Episode 5

You people are so funny. I should write a recap about the message boards.

BFF #2 Paul sent me a link that someone posted on the Houston ABC site about my recap and how “the author Lincee is mysterious and likes the Dallas Cowboys.” Let’s set some things straight, shall we?

Myth #1: I love the Dallas Cowboys.
Wrong. I don’t care for them. It’s a long story…but good. Next time we meet, I’ll tell you about it.

Myth #2: I’m a gay man.
Is it wrong that I feel good about myself that my writing is compared to a gay man? No? I’m a straight girl.

Myth #3: I live in Connecticut.
Negative. Live in Houston area.

Myth #4: I work at Levenson in Dallas.
Wrong again. Old job.

Myth #5: I’m not really going to LA to see my new BFF Chris Harrison to rag on him about what has got to be THE most hideous tie known to man.
That would be false. Jill, my sister Jamie and I are leaving this weekend. Hollywoooooooood.

And my favorite of ALL TIME…

Myth #6: I am an ABC plant trying to generate publicity for the show.
I know what you people did. You read my Levenson profile that says one of my clients is ABC Radio. That is true. Tom Joyner, Paul Harvey… But I worked on the account for about a year and it went away. I’ve never met BFF Chris Harrison in person before. But I will this weekend. To, again, ask what the deal was with THE most hideous tie known to man was about.

All together now…bless his heart.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies…that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying tofu or have a nail technician that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the
show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Website count: 69,110

I knew this was going to be a great episode when I received a call from Caroline and Jamie practically screaming in the phone around 8:30 last night. Little did they know that I had TiVo’d the episode so that I could watch it in its entirety without commercials. Needless to say, they were both disappointed when they couldn’t discuss the absolute nonsense that was going on during home town dates.

But before we get to dive in to that nightmare, ABC decides to torture us with a video montage of previous “bucket grabbing” home town dates from beyond the Bachelor grave.

You remember Tara’s father. The one that toted the rifle and shot at Quarterback Jesse’s feet? Classic.

Remember how Boring Alex pulled that kid’s arm out of the socket and made him cry?

Remember how Bachelor Bob could not understand Mary Mary’s family as she was in the kitchen planning her wedding with her nine sisters?

Remember Brook’s Dad? You know the BAMA room?

To make us all feel better, they show a GOOD home town date. With Trista and Ryan. Lord that girl’s voice STILL bugs to this day.

QUICK RECAP OF THE GIRLS
Fortunately, if you have never seen any of the shows, ABC wraps the past four weeks in a nice neat package and encourages McHottie to give us a rundown of the competition. He notes:

“Susan is beautiful. She’s smart. But she doesn’t let her beauty go to her head.”
Translation: McHottie has a McThing for McSusan. And why I ask you WHY did ABC makes us endure the horrid “smitten kitten” remark again? They must have done that for us. Seriously.

“Sarah from Canada has a beauty and innocence, but seems a bit distant now.”
Translation: If only McHottie was about six years younger.

“Sarah from Tennessee is fun and great to be around.”
Translation: So is McHottie’s dog.

“There is something about Mowana. She is sexy, mysterious and natural.”
Translation: McHottie would like a closer look of that back tattoo.

Home Town Date One
California
Mowana

Mowana is stoked. Dr. McHottie is coming to her town to meet her parents, soak up the sun and surf. She greets him with a warm, “How’s it going gook lookin’?” He responds by picking her up for a hug and putting her down. And then picking her up again and putting her down. And then awkwardly picking her up a third time since she is not letting go of the death grip she has around his neck.

Clue number one Dr. McHottie.

Dr. Mc confides in Mo that he doesn’t like to make plans. He just wants to take chances and live outside the comfort zone.

Note to self: Never EVER go to the emergency room Dr. McHottie attends.

They continue to lie on the beach talking about how vile it was to live in the house. Funny. I kept waiting for Tara to stumble up with a margarita in her hand slurring, “We were just wondering where our boyfriend was!”

Instead, Mowana talks about how she loves the fact that she has put her heart out on the table and left it there for McHottie to take. She says the experience has been remarkable and she feels free.

Where’s my dang bucket?

Mowana is so pumped to take McHottie surfing. He has never been before. And he still hasn’t. Because there was not a wave in sight. So they just sat around on the surf boards and made out.

Curses to the ABC intern! I thought you were better than this! You are on a beach. Find a board. Pay some kid to borrow there board for 20 minutes. Get out there and boogie board yourself to the action. I don’t care if you have to tape the camera to your head. Such a shame that all the action was filmed from the shore. I’m disappointed.

This just in…the regular ABC intern was back in Nashville redecorating McHottie’s house. Ohhhhhh. It all makes sense now. Carry on.

After a close crotch shot of Mc and Mo holding hands, we meet her parents. Everyone is hugging and McHottie takes this time to go and bond with Mo’s Dad. Dr. McHottie says that he appreciates him opening his house to a complete stranger and tries desperately to get a reaction out of this stone faced man. Nothing. Maybe a grunt or two…but otherwise, daggers.

Clue number two Dr. McHottie.

Before dinner, they decide to sit down and visit. Mo’s step-mother says that the entire show is disgusting and under minds the home, family and marriage. She asks him how he sleeps at night and then goes to another room…unable to look him in the face.

Everyone stares. Mo does not jump in. She wants to make sure her man is STRONG and can handle himself.

McHottie tells the crowd that his parents have been married 35 years.

Silence.

McHottie tries quickly to rebound and says, “If you stay who you are and get to know each other, everything is fine.”

Silence.

The father finds his voice and questions, “What do you believe in?”

McHottie enthusiastically answers, “A lot of things. How much time do you have?”

Silence.

He stammers, “I want to feel good as a person. I want to be a positive member of society.”

Ouch.

At dinner, the father asks if McHottie is a Christian. He says he is a Presbyterian. The father responds, “What does that mean?”

And McHottie is denied.

Mo finally jumps in and proposes a toast to the Louisiana Purchase or something like that and they eat. Later, her Dad steals her away and questions that she is so “caught up” in this guy. She vows that she recognizes something in him and reminds her Dad they he meet her Mom at a football game with cookies and hot chocolate. Yep. It’s destiny.

Meanwhile, Dr. Mc “appreciates” the family having him over for the fourth time and tells them that he likes their daughter and this is very real. Mo and Mc give each other lame hugs and kiss for the camera.

Home Town Date Number Two
Canada
Stoner Sarah

We see Stoner and her magic boobs feeding ducks on a random pond, waiting for her knight in shining armor to arrive.

Funny. If this were me, meeting my parents in Hallsville, Texas, we would have to have our “scenic meeting” at the water tower, Dairy Queen or the steps of the First Baptist Church.

But Stoner and her magic boobs are feeding ducks in a quaint pond and McHottie walks up. She and her boobs ask for a hug in her best mouse voice and he obliges. McHottie is hoping to re-connect with Stoner and her magic boobs. They had a connection. But now he wants to reconnect. Because reconnecting would be amazing. It was amazing before…you know…when they connected. But now…since the amazing disconnect, it is obvious that an amazing reconnection is what the Dr. McHottie ordered.

They go play pool at a bar. Stoner and her magic boobs ask if there are rules to this game after admitting that she and her magic boobs have played before. She and her magic boobs ask about the house and if he knew what was going on. He says yes. She and her magic boobs want to talk about Mowana. He doesn’t. Stoner and her magic boobs decide to throw Mo under the bus anyway and McHottie defends her.

“You wouldn’t want me to judge you for being immature and not old enough would you?”

This is called foreshowing ladies and gentlemen.

They have a miniature fight in the bar. Stoner and her magic boobs put on their best 8th-grade pouty face…just to prove that she is mature…and they leave to go to her house.

And when I say her house, I mean her house. My girl Stoner and her magic boobs still live at home. We find this out when her Mom talks about how many phone calls Stoner and her magic boobs receive all the time. I was laughing my butt off.

McHottie gives advice to Stoner’s brother about medical school. He looked 12 to me, so he must be some Doogie Howser. The Mom continued asking dumb questions about the show. Told McHottie that Stoner had blessed her life with energy. Stoner and her magic boobs decide to kill the mood by bringing up constant reminders that there are other girls in this competition. McHottie found this annoying.

Stoner and her magic boobs follow her Mom to her fluffy pink bed with mosquito net hanging from the ceiling. She clutches her teddy bear and asks Mom how to play the game to win McHottie’s heart. Mom says to be herself.

McHottie comes in. He pays the kid brother $10 to stand outside the door and knock if the Mom comes up the stairs. They lay on the princess bed. Stoner and her magic boobs ask McHottie a serious question, “Do you believe you create your own destiny?”

McHottie doesn’t understand what she means, so he removes the teddy bear from the front of her mouth and kisses her to make it all go away. He claims that she is an onion…with many layers.

They get lit from her stash hidden in the teddy bear and pass out.

Home Town Date Number Three
Nashville
Nashville Sarah

Hey…did everyone catch that McHottie and Nashville live down the street from each other? I know…it was tough to realize. I had to remind TiVo a few times, but I finally got it. Once from him. Once from her. Once from Mom. Once from Dad. Once from Aunt Rhoda. Once from the dog. Once from the sister. Once from the other sister. Once from Chris Harrison. Once from my boss. Once from my sister calling. Once from Julie calling. Once from the snotty kid. Once from the mean kid. Once from hot dog vendor and once from reading online.

But I finally figured it out. How amazing is that? What a connection. Seriously.

McHottie walks to Nashville’s house with his dog. The dog makes herself right at home and walks in the apartment. They go to the park and talk about all they have in common. Like being from Nashville, and biking, and going to the park, and being from Nashville.

McHottie confesses to Nashville that he wants to live in the mountains one day. Nashville tries to act casual, but there was sheer terror in her eyes. She doesn’t climb mountains! If he took her to Colorado…he would know!

Eventually, her two sisters arrive with a gaggle of kids claiming to be Miss Stone’s students. We all know that they are the ones that the parents wanted on national TV. If you look closely, you will see a multitude of SUVs in the parking lot with little beady eyes peering through binoculars.

McHottie gets a big kick out of Miss Stone leading her class through a rambunctious game of Let’s Sit in a Circle and Introduce Ourselves to McHottie.

BORING MISS STONE! We are in a huge park. Give me a little Red Rover or dodge ball…something. We came all the way here to sit in a circle? This is SO not worth the Barbie doll my Mom promised me.

Nashville takes her family to McHottie’s home for dinner. Dad and McH talk shop. Burgers. Grilling. Favorite cuts of meat. Bourbon. Nice.

Nashville and the women folk talk about the life of a doctor’s wife in the den. Long hours. Cute nurses. Living away from their back yard. Doesn’t seem to be a match.

To make matters worse, Mom pulls out the home video from 1993 of Nashville singing and dancing. She thinks this will surely make McHottie change his mind about her daughter. But alas…McHottie finds it endearing that Nashville doesn’t take herself too seriously.

The two make out. Of course we don’t see the lips because there is some weird editing going on. I’m pretty sure Nashville was standing on a stool. They both confess that there was an amazing connection that they lived so close and had so much in common.

Home Town Date Number Four
North Carolina
Susan

There it is again. Susan on a random bridge in the woods. There are no bridges in Hallsville. Maybe I could use the football stadium? Or the historical marker we have in front of old Mrs. Wood’s house?

The pair wears matching denim and black, sitting on the green grass drinking wine from coffee mugs without shoes on. Another life question is asked, “Are you comfortable in life? Are you content?”

Susan claims she is in transition. McHottie pulls out his fortune cookie and states, “The key to my own happiness is to be happy right now” and stuffs the paper back in his pocket to use later.

Susan then rambles on about some glass being half empty and one being almost full and pouring one into the other and sharing and drinking and evaporation and then it all being okay in the end. McHottie shakes his head. He gets her depth.

They attempt to toss a football and then kiss in the Duke Gardens. Susan says that she “likes how you do that” and McHottie says, “Do what?”

We’ve got some sharp ones here!

After smiling for the camera, the two go to meet her parents. Mom announces that Susan is a dater. McHottie looks interested. Susan snatches her Mom up by the arm and drags her to the kitchen. They have a moment.

Mom: Susan…you don’t have an apartment, career and you just broke an engagement. Are you sure you want to do this?

Susan: (Smiling stage left) I will do what I have to do Mother. And thank you for not wearing makeup on national TV so I can look that much prettier than you.

Back at the table, Susan’s Mom can’t stand it any more and divulges that Susan is not ready for a relationship because she is freshly out of a broken engagement.

McHottie does not look concerned.

Susan and her Dad have a heart-to-heart about her career. Basically, she tells America that she is in this to further her career as an actress and will do whatever it takes to get there.

I don’t like her any more. Don’t think she is honest. Especially when she takes McHottie to the local LaQuinta and brainwashes him into thinking she is in this for real. She waves a locket in front of his eyes and tells him she is 100% honest in her intensions and feelings. She is not rebounding. You love Susan. Susan is the one for you. Kiss me now.

Which he does.

ROSE CEREMONY
Lord help me. I was so proud of ABC for not having the lame photos on the Pottery Barn dresser, but here they are again. Four photos in a library. Candles everywhere. Roses. Books. Weird curtain.

And then the video messages:

Stoner Sarah and her magic boobs: I hope you want to do this with me.
Nashville: I’m so glad we had fun fun fun. It was amazing.
Susan: I’m looking forward to falling in love with you. (Bucket)

Mo. Dear Mo. Mowana cracked. Little unstable are we? Can I get a Lexapro over here? Don’t have any? Here…you can have one of mine.

She said that she found a piece of herself in McHottie and that when he was with her family, she was 100% solid. She thanked him for being him and giving a piece to her. She confesses that she would love to be herself with him because she knows he would be careful.

Mo. C’mon. Take it down a level or two. Give me a break. Surely she did not want that to be on national TV. Surely the ABC people claimed they ran out of tape or SOMETHING. Awful. Just awful.

McHottie gives his three roses to:
Susan: who almost tripped into him
Mo: who said she “guesses” she’ll accept the rose. (Do I need to replay the hysterical tape for you again?)
Nashville

Poor Stoner Sarah, her magical boobs and McHottie are forced to squeeze into a tiny seat outside the rose ceremony room for him to tell her that they met too soon. What the crap does that mean? She calls him out and says it was an age thing. She professes to the camera that life sucks. He sucks. She sucks. Everything sucks. And that she feels sorry for him.

But enough about that…the exotic, romantic overnight dates with the infamous forgo keys are next week! Can’t wait!

It is my understanding that when you witness the Women Tell All live show, you must promise your first born child that you won’t say anything about the episode you watch. I, being a proud American, will honor that commitment. Don’t’ ask about the episode because I won’t tell you. I’m that cool. Wish us luck this weekend!

Website count now: 73,906
You guys rock. Thanks for the great posts on the message boards!

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

Comments

292 Comments on "Episode 5"

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Anonymous
Anonymous

Where DID those magic boobs come from?

Martha from Austin
Martha from Austin

Holler back, Lincee! Good luck in LA! Definitely go have some sushi at Koi or lunch at the Ivy- lot’s of celeb citings to be had.
Maybe host Chris will give you that rainbow tie he had on last night!!

Anonymous
Anonymous

Have fun in LA Lincee..also, can you please post a pic so we can look for you?

Anonymous
Anonymous

Did anyone else notice that everytime McHottie and Nashville talked about how close they lived together, the actual distance varied? At first it was: “We are both from Nashville.” Then is was: “We live in the same area.” Moving on to: “We live 1/2 mile away from each other.” Followed by: “We live a block away from each other.” We get it. What’s next? “She lived in my basement apartment and we never knew it?”

Emgayle
Emgayle

good luck in LA. I know you’ll come up with a great question so we can all see you!!!

Chimi Changa
Chimi Changa

As always, you are right on! Good luck in Hollywood! Always been about the shame, but now it’s time for you to get some FAME!

Anonymous
Anonymous

I don’t think we are supposed to post comments here anymore, but…

Good luck in LA Lincee! I think that is the coolest thing ever! When does the show air? I will be dying to hear what you have to say about it after it airs (then you can talk about it, right?)

I thought you lived in Dallas. I think it is pretty cool that you live in Houston, so do I! If you don’t have a group to watch the Bachelor with, you can come to mine!

From one Baylor girl to another, Sic Em!!

Straight Guy #1, H-town, TX
Straight Guy #1, H-town, TX

Lincee, you never let us down! Love your train of thoughts and the random comments! I still find myself laughing out loud over your comments – love ’em!

Stoner & her magic boobs – I think my friend was reading that sex ed. book in college!

Once again, a girl starts talking about past relationships and the doc reaches for his drink! and once again, I’ll re-iterate, never a good sign.

My thoughts: he was a avoid a nuclear meltdown by picking Mo. The obvious age difference (which I called out when he picked Tara and Stoner) was his easy out. I hope and pray that he knows what he’s doing….maybe he’s got his own surprise for us up his sleeve!

Word to the straight guys, Paul & Lincee!

mary hearts tx
mary hearts tx

Lincee, I think we should be best friends – sorry Chris and Paul. Here’s why:
1. We’re both down home Texas girls
2. Your name starts with L, I LOVE the letter L!
3. I’m REALLY good with people who have had root canals
4. Did someone say happy hour?

Anonymous
Anonymous

For the record: I cannot stand Susan. Haven’t liked her from day one. She’s NOT pretty. She’s cute from a distance, yes, a distance. From date #1 in Paris I thought she was feeding McHottie a line. Everytime she talks I think she’s auditioning for a soap. She drives me crazy.

And what? No comment about Stoner’s hair during her post-rose ceremony meltdown? I couldn’t stop laughing. She was nice and neatly combed with the Farah hair then BOOM, crazy hair, red, teary eyes. It was classic.

Anonymous
Anonymous

does anyone else think that dr. mchottie resembles a bobble head doll at times? i can’t stand susan. she is a great big faker just waiting for someone from the bold and the beautiful to call her.

Straight Lawyer John
Straight Lawyer John

Ah, Lincee, we love you so. Your commentaries are terrific and remind us that humor is the very best remedy for reality television and smart girls are to be treasured. A shout out to you for also commenting on Chris Harrison’s abundantly awful tie. While all of us straight guys were leaning forward to catch one more glimpse of Stoner Sarah’s Victoria’s Secret Wonder Bra testimonial and Hot Susan’s “Doncha wish your girlfriend was hot like me? Doncha?” onscreen Hollywood audition (or maybe it was the ‘Pussycat’ Dolls audition, her being a ‘Smitten Kitten’ and all?), you and my very cool wife were leaning forward and exclaiming, “WHAT is up with that tie Chris has on?” The differences between men and women-how do we ever get together?

Honestly, Lincee, I feel we have a real connection……….

Thanks again for once more bringing such great fun and very good laughs to us.

Respectfully submitted from your admiring fan,

Straight Lawyer John

Anonymous
Anonymous

Hey Lincee!

I have to say, I think this week’s recap might be the best one ever! I was watching with one of my friends last night, and we also noticed the magic boobs! Thanks for making my Tuesdays fun!

Anonymous
Anonymous

THANK YOU!!!

jules from georgia
jules from georgia

Last night my husband pointed out that McHottie has a McBobble Head!

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