Duck calls, coyotes, Speedos…oh my
Wow. I didn’t even get a chance to catch my breath and have a week off for good behavior before the powers that be at ABC thrust us into Bachelorette bliss with DDAHnna and her 25 boy toys. They waste no time in reminding us how she was jilted at the Home Depot pedestal in the most shocking final rose ceremony in Bachelor history. To pour salt in this open, oozing wound, they take us back down memory lane to the “After the Final Rose” and we get to re-live the moment when DDAHnna sort of gave Hotter than Crap Brad a second chance to redeem himself. Instead…he let her walk out of his life. Again.
A well lit b-roll package rolls of DDAHnna walking in the woods with a subtle scripted voiceover read word-for-word as instructed by the ABC producer, who I am convinced is a woman:
“Getting over Brad was difficult for me. It was the worst day of my life. But I got this cool apple green v-neck t shirt to make me feel better. The sad thing is, he didn’t just break my heart. He broke the hearts of my family, friends, neighbors, the woman who does my hair, my teeth whitening technician at the dentist, my long lost relatives in Greece (OPAH), random acquaintances, total strangers and most importantly…America.”
Yes, it’s true. I’ve been struggling with Brad’s decision for months, as the rest of you and all of America. It’s so good she is getting a second chance at her fairy tale.
She continues as she product placement shops at ABS Allen Schwartz’s boutique:
“Some think 26 is too young to settle down. But I’ve been trough so much. It’s not easy to love again after getting heart broken. I learned a lot from dating Brad. I won’t make mistakes. I believe in myself. I believe in this show.”
I believe I might throw up.
Our Host Chris Harrison (so cute) says that ABC received thousands of phone calls and emails from men across the world asking for the opportunity to give DDAHnna the fairy tale she deserves.
Really? I’m willing to bet a Benjamin that Luke the oyster fisherman does not own a TV, but whatever. I’ll roll with it. That’s what you do when you invest in a show as good as this. I’m just saying.
Let’s face it. The Bachelorette is always on the boring side, because guys aren’t caddy like women are. But they are competitive, which made last night so incredibly AWESOME in my book. Let’s hear it for THESE boys!
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Spring Oreos or have a barber who looks exactly like one of the Bachelors on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
DDAHnna steps out of her limo, adjusts the ridiculously long length of her Dream Girls gold gown and secretly counts, “One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi” just like the producers told her before making her way to Our Host Chris Harrison. It is now that I notice, for the first time, her butt. She’s definitely working the junk in the trunk people.
Our Host asks how she feels and what she is expecting out of this adventure. DDAHnna answers:
“I am the luckiest woman in the world. I believe in this show. This can happen. I fell in love with Brad. THIS PROCESS WORKS. THIS IS REAL. I just want to be happy.”
Interesting. A little force feed of how this show is not a total scam and you CAN find true love on the Bachelor. Or at least the Bachelorette. I half expected Trish and Ryan to walk out with baby Max waving a GO DDAHNNA flag and then pocketing the $100 bucks the producers gave them to extend their ridiculously long 15 minutes of fame.
Our host tells DDAH that she has her hands full with a variety of men from which to choose.
MEET THE BACHELORS
Computer Network Consultant
Why you remember him: Indiana Brian is the first to twirl DDAHnna in a circle when meeting her out by the limo. He announces that the show is over and loudly proclaims “I DO” to no one in particular. Later, Brian feels the need to stand out during Chandler’s mating call duck ritual and busts out some pretty impressive abs of steel. He forces DDAH to touch them. Yes…we see your chiseled abdomen and most of us want run our fingers down the ripple (TMI?), but clearly this is all you feel you have to offer and therefore must be sent packing.
Status: No rose
High School Football Coach
Why you remember him: He’s the dude that lamely proclaimed when he first met DDAHnna: “It wasn’t until this moment that I knew why I was doing this show…but clear now.” That’s encouraging.
Why you remember him: Obviously, you called him Chandler Bing or Chanandeler Bong (whichever you prefer) all night long. When we first met Chandler, he did that weird distracted look to the side and never made eye contact with DDAHnna. I’m assuming that the ABC intern was jumping up and down frantically, cursing his walkie talkie, because Chandler exited the limo too soon. The ABC intern failed to check his batteries and there was no time to stall and hem DDAHnna’s long dress as planned. He asks the heavens why these men insist on twirling her around and shakes a fist towards the stars. Meanwhile, Chandler is having a fake conversation with DDAHnna pushing the fact that he’s a hometown guy. Could he DIG her accent any more? Later, he busts out the duck call and quacks over and over and over again until she acknowledges his existence. He reminds her again that he is from VA Beach and is a hometown guy. There was tension between Brian and Chandler and lots of conversation, but I was mesmerized by the eight pack Brian was sporting in his mid-region. And feeling VERY uncomfortable, yet unable to peel my eyes away from the abs. Note to male readers…let’s keep all animal calls and kazoos at the house when on dates, okay?
Status: No rose
Why you remember him: Well, in my notes, I have OH LORD HIS BODY written down in bold. I don’t know what that’s about. I then have it scratched out because he admits that he has cheated in the past.
Why you remember him: Don is also a spinner and insists on tangling DDAH in the train of her dress. He claims that none of the other Bachelors have “sh!t” on him and that he is at the top of his game. Later he invites Jenni, who was there to do some reconnaissance for DDAHnna, to sit on lap. She responds with a perky, “NEXT PLEASE!”
Status: No rose
Why you remember him: Eric went all “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” on DDAHnna. He spoke Greek to her. (Side note: I don’t think DDAHnna knows the language.) He talked about wanting to marry Greek and they both laughed at how their mothers were planning their weddings right now. DDAHnna is in love. But he was a bit uptight as I thought he might be.
Why you remember him: Fred is from ChiCAHgo and loves da bears. He told DDAHnna that if she wanted to be rescued from a conversation, just to give her a wink and he would be there. Interesting. A NON DORKY thing to say. You go Chicago Fred!
Professional Basketball Player
Why you remember him: Graham is that mysterious hot guy that no one knows about and then you find out he’s smart, successful and charming. He tells DDAH that he invests in bars. Dude. Might want to keep that one to yourself and lead off with the scholarship fund thing you are doing, but whatever. He says that it’s nice to be able to speak to someone and be proud of what you do. DDAHnna reminds him that she has worked in bars her whole life. He then tells her he was not intimidated before, but he is now. She asks about his rubber bands around his wrist. He says it is a reminder of his goals and dreams and never lose sight. And all the girls across America said, “AAWWWWWWW.” We heart Graham.
Why you remember him: Let me begin with the obvious…Greg was our closing ceremonies resident Wolf Man. After getting jilted, he tells the camera he would have treated her like a queen. He’s not going to compromise himself. It’s good to be a rebellious bastard. He will rise from the ashes. He claims to hate his shirt and starts to rip it to shreds, a la Hulk Hogan style. He says something about tribal yells, shows off his back tattoos and proceeds to howl at the moon “calling the coyotes” which I’m pretty sure was either a dog or the ABC intern messing with him. Either way, hilarity was felt by all.
Status: Sadly, no rose. This would have been fun.
Why you remember him: Jason is the single dad that got the most pre-show air time. Lost of scripted moments of him encouraging kid to draw pictures for DDAHnna and making mac and cheese. They have one shot of him putting the kid to sleep and I almost can HEAR the female producer saying, “No no! Don’t leave. Get in bed with him and snuggle.” He speaks Greek to DDAHnna too. Again, it’s Greek to her. While inside they talk about all their travels and how family is important. He does not mention his son to DDAHnna. He doesn’t think it’s covering up…it’s about them now.
Why you remember him: He was the African-American that got zero air time.
Status: No rose
Real Estate Attorney
Why you remember him: Jeremy was the guy talking to his dog in the “meet the Bachelors” section. He said something in another language and told her he would tell her what it meant inside.
Status: FIRST, first impression rose
Why you remember him: You remember his greasy hair, colorful shoes and random jacket. He calls himself Colorado and is dang funny! While confessing to DDAHnna that he has read nothing about her on the Internet, DOJO comes walking in and asks for his help with something. DOJO puts a lemon on a cup on top of Colorado’s head and Daniel San karate kicks it across the room. Jesse said that if he had missed and made contact with his neck or head instead, he would kick him in the nuts when he woke up. I laughed at the crude humor. Here’s hoping there’s some passing of gas or even the lighting of farts in future episodes.
Status: SECOND, first impression rose
Why you remember him: To quote Meeps, Jon was the d-bag that did his spiky hair the entire opening montage. Said it could take up to ten minutes. Seriously?
Status: No rose
Why you remember him: Oh Luke. Bless his heart. He’s the oyster farmer that tells DDAHnna she is beautiful when she asks him to tell her something funny. Sweet little guy gives her a pearl he found and makes it into a necklace. He’s a slow talker and slow mover and sort of reminds me of Livingston Dell on Ocean’s 11, 12 and 13. I just want to pat him on the head and tell him it will be okay.
Status: No rose.
Why you remember him: Patrick C was the curly haired dude that you thought would be more interesting than he was. He did a little dance for Jenni and that’s the extent of excitement from this bore.
Status: No rose
Why you remember him: Patrick had a clever line for DDAHnna before leaving her in the driveway. “Drinks are on me when you get inside.” But there was something else that you couldn’t put your finger on. Thanks to Local Mom #46 on the previous entry’s comment page for this realization.
Mr. Incredible anyone?
Status: No rose
Why you remember him: He calls himself Canada Paul, yah. He’s the yahoo who threatened to jump in the pool when sharing alone time with DDAHnna. Let’s recap, shall we:
Paul: “I will do anything to show you I deserve a rose.”
DDAH: “If you get in that pool, you’ll catch pneumonia.”
Paul: “I’ll do it. I’m from Canada. I’m used to being cold.”
DDAH: “Don’t you dare.”
Paul races down the side and begins to jump.
DDAH: “You shouldn’t do that!”
Random Bachelor in the background: “I KNOW CPR!”
Lincee: Classic line. Simply classic. I bet it was Jesse.
Dude gets out of the water and says there are no worries. He has swim trunks on. Takes off his shirt and pants to reveal a black Speedo (FYI…these are not “trunks”) that have DEANNA written across the cheeks. All I can think of is SHRINKAGE!
Why you remember him: Richard says he is the handsomest geek you will ever meet. He tells DDAHnna that it was a personal victory that he did not trip on the way to her fro the limo. He rambles on about sharing camp fire stories (I did not get that reference) and then tells her again that he is a big fat nerd. Inside, he gives her a fake diamond and says that she may trade it in later for a real one. Then tells the camera that is what dweebs do to get the ladies.
No. No they don’t. They borrow the popular girl’s panties for 15 minutes during the school dance and make their door knob friends pay a buck to see them. That’s what REAL DWEEBS DO.
Status: THIRD, first impression rose
Why you remember him: Chef Robert tells a fellow Bachelor that he is going to break the ice by whipping up something for DDAHnna. Other Bachelor says, “What…are you gonna cook her something?” and laughs at his joke. Chef Rob stands up, grabs his apron from his cooking supplies that the ABC intern has just schlepped from the limo and says, “Why yes. Yes I am.” All of the boys go to the kitchen and watch him make a crab martini concoction. He presents it to DDAHnna who pleasantly tastes the dish. She’s impressed. I would have thrown up, but that’s just me. Chef tells the camera that he is working on his degree in Master of Seduction. What a tool.
Soul Patch Barber Shop
Why you remember him: Soul Patch Ron was the only Bachelor to not wear a jacket. He is smooth, not affected by this game and straight up tells DDAHnna that he has been divorced for two years. DDAHnna likes his honesty. She later tells Our Host Chris Harrison that he seems emotionally mature and will bring stuff to the relationship.
Professional Football Player/Virgin
Why you remember him: After saying her name wrong, the first thing he tells the camera is that is faith is important to him (good) and that he is a virgin (why say that?). We also learn that he is a snuggler. Or hogger of blankets. And un-gentlemanly for not offering a shivering DDAHnna his coat or her fair share of 50 percent of the blanket.
Sean AKA: DOJO
Why you remember him: DOJO is the one that kicked a lemon off of Colorado’s head. He was determined to get a rose and it became a little irritating. DDAHnna admitted that it was weird, but definitely caught her attention.
Why you remember him: You thought he was gay.
Status: No rose
Why you remember him: His squinty eyes mixed with DDAHnna’s blinking made for an interesting conversation and a headache that followed afterwards.
DDAHnna goes to the secret picture room and looks at all of her men (not boys) as they stare back at her from the Pier One bureau. She’s made her decision and is really glad she is in this show. Because it works. FAIRY TALES DO HAPPEN I TELL YOU.
Roses go to:
First, First Impression Jeremy
Soul Patch Ron
Eric the Greek
Chris the Cheater
Paul Eh from Canada (notice he was wearing Chris Harrison’s suit)
Single Dad Jason
And in our first dramatic moment this season…
DDAHnna calls Brian’s name. They both look at each other.
“Brian from Texas.” DOH!
The rejected boys leave and Chandler cries.
DDAHnna toasts the men with a big “OPAH” and we are treated to some great scenes from next week. Here’s what we learn:
1. Graham is awesome.
2. DDAHnna is going to cry a lot and get very emotional.
3. There are lots of bare chests thank you Lord.
4. There are opportunities to stay with DDAH in her mansion. Otherwise, the boys have to stay in the shack down the way. And in true “roughing it” format, there is an outdoor shower with no curtain, revealing a strategically placed black box over someone’s butt. (Remember the female producer I was telling you about???)
There were a ton of zingers last night that I thought were worthy of their section:
5. Don: “There are two minutes left in the fourth quarter. It’s time to call in the big guns.”
4. Wolf Man Greg: “How do you compete with jewelry and food? That one dude gave her a pearl necklace and this other one gave her crabs.”
3. Twilley: “C’mon man. Let’s fight. I’ll be the Sharks and you be the Jets.”
2. As the men were toasting Brad for making the decision to send DDAHnna home, Jesse says, “He should be punched in the throat like nine times by home slice who kicked a lemon off my head.”
1. Our Host Chris Harrison: “So…getting out of a pool with your name on his butt. Good or bad?”
And there you have it ladies and gentleman. We are off to a great start in my opinion. What did you guys think?
And here’s a question for you male readers out there. (I’m talking to you Some Guy.) What would YOU do to get the attention of a woman in that situation? Name on the Speedo? Jump in a cold pool? Crabs? I’m really interested to know…
Until next week, I’m all about the shame, not the fame,