It’s been so fun to hear what they consider to be my classics. I’ve decided to start a new category called “Throwback” and will post some of my early vintage work periodically until the new site is up and running.

Let me know what you guys think!

Lincee

* * * * *

So there I was. Dreading HUET Class. Also known as: Helicopter Underwater Evacuation Training.

Oh. I’m not joking.

Somehow, I’ve been on a few offshore rigs before and never once been asked if I am certified. Apparently, you can sign a waiver saying that if you helicopter goes down, you won’t hold anyone liable. But those days are over I hear, according to my boss. We had one of our “infamous” chats just last week:

Boss: “Good news and bad news.”
Lincee: “Should I sit down?”

Boss: “You are probably going to Rio to visit a few offshore rigs in Brazil.”
Lincee: “Sweet!”

I start singing “Welcome. Welcome to Rio! The tropical hot spot. Saludos amigos.”…a song that was included on my Disco Mickey Mouse cassette tape that I wore out playing over and over and over again when I was a kid. He didn’t laugh. He just stared at me funny. He does that a lot. I did, however, finish the chorus before preparing myself for the bad news.

Boss: “We will have to take HUET classes. That’s where they dunk you under water and you have to escape out of the helicopter simulator. You okay with that?”
Lincee: “Indubitably.”

He leaves my office and the first thing I do is “YouTube” this HUET business. As I’m searching, I convince myself it’s not going to be that bad. I love to swim. I can hold my breath like a champ. This is going to be a piece of cake.

Then I see the video. Things are looking good. Climbing in the chair. Okay. Buckling in. Sort of creepy, but got it. Crossing arms and signals. Good, good. And then dunk!

HOLD THE PHONE! THEY DUNK YOU UPSIDE DOWN?

Cleansing deep breathes to get my heart rate down. In through the nose. Out the mouth.

My class is in Galveston. By the time I make the hour long trip there, I’m convinced that the test will take place in a dark simulator with five or six guys in scuba gear ready to rescue me when I start flailing about in a panic. I wonder if my steel toe boots are going to sink me to the bottom of the tank that is filled with murky water and if I’ll be able to move in my orange coveralls. What if I can’t hold my breath that long? What if I pass out and they have to do CPR? What if I’m the first one to ever fail HUET? What if I fail and am unable to go to Rio?

The class is small. We are in a room with about 10 other people. I’ve arrived with my boss and Mark, the guy who takes all of our photography and video. We sit near the back and listen to our instructor Jim.

Clearly, Jim has done this for a very long time. This fact is evident from the way he describes “all you need to know” about HUET safety. Basically, you strap yourself in and cross your hands over your chest. For today’s class, there are two exits…one to the right and one to the left. You will be dunked three times. The first time, you exit your window and your partner exits his. The second time, you both go out your window and the third, you both go out your partner’s window.

Jim says that it’s simple really. Just place your hand on the window pane at the bottom with your strong hand and unbuckle with your left and swim out. If you get scared, put your hands on your forehead and you will be pulled out.

And that’s it. The pep talk took all of ten minutes. I look at my boss. He looks back. I dissolve into a fit of giggles.

Next, we watch a 20 minute video about three dudes who work offshore. It appeared to be made in the early 80s. The video simulated a helicopter going down and what do to if you are ever in this situation.

The narrator’s first suggestion was to remain calm and take a deep breath.

Okay.

He then walks us through Jim’s evaluation descriptions, reminding us to not kick our legs…whatever we do. All three guys make it out safely. Hurray!

Then they walk us through what to do if things don’t go as planned. Such as: what if your window doesn’t pop open? What if there’s a “perished” colleague in your way? What if your seat belt doesn’t unfasten?

All very valid questions in my book.

My favorite part was when they tell you not to take a big breath when you pop up out of the water because there is more than likely going to be a fire or some sort of fuel spill. It’s best to just take a quick breath and go back under and swim away from the debris. Then look for survivors.

Survivors.

Lights come on and Jim asks if there are any questions. We all sit in solemn silence. He claps his hands and says, “Now. Let’s get out there and pass this test!”

We all look at each other baffled. I think we may have been in the classroom for less than an hour. And we are going to the simulator? Already? Don’t I need more instruction? Can I watch that video again, because this time I won’t be distracted by the “perished” colleague’s mullet. Please?

Nope. We get the “fun part” over with at the beginning of class.

Now I’m nervous. I change into my coveralls and head to the car. We arrive at our destination and it’s a swimming pool. With a steel cage. THAT’S IT? No murky water? No dark simulator? Oh look! There’s Jim! He’s rockin’ some sweet back hair. I guess there won’t be five guys in scuba gear ready to save me. It’s just Jim. This isn’t so bad after all!

Our first part of training was jumping off diving boards and swimming in long lines hanging on to each other with our legs. I made sure not to swim by my boss during this portion. My legs were wrapped around a nice marine biologist thank you very much. We practiced huddling in a circle and keeping the middle guy warm. This happened to be our photographer Mark. That wasn’t awkward at all. We then all enter a rescue life raft. I was the last to be hoisted through the opening by two guys. They pulled me in so hard, that my face landed in the middle of everyone’s feet and then I slid ALMOST into the crotch of the marine biologist. Again…not awkward at all.

We exit the pool and go to the cold water immersion suit area. These things are basically big rubber jumpers that are supposed to keep you warm in the North Sea should you have to jump overboard. They make you look like a red Gumby. The trick is to wiggle in them on the ground like you are entering a sleeping bag. Then you stand up, put your arms in and attempt to zip up the front. Clearly, this was a problem for me.

They had us jump off the diving board again and do all the same things in these ginormous suits that we just did with life jackets. Fun times.

Now for the hard part. There are six of us in this portion of the simulator test. We have to pair off. My boss chooses me. And we are stuck going last.

The first pair get in the simulator and dunk three times with flying colors.

The second pair have one little bump…the girl’s helmet fell off because her head is so small.

And now it’s our turn. My boss enters first and I’m behind him. I’ve been feeling pretty confident and it isn’t until I buckle myself (shoulder harness and lap belt) that I begin to think, “Is this really necessary? I mean, I’m pretty sure I’m going to “perish” if I go down in a helicopter. And knowing my luck, a shark will probably eat me if I happen to survive impact, getting out of the seat, finding a window, opening a window, swimming to the top and not breathing in toxic air. Maybe I should re-think this job. I could write for a living. Maybe I could call ABC and see if they would give me a job as Chris Harrison’s assistant or something. Heck. I’ll wait tables. Maybe go back to Disney World…”

Jim is yelling at me. “READY?”
Mark the photographer is yelling at me. “SMILE!”

We both say we are ready and he yells, “TAKE A DEEP BREATH!” and we plunge sideways into the water.

All I can remember is that up became down and right became left. And there were lots of bubbles. I feel my window pane, unbuckle quickly, waiting for the eight second tap that it is time to swim out. A little disoriented which way is up, I head for sun and pop out of the water.

I did it!

Back in the simulator for round two. My boss got water up his nose and in his ears. He can’t hear me, or is ignoring me, when I ask, “Which way do you want to go out this time? Me follow you or you follow me?”

Nothing. He doesn’t answer. He’s mentally preparing himself for the quest. I have to punch him into reality. We decide he will follow me on round two.

Jim yells again, “READY?”
We agree.

Dunk number two. I find my pane, unbuckle and feel a push from my side. My boss is forcing me out the window! Being a rule follower, I was waiting for the eight second tap, but in his world, you survive by any means necessary. I head out the window and he proceeds to grab my leg. Not for dear life…but an aggressive grab none the less. I basically pull my leg through the window and he follows, popping up out of the water before me! I then get lectured on how I need to be quicker when evacuating an upside down helicopter simulator in the middle of a pool on the Texas A&M campus in Galveston.

Yeah. Note to self. Got it Bill.

Round three. I am to follow him out his window now. We are old pros by this point and I hang out upside down for a while thinking I need to give him some time to unbuckle and get through the window. I reach over and he is GONE. Dude has left me to “perish” below. I cross hand over hand to escape. It is then that one of my toe thumbs gets wedged somehow between two pieces of metal. No time to waste, I jerk it out with all my might. When I reach the surface, he is dried off, drinking water and talking with Mark the photographer.

Thanks a lot Bill.

Soaking wet, we make our way to the car where our dry clothes are stored. We walk in silence and then Mark says, “That was pretty cool.” We all agree, high five each other and talk about the times we were really nervous but didn’t want to tell the other one. Then we all call everyone we know to say we are alive and bask in the glory of the fact that it’s OVER!

All in a day’s work my friend. Next stop? Rio de Janeiro baby!

The sound you just heard from the break room was me gagging. I’m so sorry about that. I took the liberty of throwing out the majority of the Tupperware containers in the refrigerator.  The mold on on the inside hindered me from identifying the original contents.  There’s no way I will allow the person who belongs to that Tupperware take the monstrosity home and try to scrub away the filth.  I’m sorry.  It was ingrained in the plastic.

There was also a nice little surprise in a Pappacito’s styrofoam take-home box.  It was sealed tight in a plastic bag.  Why on earth I decided to open the bag and investigate is beyond me, but I did.  The smell that wafted from said bag was indescribable.  There were no words.  That is why I had to literally go primal and make a guttural noise.  Obviously, the bag was thrown in the trash.  Good luck janitor lady.

All this to say, if you are looking for your Tupperware from four months ago, it died a slow painful death and was laid to rest today.

You are welcome.

Lincee

David and I are PowerPoint “co-captains” at church and I recently asked him for his September schedule so I could figure out who we need to bring up from JV while we are away doing various activities this semester.

He was quick to respond with all the dates in the fall that he will not be able to serve.  There was a wedding.  Texas Tech vs. A&M football weekend.  And this little nugget on September 6…

World Championship BBQ Goat Cook-Off.

Huh.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen those words connected together before in my life.  One might think that I would go off on some sarcastic tangent, but coming from a girl who is scheduling her pending knee surgery around Hallsville Western Days’ Civil War Re-Enactment…well…you all know that this Goat BBQ Championship thing sounds all sorts of AWESOME to me.   Let’s hope DQ takes pictures and sends in a report on who wins the big prize. 

I’d blog about it.  I’m just saying.

The goat championship BBQ sentence did tickle me though.  I started to think about all the random things I had heard on the phone, or read in an email/text or heard from friends and family the last week.  I have to say, I lead a pretty interesting life.  Or I surround myself with crazies.  Probably a mixture of both.

Example #1:

My friend Jill has a 16-month old little boy.  The other day we were on the phone and I heard this:  “No…no Sam…Sam…no…SAM!  Lincee I have to go.  Sam’s eating dog food.”

Not your typical run-of-the-mill sentence that acurately describes your kid’s diet. 

Example #2:

My other friend Rebecca has a brand new baby.  I hear her three-year-old in the background:  “Mommy!  Baby Sam needs you!”

What is wrong with that sentence you ask?  Yes…it is very normal.  However, the baby’s name is not Sam.  The three-year-old has named him Sam because the only other boy baby he has known is Jill’s Sam.  It’s been five days now.  The siblings are still calling him Sam.  The parents call him by his real name.  My Mom used to call the dog’s name when she was yelling for me.  I think this family is going to be okay.

Example #3

My Mom and I are watching the traveling Broadway production of Mamma Mia this past weekend in Dallas.  When the curtain rises, we find Sophie on the Greek island singing to herself about how she has a dream.  Mom leans over and says, “Why is her hair red?”  I look at her funny and she says, “It’s supposed to be blond.”

I explain to her that this isn’t Cinderella and that she needs to get over it.  Different actors play different characters on the stage.  Sophie’s hair color means nothing to the story line.  She rolled her eyes and was bitter for the rest of the show. 

Example #4

I was on the phone with Sergeant Cole last night (yes he’s back!) and he is telling me how he got from Iraq to the US.  In the middle of a very dramatic moment, I hear a bugle playing in the background.  He pauses and says, “Let me call you back.  They are lowering the flag.”

Oh how that warms my heart!  God bless the USA!

Example # 5

I drove in from Dallas on Saturday night and arrived back at my apartment around 1:30 in the morning.  I fell asleep immediately and woke up a few hours later to my phone ringing.  As you can imagine, there is a split second that is a mixture of figuring out where the weird noise is coming from, trying to find my phone and registering who is on the other side, because nothing good can come from a 3:00 a.m. phone call.

It was my boss.  Who is currently in the Middle East. 

I click the green button and yell “HELLO?” about 30 times.  Nothing.  I get panicky and start wondering if he is in trouble or stuck in a holding cell at an airport or in JAIL!  I text as fast as my fingers could fly and wait for the familiar BING to answer me back.

BING!  “I forgot it is 3:00 AM in Houston.  Going to tell you about rig in Oman.  Sorry to disturb you.  Go back to bed.”

Don’t you think that merits a free personal day?  One that corresponds with the World Championship BBQ Goat Cook-Off maybe?

The small town of Glendive boasts that they are the paddlefish capital of the world. I learned this useless trivia at lunch while eating nachos at the Beer Jug.

It’s okay to be jealous of my job.

Photographer Craig: “Let’s go over here and get some shots. Maybe with that turkey in the background?”
Lincee…very calmly: “Craig. There’s a rattlesnake.”

Craig…just as calm: “Where?”
Lincee: “Step to your right. It’s under the bench you are standing by.”

Craig steps away and begins taking pictures of rattlesnake while Lincee retrieves our King Ranch wildlife biologist as if it were no big deal. Lincee and Craig pow wow by a tree while being eaten to death by mosquitoes as the guide decides the best way to “harvest” the snake.

Craig: “I think we handled that well.”
Lincee: “Considering my initial reaction was to scream my head off and run the opposite direction, I’d say so.”

Oh. I’m not joking. You would be dreading it too. Somehow, I’ve been on a few offshore rigs before and never once been asked if I am certified. Apparently, you can sign a waiver saying that if you helicopter goes down, you won’t hold anyone liable. But those days are over I hear, according to my boss. We had one of our “infamous” chats just last week:

Boss: “Good news and bad news.”
Lincee: “Should I sit down?”

Boss: “You are probably going to Rio to visit a few offshore rigs in Brazil.”
Lincee: “Sweet!”

I start singing “Welcome. Welcome to Rio! The tropical hot spot. Saludos amigos.”…a song that was included on my Disco Mickey Mouse cassette tape that I wore out playing over and over and over again when I was a kid. He didn’t laugh. Just stared at me funny. I did, however, finish the chorus before preparing myself for the bad news.

Boss: “We will have to take HUET classes. That’s where they dunk you under water and you have to escape out of the helicopter simulator. You okay with that?”
Lincee: “Indubitably.”

He leaves my office and the first thing I do is “YouTube” this HUET business. As I’m searching, I convince myself it’s not going to be that bad. I love to swim. I can hold my breath like a champ. This is going to be a piece of cake.

Then I see the video. Things are looking good. Climbing in the chair. Okay. Buckling in. Sort of creepy, but got it. Crossing arms and signals. Good, good. And then dunk!

HOLD THE PHONE! THEY DUNK YOU UPSIDE DOWN?

Cleansing deep breathes to get my heart rate down. In through the nose. Out the mouth.

My class is in Galveston. By the time I make the hour long trip there, I’ve convinced myself that the test will take place in a dark simulator with five or six guys in scuba gear ready to rescue me when I start flailing about in a panic. I wonder if my steel toe boots are going to sink me to the bottom of the tank that is filled with murky water and if I’ll be able to move in my orange coveralls. What if I can’t hold my breath that long? What if I pass out and they have to do CPR? What if I’m the first one to ever fail HUET? What if I FAIL and am unable to go to Rio?

The class is small. We are in a room with about ten other people. I’ve arrived with my boss and the guy who takes all of our photography and video. We sit near the back and listen to our instructor Jim.

Clearly, Jim has done this for a very long time. It’s evident by the way he describes “all you need to know” about HUET safety. Basically, you strap yourself in and cross your hands over your chest. For today’s class, there are two exits…one to the right and one to the left. You will be dunked three times. The first time, you exit your window and your partner exits his. The second time, you both go out your window and the third, you both go out his.

Jim says that it’s simple really. Just place your hand on the window pane at the bottom with your strong hand and unbuckle with your left and swim out. If you get scared, put your hands on your forehead and you will be pulled out.

And that’s it. The pep talk took all of ten minutes. I look at my boss. He looks back. We dissolve into a fit of giggles.

Next, we watch a 20 minute video about three dudes who work offshore. It appeared to be made in the early 80s. The video simulated a helicopter going down and what do to if you are ever in this situation.

The narrator’s first suggestion was to remain calm and take a deep breath.

Okay.

He then walks us through Jim’s evaluation descriptions, reminding us to not kick our legs…whatever we do. All three guys make it out safely. Hurray!

Then they walk us through what to do if things don’t go as planned. Such as: what if your window doesn’t pop open? What if there’s a “perished” colleague in your way? What if your seat belt doesn’t unfasten?

All very valid questions in my book.

My favorite part was when they tell you not to take a big breath when you pop up out of the water because there is more than likely going to be a fire or some sort of fuel spill. It’s best to just take a quick breath and go back under and swim away from the debris. Then look for survivors. Survivors.

Lights come on and Jim asks if there are any questions. We all sit in solemn silence. He claps his hands and says, “Now. Let’s get out there and pass this test!”

We all look at each other baffled. I think we may have been in the classroom for less than an hour. And we are going to the simulator? Already? Don’t I need more instruction? Can I watch that video again, because this time I won’t be distracted by the “perished” colleague’s mullet. Please?

Nope. We get the “fun part” over with at the beginning of class.

Now I’m nervous. I change into my coveralls and head to the car. We arrive at our destination and it’s a swimming pool. With a steel cage. THAT’S IT? No murky water? No dark simulator? Oh look! There’s Jim! He’s rockin’ some sweet back hair. I guess there won’t be five guys in scuba gear ready to save me. It’s just Jim. This isn’t so bad after all!

Our first part of training was jumping off diving boards and swimming in long lines hanging on to each other with our legs. I made sure not to swim by my boss during this portion. My legs were wrapped around a nice marine biologist thank you very much. We practiced huddling in a circle and keeping the middle guy warm. This happened to be Mark…our photographer. That wasn’t awkward at all. We then all enter a rescue life raft. I was the last to be hoisted through the opening by two guys. They pulled me in so hard, that my face landed in the middle of everyone’s feet and then I slid ALMOST into the crotch of the marine biologist. Again…not awkward at all.

We exit the pool and go to the cold water immersion suit area. These things are basically big rubber jumpers that are supposed to keep you warm in the North Sea should you have to jump overboard. They make you look like a red Gumby. The trick is to wiggle in them on the ground like you are entering a sleeping bag. Then you stand up, put your arms in and attempt to zip up the front. Clearly, this was a problem for me.

They had us jump off the diving board again and do all the same things in these ginormous suits that we just did with life jackets. Fun times.

Now for the hard part. There are six of us in this portion of the simulator test. We have to pair off. My boss chooses me. And we are stuck going last.

The first pair get in the simulator and dunk three times with flying colors.
The second pair have one little bump…the girl’s helmet fell off because her head is so small.

And now it’s our turn. My boss enters first and I’m behind him. I’ve been feeling pretty confident and it isn’t until I buckle myself (shoulder harness and lap belt) that I begin to think, “Is this really necessary? I mean, I’m pretty sure I’m going to “perish” if I go down in a helicopter. And knowing my luck, a shark will probably eat me if I happen to survive impact, getting out of the seat, finding a window, opening a window, swimming to the top and not breathing in toxic air. Maybe I should re-think this job. I could write for a living. Maybe I could call ABC and see if they would give me a job as Chris Harrison’s assistant or something. Heck. I’ll wait tables. Maybe go back to Disney World…”

Jim is yelling at me. “READY?” Mark the photographer is yelling at me. “SMILE!”

We both say we are ready and he yells, “TAKE A DEEP BREATH!” and we plunge sideways into the water.

All I can remember is that up became down and right became left. And there were lots of bubbles. I feel my window pane, unbuckle quickly, waiting for the eight second tap that it is time to swim out. A little disoriented which way is up, I head for sun and pop out of the water.

I did it!

Back in the simulator for round two. My boss got water up his nose and in his ears. He can’t hear me, or is ignoring me, when I ask, “Which way do you want to go out this time? Me follow you or you follow me?”

Nothing. He doesn’t answer. He’s mentally preparing himself for the quest. I have to punch him into reality. We decide he will follow me on round two.

Jim yells again, “READY?”
We agree.

Dunk number two. I find my pane, unbuckle and feel a push from my side. My boss is forcing me out the window! Being a rule follower, I was waiting for the eight second tap, but in his world, you survive by any means necessary. I head out the window and he proceeds to grab my leg. Not for dear life…but an aggressive grab none the less. I basically pull my leg through the window and he follows, popping up out of the water before me! I then get lectured on how I need to be quicker when evacuating an upside down helicopter simulator in the middle of a pool on the Texas A&M campus in Galveston.

Yeah. Note to self. Got it Bill.

Round three. I am to follow him out his window now. We are old pros by this point and I hang out upside down for a while thinking I need to give him some time to unbuckle and get through the window. I reach over and he is GONE. Dude has left me to “perish” below. I cross hand over hand to escape. It is then that one of my toe thumbs gets wedged somehow between two pieces of metal. No time to waste, I jerk it out with all my might. When I reach the surface, he is dried off, drinking water and half-way dry. Thanks a lot Bill.

Soaking wet, we make our way to the car where are dry clothes are stored. We walk in silence and then Mark says, “That was pretty cool.” We all agree, high five each other and talk about the times we were really nervous but didn’t want to tell the other one. Then we all call everyone we know to say we are alive and bask in the glory of the fact that it’s OVER!

All in a day’s work my friend. Next stop? Rio de Janeiro baby!

I know “Women Tell All” is tonight and I am going to do my best to keep my eyes open long enough to write the recap immediately after the show. Typically I write the next day, giving the juicy details a little more time to marinate in my head. But if I did that, there wouldn’t be anything posted until about 7:00 tomorrow night. And we just can’t have that.

So I’m going to write it. My webMAN Jason is going to post it, along with a poll to see who YOU think Matty will choose. Let’s see how close the votes are to the real outcome next week! I’m going to say $5 that we are 50/50. Make sure to vote tomorrow.

Okay. I’m headed back out there. Those media people aren’t going to schmooze themselves.