Episode 4

A LITTLE HOUSEKEEPING ON MESSAGE BOARD POSTS

1. My tooth is great. The pus pocket above the nerve is not. But thanks to everyone for your concern. I will survive.
2. Loving my Straight Guys #1, #2 and #3, Lawyer John and Scott. You guys bring a certain perspective to the message board that is beautiful to read. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
3. Will not recap any other shows. Thanks…but one is more than enough.
4. According to the message boards, I am “priceless, wicked genius, brilliant, funnier than hysterical, hilarious and someone’s hero.” I’ve made people cry, laugh and pee their pants. It’s a gift.
5. Note to self: Paris has Pringles.
6. Who wants to know if I work for W3?
7. Long live stroller pushing soccer Moms!
8. How to pronounce my name: Lynn-see. Variation of Lindsay or Lindsey. Was once called Lean-key at my 4th grade citizen bee award ceremony. Traumatized forever. That quickly turned into Slinky. Shortened to Slink. To this day dear friend Julie still calls me that.
9. I already have an agent, publicist, manager and errand boy (get me a DP BFF Paul…)
10. Not going to be wearing a pink hard hat on national TV.
11. Who graduated with Chris Harrison?
12. KP from OKC keeping it real on the SOUTH SIDE!

ON WITH THE RECAP!

So I was talking to Chris Harrison the other day and I said, “Chris Harrison. The world wants to know. Why does ABC cut out all your funny lines? We know you are witty…charming…full of laughs. Why would ABC do this to America’s favorite host?” Chris Harrison responds, “It’s the name of the game Slink. It’s the biz. Stick with me kid…and you’ll go far.”

Paul. You’ve been bumped. My new #1 BFF is Chris Harrison. You can be my #2 BFF. Peace homey.

Anyway, Chris Harrison and I were talking about the Women Tell All reunion show taping in February. “Chris Harrison,” I said. “Would it be too much for national TV to wear my pink hart hat on the show while I’m in the audience because you invited me to come watch the uncomfortable moments in person?” Chris Harrison replies, “I think the pink my clash with Red’s hair. Better stick to something less obvious.”

Chris Harrison. Looking out for his BFF. What a classy guy. YOU’RE MY BOY!

There you have it! I’m going to LA.
More about that when I know more about that.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies…that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying tofu or have a nail technician that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the
show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Website count: 42,388

As I sat on my couch last night with my green marker and printer paper in hand, ready to take notes, one question kept running through my mind.

Why on Earth is the Bachelor coming on an hour later than normal this season? Geez! I’m fighting to just stay awake at the 9:00 hour. How am I supposed to be alert?

But ABC helped me out last night. Within the first six minutes, we had ACTION, DRAMA, TEARS, FAKE SMILES, GASPS and a breakdown from Mowana. That’s what I’m talking about!

Chris Harrison (did I tell you we spoke?) welcomes the girls into the living room. Already, I have something to say. Props to Susan for the Belize t-shirt “shout-out” to Bachelor Bob’s fiancé. Can’t remember her name right now. You better Belize that I don’t care.

Chris Harrison tells the girls that two special guests will be choosing who goes on the two one-on-one dates with McHottie. Who will it be? Susan is nervous. Gee-hand smiles. Nashville smoothes her hair. Student/Stoner Sarah hides her stash. Mowana yawns and the ABC intern punches Red to wake up and pops a Listerine strip in her mouth.

Drum roll please. . .

In walks Bikini Model Jenn and Shiloh (who?).

Cut to McHottie. He is so happy that Jenn and Who? have come back to help him pick the one-on-one dates. He trusts their judgment SO MUCH that he kicks them off and then asks them to help narrow down the possibilities for his future wife. How awesome! How amazing! I totally feel the connection.

Within minutes, claws are out. Jenn is in charge. She is happy to take on the task and puts all bitter feelings aside. There is no way she would ask uncomfortable questions. It’s going to be completely fair and just.

First up…Nashville

Jenn: “Do you see yourself with McHottie?”
Who?: “Yeah…”
Nashville: “Yes I do. I think we are the same.”

We get it Nashville. You are both from Nashville. Newsflash…there is more to a good relationship that geography.

Next…Gee-hand

Jenn: “You seem to play it safe. When are you going to open up and let us see who the real Gee-hand is? Are you hiding something? Do you have a big dark secret? Is there something you aren’t telling the fellow girls since you’ve been living with them for six days?”
Who?” “Yeah…”
G: “I like grapes.”

Bless Gee-hand’s heart.

Then…Student/Stoner Sarah

Jenn: “We are concerned about your age. My birthday is four months before yours, so as an older person, can I please give you some advice? Stop rolling that joint and answer me!”
Who?: “What she said…”
Student/Stoner Sarah: “Anyone have a lighter? Match maybe?”

Also…Red

Jenn: “Can you please explain why you are always drunk?”
Who?: “Can you?”
Red: “Hey…I’m young. What else do you expect me to do? (hiccups) Our boyfriend likes to drink…(hiccups) so I’m going to drink. Our boyfriend likes to party. So I’m going to party. (hiccups) Hey…I’m young.”

Who could forget…Susan

Jenn: “So you are an aspiring actress. Actresses just can’t go off and marry doctors. I mean really Susan.”
Who?: “Seriously.”
Susan: “As candidate for this position of the possible fiancé of Dr. McHottie, I would just like to say that I would be the perfect Mrs. Stork. I can cook, clean, recite Shakespeare and make almost all of my marks. I love Young & the Restless and could easily see myself replacing Sharon in upcoming episodes. I have a degree in Drama from the Overland Park Community College and was in two commercials before the age of four. We are perfect for each other. I’d also like to thank ABC for giving me this opportunity to be a part of such a wonderful cast. Thank you. THANK YOU!

And finally…Mowana

Jenn: “I’ve been kicked off. I’m going to go ahead and say it. YOU DON’T BELONG HERE. YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO GET A ROSE. I’M AMAZED YOU’VE MADE IT THIS FAR. TELL ME YOUR SECRET. I’M GOING ON THE AMAZING RACE NEXT WEEK AND NEED SOME TRICKS UP MY SLEEVE. C’MON MO…WHAT ARE YOU REALLY FEELING?”
Who?: (too scared to talk)
Mowana: “Are you trying to intimidate me? Did you rub my lamp? I’ll have you sleeping with the fishes if you don’t BACK OFF Bikini. Listen here, I have intense feelings going on (sniffs) and I’m not sure (rubs eyes) what is going on in my heart (slow tear falls down left cheek) and what is going on in my head.

And then an official melt down. Right here ladies and gentleman. Mowana is crying. Could it be that she does have feelings? Or is this a part of her plot to get the man and claim the trophy? Stay tuned…

One-on-One
Gee-hand

Dr. McHottie decides to take Gee-hand to the Eiffel Tower. Great. We haven’t seen THAT at least two times per episode. Did ABC rent the thing out for a few weeks or something? They are shopping. Bread, wine, cheese. Notice the random baguette guy walking the streets. Oh…there’s another one. Oh…and another. Yes. Holding a baguette makes you officially in the city of Paris. It’s probably some sound stage in Burbank. Poor intern having to run to Central Market or Whole Foods every nine seconds to replace the baguette basket. YOU GO INTERN!

Then McHottie searches for the PERFECT gift to give Gee-hand. What would every woman want to remember their time in Paris? (Yo Stork…how about a rose at the end of this thing?) Nope. McHottie picks an Eiffel Tower necklace and proudly presents it to G at the foot of the Tower. Her reaction? “This is so cute.” (Ouch) “Cool!” (Doh!) “Awesome!” (That’s gotta hurt.)

Unofficial count of how many times the word amazing was used on this date: 27

It is at this point the Gee-hand decides to share with him a big secret that she’s been keeping. She wanted him to know before the girls. It’s really bad so we have to drag it out. Seriously. This is big news. I mean big. So huge that ABC had to tease it 12 times in order for us to finally know that it’s probably not a big deal. But we then questions ourselves thinking, “It can’t be that bad.” Then we play games asking ourselves, “What could it be?” and laugh at what comes to mind.

1. She’s gay.
2. She has an evil twin.
3. She used to be a man.
4. She wants to be a man.
5. She used to weight 800 pounds and was in the Guinness Book of World Records
6. Her stomach is boiling and she needs to find the toilettes

The moment finally comes when G admits that she’s been married before. Guy tricked her into getting a green card.

That’s it? That’s the big surprise? Surely not.

But yes. McHottie has issues with this and admits he never saw himself marrying a divorced woman. But he decides that he can bend all the ABC rules of The Bachelor and NOT give her a rose, but send her back to the house anyway. That way, he can LOOK like he’s a nice guy to give her more time, but really knows that she is on the next flight to USA. What a man!

Group Date
Red, Mowana, Susan, Student/Stoner Sarah

McHottie decides to recreate his own little version of the Tour Day France. Yes, yes. You are reading that correctly. Tour DAY France. Insert joke here.

The girls are in head to toe spandex in array of colors from the upcoming Spring line. They also were forced to wear dork helmets. They bike along, Dr. McHottie screaming, “LOOK! NO HANDS!”

McHottie says that there is NO ROSE on this date. Sighs of relief from the girls. But then he announces a competition. The girl who crosses the finish line first will get alone time with him.

Mowana announces that the game is ON! She is competitive and will win. Which she does. She and Red cross the finish line with high fives from Stork. He is impressed. Ten minutes go by and they’ve had a baguette, wine and some cheese. Susan and Student/Stoner are nowhere to be found. They take a dip in the pool. Still no Susan or Stoner. About 30 minutes later, the girls arrive huffing and puffing. Literally. That was the funniest part of the show.

Since Mo wins the race, they go off to an intimate massage together. McHottie feels they have a connection as he eyes half of her squished boob and her stripper tat the size of Wyoming on her lower back. She playfully asks, “Why did you give me a rose?” He answers, “How could I not give you a rose. I’d be crazy. Are you serious?”

Bow-chica-bow-wow.
Bow-chica-bow-wow

“I need to know who you are,” Dr. McHottie pleads. “But only when you are ready.”

“Oh, I’m ready,” declares Mowana. “You give me the freedom to just be me. And I thank you.”

I had to seriously check to see A.) if I had accidentally switched the channel to Cinemax or B.) wonder if I’m watching a KY Warming Massage Oil Gel commercial. We border-lined soft porn. If you listen closely, you can vaguely here Dave Matthews “Crash” or “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye. I’m not sure.

Meanwhile, our other friends are hanging out in the pool, when they realize, if they hold their breath REALLY LONG they can spy on Mo and Stork by looking through a super secret window at the bottom of the pool. Student/Stoner Sarah is determined to look 18 times. We see her butt bob in and out of the water several times. Red is too busy filling up at the bar and Susan is in the corner trying to memorize her lines for her next date with McHottie.

Second one-on-one date
Nashville

After removing the ginormous Velcro rollers from her hair, McHottie takes Nashville to have their portrait done by some weird Parisian who Nashville claims looks like a mad scientist. The portrait resembles something I did in Mrs. Davis’ 8th grade art class when she taught us how to draw eye balls and noses. Go back to Six Flags dude.

We interrupt this date to take you back to the house. Something is going down. Red, Stoner, Susan and G are all talking smack about Mowana. Luckily, the ABC intern was able to track her down and coax her to put her water bottle on the stairs and listen through the open door at the horrendous accusations be made.

Hi. Dumb girls? It’s me. Lincee. Did none of you learn at a young age…say four or five…when your sister told you to sneak down to the kitchen to get some cookies or Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies that there should always be a look out? ROOKIE MISTAKE! GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME!

The girls talk about how unstable, unhappy, strange, weird, odd, unsocial Mowana is. Red declares that she would vomit if Mo was picked before her.

Hi. Red? It’s me. Lincee. Should you vomit at the rose ceremony, it would be due to the large intake of alcohol. Not your insane jealousy of Mo. Walk it off Red. Walk it off. Can I get some coffee over here?

Mowana enters the room and dares any of the girls to take a walk in her shoes and fur-hooded parka. “PARDEN ME FOR HAVING A HEART” she cries. “YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT MY CHARACTER!”

Back to Nashville and Dr. McHottie.

Stork says that he does not have any concerns when it comes to Nashville. He feels good that she is a Kindergarten teacher and she has surpassed all his expectations.

Nice editing ABC. We can all tell that they, according to McHottie, have a “connection.” Sure. Could we see some of that connection one of these days? You can’t trick us. We are way smarter than you think.

In true adolescent fashion, Dr. McHottie says to Nashville, “You have to go home. But take me with you! GOT YOU! HA HA HA.”

It’s a big day for McHottie. He has to send two girls home. He decides to hop on his bike…luckily, he brought a whole duffle bag full of bandanas and he does not have to duplicate the same one he wore on the Tour Day France. He rides over to the girls’ house and knocks on the door.

Everyone, except Mowana, gathers around the table and drink large bottles of water. McHottie takes each girl for some one-on-one time, beginning with Student/Stoner Sarah.

I don’t know what they said because I muted the TV. But I did notice she grabbed his butt as they were going back inside the house.

He takes G aside and tells her he “appreciates” her being honest with him.

Hi. American Airlines? It’s Lincee. We need one ticket back to Chicago.” Thanks for playing. It’s been real.

McHottie soon finds Mowana on the floor in the den writing in her diary. She confides that she had a rough night in the house and that she is the black sheep of the group. The girls were mean to her. Then she pours her psycho heart out to our Bachelor.

“I am forever changed and grateful for you McHottie. I didn’t feel scared the other day (read in a whisper) to just…let…go.”

Choose your favorite Celine Dion hit to play in the background during this pathetic emotional “connection” with Mo and McIdiot-If-He-Picks-Her:

“Near. Far. Wherever you are. I believe that the heart will go on. Once more. You open the door. You are safe in my heart and my heart will go on and on.”

“Cuz I’m your lady. And you are my man. Whenever you reach for me. I’ll do all that I can. We’re headed for something. Somewhere I’ve never been. Sometimes I am frightened but I’m ready to learn. For the power of love.”

“Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. Beautiful boy.”

Rose Ceremony

Chris Harrison (great tie dude) comes in and tells the ladies that there will be no pre-party. It is at THIS point that Red’s mouth flies open in shock. Unfortunately, ABC edited the tape to look like she was in shock when Mowana’s name was called for a rose instead of hers.

Dr. McHottie tells each Bachelorette that she is unique and beautiful in her own way. But he is going with his feelings tonight. (Way to go man!) Each has left an impression on his life and he thanks them.

Student/Stoner Sarah
Susan
Mowana

Red goes up to McHottie and says that “someone is fooling you” and to watch out. Funny that the exact same audio was played over a previous rose ceremony to tease us the commercial before. You are not fooling anyone ABC. We are ON to you and your tricks.

The show ends with an outtake of McHottie asking the women from the Tour Day France if they like French food. Deer in the headlights. What do we say? Do we answer honestly? Is this a trick question?

Stoner replies, “I hate it.”
Susan looks for her mark, smiles at the camera and says she loves French food and is broken-hearted when Stork agrees with Stoner.

As a special treat, he unveils McDonald hamburgers for EVERYONE!

Stoner mews out a, ‘Swwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeetttttt dude.”
Susan refuses because she is watching her figure.
Red doesn’t want to kill her buzz with food and Mo is off in a corner sulking about something irrelevant.

Classic television ladies and gentlemen (all four of you.) Classic.

Count up to 44,931. Simply stunning. You guys rock!

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee

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