TOP NINE THINGS I HAVE TO TELL YOU
THAT MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE BACHELOR
1. Root Canal: Had a root canal performed on my upper right tooth yesterday. I was driving back to work from the dentist, when my sister calls and says, “I can’t believe you went back to work.” High pain tolerance. Right here. I can take it. I’m tough. I work in the oil industry people. You have to be strong in your pink hard hat. It was last night around 8:00 when that theory went out the window. Lying horizontal on the couch with an ice pack on my face, I turned to ABC after checking my TiVO to make sure the Bachelor was going to record. Didn’t want to miss it in case I fell asleep. This brings me to number two…
2. Awkwardness: Why ABC? Why? Why must you torture us with the most embarrassing moments of Bachelors in days of yore? The whole hour? You know how I get. I’m in the fetal position with a frozen jaw…helpless…and you make me hide the majority of the show under my blanket. Eggs rotting. Longing embraces from psychos that won’t let go. Crazy eyes directed to the fisherman. Even though it was like a car wreck and I was tempted to quickly look from behind my blanket…I didn’t. But I can still hear. I can hear Chris Harrison. Did you have to narrate every little unnerving moment? “Remember Amber Waves of Grain and Firestone’s uncomfortable silence?” or “Remember how Jesse gave What’s Her Name obvious body language that he was not interested in her nipple massages?” Make the madness stop!
3. Chris Harrison: Rumor has it that you are writing on the message board. I’ll have to admit that I didn’t believe it at first. But after the little tease you gave us…divulging that What’s Her Name feels up Jesse Palmer, I think you may be you. Or it’s a sneaky ABC intern who works in the editing department and is posing as you.
4. Bob and Rebecca: I go to visit Rebecca over the weekend because she is 40 months pregnant and needs some company. She and her husband Bob are smart. I mean the smart. Literally working at NASA. Seriously. Both of them think that it is the real Chris Harrison on the message board and who am I to argue with rocket scientists?
5. Kirsten Dunst: As I was watching Little Women over the weekend, this thought kept creeping back into my mind. I couldn’t help but wonder… HOW IN THE HECK DOES KIRSTEN DUNST GET TO KISS SO MANY HOT GUYS IN HER MOVIES? Is she a good actress? Is she a bugger? Who cares? Let’s give a rundown, shall we…Freaking Brad “Infidelity” Pitt, Orlando Bloom, Josh Hardnett, James Franco, Paul Bettany, Tobey Maguire (only in the Spiderman outfit) and the hotter than crap Christian Bale.
6. Christian Bale: Ask anyone and they will tell you that I have been a Bale fan since Newsies. I went to see it at the movies in 9th grade. I owned the cassette tape. Which proves that as a young child, I had excellent taste in hot guys. I bet he growls…
7. Back to the root canal: After watching the show last night, I call BFF Paul and say, “Be-Fri…what am I to do? I am in pain and do not wish to write the recap tonight.” Be-Fri answers, “SUCK IT UP! I don’t want to read messages all night long wondering where the recap is. You march your butt in there and write till you can’t write any more. AND IT BETTER BE FUNNY! We have people waiting to get this stuff. THERE’S NO CRYING IN RECAP WRITING!” Then I fired him. But realized I couldn’t do this without him, so I re-hired him. He accepted because he is stoked about all the shout outs he receives on the message board. We apologized to each other and are BFF again. YOU’RE MY BOY PAULY!
8. What the CRAP: As I am writing this sentence, the website as reached 20,000 people. What in the world? I would check all week long to see who cared enough to read what I have to say and the numbers kept going up and up and up and up. I have a friend who thinks I need to encourage people on this website. Like voting or something. So here I go…
9. Lincee’s Platform: If you don’t have TiVO…get it. It will literally change your life. If you are not signed up for Netflix…do so. It will also change your life. Best movies of 2005 you should see: Roll Bounce, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Harry Potter and the Something (is it wrong that I think HP is cute?) and Walk the Line. Watch Ellen, Oprah, Dancing with the Stars, Grey’s Anatomy, the OC, Alias when it returns and the Young and the Restless. Get the CD for Mamma Mia and go to Vegas to see the show. If you’ve never had Wild Berry gummy Lifesavers, I suggest you give them a shot. And we should all vote in the next election.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies…that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying tofu or have a nail technician that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the
show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
I lied. There was one part of the “pre-show” that I did peek out from behind the cover. During my peek, Dr. McHottie was with Bubba Teeth. Lord knows if I had the energy, I would have muted the stupid TV, and missed the whole blessed event.
The hot tub.
Can I get an Amen for the hot tub scenes? Why are there not more hot tub scenes? It’s a simple question. In the Firestone days, we couldn’t drag Andrew out of the hot tub. Even if the hot tub wasn’t hot. Or full of water.
Best Friends Matt and Kevin
McHottie’s two best friend doctors have the task of picking the next one-on-one date. The twosome put the Bachelorettes through a series of difficult tasks to make their ever important decision.
Classic. Genius. Brilliant. All adjectives running through my mind as Matt and Kev asked each Bachelorette to point out the body’s biggest muscle. Interesting since it was a skeleton hanging before them. Some answers were brain, intestines, and the popular tongue given by Red. The guys admitted that they didn’t care if the girls were smart…the just wanted to see how they could handle themselves under pressure. And to flirt their guts out in hopes to get some of McHottie’s discards.
The next big test was to ask each girl to open a wooden box and choose from three different engagement rigs. Nice touch dudes. Tons of PC answers. “I don’t like anything too flashy.” and “I think this one looks like McHottie” or “Whatever he gave me, I would be happy with.” Mowana bellies up to the bar and flat out says she is shallow and would pick the rock.
The final test is to perform unique talents. Man would I kick butt in this competition. ABC’s backwards for sure. Unfortunately, we have an array of not-so-unique-talents. Susan juggles fruit with a book on her head. Nashville sticks her fist in her mouth.
And then there is Jennifer. Oh Jen. Could you think of nothing else? Recite the Preamble of the Constitution. Didn’t everyone learn that in 6th grade? Show them that you can count in Spanish. Have a stare contest with Matt. Anything but model your freaking swimsuit. And there she goes.
Walk…walk…walk…POSE. Walk…walk…walk…weight shift POSE!
One-On-One Date with Susan
Surprise, surprise…Matt and Kev pick Susan for the one-on-one date. McHottie comes to the chateau to pick her up and brings pizza for the girls. And guess what? They all…at the same time…say “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
Where is my bucket?
The nine-foot tall couple squeezes into a clown car and set off for their date in Paris. Funny. I thought they were in Paris. McHottie is very nervous that he is going to get lost and look stupid in front of Susan. He succeeds. He suppresses his road range and finally asks a man with a herd of yaks how to get to Paris. Eight hours later, they find the Eiffel Tower.
They go to dinner and eat snails. Vomit. Right there I would vomit. That is why I could never be on the Bachelor. Can I get a Dr Pepper over here? Are there Pringles in Paris? What about something that does not crawl off my plate? I would get kicked off for simply having the appetite of a 6-year-old.
Meanwhile, the other girls are talking about Susan and how she is wants to be an actress and that is not a reason to be on the show. She is not there for the right reasons. Which brings us to Mowana. Her shtick is the aloof mystery woman. “I don’t care about the Bachelor. I don’t know if I like McHottie. I don’t know if I would accept a rose.” Why are you on the show again?
Back to Dr. McHottie and Susan…she feels the need to pour her heart out. Saying things like, “I like you” and “I feel there is something here” and points to her heart (which she learned where it was located from Kev and Matt) and “I believe this could go somewhere.” McHottie notices the relief in her eyes when he gives her the rose, realizes the hard part is over and escorts her out to the terrace where he gears up for a serious make out session.
Then we sit through a few pecks and lots of hugging. McHottie rolls his eyes, checks his watch and wonders what the deal is. It is then that he tries to get her in the mood with flattery and tells her how happy he is that she is in Paris with him. She answers, “I’m a smitten kitten.”
BUCKET. NEED MY BUCKET. WHO CARES THAT JAW IS SWOLLEN. VOMIT. COMING UP. FEEL IT IN MY THROAT. NEED AIR. CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. SMITTEN KITTEN. SMITTEN KITTEN.
She gets home at 3:00 in the morning and the girls ask if she kissed him. She answers yes and someone says, “with tongue?” Susan answers, “We kept it classy.”
Nashville cries herself to sleep. Red is already passed out on the couch. Susan sleeps with her rose under her pillow and Student Sarah lights up in the bathroom.
Bless her heart Nashville says that they are going on a pimpin’ yacht like Puffy and Beyonce. There is a bunch of unison screaming as they explore the boat. Dr. McHottie announces that they are going to be spending the night and suggests that they all go change into their swim suits and party on the Lido deck.
I think either “Whoomp There It Is” or “I Like Big Butts” blared in the background. Wait a minute…what was that? What are they doing?
It is at this point that I have to start pacing the floor. I’m screaming. I’m begging for him to stop. But he doesn’t. The dancing. I can still hear the screaming in my head at night time. Oh that dancing. McHottie just went down a couple of levels on my hotness scale. Please Lord. Don’t let him. Please keep him from doing it. And there it is…the white man’s overbite. I understand that Red was pretending he was a pole as she danced around him, but make it STOP!
Luckily, Mowana turns aggressive and decides to whisk him away on a jet ski. The other girls hate that she had all this alone time with McHottie.
Then they go gamble somewhere. Shiloh (who?) takes Dr. McHottie aside and confides in him that “not all girls are here for the right reasons.” McHottie doesn’t care that she was throwing someone under the bus…he’s going to make a decision by himself on what he sees.
They go back to the boat and Nashville pulls McHottie upstairs to visit. She wants him to know that she is in this for real. They have SOOOOO much in common. Like camping.
And being from Nashville.
And that she is a Kindergarten teacher and he once went to Kindergarten.
Unfortunately, Nashville did not think ahead of time and take McHottie to the boiler room. She chose the hot tub. Red comes up in her boxer shorts from 8th grade cheerleading camp used as a cover up and says that all the girls are coming up to get in the hot tub. YES! TAKE HIM WITH YOU. REMOVE THE SHIRT BUT DO NOT DANCE.
I did feel sorry for Nashville that she was interrupted twice by the boozer, but what are you going to do.
McHottie says he is not giving the rose until the next morning. Mowana takes that opportunity to bring him coffee the next day, somehow gets in his bed under the covers, has him lay on her stomach and profess that he wished they had been alone the previous day. She said he was cheesy. I’m wondering what she slipped in the coffee?
Jennifer and Student Sarah get a box that says something like, “there will be one rose…see who stays and who goes.” Looks like ABC has hired Bubba Teeth to write their date box messages. WAY TO GO BUBBA!
Jen admits this is her first time camping. It is at this point we all know she is a goner. Bless her heart. She’s in a fur coat from Nordstrom’s while Student Sarah is kickin’ it in her camo. They get to the camp ground and begin to whittle sticks into long spears. McHottie thinks Jen is cute for trying. Student Sarah has already whittled her stick into a sharp spear and goes for what appears to be McHottie’s jugular. Luckily he moves his head just in time.
Dr. McHottie takes Jen into the tent to appease the producers of ABC. She freaks out about the bugs. Ironically, she didn’t notice that Student Sarah was poking them through the opening as Jen talked about how it is okay that they don’t have to like the same things to be married. Right.
They take forever and we see Student Sarah become restless. She scours the woods for some hemp.
McHottie turns Jen away and does not offer her a rose. He returns to Student Sarah in high spirits and jumps on her in her sleeping bag, clearly killing her buzz. McHottie notices the doobie and questions Student Sarah. She explains it is only for medicinal purposes, and McHottie smiles that he is getting to re-live his college days with someone ten years younger than he is. Pass the joint please.
After sparking, the two are unable to speak and do this strange finger to the mouth game that obviously…you had to be there to get…or had to be lit to get. You know…you’re walking down the hall in first grade and your teacher puts her finger to her mouth silently requesting that the students do not talk. They did that. To each other. And kissed in-between. With what appears to be a foot-long tongue coming out of Student Sarah’s mouth. Interesting.
To no one’s surprise, he picks Nashville, Red and G-hand…just because he likes saying her name! He tells the camera he has no regrets about sending Shiloh (who?) packing and proposes a toast stolen from the fortune cookie he got earlier that day, “Here’s to living life in the moment.”
Just checked the website. We are up to 21,000. Thank you. And BFF Paul thanks you too. And Chris Harrison thanks you too. Now get back to work!
All about the shame, not the fame,