Episode 6

Women Tell All was fun. I have so much to share next week. It will be interesting to see what all is edited from the show. Thanks to Chris Harrison for the tickets and shout out.

Thanks to everyone on the message board who feels the need to defend me as well. How sweet to know that you are loved by many. Right back at you America. And that one person in Indonesia who reads…

And to those of you who think my picture is too small to see…it was on purpose. I can’t imagine what the message board talk would be if my dented nose and weird scar above my eyebrow were nice and big for all to see and comment. “Did you think she would have short hair? She looks like a gay man! Which one is she? The hairy one on the right or left? Look at those thighs! Unfortunate ears if I do say so myself.”

You have to keep it real when you are from the south side like me.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies…that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying tofu or have a nail technician that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the
show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Website count: 98,915

Raise your hand if you are with Straight Lawyer John and you are a bit over the Bachelor. Hands down. Raise your hand if you really care who he picks at this point? Hands down. Raise your hand if you do not wear deodorant like Matthew McConaughey. Hand down BFF #2 Paul. Raise your hand if you don’t care that Matthew McConaughey does not wear deodorant because he is hotter than crap. Nice.

I do have to admit that it wasn’t as fun knowing who got kicked off before I watched the show. You see, we got to LA after they were already showing last night’s episode. We didn’t get to watch it. Obviously we saw Susan sitting in the WTA audience and used our context clues to figure out she was the one kicked off and America was left with Nashville and Mowana.

But I was still struggling last night to maintain focus. I found my bowl full of strawberries lathered in Cool Whip more interesting than the two hours of nothing we watched last night. I cursed myself for buying Dr Pepper in the tiny cans thinking I would drink less, when actually I drink two or three at a time.

However, ABC threw me a bone the first 30 minutes of the show and allowed me a brief walk back down memory lane. The hook? How exotic first dates seal the deal when it comes to Bachelors in days gone by.

Really? Hmmmm. Let’s see here. Eleven Bachelor/Bachelorette seasons and three of them are still together. Two of the women had to go through the process twice to find true love and only one of the couples are actually married.

But I get it. You don’t have to force feed me ABC…
Exotic dates + closed doors + no cameras = love 4 ever

ABC shows us a video montage of exotic dates gone bad from seasons before. They showed us Alex and Shannon from the first season and how she denied his invitation of the forgo card…and reminded us that she was immediately kicked to the curb afterwards. We saw Tina Fabulous and Firestone get it on in Hawaii. And then she got kicked to the curb. Gwen and Aaron from season two had a literal fairy tale date with a pumpkin coach, wicked step sisters, some sort of glass slipper…and a one-way ticket back to Cinderellaville.

To prove to America that this show really works and you can find true love in reality TV, we see Trista and Ryan, Kush and Sarah, Mary Mary and Centrum Silver. We are forced to witness Trista and Ryan’s wedding again. Luckily they cut out the pink and blue sand stunt. Kush, Sarah and her ginormous broach pointing to her new boobs are yucking it up in LA, laughing at each other and making fun of the world. Mary Mary has taken up fly fishing with Centrum Silver and hopes to live in a tree house one day.

Oh the memories. But why the montage? Are we being played? Does ABC want to psychologically put subliminal messages in our head to make us think McHottie has more personality that a wet dish rag? Does the audio have background noises that secretly tell us, “You are seeing chemistry. There is love there. Exotic dates are cool. Hot tubs are sexy. Chemistry. Connection. Everything is awesome. Paul is dead. No one here kisses like they are brother and sister. See the chemistry? Embrace the chemistry. We can’t afford another season where the couple breaks up. Chemistry. Connection. Awesomeness.”

Therefore, I think the logical thing to do is write in a Top Ten list format. Date by date. Uncomfortable moment by uncomfortable moment. Tear by tear. Hot tub by hot tub. Forgo key by forgo key.

Let’s start, shall we?

Mowana’s Date’s Top Ten List
1. Bees and dogs can smell fear. Pigeons can spot a nut job a mile away. Kamikaze birds unite!
2. When Mo asked McHottie if he had fun in the OC, I couldn’t help but wonder if he met Ryan Attwood.
3. Mo breaking out the Italian card: After threatening to sew an exact replica of a voodoo doll in the shape of the executive producer, Mowana gets to go to Italy on her exotic date and speak Italian to the waiters, therefore impressing McHottie with her mysterious and exciting personality.
4. Man wearing an outfit from It’s A Small World plays accordion for the couple. I’m pretty sure that was just after they sucked a string of spaghetti towards each other for a kiss under a bridge. I could be wrong though.
5. Dr. McHottie has spent more than one hour with Mowana and has run out of things to say. But he enjoys her silence and likes the fact that there is no need for words when she is around. What?
6. Nice toast McHottie: “To us. To Venice. To me. (huh?) I’m with the most beautiful woman in Venice.” **Note to self, he did NOT say the most beautiful woman in the world. He said Venice.**
7. Did anyone follow the dinner conversation? Something about I can’t wait to get back to my old life, yet I would have never met you. I can teach you. You can teach me. We can continue to learn. Everything is real.
8. It’s nice to know that Mo and Mc are on the same page. It’s nice to hear that he thinks they are and then to hear that she thinks they are and then to hear them discuss they appreciate the other one thinks they are and together being on the same page is good.
9. Mo straight up tells the camera that she is ready to go to the Forgo Suite and get to know McHottie on a physical level. We see her whisper something in his ear along the lines of, “If you close that door right now, you will see what it means to be on the same page as me.”
10. McHottie suffers through another one of Mo’s death grips on the couch as he is trying to peel her off of him so he can run to the door, shut it and get lucky Italian style!

Nashville’s Date’s Top Ten List
1. I can’t tell you the last time I enjoyed a Ferris wheel that went less than one mile per hour.
2. There’s nothing like a good couples massage followed by a jovial dip in some magical Australian bathtub that forces one to be physically unable to submerge oneself in the water and giggle constantly at the fact that you are floating.
3. Enough with the pecking kisses.
4. Did Chris Harrison just say Nashville was a Kindy-garden teacher?
5. Kudos to the ABC intern for making sure every set of stairs in Vienna had candles on them. Nice work dude.
6. McHottie is sick of the fancy food and orders Bubba Gump shrimp to be flown in from Louisiana. The two eat in the Forgo Suite and talk about how much they have in common. ABC intern cries to the ABC Psychologist about how hard he has been working to make each date perfect with candles, roses and fine china…and no one appreciates him.
7. McHottie admits he has the best friendship connection with Nashville and gives her a BeFri necklace.
8. He asks about what she thinks of the other girls and is smitten like a kitten that she didn’t bad mouth Mo or Susan.
9. They make out UNLIKE brother and sister for about ten minutes. Lots of angles. Lots of coaching in the background we can’t hear. C’mon people…if we are going to make this look believable, we have to help the Tennessee folks out. Lift her up. Tilt your head to the right. To the right Travis…that’s your left. You’ve stepped out of lighting. Intern…go get Nashville a box to stand on. Quit crying. There’s no crying on the Bachelor.
10. My vote is that Nashville wins.

Susan’s Date’s Top Seven List Because I Can’t Think of Ten
1. Let’s climb a rock and sit on a log that was taken from a Dirty Dancing scene and talk about your motives. That sounds fun! Did you come here for exposure?
2. Cider wine….steaming…in a kettle. Where’s my bucket?
3. Let’s sit down with our vomit wine and talk again about your motives. What a date! Did you think that you receiving the first kiss was some sort of competition you won?
4. Here we go again with the peck kissing.
5. Let’s have dinner and talk about how you only say things that you think I want to hear. Sound good? Why do you always agree with me?
6. McHottie thanks Susan for her honesty and canned answers (ouch) and presents her with the Forgo Card, which she reads in her best baby talk.
7. McHottie and Susan get busy in the token hot tub. Unfortunately, Susan thinks she is solidifying their connection and is looking forward to having her next headshot taken with her rose she will be receiving.

Rose Ceremony Top Four List
1. Thank the Lord for Chris Harrison’s tie.
2. The word amazing was used nine times in the video messages.
3. Susan is an actress. She is emotional. In fact, she presented us with a buffet, if you will, of emotion during her trip back home in the limo. We saw shock. Anger. Denial. Laugher. A single tear. Multiple tears. A breakdown of tears. And we saw Susan dig down way deep and pull out something we were not expecting…
4. The “f” bomb. ABC had to bleep Susan on national TV for dropping the “f” bomb. Showtime…here she comes!

Website count: 100,094
I think I’m in disbelief. Seriously. 100K party…here I come! The hot wine and Dr Pepper is one me!

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee

Comments

397 Comments on "Episode 6"

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Anonymous
Anonymous

Fabulous, as always.

Anonymous
Anonymous

First time I’ve ever watched the show since I started reading the recaps. Did anyone else notice how many times they said the word “pot” when they came up on the cider wine heating over a strategically placed fire? I swore for a minute that he even siad that some people like to drink pot until I realized he said they like to drink it hot. Weird.

kramer
kramer

Amazing recap, Lincee! It really solidifies the connection I have with you!
Happy to hear you had a great time in LA.
kamakaze birds…that one had me laughing out loud!
This was definetely worth the wait!

Sarah
Sarah

Why would you want to drink less DP? You might as well just succumb. It’s not like you’re drinking something gross like Diet Coke. As for the show, I think ABC needs to start paying you. Far too many people are watching just so they can keep up with your recaps. Can’t wait to see next week!

straight guy #3
straight guy #3

Ok, so I think that I might have worn my Tivo remote out last night when they were showing scenes from next weeks WTA episode trying to identify Lincee in the 2 seconds they showed the crowd. I don’t know why I had a hard time finding her??? I continually hit the pause, rewind and slow buttons over and over. I mean one would think that I could pick her out pretty easily being that I have seen her likeness in a 2 inch by 1 inch picture of her accompanied by a Wookie and a Ewock. I had no luck….. Did anyone???

Not much to comment on this episode that hasn’t already been stated by Lincee. “Pigeons can spot a nut job a mile away.”-Love it!
I am glad that Susan is gone though. If she wants to head out to LA and start her acting career, she didn’t help herself on her last Batchelor episode. Did anyone in America believe her being excited over the ropes exercise and climbing? Who gets that excited about anything??? She was freaking out. I think the only thing she really wanted to climb was Mt. Travis.

Only a couple of things that I picked up on-
1- When did Dr. Mc90210 get those sideburns kicking??? Have they been there all year. Hello Brandon, Hello Dylan.
2- Did anyone else notice the picture of Mowana on the sign outside the salon that Travis and Sarah went into for massages?????
3- I don’t think that it has been mentoned on here but I am going to go ahead and call out that Pink Elephant in the corner…. Is Mowana Taliban??? Was she sent her by Bin Laden to ruin the Bachelor?? She looks it and I definately wouldn’t get on a plane with her.

I guess now is when all of the “sightings” and all of the “my brother’s college roomate’s boss was flying out of the airport and saw Travis and (insert name).” I think that as of now we have Mowana being consoled about getting over Travis on MySpace.com and Sarah on dates and hooking up all over Nashville. I remember the buzz during the Aaron season and he was spotted all over Birmingham with Bama Brooke. Didn’t really work out for Brooke…. I am excited to hear about all of the sightings over the next 2 weeks.

Mad Ups! (learned that watching Chappell Show DVD’s this weekend, not sure what it means but sounds cool!) To my fellow Straight Guys/Lawyers!

Courtney from Texas
Courtney from Texas

I like the part at dinner you mention where Travis tells Susan that he hates it when people just agree with everything he says….and she agreed….that was the worst! 🙂

And Nashville Sarah has to win – no way can someone whose dates seem as exciting as watching paint dry stick around to the top 2 – gotta be the editing.

Anonymous
Anonymous

Great recap!
Did you notice that after Mowana referred to them being on the same page that then McH used the same phrase when talking to Susan!
Loved the *f* bomb! Tsk tsk – Doctor’s wives don’t talk like that!

Anonymous
Anonymous

Too short, C’mon, Susan’s Croc tears at the end was sooo fake, it was so obvious that she wasn’t upset she lost him, but she was more upset she was off of the show, I loved how Doc would say something to Susan and she would agree and repeat right back to him what he just said, ie, he says “I hate people that agree with everything I say” she says “Oh yes, I hate that too, hate when people agree on everything” they musta did that 10 times last night Gag! Also, this dude just expounds on everything way to much, he needs to shut up once ina while, I mean every date he would blab about everything, shut up and just be on a date. UGH, I think Nashville is way to good for him, she has a heart of gold. I actually though Mo was a lot better last night, but I can’t get the Tramp Stamp on her back out of my head. She needs to get that removed!

JenniferTX
JenniferTX

I actually watched it last night for the first time — just so I could appreciate Lincee’s blog a little more. Was it just me, or did Dr. McHottie sound like a complete dork with his toasts? I’d have a hard time not laughing if I’d hear any of those in person. Thanks for the laughs today, Lincee — can’t wait for next week!

Patty from Milwaukee
Patty from Milwaukee

I love you Lincee. You are my hero. You are better than TIVO, and much less expensive!

Anonymous
Anonymous

Did anyone notice that Susan’s first entrance was yet again on a bridge?! And I’m pretty sure they just roll the same audio reel over and over each episode. I’m so sick of the same words! Kudos to Susan for livening it up a bit with the bleeps!!

Anonymous
Anonymous

OMG the TRISTA clip was brutal! Her laugh (ha, ha, ha, ha) is so fake its totally lame! Great line about the wedding again, I cant believe they drug up that stupid thing, I dont care what people say Firestone is a cool dude, building a winery I mean c’mon, and he should picked Tina Fab, she was so hot last night, Gwen looked great too!

Anonymous
Anonymous

Great job.

Wanted a tiny weeny little teaser about the WTA show, just a little something, nothing too big, don’t want you to get in trouble, just a little insider info.

Suprised you made no comment about the ridiculous cheese episode with the many faces of Susan. First time you had fondu McH?

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a bachelor that seemed so bored with the whole process. I can’t believe my beautiful McH is such a dud. I really don’t know how Chris Harrison is going to make the next rose ceremony the Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever!!!

Kassi
Kassi

Straight Guy #3–
I so caught the picture of Mo on the board outside the salon. Way to catch the subliminal messages. Good job, Intern:)
KB

Anonymous
Anonymous

i thought for sure lincee would be all over the part of susan/mcdork’s date where she is blabbing on and on about whatever and he is still twisting the cheese fondue… but no worries, i had many laugh out loud moments at my desk a few minutes ago. so happy it’s tuesday!

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