El Bachelor Latino Recap-o: Episode Juan
It’s been a long, cold winter and I am so happy that JUAN-uary has finally arrived to warm us up. Here’s what we learned from the ubiquitous new Bachelor season b-roll footage: Juan Pablo is still hot and wears purple socks and suits that are too tight. Our Host Chris Harrison is impeccable and is making charcoal grey — fetch. Lincee is trying to make “fetch” happen. ABC makes us wait 17 minutes for our token shower scene. That’s the opposite of fetch. Sean Lowe rocks a bit of a pasty complexion, but still is as zany as ever. And Juan Pablo is SO POPULAR that ABC had to add two extra contestants to the mix because 25 just wouldn’t do.
Welcome to season 18!
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Instagram happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nail stylist or bowing instructor of someone who is obsessed with the fictional life Tris and Four like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Juan Pablo is ready to find true love. Camilla is in her snuggly pajamas, safely tucked into her bed. It’s time to see who is going to find true love and who is living la vida loca.
I’m looking at you Bangs.
Let’s meet the ladies!
Occupation: Communications Director
Hometown: Tampa, FL
Why you remember her: You don’t.
Status: No Rose
Hometown: Orland Park, IL
Why you remember her: Alli wisely exited the limo wearing a charming pair of cleats with her gold and white ball gown. She kicked a soccer ball to Juan Pablo and he LOVED it. Ole, ole, ole, ole!
Occupation: Massage Therapist
Hometown: Apopka, FL
Why you remember her: Amy J, or Bangs as I like to call her, is a massage therapist who manages to reach completion with every rub. You know you thought it. I just wrote it. Juan Pablo shares his enthusiasm when Bangs suggests they head out to the freshly sprayed driveway for a relaxing session on her fold out travel table. Because why not? She pours some essential oils on her hands and wafts them into Juan Pablo’s face. His gag reflexes quickly kick in and a troubled Juan Pablo lifts his head from the face hole and pleads with his eyes as if to say, “Quick! Trade lives with me!” Instead, the camera meticulously pans the table as Bangs removes Juan Pablo’s jacket, shoes and dignity. We didn’t see, but she and the boom mic guy smoked a cigarette after.
Status: No Rose
Occupation: Local News Reporter
Hometown: Clermont, FL
Why you remember her: Amy L had on a tight red dress (the official cocktail dress color of this season) and babbled on about how the sun could not set fast enough so she could finally meet Juan Pablo. She’s extremely pumped that she won’t be confused with that other Amy who insists on rubbing her oils on anything that stands still.
Occupation: Assistant District Attorney
Hometown: Atlanta, GA
Why you remember her: At first you thought Andi was going to be a bit of a drama queen because her scripted “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH” moment in muni court fake prosecuting a dude who probably peed on the side of a government building downtown was a tad bit much. But when you saw her in a dress that looked like she was ready for open heart surgery, you knew she was a contender. Juan Pablo asked her name. She told him and then without a beat asked his name. Classic. He thought she was darling. She will go as far as her neckline is plunged.
Occupation: Grade School Teacher
Hometown: Roanoke, TX
Why you remember her: Ashley arrived in a 1970s Solid Gold dancer dress, complete with matching gold star that she fastened to Juan Pablo’s too tight jacket. Unfortunately, she was not head of the class.
Status: No Rose
Occupation: Former NBA Dancer
Hometown: Shelby Township, MI
Why you remember her: Cassandra wore a flesh colored dress and a lovely bun. She looked like Ashley Greene at Halloween dressed as Krystal Carrington. She introduced herself to Juan Pablo, told him she was a dancer and then sat in uncomfortable silence for a generous 10 seconds. Props to the sound department for adding cricket noises to the package.
Status: Somehow she got a rose. I imagine it’s because she’s very bendy.
Occupation: Account Manager
Hometown: Miami, FL
Why you remember her: Chantel wore an electric blue booty dress with high silver heels. In her very American accent, she instructed Juan Pablo, the Venezuelan, how to say her name with a Spanish accent. Then she spoke his name in her best Spanish accent. Fortunately the producers warned him not to attempt to speak literal Spanish back to her because a Spanish accent does not a Spanish speaker make.
Occupation: Science Educator
Hometown: Lexington, OH
Why you remember her: Chelsie arrived in her tight tin foil dress and insisted that she and Juan Pablo conduct an experiment together. She puts on goggles (safety first) and handed him two test tubes. He sniffs the ingredients of one. Chemistry fail Juan Pablo. After a few moments of unfortunate wackiness, Chelsie tosses the science 101 experiment elements into the rose bushes by the fountain and insists that instead of doing chemistry they should just HAVE chemistry. Heaven help us all. She also LOVED the fact that Juan Pablo had a photo booth in the sunken living room and took great care in documenting their first date. She’ll just cut out that other random chick behind them. Details.
Occupation: Police Support Specialist
Hometown: Miami, FL
Why you remember her: You probably don’t remember Christine, per say, but you definitely remember her right thigh, calf, ankle and perfectly pedicured toes in six-inch heels peeking out from the emerald green dress slit up to there. You probably also remember the cute bracelet that Camilla wears from that rando chick her dad met once upon a time on that show he was on.
Status: No Rose
Occupation: Marketing Manager
Hometown: Aurora, IL
Why you remember her: You’re familiar with Christy’s boobs. And her cute white headband. I’m unsure if she ever spoke. You definitely confused her with the other bottled blond.
Hometown: Sacramento, CA
Why you remember her: In the worst decision in Bachelor franchise history, Clare decides that displaying a fake baby bump in hot pink dress is the best way to show Juan Pablo that she is whimsical and fun. We also collectively clutched our pearls, hoping that the fake hormones rushing through Clare’s body wouldn’t make her have a huge lapse in judgment and immediately hand over the DVD her deceased father made for her future husband. Refrain dear Clare. DON’T CAVE TO THE PRESSURE.
Occupation: Psychiatric Nurse
Hometown: Litchfield, IL
Why you remember her: Danielle wore a pretty ridiculous looking ombre dress. The only way to describe it is if you imagined a dingy toga with a six inch hem of mud on the bottom. Still, I have high hopes that she slipped a heavy dose of Lexapro into the going away swag bag of anyone leaving the ceremony without a rose. She could truly be loads of fun if they allowed her to wield a prescription pad with reckless abandon. At the very least, the girl deserves permanent dibs on a dark leather chair adjacent to a velvet couch.
Occupation: First Grade Teacher
Hometown: Forty Fort, PA
Why you remember her: Elise had a tiny disco ball dress with major junk in the trunk. I loved it! There was one awkward moment when Juan Pablo asked about her family and she answered that her Dad was in Pennsylvania. He then asked about her Mom and Elise looked like she would rather talk about anything else than the fact that she had just lost a parent. She affectionately told Juan Pablo that her Mom wanted her to find a Prince one day. He had a fabulous response: “You’re in the right place because I’m looking.” Well done Juan Pablo.
Occupation: Medical Sales Rep
Hometown: Iowa City, IA
Why you remember her: Kat was another blond in a tight red dress. She casually mentions that she’s a dancer, yet doesn’t know how to salsa. I call BS on that line. But being the gentleman who Juan Pablo is, it’s in his DNA to just grab a woman and begin moving his hips in seductive rotations. If we learned anything from “Strictly Ballroom” it’s that all Latin people need only to listen to el ritmo in their hearts. Who needs music? PS: Juan Pablo thought she smelled good.
Occupation: Dog Lover
Hometown: Conyers, GA
Why you remember her: Naturally Kelly the dog lover would be allowed to bring her pooch Molly on location. Juan Pablo plays along and sweetly whistles for Molly to come visit him. She doesn’t. Kelly tottles up in her spiky heels and red dress, apologizing for Molly’s rude behavior. A.) Give me a break. B.) Ten bucks says one of our outtakes at the end of the show is that dog humping the teddy bear Danielle gave to Camilla. Any takers?
Occupation: Interior Designer
Hometown: Rockford, IL
Why you remember her: Kylie is the red head who wore a pink dress. Everyone watching looked to the person they forced to watch with them instead of the BSC Championship game and asked out loud, “But I thought red heads hated wearing pink?” Before you knew it, Kylie was whisking by our Bachelor with not so much as a how do you do? But the obvious reason you remember her is that Kylie, the red head in pink with a two-syllable name, gets that confused with Kat – a one syllable name. Sure Kat was standing behind Kylie when Juan Pablo called the former, but there was no preparing me for the utter embarrassment I felt as the red head in pink gleefully strolled mid-way to the rose pedestal before registering a room full of SHUT UP! She apologized and then I assume she returned to her loser position in the line-up. I’m unsure because I was crammed so far into the cushions of my chair I could barely breathe. She has the rare opportunity to show some maturity in her exit interview and laugh off the horrific moment with a casual wave of her ringless hand. Instead, she confesses to being heart broken and has no clue how she’s ever going to make it. Since she’s 12-years-old, I can empathize how first heart breaks are tough. My advice is to find a pint of ice cream and change back to your natural hair color.
Status: No Rose
Occupation: Nursing Home Owner
Hometown: Antelope Acres, CA
Why you remember her: Lacy is the one who has several disabled siblings and works at a nursing home. In her best baby voice, she encourages the viewing audience that you are never fully dressed without a smile. She arrived wearing a regal purple gown with ginormous rhinestone embellishments. I found this odd, because who cares what you’re wearing from Main Street to Saville Row? Clearly it’s what you wear from ear to ear and not from head to toe that matters. Lacy tells Juan Pablo that dating 25 girls can give anyone a headache. She hands Juan Pablo huge bottle of prescription medicine she swiped from poor Mr. Jones in room 4-D. He pops a pill and grins at her expectantly. Lacy insists on revealing that it’s not a REAL pill. It’s a hot tamale! He doesn’t seem impressed. His Madre makes the best tamales this side of the equator. Lacy further nails her own coffin by later presenting a jigsaw puzzle she made from a picture janked off of Juan Pablo’s Instagram account of him and his daughter. She had cleverly removed one of the corners and proclaimed that she was the missing piece in his life! Authorities were called in shortly thereafter and the restraining order papers were drawn up as a precaution.
Status: No Rose
Occupation: Mineral Coordinator
Hometown: Edmond, OK
Why you remember her: Poor Lauren H. She was left at the alter and it took 24 other women, a hot Latin soccer player, a magnetic host and a brief stint on national television to realize that she might not be over the rejection. She had cried seven times before she even met Juan Pablo. He did the right thing by cutting her loose the first night. I hope she got Danielle’s card. Oh right. It’s in the swag bag with a bottle of Firestone wine, a replica of a Stella & Dot necklace Emily Maynard wore to a benefit and season two of Drop Dead Diva featuring the acting skills of the one and only Jake Pavelka. My bad.
Status: No Rose
Occupation: Music Composer
Hometown: Detroit, MI
Why you remember her: From the minute Lauren S began pedaling her mobile piano/bicycle contraption toward Juan Pablo, I had high hopes for this girl. Then she stood up and I saw her black mullet dress. Hopes dashed. But when she forgot to give Juan Pablo her name and he ran back in the mansion to ask, I knew she would be getting a chance to compose the perfect love song.
Occupation: Free Spirit
Hometown: Santa Barbara, CA
Why you remember her: According to the Free Spirit, hippies don’t wear shoes. They do wear a crown of roses in their hair and little to no makeup. Chances are Juan Pablo didn’t comment on how good she smelled. She flung her funky feet into his lap and laughed and giggled in all the right places. She skipped to the rose pedestal when her name was called and executed the perfect childlike pirouette back to her place in line. She’s going to be the villain this season. Had Bangs and Oklahoma not been massaging and melting down all over the place, I’m quite confident Free Spirit would have been awarded more air time.
Occupation: Personal banker
Hometown: Wagener, SC
Why you remember her: Maggie wore the 58th red dress of the night with a giant key hole in the front to properly display the ladies. It was Mags first time on an airplane ever! She gave Juan Pablo a fish hook and told him that “he was the big catch she’d been waitin’ for” in a deep South Carolina drawl. He let her go because he couldn’t understand her accent.
Status: No Rose
Occupation: Pediatric nurse
Hometown: Kearney, MO
Why you remember her: Nurse Nikki looks downright wholesome in her “meet the bachelorettes” pre-package interview. She transitions from fixing babies left and right in her cute scrubs to bow-chicka-bow-wow in a sultry black dress with bedazzlements. She wisely remembers to bring her stethoscope and invites Juan Pablo to take a listen to her heart so she can prove just how nervous she is to meet him. He croons that there is no reason to be nervous and then high fives Harrison for getting to second base in the first hour of the show. Bob Guiney’s record has been officially broken.
Occupation: Real estate agent
Hometown: Martha’s Vineyard, MA
Why you remember her: Renee is the single mom. You love her. And so does Juan Pablo.
Occupation: Opera singer
Hometown: Ottawa, Canada
Why you remember her: When we learn that Sharleen is an opera singer, a collective chorus of “PLEASE DON’T BUST OUT YOUR FAVORITE ARIA RIGHT NOW” was issue forth with certain force from my living room. The upstairs neighbors stamped their feet in agreement. Fortunately, her introduction is simple and polite. During her one-on-one time, Juan Pablo learns that she tries not to eat meat, which I think is a darling way to say you’re a vegetarian, but so often in Germany, where she resides, there’s a great big _______ in her pea soup. Just as Juan Pablo is offering “sausage link,” Sharleen drops the word “wiener” and our Bachelor is giggling like a pre-pubescent boy. Juan Pablo tells the camera that she has mundo (the world) and gushes over the fact that she is one lucky lady to be receiving the first impression rose. Unfortunately, Sharleen was sharing at that exact same time that she felt no chemistry for el bachelor. He asks Sharleen if she will accept the rose and she thinks about it. For 30 seconds. Before answering, “Um, sure.” Juan Pablo seems unfazed by this interaction, or the fact that she keeps calling him “sir” like he’s Paul McCartney or Mix-A-Lot. She admits that she’s flattered and he explains that he gave her the rose because she’s elegant and unique. Points for Juan Pablo on this choice. The verdict is still out on Shar. I don’t expect her to feel true love right now, of course, but she seems like she’s not quite sure what she flew halfway across the world for.
Status: First Impression Rose
Occupation: Personal trainer
Hometown: Sutter, CA
Why you remember her: Valerie is Katniss Everdeen if Katniss got to pick out her own dress for the ball instead of wearing what her Capitol stylists picked out for her. She even had a bow and arrow. Sadly, the odds were not in her favor.
Status: No Rose
Occupation: Legal Assistant
Hometown: Porto Alegre, Brazil
Why you remember her: I honestly have no idea who this is.
Well the you have it! The season of JUAN-uary has officially begun. Who are you rooting for? Will Lucy be a “winning” villain like Courtney? Will that dog go everywhere the Lover goes? Will someone give First Impression Aria a rundown on what this show is all about?
Sound off in the comments section!
All about the shame, not the fame,
PS: Thanks for your patience with today’s late posting. We lost a dear man recently, but I know he’s still poking fun at me in heaven for recapping this show. We love you Mr. Duck!