‘Dancing with the Stars’ recap: America’s Choice

Dancing with the Stars

There are six couples left in the competition, yet Dancing with the Stars is still two hours long. How is this possible? And they didn’t even kick anyone off the show. We have to watch tonight to see the double elimination. Three hours of Dancing with the Stars? Who do they think they are? The Bachelor franchise?

The theme is America’s Choice. Just like the melting pot of these United States, America’s choice was pretty…eclectic. And some of the professionals decided to ditch what America wanted in lieu of keeping their shirts on.

I’m looking at you, Val.

Noah and Sharna
“Geronimo” by Sheppard

I’m quite confident that America probably didn’t vote for Noah to douse himself with tangerine-tinted spray tan solution. I also know that America asked Noah to perform in a military costume, to which he adamantly declined. Instead, he wore a white suit and held on to Sharna as she billowed around him. I was nervous he was going to fall the entire time.
Score: 31

The Farmer and Witney
“Lay Me Down” by Sam Smith

Witney and The Farmer decided to surprise the Twitter fan who suggested they do a sultry contemporary dance. As luck would have it, she and a dozen of her friends were all together, seated, in what looked to be a darling boutique. Yay for coincidences! During their dance, Witney tip toed around a bare chested Farmer as the audience held up their cell phones in solidarity. Upon a second glance, I noticed that they were actually fake candles like the ones my mom puts in the windows at Christmastime. Yay for free stuff! Just as I was about to mentally check out, The Farmer hoisted Witney above his head in an impressive Dirty Dancing move. I mean, he Patrick Swayze’d Witney as if she weighed nothing! The judges love him.
Score: 34

Riker and Allison
Viennese Waltz
“What Now” by Rihanna

One hilarious American suggested Riker and Allison dance in penguin suits with cactuses in the background (I believe the correct plural is cacti). Riker fought with Allison because she asked him to be vulnerable while he danced. He told her that was impossible since he’s trying to remember the steps. In the end, it was fine. Allison had enough emotion in her for the both of them. And the next couple. And the couple after that. Len was crotchety about the hold. I think he’s just ticked that America has no clue that the Viennese Waltz should never be choreographed to a Rihanna song.
Score: 39

Shark and Kym
“Champagne Kisses” by Jessie Ware

Kym and the Shark took to the street to ask middle-aged American women what they should do in their dance? Most of them suggested that Kym and Robert make out. Robert is all about this, and even has his chest waxed for the shirtless number on a rooftop. Well, it was a fake rooftop. There was lots of flinging and running and one very big awkward kiss somewhere in the middle. It ended with a choke hold. I was not a fan.
Score: 33

Dancing with the StarsNastia and Derek and Sasha
“Centuries” by Fall Out Boy

This was a gladiator theme and Derek was the king of course. Nastia “beats” Sasha in the ring after Derek gives him the universal signal for execution—a thumbs down. She kills Sasha with a swatch of red cloth. And then Derek stands with Nastia as if he had actually danced the number. Which he did not. Derek bugs.
Score: 36

Rumer and Val
“Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps” by Doris Day

This package begins with Val crying. He pushed Rumer too hard (hello whiplash) and then insisted on gimmicks to win. He is her protector and he failed since she ended up in the bottom last week. He’s throwing everything out the window and doing what he knows best—elegance. When he used Strictly Ballroom as his muse, I knew this was going to be good. She was in a sultry red dress. He was in a plunging neckline. There was an intense back light. All was as it should be.
Score: Perfect 40


Noah and Sharna with Emma
“Mr. Put It Down” by Ricky Martin

Noah was worried about adding a third person. However, adding Emma means two extra arms and two extra legs! Sharna didn’t know what to do with all the appendages floating around. It was amazing choreography and Noah was smiling the entire time. I thought it was well executed.
Score: 32

Chris and Witney with Lindsay
“Outside” by Calvin Harris

Bless his heart.
Score: 30

Riker and Allison with Brittany
“Little Party Never Killed Nobody” by Fergie

Riker used to dance in a crew. I’ll give you a moment to digest that sentence. Are we good? Okay, imagine Riker dancing in the front with Allison and Brittany partying behind him. In a nutshell, they were his fly girls and Riker may have thrown a little Michael Jackson crotch grabbing action in there for good measure. It was non-stop.
Score: 39

Shark and Kym with Jenna
“Cinema Italiano” by Kate Hudson in the musical Nine

Robert was flustered handling two women. So they put him in some sunglasses to cover up his obvious nervousness. The dance was horrendous. And all the judges thought so too. They basically said he couldn’t dance, but he looked good trying.
Score: 29

Nastia and Derek with Sasha
“Vampire Weekend” by Diane Young

Nastia wasn’t picking up the jive at all. She became frustrated and refused to talk to the crew about what was going on. In her mind, that’s unprofessional. Never let them see you cry—no matter who “them” is. She bounced back, dancing with both the injured reserved Derek on one side of a wall and the bench warmer Sasha on the other side. If I hadn’t known better, I would have guessed it was a weirdo Mark number. The judges loved it.
Score: 40

Dancing with the StarsRumer and Val with Artem
Latin Music

Rumer was excited to get to dance with both Val and Artem. She wants to know if they are going to be shirtless? And excellent question. Val scoffs, annoyed that he and Artem always get exploited for their gorgeous bodies. They are more than pecs and handsome faces. Rumer reminds them that America chooses and America wants to see the abs! They do not comply. It’s a good thing he reached back into his Strictly Ballroom bag of tricks, or I would have not voted for them. It was powerful. There were no gimmicks. No tricks. Just dance. (Trademark pending until my lawyers speak to Nike.)
Score: 40

Tune in tonight to see who will be joining Tom and Erin in the semi-finals!


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