Tom Bergeron is hilarious. I would share dinner with him if given the opportunity. (If anyone can make that happen, call me.) I love how he opens the show with this gem:

“Get ready for a spray tan tour through time!”

And follows up with this:

“Sasha gets out of the crab outfit to dance with Nastia!”

There were black and white montages, strange ninja warriors and enough exposed female sternums for me to assume that this episode must be sponsored by Heart Surgeons of America. Welcome to the Dancing with the Stars recap! Let’s break down the dances.

Riker and Allison
1920s
Quickstep
Riker is pumped that he and Allison are considered frontrunners in the competition. Yet all he wants is a 10 from crotchety Len Goodman. Allison thinks the best way to achieve this goal is to dress as a flapper who storms the field at a baseball game to quickstep around the bases with Riker. I was a touch bored, until they started tapping. Then things really got fun. Len couldn’t contain himself and awarded the first 10 of the season. The other judges didn’t agree at all.
Score: A respectable 37

Chris and Witney
1940s
Foxtrot
Witney told Chris that he needs to put the fear of being voted off into this dance, because it could happen tonight. Yay for encouragement! He’s a sailor at a train station, asking the pretty blonde for one dance before he’s shipped off to war. Well, Chris and three other dudes doing the same thing, but who’s counting. It was billowy and fun. The judges LOVED it.
Score: 31

Rumer and Val
Jive
1950s
First of all, when did Bruce Willis become an old man? Second, when did Demi become a plastic woman? Val gives Rumer whiplash and she cries. She’s clearly overtired. Then Val choreographs a routine where (again) a ton of boys are dancing around a beauty salon with brooms. Should we be concerned that there is that much hair on the ground to require so many janitors? Rumer was fine, but the dance was the slowest jive I’ve ever seen. Val does so much better in the Latin dances. Rumer’s glitter bloomers were my favorite part. That’s not weird.
Score: 35

Nastia and Sasha
Modern Charleston
I’m calling UNFAIR on this entire dance. First of all, why did they get a LIVE performance from an actual musician? And what era exactly is “Modern Charleston?” Derek broke his toe and then sprained his ankle earlier in the week. He SHOULD be out, but Derek doesn’t know how to relinquish the spotlight. Instead of choreographing a routine for Nastia and Sasha, he inserts himself (and 30 other people) into the dance. There’s lots of sitting choreography, where Derek is front and center. Then Nastia and Sasha get up to dance together. And by dance, I mean a ton of body rolls. I guess this is the “modern” part of Charleston. They keep returning to the bench so Derek can shine. Then there’s a weird slo-mo part that felt odd. Finally, Derek lets Nastia and Sasha dance again, but he stands up on his subway seat and starts SINGING with Andy Grammer, the live performer. How in the world is all of that fair?
Score: 38

Noah and Sharna
1970s
Jazz
Noah started the routine with a pimp cane. He was the leader of a gang. A gang of hippies. There was a lot of pelvic thrusting by all 90 people on stage. Sharna’s Afro was a work of art. And I kind of wish Noah hadn’t ditched the cane. With that said, this was the first time I noticed how Sharna choreographs routines where she (and her league of backups) only use one arm. I assume she does this to provide uniformity with Noah’s lack of limb. Was it the best dance? Nah. But it was entertaining.
Score: 36

Robert and Kym
1980s
Argentine Tango
You can tell that this schedule is taking its toll on Robert. The Shark is tired. He does perk up when Kym mentions that the Argentine tango is a sexy, passionate dance. This is code for: You can grab my boob (twice) and it’s okay because it’s a sexy, passionate dance. Kym covered up Roberts awkwardness with back lighting and tons of smoke. But then she hoisted herself up on a tall pedestal. I was confused at first, but then realized that this position gave her the best advantage to mount Robert “chicken fight” style, but backwards. Meaning, her crotch was in his face. He swooped her down awkwardly where she somehow ended up on the floor. How this was 80s is beyond me. I see no day-glo attire. I see no crimping iron.
Score: 31

Willow and Mark
Futuristic Jazz Routine
What the crap does that mean? I’m glad you asked. Apparently in the future, we are all going to be ninjas. We are going to do a ton of rib isolations, balancing on one foot and then we’ll be pulled by string from one end of the floor to the other. Oh, and we’ll be wearing Hammer pants. Because everyone knows that eventually, even bad fashion comes back to haunt us.
Score: 37

Since Nastia and Sharna Derek had the highest score, they won immunity. They are safe from the dance-off. Riker and Allison are next in line, so they pick Willow and Mark as their competitors. Willow chooses salsa as the dance. She and Allison strip off their skirts to reveal Latin attire underneath.

Allison and Riker own the stage. They are both talented. Willow and Mark have their work cut out for them. Although their dance was fine, all I could think about was how I wanted to give Willow a rubber band for her hair and how I wanted to put more clothes on THE 14-YEAR-OLD GIRL. Even with all the thrusting and weird crotch twirly thing, Willow and Mark received the judges vote. RECALL!

Noah and Sharna chose to dance-off with Kym and Robert. Once again, Robert’s roving hands find Kym’s boobs during their cha-cha. Noah and Sharna were mediocre. There was a tie among the judges, so the winning vote comes from Sir Len. Congratulations to Noah and Sharna!

Rumer and Val glided across the floor during their foxtrot with ease. Chris looked like he was going to throw up all over Witney. I’m not sure who the judges picked because I probably fast forwarded through this part and I’m not invested enough to go back and look.

Tom gathers everyone on stage to turn on the red light of doom. One by one mouths drop open in shock as Robert and Chris are announced as saved. In the end, it’s Rumer and Willow who have a crimson hue cast over them. Tom pauses for five minutes before he lets the world know that the odds were not in Primrose’s favor.

Sweet Willow cries like a little girl. Probably because SHE IS ONE. Papa Tom gives her a hug and Mark cradles her in his ninja arms with a look of seething anger.

America will pay for this lapse in judgement.