DD is woman. Hear her ATV roar.
I know, I know…it’s late. But this work thing keeps getting in my way of posting. In less than 24 hours, I have become the author of two more company newsletters, which raises my corporate total to six. I feel a nervous breakdown coming in the near future, but let’s worry about that later, shall we?
Last week when I noticed that we were going to have to suffer through a random “DDAHnna Tells All” in the middle of the season, I decided to email my buddy and my pal Our Host Chris Harrison to get the scoop. In a nutshell, he said that ABC called needed an extra hour of prime time for Monday night and offered it to the Bachelorette. Not one to turn coin down, our producers speed dialed Our Host, DDAHnna and the intern to put together a walk down memory lane. Not sure if it was two different sessions (like most of you think from the comment section) but none the less, we all agree that it was a waste of time. But hey…the Harrison kids get to go to college and that’s what’s important, right? Right.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Spring Oreos or have a Jazzercise instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelors on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
I started watching online around 9:00. Ironically, this was much earlier than I anticipated because I had a screening pass to Love Guru last night at the Alamo Draft House. The best part of this movie was the chips and queso I ate while suffering through an average of nine “ball” jokes every 12 minutes. I’m not one to mind potty humor, but this was torture. My friend Katie and I actually walked out early.
Fortunately, our early exit from the theater had me back home, comfy in my be way before midnight.
We meet up with Our Host and the six remaining Bachelors in the out house. Chris Harrison reminds the boys that this week is very important, because the four that remain will take DDAHnna to their home towns to meet their families. He reiterates that this is a HUGE step in any relationship.
I am unconvinced that the union formed on the Bachelor/Bachelorette can indeed be labeled as a “relationship,” but I love Chris Harrison so we’ll go with the flow.
He tells the boys to pack up because DDAHnna has a special week planned for all of them in, wait for it, it’s going to be good, are you sitting down? PALM SPRINGS! Lots of whooping and hollering that I’m sure came from a sound dub machine or the intern and a couple of his buddies in the background, because normal boys would NOT be THAT excited about the Palm.
Jesse: “Wow! She sure knows how to pick her spots on where to take us.”
Hi, Jess? It’s Lincee. Yeah. Um…I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’m just going to say it quick and fast. DDAHnna doesn’t pick these spots out. There are hotels that will do ANYTHING for a little publicity and they contact ABC who sends the intern who checks out the suites and does a quick tally on how fast he can obtain candles, rose petals, pastel bath towels in the latest summer colors and famous people’s homes near by. A quick pro and con list on an Excel document and it’s faxed back to LA for the producers to make a decision. They then bring DD in to the executive conference room and give her the run-down on all the establishment’s amenities and point on a world map the exact location they will be going.
Translation? She has zero to do with your date destination. Thanks.
Rocky Mountain High…Palm Springs Version
DOJO slicks a little extra Dippity Do in his hair because mountain tops can be windy. As he forms his Elvis bouffant in the three-way mirror he requested from the ABC intern, he tells the camera that he is pumped to be on the one-on-one date with D. He is going to take their relationship to new heights (pun intended) and like a Kentucky race horse, he’s going to make his move.
They take a trolley up the mountain. DDAHnna is scared of heights and screams at every bump. DOJO is stoked that she hangs on to him for dear life and declines to pull the little black comb out of his back pocket when she accidentally messes up his hair. They head for a romantic dinner at the top of the peak and DD tells the camera that if she feels a connection with DOJO, she will invite him to her place for a little “dessert”…if you know what I mean!
The twosome dig into rare steaks (gag me) and talk about taking risks in relationships. Actually, DOJO does most of the talking as DD blinks and shakes her head in agreement.
DOJO: “You’ve got to take risks. You can’t be afraid of getting hurt. You’ve got to be in it 100% or not at all. It’s like my mullet. You take it or you leave it. Was I afraid to have my mullet cut by Soul Patch? Of course! But it was a risk to get rid of it and I took it. Am I more manly now because you can see my Chinese tattoo on the back of my neck? Absolutely! But it’s like I always say…I’d rather walk around with a loaded gun instead of no gun at all.”
I’m assuming that was a sexual innuendo, because any other way, it didn’t make sense. Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt.
DOJO rambles on about how they have the same family values and that his Mom would love her. She feels there is some sort of low grade connection and decides to invite him home for dessert. They follow the path to D’s bungalow and DOJO is blown away that she’s left a rose petal trail for him to follow.
Hi, DOJO? It’s Lincee. Yeah. Um…I don’t think D slipped away while you were taking a pretend leak, but really fixing your hair, to sprinkle rose petals in a trail to her front door. It was the ABC intern. You know. The guy who’s always in the corner using sign language to tell you that the fro is a little too puffy? Him. Yes. He went to Wal-Mart and scored a dozen roses for $10 with purchase of Sara Lee raspberry cheesecake. You’ll see what I’m talking about in a minute, but just know that it took him a good 10 minutes to rip the petals and sprinkle in a playful fashion. Give credit where credit is due man.
Cut to DOJO and D eating raspberry cheesecake by candle light. DOJO is again dominating the conversation, talking about how they have the same values and beliefs, love of Kentucky and muscle cars. He also chooses this moment to share that his Mom and Dad live down the road and he talks to them two or three times a day.
DDAHnna to camera: “If there was a rose to give out today, Sean would have one.”
I’m just going to go ahead and assume that this talking head film was shot before she knew DOJO was a Mama’s boy. I’m just saying.
D tells DOJO that she wants passion and someone who fits in with her family. Taking that one step further, DOJO tells D that she is the missing piece to his jigsaw puzzle and she fits perfectly. They watch the stars in a hammock and give each other three peck kisses. He thanks her for the perfect night and calls her Baby.
DOWN AND DIRTY
Twill, Graham, Jesse and Jason
DD greets the boys for the group date on the veranda of the hotel room. A helicopter is hovering above.
Jesse: “If that chopper lands here, I’m gonna freak out.”
Jesse: “THAT IS SO RAD!”
You have to love him.
DD tells the boys that she and Twill are going to take the first chopper and the other three will be following in another helicopter. Poor Twilley can’t even figure out how to open the door. Should go to HUET class Twill. It will change your life.
The word you are looking for is…anyway…
Twill has terrible motion sickness. Clearly, the nice thing to do is stick him on a shaky, motion prone helicopter and try to have a “throw him a bone” one-on-one conversation. He looks a little pale at times, but manages to not puke all over D’s lap. He does, however, manage to NOT figure out how to open the helicopter door and the look on DDAHnna’s face, as if to say, “Are you getting this?” was priceless.
The group meets up in the middle of a desert. Just over the dune are five ATVs and DD is excited to kick some Bachelor butt. I think she might have yelled, “EAT MY DUST TURKEY” as she passed them. Jesse thinks she’s hot when she’s sandy. Jason thinks she has no fear. And Twill wonders if they are going to later find buried treasure.
DDAHnna has a different take on the boys.
“Jason just rode normal. He didn’t take any risks. Jesse wasn’t scared at all and that was hot! Not as hot as Graham is physically, but hot in a cute little brother of your best friend sort of way. And Twill is just in his own world playing by himself.”
DDAHnna is tired of showing the boys that she’s just one of the boys, and decides it’s time to pull out the hot pink bikini. They all head back to the hotel and play in the pull. Chicken fights, cannon balls, Marco Polo, inappropriate underwater camera shots…fun times.
They decide to dry off and chill a bit, each taking a brightly colored rolled up towel as they exit the pool. The ABC intern has conveniently chosen fun summer shades in sunset rose, spring leaf and butter cream. Jason is concerned that he gets lost in the crowd, so he’s the first to man up and steal D away for some alone time.
D asks what Seattle is like and who she would meet should she choose to give him a rose. He keeps it simple and tells her that she will meet his parents and Ty. DDAHnna tells the camera that Jason is sweet, caring and attractive…all qualities she would want in a husband.
Jesse jock blocks Jason and steals D away for some special alone time. At an ice cream table in front of the other boys. DD admits that she was least attracted to Jesse, but he redeemed himself today on the four wheelers. He was sick (that’s a compliment Mom) and she really hopes that he kisses her finally.
Jess holds her hand under the table and talks about his feelings. DD gives him bedroom eyes. Jess wipes the sweat from his palms and then takes her hands again under the table. DD starts to play footsie while licking her lips in anticipation. Jess asks her how she is able to pull off such cool dates? DD whispers a naughty answer in his ear. Jess wonders if she is serious, but then Graham comes over to take this game from JV to Varsity. Well played my friend.
Graham leads DD to the hammock, which of course, was schleppted over from the mountain top by the intern. Looks like he has a new prop in his repertoire! Graham is concerned for DD and wants to make sure she is okay with her pending road trip across the country. He talks a little about her family and then tells her to quit squirming, because he knows that means…she’s feeling the need to join the others.
She looks at him with the same bedroom eyes she gave Jess and tells Graham, “You have a few minutes. Make it good.”
And, of course, Graham did.
They return to the group and DD tells Twill that she is glad he made it through the day without puking. So nice and considerate.
Walk Down Memory Lane with Old Blue Eyes
DD picks Jeremy up in a vintage convertible for dinner and tells the camera that she hopes he will let loose. They head to Frank Sinatra’s house for dinner. But before dinner, we are treated to the vocal stylings of this dynamic duo.
Help me. Lord help me. That was the continuous loop that played through my head during this ten minute segment. Why was this not edited out? Seriously? A tone deaf version of Jeremy and DD singing “Someday” has ruined this song forever. Did you hear that? That noise? Yeah…me too…it’s Frank rolling over in his grave. What’s worse, is that I was not watching this moment on my couch like I usually do and there were no cushions to hide behind. I was in my bed and attempted to dive under the covers while grabbing a pillow to stuff in my ears. But I got tangled in the power cord of my laptop and wackiness quickly ensued.
By the time I became situated again, the date had moved to dancing by the pool…no music. Thank you Lord that he didn’t hum, because he can’t carry a tune in a bucket.
Unless this is how the moment unfolded. If so, I would have proposed right then and there in Frank’s house and told the other boys to hit the road because I had found THE ONE:
Later on at dinner, Jeremy tells D that there is nothing he doesn’t like about her. He says that she’s not perfect…but she’s perfect for him. Good line J. So good that they decide to get into Frank and Ava’s old bath robes and go for a dip in the pool. They make out and I stare at Jeremy’s chest. Good times were had by all.
The boys enter DDAHnna’s room and Jesse wonders where’s she’s at. My Mom would answer, “between the A and the T” but that’s neither here nor there. It’s intense. DDAHnna must be having a melt down somewhere. A-ha! She’s in the Pier One bureau room with red velvet lining all the remaining boys’ photos. She twists a piece of her spiral curled hair as she looks over Jason’s photo. But the ABC trickeration did not work on us. We knew she would keep the single Dad another week.
Our Host Chris Harrison enters the room and tells the fellas that DD has made her decision and there will be NO cocktail party tonight.
Our Host tells the boys to prepare for the rose ceremony. Graham goes to find another whiskey sour. DOJO looks for a mirror, and when he can’t find one, pulls his compact out of his pocket. Jason bites his fingernails. Jeremy does a few hundred push ups. Jesse and Twill have a thumb war until it’s time to go.
DD tells the boys that Palm Springs was fun, but she pretty much had her decision made the minute Twill turned green in the chopper and her hands ran through DOJO’s crunchy hair. She does NOT want to lead them on…like she was…and decides to give roses to Jeremy, Jason, Graham and Jesse.
DOJO calls her Baby and says this hurts more than expected. He then calls his Mom using the ABC psychotherapist’s cell phone.
Twill knows he’s not the best looking guy and admits his unique personality can be intimidating.
The remaining four and D toast to home town dates and yell “CHEERS” instead of “OPAH.” A refreshing change in my opinion.
Next week, D breaks down (what?) and Jason hugs his kid in the middle of a meadow. Kid tells the camera that D is nice, Jeremy has an obnoxious brother and Jesse breaks D’s neck snow boarding. Can. Not. Wait.
In the meantime, feast your eyes on Hotter than Crap Brad. Check him out with fellow website reader Erin. Thanks for the pic!
All about the shame, not the fame,