: Keep all Hannah Banana suggestions to yourself. And while I’m at it, let’s go ahead and boycott anyone from the Disney Channel family. I’ll have none of that on my slide show. It’s best the Jonas Brothers and the entire High School Musical cast stay on my iPod where they belong.

**Note to reader: I’ve known Chance forever. (We were in first grade together.) He was the catalyst for what is now known as The Great Debate. He was also the reason I had to issue my first retraction on this website.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Lincee Bell -

So I think it was you who told me the New Kids on the Block were doing a reunion tour. And did you say you were going to go to their concert?

See video below, which purports to be a new New Kids song. But I’m not 100% that it’s real. It may be a joke, in which case, it’s very well done. These guys never break character, laugh, or wink to acknowledge that what they are doing is ridiculous. But I’m almost sure that one of them is Marky Mark’s brother. I don’t recognize the other guys, but they are definitely d-bags…and if I recall correctly from the little round pictures you pinned on your jacket when we were in junior high, the New Kids were all textbook d-bags.

So this may be for real. In which case, there’s no excuse for this video.

Youth is a defense for all sorts of otherwise indefensible behavior. Becoming rich and famous as a teenager by following the instructions of some twisted record producer may excuse Hangin’ Tough (which you inexplicably put on that CD you made me.) And between 1989 and 1991, those tools no doubt bedded a lot of groupies who would have otherwise been way out of their league. Some may consider that a defense in itself. But these guys are all at least 33 years old now.

To be fair, I’ve considered that this may be a sort of sacrifice. Perhaps they’re aware of the total deficit of dignity in their actions, but they have families to feed. They likely missed a lot of school and probably weren’t acquiring other marketable job skills or financial management training during their fifteen minutes of fame. But ask yourself: as a child today, would you rather: (a) scrape by financially and tell your friends “my dad sells shoes, but he used to be famous and he’s really good friends with Mark Wahlberg’s brother.” (No way Mark Wahlberg himself goes anywhere near these d-bags); or (b) live much more comfortably, but have to explain that your dad is one of the guys
in this video.

Even thinking it might have been a spoof (I’m still praying it is), I had to cover my eyes at times. And I promise you I couldn’t stay in my chair because I was so uncomfortable watching grown men act this way. Finally, after this insupportable bit where all five guys sang a one-line solo, I just had to turn it off or lurch. I turned it off.

I know I’m particularly sensitive to people behaving shamelessly (see my allergy to reality TV except for reading recaps of the The Bachelor on your website.) And I know you have a higher tolerance for shameless behavior (see your website dedicated in part to The Bachelor.) Plus, I’m aware that you liked the New Kids on the Block in junior high (see pins on your junior high jacket), which is excused because of your youth (see above–youth as a defense to being a New Kid on the Block.)

But this video is breathtaking. And I don’t think you’ll be able to watch it all either. But have a look and let me know if it’s really the New Kids. If you get all the way through the video, you should see your doctor to find out what’s wrong with your gag reflex. And if you make it through an entire concert without having a spew or at least having to look away, you have a gift. Absolutely nothing will turn your stomach. And you owe it to the world to consider a career change making use of your gift: perhaps surgery, proctology, CIA interrogations, sewage treatment.

Love,
Chance

As I sit here listening to the soulful tunes of my new pretend boyfriend, my mind wanders back to Saturday night when John Mayer sang to me.

Me and everyone else at the Cynthia Woods Mitchell Pavilion, but that’s not the point. I like to think we had a connection. I’m sure he felt it too.

I was introduced to John Mayer later in life. This seems to happen to me a lot. I’m sort of slow discovering what’s “in” with the world. Sure I had heard of him. I knew that he was looking forward to running through the halls of his high school and screaming at the top of his lungs. I was aware that he was really passionate about waiting on the word to change. And that he thought some chick’s body was a wonderland.

But then I heard “Slow Dancing in a Burning Room” and I was hooked. I immediately went and purchased his Continuum album and fell in love with his bluesy acoustic sound, preferring those to the more “pop” tracks.

You can imagine my excitement for seeing him in concert for the first time ever. Saturday night could not come fast enough. The crowd was pumped. The outdoor theater was hot. The energy was palpable and the anticipation was infectious. We heard the music swell and then a spotlight beamed down.

And there he was.

I nearly peed my pants when I saw he was shirtless. Did I think this was odd? I’m pretty sure the obvious answer is, “Who cares?” All I know is that is was hot and he never made an obnoxious point to address the crowd as to why he was sans shirt. He was just feeling the audience vibe, the heat and the music. And I LOVED that he had a buzz cut.

His first song was “Waiting on the World to Change.” Since this is not one of my favorites, I decide to take this time to text everyone I know and rub it in that I’m in the sweat vicinity of the great John Mayer.

My pretend boyfriend played from 9:00 to 10:45, stopping only to switch guitars. I have to say that he is talented, sounds exactly like his recordings and has an obvious passion for what he does in his life. I love seeing people in their element and he was in his on that stage.

Now let’s talk about the face.

Yes. Yes he makes weird faces when he sings. But I’m going to return to my original point from earlier and say, “WHO CARES!” Dude…whatever you need to do to make you sound the way you sound is fine by me.

It was a nice mixture of chill, thrilling and crazy entertainment. And then he ended with “Gravity.”

This is my song. I had to sit down because my knees went weak. Lord.

This is a pic (from the Jumbotron screen) of John during the riff at the end of the song. The best way to describe “Gravity” would to simply say, “mmh.” There are no words. I needed a cigarette afterwards and I don’t smoke. It was that good.

After the audience goes nuts for an encore, he returns to the stage, claiming that if someone takes the time to go to the art store and make a poster requesting a song, he will sing it.

One lady’s poster said, “Your music is my Xanax.”

Amen sister.

Another one read simply, “SAY!”

And that’s how the night ended…with “Say” and a ton of screaming fans. It was 0ne of the best concerts I’ve ever been to.

At church the next day, I left my Cynthia Woods Mitchell Pavilion venue arm bracelet on so people would ask me where I had been. Is that too much information to share? Regardless, I would gush about how he sang to me, was shirtless and how I’m starting a campaign to be the Houston fan club president. In almost every instance, the person I was talking to would ask if Jennifer Aniston was there.

Following my theme from the night before, my answer was always, “Who cares?”

I fully suspect to have John’s people call my people in the next few days and Jennifer will be a thing of the past.

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: it’s good to have goals people.

Have you guys seen this? I absolutely adore Neil Patrick Harris and when I heard of this blog, I was immediately sucked in to its wit and humor. Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog is a 43-minute tragicomic musical, produced exclusively for Internet distribution. It tells the story of Dr. Horrible, an aspiring super villain, Captain Hammer, his nemesis, and Penny, their mutual love interest. The movie was written by writer/director Joss Whedon and his brothers. It was penned during the WGA writers’ strike.

And it’s awesome. So many one-liners…so little time.

Head on over to Hulu if you want to see all three acts. I’ve embedded Act One below.

Two things before I leave you with Dr. Horrible and his horribleness:

1. Neil Patrick Harris (the original blogger in his Doogie Howser days) is precious and super talented.
2. Nathan Fillion is hot.

Now sit back. Relax. And enjoy the show.