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El Bachelor Latino Recap-o: Episode Juan

Tuesday, January 7, 2014 @ 05:01 PM
Author: Lincee

It’s been a long, cold winter and I am so happy that JUAN-uary has finally arrived to warm us up. Here’s what we learned from the ubiquitous new Bachelor season b-roll footage: Juan Pablo is still hot and wears purple socks and suits that are too tight. Our Host Chris Harrison is impeccable and is making charcoal grey — fetch. Lincee is trying to make “fetch” happen. ABC makes us wait 17 minutes for our token shower scene. That’s the opposite of fetch. Sean Lowe rocks a bit of a pasty complexion, but still is as zany as ever. And Juan Pablo is SO POPULAR that ABC had to add two extra contestants to the mix because 25 just wouldn’t do.

Welcome to season 18!


The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Instagram happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nail stylist or bowing instructor of someone who is obsessed with the fictional life Tris and Four like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Juan Pablo is ready to find true love. Camilla is in her snuggly pajamas, safely tucked into her bed. It’s time to see who is going to find true love and who is living la vida loca.

I’m looking at you Bangs.

Let’s meet the ladies!

Age: 24
Occupation: Communications Director
Hometown: Tampa, FL
Why you remember her: You don’t.
Status: No Rose

: 26
Occupation: Nanny
Hometown: Orland Park, IL
Why you remember her: Alli wisely exited the limo wearing a charming pair of cleats with her gold and white ball gown. She kicked a soccer ball to Juan Pablo and he LOVED it. Ole, ole, ole, ole!
Status: Rose

Amy J
: 31
Occupation: Massage Therapist
Hometown: Apopka, FL
Why you remember her: Amy J, or Bangs as I like to call her, is a massage therapist who manages to reach completion with every rub. You know you thought it. I just wrote it. Juan Pablo shares his enthusiasm when Bangs suggests they head out to the freshly sprayed driveway for a relaxing session on her fold out travel table. Because why not? She pours some essential oils on her hands and wafts them into Juan Pablo’s face. His gag reflexes quickly kick in and a troubled Juan Pablo lifts his head from the face hole and pleads with his eyes as if to say, “Quick! Trade lives with me!” Instead, the camera meticulously pans the table as Bangs removes Juan Pablo’s jacket, shoes and dignity. We didn’t see, but she and the boom mic guy smoked a cigarette after.
Status: No Rose

Amy L
: 27
Occupation: Local News Reporter
Hometown: Clermont, FL
Why you remember her: Amy L had on a tight red dress (the official cocktail dress color of this season) and babbled on about how the sun could not set fast enough so she could finally meet Juan Pablo. She’s extremely pumped that she won’t be confused with that other Amy who insists on rubbing her oils on anything that stands still.
Status: Rose

: 26
Occupation: Assistant District Attorney
Hometown: Atlanta, GA
Why you remember her: At first you thought Andi was going to be a bit of a drama queen because her scripted “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH” moment in muni court fake prosecuting a dude who probably peed on the side of a government building downtown was a tad bit much. But when you saw her in a dress that looked like she was ready for open heart surgery, you knew she was a contender. Juan Pablo asked her name. She told him and then without a beat asked his name. Classic. He thought she was darling. She will go as far as her neckline is plunged.
Status: Rose

: 25
Occupation: Grade School Teacher
Hometown: Roanoke, TX
Why you remember her: Ashley arrived in a 1970s Solid Gold dancer dress, complete with matching gold star that she fastened to Juan Pablo’s too tight jacket. Unfortunately, she was not head of the class.
Status: No Rose

: 21
Occupation: Former NBA Dancer
Hometown: Shelby Township, MI
Why you remember her: Cassandra wore a flesh colored dress and a lovely bun. She looked like Ashley Greene at Halloween dressed as Krystal Carrington. She introduced herself to Juan Pablo, told him she was a dancer and then sat in uncomfortable silence for a generous 10 seconds. Props to the sound department for adding cricket noises to the package.
Status: Somehow she got a rose. I imagine it’s because she’s very bendy.

: 27
Occupation: Account Manager
Hometown: Miami, FL
Why you remember her: Chantel wore an electric blue booty dress with high silver heels. In her very American accent, she instructed Juan Pablo, the Venezuelan, how to say her name with a Spanish accent. Then she spoke his name in her best Spanish accent. Fortunately the producers warned him not to attempt to speak literal Spanish back to her because a Spanish accent does not a Spanish speaker make.
Status: Rosa

: 24
Occupation: Science Educator
Hometown: Lexington, OH
Why you remember her: Chelsie arrived in her tight tin foil dress and insisted that she and Juan Pablo conduct an experiment together. She puts on goggles (safety first) and handed him two test tubes. He sniffs the ingredients of one. Chemistry fail Juan Pablo. After a few moments of unfortunate wackiness, Chelsie tosses the science 101 experiment elements into the rose bushes by the fountain and insists that instead of doing chemistry they should just HAVE chemistry. Heaven help us all. She also LOVED the fact that Juan Pablo had a photo booth in the sunken living room and took great care in documenting their first date. She’ll just cut out that other random chick behind them. Details.
Status: Rose

: 23
Occupation: Police Support Specialist
Hometown: Miami, FL
Why you remember her: You probably don’t remember Christine, per say, but you definitely remember her right thigh, calf, ankle and perfectly pedicured toes in six-inch heels peeking out from the emerald green dress slit up to there. You probably also remember the cute bracelet that Camilla wears from that rando chick her dad met once upon a time on that show he was on.
Status: No Rose

: 24
Occupation: Marketing Manager
Hometown: Aurora, IL
Why you remember her: You’re familiar with Christy’s boobs. And her cute white headband. I’m unsure if she ever spoke. You definitely confused her with the other bottled blond.
Status: Rose

: 32
Occupation: Hairstylist
Hometown: Sacramento, CA
Why you remember her: In the worst decision in Bachelor franchise history, Clare decides that displaying a fake baby bump in hot pink dress is the best way to show Juan Pablo that she is whimsical and fun. We also collectively clutched our pearls, hoping that the fake hormones rushing through Clare’s body wouldn’t make her have a huge lapse in judgment and immediately hand over the DVD her deceased father made for her future husband. Refrain dear Clare. DON’T CAVE TO THE PRESSURE.
Status: Rose

: 25
Occupation: Psychiatric Nurse
Hometown: Litchfield, IL
Why you remember her: Danielle wore a pretty ridiculous looking ombre dress. The only way to describe it is if you imagined a dingy toga with a six inch hem of mud on the bottom. Still, I have high hopes that she slipped a heavy dose of Lexapro into the going away swag bag of anyone leaving the ceremony without a rose. She could truly be loads of fun if they allowed her to wield a prescription pad with reckless abandon. At the very least, the girl deserves permanent dibs on a dark leather chair adjacent to a velvet couch.
Status: Rose

: 27
Occupation: First Grade Teacher
Hometown: Forty Fort, PA
Why you remember her: Elise had a tiny disco ball dress with major junk in the trunk. I loved it! There was one awkward moment when Juan Pablo asked about her family and she answered that her Dad was in Pennsylvania. He then asked about her Mom and Elise looked like she would rather talk about anything else than the fact that she had just lost a parent. She affectionately told Juan Pablo that her Mom wanted her to find a Prince one day. He had a fabulous response: “You’re in the right place because I’m looking.” Well done Juan Pablo.
Status: Rose

: 29
Occupation: Medical Sales Rep
Hometown: Iowa City, IA
Why you remember her: Kat was another blond in a tight red dress. She casually mentions that she’s a dancer, yet doesn’t know how to salsa. I call BS on that line. But being the gentleman who Juan Pablo is, it’s in his DNA to just grab a woman and begin moving his hips in seductive rotations. If we learned anything from “Strictly Ballroom” it’s that all Latin people need only to listen to el ritmo in their hearts. Who needs music? PS: Juan Pablo thought she smelled good.
Status: Rose

: 27
Occupation: Dog Lover
Hometown: Conyers, GA
Why you remember her: Naturally Kelly the dog lover would be allowed to bring her pooch Molly on location. Juan Pablo plays along and sweetly whistles for Molly to come visit him. She doesn’t. Kelly tottles up in her spiky heels and red dress, apologizing for Molly’s rude behavior. A.) Give me a break. B.) Ten bucks says one of our outtakes at the end of the show is that dog humping the teddy bear Danielle gave to Camilla. Any takers?
Status: Rose

: 23
Occupation: Interior Designer
Hometown: Rockford, IL
Why you remember her: Kylie is the red head who wore a pink dress. Everyone watching looked to the person they forced to watch with them instead of the BSC Championship game and asked out loud, “But I thought red heads hated wearing pink?” Before you knew it, Kylie was whisking by our Bachelor with not so much as a how do you do? But the obvious reason you remember her is that Kylie, the red head in pink with a two-syllable name, gets that confused with Kat – a one syllable name. Sure Kat was standing behind Kylie when Juan Pablo called the former, but there was no preparing me for the utter embarrassment I felt as the red head in pink gleefully strolled mid-way to the rose pedestal before registering a room full of SHUT UP! She apologized and then I assume she returned to her loser position in the line-up. I’m unsure because I was crammed so far into the cushions of my chair I could barely breathe. She has the rare opportunity to show some maturity in her exit interview and laugh off the horrific moment with a casual wave of her ringless hand. Instead, she confesses to being heart broken and has no clue how she’s ever going to make it. Since she’s 12-years-old, I can empathize how first heart breaks are tough. My advice is to find a pint of ice cream and change back to your natural hair color.
Status: No Rose

: 25
Occupation: Nursing Home Owner
Hometown: Antelope Acres, CA
Why you remember her: Lacy is the one who has several disabled siblings and works at a nursing home. In her best baby voice, she encourages the viewing audience that you are never fully dressed without a smile. She arrived wearing a regal purple gown with ginormous rhinestone embellishments. I found this odd, because who cares what you’re wearing from Main Street to Saville Row? Clearly it’s what you wear from ear to ear and not from head to toe that matters. Lacy tells Juan Pablo that dating 25 girls can give anyone a headache. She hands Juan Pablo huge bottle of prescription medicine she swiped from poor Mr. Jones in room 4-D. He pops a pill and grins at her expectantly. Lacy insists on revealing that it’s not a REAL pill. It’s a hot tamale! He doesn’t seem impressed. His Madre makes the best tamales this side of the equator. Lacy further nails her own coffin by later presenting a jigsaw puzzle she made from a picture janked off of Juan Pablo’s Instagram account of him and his daughter. She had cleverly removed one of the corners and proclaimed that she was the missing piece in his life! Authorities were called in shortly thereafter and the restraining order papers were drawn up as a precaution.
Status: No Rose

Lauren H
: 25
Occupation: Mineral Coordinator
Hometown: Edmond, OK
Why you remember her: Poor Lauren H. She was left at the alter and it took 24 other women, a hot Latin soccer player, a magnetic host and a brief stint on national television to realize that she might not be over the rejection. She had cried seven times before she even met Juan Pablo. He did the right thing by cutting her loose the first night. I hope she got Danielle’s card. Oh right. It’s in the swag bag with a bottle of Firestone wine, a replica of a Stella & Dot necklace Emily Maynard wore to a benefit and season two of Drop Dead Diva featuring the acting skills of the one and only Jake Pavelka. My bad.
Status: No Rose

Lauren S
: 26
Occupation: Music Composer
Hometown: Detroit, MI
Why you remember her: From the minute Lauren S began pedaling her mobile piano/bicycle contraption toward Juan Pablo, I had high hopes for this girl. Then she stood up and I saw her black mullet dress. Hopes dashed. But when she forgot to give Juan Pablo her name and he ran back in the mansion to ask, I knew she would be getting a chance to compose the perfect love song.
Status: Rose

: 24
Occupation: Free Spirit
Hometown: Santa Barbara, CA
Why you remember her: According to the Free Spirit, hippies don’t wear shoes. They do wear a crown of roses in their hair and little to no makeup. Chances are Juan Pablo didn’t comment on how good she smelled. She flung her funky feet into his lap and laughed and giggled in all the right places. She skipped to the rose pedestal when her name was called and executed the perfect childlike pirouette back to her place in line. She’s going to be the villain this season. Had Bangs and Oklahoma not been massaging and melting down all over the place, I’m quite confident Free Spirit would have been awarded more air time.
Status: Rose

: 24
Occupation: Personal banker
Hometown: Wagener, SC
Why you remember her: Maggie wore the 58th red dress of the night with a giant key hole in the front to properly display the ladies. It was Mags first time on an airplane ever! She gave Juan Pablo a fish hook and told him that “he was the big catch she’d been waitin’ for” in a deep South Carolina drawl. He let her go because he couldn’t understand her accent.
Status: No Rose

: 26
Occupation: Pediatric nurse
Hometown: Kearney, MO
Why you remember her: Nurse Nikki looks downright wholesome in her “meet the bachelorettes” pre-package interview. She transitions from fixing babies left and right in her cute scrubs to bow-chicka-bow-wow in a sultry black dress with bedazzlements. She wisely remembers to bring her stethoscope and invites Juan Pablo to take a listen to her heart so she can prove just how nervous she is to meet him. He croons that there is no reason to be nervous and then high fives Harrison for getting to second base in the first hour of the show. Bob Guiney’s record has been officially broken.
Status: Rose

: 32
Occupation: Real estate agent
Hometown: Martha’s Vineyard, MA
Why you remember her: Renee is the single mom. You love her. And so does Juan Pablo.
Status: Rose

: 29
Occupation: Opera singer
Hometown: Ottawa, Canada
Why you remember her: When we learn that Sharleen is an opera singer, a collective chorus of “PLEASE DON’T BUST OUT YOUR FAVORITE ARIA RIGHT NOW” was issue forth with certain force from my living room. The upstairs neighbors stamped their feet in agreement. Fortunately, her introduction is simple and polite. During her one-on-one time, Juan Pablo learns that she tries not to eat meat, which I think is a darling way to say you’re a vegetarian, but so often in Germany, where she resides, there’s a great big _______ in her pea soup. Just as Juan Pablo is offering “sausage link,” Sharleen drops the word “wiener” and our Bachelor is giggling like a pre-pubescent boy. Juan Pablo tells the camera that she has mundo (the world) and gushes over the fact that she is one lucky lady to be receiving the first impression rose. Unfortunately, Sharleen was sharing at that exact same time that she felt no chemistry for el bachelor. He asks Sharleen if she will accept the rose and she thinks about it. For 30 seconds. Before answering, “Um, sure.” Juan Pablo seems unfazed by this interaction, or the fact that she keeps calling him “sir” like he’s Paul McCartney or Mix-A-Lot. She admits that she’s flattered and he explains that he gave her the rose because she’s elegant and unique. Points for Juan Pablo on this choice. The verdict is still out on Shar. I don’t expect her to feel true love right now, of course, but she seems like she’s not quite sure what she flew halfway across the world for.
Status: First Impression Rose

: 26
Occupation: Personal trainer
Hometown: Sutter, CA
Why you remember her: Valerie is Katniss Everdeen if Katniss got to pick out her own dress for the ball instead of wearing what her Capitol stylists picked out for her. She even had a bow and arrow. Sadly, the odds were not in her favor.
Status: No Rose

: 24
Occupation: Legal Assistant
Hometown: Porto Alegre, Brazil
Why you remember her: I honestly have no idea who this is.
Status: Rose

Well the you have it! The season of JUAN-uary has officially begun. Who are you rooting for? Will Lucy be a “winning” villain like Courtney? Will that dog go everywhere the Lover goes? Will someone give First Impression Aria a rundown on what this show is all about?

Sound off in the comments section!

All about the shame, not the fame,

PS: Thanks for your patience with today’s late posting. We lost a dear man recently, but I know he’s still poking fun at me in heaven for recapping this show. We love you Mr. Duck!

77 Responses to “El Bachelor Latino Recap-o: Episode Juan”

  1. Lori H says:

    Brilliant, as always!

    This had me ROFLing: She wisely remembers to bring her stethoscope and invites Juan Pablo to take a listen to her heart so she can prove just how nervous she is to meet him. He croons that there is no reason to be nervous and then high fives Harrison for getting to second base in the first hour of the show. Bob Guiney’s record has been officially broken.

  2. Robyn :) says:

    I would have been playing with the dog the whole time lol.

    I LOVED the pink dress. Not the girl in it, but the dress was so pretty.

    I thought the science girl and piano player were lame.

    I am glad he sent the Mineral Coordinator (what in the world is THAT anyway???) home. She was obviously on the rebound.

    I think he should have sent the Free Spirit home, too.

    I am glad he sent the massage girl home because she was ridiculous.

    I kinda like the nurse.

    I think Juan Pablo is my favorite bachelor ever.

  3. Christa says:

    Lincee, how I’ve missed you. Thanks for making me laugh! By the way, if you loved “Divergent”, try the “Delirium” series by Lauren Oliver.

  4. babyboomer says:

    Why did JP’s accent come ‘n’ go?

    Why does Papa speak better English than his baby boy?

    Why does JP remind me of Celine Dion with all the facial gestures and hamming it up for the cameras?

    Why are all these gals so SILLY – except for the Opera Singer who is so SERIOUS?

    Why would JP keep a shoeless kid – and what’s with the “free spirit”?

    Charming yes – Handsome yes – Player yes.

  5. Amanda says:

    “You know you thought it. I just wrote it”. Yes I felt dirty. I hit the recall button in knee jerk reaction because this was not fit for my innocent eyes! Good Lord woman. Get a grip! Bye Bye Bangs.

    Niki the Nurse = Jessica Rabbit
    Clare = Barbie Doppelganger (she’s to perfect in the face)

    Shar seems to have some sense. Any sense compared to the others and seems to me realized that this place was not what she was thinking but JP may just be worth the drama.

    Free spirit? Villain? Hmmm, i think i can see that!

  6. Debbie says:

    Great recap. You are so funny!!
    I really like JP. He is charming and so funny, but I get the feeling he’s really not looking for a marriage. I hope he proves me wrong though.
    I think these girls were competing for trashiest/ugliest dress ever on the Bachelor.
    They win.
    I’ll give my vote for the final three to the ADA, the nanny and the pedicatric nurse. Or maybe the girl that smelled good. He made me laugh out loud when he said that she smelled good. Twice I think.
    Single Mom was sweet, but she will fall into friend category.
    It looks like we will be dazzled with drama this season. Which is why we watch, right?

  7. Jill Young says:

    I can’t tell you how I have missed my Tuesday recaps!
    Sunday – Downton Abbey
    Monday – The Bachelor
    Tuesday – Lincee’s recap
    Wed. – The Middle
    Thur-Sat – bored

    I was shocked at JP’s pic for FIR! He did seem taken with the dress – perhaps because it was subdued and elegant. But really -couldn’t see the chemistry. She looked miserable and so uncomfortable. Maybe that is why he liked her – she is a challenge to him and not falling all over him. I found it quite bizarre but loved that she is true to herself.
    I think she must be an alto, however, due to that low voice.

  8. Meg says:

    I just love that Recap Tuesdays are back! Sharleen gave me the creeps, and Free Spirit is a wackadoodle who looks a bit too much like Courtney the Model. I like the lawyer- she’s so pretty and seems relatively smart, despite the fact that she’s opted to be a contestant on the Bachelor. JP seems to like her, too, as well as Nikki the Nurse and her Butt.

  9. Marge says:

    Sir Mix-a-lot

    Lincee, you crack me up!! Always.
    Thank you!

  10. Haley says:

    Yay I love my Tuesday ritual of reading Lincee’s recaps!

    Thoughts on Juan Pablo: He is probably my favorite bachelor. Yes, agree with all the other readers, not sold on the idea he’s looking for “marriage’ per se, but he doesn’t look like he’s trying to maliciously play anyone. He seems relatively harmless, and my gosh he gets the girls wound up doesn’t he?

    Thoughts on the girls: Nikki the nurse will go mighty far. She looks like Marisa Miller to me (I love Marisa Miller!). He seems really taken with Andi (lawyer) but something about her rubs me the wrong way. I

    I was hoping he would keep crazy Amy around, she would have been fun to watch for a few episodes. Lucy is going to create havoc with the girls, and is definitely not a top contender. She doesn’t make top 5. I felt so bad for Kylie the redhead! Oh I was so mortified for her and couldn’t stop my hands from going up to my face.

    Can’t wait for more!

    One last thought-I know we’ll see some tears and drama, but I doubt we will see anything as traumatic and dramatic as Brooks leaving Desiree

  11. Liz says:

    @babyboomer: Why does Papa speak better English than his baby boy?

    I had the same thought, but JP said he was born in Ithaca NY and moved to Venezuela when he was two. AFAIK, we didn’t hear how long Papa was actually in the US before that. If he came as a child or young teenager, he could have been living here and speaking English for a decade or two.

    Pure speculation, though.

  12. BeachGal says:

    Lincee – we missed you!!! Glad a new bach season is back!!

  13. Shelby says:

    “You know you thought it. I just wrote it.” Yes-and I’m slightly ashamed.
    Team Nurse Nikki! Great Dress!
    Living in OK, I am disappointed in Lauren H., poor girl was on the local news.
    And @Robyn :) I’m guessing she’s in the oil field. That’s why we live here. :)

    Fantastic recap as always!

  14. VickiG says:

    SHE’S back and better than ever! Perfect & hilarious descriptions of Juan Pablo’s line up of the ladies (and for some of them I use that term loosely.)

    FREE SPIRIT … I had such an urge to light a stick of incense when she arrived on the scene … but she needs to fly … fly away home and soon.

    I remember VICTORIA because I immediately thought … ‘that’s how he would say my name … so dreamy. It came out something like “Veek-toe-riah”

    SHARLEEN … Her worldly experiences have given her of an overall too-cool-for-the-show demeanor – she needs to get that proverbial stick out of her derriere and have some fun. BUT save the aria’s for the theatre … no warbling on the show plllllleeeease? I’m cringing just thinking about it.

  15. Lemonhead says:

    No I wasn’t thinking “reach completion with every rub “, but I wish I had been because that’s freaking hilarious.

  16. Austin-ite says:

    I get the feeling that a lot may get lost in translation on poor Juan Pablo this season. Hope it is good material for you, Lincee!

    As for Lucy the Free Spirit … definitely villain material. Does anyone else feel like she was recruited by the producers to fill the role?

  17. Christen says:

    Reading your re-caps each week is even more fun than watching the show! I think I peed a little… :)

  18. barb says:

    Great recap as usual! I wish we could findout what Kat’s scent was, I’m looking for a new perfume and Juan Pablo seemed to really like it a lot. I have to pull for Nikki the nurse since she’s in Kansas City with me.

  19. Girlseekingmindlessentertainment says:

    Haha. I loved babyboomer’s comment about JP reminding her of Celine Dion with all the facial expressions and hamming it up for the camera. I hadn ‘t thought of that but after reading that remark, I will never be able to look at JP without thinking of the similarities ! I can’t stand Celine and her mugging at the camera.
    I was a little surprised that he didn’t ‘t keep Bangs or heartbreak kid just for the drama that those two would bring. Talk about train wrecks!
    Hilarious that JP would get advice about kissing from the worst kisser ever!!!!!

  20. Lori says:

    Great recap as usual! Many LOL moments! She’s very bendy! I heard Phoebe’s voice as I read it!

    So sorry for the loss of your Mr. Duck.

  21. Rave says:

    Did anyone else catch that there was still a rose on the table when the last rose was handed out? You can just see it in the overhead when the last girl was coming up to get her rose. Im so confused on how this could be…

  22. Bri says:

    @Rave: The order we see things is not necessarily the order in which they actually occurred! The same with the order of the limo exits. It’s edited and shown a certain way in order to create drama for the viewers. We can never forget that first and foremost, to the producers, it is a TV show!

    By the way, good eyes!

  23. Mary says:

    I agree with Amanda, Nikki does look like Jessica Rabbit!

  24. Mary says:

    I thought it was weird that sharleen kept saying Sir.

  25. Beth says:

    Somwhow I posted this comment on the wrong recap. Ooops. Anyway, loved the Annie references, lol. One of my very favorite movies growing up. I actually watched the original this afternoon with my girls (going on the third day of school cancellations due to the cold…ugh…Mama needs a martini).

    I like the single mom the best, but I’m sure you are right…total Friends Zone.

    I’m not impressed with Andi. Any attorney who gleefully proclaims on national television that she “doesn’t read” but instead just kind of gets out there and “does it,” isn’t going to excel in her profession. Big boobs will only get you so far with a judge. I speak from experience. Not the big boobs part, the attorney part.

  26. Amanda says:

    I just watched the rose ceremony on my DVR. You’re right! He picked up the last rose per OHCH called Amy then? There was a rose!!

    Editing issue????

  27. jess says:

    “You know you thought it. I just wrote it” pretty much sums up every recap you’ve ever written, why I adore you, and why I still watch this Godforsaken train wreck of a show (to come here and laugh as I read the running commentary that was in my head the night before.)

    I know how much work this takes. From a loyal fan, thank you.

  28. Lauren says:

    I think Kylie was trying to channel the Little Mermaid. I remember watching that movie as a 10 year old and knowing that pink was not a good look on a ginger. How Kylie made it into her twenties without anyone telling her is beyond me.

  29. Helen says:

    I thought Lacy and Renee were the same person. After looking at the cast on ABC, I’m convinced that they are. Glad one is gone!

  30. LindaMarie says:

    Oh, El Bach El Or- it’s going to be a good season!!

    Also, I loved the Divergent Reference… Glad I’m not the only 30-something obsessed with teen romance amidst dystopian societies… And can you BELIEVE how they ended the third book?!?!?!?

  31. Heather says:

    Loved the Annie references! I actually think Sharleen is going to be the villain because in the previews it seems like she pulls a lot of the same Courtney moves like crying and saying “It’s just so hard for me to be here competing with all these women” and it seems like he is going to cater to her. I hate that!

  32. Breanne says:

    YES! My favorite part about watching The Bachelor – the recap. :-) I didn’t pick up on the Opera Singer calling Juan “sir.” “Like Paul McCartney or Mix-A-Lot,” made me LOL!

  33. dallasgrl says:

    Loved it! Does anyone else think that Lauren’s story was a little weird? She said she lived with her ex and he had a son. Then her ex broke the engagement off with her via phone while she was at work? Something pretty crazy must have happened for him to do that, right? Who does that? Also, I think that Nikki looks like a bonde Keri Russell.

  34. Lincee says:

    Thanks for all the comments everyone! Keep ’em coming!

    I have to say…Mix-A-Lot was one of my favorite lines!

  35. Smiley says:

    How.about Emily Maynard getting engaged? Does he look like Ryan from her season or what??!!

  36. ksvb says:

    I thought Lauren H looked 35 not 25.

    I’m from Ottawa and I’d just like to note that it’s not common to liberally throw around “Sir” here…

    …unless of course it’s Mix A Lot. Or Elton John maybe.

    I think he liked Shar because she wasn’t throwing herself all over him. Maybe she’s just playing that routine so she can be like “I wasn’t that into him anyway” when she doesn’t get a rose.

    The shirtless Sean scene at the end was pretty hilarious!

  37. ksvb says:

    Also @Smiley – yes, so true! Put a backwards white tank top on that guy and I would’ve sworn it was him.

  38. J says:

    Really, Lauren? That is the shirt you choose to wear in your engagement photos?

    Call me old-fashioned, but I didn’t really see one that would be used for the announcement in the newspaper 😉

  39. Jenifer says:

    I think Juan Pablo is good looking, very fit and has a sexy accent. However, I also think he’s actually a giant nerd. As someone else noted, he isn’t the best socially (making the pouty face about the girl’s mom dying). I wonder if there’s anything behind the sexy looks and accent? Accents really suck a lot of women in, I’m afraid!

    Did anyone else notice when Sharleen came out of the limo that she stood really far away from JP? I thought she was getting ready to belt out her operatic singing, but I think she is just standoffish and didn’t want to get too close to him. She kept kind of backing away.

    Sir Mix-a-Lot. HA!

  40. Amy H says:

    Lincee, how I have missed you. Too crazed to watch the shows live, so I had to do a Bachelor marathon today to catch up just so I could read your recaps. You are the reason I keep watching! Love the Mean Girls refs…let’s see if you really can make “fetch” happen! Your summary of Amy’s massage was perfect…and yes, I was thinking it! Thank you, and condolences on Mr. Duck.

  41. Amy says:

    Nikki ~~~ I am a 35 year old pediatric hospital nurse – been one since I was 22 and I feel like I “know” Nikki. The 20 something chick that comes into work everyday trying to look like a model to catch the eye of which ever new physician is rotating through that month; trying to change her assignment to be able to show off to him how smart she is; watching her co-workers drown while she struts around trying to get his attention….. HOPEFULLY I am wrong so she doesn’t make my peeps look bad. But my guess is that she does not get along with the other girls at work and therefore probably won’t on the show either.

  42. Garrett says:

    You are a genius. But I repeat myself.

  43. A to the G says:

    There seem to be some decent people, but I need to see more psycho. Need the psycho-ness to keep me watching. And this is weird, but I am completely taken with Sharleen. Way cool. Is it just me? Yes? Ok.

    I commented in the previous thread that my real hope for her is that Sharleen realizes she’s too cool for the show and does a sweet “peace out,” a la Madison Vampire girl on Brad’s season.

  44. Girlseekingmindlessentertainment says:

    Am I the only one that likes redheads wearing pink?

  45. Kim says:

    Hilarious, as always.

    I’m more excited to hear what you have to say about “Allegiant” :)

  46. wesleys says:

    Redheads look beautiful in pink. I have always thought that and its true. Pink blush, pink close to face…more redheads should do it so im with you girlseeking.

  47. Alexa says:

    For some reason Sharleen gave me Aubrey Plaza (from Parks and Rec) feelings. Beautiful but very awkward.

  48. Big fan says:

    Is it just me or did Juan Pablo look a little drunk during a good part of the cocktail party? His eyes were bloodshot, half closed at times, & his comments were a little off at times. It may explain the “pouty” face mentioned above & also that he did not seem to notice that Sharleen was not that into him.

  49. meagan says:

    VERY funny, and accurate, as always– BUT, I feel the need to clarify, for the record, that SOME of us WERE watching the BSC game (War Eagle!) and are just getting around to watching the show and reading your recap right now. You made a tough week better! Thank you!

  50. Clayton says:

    Live for Lincee!!! Love your recap as always…and TBT when you used to do it in EMAIL! Free Spirit is the villain for sure…what is her deal? There is one on there that I am surprised no one mentioned is a DEAD PAN for Ali Fedowsky – who I couldn’t STAND as a contestant let alone THE Bachelorette….always love you hiding behind the cushions…lord knows we will have enough this season! BRING ON JUAN!

  51. MA says:

    I kept waiting for Bangs to bust into Call Me Maybe…

  52. toointothis says:

    Ahhh! Why is ABC torturing me!! I always watch this show online, after-the-fact, and now I have to subscribe or something? And it is not even on Hulu! Nooooo! I am dying after your crazy recap and can’t wait to watch it, but I just don’t know how!! Is anyone having this problem? Any suggestions?

  53. Susie says:

    Gotta go with Nikki since she’s my Kansas City girl!

  54. Amanda says:

    White: Lincee posted that the update won’t be until this weekend. She’s in Dubai?

  55. Musiccitymel says:

    Juan failed me so quickly his season. I loved JP until I heard him talk. He’s so soft spoken. Reminded me of the guy from the water park scene in grow ups.

  56. Shannon says:

    Aaahhh! The weekend!!! My Tuesday is just not the same :(

    Lauren’s engagement photos…453 pictures, FOUR outfit changes, the backless top and multiple straddling poses?! Little much….

  57. Chrissy says:

    @Musiccitymel……I completely agree!!! There is something about him that I just don’t like. He is very uninteresting. I am watching now more for the drama among the ladies. I cannot put my finger on what it is about him that bothers me so!

  58. It's only a show! says:

    I was worried that something was wrong with Lincee as I didn’t see any new posting. Thanks Amanda for letting us know that she is in Dubai and will be updating this weekend.

  59. kte says:

    I actually didn’t mind him too much last night – surprisingly! He does seem kind and thoughtful and interested in getting to know the girls.

    I can’t wait to get Lincee’s take on:

    1)The poor girl painted to look like a dog/alien – was she the one that got the rose (for being a good sport)?

    2)Victoria and the “hymen maneuver”

    3) Claire’s fun date versus Kat’s running date

    Does anyone else think that Cassandra looks like the actress from Serenity and Homeland? I can’t think of her name – it is something unusual.

  60. garpedo says:

    @toointothis…Yahoo! we are back on hulu!

  61. Shelle says:

    Best line ever from a contestant; “Who’s leg do I have to hump to get some one on one time with JP.”

    (Pretty sure that’s what I heard as the unvictorious Victoria melted down in the hot tub.)

  62. Vicki says:

    Okay, I’m starting to get worried about Lincee. We need her to check in & let us know she is okay.

  63. Vicki says:

    Oops – should have looked above.

  64. Cil says:

    @kte That’s Morena Baccarin. I agree, she does favor her — the nose, maybe?

  65. Sue says:

    I like Nikki, the pediatric nurse. She seems sensible and nice. Renee is definitely coming across as the house mom; too matronly for her age. I’m liking Juan Pable more then I did on Desiree’s season because he seems to really care about the girl’s feelings but is honest and doesnt seem to be all about getting drunk like some of the past bachelors. Glad he kicked Victoria to the curb right away instead of at the rose ceremony; she was a complete mess and must be so embarrassed as she watched herself. I cant see Sharleen and JP ever working out; they’re on different planets in personality, sophistication and life experiences. No way is that going to last even if he picks her in the end.

  66. Lori H says:

    Victoria and the “hymen maneuver” – she said it twice – first time, I thought she may have just slurred Heimlich – NO she did not! I thought I was going to fall off my chair laughing!

  67. Toointothis says:

    @garpedo Ohohohoh!! Hyperventilating!! Can’t wait to get home and check hulu !! Thank you!!!!

    And Lincee, like a few others, I got fully sucked in to the Divergent world, too, and would love your thoughts on the last book, “Allegiant”. I have spent the last week in a state of numbness/anger/frustration… Now I can at least watch JP for a little escapism from the book series that was supposed to be my mommy-escape…!

  68. Amanda says:

    I am now looking up divergent on amazon.

  69. Hnygrl says:

    @Toointothis – I was smart enough to read the ending of Allegiant before I read it.

    I’m still not over it. I will NEVER watch the movie and will NEVER advise ANYBODY EVER to read those books.

    And Victoria? PLEASE don’t Twerk. You don’t have the butt for it.

    I’m thinking he’s into Renee(?) (elementary school teacher).

  70. Jess says:

    Hilarious breakdown of Juan Pablo’s ladies! This season’s girls are quite the bowl of cereal – lots of flakes and nuts!

    And seriously, what is Free Spirit doing on the show?!? Other than being naked every chance she gets and skipping around the mansion. I can almost see Cinderella birds following her around everywhere.

  71. Girlseekingmindlessentertainment says:

    Jess thank you for mentioning Free Spirit and Cinderella with the birds chirping and following her everywhere. I knew she reminded me of someone …..and could not figure it out …. and now I know!!!!

  72. Olivia says:

    Is it just me or does Lucy remind you of the one of the Manson family clan? Like a crazy hippie murderess?

  73. Shelle says:

    Olivia; now that you mention it… (If those are birds chirping around her head, they must be cuckoo.)

  74. Girlseekingmindlessentertainment says:

    Lucy loves attention and has such a crazy look in her eyes at times that she reminded me of the time that Tom Cruise was on the Oprah show and was jumping up and down on her couch…… he had the same crazy look in his eyes! Haha…… Olivia…….Lucy fitting in with the Mason family clan…… yup!

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