‘Dancing with the Stars’ recap: Spring Break!!!!

Dancing with the Stars

As Tom Bergeron announced that this week’s Dancing with the Stars theme was “Spring Break,” several things went through my mind.

  • What is this “Spring Break” you speak of, and how can I get one?
  • Does this mean Val will be shirtless?!
  • Will Bruno take a body shot off of Len?
  • Something tells me the JV dance troupe will be out in full force. I can feel it.

The night was mediocre for me. And it wasn’t just because Val was NOT shirtless (really Dancing with the Stars costume department?). Noah’s bare torso sort of canceled out that mishap. The night was boring for me because the dances were meh. It’s obvious that the contestants are tired. Their lack of energy translated onto the screen.

But there was a bright star in the middle of a lackluster group of contestants. That star is Riker.

Patti Artem
Quickstep
“Heat Wave” by Martha & The Vandellas
Queen Patti told us she would be wearing a bikini during her number. Then she giggle and said, “Psyche!” 1.) Let’s bring “psyche” back and 2.) This lady is delightful. I don’t care that she wore a white caftan as the JV girls pranced around her in bikinis. The woman accidentally flung her own shoe (aimed at the head of that one backup dancer for sure) and then danced the QUICKSTEP lopsided. Tom rushing to retrieve the shoe after the performance and then announcing he was going to sell it on E-Bay was the best line of the night. Gotta love The Berge.
Score: 29

Derek and Nastia
Tango
“Summer” by Calvin Harris
In case you didn’t know, Derek and Nastia are the busiest people on the planet. You should feel sorry instead of punishing them by not voting because she is an Olympic champion and she can’t help but be naturally talented. Their dance was blah to me. I’m not a huge fan of techno music. Dancing to low bass beats while tangoing around the floor seemed odd. I did enjoy when Derek whipped her down on the ground and Nastia twirled in plank position like a helicopter blade. Excuse me while I go work on my core by doing a few thousands pushups.
Score: 34

Willow and Mark
Salsa
“Tequila” by The Champs
Newsflash—Primrose has an extra rib. We’re unsure if this is true or if the Dancing with the Stars doctor is trying to score some sympathy votes because the “I’m on 14” bit has run its course. Willow and Mark danced with 90 extras. You can imagine the duck faces with that many teenagers on stage. (GET OFF MY LAWN.) Willow’s fluffy yellow skirt was fun, but you could tell she was tired. Must be that extra rib weighing her down.
Score: 34

Kym and Robert
Jive
“Surfin’ Safari” by The Beach Boys
Robert isn’t used to being at the bottom. Fortunately, his last place status has made his connection with Kym so much stronger. Fear of not making out behind the scenes will do that to a person. They placed an entire car on the dance floor for 10 seconds of choreography. Kudos to the ABC Intern for securing that Thunderbird. Robert was on the beat, but his timing was off the entire dance. With that said, they looked like they were having a ball. She was dressed like Barbie’s older sister. He looked like Ken’s dad.
Score: 28

Noah and Sharna
Rumba
“Waves” by Mr Probz
In the intro package, Sharna and Noah get into a “you’re not respecting me” fight. Then the camera cuts to the two of them preparing to dance. The intro package haunted Noah the entire time he performed. Some say he was off. I wouldn’t know because I focused on his abs. They were definitely ON.
Score: 29

Rumer and Val
Jazz
“Bootylicious” by Destiny’s Child
Sweet Val is not bootylicious. It’s not in his Russian heritage. Rumer, on the other hand, has plenty to go around. So much so, that I saw more of her inner butt cheeks than I care to admit. And there was some seductive floor crawling by Rumer, flanked by her all female entourage. I think it’s a travesty that I could probably sketch out the inner undercarriage workings of these young women. YOU ARE A PRIME TIME NETWORK, ABC.
Score: 32

The Farmer and Witney
Vienese Waltz
“Hopelessly Devoted To You” by Olivia Newton-John
Nothing says “Happy Hour at Senior Frogs” like the most popular ballad of 1978 where a girl wanders around a Pink Lady’s backyard in her nightgown. That random song choice aside, I did enjoy the montage where Witney is teaching The Farmer how to feel the beat. He roams around banging things, clapping his hands and stepping in time with the music a la Footloose. After all that, I had high expectations of him performing as Willard did at the prom. And to be honest? It wasn’t that far off. You go Farmer!
Score: 31

Riker and Allison
Samba
“Work It” by Missy Elliott – JUST KIDDING
“Want To Want Me” by Jason Derulo
Due to Riker’s convictions of dancing to a rather sexual song, he and Allison lost a day waiting for producers to secure a substitute. Then he went on tour with his music group. Allison basically made up the dance and taught him at the same time. And it was really fun. Allison’s earrings were flying. Riker’s hair was flying. There was enthusiasm. You can’t teach that. I want him to win!
Score: 37

TEAM DANCES

Team Yolo
“Wipeout” by the Surfaris
First of all, you know how I feel about the term YOLO.

Bachelor Farmer

Nastia is the group captain. She gives everyone a pep talk and then she and Derek leave for New York. “Good luck teammates!  We’ll learn the dance in five seconds when we get back!” In a nutshell, there were a lot of beach balls, colorful towels, Noah flung Sharna around, lots of “o” mouths and the entire catalog of Beach Blanket Bingo choreography. I considered it a hot mess. The judges loved the chaos.
Score: 39

Team Trouble
“Trouble” by Someone I’m Too Lazy To Research
As team captain, Rumer explains that she wants Breakfast Club to meet Grease. I was nervous that Witney was going to show up in her pink nightgown again, but the “Grease” part of the performance remained a mystery. There were jocks, nerds, bad boys and a teacher’s pet maybe? Queen Patti bounced along pretending to write on a chalkboard. That was the extent of her participation. Riker rocked it nerd style. Chris wore a letter jacket without a shirt. And Rumer kept her butt secured in tight leather pants. That was a victory in itself.
Score: 39

Noah, Riker, Robert and Queen Patti were left in the red light of doom. But it was Patti who was sent home with nothing but a South Padre spring break 2015 t-shirt and some sketchy pictures on her phone she doesn’t remember taking.

Who do you want to win? Is Riker going to take it all? Or will he have to fight with a bootylicious spawn of Bruce Willis? Sound off in the comments!

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