Come here to me so I can put a ring on it

Well…it is done. We’ve reached the end of this amazing journey and as I watched last night’s show, I allowed a river of emotions sweep me back and forth along a current that lasted about an hour and a half too long. Like Brad, the majority of my feelings fell under the utterly confused portion of the emotional scale, but we’ll get to After the Final Rose later. It’s time to secure your safari hat chin strap and button the 12 pockets on your khaki cargos because the Womacks are crashing Cape Town y’all!

Meeting the Folks
Brad grips the balcony railing and looks out at the vast, sprawling land before him and is excited to see what appears to be the entire world before him…much like his future with either Chantal or Emily. Sure the metaphor is a bit of a stretch, but the ABC producers didn’t anticipate that the jungle trek for the Womack support unit was going to be such a jaunt. Through voiceover, Brad explains that he trusts his family’s judgment more than Dr. Jaime’s and can’t wait for them to meet and decide who is his best life match.

Five Womacks emerge from the brush below and Brad crumbles like Michelle’s raw nerves on Women Tell All as he tries with all of his might to not cry when his Mama hugs him. The vein pops out on his forehead when little brother Wes goes in for the embrace and Brad full-on weeps like a baby when he walks into the arms of twin brother Chad. A quick kiss and hug from both sisters-in-law and the family retires to the couches, all thanking and pleasing each other before apologizing for being so emotional.

Approximately 10 seconds go by and Brad has to physically remove himself from the overwhelming feelings of being surrounded by fellow Womacks. He pulls a full-on Mesnick at the balcony when the twin steps in to assess the situation.

Brad: “I’ve missed you guys. I’m sorry.”
Chad: “Don’t apologize. But you need to pull it together man. What if people think you are me?”

Brad: “Your face is skinnier than mine. And you’re not as tan. And I’m more muscular.”
Chad: “Dude. That was harsh. But I understand. I’ll give you some more space. Don’t mind me. I’ll be over here with my WIFE talking about you behind your back.”

Our Bachelor returns to his family in the living room, gives the twin a noogie and tells everyone that he is one hundred percent sure he will propose. As if on cue, someone knocks on the door and Brad leaps forward, asking everyone to please excuse him for a minute so he can grope the girl out front before introducing her.

Chantal arrives in a weird backless tank shirt thingy and jeans. She claims she’s nervous, but enters the interview portion of our competition with a certain confidence that is attractive to both brothers. Within minutes of pouring herself a glass of wine and plopping down on the couch beside Brad, she has proclaimed her love for our Bachelor 12 times and told the story of how they fell in love on a rainy night in Costa Rica. She explains to Mama that they talked for hours in Brad’s cabana and just clicked. Wes and Chad give Brad respectful head nods and winks as the women are clouded by the romance that “talked for hours” consists of Brad making it to second…probably third base.

The brothers commandeer Chantal and take her to the Mesnick railing where they quiz her on what it takes to be the wife of a Womack.

Wes: “What did you come here expecting to find?”
Chantal: “Well, at the beginning I was nervous that Bradley would choose someone just to choose someone. However, I know he’s what I want. I’m at a place in my life where I know what I’m looking for and Bradley is all of those things.”

Chad: “Chan-tell. Do you think you could marry him? Because he just said he’s proposing.”
Chantal: “Yes Chadley. I do. I’m willing to marry him right now.”

Chantal passes that test with flying colors and moves on to a more skeptical Mom. Pamela is curious to know how Chantal fell in love so fast.

Chantal: “Since I was once married before to a total loser, I know what it’s like to be with the wrong man.”
Pamela: “I get that.”

Chantal: “I came here with an open heart. I know we’ve been living in la-la world, but our love is in the real world.”
Pamela: “I think you are precious.”

The Sports Illustrated model makes one more round to really emphasize that she is ready to begin her life with Brad. She hugs the Mom, shimmies for the brothers and gives the sisters-in-law eyeliner advice before Brad escorts her back to the car. She has officially received the stamp of approval from the Womack clan. Congratulations Chan-tell! Maybe one day they’ll all get your name right!

The next day, Brad announces that it’s time for a clean slate. The family needs to forget Chan-tell because there’s a new girl in town and she’s shy, Southern and gorgeous. Speaking of forgetting, for some reason Brad chooses not to share a few rather important facts regarding Emily’s life. In short, there was no prepping the kinfolk when it comes to Little Ricki or her deceased beloved.

Fun times for Emily. I blame ABC.

But of course, she handles herself with such poise and maturity. Chadley is the first to obliviously insert his foot into his mouth by asking how the ever-infamous hometown date played out in Charlotte. Brad stammers, Emily soothes his anxiety and shares that she has a five-year-old daughter who is her world. Thanks to ABC’s editing, it appears that everyone in the circle is doing math in their head for a few seconds before Pamela breaks the silence with some maternal feedback: “That must have been a big decision to let Brad meet her so soon.”

The group adjourns to the dinner table where Wes inadvertently applies a healthy serving of ketchup to his own Nike before shoving it down his throat and asking how Emily’s father would handle her moving her daughter to Austin. Brad chokes on his arugula and performs a self Heimlich on the Mesnick balcony as Emily elegantly shares her tragic story with dignity and grace. The Womack men stammer and apologize as the women dab their eyes with dinner napkins.

Later, the brothers make sure Brad is ready and prepared to be a father. He lets them know that he gets a warm and fuzzy feeling when he thinks about being a Dad. That apparently is all Wes and Chadley need to discern that their brother is doing to be a damn good parent.

Emily sits on the steps with her long purple dress flowing in the breeze with Pamela, both bonding over what it’s like to be single mothers. Emily reveals that Brad is her angel and Pamela gets a little teary, remembering the day she advised her son to NOT get the giant cross tattoo on his back and now hoping that Emily gets something good out of this deal since life has been so difficult for her.

A family meeting is called to dissect the last 24 hours.

Wes: “I can see you traveling with Chantal and sowing some oats before settling down. With Emily, you’d have to buy a house and a picket fence. It’s a matter of wings or roots at this point buddy.”

Prima: “If Emily is the one, then she’s already in our world because we are mothers. Chantal would not be able to relate.”
Dylan: “But with Chantal, we could go get sushi. Plus her name is sort of weird and freaky like ours.”

I think most of us will agree that not all thoughts are great out loud thoughts.

But it was Pamela’s straw that broke the camel’s back.

Pamela: “I think Emily is the whole package. I see a future there. I’m looking at the girl you’re about to marry.”

A quick look at my watch, and we are only one hour in. Methinks there could be some creative ABC editing coming up to throw us off the Emily trail. It can’t be this straightforward. Surely Bradley is not going to arrive at Chantal’s cabana in his warm-up pants and scruffy t-shirt to tell her he doesn’t want to put her through the torture of wiggling into her Spanx and sitting through wardrobe piling her hair on top of her head with 47 bobby pins holding it in place only to say nice things that make her ugly cry before escorting her all the 20-minute way to the rejection limo. I’m pretty sure Cape Cod Chris’ Mom couldn’t possibly generate another rainbow in such perfect timing.

Surely…

Chantal’s Last Date
Chantal spots Brad from across a dewy meadow. We’ve all seen this a million times. She begins to run up to him to jump in his arms. She totally botched it and had to forgo the official leg wrap/twirl combo. They make their way to the water and take in the beautiful Cape Town scenery. Chantal talks about the wildlife and they romantically rock back and forth as they watch some seals nearby squawking at the people on the boat.

Then a shark swims up and he eats all of the seals.

Okay, that part didn’t happen, but there was SOMETHING in the water that looked a lot like a seal and this big shark headed straight for it. Chantal and I both screamed as Brad proudly reveals that they too will be swimming with the seals and throw all caution to the wind in hopes they will not be shark bait.

Brad: “I know you faced your biggest, deepest fear earlier in the season of being down in cold, dark water. I thought we could push the envelope and make you swim with sharks! I know you will do it with a smile on your face. And if you get in open water, I bet you would wrestle one of these little devils! Since we will have full scuba gear on, I won’t have to have emotional conversations with you and feel weird and guilty when you constantly, over and over again, remind me that you want a ring and that you love me and yadda, yadda, yadda. It will be fun! It’s just like testing out the waters before we hypothetically get married. Of course I don’t believe that, but I’m contractually obligated to work in two metaphors each episode. Let’s get dressed.”

Chantal returns from slithering into her certified shark bait attire looking like a picture of the “Scuba Girl” outfit one might find in the naughty section during Halloween at Party City. The boobs were pushed up, out and proudly displayed for all to behold. Either she was going for a sexy look or the skin-tight gear just wasn’t built for the double Ds. One can’t be too sure.

The pair both OMG 30 times before jumping into their protective shark cage. They hug and squeak in the wet suits before taking huge breathes and plunging below. A shark bangs the cage a few times, eats a few of the sweet little seals and then swims away. For the viewing audience, it was pretty uneventful. I’m sure it was terribly frightening for our little dynamic duo, but I was bored. Brad, of course, was proud.

Brad: “I’m so happy that you were able to do this!”
Chantal: “I know. I never thought I’d get this thing to zip.”

Brad: “No babe! You conquered the sharks! You can do anything you put your mind to. You are not a loser. Do you understand? YOU ARE NOT A LOSER.”
Chantal: “You owe me a ring for doing that!”
Brad: “Easy.”

Clue #1 folks. Clue #1.

Later at the One & Only Hotel, Chantal gives Brad the world. And by world, I mean a piece of construction paper with a map, a bunch of red marks and dotted lines from here to there.

Chantal: “I made it myself!”
Lincee: You made me throw up a little in my mouth. We’re both winners.

Accompanying the fundamental atlas of their journey together is a primitive essay that chronicles both the pivotal and irrelevant components of each moment of their shared time. She asks him to read aloud. He struggles to get more comfortable, knowing that not only will this be awkward, but it will definitely last longer than an episode of How I Met Your Mother.

Because it was 18 pages on her spiral bound notebook…front and back…I decided to write down every fifth or sixth word. Consider it an abridged version of my classic beta caps:

Dear Bradley, fear, limo, changed, night, Lincee is bored, felt, felt, felt, exciting, Harrison’s shirt, scary, love, feel, Lincee wonders if this will ever end, happy, world, love, love, I can’t believe he’s still reading, boobs, slap, emotions, happy, rain, feel, love, Chantal.

Brad thanks “Channy” for being so vocal with her feelings and bids her adieu. Annnnnnd there’s clue #2.

He asks if she’s okay. She says she’s okay. She asks if he’s okay. He says he’s okay. No one asked if I was okay because my answer would be WHY IS THIS SHOW TWO HOURS LONG?

Emily’s Last Date
Too bad Emily’s luggage was misplaced at the Cape Town Airport. Luckily, Our Host Chris Harrison was able to lend her a regal purple button down shirt. There’s no telling where the thick brown belt and pirate boots came from, but we’ll just go with it for now.

In keeping with the “let’s make sure your fears are REALLY conquered,” Brad shoves Emily in yet another helicopter. Silver lining – 15 more hours and she can get her license. Yay!

Not willing to break his lucky streak, Brad takes Emily on another picnic. He turns in a circle three times before sitting down on the cliff’s edge, making sure Emily is to his immediate left and the sun is setting in front of him. He mutters his Mama’s name backwards as many times as he can in 20 seconds and finishes his Emily ritual by wiping the sweat off his palms before she dives in to a serious conversation.

Emily: “Have you ever really sat and thought about how you are not going to be cool Uncle Brad for the day and then go home at night to drink a beer and watch football? Life is not all perfect with a kid. It’s not all fun and games.”

She said a lot of other stuff about parenting, but I was totally distracted by her hair whipping in and out of her face. The remote control was all the way over by the TV or I would have rewound. My bad.

Later, Emily feels that she is dipping back into her old ways of self sabotage. She slips on her best little black dress and strappy heels to prove to Brad that he’s the one. But Brad has a mission of his own. He pours his heart out in broken, but heartfelt sentences, pleading to Emily to understand that he is ready to be a father and he will do nothing but love her and Little Ricki if she would only give him the chance.

Brad stared back with hope in his eyes. America sighed at the romance unfolding before our eyes. I wondered if Chantal would leave the way she arrived…slapping Brad across the face. And Emily counters.

Emily: “What does being a father mean to you? Will you be there when she is sick in the wee hours of the morning?”
Brad: “Being a father means unconditional love. A provider, protector, friend, disciplinarian, in all the good that comes with bad and all the bad that comes with good. Why are you putting me on the spot?”

Emily: “I’m not. I just want to make sure there are no surprises. It’s not always fun. I just want you to know what you are getting in to. Are you mad?”
Brad: “I’m getting there. I’ve never said these things to anyone. I feel like I’m being questioned when I’m telling you that I care about you and your family.”

Our Bachelor begins to sweat through his ice blue Henley. Nice move on the producers part for turning on the heat. Not that I mind. The sweat, clinging to his chiseled abdomen. The beads making their way down his manly neck. I almost got up to fetch the remote control but the moment was over. Brad was up and chugging a bottle of water, trying to hold on to the fundamentals taught by Dr. Jaime. POWER THROUGH THE PANIC ATTACK BRAD! YOU CAN DO IT!

The ABC psychotherapist coaxes a few pills into our Bachelor to help with the anxiety and Brad leaves Emily feeling totally defeated.

Rose Ceremony
Brad wakes from his slumber, crawls out of his bed shirtless to the window and greets the day. Finding a sudden burst of energy, we get up off the couch and retrieve the remote in order to rewind the scene that has just unraveled before us, knowing that this must be a critical moment in the story. We must get the details right.

A non-drowsy, perfectly coiffed hair Brad pretends to awake from his deep slumber. He crawls out of bed shirtless, freshly shaven and smelling like Ivory soap since he just showered, tussled his hair and then got back in the bed before this scene was shot. His massive arms grip the curtains covering a glorious South African sky and he smiles knowingly as the sunshine greets him that this is going to be a day he will never forget.

Each contestant gives her two cents about how she is ready to get married. Brad sadly puts on a shirt and admits that he has finally found the girl he wants to marry. Suddenly, there’s a knock at the door.

Dr. Jaime! We couldn’t end the season without another visit from him! He’s there with a diploma he created for Brad since he finally figured out what it takes to let a woman into his heart. Oh I hope they hug it out and Brad cries again. And uses his shirt to wipe the tears.

But wait. It’s not Dr. Jaime. It’s jeweler of the stars Neil Lane schlepping his briefcase of bling across several continents for Brad to choose an engagement ring fit for a Womack. Neil quickly points out the ring that Brad almost gave DDAHnna and Brad opts for the other one. Smart man.

Meanwhile, Chantal sits out by the pool, sunning only her face while sipping coffee and writing in her journal. One can only imagine the dissertation that was flowing from her complimentary One & Only fountain pen:

Dear Bradley,

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
1. You’re hot.
2. You’re teeth are strikingly white.
3. You call me babe.

You all get the idea.

Ironically, the camera then cuts to Emily sitting in her room, sipping coffee and writing in her own journal. One can only imagine the dissertation that was flowing from the end of her complimentary One & Only fountain pen:

– eggs
– milk
– cereal
– toilet paper
– wash Little Ricki’s soccer outfit
– get neighbor kid birthday present

Both ladies get dressed for the blessed occasion. Emily is in pale pink and Chantal is in deep green. Our Host Chris Harrison waits for the proposal limo to pull up and we all wait to see which color shoe will be emerging from beneath the door.

And it’s gold! Emily is going home. Brad is a douche for telling her that he was ready to be a father to her little girl. I am shocked, but at the same time feel that ABC’s editing always tricks us into thinking one thing and then…

But wait. This is not Emily’s perfectly styled pageant hair, thick makeup and pink bridesmaid dress exiting the limo. It’s Chantal’s beehive hair, thick makeup and deep green prom dress walking toward Our Host. And how sad that a bird had to die for Chantal’s shoulder to look that ridiculous. But I can’t think about that now. I must pay attention to what is going on!

Harrison walks Chantal to a clearing in the Savannah and points to Bradley in the distance. Chantal makes her way down a path, her bird feathers flopping in the wind, to a clearly uncomfortable Brad. He asks her nine times if she’s okay and then dives in to a speech dripping with compliments and adoration.

And then there’s the but. And I don’t mean Brad’s butt, although it did look pretty good in his super fly suit. I’m just saying.

Clearly, all the compliments magically go away when you dump the girl. He continues to pour it on as Chantal’s mascara pours down her face.

Brad: “Everything we have is real. I just have stronger feelings for someone else.”

For a brief moment, I thought since he didn’t say Emily’s name, because let’s face it, it’s not like we all don’t know that someone else is Emily, that Brad would choose Chantal’s Dad or Harrison unveiling the most controversial show in Bachelor history. No such luck.

Brad tries to get Chantal to open up and tell him that he’s not breaking her heart. She keeps her mouth shut and proceeds to take the longest rejection limo walk ever.

Brad: “Please believe me when I say I care about you. Just not as much as Emily. Or Little Ricki for that matter.”

She self destructs in the limo as the ABC Psychotherapist takes her through some simple Lamaze breathing techniques after Chantal refuses the anti-anxiety pills. Since there isn’t a single Kleenex in the entire rejection limo, the exit interview is a hot mess of snot, ugly crying, wilted bird feathers, random hiccups and Chantal wondering exactly what went wrong.

Back at the proposal pedestal sponsored by Home Depot, Brad is pacing in anticipation of Emily’s arrival. He knows he’s about to stutter and stammer in a stupid speech he wrote before getting down on one knee and asking Em to marry him.

Although it looked like he was reading cue cards, Brad delivers a pretty impressive speech that any normal girl would be delighted to be on the receiving end, especially the part where he said she was so much more than a leap of faith…she was the one.

Go Brad.

Then he said, “Come here to me.”

Moment almost lost, but not quite. Take your shirt off and let’s see what happens next.

Emily looks happy. Brad looks relieved. And I feel hopeful that this one will actually work. Sure the Bachelor track record is not stellar, but that’s not why we watch the show. We watch because we are hopeless romantics. How many times have I been told, “Lincee…life is not a romantic comedy. Get your head out of the clouds.”

I admit it. I’m that girl. I’m the one who secretly hopes Jake Ryan will ask me to make a wish in front of my birthday cake while sitting on his parents’ glass dining room table. I would love for Johnny Castle to proclaim that NOBODY puts me in a corner before snatching me up to dance. I want Justin Matisse to sneak a picture of himself in a stack of ruined snapshots holding flowers in front of his old beat up truck. I’d die if Noah Calhoun professed his love and kissed me in the rain. And I believe that there are Wesley’s out there in this great big world who would say, “As you wish” and truly mean it.

Call me crazy. Call me silly. But most importantly, call me if you know a sweet cowboy with a good heart who loves the Lord.

After the Final Rose
Our Host Chris Harrison invites Chantal out first so she can parade around in a tight little red, “you didn’t hurt me” dress. She admits that they had an undeniable chemistry and it was shocking to find out that Brad was not in love with her.

The pause after this statement was so pregnant, the water broke and after several minutes of labor, it birthed another pause. Naturally during this time, Chantal began to cry. Harrison chooses this time to bring out Bradley.

All in agreement that this is extremely awkward, Harrison invites Chantal to ask her questions.

Chantal: “At what point did you know it wasn’t me?”
Brad: “There’s no denying our chemistry and friendship. I didn’t want to give that up. We had so much fun and I wanted you to stick around.”

Chantal a bit perturbed: “You make it sound like you had to keep me around because you needed a number two.”
Brad: “That’s not the case. What Emily and I have is very real.”

Chantal is crying now: “Look. I don’t mean to beat a dead horse…”

Harrison hands Chantal a Louisville Slugger.

The ever emotional roller coaster that is Chantal: “But you are discounting us. That’s very hard for me to hear.”
Brad: “I’m going to be honest. I love Emily. I needed the most entertaining back-up quarterback. Congratulations! You’re the runner up!”

At this point, I begin to feel a little sorry for Chantal. She’s spoiling her red satin dress with mascara stains and salty tracks from her tears. She plucks up some courage and politely responds:

Chantal: “I hope you are very happy with Emily.”
Brad: “I hear you are pretty happy too.”

What the what?!

Having apparently sipped a little bit of the leftover Michelle Kool-Aid, another personality appears and Chantal is happy as a clam to first remember and then share the fact that she has a boyfriend. I’m not saying her Daddy paid for this guy to take her mind off of the last six weeks she had just experienced, but it was so nice that this mysterious boyfriend appeared out of nowhere just in time to sweep her off her feet. Whether he still cares for her after her tear soaked performance with Bradley on the couch is still up in the air.

Good luck on the Bachelor Pad Chantal! Stay clear from supposedly charming men with tattoos and guitars slung on their backs.

Harrison chats it up with Brad before bringing Emily out so they can be a couple for the first time in public.

Brad: “Emily makes me want to be a better person. I’d marry her right now. I tried to marry her while the show was taping.”
Harrison: “Yeah. I was going to officiate. I bet Chantal is so ticked off back stage right now to know that I am an ordained minister. But for real, today was going to be your actual wedding day.”

What the what?! I’m so confused.

From what I can gather, the powers that be over at ABC convinced Emily that she should marry Brad on After the Final Rose. Instead, tabloid rumors coupled with the reality of seeing Brad stick his tongue down several throats each Monday night was a little too much for Emily to stomach. Apparently, they even broke up once since the show aired.

WHAT THE WHAT?!

Brad explains that their relationship is not a fairy tale and there are ups and downs. Harrison asks if they are in fact engaged and Brad answers, “I hope so.”

Have I missed something?

Our Host finally brings out Emily who is without her engagement ring. Brad turns to putty when she kisses him. She admits she loves him but also admits that they have “things they need to figure out before getting married.”

Emily: “I love him with every part of who I am. But I have to think of my daughter too. Could I marry him and move to Austin today? No.”

As if learning that Charlie Sheen is not at all insane and the last few months have been an extreme edition of something similar to the Joaquin Phoenix faux documentary, the audience gasps in horror and begin lighting torches to run Emily out of Los Angeles.

Emily admitted that watching the show was hard. She hated the fact that she was painted as a boring contestant and vowed that if she had been given zip lines dates and shark attack opportunities instead of lame picnics all the time, she might have been labeled as the fun-loving, hot single Mom. She vows to try and not self-sabotage this relationship but she’s scared that Brad will hurt her. Brad promises that she will never lose his love.

Seriously? What is this show I’m watching?

Harrison chooses to fuel the fire with one more log and asks what needs to be resolved in order for the almost happy couple to move forward.

Confirmed: Brad has a bit of a temper.
Confirmed: Emily is confused about what is her reality and what is reality TV.
Confirmed: Brad has no regrets and will stand by Emily as long as it takes her.
Confirmed: Emily can’t see her life without Brad in it.

Sooooo are they together or what? Are they engaged? Where’s the ring? Will Brad be moving to Charlotte before Emily moves her family to Austin? Where are the answers? Who can help?

DR. JAIME!!!

Just kidding. Who better to help than the trifecta of the Bachelor world? Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for therapy with Trista & Ryan, Mesnick & Molly and Ali & Roberto. Buckle up. It’s going to be a bumpy, and random ride.

Mesnick is the first to speak up, reminding the audience that he too was a single father.

Harrison: “True, but most people remember you rejecting Molly, only to ask her back on the After the Final Rose Goes Dark. Right?”
Mesnick: “Thanks for that Harrison.”
Molly: “Yeah. Thanks.”
Harrison: “See Emily? It can always be worse.”

Ryan, looking a little on the peaked side, rambled on about the perfect guy, and challenges, and some island you have to swim to. Sad that Britt wasn’t the winner, because she would have rocked this metaphor.

Roberto, en fuego Roberto, gives the best advice encouraging the happy (?) couple to live in a bubble and pretend that it’s just them.

Raise your hand if you miss Roberto. Let’s all take a moment to remember his baseball date with Ali.

Ahhh. Good times.

After the commercial break, the trifecta have made their way back to the studio audience. Brad takes this time to hand Emily her ring from his pocket and she happily slides it on the appropriate finger. The audience politely claps and Harrison reminds us all to tune in to Jimmy Kimmel Live to find out who (Ashley H. as if we didn’t know) will be the next Bachelorette.

And then he says goodbye.

Huh. It all seemed very random and confusing. At times I felt that Harrison was trying to lead Emily down a path she was determined NOT to walk. And I felt that stress. I have to give ABC props for allowing us to peak behind the proverbial curtain that we’ve all known was there for 20+ seasons. I appreciate that they didn’t edit out the fact that Emily is freaking out that it’s been six weeks and she’s finally seeing clearly after coming out of the money-is-no-object-let’s-travel-around-the-world-together haze. Kudos to Brad for appearing to really care for her and standing by until she feels comfortable with whatever this relationship may or may not be.

What did you guys think? Did you pick Emily from the beginning? Did you feel Harrison looked a little off (was it the hair?) during After the Final Rose? Are you excited about Ashley H. being our next Bachelorette? Do you think Roberto’s chin dimple is as adorable as I do?

As always, thanks so much to everyone for hanging in there with me during this subpar season. I appreciate it more than you know. Writing is my life and it is such a pleasure to have readers from around the globe actually laugh along with what I have to say. Sometimes, it’s even surreal. Here’s hoping we can make this a full-time gig one of these days. Then you can all say you knew me when!

Please visit back often for other posts, including the Dr Pepper photo contest, Hall of Fame and Hall of Shame, the ever-popular work antics and tales from a country girl in the big city.

Finally, the images and reports back from Japan are heartbreaking. I would encourage anyone reading to please give financially, physically or prayerfully to those hit by the tragic earthquakes and tsunamis. Please visit www.redcross.org to learn ways you can help.

Until the next time, I’m all about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee

Comments

120 Comments on "Come here to me so I can put a ring on it"

avatar
Sort by:   newest | oldest
Yup
Yup

Sweet season-finale recap, Lincee! Thanks for the laughs!!!

Ashley
Ashley

Fantastic recap! I especially loved the paragraph about the men from different movies…Justin Matisse, dear me, what I wouldn’t give for Justin Matisse! I have to say, I was almost emotional during the proposal until he said come here to me!

As for your questions, I did not pick Emily from the beginning. I thought it would be Chan-tell; OHCH did look a little off during ATFR; I am NOT excited about Ashley H. being the new Bachette; and finally, I do indeed find Roberto’s chin dimple to be adorable.

I don’t know what I will do with my Tuesday afternoons anymore now that the recap is going to be gone.

Bonnie Krueger

I have the utmost for respect for Emily. Who wouldn’t get sucked into the romance of amazing dates and romantic locations, free-all-you-can-drink wine and food. But once you get away from it and start watching the relationship unfold, who wouldn’t have doubts in the ‘real world”. In fact, I loved her comments during ATFR that she is struggling with all his other fantasy dates. She’s right. If he knew then that she was the one, Brad could have asked that ABC revoke that particular part of the date for all the women. If it really is only 6 wks then how well does he know any of the women to be having sex with them. I doubt they’ll make it to the altar.

Ally
Ally

Your recaps are fabulous. I sincerely hope you can translate this into a full-time job! I knew he would pick Emily for about 4/5 episodes now, it’s been pretty clear to me. I’ve never missed a bachelor/bachelorette season and I pride myself in knowing the order of girls to go home (once it’s after the initial weeks) and the order of roses as he/she hands them out. Haha, it’s true!

I wish Chan-tell were the new bachelorette, she’d be far more entertaining, and in my opinion, is far more likable, than Ashley. Oh well. Of course I’ll watch, here’s hoping there are some hottiesssss to look at (my faves from the past: Graham from DDahhhna’s season and Reid from Jillian’s). Oh and re Ashley I think she looked better pre-makeover. I don’t like the bangs OR dark hair. Am I alone here?

Well, good job Lincee! Your blog is great and you’re hilarioussss. I chuckle lots during your recaps! Go Gators!!

Kim
Kim

Lincee, perfect as usual! I am happy that Brad picked Emily only because I liked her the most. My 7-year old even ssid, she is so beautiful and much nicer than the other girls. I jsut hope they try and make a go of it. They both deserve happiness and hopefully they find that together.

Lincee, since Brad is over you still have the ever handsome cowboys on Amazing Race! Too bad they are taken or I might have found your cowboy, loving the Lord dream come true!! Until the next post, enjoy the tabloid rumors now!

Untilnexttime
Untilnexttime

Lincee, thanks for making it worth it to waste two hours every Monday night. I really hoped Brad would choose Chan-tell because he always said he could be herself around him. I think he was in awe of Emily’s beauty, but am not sure they are the perfect fit. I hope they are able to work it out with some of Dr. Jaime’s counseling, but we’ll see. I won’t be able to stand watching a whole season of “Ash,” but hopefully I can “like totally” at least read your blog. I wish they would have somehow chosen Chan-tell to be the next Bachelorette. Thanks for giving me something to look forward to every Tuesday!

Sus
Sus

Best part of the show, by far, was your recap!
love love love the laughs you have given me!
They made the show almost worth watching.

Allison
Allison

Ugh I don’t know about all this. I think ultimately Chantal is lucky she did not get picked. I never really liked Brad except to look at him and that can only last so long. I was so sure they were going to piuck Michelle for the Bachelorette. That would have been a million more times entertaining!!

theteacher
theteacher

Awwww I kinda like Em and Brad together, I hope they can work it out…but in reality, it should be easy in the beginning not such a struggle. Who knows.

Lincee, totally loved loved your movie references! I am a hopeless romantic as well 😉 Thanks for all the laughs, you are an amazing writer.

Jenna
Jenna

I had a feeling from the beginning that it was going to be Emily, but I have to say – I think he made the wrong choice. Yes, she is mature for a 24-year-old, and has lived through a terrible ordeal. BUT, in other respects, I think she’s very immature. I believe that she’s still carrying a torch for her lost love, and is not going to put that torch down anytime soon. I also can’t see her relinquishing any kind of control when it comes to raising Lil Ricki, and that’s where they’re really going to run into some even tougher problems.
I thought her comments about parenting were sort of valid, but as a mother of a 3-year-old, I found myself saying, “Sure it’s not all fun and games, but when you parent together, 9 times out of 10, you’re both there drinking beer and watching the game together.” I know her reality is different from mine because she is a single mother, but she needs to realize that after the kid pukes all over you, and you put her to bed, you can sit down with your husband, look at each other, laugh, and drink a glass of wine or eat crazy amounts of Girl Scout cookies, or whatever.
Plus, if he has anger problems, and as she admitted she gets pretty fiesty too, that is not a good combination. He even used the word “volatile” at one point to describe their relationship. They’re not going to make it.
And don’t get me started on his sisters-in-law. What they said about Chantal never fitting in, or getting it because she’s not a mother was utterly absurd. And I’m a mom! All I could think of was how terribly snobby they sounded.

Kat
Kat

I think Brad confused the jeweler with his therapist. The guy’s facial expressions during Brad’s ramblings were hilarious.

I’m not going to jump on the “Emily is so boring” bandwagon, because I never really trust whatever ABC chooses to show us. They show us the awkwardness to hide the fact she’s the one he chooses. I was an Emily fan all along so I’ll keep rooting for them.

Final question – have women on this show SERIOUSLY never watched the damn show?

newone
newone

Thanks, Lincee for your humorous recaps! Emily so played Brad! Even though he was a bore, she should have known that she might need to relocate and she used this as an excuse in “After the Final Rose”. Has she never watched the show before? Of course, the bachelor takes advantage of the overnight dates. That is why we watch, right? Good luck, Chan-tell!

Erin
Erin

From the moment I first noticed that the ABC Intern forgot to schedule OHCH’s haircut, I was somewhat uncomfortable during the “After the Rose” show . . . Brad is all in, but Emily is still too busy with the “Are you SURE you are ready for all this?” mantra. Maybe the age difference is catching up with them?

meghan
meghan

i was left feeling so out of the loop after the After the Final Rose special. holy shiza.

I wasn’t at all shocked that emily would win. “bradley”‘ wasn’t very good at not showing favorites. i was more surprised by big boobed betsy’s inability to fully zip her wetsuit. can you say sharkbait? she was giving the poor seals a run for their money.

i wasn’t too thrilled at the possibility of ashley h. being the next bachelorette, but after the Women Tell All special, i sort of liked her more…? i don’t know, we’ll just have to see. hopefully she takes it down a notch or two. or is prescribed some ritalin of sorts. whatever works.

DorkyTwilightReference
DorkyTwilightReference

Great recap, Lincee!

Have you ever thought about how Jake from sixteen candles and Edward from Twilight have a lot in common??? I know you are a Jacob fan, but they really have a lot in common- hot older guys, driving great cars, with perfect manners, picking the homely girl b/c she is beautiful on the inside…. Love me some Jake and Edward!
Oh and THANK YOU for reminding me of Noah and that kiss in the rain. LOVE that movie! Best kiss ever!
Just wondering where Llyod Dobler was? Don’t you want someone to hold a boombox up for you? Don’t sell yourself short… you deserve that!

Anywho… Good for Emily for wanting to wait and see what happens in the real world! Life is not the same as 6 weeks of paid for vacation. She is right to question his sincerity based on the fact he was hooking up with Chantal in the fantasy suite! EEEEEWWWW! Can you imagine? We now find out he has a bad temper too? I am glad she is taking it slow. No need to uproot your child unless he really is the one.
With that said, I loved his proposal. It seemed sincere… except his over used “Come here to me” line. (Old habits die hard I guess!) Even so, they are the first bach couple in a long time, if not ever that I am really rooting for!

wpDiscuz