iHateGreenBeans | Blog of Lincee Ray http://www.ihategreenbeans.com Tue, 28 Jul 2015 16:28:14 +0000 en-US hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=4.2.3 ‘The Bachelorette’ finale recap: Gosling vs. Nick http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/the-bachelorette-finale-recap-gosling-vs-nick/ http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/the-bachelorette-finale-recap-gosling-vs-nick/#comments Tue, 28 Jul 2015 04:08:48 +0000 http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/?p=7552 iHateGreenBeans | Blog of Lincee Ray
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There were tears. There was an overwhelming sense of ickyness. There was an impeccable host in a pink shirt. And at the end of the day, there was the bachelorette standing next to a man near a swimming pool with royal blue water. Kaitlyn made her choice. Skinny jeans are not in her future. As […]

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Bachelorette Kaitlyn

There were tears. There was an overwhelming sense of ickyness. There was an impeccable host in a pink shirt. And at the end of the day, there was the bachelorette standing next to a man near a swimming pool with royal blue water.

Kaitlyn made her choice. Skinny jeans are not in her future.

As he always does, Gosling got the girl. The girl got the wraparound porch with blue shutters and a room out back where she can paint. And Nick was left with a commemorative silver metal and a soapbox he could use to defend his actions while his adolescent sister watched crying in the corner.

Quite honestly, I would feel good about ending the recap here, but I know you are craving more than an obligatory opening paragraph exploiting the franchise’s most dramatic season in the history of ever. Because you are the best readers, I will raise a glass and use its contents to help me cobble together some sort of recap that enthralls and entertains you.

I will admit that I did devour six York Peppermint Patties while waiting to see who got out of the limo first. Other than the unexpected sugar rush and laughing at the dog which barked the entire time Kaitlyn was dumping Nick, I was easily distracted by three hours of repetition.

Moving on!

Kaitlyn launches into the final stages of her journey by announcing to her family that she is in love with her remaining two suitors and, oh yeah, they hate each other. When she told her mom and sister that one of the two dudes was Nick, it elicited this reaction:

Bachelorette Kaitlyn 3

A. I love her sister.
B. Kaitlyn’s mom looks like Joan Collins, which means I love her too.

Right off the bat, Kaitlyn’s mom is hesitant about Nick. She watched his season and knows that he handled himself poorly by throwing Andi under the bus telling everyone in America that they made love!

Whoopsie.

Kaitlyn interrupts her mother with some important news—she and Nick were intimate. PS: The other suitor knows. And so does Chris Harrison. And all the handlers. And definitely the sound people. And all of North America. Even the people who hid behind their couch cushions.

Instead of chastising her daughter on a national stage, Kaitllyn’s mom puts on her best Alexis Carrington face and praises her for being honest with everyone. Then she excused herself to make some important calls to ColbyCo before meeting bachelor No. 1.

Nick arrives looking like he sprained his liver the night before. It’s the only explanation for his wardrobe choice. The v-neck and skinny jeans were obviously invited to the ensemble, but the dingy, untucked, denim shirt was a huge question mark for me. That coupled with the wayward hair and “I’m too lazy to either trim it or shave it” beard was not the look I would go for when trying to impress Joan and the rest of the in-laws.

It’s obvious that the family felt the same way I did, because they didn’t even make room for him on the couch. He was wedged into the side with one butt cheek hanging off. Fortunately, he didn’t forget his hipster bracelets. I know this small detail because his hands were in front of his mouth the entire time he told the story about how he crashed The Bachelorette filming by pretending to be a big fan of random comedy clubs in New York City.

Alexis Colby isn’t happy. She has no problem telling Nick that he was possessive, jealous and arrogant. She wants to know what her daughter sees in him? Because it’s definitely not his fashion sense.

Nick explains to Joan Collins that Kaitlyn is more emotional with him than anyone else. And for the entire time he’s known her (I will generously give him two months), he just can’t get enough. He turns it on big time by tapping into the waterworks. He tells Joan that he’s in love with her daughter, and if Kaitlyn will have him, he’s going to ask her to marry him. HUGE crocodile tears start falling all down his face and nose. I imagine he had to think of some really sad things to become so emotional so fast. For example, not being able to find charcoal grey Converse in his size, or Harrison not asking him to be in his entourage, or Andi laughing her head off when he comes in second place again.

Whatever he does, it works like a charm after Nick asks Joan’s permission to marry Kaitlyn. She says yes, because a platinum American Express and a good haircut can go a long way. Nick is not a lost cause.

The next day, the entire family shows up wearing complimentary outfits. My guess is that they are all going to do beach photos for their 2015 Christmas cards. Hey, if ABC is going to give them a free trip to Malibu, they might as well make the most of it, right?

Gosling arrives in respectable man clothes with a bouquet of flowers and a jar of either tomato sauce or maraschino cherries. I was too lazy to rewind and see for sure. He tells the story about how he watched The Farmer dump Kaitlyn. He took a picture of her rejection, drew a heart around it and sent it to his friends with the message, “Don’t worry. I’m coming for you.”

The family swoons. Joan, in a white denim jacket with a popped collar, definitely approves. But she wants to make sure Gosling is not a jealous fella. She heard about his rumble with Nick in Ireland. Everyone is drawn to Kaitlyn and she wants to make sure he can handle that. Gosling promises it won’t be a problem. Then Joan decides she wants me to take up permanent residence behind my couch by asking him, “What about the time she shagged Nick?”

What doesn’t kill you (or give you an STD) makes you stronger. That’s Gosling’s motto and his sticking to it. If you’re a bird, I’m a bird and all that jazz.

FINAL ONE-ON-ONE DATES

Kaitlyn waits for Nick to arrive on what looks like the rejection dinghy. They catamaran around Marina del Ray for the afternoon. They talk about how this is the end. She sticks her finger in his mouth. Odd. I check a text from my mom telling me her phone is in the attic, which is odd since she texting me from it. They begin making out because that’s what they do best. The ABC Intern never brought her a bobby pin for the flyaway hair. I guess he was too busy collecting big jars and golf balls.

That night, Nick puts on an actual shirt that is colorful. He unbuttons it in a way that says, “I’ll make you bacon for breakfast like last time.” I noticed he had an evening version of his bracelets. They were dark and mysterious—like the night.

He leads Kaitlyn to the bedroom and I yell, “TURN OFF YOUR MICROPHONES THIS TIME.” Instead of hanky panky, he hands her a double frame with a picture on one side and a hand-written poem on the other. She pretends to love it while secretly thinking that a snapshot of Gosling in his long underwear would look great on the left side.

Bachelorette Kaitlyn 2

The next day, Kaitlyn meets Gosling out in a meadow to drink some wine. The date begins awkwardly since Kaitlyn refuses to talk about how awkward things are at the moment. Gosling is one step away from taking her arrowhead necklace and shoving it into his carotid artery to make the bad thoughts disappear. Instead, he chugs the wine while she rambles about nothing.

The evening is a little better, but there’s a disturbing undertone. Kaitlyn incessantly combs his leg hair with her fingers. While laughing hysterically, I become concerned that this behavior warrants a call to the ABC Psychotherapist. It must have been a nervous tick, because she starts interrogating Gosling.

Kaitlyn: I’m nervous about you watching the show. It’s going to be tough.
Lincee: With a boink, boink here, and a boink, boink there…
Kaitlyn: It’s going to be hard. Really hard.
Lincee: Here a boink. There a boink. Everywhere a boink, boink.
Gosling: I’ll just call you and say, “I can’t believe you made out with Joe.”

Oh Kentucky Joe. You’ll go far in Paradise, my friend.

Both guys pick out rings from Uncle Neil. Fortunately for Nick, Neil Lane the person was on the other side of the door instead of a disheartened bachelorette this go around.

Is “fortunately” the right word in this scenario?

The trio take their time getting dressed for the big day. I take my time pausing to watch Gosling drink his coffee shirtless on the balcony. Everyone buttons, tucks and musks up before hopping in their limos. Kaitlyn arrives first in a nude dress that is surprisingly not transparent. She wastes no time pow-wowing with Our Host. It’s time to break a heart. Well, it’s time to listen to a prepared speech and then break a heart before Nick gets one knee dirty on the freshly sprayed proposal staging area.

Nick pours out his feelings, confident that Kaitlyn is going to accept his ring due to the fact that he put his wand in her chamber of secrets. This goes on for 47 minutes. Or four to seven minutes. Same difference. He pulls out the ring and she finally stops him. She wants him to know that she does love him—but she loves someone else more. No offense?

Wrong. Offense taken. A lot of offense taken in fact. Nick is the first person to ever argue with the rejectee on the proposal pedestal brought to you by Home Depot. If she truly loved him, they wouldn’t be having this conversation right now.

Nick: I don’t need to hear how you love me. I heard it this whole time.
Kait: Don’t question or doubt it!
Nick: You took things from me!

I bet she took a pair of skinny jeans. Is it more embarrassing for Nick to admit that she can fit into his jeans? Or for all of North America to know that Kaitlyn wears the same size as Nick? So sad.

Kaitlyn walks Nick to the car where they have another conversation about feelings and difficult decisions. He gives her a halfhearted hug and scrambles into the rejection limo. He dramatically takes out the engagement ring and tosses it to the producers sitting across from him. Then he does the same with the promise ring he purchased in Ireland. Those two items will be up for bid at Mike Fleiss’ next celebrity Bachelor auction, benefiting those associated with the franchise whose 15 minutes of fame have recently expired.

Gosling makes his way to the proposal area. No he does not care that this is the first season that the final rose ceremony hasn’t been in an exotic location. All he cares about his his woman. His speech was as predictable as mullets at NASCAR. Kaitlyn cried. So did I because I was really tired and my stomach hurt from all of the York Peppermint Patties. Finally Gosling drops to one knee and slides the ginormous rock on a very important finger.

I’m rooting for Team Gosling! Also, I give it 100 days.

AFTER THE FINAL ROSE

Harrison introduces Kaitlyn and Gosling for the first time as an official couple. They hop on stage and make out right in front of Nick’s entire family sitting on the front row. How charming!

Kaitlyn’s dress is a take on the classic look made famous by many Kardashians: short, tight and white. Her signature slit is down the front, displaying all sorts of sternum. It looked like the same incision I made on a fetal pig in high school biology class. I scored a perfect grade on that test by the way.

She compares the day to Christmas morning and tells Harrison that she is excited to get up and go to Starbucks like a normal person. Gosling pipes in, “Or Dunkin’ Donuts.” Before we can witness their first argument as a public entity, Kaitlyn hastily gives a shout out to Tim Horton’s—Canada’s coffee conglomerate. It’s aboot time she gives props to her Canadian roots, eh?

Kaitlyn is so excited to finally have a ring on it, that she has completely blocked out the other two times she could have been engaged. Harrison becomes bored with the happy couple and decides to bring Nick out to the hot seat.

You know I love Our Host Chris Harrison, but SWEET LORD MAKE HIM STOP TALKING! Nick was interviewed for the majority of the show. Harrison wanted to know every detail about his pre-existing relationship with Kaitlyn. Nick dances around the questions and tries to pull pity from the audience by embracing his family and weeping baby sister.

To get him back, Harrison invites Gosling to the stage. Neither of the guys look at each other. Harrison pokes each with a stick and becomes very frustrated when one does not challenge the other to a duel right then and there. Gosling announces that he is not a jealous person. Nick announces that he is not a d-bag. Both agree to disagree.

Gosling admits that he was annoyed that the entire season revolved around this rivalry with Nick. He wishes the show had been more about the amazing journey. He knew Kaitlyn had connections with other guys, including his boy Peter Brady.

Gosling: Peter Brady is one of my best friends. I knew he had a connection with Kaitlyn, but I respected him. Especially when he went to take a shower and I got to third base with Kaitlyn.

Harrison sends Goslings back to stew in his mature emotions. He beckons Kaitlyn to the hot seat and forces us to re-live the breakup we just experienced in real-time 20 minutes before. FOR THE LOVE, HARRISON! LAND THE PLANE ALREADY!

Nick straight up asks Kaitlyn why she let him ramble on about their love and perfect future together. Didn’t she know that he wasn’t the one before that moment? Why not cut the cord and let him leave with some dignity in his comfortable shoes and v-neck? Kaitlyn apologizes and begs Chris Harrison to bring her fiancé back out. Since everyone in the world had either turned the channel or gone off to bed, Harrison obliges. Kaitlyn and Gosling reunite on stage, happy and excited to start the ABC-affiliated talk show circuit.

In other news, break out the Germ Squirt people, because Bachelor in Paradise starts THIS SUNDAY! And Monday. For the rest of our lives. Lord help us.

Bachelorette Kaitlyn

Can you handle the tears? Can you handle the rejection? Can you handle the fake relationships?

Please join me. I don’t think I can do it without you!

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A bachelorette poll and a birthday celebration http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/a-bachelorette-poll-and-a-birthday-celebration/ http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/a-bachelorette-poll-and-a-birthday-celebration/#comments Mon, 27 Jul 2015 15:13:49 +0000 http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/?p=7542 iHateGreenBeans | Blog of Lincee Ray
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This looks like a bachelorette who has a very tough decision ahead of her. Should she go for the adventurous life in which her days will be filled with shopping for skinny jeans and rambunctious romps against church archways? Or should she choose a more private life full of row boats, wood shavings in the […]

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Bachelorette Kaitlyn Finale

This looks like a bachelorette who has a very tough decision ahead of her. Should she go for the adventurous life in which her days will be filled with shopping for skinny jeans and rambunctious romps against church archways? Or should she choose a more private life full of row boats, wood shavings in the barn and frequent one-sided conversations about someone’s control issues?

It’s time to vote!

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

Happy bachelorette finale day everyone!

And a great big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Chris Harrison! We are so glad you were born. You will always and forever be our host.

Our Host Chris Harrison from Lincee Ray on Vimeo.

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Slink’s Links http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/slinks-links-46/ http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/slinks-links-46/#comments Fri, 24 Jul 2015 21:19:42 +0000 http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/?p=7534 iHateGreenBeans | Blog of Lincee Ray
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Raise your hand if you’re tired this Friday afternoon? Raise your hand if you’re hot? Raise your hand if you’re tired of being hot? Me too. I feel that those of us living in Houston are reaching “surface of the sun” temperatures. When you walk to the car and a drop of sweat drips down […]

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Lincee Ray | I Hate Green Beans

Raise your hand if you’re tired this Friday afternoon? Raise your hand if you’re hot? Raise your hand if you’re tired of being hot? Me too. I feel that those of us living in Houston are reaching “surface of the sun” temperatures. When you walk to the car and a drop of sweat drips down your back, you know it’s time to embrace the inevitable sweat stains.

On that happy note, here are a few links to help take your mind off of the summer! Enjoy!

Speaking of heat, Lord please bless California with some rain! These pictures are so sad!

Need an excuse to stay indoors? Why not flip through the shows that are leaving Netflix in July? Let the binging begin!

Did you know that The Muppets will be on ABC this fall? I could not be happier. Especially after watching the pitch reel!

My Twitter friend @Mizbiz107 sent me a Tweet about a new Dance TV Network. All dance, all day? Yes please!

Did you miss my piece on the anniversary of Clueless? I’m celebrating by watching Ant Man tonight. Paul Rudd is my jam.

Welcome to Sweden is back! I think I’m the only one watching. And it’s only because I have to. Did I type that out loud?

But I DID cover Big Brother and people have A LOT to say about this show. I bet it stinks in that house.

America’s Got Talent is STILL going on. Here’s your recap. I’ll be covering this show for the rest of my days. Send cookies. And gummy things.

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Making room http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/making-room/ http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/making-room/#comments Thu, 23 Jul 2015 16:12:46 +0000 http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/?p=7526 iHateGreenBeans | Blog of Lincee Ray
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I am not a hoarder. But I do hold on to random little things that may look like junk to the untrained eye. In reality, these little chachkies are actually pieces of my past. Each represent a part of my story that makes up the history of Lincee. What? You don’t have a box of […]

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Room For Rent

I am not a hoarder. But I do hold on to random little things that may look like junk to the untrained eye. In reality, these little chachkies are actually pieces of my past. Each represent a part of my story that makes up the history of Lincee.

What? You don’t have a box of old rose petals stashed away in a box that is clearly labeled “POTPOURRI PROJECT” on the outside? Or dozens of college memories stuffed into a plastic container because your dear friend had an intervention, explaining that you are too old to wear Pi Phi Crush t-shirts from 1998—even when you’re exercising?

Maybe I am a hoarder, but I do have a point.

I was reading about the process of “making room” the other day. The author spoke about a box of old boyfriend memories she had moved from house to house over the years. The lady was married now, and her husband was confused as to why she would want to keep “him” tucked away in a box under the bed.

The answer was simple. “He” represented a part of her that she didn’t want to let go. Yet clearly, it was time. The author explained that this was a hard process. She had never really grieved the ending of this relationship. She took some time to mourn, prayed for the guy and then tossed the contents of the box. And then she basked in the freedom of letting the Lord overflow into the space that was once occupied by an ex-boyfriend.

This notion of making room intrigued me. Particularly during this month.

During the July 4th holiday, I always find myself reflecting on the year. I look back at the beginning of 2015 and assess what all I have accomplished in the first six months. Then I look down the line at the end of 2015 and wonder if there is anything I can do to better serve the Lord. Are there certain “things” I keep hidden away in my heart that need purging? What unnecessary space-fillers have I been schlepping around? Wouldn’t it be better to drag these unknown idols out into the open and deal with them in order to make room for the Living God?

A few years ago, I received a great piece of advice from a pastor. He suggested that I start each day by asking the Lord to transform my heart. Perhaps the reason I feel the exact same way as the day I first made that request is because I haven’t cleaned house yet.

Since you can’t bring in the new without removing the old, I think I just found a new project for the remainder of 2015.

Disclaimer: This does not apply to old Pi Phi shirts. They’re practically vintage now and will probably be worth millions one day. 

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‘The Bachelorette’ Men Tell All recap: Remind me who Corey is again? http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/the-bachelorette-men-tell-all-recap/ http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/the-bachelorette-men-tell-all-recap/#comments Tue, 21 Jul 2015 20:40:04 +0000 http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/?p=7517 iHateGreenBeans | Blog of Lincee Ray
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Everyone knows that The Bachelorette Men Tell All episode is notoriously boring. Quite honestly, ninety percent of the show could easily be watered down into a tidy 20-minute segment. Of course Mike Fleiss would rather saw off an appendage before he let that happen, so it’s up to me to filter through all of the […]

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Bachelorette Kaitlyn

Everyone knows that The Bachelorette Men Tell All episode is notoriously boring. Quite honestly, ninety percent of the show could easily be watered down into a tidy 20-minute segment. Of course Mike Fleiss would rather saw off an appendage before he let that happen, so it’s up to me to filter through all of the trips down Memory Lane and omit the superfluous outbursts from that random guy on the back row.

Because I know that your time is extremely valuable, I have compiled two hours worth of information into a few finite points. Consider this your CliffsNotes version of the episode. Or the LinceeNotes, if you will.

I’m happy to help. Call me if you’re interested in my abbreviated version of Jane Eyre.

Note: It’s going to rock your socks off.

Kentucky Joe fights the unfair stereotypes associated with his beloved state. He will wear shoes, but socks are no longer mandatory. On the other hand, he pees in bushes. The verdict is still out if fried chicken tastes better where he’s from.

Bachelorette Kaitlyn 2

Note:  Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore.
Tanner was the first dude to chastise Ian for calling his fellow bachelors “lame and shallow.” He admits that this gaggle of men are great conversationalists, even if fart jokes are the order of the day. PS: Princeton needs to teach a class on how NOT to be a jack wagon.

Round two of his attack is all about defending Kaitlyn. An apology to the group will certainly fall on deaf ears, but Kaitlyn deserves one for sure.

Tanner: The fact that she doesn’t like you, doesn’t mean you need to act butthurt.

SIDE LINCEE NOTE:
My friends Emily and Ann totally schooled me on this “butthurt” phenomenon that is sweeping the nation. Or perhaps it swept the nation 10 years ago. Urban Dictionary isn’t clear. Whatever. My point is this: Are you using “butthurt” in your everyday vernacular? How have I missed this? Did it come before or after “on point” or “on fleek?” I’m not sure I want to adopt this phrase. Thoughts?

Once Tanner comes up for air, Corey with an E pipes in and everyone watching from home is too embarrassed to ask, “Who is that?” because the dude owns the moment like someone who was one step away from a contractually obligated three-month engagement. Corey agrees with Tanner—Ian’s delivery was bad, but he did have a point when it came to Kaitlyn’s tacky behavior.

From the coveted front row first chair, Peter Brady whips his head around and confronts Corey with the force of a thousand cursed Hawaiian tiki statues. He channels that energy into a simple inquiry:

Peter: How many weeks were you on the show? [Pause for BURN sounds from audience.] I know Kaitlyn best. I enjoyed the woman I got to know. I won’t let anyone bash her.

Lincee: Except for Our Host Chris Harrison who will later read mean Tweets to her face.

Note: Flowers say “I’m sorry.” Chanel says “I’ve learned my lesson.”
Ian diffuses the tension by raising his hand. Once again, the viewing audience is left scratching their heads. Harrison gives Ian permission to speak. Instead of apologizing from his acrylic seat the ABC Intern swiped from the Austin Powers storage unit on the ABC backlot, Ian stands up and removes his jacket. I found it odd that his sleeves were already rolled up, but I decided to just roll with the bizarre moment. Like Harrison, I truly wanted to see what this chach was going to do.

Ian meanders down the bleachers to stand in front of the men. At first I thought he was going to ask Harrison to mediate a town hall meeting, but he dropped to one knee before I could get excited about that idea. As he pours out all of his regret, the ladies in the audience started giggling. When he gets on both knees, I decided it was time to study the backside of my couch cushion. Lord make it stop.

After openly admitting each and every poor choice he made during his exit, JJ stands up and shakes his hand. He is followed by Kentucky Joe and Tanner. I believe in that moment, Tanner was a victim to peer pressure.

Note: Villains gotta vil. Feelers gotta feel.
Clint wants everyone to know that he is a straight man. And that he can grow a beard way better than Jared. Unfortunately, no one cares if Clint is straight or not. They are more concerned about him being a complete d-bag on the show. Corey with an E has very strong feelings about this fact and takes up a good two minutes berating Clint for being the most arrogant man in the house.

Settle down Corey. Can you please give someone else on the back row a chance to contribute? Thank you.

JJ speaks up next. He tells everyone “villains gotta vil” was tongue-in-cheek. He and Clint went “beyond the surface” and weren’t guilty of anything but being intellectually curious with one another.

Clint once again wants everyone to know that he is straight.

Note: Dance like you’re putting on skinny jeans.
Everyone hates Nick. The end.

Note: Stop trying to impress us with your ten dollar words.
While in the hot seat, JJ explains why he slapped himself after Clint left. The answer? Because he deserved it. A chorus of, “AMEN” issues forth from the in-studio audience. Harrison tells JJ that “as strange as it may seem,” Kaitlyn actually liked him to the surprise of everyone involved on the show. Also, his bromance with Clint totally ruined his game.

JJ uses words like “placate” and “denigrate” as Ian nods in Ivy League understanding from the back row. JJ blames his crass behavior on the other guys not understanding his brand of hockey locker room humor. Hopefully, Tanner, Jared, Joe, Joshua (who will be joining him on Bachelor Paradise) will jump on this bandwagon.

Note: Roses are red. Violets are blue. Vodka costs less than dinner for two.
Although Ben Z. can probably get a date with everyone in the studio (including Clint), he still hasn’t cried…even after Kaitlyn dumped him.

OHCH: Inside, I’m crying right now.
Lincee: Aren’t we all?

Note: With a great beard comes great responsibility.
After reading iHateGreenBeans.com, Harrison convinced Jared to shave his patchy beard. Hooray! Fun fact: “Linger” by The Cranberries seems to be following him wherever he goes. Plus, he’s adopted Gosling’s hankering for a nice pair of jaunty socks.

Note: “Let’s do it for Johnny!”
Peter lets everyone in on the infamous night where he took a shower in San Antonio. He said that Kaitlyn ditched her microphone AND the camera crew and was able to sneak into his shared room with Gosling. They talked for hours. As mentioned before, he left to take a shower and when he returned, he was nearly shocked by the electricity in the room. He was an outsider. He’ll always be an outsider.

Note: The judge from Iceland deducts 10 points for transparency.
Kaitlyn enters the room in a costume she borrowed from Michelle Kwan when she won the short program in the 1998 Olympic Games in Nagano.

Note: Haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.
Did we really have to watch Harrison bring Kaitlyn to tears by reading hateful messages from mean people on Twitter? Why is this a thing?

Note: Players gonna play, play, play, play, play.
Jonathan wants to know why Kaitlyn told everyone that she thought her husband was in the room and then immediately invited Nick to be a part of the show. She shuts him down with a single question: Didn’t you vote for Britt? Touché.

And finally, we get an answer to the age old question: “Why do you have tattoos of birds on your arms if you hate them?”

Kaitlyn: I can’t see them!

Jim Halpert

Next week is the The Bachelorette finale. I have no idea which guy Kaitlyn will choose. But what I do know is that Bachelor Paradise is going to be FULL OF TEARS AND DRAMA. It’s also going to be two nights per week.

Heaven give us and Ashley I-Lashes strength.

Bachelorette Kaitlyn

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Lessons Learned from ‘Clueless’ http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/lessons-learned-from-clueless/ http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/lessons-learned-from-clueless/#comments Mon, 20 Jul 2015 20:01:11 +0000 http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/?p=7510 iHateGreenBeans | Blog of Lincee Ray
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It’s hard to believe that 20 years ago, I discovered Clueless. From the moment Cher Horowitz graced the big screen in her plaid outfit, I was mesmerized. This fashionista, and her BFF Dionne, had it all. As a girl from a tiny town East Texas, I soaked up every ounce of this movie like it […]

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Clueless

It’s hard to believe that 20 years ago, I discovered Clueless. From the moment Cher Horowitz graced the big screen in her plaid outfit, I was mesmerized. This fashionista, and her BFF Dionne, had it all. As a girl from a tiny town East Texas, I soaked up every ounce of this movie like it was my own personal glimpse inside a cool person’s world.

Fast forward to my senior year at Baylor University. I remember the day my “Film/Media” professor discussed an assignment that would be a big part of our semester grade. All we had to do was pick out a classic movie and explain how it had woven itself into the tapestry of our culture.

My fellow students began buzzing with calls of “dibs” on famous titles such as The Godfather and The Graduate. I remember two girls fighting over Casablanca. For a hot second I considered Star Wars, Dazed and Confused or Grease.

In the end, I chose Clueless.

It never occurred to me that Clueless couldn’t possibly be considered a masterpiece since it had only been out for three years. All I had to do was look no farther that sorority row to see the film’s effects on my generation’s vernacular and wardrobe choices. I effortlessly wrote my paper explaining how “the kids in America” these days are more independent, tech savvy, and health conscious. Most long for comfortable knee socks and a good pair of purple clogs. I had clear points with numerous examples.

And somehow, I received an “A” on the paper. The professor read it out loud to the class, praising me for my remarkable work!

Okay, so he didn’t really praise me. He sort of chastised me for not following the assignment, but felt important to grade me on my unique perspective. He admitted that Clueless had left its mark on the student body, but he highly doubted it would stand the test of time.

AS IF!

I wish I had a floppy disk drive to recover that paper so I could share it with you right now. I knew it was a classic then. And I still believe it’s a classic now.

Lessons Learned from Clueless


  1.  Helping people is fulfilling work.
  2. Be aware of stumbling into bad lighting while on a date.
  3. Paul Rudd is as timeless as the movie.
  4. Blaming an “evil male” is a great excuse for almost anything.
  5. It does not say RSVP on the Statue of Liberty.
  6. Mexico and El Salvador are two different places.
  7. Hamlet did not say, “To thine own self be true.”
  8. Billie Holiday is a woman.

Clueless Quotes I Still Recite

  1. As if.
  2. Whatever.
  3. I’m keepin’ it real.
  4. I do not wear polyester hair!
  5. I totally paused.
  6. That came out of nowhere.
  7. Project!
  8. He’s kind of a Baldwin.
  9. Do you prefer fashion victim or ensemblely challenged?
  10. They’re way existential.

Were you a huge fan of Clueless? Did you ever play Suck & Blow? Do you catch yourself singing, “rollin’ with the homies?” Do you have a desire to email my old professor with no message other than, “I TOLD YOU SO!” Is that just me?

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Slink’s Links http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/slinks-links-45/ http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/slinks-links-45/#comments Fri, 17 Jul 2015 21:50:53 +0000 http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/?p=7508 iHateGreenBeans | Blog of Lincee Ray
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Happy Friday! Raise your hand if you’re ready for the weekend? ME ME ME! I’m looking forward to celebrating a dear friend at her wedding on Saturday. I’ve already warned her what I’ll do if her deejay plays “Single Ladies.” If that happens—there WILL be a blog post. Enjoy! In hindsight, it’s probably best that […]

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Lincee Ray | I Hate Green Beans

Happy Friday! Raise your hand if you’re ready for the weekend? ME ME ME! I’m looking forward to celebrating a dear friend at her wedding on Saturday. I’ve already warned her what I’ll do if her deejay plays “Single Ladies.” If that happens—there WILL be a blog post. Enjoy!

In hindsight, it’s probably best that I didn’t stumble upon this story several weeks ago. Otherwise, Lindsay would be receiving a dwarf donkey as a wedding present. So. Cute.

Speaking of cute, here’s a post about puppies getting a bath for the first time. Come. On.

This is a sweet story about a mom who captured a special moment. Kindness overflows when you let it!

Center Stage is 15-years-old. It has aged well in my opinion. Even though a ton of girls were on team Cooper Nielson, I was always a fan of Charlie’s. I also wanted my own pair of red toe shoes. That never happened.

If you like America’s Got Talent, feel free to click here to read a recap of this week’s show. We are down to the judges’ cuts people. That means little kids are crying. Doesn’t that sound like fun entertainment?

Happy weekend! See you Monday!

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IHGB Movie Review: ‘Jurassic World’ http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/ihgb-movie-review-jurassic-world/ http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/ihgb-movie-review-jurassic-world/#comments Thu, 16 Jul 2015 23:07:22 +0000 http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/?p=7499 iHateGreenBeans | Blog of Lincee Ray
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Jurassic World 
Rated: PG-13 Starring: Chris Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howard, Nick Robinson and Ty Simpkins The Trailer: The Gist:
 A dinosaur created in a test tube at the Jurassic Park genetics lab is reared and released into it’s own, natural habitat. Unfortunately, this crazy dinosaur doesn’t like to be cooped up behind walls and decides […]

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Jurassic World.Movie Review

Jurassic World

Rated: PG-13
Starring: Chris Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howard, Nick Robinson and Ty Simpkins
The Trailer:

The Gist:

A dinosaur created in a test tube at the Jurassic Park genetics lab is reared and released into it’s own, natural habitat. Unfortunately, this crazy dinosaur doesn’t like to be cooped up behind walls and decides to go on a killing spree. Whoopsie.

My Thoughts:

  • I adore Chris Pratt and would probably follow him to the ends of the earth. Therefore, seeing this movie during opening week was a no brainer for me.
  • With that said, Mr. Pratt does not play the energetic, snarky guy you may be used to watching on the big (and small) screen. He has a few funny moments, but I would describe his character (Owen) as: Someone who is trying really hard not to die.
  • Owen does not disappoint when it comes to heroic rescues and manly escapes. To quote one of the kids in the movie, “Owen is a bad ass.” Kids these days are so smart.
  • Speaking of the kids, I thought brothers Zach and Gray were perfectly cast. They were scared without being whiny or weak. And somehow they grounded the show by reminding each other that what was happening (read: huge dinosaur hunting them down for sport) on any given day is a highly unlikely occurrence, yet here we are.
  • Do you like action? This movie is for you!
  • Do you like blood, guts and crunching bones? This movie is for you!
  • Do you like romance and chemistry that radiates off the screen? This movie is not for you.
  • Bryce Dallas Howard and Chris Pratt have very little chemistry. He’s rugged, dirty and his best friends are a pack of raptors. She’s prim, proper and only interested in how much money the park can make. CLEARLY this should be a romance match made in heaven, but it fell flat. Very flat.
  • Jake Johnson (aka: NICK MILLER) is the comic relief in an old school Jurassic Park t-shirt. And he nails it while sporting a sweet mustache.
  • Owen was never shirtless in the entire movie. This baffles me. When you have Chris Pratt’s abs, shoulders, back and general build, why in the world would you leave all that covered up?

Survey Says

Jurassic World recently reached number five on the all-time worldwide box office list. I think any movie that can surpass a ice-wielding princess and wand carrying wizard deserves the $12 ticket to see Pratt on the big screen.

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‘The Bachelorette’ recap: And then there were two http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/the-bachelorette-recap-episode-9/ http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/the-bachelorette-recap-episode-9/#comments Tue, 14 Jul 2015 21:32:09 +0000 http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/?p=7496 iHateGreenBeans | Blog of Lincee Ray
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It’s been a weird season of The Bachelorette. Suitors are walking out willy nilly, boutonnieres are left to wilt on the Home Depot pedestal, rose ceremonies are never at the end of the show anymore, statement rings are multiplying like Kaitlyn’s tears and I’m pretty sure Ireland is ready for the ABC production team to […]

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Bachelorette Kaitlyn

It’s been a weird season of The Bachelorette. Suitors are walking out willy nilly, boutonnieres are left to wilt on the Home Depot pedestal, rose ceremonies are never at the end of the show anymore, statement rings are multiplying like Kaitlyn’s tears and I’m pretty sure Ireland is ready for the ABC production team to polish off their last Guinness before hopping into a paddy-wagon bound for the airport.

Because the franchise has completely thrown out the rulebook, it shouldn’t surprise me that this episode was just as rogue as the ones before. I found it odd that we sat through two fantasy forgo card dates and two “hometown” dates, yet hardly a thing happened in 120 minutes. On paper, that recipe practically declares the promise of countless juicy moments. In reality, everyone said the same thing twice while looking good in fuzzy sweaters.

With that said, there was the moment when a very fit man with concrete hair went streaking on a golf course because he was dared by a girl who potentially could be his wife.

But before we get to Gosling’s random long underwear, (we’ll put a pin in that for now) ABC forces us to watch an obvious planned fight between our resident streaker and the resident villain. Gosling smiles the entire time he challenges Nick for not being there for the right reasons (right reasons.) B-O-R-I-N-G.

Meanwhile, Peter Brady snuggles into his purple sweater and protects Kaitlyn against feisty horses named Archie and Chip.

Kaitlyn: Can they smell fear?
Lincee: No. Bees and dogs smell fear. And the human head weighs eight pounds.

After a leisurely ride through the emerald green countryside, Kaitlyn and Peter take a moment to feed some donkeys with “sick haircuts” before settling down for a picnic. GERM SQUIRT! CAN I GET SOME GERM SQUIRT OVER HERE?

Kaitlyn adjusts her statement ring as Peter confides in the woman grinning next to him that he is falling in love. She compares the moment to a fairy tale instead of a beloved TV sitcom from the ‘70s. She points behind her, noting that they will be dining and forgoing in the gorgeous castle looming in the background.

Peter switches his purple warm and fuzzy sweater for an oatmeal-colored one that brings out his eyes. He gives a delightfully sweet toast before admitting that he just celebrated a birthday on the show. He’s 26. Had I been a promiscuous teenager, I could have birthed this kid. Word.

He tells Kaitlyn that the idea of her being soooo much older than him (she just turned 30 in real life) shouldn’t be an issue. Quite honestly, I think this may have been one of the nails in Peter’s coffin, because home girl WANTS to be a puma. And she has the glittery eyeshadow to prove it.

For the next 30 minutes, Peter tries to have a serious conversation with Kaitlyn about how much he loves her and wants to be with her. He’s the luckiest guy in the world! The onset of emotions rattles our bachelorette. She shoves her hand behind the couch cushion and presents the fantasy forgo card. Kaitlyn basically asks Peter is he’s okay getting busy in the west tower? He answers Kaitlyn, first by acknowledging that it is completely weird that there are other men involved in this journey, but he neither wants to stop talking to her nor leave her.

Remembering that Kaitlyn thinks he’s too innocent, he adds a “best sleepover ever” for good measure. Someone needs to check is bag for itching powder.

Moments later, we are in the throes of the morning after. Peter bids her adieu. He’s wearing capri running pants. I’ll let it slide this time. She lets the camera know that she only got 30 minutes of sleep, yet in the very next scene, she’s greeting Gosling at his doorway with an invitation to go golfing. Oh! And here’s a bright pink shirt and very loud royal blue pants for the course. Enjoy!

This would have been a lot cuter if Kaitlyn had worn something just as outrageous. It felt like he was the joke. She should have joined him in the frivolity. After a few metaphors that compare golf to love (it’s something you can do until you’re old and grey) Kaitlyn challenges Gosling to a rousing game of Truth or Dare. Being the macho guy he is, Gosling picks dare.

And Kaitlyn makes him streak from here to yonder.

The streaking doesn’t bother me. What I really need to know is why Gosling was wearing long underwear under his pants? My initial reaction was to visit the unmentionables section in the men’s department at Macy’s to see if this is a new thing like boxer briefs were back in the day. Once I noticed that they were shiny, I concluded that they were running tights of some sort. Even with this revelation, the pants are still a mystery. Was he cold? Does he have a circulation problem? Was he trying to avoid panty lines?

Hopefully they will address this on next week’s Men Tell All.

That night, Kaitlyn and Gosling talk about how normal the day had been, you know, streaking through a golf course. For the first time this season, Gosling really looks relaxed. Naturally, Kaitlyn decides to bring up Nick’s transgressions against Gosling—something about an Eskimo and a country star. I don’t want to know.

Gosling is FURIOUS. He tells Kaitllyn that he visited The Other Guy earlier that day and this just proves what a complete and total chach he is in real life. Gosling stands by his evaluation, claiming that if Kaitlyn chooses The Other Guy at the end, they were clearly not meant to be together. He calls Nick a delusional jack wagon. Just as his blood pressure reaches the boiling point, Kaitlyn whips out the forgo card and taunts him with the promise of getting his own Irish stamp in his passport. She puts up the “do not disturb” sign on the door. Seconds later, it’s morning and he leaves.

Lurking behind a building is Nick, watching Gosling like a shark. If you listen closely, you can hear the familiar snapping of former greasers who have rumbled in this exact spot. When you’re a Jet, you’re a jet for life. And Gosling owns this mantra. He tells The Other Guy exactly where he can stick it. They take it inside and we witness another round of right reasons (right reasons) rumble. We were five seconds away from someone pulling out an iconic red leather jacket along with some killer dance moves when Gosling tosses Nick out of his apartment. Stay gold, Ponyboy.

ROSE CEREMONY

Our Host Chris Harrison sits down with Kaitlyn and for the first time in the history of forever, I am distracted, not by Harrison’s piercing blue eyes, but by Kaitlyn’s sternum. As I’ve mentioned before, she does have a habit of wearing dresses which look like she’s prepping for heart surgery, but this one takes the cake. At one point, I was quite confident that the darn thing was on backwards. But then she turned around and I discovered there wasn’t a back. I’d like to shake the man’s hand (clearly not a woman) who designed this business, because it is a remarkable feat of engineering.

Kaitlyn stands before three men with whom she’s falling in love and then apologizes before rushing out of the room. No, her boob did not fall out. She’s having a panic attack.

OHCH: You gotta go back out there. We’re almost done. Suck it up.
Kaitlyn: My heart is literally beating out of my chest.
Lincee: So that’s what’s going on with your dress…

Harrison guides her back into the room and to no one’s surprise, she lets Peter Brady go. He handles himself beautifully. I expect an announcement any day that he is America’s next bachelor. Team Peter.

Kaitlyn basically pats Pete on the head, sheds a few fake tears and then waits outside so the producers can get some creepy, yet entertaining footage of Gosling and Nick refusing to look at one another. Both slam their champagne, fix their pants, mess with their hair and pace. I start snapping but nothing happens. Even Kaitlyn doesn’t ever return which is weird. Unless her boob really did fall out.

“HOMETOWN” DATES
In keeping with season 19 tradition, the hometown dates were not in the bachelor’s hometowns. I’m sure there are several reasons why the producers moved the show from Ireland to the middle of Utah instead of featuring the men in their natural habitats.

1. Nick already had a hometown date last year. There’s nothing left for viewers to see.
2. It’s cheaper to fly everyone to one place instead of traipsing around the country.
3 .The idea of Kaitlyn visiting the place where she could potentially be living should she marry one of these men is overrated. It’s called TRUST. And that’s very important to everyone left in this equation.

Nick is first at bat, and he wastes no time telling Kaitlyn that she is the wind beneath his wings. He admits that with Andi, it felt like a leap of faith, but this time, he feels that what they have is real. I uses the phrase “I love you,” omitting the “falling” part. They share a Mountain Dew and compare statement jewelry before meeting the fam.

Back in the hotel, Nick’s loved ones reminisce about this time last year when he landed in second place of an awful reality show. The sister looks ticked. And when the mom starts crying, the little sister Bella starts crying. This show is evil. And why are they doing The Carlton?

The sister steals Kaitlyn away so she can figure out why her brother is a front runner. Kaitlyn explained that they were quick to bond (I’ll say). Everyone in the family gets a turn to try and hate Kaitlyn. No one does. She even passed the Bella test and made the mom cry again.

Nick sits down with his emotionally drained mother. She gripes at him for doing the show again, sticks it to Andi by telling the viewing audience that she never saw them together last year and then tells him that they will all be there for him again should he land in second place. #family

He tells his mom that he is 99-percent sure that he’s the one, which everyone knows is the kiss of death on this show. He sheds a few tears to prove he isn’t a monster and then admits that she’s worth the heartbreak, should it end badly. You know…that one percent.

Kaitlyn walks Nick to her room. They immediately get horizontal.

Nick: I love you.
Kaitlyn: Promise?
Nick: With all of my heart.

Confession: I’m going to feel a touch sorry for The Other Guy if he loses.
Confession 2: I’ll get over it in a second or two.

The next day, Kaitlyn meets Gosling in the hotel lobby. She’s confident that she’s going to rock this interview because “sisters are her jam.” Gosling introduces Kaitlyn and then makes a bold psychological move:

Gosling: This year, there are only two hometown dates. And from the 25 guys who were invited on the show, I’m the last one standing. And there’s another guy who came late.

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

Kaitlyn woos the sisters. She tells them how to properly spell her name so they can go ahead and order a stocking for the mantel. My favorite part was when the dad literally said, “Son, what the hell is going on?”

Exactly Mr. Gosling. We are all confused. You have to ride this wave until it ends, good sir. Only two more weeks.

Gosling tells Kaitlyn that he’s been in love with her for a while and it just feels right. She leaves his hotel room and trudges to her own. She cries because she has two great guys who are totally different, yet she’s in love with both! What’s a girl with 39 statement rigs and 12 tattoos to do?

In two Monday’s we’ll find out. But first, it’s the Men Tell All.

Can. Not. Wait.

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So there I was: Unable to breathe on Peter Pan http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/peter-pan/ http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/peter-pan/#comments Mon, 13 Jul 2015 19:53:46 +0000 http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/?p=7488 iHateGreenBeans | Blog of Lincee Ray
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I have a confession to make. Before I was a world-famous Jungle Cruise skipper of the world-famous Jungle Cruise, I worked in Fantasy Land. Here’s what you need to know about that situation: I campaigned hard to be transferred to Adventureland, convincing the higher ups that my darling personality and ability to memorize long spiels […]

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Peter Pan

I have a confession to make. Before I was a world-famous Jungle Cruise skipper of the world-famous Jungle Cruise, I worked in Fantasy Land.

Here’s what you need to know about that situation: I campaigned hard to be transferred to Adventureland, convincing the higher ups that my darling personality and ability to memorize long spiels was currently wasted on asking big groups of people, “How many? Row 2. How many? Row 3.” After three weeks, all my dreams came true.

But Fantasy Land holds some of my favorite “guest” memories from my six-month stay at Disney World. For example…

Toddlers can’t help but to be drawn to Fantasy Land’s whimsy like a moth to a flame. On a hot summer’s day in August, I can guarantee there are no less than 150 strollers parked outside of It’s A Small World, as well as 150 babies/crawlers/new walkers crying their brains out because the family pushed them to miss their mid-morning nap.

See? Happy place!

Because Fantasy Land is LOUD, a system was developed to help one cast member catch the attention of another cast member amid the joyful, laughing family who just got to the park and the miserable, wailing family who are on day seven. Calling out someone’s name or whistling morphs into a white noise of tears and giggles. We were taught to hiss at someone if we wanted them to turn around. And I’m here to tell you, dear reader, that this trick works! A slow and steady snake-like hiss can cut through any sound a screaming toddler or ornery kid dressed as Buzz Lightyear can summon.

Let me be clear: it typically doesn’t work if you haven’t trained yourself to listen for a hiss. Interestingly enough, it’s quite easy to be trained. After two or three hisses, it becomes part of your subliminal consciousness. And it’s not just a Disney thing. I taught this trick to the girls on my Rwanda mission trip, and to this day, my friend Ann will whip her head around when I hiss at her in church. She’s a pro.

How’s that for a lead in?

If you’re not familiar with the Peter Pan ride, allow me to educate you. It’s a bunch of boats that slide down a long alleyway. People jump in the boats and then they are whisked away to Neverland. The entire ride, you look down and see the story of Peter Pan unfold. It’s extremely popular.

One particular day, that will live in infamy, I was on wheelchair duty. The wheelchair entrance is on the far left—the beginning of the alleyway. This gives those who need extra help, plenty of time to step onto the moving sidewalk, find their balance and then slide into their boat. For efficient parents who have been maneuvering kids in and out of wheelchairs for years, this does not bother them in the slightest. And for those who haven’t negotiated wheelchairs, there’s still plenty of time to figure it out before the sidewalk turns into the regular boarding. That being said, there’s always that one person who freaks. Do you see where I’m going with this?

When you work the wheelchair line, you have to walk backwards on the moving sidewalk, waiting for guests to arrive. And on this day, I had a family of eight who were accompanying a plump grandma in a wheelchair. I greeted them and asked if they had ever ridden Peter Pan before. All answered in an enthusiastic chorus of, “YES!” It was several generations who clearly had visited the parks on multiple occasions. At this point, it’s my duty to explain E-X-A-C-T-L-Y what will happen with the adult in the wheelchair after I learn that she can walk.

Me: Okay! This is going to be super simple. You’re going to stand up, get your balance and then take two steps toward me on the moving platform. I’ll hold both of your hands. You just stand there and take a moment. Then I will help you in your boat. Easy peasy.

This is typically when the person asks, “Will the boat leave me behind on the sidewalk?”

Me: Excellent question. The answer is no. The boats move the same speed as the sidewalk. So once you step onto the moving sidewalk, wherever you are, there’s a boat right there for you. It won’t leave you.

By this time, the little ones are eager to get on the ride. One of the adults volunteers to go first. She shoves the kids past me and hops on the boat. A few tweens were next. I was left with a man who was clearly Grandma’s son. He helps her stand up and she grabs my hands. I can tell she’s scared. I explain again.

Me: All you have to do is take two steps toward me (I say as I’m still walking backwards on the sidewalk.) One, two and then stop. Got it? Ready?
Grandma: Yes.

[son looks unconvinced]

Me: On three. One, two…
Grandma: NO! I’M NOT READY!

By this time, the tweens are yelling for Grandma to hurry up and get on the stupid ride already because the line for Space Mountain is probably hours long by now. I try again.

Me: On three. One, two…
Grandma: DON’T PULL ME!

I explain to Grandma that I would never pull her onto a moving sidewalk. She was going to step on it herself. At this point The Son is also irritated. He pushes past me and Grandma, figuring he can be more helpful if he’s in the boat to help her in. Now that The Son is no longer behind her, she feels extra pressure to make this happen.

Me: On three. One, two, THREE!

As you may recall from my never-wavering instructions, this was the moment that Grandma was supposed to walk toward me (left foot, right foot) and then stand there. I stop walking backwards, because I’m supposed to let the momentum of the moving sidewalk guide her forward. We are still holding hands, yet Grandma did not take the steps. Therefore, I have inadvertently pulled her onto the moving platform.

She landed on me. This darling, squishy, lovely, rather large Grandma landed on me.

I am now sandwiched between Grandma and the moving sidewalk, making my way down to the general public section. I try not to waste time being frustrated at The Son for chilin’ in the Peter Pan boat without a care in the world. Locating my emergency stop button that is clipped on my hip is a useless endeavor. It’s buried and feeling up Grandma to find it is not an option.

So I do what anyone in my position would do at this point. I decide to hiss with the hope that my general public “How many? Yellow boat. How many? Green boat.” counterpart will see the situation and push her own emergency stop button.

There’s just one problem. When I try to hiss at the girl, Grandma’s weight keeps me from properly performing my nifty trick. She’s constricting my airway. All that comes out is a sputtering “sah, sah, sah, sah” sound that doesn’t do anything but throw Grandma in a panic. She thinks she’s smothering me. That’s when she starts apologizing profusely. Since she’s three inches from my own face, I give her a weak smile.

After a solid 30 seconds of pseudo-hissing, we finally slide up to the regular entrance. My “how many” co-worker still hasn’t noticed me. I shouldn’t be mad. Why would she expect me to come gliding along beside her ankles? A waiting man said something along the lines of, “Does she need help?” before the chick punched her button. Three chivalrous Peter Pan enthusiasts helped pick Grandma off of me. She thanked everyone involved in the rescue, squeezed my cheek and then selected a boat from her many unmoving choices.

Those standing in line applauded me. I bowed and went to lunch.

[PS: That’s me in the Peter Pan ride after hours. Pay no attention to the dorky outfit I had to wear.]

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