Even though I watched episode two of El Bachelor in the comfort of my own home as I crouched behind couch cushions, popping peanut M&Ms and fighting the lull of vicious jet lag that was simply BEGGING me to lay my head down, I still had the mental capacity to be completely irritated by the lack of Our Host Chris Harrison in the opening scene. COME ON ABC! He is the reason why we watch the show! We tune in to see him arrive in the sunken living room wearing something calm, cool and collected. We take note on how many girls are sporting their network provided colorful tank tops with matching yoga pants. How are we supposed to know that some girls won’t get a date unless Harrison tells us? And how am I supposed to crack jokes about how lucky the first one-on-one date card is when he pulls it from his back pocket?

If I’m taking time out to press on through the exhaustion and watch Victoria’s state of inebriation for 30 minutes, the least you could do is grant me a token money shot of Our Host.

Get your head in the game ABC.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Instagram happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nail stylist or bowing instructor of someone who is obsessed with the fictional life Tris and Four like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

FIRST ONE-ON-ONE
CLARE
I’M NOT SURE WHAT THE TITLE WAS BECAUSE IT WAS SO FAST AND I’M TOO TIRED TO REWIND AND SEE

Before we know it, Juan Pablo has collected Clare from the mansion, blind folded her and then shoved her body into the waiting car. I probably would have puked at mile two, but Clare doesn’t mind. She is content with taking in his essence which “smells like heaven in a bottle.” This is aggravating to me because as a viewer, I’m going to need specific similes due to the fact that I do not yet know what heaven smells like. Roses? Teen Spirit? Latin masculinity?

He pulls up to a snow covered hill in Los Angeles. He yanks her out of the car and then instructs her to jump on his back. “HOMBRE,” I scream at the TV. “SHE’S STILL IN A BLOND FOLD. SHE CAN’T SEE YOU.”

Clare manages to hop on Juan Pablo’s back and he carries her to the edge of the snow and then dumps her in a nearby drift. She giggles and rips off the blind fold and stares at what she describes as a winter wonderland. In the meadow, they can build a snowman. Clare pretends that he’s Parson Brown. Juan Pablo doesn’t get it. Half of you don’t either.

The ABC Intern switches Clare’s four-inch heels with a practical pair of Uggs, as Juan Pablo lubes up her red sled with some Crisco and flings her down the hill. They try their hand at ice skating later. Clare can barely stand up, yet Juan Pablo forces her to go backwards. I thought that was odd. Clare giggles. A lot.

The date moves to the state mandated 15 minute hot tub time. She refers to Juan Pablo as sexy seven times in the hot tub. She begins to massage his back as she shares of her father’s death. Juan Pablo tries to look sympathetic, but his neck can’t really turn that way and he’s too into the massage to actually face her.

When it’s his turn to massage her back, he tells her that he wants her to feel safe and then they begin making out in the blue water. At first I was grossed out because the blue water reminds me of my Mimi’s toilet bowl in her pink bathroom, but then I was reminded of Juan Pablo’s impressive kissing skills and I let it go. Clare seemed to share my sentiment.

Moments later, Josh Something begins serenading the duo and they run through the snow with coats over their bathing suits so they can awkwardly slow dance on a North Face jacket slung on the cold fake snow. Clare keeps her hood up because she’s self conscious about her hair being wet from the toilet water hot tub. Juan Pablo kept pulling it down so he could kiss her. She was distracted. So was I. “LEAVE IT DOWN CRAZY GIRL! HE’S KISSING YOU FOOL!”

My take on Clare? I little too emotional. She got really attached, really fast and seems to cry at the drop of a hat. She’s got a good shot if she can keep it together when she realizes he’s “dating” other girls.

SECOND ONE-ON-ONE
Kat — Not Kylie
“I Can Feel the Electricity”

Molly literally fetches the date card. Wiping the slobber from the edges, Kelly reads that Kat Not Kylie is the lucky recipient of the second one-on-one. Juan Pablo takes Kat to an airport where they board a private jet to Salt Lake City. Before they land, Juan Pablo gives Kat a pair of day glo shorts and day glo sports bra. She looks a little annoyed that she has to change out of her Build-a-Bear white shorts, but she plays along.

We learn that Kat and Juan Pablo will be participating in the Electric Run which is a 5K jaunt in the dark. They must be late because they sprint down a sidewalk as if their lives depend on it. I probably would have thought more about this had the sidewalk not been lighting up like Michael Jackson in the Billie Jean video. I would totally have stopped and taken a picture like this.

And let me also take a moment to pause and publicly share that I would have sucked at this date. You see, I don’t run. I actually attended the Houston Marathon today as a cheerleader. When our friend ran by at mile marker 21, several of our support team joined him to offer encouragement. I stayed and guarded the back packs. If my life depended on it, I may have a decent 100 yards in me, but that’s about it. After three ACL surgeries on my knee, it sort of demands to stay in a somewhat neutral state when it comes to exercise. I’d rather be the girl that gets to have a picnic on the side of a mountain that you arrive to via helicopter.

Back to Kat and Juan Pablo.

We find him dry humping her from behind near a florescent tent. I’m confused, because I thought this was a run. Do you jog a few minutes and then have a rave? If so, sign me up for this date! I could definitely handle that! He has Le Zinc on his cheeks and I covet the glow-in-the-dark sunglasses they both wore.

Kat and Juan Pablo take the stage in front of all the Electric Run finishers. He begins to dance again and Kat holds her own. I was impressed. He offers her the rose that was two bass beats away from falling off the rose podium. Why did no one think to make the date rose the one from Beauty and the Beast that lights up all sparkly? They sell those all over Disney. Since when do these people miss any chance to cross promote? Epic fail ABC.

GROUP DATE
“Say Cheese”
Chelsie
Christy
Kelly
Cassandra
Andy
Renee
Lauren
Ally
Shawntel
Nickki
Elise
Victoria
Lucy

Out of the 13 girls who squish into the limo for this group date, Lucy is the only one who wonders how she will get Juan Pablo’s attention without displaying her bare boobs.

Make good choices Luce.

They arrive at a random warehouse, limbo under the garage door as it opens and find themselves smack dab in the middle of a fancy photo shoot. A man with a blue goatee greets Juan Pablo. Ten bucks he was at a real rave last night. He explains that the girls will be pairing up for photo shoots, but they will not be alone.

He escorts them to the back part of the warehouse where 13 different breeds of dogs are all humping, pooping, peeing and sniffing balls. As unladylike as that sounds, they were really cute!

Kelly and Chelsie are transformed to match their dogs. Nikki was giving hers a bath out back for some strange reason. Elise and Andi the DA were stuck with signs that promote animal adoption. Of course they both have issues with this, but it’s Elise who convinces Lucy the Exhibitionist to trade the signs for her fire hydrant outfit.

As if we didn’t see that coming.

Juan Pablo eats spaghetti with Cassandra like the dogs did in Lady and the Tramp and HE LOVES IT. He puts on the old Hollywood charm with Renee and things begin to steam up. Elise is happy she doesn’t have to explain her nudity to the parents of her first-grade students, but DAndi is still nervous about being naked behind a sign.

Juan Pablo finds her and settles her nerves. For some reason, knowing that he will be hanging brain right beside her makes her feel better. And the fact that Boobs McGee will be on the other side of Juan Pablo doesn’t even faze her.

The time comes to drop the robes and everyone sits on the ground. They don’t even strategically place the dogs to cover crotches. ABC had to use black modesty boxes. I was confused and then decided I didn’t really care. “GET TO THE DRUNK BATHROOM CHICK,” I yelled at the computer.

Cassandra tells Juan Pablo she has a son. Renee hugs him on a rooftop and turns on the huge blinking green light by sharing, “I thought you were going to kiss me during our photo shoot.” He just laughs and pulls her in closer.

That’s a red flag to me.

Then the producers decide that following Drunk Victoria is far more entertaining than any chit chat we will see with the other ladies wrapped up in blankets.

Nurse Nikki warns Vic that she’s hammered and she need to slow down. Victoria slurs that she’s only had one glass of champagne. True. But she’s had 32 glasses of wine and has been pilfering off everyone else when they weren’t looking. Then she changes into her bikini and there’s a lot of talk about straddling Juan Pablo in the hot tub later. We’re unsure if the water in the hot tub here is blue, but that’s neither here nor there because Victoria starts chattering about a hymen maneuver.

Huh. Is she speaking of her own hymen? Or is she drunk confused thinking that Juan Pablo has a hymen? Maybe Boobs McGee Lucy is there and she is not only comfortable swinging low sweet chariot, but she is cool with discussing her own hymen? I’m so confused.

Seconds later I realize she is using drunk terminology and she meant to say Heimlich. I thought she was going to demonstrate the proper procedure, but no. She was humping the spa walls with the loud cheer of Boobs in the background, urging her on.

Victoria decides to go on a field trip to find and straddle Juan Pablo. She stumbles to the rock garden where he is chatting up Nurse Nikki on a mattress covered with decorative pillows and stalks him back and forth like a jungle cat in a zoo. Then she tears off to the bathroom and wisely chooses a handicap stall so she can spread out while dealing with her pain.

Renee’s maternal instincts kick in and she shimmies her way under the locked door. I applaud the ABC camera man for placing the camera in the bottom portion of the door so we can fully enjoy Renee console Victoria as if she the young child like she’s behaving. She strokes her back and wipes her tears and probably holds her hair as she pukes in the toilet.

Mothers are the greatest.

Apparently Renee braided her hair after the puke session because Victoria has busted through the bathroom and is demanding that someone takes her home. A behind the scenes guy name Elan (who has been with the show FOREVER) convinces her that she needs shoes, and ID, a bottle of aspirin and probably a ride before she can leave the premises. Victoria heads back to the sanctuary of her handicapped stall and waits for the ABC intern to steer her toward the open door of the unmarked SUV used for rejection rides to the airport.

Poor Victoria.

Juan Pablo heads to the bathroom and tries to convince her to come out. She refuses, insisting that the stall is her new home and she’s already decorated what she’s calling the living area right in front of the toilet paper dispenser.

He leaves her there, heads back to the other ladies and gives the date rose to Kelly for wearing a skull cap and dressing up like a spotted pooch. He seems exhausted of the whole ordeal and asks that the ladies make sure Vic gets home safely.

The next morning, Juan Pablo knocks on Victoria’s hotel door and listens to her apologize for jumping on the Crazy Train last night.

Vic: “I feel things intensely. When I’m mad, I’m mad. I’m sorry.”

Sounds like step mother material for sure. RUN CAMILA! RUN!

Juan Pablo accepts her apology and then sends her packing. Best decision ever.

ROSE CEREMONY

Amy, the girl with dark hair in a green dress, is a local news reporter. She asks Juan Pablo if she can interview him. He and I both thought it would be like 20 questions, but when she holds up a pretend microphone, my cheeks instantly become hot. It’s just so uncomfortable. Not pretend the rooftop cocktail party is Bourbon Street and live in a bathroom stall embarrassing, but more along the “bless her heart” variety. I don’t even know what she asked him, but what she was going for was definitely not translated. I wondered what I would do in that moment. My Jungle Cruise spiel from Disney World? say the ABCs backwards? I found this exercise way more comforting than actually listening to what was going on in front of me. Again. Bless her heart.

One hour and 39 minutes into the show and it’s our first time to see Opera. Judging by her toga dress, I was 90% sure she was going to finally grace us with an arrangement from La Bohème. Instead she apologized for being so ungracious when Juan Pablo gave her the first impression rose. I can’t decide if I believe her “I have never been more surprised” explanation or not. Time will tell.

Meanwhile, Cassandra is struggling because she misses her son. She takes out some pictures of him which I find amusing for some reason. This chick is in her 20s. She’s probably never taken photos to Walgreens and had them developed before, praying that at least ONE from the role is frame worthy. I wonder if the prints feel foreign in her hands. Like using a typewriter or VHS recorder.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, don’t tell me. Just Google it and know the 80s were AWESOME.

Mama Renee finds herself in another consoling role in another bathroom. Juan Pablo walks in and says, “Oh! My little mothers!” I thought that was sweet before he kicked Renee out (again, red flag) and practically begs Cassandra to stay. They fist bump it out and head to the rose ceremony.

Roses go to:
Kelly
Kat Not Kylie
Clare
Cassandra
Nurse Nikki
DAndi
Elise
Opera
Renee
Danielle (who didn’t say one word)
Lucy
Allison (I don’t know who this is)
Chelsie
Lauren
Christy

Thanks for hanging in there with me this week! I should be okay on recaps for the rest of the season!

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee