Women Tell All was fun. I have so much to share next week. It will be interesting to see what all is edited from the show. Thanks to Chris Harrison for the tickets and shout out.
Thanks to everyone on the message board who feels the need to defend me as well. How sweet to know that you are loved by many. Right back at you America. And that one person in Indonesia who reads…
And to those of you who think my picture is too small to see…it was on purpose. I can’t imagine what the message board talk would be if my dented nose and weird scar above my eyebrow were nice and big for all to see and comment. “Did you think she would have short hair? She looks like a gay man! Which one is she? The hairy one on the right or left? Look at those thighs! Unfortunate ears if I do say so myself.”
You have to keep it real when you are from the south side like me.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies…that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying tofu or have a nail technician that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the
show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
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Raise your hand if you are with Straight Lawyer John and you are a bit over the Bachelor. Hands down. Raise your hand if you really care who he picks at this point? Hands down. Raise your hand if you do not wear deodorant like Matthew McConaughey. Hand down BFF #2 Paul. Raise your hand if you don’t care that Matthew McConaughey does not wear deodorant because he is hotter than crap. Nice.
I do have to admit that it wasn’t as fun knowing who got kicked off before I watched the show. You see, we got to LA after they were already showing last night’s episode. We didn’t get to watch it. Obviously we saw Susan sitting in the WTA audience and used our context clues to figure out she was the one kicked off and America was left with Nashville and Mowana.
But I was still struggling last night to maintain focus. I found my bowl full of strawberries lathered in Cool Whip more interesting than the two hours of nothing we watched last night. I cursed myself for buying Dr Pepper in the tiny cans thinking I would drink less, when actually I drink two or three at a time.
However, ABC threw me a bone the first 30 minutes of the show and allowed me a brief walk back down memory lane. The hook? How exotic first dates seal the deal when it comes to Bachelors in days gone by.
Really? Hmmmm. Let’s see here. Eleven Bachelor/Bachelorette seasons and three of them are still together. Two of the women had to go through the process twice to find true love and only one of the couples are actually married.
But I get it. You don’t have to force feed me ABC…
Exotic dates + closed doors + no cameras = love 4 ever
ABC shows us a video montage of exotic dates gone bad from seasons before. They showed us Alex and Shannon from the first season and how she denied his invitation of the forgo card…and reminded us that she was immediately kicked to the curb afterwards. We saw Tina Fabulous and Firestone get it on in Hawaii. And then she got kicked to the curb. Gwen and Aaron from season two had a literal fairy tale date with a pumpkin coach, wicked step sisters, some sort of glass slipper…and a one-way ticket back to Cinderellaville.
To prove to America that this show really works and you can find true love in reality TV, we see Trista and Ryan, Kush and Sarah, Mary Mary and Centrum Silver. We are forced to witness Trista and Ryan’s wedding again. Luckily they cut out the pink and blue sand stunt. Kush, Sarah and her ginormous broach pointing to her new boobs are yucking it up in LA, laughing at each other and making fun of the world. Mary Mary has taken up fly fishing with Centrum Silver and hopes to live in a tree house one day.
Oh the memories. But why the montage? Are we being played? Does ABC want to psychologically put subliminal messages in our head to make us think McHottie has more personality that a wet dish rag? Does the audio have background noises that secretly tell us, “You are seeing chemistry. There is love there. Exotic dates are cool. Hot tubs are sexy. Chemistry. Connection. Everything is awesome. Paul is dead. No one here kisses like they are brother and sister. See the chemistry? Embrace the chemistry. We can’t afford another season where the couple breaks up. Chemistry. Connection. Awesomeness.”
Therefore, I think the logical thing to do is write in a Top Ten list format. Date by date. Uncomfortable moment by uncomfortable moment. Tear by tear. Hot tub by hot tub. Forgo key by forgo key.
Let’s start, shall we?
Mowana’s Date’s Top Ten List
1. Bees and dogs can smell fear. Pigeons can spot a nut job a mile away. Kamikaze birds unite!
2. When Mo asked McHottie if he had fun in the OC, I couldn’t help but wonder if he met Ryan Attwood.
3. Mo breaking out the Italian card: After threatening to sew an exact replica of a voodoo doll in the shape of the executive producer, Mowana gets to go to Italy on her exotic date and speak Italian to the waiters, therefore impressing McHottie with her mysterious and exciting personality.
4. Man wearing an outfit from It’s A Small World plays accordion for the couple. I’m pretty sure that was just after they sucked a string of spaghetti towards each other for a kiss under a bridge. I could be wrong though.
5. Dr. McHottie has spent more than one hour with Mowana and has run out of things to say. But he enjoys her silence and likes the fact that there is no need for words when she is around. What?
6. Nice toast McHottie: “To us. To Venice. To me. (huh?) I’m with the most beautiful woman in Venice.” **Note to self, he did NOT say the most beautiful woman in the world. He said Venice.**
7. Did anyone follow the dinner conversation? Something about I can’t wait to get back to my old life, yet I would have never met you. I can teach you. You can teach me. We can continue to learn. Everything is real.
8. It’s nice to know that Mo and Mc are on the same page. It’s nice to hear that he thinks they are and then to hear that she thinks they are and then to hear them discuss they appreciate the other one thinks they are and together being on the same page is good.
9. Mo straight up tells the camera that she is ready to go to the Forgo Suite and get to know McHottie on a physical level. We see her whisper something in his ear along the lines of, “If you close that door right now, you will see what it means to be on the same page as me.”
10. McHottie suffers through another one of Mo’s death grips on the couch as he is trying to peel her off of him so he can run to the door, shut it and get lucky Italian style!
Nashville’s Date’s Top Ten List
1. I can’t tell you the last time I enjoyed a Ferris wheel that went less than one mile per hour.
2. There’s nothing like a good couples massage followed by a jovial dip in some magical Australian bathtub that forces one to be physically unable to submerge oneself in the water and giggle constantly at the fact that you are floating.
3. Enough with the pecking kisses.
4. Did Chris Harrison just say Nashville was a Kindy-garden teacher?
5. Kudos to the ABC intern for making sure every set of stairs in Vienna had candles on them. Nice work dude.
6. McHottie is sick of the fancy food and orders Bubba Gump shrimp to be flown in from Louisiana. The two eat in the Forgo Suite and talk about how much they have in common. ABC intern cries to the ABC Psychologist about how hard he has been working to make each date perfect with candles, roses and fine china…and no one appreciates him.
7. McHottie admits he has the best friendship connection with Nashville and gives her a BeFri necklace.
8. He asks about what she thinks of the other girls and is smitten like a kitten that she didn’t bad mouth Mo or Susan.
9. They make out UNLIKE brother and sister for about ten minutes. Lots of angles. Lots of coaching in the background we can’t hear. C’mon people…if we are going to make this look believable, we have to help the Tennessee folks out. Lift her up. Tilt your head to the right. To the right Travis…that’s your left. You’ve stepped out of lighting. Intern…go get Nashville a box to stand on. Quit crying. There’s no crying on the Bachelor.
10. My vote is that Nashville wins.
Susan’s Date’s Top Seven List Because I Can’t Think of Ten
1. Let’s climb a rock and sit on a log that was taken from a Dirty Dancing scene and talk about your motives. That sounds fun! Did you come here for exposure?
2. Cider wine….steaming…in a kettle. Where’s my bucket?
3. Let’s sit down with our vomit wine and talk again about your motives. What a date! Did you think that you receiving the first kiss was some sort of competition you won?
4. Here we go again with the peck kissing.
5. Let’s have dinner and talk about how you only say things that you think I want to hear. Sound good? Why do you always agree with me?
6. McHottie thanks Susan for her honesty and canned answers (ouch) and presents her with the Forgo Card, which she reads in her best baby talk.
7. McHottie and Susan get busy in the token hot tub. Unfortunately, Susan thinks she is solidifying their connection and is looking forward to having her next headshot taken with her rose she will be receiving.
Rose Ceremony Top Four List
1. Thank the Lord for Chris Harrison’s tie.
2. The word amazing was used nine times in the video messages.
3. Susan is an actress. She is emotional. In fact, she presented us with a buffet, if you will, of emotion during her trip back home in the limo. We saw shock. Anger. Denial. Laugher. A single tear. Multiple tears. A breakdown of tears. And we saw Susan dig down way deep and pull out something we were not expecting…
4. The “f” bomb. ABC had to bleep Susan on national TV for dropping the “f” bomb. Showtime…here she comes!
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I think I’m in disbelief. Seriously. 100K party…here I come! The hot wine and Dr Pepper is one me!
All about the shame, not the fame,