Congratulations Roberto! Or should I say Row-bear-toe?
I think most of us would be willing to agree that this was a pretty good season. I am indifferent when it comes to Ali, but I thoroughly enjoyed the gaggle of men who paraded before us during the opening ceremonies. Sure her journey to find true love was besmirched by the sneaky motives of Rated-R, crazy antics of Kasey and bold professions of love, albeit not to our Bachelorette, but to Frank’s Polly Pocket girlfriend Nicole. That fun drama helped us not notice so much that Ali was totally smitten with Roberto and endeared to Cape Cod Chris. The best finales are always the ones in which America would be happy with our Bachelorette choosing either suitor. Half of us our excited for the couple but take greater pride in updating our Facebook status to read, “Ali chooses Roberto! I told you so!” The other half are ecstatic that our crush is still available and if we could only score the opportunity to see him at one of the many meet-n-greets ABC will inevitably set up in Massachusetts, he would fall truly, madly, deeply in love with me at first sight.
This is all hypothetical of course.
And if you have no romantic bone in your body, at least you will never have to see the footage of Frank opening up his cabana doors, Ali in her Flashdance outfit flinging herself upon his torso and the tired, sad, “I’m about to throw up” voice of Nicole’s lover uttering after a pause about three seconds too long… “We have to talk.”
Can I get an AMEN?
We begin the final leg of our love story meeting the parents in Bora Bora. There’s a canned shot of rolling waves, lush green landscape and Ali on a sailboat, her hot pink pashmina whipping in the wind, as she reflects on her journey thus far.
Ali: “It’s been super difficult like traveling the world, and like choosing which tropical flower to put in my hair. I mean stuff like that is super impor-ant. These are like the challenges that I like deal with every day. For example, Frank told me that he wears skinny jeans because the 80s are back. I told him that tuck and roll was more of an 80s jeans thing, but he didn’t care. However, I know he knows what’s hot in fashion. I’m like having a hard time finding neon accessories for my wardrobe. I want Roberto to know that he’s going to marry a girl that is super chic. Plus, florescent orange tank tops and day glow hats will help him spot me in the VIP section of the stands when he’s playing baseball.”
ABC psychotherapist: “Ali. Roberto sells insurance for a living. He doesn’t play baseball anymore.”
Ali: “Nonsense. I have his jersey. Can you have the ABC intern run down to Michael’s and get me some slick paint in neon colors? And a few black lights? Do they make Le Zinc anymore? I have a fantasy date planned he’ll never forget!”
ABC psychotherapist: “What about Chris?”
Ali: “I love Chris Harrison. He’s the bomb dot com.”
ABC psychotherapist: “I meant Cape Cod Chris.”
Ali: “Oh right. He’s soooooooo sweet.”
The camera cuts to Ali leaning against a tree in her hot pink bikini with neon yellow sarong around her waist. Her boobs are lifted up in perfect cleavage, Tahitian flower in her tasseled hair extensions and a nice set of abs I’m convinced have been painted on her mid-section. She tells the camera that Roberto makes her feel safe but not in a weird guarding or protection sort of way. She continues to wonder if he is too good to be true, admitting that would suck because she’s falling in love with him.
She compares Chris to a teddy bear and reminds us that their relationship is progressing slowly.
This is when I begin to feel the tendency to guard and protect Cape Cod’s heart.
Roberto Meets the Parents
Theme: Salsa Will Almost Always Win the Affection of Any Woman
Roberto is first to meet the family. He greets Ali with a genuine “hey beautiful” and passionately kisses her for 10 minutes before pretending to admit that he is nervous. He’s carrying a gift bag for the family. We assume it’s full of nothing but his essence. Ali introduces him to her parents, brother Mike and sister Raya and Raya’s boobs. Ali giggles incessantly while sharing that Roberto speaks Spanish and won her over by teaching her to salsa dance on the very first night they met.
Raya, whom I’m assuming studied abroad one summer in Guatemala, phonetically pronounces Roberto—“RRRRow-bear-toe.” She even rolled the “r” sound. I got a kick out of this for some reason. It reminded me of the broadcast anchors who use non-regional diction during their newscasts and then speak all Latin words with a Spanish accent.
Raya invites RRRRow-bear-toe to join her and her mute brother Mike on the verrrrranda. Meanwhile, Ali gets some alone time with Mom and Dad.
Ali: “He just makes me feel calm, you know? He brings me to a peaceful place.”
Mom: “He knows you need that calming wave over you.”
Dad: “Like a Chihuahua.”
Ali’s Mom pulls Roberto away and asks if he has any questions for her. Roberto, without a moment of pause, asks what he can do to keep Ali happy.
Mom: “Do what you are doing.”
Roberto smiles to himself, knowing that he hasn’t event scratched the surface when it comes to doing what he does best.
The Mom begins to cry because she is enamored by Roberto’s awesomeness. I imagine this was much like my Mom’s reaction when she saw Elvis in concert for the first time. Roberto is used to this response from women. Typically, he would not fuel the fire with physical touch, but he needs to make an impact on this woman. Instead of sending her over the edge with a perfectly sculpted arm around her shaking shoulders, he decides to place a gentle hand on hers. Mom begins blushing and fanning herself. The heat is palpable.
He just can’t help it.
Roberto: “I’m going to care for her and take great care of her.”
Mom: “Yo creo que tu corazon es puro.”
Roberto: “You need to borrow a cup of sugar?”
Mom: “Is that what I said?”
Roberto: “I’m just kidding. You think my heart is pure. Thank you.”
Roberto left rocking the Mom vote. Mom left thinking Roberto is smart, loving and funny to boot. Isn’t he the dreamiest?
But enough with the Roberto charm. It’s time to get the Dad’s blessing. It’s time to face the tough questions and have this impor-ant conversation.
Dad: “How do you feel about Ali?”
Roberto: “I care for your daughter a lot. I want to make her happy. It’s impor-ant to me that I have your blessing.”
Dad: “Do you love Ali?”
Roberto: “I do. She has so much to offer. I want to keep her smiling…not just for the next few months but long-term.”
Dad: “You seem great. I don’t see a problem with that. Can you get me tickets to any baseball games?”
Dad: “You’re in America son. Speak American.”
Roberto: “Of course. But know that I’ve promised my personal suite to Harrison when he’s in town. I’m sure you understand.”
Roberto continues to charm his way into the Fedotowsky clan by offering impromptu salsa lessons to the Mom. I thought she was going to either melt in a puddle right then and there or get in a fight with Raya for not sharing. Either way, Roberto endeared himself to Ali’s family and everyone agrees he could fit right in. Mute Mike sketches out a quick rendering of where everyone should stand in the 2010 family Christmas photo, placing himself on Roberto’s immediate left. In the end, all agree that it would be best if Roberto was the only one featured in the shot. Ali is convinced she can talk him into wearing his baseball uniform.
Cape Cod Chris Meets the Parents
Theme: Having Everything in Common Doesn’t Really Matter
Once again, Ali opts out of dressing cute for Cape Cod Chris. Instead of a flirty little strapless number like she wore for Roberto, Ali wears her favorite pair of comfortable shorts and a tank top with her hair extensions pulled back in a braid. Ali asks Chris if he is nervous. He answers, “Should I be?”
This, ladies and gentlemen, is another reason we love Chris.
The Cape brings a basket of fruit for the Fedotowskys and greets everyone in the circle. Ali announces that Chris is from Massachusetts and the crowd goes WILD! He shares that his Dad used to be a teacher. Ali’s Dad offers that he used to be a Physics teacher. Chris offers that he was a math teacher. Raya said that she always wanted to be a teacher. Mike bets that Roberto could be a teacher and day dreams about being spanked. Yay teachers!
Ali’s Mom asks about his mother and Chris shares a respectful Cliffs Notes version of the tale. Ali’s Dad mentions he grew up in Montreal. Chris shares that his own Dad is Canadian. Ali scowls remembering that all Canadians have multiple girlfriends and Raya wonders if Roberto can speak French like they do in some parts of Canada, eh? Mike’s French maid day dream is interrupted by the Mom requesting, again, more details about the passing of Chris’ mother. Can someone call a party foul on this woman? Geez! Of course he obliges with reverence and grace.
Kaya, wearing a boob-enhancing Mexican sundress in honor of Roberto’s absence, invites Chris out to the verrrrranda to dip his feet in the Jacuzzi hot tub in the middle of 90-degree Tahitian sweltering heat to see how he’s progressing through this process. Mute Mike releases the two top buttons on his shirt, just like Chris, and rolls up his pants so he can soak his feet.
Chris: “I wanted to make this as natural and real as I could. It’s a weird situation. You wouldn’t go up to a girl at a bar and say you loved her. I wanted this to be as slow and steady as I could make it. Your sister is an incredible girl. I would have left if I didn’t feel it. I want to find my soul mate…my one. The fact that I have is amazing.”
Let’s hear it for the first NORMAL reality show contestant in the history of reality shows. You’re killing me with your astute thinking Chris!
It’s now time for Chris to ask the Dad’s permission to marry Ali. The conversation goes similar to Roberto’s talk. Apparently, in order to win Ali’s hand in marriage, you have to say you love her and will take care of her.
Translation: Her lack of income will be the fiancé’s problem..not his.
Poor Chris goes on and on about soul mates and blessings and being happy wherever Ali is happy. He’s convinced he will be proposing in a few days and is determined to enjoy Red Sox games with the man before him, as well as be a manly figure to the girl inside. And by girl I mean Mute Mike.
The Fedotowskys and Cape Cod Chris all put on swimsuits, or in case of the Mom, a 1930s bathing dresses, and jump in the water. Everyone holds their nose. It must be a Massachusetts thing. Ali backs into Chris’ treading water arms and wraps her legs around him. Mute Mike takes notes and Raya wonders if Roberto has any cute brothers.
The brother is sadly taken Raya. I feel your pain.
Later, with her extensions looking mighty orange and frazzled, Ali assures Chris that he did a great job with her family. Even if he doesn’t have any dimples or dance skills, he does have a house at the Cape.
Ali thanks him for coming. He says, “My pleasure.”
I love that response. It’s so gentlemanly. And I love a good, strong gentleman.
She fondled his nipples. Just as I began to think that was weird, the FCC censor kicked it and he got up to walk back down the bridge toward his cabana. He mentions that walking away from her is the hardest thing he has ever done (swoon) and that he wishes they could just be together already.
Ali looks like she is miserable and tells the camera that it’s not about the guy…it’s about the guy who is right for her. Luckily, she has a group of highly sensitive family members to help her figure out her dilemma, including her divorced parents, a sister who has the hots for Roberto and an ambiguously gay brother.
One-On-One with Roberto
Ali waits for Roberto in her florescent yellow and white tie-dye off-the-shoulder swimsuit cover-up. Roberto trots up to her, flashes his dimples and says, “hey beautiful” for the second time in an hour.
I don’t care who you are. Any girl would love that. Take notes gentlemen. Take notes.
The dynamic duo ride around with reckless abandon on a jet ski. Ali thinks Roberto is like so hot for being fearless on this death machine. Be can’t help but flashback to poor Cape Cod Chris driving two miles-per-hour on his scooter in Istanbul not Constantinople. Bless his heart.
When making their way to the private island, Ali and Roberto come across a school of sting rays. Roberto hops into the water and suggests they bond with these amazing creatures. Where’s the harm in that, right?
Two words for you Roberto: Crocodile Hunter.
Proving that he can captivate animals as well as most humans, the sting rays appear to be mesmerized by Roberto’s presence. Ali shrieks like a girl and holds on to Roberto for dear life. He whispers sweet nothings in her ear, strokes the backs of both Ali and the sting rays and promises to be “that guy” who will always protect his lady.
Just as Ali and Roberto begin to make out on the private beach, it starts to rain. Instead of heading for shelter, they walk hand-and-hand into the water. He picks her up and twirls her around.
I have to hand it to ABC for the romantic moment. Making it rain? Props to you young intern. You are really earning your paycheck this year.
Back at his cabana, Roberto lights several candles and makes sure the champagne is chilling. He knows that there is so much more to be said. I agree. Such as, why is Ali wearing a black jumpsuit from the 70s? But this isn’t about me. This is about Roberto and his feelings.
And the best way to share feelings is to liquor her up, get horizontal in the bed and present her with a present of the two of you in the kidney-shaped lagoon. According to the fact-finding I conducted with my pause button on the old DVR…the picture was of Roberto’s back to us holding Ali in an embrace.
A photo of Roberto’s backside? He’s in it to win it people!
He wrote her a short novel on the back claiming that she inspires her to be a better man. Then he reads some in Spanish. Ali giggles.
Ali tells Roberto this was “the most fun date of her whole time” she’s been in Tahiti. Then she asks if Roberto has a type. Of course, Roberto answers that he doesn’t have a type.
That’s like asking Chris Harrison if he has a favorite suit. Please. They all look good. Choosing a favorite seems a frivolous activity.
Roberto tells Ali that he told her Dad he loved her. Ali giggles, makes a pouty face with her lips and then transitions into her baby talk voice shouting to Roberto that her heart is literally, LITERALLY about to explode out of her chest.
Roberto asks her to stay. She kicks the crew out of the cabana, except for the ABC intern who has to wave a palm fronds so Roberto won’t sweat to death, and we hear her whine about how she doesn’t want to go on the date with Chris tomorrow.
One-On-One with Cape Cod Chris
We witness about 15 minutes of Chris giving us every detail into his heart and love for Ali. He’s ready to propose and begin his life with her and wants to take the next step.
We hear a knock and Chris opens the door to a frazzled Ali who looks as if she has just run a few dozen miles on the beach. Her hair is in serious disarray, her yoga pants are baggy and there is not a stitch of anything neon or remotely related to the 80s on her entire body.
Something is up.
Ali pulls Chris to the couch and eloquently tells him she doesn’t know what to do, except that she does and that he is the coolest guy ever, but “someone else” is hotter and that he’s the best man she’s ever met, but not really because she knows if two people enjoy spending time with each other, that doesn’t necessarily mean anything.
Ali: “Do you understand what I’m saying?
Chris: “I’ve been Franked.”
Ali: “I just didn’t want to put you through tomorrow because it would be too hard.”
Chris: “I learned to put myself out there. Thanks for being honest.”
With the saddest puppy dog eyes ever, Ali hugs him goodbye.
Chris: “Good luck tomorrow. And go found out if he loves you.”
What a great guy. Not only was he dignified, he didn’t even laugh in her face when she told him to “hang in there.” The last thing he needed was a camera stuck in his face and you know the ABC Psychotherapist did her best to make him cave. But he continued down the “Ali is a great girl” train and declared he wanted to see her happy at the end of this journey.
Ten minutes after she leaves, a rainbow appears. In all his hurt and confusion, Chris knew his Mom was saluting him for putting himself out there for love. He knew his Mom was telling him he would be okay.
That’s when we all cried. Thank you ABC for not cheesing us out by playing Israel Kamakawiwo’ole’s version of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.”
As Chris schleps his bags to his water taxi, we shed yet another tear.
Chris: “If I had to do it again, I wouldn’t change a damn thing. Life is all about sharing experience with someone. I want that person who is everything to me. That’s what I want. So I’m not there yet. I have to keep looking. Just gotta keep looking.”
I’m right here Chris. I’m right here.
The morning of the proposal, Ali eats breakfast with her feet on the table and tells us that her heart is not capable of loving more than one man. Roberto sits by the pool with stationary and a pen. We assume he’s answering one of his many fan mail letters. He’s interrupted by Neil Lane and his briefcase full of bling. Roberto sweats profusely and makes his choice within minutes. He plays with his chin dimple and I swoon.
Then Roberto takes a shower.
Did you get that? Let me rewind and say it again.
For the love of all things chiseled…Roberto takes a shower.
Because he has just waltzed around a bathroom only in a white towel, I will forgive him for wearing a suit that appeared to be a size too small with a neck too big. And let the record show that I’m convinced Our Host Chris Harrison helped Ali into her gold billowy gown. Check out the hands. They were those of a man.
Roberto arrives via boat. He’s been in the sun for two minutes and has already sweat through his dress shirt.
C’mon guys. You’ve been with him for three days in Tahiti. You know he has “issues” with sweat glands. Sure he probably smells like a mixture of dew drops, freshly mown grass and smoldering fire, but it’s embarrassing to have a collection of moisture on your forehead and upper lip when professing your love. Can’t we get a canopy or something?
Not only that, but you make him climb 100 stairs to get there? If he’s going to put forth that much effort, there should at least be an employee party where promiscuous crew members are dirty dancing to tunes from the 60s.
You know Harrison could totally rock biting his bottom lip and giving the “come hither” finger wag. I’d drop my watermelon to go dance with him for sure!
Speaking of Harrison, he FINALLY arrives looking rather relaxed in his sharp slate suit. No telling what shenanigans he got himself into since he didn’t have to bother with a fake mentor session with Ali. He doesn’t even climb the stairs. He has two minutes of providing Roberto with an oxygen tank and handkerchief to wipe his sweaty brow before heading back to paradise.
How cool is Chris Harrison?
Roberto finally makes it to Ali looking like he’s wandered the desert for 40 days and 40 nights. Barely able to speak, Ali doesn’t help the situation by sticking her tongue down his throat. He tells her he wants to be the man in her life. She tells him he is the only guy for her. They share I love yous. Roberto gets down on one knee and asks her to share his life. She says yes.
Then Roberto passes out of heat exhaustion. ABC rolls the pre-packaged “Ali & Robert = Heart” montage to the tune of “Can You Feel the Love Tonight.”
Worst song in the history of Disney movies. I would have fast forwarded had it not been for the reminiscing moment of Roberto in his baseball uniform. I paused and gawked for a few minutes and then moved on.
Ali: “I have one more question to ask. Roberto will-o you accept-o this rosa?”
After the Final Rose
In the most boring After the Final Rose ever known to man in the history of this show, I decided to bring back a fan favorite and beta cap the hour-long misery in one short paragraph. Enjoy:
Our Host macking, Lincee adoring, Ali beaming, Pocahontas dress wearing, ring blinging, Frank regurgitating, “Ali…we have to talk” again-ing, Frank bashing, Frank not showing, Ali seething, Ali admitting to Frank liking, Lincee blessing Cape Cod’s aching, Ali forgiving, Cape exuding true emoting, Our Host rehashing, Chris firmly standing, wishful thinking, wedding proposing, love falling, heart breaking, Cape understanding, Ali smiling, Cape smiling, everyone looks good agreeing, Ali respecting, Cape thanking, rainbow crying, miracles happening, impor-ant messaging, Cape congratulating, Lincee swooning, Roberto appearing, Ali woo hoo-ing, Roberto heating, Lincee agreeing, Ali swooning, Roberto dimpling, public display of affectioning, apartment finding, apartment sharing, Roberto working, Dancing with the Stars finger crossing, Our Host gifting, Catalina islanding and of course, helicopter riding.
Here’s hoping Roberto and Ali have found true love. I’m rooting for these crazy kids to make it. Lord knows we don’t want to see them on season two of The Bachelor Pad next year.
Thanks to everyone for a great season. And a special shout-out goes to four gals in Alabama who went above and beyond during their special Bachelorette finale watching party last night.
SaraLynn, Adrienne, Aubrey and Rachael…you blew me away with these photos. Quoting me on a cupcake? Adorable!!!
Thanks for the love! I’ll see you guys next week when my head will more than likely occupy the deep cracks of my couch cushions for the majority of The Bachelor Pad.
Can’t. Hardly. Wait.
Until then, I’m all about the shame, not the fame,