iHateGreenBeans | Blog of Lincee Ray http://www.ihategreenbeans.com Fri, 03 Jul 2015 23:00:53 +0000 en-US hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=4.2.2 Slink’s Links http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/slinks-links-43/ http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/slinks-links-43/#comments Fri, 03 Jul 2015 23:00:53 +0000 http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/?p=7460 iHateGreenBeans | Blog of Lincee Ray
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I hope most of you have already started your holiday weekend in the United States. Happy Birthday America! Here’s some links to read while you wait for the fireworks. Channing Tatum dancing in the street? Yes please. Who’s pumped about the new O.C. musical? IT’S REALLY HAPPENING. True confessions: I sort of feel the same […]

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Lincee Ray | I Hate Green Beans

I hope most of you have already started your holiday weekend in the United States. Happy Birthday America! Here’s some links to read while you wait for the fireworks.

Channing Tatum dancing in the street? Yes please.

Who’s pumped about the new O.C. musical? IT’S REALLY HAPPENING. True confessions: I sort of feel the same way about this as I did with the Dirty Dancing musical. But that turned out okay. I have high hopes for Seth and Summer.

Here are 10 quick ways to style your hair—long or short!

Misty Copeland is a new principal dancer at American Ballet Theater. Is it weird that I thought she was already was a principal dancer?

On this week’s episode of America’s Got Talent, we learn that America’s KIDS really have talent!

I also created a poll for the world wide interweb: Who is your favorite Chris Pratt? Do you want to know who I voted for? Here’s a hint:

Chris Pratt

Happy 4th everyone!

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Ain’t going down ’til the sun comes up: Part 1 http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/aint-going-down-til-the-sun-comes-up-part-1/ http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/aint-going-down-til-the-sun-comes-up-part-1/#comments Thu, 02 Jul 2015 16:37:06 +0000 http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/?p=7452 iHateGreenBeans | Blog of Lincee Ray
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In order to fully appreciate my Garth Brooks concert story, you must let me tell you the dramatic events that led to this specific moment. Once upon a time, a young Lincee became obsessed (in a healthy way) with Garth Brooks’ music. It was the year that Seattle grunge became super popular and all her […]

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Garth Brooks

In order to fully appreciate my Garth Brooks concert story, you must let me tell you the dramatic events that led to this specific moment.

Once upon a time, a young Lincee became obsessed (in a healthy way) with Garth Brooks’ music. It was the year that Seattle grunge became super popular and all her favorite hair bands were soon replaced with brooding boys in plaid flannel shirts. When a young man with color block button downs and black Wranglers came onto the country scene, a decision was made. She would no longer flip back and forth from Top 40 Tux 99, KICS 105 Kountry and I K-LUV my oldies. (She wasn’t a weird child. We’ll call her eccentric.) Garth made an impact with “Much Too Young To Feel This Damn Old.”

She was 14. It’s a trying time in a young girl’s life.

After a decade of singing along with Garth on the radio in her car and her room, the decision was made to purchase the box set for the road trip to Florida where she would be working as a world-famous skipper on the world-famous Jungle Cruise at Disney World. Thanks to this wise investment, she discovered lesser-known Garth Brooks gems, such as “Ireland” and “Lonesome Dove.”

In late 1999, Chris Gaines popped up literally out of nowhere, confusing the entire country music industry. It was clear that this was the Y2K scary stuff the government had warned the country about guarding against. In Garth’s absence, Lincee turned to old Mickey Mouse Club favorites: Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears. There were also “which boy band are you?” decisions to be made. With Justin Timberlake leading the helm, she thought anyone with eyeballs and ear drums could see NSYNC was the clear choice. It was also very hard for Chris Gaines to compete with Ricky Martin when he shook his bon-bon.

Fast forward 15 years later. Lincee is a grown woman who is preparing for Houston media members to announce the Garth Brooks concert at any minute. It’s time to load up her phone with only Garth Brooks music.

Alas! Mr. Brooks is not available on iTunes! What will she do?

Why she’ll smile and brag of course! She’ll pull out her Garth Brooks box set from 1998 and tempt her fellow wannabe concert goers with its contents. BUT WAIT! Upon opening the box, Lincee discovers that the cases are there, but the CDs are not. NNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!! THE HORROR!

It’s time to call Linea and make her look in the attic. Lincee’s mother never throws anything away. Hours later, Linea phones back with terrible news. She can’t find the CDs, but she did find the mumu she brought her beloved daughter home in after she was born in 1975.

There’s only one person who can save Lincee now, and that’s her friend Jill. She too was a world-famous skipper on the world-famous Jungle Cruise. The pair roomed together at Disney World. Jill was wise enough to purchase the exact same box set from Sam Goody the day Lincee did. Could it be that Jill would still have the box set after all these years?

[phone rings. Jill answers.]

Jill: hillyhillyhillyhilly
[pay no attention to the strange way in which they communicate]

Lincee:
THERE’S NO TIME FOR CHIT CHAT.
Jill: What?!

Lincee:
DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR GARTH BROOKS BOX SET?
Jill: I’m sure I do somewhere. Why?

Lincee:
I NEED TO PREPARE FOR HIS CONCERT!
Jill: Are tickets on sale?

Lincee: NOT YET! BUT I NEED EVERY SONG HE EVER SANG BEFORE THE CHRIS GAINES DEBACLE!
Jill: I’M ON IT.

Jill puts her newborn baby down on the ground because, safety first, and rushes over to the huge media cabinet where everyone her age keeps their old CDs. She shouts, “Do you need the George Strait one too?” as Lincee develops an ulcer. Finally, Jill screams with jubilant glee.

Jill: I have it! In my hands!
Lincee: Please, please, PLEASE say the CDs are inside the cases.
Jill: Well, the cases are in there. They feel heavy. Let me check.

[pause, pause, pause for dramatic effect]

Jill: YES! They are here! All six!
Lincee: I will babysit your four children for the rest of your life if you let me come get the box set right now.
Jill: Deal.

Lincee scrambled to her car, stopped only for a Dr Pepper from Chick-Fil-A, and drove the 51 miles from her doorstep to Jill’s. When her friend opened the door, Lincee discarded the adorable new born in lieu of cradling the Garth Brooks box set like it was a child of her own. Jill totally understood and shed a tear with her. That’s why they are friends.

In the next installment of “Ain’t Going Down ‘Til the Sun Comes Up,” we’ll discuss how Lincee and Emily nearly had heart attacks finally purchasing the Garth Brooks tickets. Stay tuned!

Garth Brooks

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‘The Bachelorette’ recap: It’s my journey and I’ll cry if I want to http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/the-bachelorette-recap-episode-7/ http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/the-bachelorette-recap-episode-7/#comments Tue, 30 Jun 2015 19:27:03 +0000 http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/?p=7443 iHateGreenBeans | Blog of Lincee Ray
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After the barrage of emotional meltdowns we witnessed starring the entire cast of The Bachelorette, I have little evidence pointing to the season 11 marketing ploy that Kaitlyn was the most fun choice of women vying to find true love. We were promised quirky dates, lots of laughter and crazy adventures. Seven episodes in, we’ve […]

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Kaitlyn Bachelorette

After the barrage of emotional meltdowns we witnessed starring the entire cast of The Bachelorette, I have little evidence pointing to the season 11 marketing ploy that Kaitlyn was the most fun choice of women vying to find true love. We were promised quirky dates, lots of laughter and crazy adventures. Seven episodes in, we’ve enjoyed panic attacks, running mascara and tension one could cut with a knife when Kaitlyn enters a room.

I imagine the sales guys over at Pfizer are frantically calling Fleiss right now, pitching Xanax as the official anti-anxiety medication of each rose ceremony. Maybe the ABC Psychotherapist could crunch some up and sprinkle it into the morning mimosas? Or maybe I should take one myself before watching?

Oh wait. I’m already doing that.

In a nutshell, nerves have officially been exposed and everyone is over-tired. The fact that Kaitlyn did the dirty dirty with Nick does not help her mental state. Let the record show that SHE DOES NOT FEEL GUILTY. She’s just reeeeeeeaaaaaalllllly nervous that people will find out. And by “people” I mean Gosling.

Let me refresh your memory in case you have forgotten where we left off last week. Here’s a quick beta cap from episode 6:

Ian complaining. Ian offending. Kaitlyn “Oh no you didn’t-ing.” Ian leaving. Nick swooping. Nicklyn snogging. Nick one-on-one-ing. Bird freaking. Nick protecting. Cathedral kissing. Lincee head shaking. More church kissing. Arch kissing. Suite inviting. Microphone recording. Couch kissing. Door slamming. Heavy breathing. MICROPHONE RECORDING. Rooster crowing. Nick smiling. Kaitlyn regretting. Balcony Mesnicking. Irish waking. Gosling brooding. Gosling door knocking. Kaitlyn eye widening. Stay tuning.
Kaitlyn is freaked out that Gosling has come to her room to talk. She hands him a beer, but he doesn’t drink. She leans in for a kiss and he stops her short with an abrupt, “Are you in love with me?” She chastises him for putting her on the spot. He responds with a simple, “Yes or no?” She assures him that she is falling in love with him.

Here’s the 4-1-1 based on context clues I was able to pull from Gosling’s mumbling and Kaitlyn’s reaction: Kaitlyn told Gos in San Antonio that he was the one, yet she just gave a rose to Jared at the ceremony. Gosling feels that rose should go to him—since he’s The One. He doesn’t like seeing her going out on dates with other dudes.

Some of you roll your eyes at this entire exchange, irritated that Gosling has yet to grasp the format of this reality show. You wonder why he expects every date rose? She can’t give it to him every single time! Those aren’t the rules!

I understand your concern, dear reader, but may I remind you of two things?

1. There are no rules. Only right reasons (right reasons.)
2. He just got back from losing his best friend in World War II and renovating the Windsor Plantation. Cut the guy some slack!

Kaitlyn boxes tonsils with Gosling to make him feel better and to keep him from saying anything he’d regret, like “I can’t do this anymore.”

TWO-ON-ONE DATE
JJ
Kentucky Joe

Ah yes! We never went on this date last week. It’s too bad that Kaitlyn is super distracted the entire time, wondering if Nick is going to spill the beans about their tryst. And if he does, will Gosling leave? Oh look! A boat!

After a quick Irish joy ride, the trio disembarks the boat and settle in at their picnic spot. JJ makes the most of this awkward moment by telling Kaitlyn, in front of Kentucky Joe, that he’s falling for her. Kaitlyn’s reaction to this news was non-existent. It’s not that she was trying to refrain from leading him on, per se. I believe she was mentally creating a pro/con list of husbandly traits, comparing Nick and Gosling. She simply didn’t hear him.

Kentucky Joe takes the proverbial bull by the horns and leads Kaitlyn away to remind her that their chemistry is undeniable. He tells her that she is one in a million, just like her statement rings. He’s falling in love. And to prove it, he makes out with her.

Later, JJ tells the camera that it’s time from him to confess something to Kaitlyn. Their future relationship must be built on rock—not sand. He sits her down, looks in her eyes and shares that he cheated on his wife three years ago and lost everything as a result. Kaitlyn checks her watch, noticing that it’s just about time for the boat to come back and pick her up. She graciously thanks JJ for being so honest before admitting that cheating is her biggest fear in a relationship. Unless you’re dating eight other guys at the same time. Then it’s totally okay.

She releases JJ, encouraging him to spend time with his daughter. Instead, he signs up for Bachelor Paradise. Raise your hand if you didn’t see that coming.

Although Kaitlyn invites Kentucky Joe to join her on the boat ride back to Dublin as JJ watches from his rejection spot, she does NOT give him the date rose. She needs more time. Like an hour or so. She just wants to make sure the chemistry is really there. I was anxious for a minute that she was going to make the ABC Intern secure a cathedral. Luckily, she was able to find chemistry on a normal couch. He’s technique was rewarded with a boutonniere.

Kentucky Joe is escorted to the communal area where all the guys have gathered together to hear about the details of his date. No one seems to know or care that JJ is gone. Kentucky Joe uses the words “romantic” and “alone” when giving a play-by-play. This sends Gosling over the edge and the entire viewing audience experiences a moment of Groundhog Day when he begins to fidget, waiting for the elevator to take him to Kaitlyn’s room.

Here we go again.

Producers inform Kaitlyn that Gosling is coming back and he is not happy. Kaitlyn begins ugly crying because she is FOR SURE that Gosling knows she and Nick re-enacted the lyrics to a popular Marvin Gaye song.

Kaitlyn invites Gosling in to sit with her on the couch with the purple blanket. They talk about their feelings, yet never really say anything. Gosling basically tells her again that he wishes she had never told him he was the one. Kaitlyn jumps in his lap, grateful that he isn’t leaving due to the fact that she and Nick knocked statement rings. She quickly switches from tears to paranoia, wondering out loud if she reassured Gosling too much. She takes full blame for his anxiety and promises him that she will pay equal attention to all the guys from now on. Then she lectures Gosling, reminding him that this is how the game is played.

Clearly, this does not assuage Gosling’s fears. He starts rambling. He wants Kaitlyn to know that she is worth the pain.

Kaitlyn: This is just weeks in our forever. But when stuff like this happens, it makes me question us.
Gosling: I want you more than anything! If you’re a bird, I’m a bird!
Kaitlyn: YOU DON’T KNOW ME AT ALL!

ROSE CEREMONY
Kaitlyn walks into the rose ceremony. Her Morticia dress matches her somber mood. She tells the guys that the week has been emotional. She’s confused, she’s worried about mistakes she’s made but her heart is still open. Upon hearing the word “mistake,” the other dudes become as worrisome as Gosling.

Ben takes her outside to toast Ireland and make out, while the others try to figure out the “mistake” enigma. Nick is hopeful that it’s not him. Gosling is certain he’s the culprit. Of all the opportunities to wear whimsical statement socks, this was not the day.

Peter Brady takes Kaitlyn into a hidden study. He immediately puts on a stern face. Once again, Kaitlyn is forced to have serious talk about life, love and other mysteries. Peter is upset because he and Kaitlyn had a really great date in San Antonio. That night, she snuck off-camera to hang with Peter and Gosling. For some odd reason, Peter decided to go upstairs to take a shower. When he came back, Gosling was happier. Something happened. Peter gently requests Kaitlyn not to tell him, but he does want her to know that he’s aware that Gosling received some sort of perk. Is he just spinning his wheels?

This is really hard for Peter to admit. Everyone knows that middle children need validation. Kaitlyn gives it to him, promising that they are gonna keep on, keep on, keep on, keep on dating all through the night.

This is a friendly disclaimer, reminding you that we are STILL IN THE ROSE CEREMONY. We must press on.

Bachelorette KaitlynNext up is Nick. Kaitlyn is stone-faced. She basically asks him if he has been “respectful” when it comes to their date in Dublin. That’s code for “have you kept my secret?” Nick immediately responds that he has said nothing about the coitus. Kaitlyn thanks him, offering that if anyone found out, it could ruin relationships with other guys.

Now it’s Nick’s turn to pause. He receives this information as a threat. Is he just supposed to not talk about their time together even though that’s scheduled into every day between morning brunch and sitting around time? Kaitlyn informs him that he can talk about the date—not the romance.

Nick begins to rock back and forth. XANAX PLEASE!! HE’S GOING TO BLOW!

Nick: Who said I was talking? Who told you that I talk about what we do? I never say it was passionate.
Lincee: That’s a lie.
Nick: I’ve never said it was intimate.
Lincee: PLAYBACK! CAN I GET SOME PLAYBACK FROM LAST WEEK PLEASE?

Kaitlyn is not amused. Nick begins to hyperventilate, remembering how overconfident he was with What’s Her Name from his season. He turns on the waterworks. And he turns them on big time. This softens Kaitlyn’s stern exterior. She makes out with him because she was drawn to his emotional side. I wonder how hard Nick had to bite the inside of his cheek to produce that many tears?

Gosling rushes up to Kaitlyn for his alone time. He’s so concerned about their relationship that he forgot to get mad at the person who dressed him in a shiny royal blue tuxedo from 1989. He apologizes for making life harder on her. She apologizes for coming to see him that night. She’s considering that moment the catalyst of when her entire journey started falling apart. If she hadn’t told Gosling he was the one, she would have never churned butter with Nick.

Yeah. That’s it.

It was a bump in the road. So was Our Host Chris Harrison’s blood clot tie, but that’s neither here nor there. It’s time to hand out roses. Along with Nick, Jared and Kentucky Joe, boutonnieres go to Peter, The Dentist Cupcake and Gosling. Ben and Tanner are sent home. Tanner will be joining JJ in Paradise. Ben will go home and find a nice girl at the CrossFit gym. I’m SO GLAD he didn’t cry for the first time since his mom’s passing on The Bachelorette. And I’m SO GLAD he didn’t give in just to help make dramatic television.

Back in Kaitlyn’s room, she tells the camera that she’s “worried that mistakes could ruin her forever happiness.” Interesting. Is boom-boom with Nick the mistake? Or is Gosling finding out about it the mistake? Or is telling Gosling “he’s the one” the mistake? Or are they all incorporated on the list because her mistake is plural in the quote?

There’s not time to figure that out. We’re taking this journey to the other side of Ireland! Everyone load up in the Paddywagon bus! Everyone except Jared. He’s the lucky guy who gets to road trip with Kaitlyn, fearing for his life that they make it to their destination in one piece, stopping only to take selfies with an old school camera. How quaint!

Cut to Gosling sleeping on the Paddywagon. The poor guy was sawing logs while sitting straight up. This is just additional proof that he is over-tired. Night night Gosling.

Back on the road, Kaitlyn and Jared kiss the Blarney Stone and then kiss each other. With all the making out that’s going on this season, I have five bucks that they all get the runs in 48 hours.

Kaitlyn and Jared arrive at “her” legit castle just in time for evening cocktails. They make out on the bed (that’s their thing) and then Jared leaves for the night. Kaitlyn tells the camera that she is really happy and then someone knocks on the door. Her eye roll was FABULOUS. At this point, you can tell she thinks life will be a lot less hectic if she tells Gosling that she did the hokey-pokey with Nick.

Surprise! It’s Harrison! It’s time to shake things up. Harrison tells Kaitlyn that he thinks she’s not ready to visit home towns. Then he asks her if she thinks she’s ready. She cautiously shakes her head no. She confesses to Harrison that she messed things up and is disappointed in herself. She regrets going back to her hotel with Nick.

OHCH: That’s good. We all screw up. Where you go from here is a sign of your character.

Kaitlyn stares blankly back at her mentor, unsure of exactly where Harrison is going with this scenario. Her eyes widen when Harrison says that the show runners think she needs “off camera” time with all of the men in order to make the playing field even. They feel that all the relationships need to get up to speed. Kaitlyn begins bouncing in her chair. Now EVERYONE will get “off camera” time and she won’t have to worry about anyone finding out that she boffed Nick. Everyone gets a boink! Hooray!

But there’s a catch. She has to narrow it down to three guys at the next rose ceremony. Then she will have fantasy forgo card dates with each of them before sending one packing. Kaitlyn will only meet the families of two bachelors. Do we have a deal?

Kailtyn agrees that this is the best course of action for her personal journey.

The next morning, Harrison has the same conversation with the guys. I’m not sure what he said because the Irish sun was hitting him directly in his aquamarines and I got lost. In his eyes. And I felt my spirit rise. And soar like the wind.

Bachelorette KaitlynCupcake Chris the Dentist get the one-on-one. Obviously, we know that this means he’s about to get dumped. They take a helicopter to the Cliffs of Moher. Kaitlyn’s face says it all. They barely sit down for a celebratory drink before she starts bawling. She blames stress, which Cupcake wants to believe. But when she resorts to crying in her infinity scarf, he knows the end is near. He chooses to combat this fear by invading her personal space.

Kaitlyn: You’re everything on my checklist!
Cup: If this is our last chance, tell me more.
Lincee: I don’t get that, but keep going.

Kaitllyn: Something is wrong with me!
Lincee: She said it…
Cup: You’re just scared.

Kaitlyn hugs him goodbye and walks to her waiting helicopter. Cupcake is forced to watch her fly off into her dream future with her dream man while he ponders on the side of a cliff. I’m thankful that the lady with the furry coat was there to grab him in case things got dramatic. Fortunately, Cupcake sits down on a bed four-leaf clovers to have a good cry. A good, long cry. A very long, good, gut-wrenching cry. It was the emotion of a Mesnick without the balcony. I’m going with Irish Mesnick. Or Cliff Mesnick? We’ll have to put it to a vote.

Cupcake is taken back to town, where he sits on a porch all day long, drowning his tears in Guinness. By the way, what do you call a guy who sits on a porch all day long in Ireland?

Patty O’Furniture.

I’m here all week folks.

[Thank you to Bryan Engle for providing the Patty O’Furniture joke. Your humor is a gift to my readers.]

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Soundtrack of my life: FREEDOM! http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/soundtrack-of-my-life-freedom/ http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/soundtrack-of-my-life-freedom/#comments Mon, 29 Jun 2015 21:06:35 +0000 http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/?p=7431 iHateGreenBeans | Blog of Lincee Ray
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This is my fourth “soundtrack of my life” post and I’m pretty excited about it because I love America. To properly celebrate Independence Day here in the United States, I’ve created a stellar playlist for your backyard BBQ pool party cul-de-sac firework extravaganza. The list begins with MUST HAVES followed by a handy Spotify playlist. […]

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fireworks

This is my fourth “soundtrack of my life” post and I’m pretty excited about it because I love America. To properly celebrate Independence Day here in the United States, I’ve created a stellar playlist for your backyard BBQ pool party cul-de-sac firework extravaganza.

The list begins with MUST HAVES followed by a handy Spotify playlist. Enjoy!

Neil Diamond

“America” by Neil Diamond
This is a no-brainer people. I believe every party should start with this anthem.

Lee Greenwood

“God Bless the USA” by Lee Greenwood
Again, this is a staple in the all-American songbook. Sing it loud. Sing it proud.

Party in the USA

“Party in the U.S.A.” by Miley Cyrus
When this song comes on, it’s next to impossible to refrain from nodding your head like yeah or moving your hips like yeah.

Lady A

“American Honey” by Lady Antebellum
It’s may be mellow, but it screams AMERICA and Lincee’s childhood. It speaks to me!

Zac Brown Band

“Free” by Zac Brown Band
This is by far my favorite Zac Brown Band song. It was the highest ranking (according to plays) on my patriotic playlist. That number was 75. In conclusion, I heart it as much as America.

Elvis

“American Trilogy” by Elvis Presley
Mama introduced this song to me. I’ve loved it since I was a girl. You can hear his passion. Plus, the man can belt out a song.

Whitney Houston

“Star Spangled Banner” by Whitney Houston
End the night with this one. It’s amazing.

I hope you enjoy this playlist! Instead of judging me on the Disney song “Golden Dream,” I would prefer for you to be moved to tears!

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Slink’s Links http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/slinks-links-42/ http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/slinks-links-42/#comments Fri, 26 Jun 2015 17:21:49 +0000 http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/?p=7423 iHateGreenBeans | Blog of Lincee Ray
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We made it to the weekend everyone! Rejoice in this exciting news. Now all I have to do is make sure I don’t fall asleep at the Garth Brooks concert tonight since he goes on stage at 10:30 p.m. It’s darling that GB thinks I’m as young as I once was when I completely fell […]

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Lincee Ray | I Hate Green Beans
We made it to the weekend everyone! Rejoice in this exciting news. Now all I have to do is make sure I don’t fall asleep at the Garth Brooks concert tonight since he goes on stage at 10:30 p.m. It’s darling that GB thinks I’m as young as I once was when I completely fell for his color block shirts, black Wranglers and song lyrics. Rest assured, there will be a post about the experience.

In the meantime, enjoy these links and have a happy weekend!

It’s summertime, which means watermelon becomes a staple item in my Mama’s fridge. I sent her THIS LINK so she could dress up her favorite fruit for the upcoming 4th of July Ray Family Reunion.

Here’s a story revealing what Victoria Secret swimsuits look like on real women. Kudos to these ladies for taking on the challenge. I would have DIED.

You’ve probably seen this already, but I couldn’t resist. Jimmy Fallon and Channing Tatum at their finest.

There’s also THIS. It’s an entire post of Ryan Gosling looking hot. That’s it’s entire purpose.

Here’s the link to my America’s Got Talent recap this week. You HAVE to watch the girl who sings opera. In Italian. She’s 11.

And this is a piece I wrote preparing all the Suits fans out there for the debut of season 5.

Have a great weekend!

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‘The Bachelorette’ recap: Down and dirty in Dublin http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/the-bachelorette-kaitlyn-week-6/ http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/the-bachelorette-kaitlyn-week-6/#comments Tue, 23 Jun 2015 14:56:07 +0000 http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/?p=7419 iHateGreenBeans | Blog of Lincee Ray
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Since episode six was The Bachelorette episode that ABC teased since day one, the producers decided to grace us with 90 minutes of Nick groping Kaitlyn in pubs and cathedrals. We also had the audible pleasure of hearing Nick rounding second base before sliding into third. The statement rings were as prevalent as the hard […]

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Bachelorette Kaitlyn

Since episode six was The Bachelorette episode that ABC teased since day one, the producers decided to grace us with 90 minutes of Nick groping Kaitlyn in pubs and cathedrals. We also had the audible pleasure of hearing Nick rounding second base before sliding into third. The statement rings were as prevalent as the hard surfaces Nick pushed Kaitlyn up against for a little PDA.

Guys walking off the set in a huff is soooooo yesterday. We’ve been there and done that. In order to keep viewers on our toes, ABC skips the two-on-one date entirely in lieu of airing footage of Gosling melting down to his handler. Sadly, there aren’t any row boats in Ireland for him to work out his aggression. What Ireland does have is Guinness. Lots and lots of Guinness.

But before I take you through the intimate details of Nick and Kaitlyn’s “Cinemax After Dark” date, I have to tell you about that pesky rose ceremony that keeps getting in the way of Kaitlyn’s fun.

First of all, Ian has left the building. In case you forgot, he thinks she’s a shallow bimbo who can’t scratch beyond surface-level conversation topics. She laughs way too much for his taste. He wants to be the next bachelor and he thinks women will be beating down the mansion door, begging to go out with someone with his intellectual depth. And in case you didn’t know, the dude went to Princeton. Kaitlyn feels super insulted. It was that moment I shouted at the TV, “Cue Nick and his bow tie.”
While all the other guys wave at Ian’s rejection SUV and hope that Kaitlyn is okay after yet another contestant chooses to kick himself off the island, Nick is the one who actually seeks her out to offer a comforting shoulder to pucker her lips against. Nick uses Kaitlyn’s buzz words, like “honesty” and “truthful” and “you’re hot” in all the right places. For a moment, I thought he was going to give her one of his many, many friendship bracelets, but he opted to first bite her finger (?) and then stick his tongue down her throat. Naturally, this is the exact moment when Gosling walks around the corner.

Later, Our Host Chris Harrison arrives in a plum-colored suit with a complimenting pink shirt. It sounds like something Duckie would wear in Pretty In Pink. Trust me when I say Harrison totally pulled it off. He escorts the guys to the Alamo. I’m not thrilled that roses are handed out on such sacred ground. This is essentially a gravesite after all. I choose to put my feelings aside and drink the Kool-Aid.

Peter, Gosling and Nick already have roses. The remaining boutonnieres go to Jared, Cupcake the Dentist, JJ, Kentucky Joe, Ben and Tanner. Justin and Joshua are out. Joshua cries during his exit interview. I’m unsure if the tears were a result of hearing the others cheer when Harrison tells the group they are going to Ireland, or if he still feels ramifications from his unfortunate hair cutting incident. I will miss Joshua.

FIRST ONE-ON-ONE
You’ve probably guessed by now that Ireland is the perfect place to fall in love. Kaitlyn wastes no time. She grabs Nick (to the chagrin of everyone else) and instructs him to put on the tightest pair of skinny jeans imaginable. He chooses his emerald pair of course. Kaitlyn quickly rushes him through the “markers” of a good relationship as they wander the streets of Dublin. (You may not know what I’m talking about because I’m totally making this up. Allow me to explain.)

They experience something new together: Nick manages to pull his hands away from touching Kaitlyn’s bare back through her holey sweater for a quick lesson in river dancing. Kaitlyn adores his silliness.

He protects her as she faces a fear: Nick offers a confident arm (or back) as he guides Kaitlyn through a flock of agitated pigeons. Her ornithophobia is on full display. Nick is so strong, he fends off not one, but two birds from pecking Kaitlyn’s eyeballs out. Kaitlyn’s heart flutters as she admires her hero.

A token of love is purchased: Nick buys Kaitlyn another statement ring. She removes the ginormous one she’s wearing in order to place the new statement ring on her wedding finger. Kaitlyn begins planning the ceremony in her head. Her colors will be short, holey and tight. With sparkles.

Since Nick has been reading my recaps for years, he decides to pull an Arie. He grabs Kaitlyn and shoves her against a wall for a quick make out sesh. I give it a solid B. Let’s revisit previous game day footage to see how it’s done, shall we?

The public display of affection is continued over at the local pub. Nick manages to grab Kaitlyn’s waist and butt with one hand, while holding her other hand. He whispers sweet nothings into her ear between kissing and shooting Irish whiskey. A few hours later, they stumble into a cathedral for dinner. Kaitlyn admits that she worries about Nick because she knows the others don’t like him. He tells her to forget about it and pours her another whiskey.

Moments later, Nick leans over, straining for an obstructed view of a statue of Mary so she won’t see or hear that he’s “feeling” for Kaitlyn right now. Kaitlyn plucks a rose from one of the flower arrangements from a wedding earlier that day and hastily pins it to Nick’s blazer. They stumble back outside of the church for a proper make out session up against the church archway. Once he effortlessly lifts her into a straddle position, traditionally earmarked for “jump and straddle” hometown greetings, Kaitlyn invites him to join her in her suite.

Well played whiskey. Well played.

The scene conveniently toggles between Nick and Kaitlyn slowly sliding to a horizontal position on her couch, over to Jared and Gosling wishing and hoping that Nick and Kaitlyn’s date is a total disaster. At the exact time Jared yearns for Kaitlyn to have a bad time on her date, Nick is in the process of digging for her pot of gold.

Kaitlyn takes Nick into her bedroom where cameras are CLEARLY not allowed. Fortunately the ABC Intern scored some extendable ears in Diagon Alley. We may not be able to see anything, but we can certainly hear everything. I didn’t need the throwaway b-roll shots of random birds and bees to assume what went on in Kaitlyn’s suite last night. She needs a modified version of the “Kiss Me I’m Irish” whimsical button.

Kaitlyn naturally feels concerned the next morning. She’s worried that Nick is going to “Kiss Me I’m Irish” and tell. She pulls an anxious Mesnick against the balcony, fearful of what Nick might say to the others.

Naturally, Nick is a man of mystery. He shares very vague details with Kentucky Joe and JJ. He mentions whiskey, the fear of bursting into flames in a cathedral, whiskey, a walk in the park and whiskey. He also throws in that they went back to Kaitlyn’s suite. Kentucky Joe casually responds with a “meh” shrug of the shoulders. Big whoop. Gosling did that too.

Did he now.

The group date guys all march in as Nick’s blood begins to boil. This time, he tells his tale, hinting of tail. He uses the words “intimate” and “romantic” and “personal” and “everything felt comfortable.”

For those of you in the splash zone, watch out. The vein in Gosling’s forehead is about to pop!

GROUP DATE
Tanner
Ben
Gosling
Jared
Peter
Cupcake

All the guys dress in their Sunday best. They meet a somber Harrison who shares some bad news—Kaitlyn is dead. For today.

I’m quite certain that Mike Fleiss offered Harrison an extra 10K and a weekend with the company jet to say that cheesy line with a straight face. Bonus points go to Cupcake for having the best reaction: “If she had just flossed more. It’s too late now.”

Harrison leads them inside a building where we find Kaitlyn in a coffin, gripping a flask. She immediately begins giggling. Harrison calls her the “worst dead person ever.” She smooths things over by offering him a swig of her whiskey. He accepts.

WHAT AM I WATCHING?!

Our Host tells the guys that they are participating in a traditional Irish wake. They have to eulogize Kaitlyn. It can be funny or poignant, as long as it’s about her.

Tanner kicks us off by asking Kaitlyn to pencil him in for a date in her planner. And if she has forgotten, his name is Tanner. (Brilliant.) Jared tries to be romantic, reminding her of “what he said the other night” before kissing her in the coffin. (Meh.) Cupcake sings a rendition of “Danny Boy,” changing the lyrics to match his journey. (E for effort.) Peter talks about birds pecking Kaitlyn to death. (Not the wisest of moves.) Gosling elicits a chorus of “Duuuuuuuuuuuude” when he lands this gem, “It’s devastating that you took your own life. I would have done the same thing if I had to spend the day with Nick yesterday.”

Six glasses of Guinness toast that memorable moment, right over the coffin.

Ben is last at bat. He asks the other guys to leave the room. Obviously, this is an emotional day for him, due to the recent passing of his mother. He somehow gets through the eulogy without crying. I assume the tears will eventually come at his rejection. Either way, Kaitlyn appreciate the fact that he took the wake seriously. The boys return with two old guys carrying a guitar and banjo. They drink, sing and drink some more. Unclear eyes, full bladders, can’t lose. Guinness forever.

Jared scores some alone time at the party. He tells her she is a beautiful corpse and compliments her manly laugh. She LOVES it and tells the camera that she’s super comfortable with Jared, even though his “beard” is patchy at best.

Gosling shares a few pictures of his family with Kaitlyn during his alone time. He is excited to be in Ireland because his family is Irish. So that “Kiss Me I’m Irish” button is legit in this case. Kaitlyn says that she feels like she’s supposed to be Irish. Gosling offers to “fix that” for her. Then he totally jinxes the moment by announcing to the camera that the date rose is his.

When Kaitlyn hands the rose to Jared, Gosling flips. Jared and Kaitlyn leave the Guinness Storehouse and head over to yet another cathedral. Only this time, The Cranberries were there to serenade. I assume Bono was unavailable.

Ironically, Jared takes the lyrics of the song quite literally and “lingers” for the entire number, swaying back and forth with Kaitlyn. Perhaps he wanted to respect the sacred ground by refraining from “Kiss Me I’m Kinda Irish?”

Meanwhile, Gosling finds his handler, confessing that he doesn’t want to play the game anymore. He knows fantasy suites are coming up and the idea of someone kissing Kaitlyn because she’s nowhere near Irish bothers him. He even threatens to cry.

The ABC Intern frantically tries to arrange for Jared and Kaitlyn to ride a Ferris wheel so Gosling can scale it and profess his love, but they don’t have those in Ireland. Curses! Instead, he points Gosling in the direction of Kaitlyn’s hotel room. They settle in on the exact same couch where Nick was digging for gold. Gosling looks deeply into Kaitlyn’s eyes as she utters, “You’re freaking me out.”

Fade to black.

What did you think about the episode? Is it weird that so many dudes cry next week? Do you think it’s an emotional outburst after Kaitlyn’s confession? Does Britt’s mom think Brady is just a friend? And do we care if she does?

Sound off in the comments section!

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Happy Father’s Day Daddy http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/happy-fathers-day-daddy/ http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/happy-fathers-day-daddy/#comments Mon, 22 Jun 2015 05:34:15 +0000 http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/?p=7414 iHateGreenBeans | Blog of Lincee Ray
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In honor of Father’s Day, here’s an oldie but goodie from a few years ago. Enjoy! Did I ever tell you about the time when I was taken to the men’s restroom at El Chcio’s because a waiter thought I was a little boy? Not one of my finer moments. If memory serves me correctly, […]

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In honor of Father’s Day, here’s an oldie but goodie from a few years ago. Enjoy!

Did I ever tell you about the time when I was taken to the men’s restroom at El Chcio’s because a waiter thought I was a little boy?

Not one of my finer moments.

If memory serves me correctly, I was around six-years-old rocking a fresh Dorthy Hammil haircut. I’m sure my parents were trying to implore some sort of independent will in their young first grader by suggesting I approach said waiter to direct me to the nearest water closet. I knew something was up when I saw the urinals on the wall. I used the facility, washed my hands, politely nodded to the baffled man entering upon my exit and returned to my nachos.

Lincee Dorothy Hair
Exhibit A: Remove the Strawberry Shortcake doll and Smurf pajamas, and you are left with Nicholas from Eight is Enough:

adam-rich-GC

I don’t blame El Chico Waiter at all for thinking I was a boy. It is quite obvious I am my father’s child. Locals and relatives used to call me Little Johnny.

When my boss first met my Daddy in person, he said, “It’s as if someone peeled off Johnny Ray’s face and put it on yours. You look exactly alike.”

To which I replied, “I understand. He’s one good looking human being.”

photo(10)

This is typical Johnny Ray.
Strong. Wise. Reflective. Respected.

To this day, the boys within two years of my high school graduating class still find him extremely intimidating.

photo(9)

[Aside: Johnny Ray also has a rattle snake band on his cowboy hat. John Wayne would be proud.]

photo(8)

He’s also the man who taught me about the importance of a life filled with hard work, integrity and a good pair of aviator sunglasses.

I’m glad that we share a face and would proudly agree to be his son for any and all the El Chico waiters in the world.

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Slink’s Links http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/slinks-links-41/ http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/slinks-links-41/#comments Sun, 21 Jun 2015 01:32:51 +0000 http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/?p=7411 iHateGreenBeans | Blog of Lincee Ray
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A big HAPPY FATHER’S DAY to all the dads out there. I hope you get everything you wanted for your grill, your boat or your garage. You deserve it! You also deserve some fun links…from me to you. Enjoy! Do you procrastinate? ME TOO! Did you ever want to flip through a gallery of celebrities […]

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Lincee Ray | I Hate Green Beans

A big HAPPY FATHER’S DAY to all the dads out there. I hope you get everything you wanted for your grill, your boat or your garage. You deserve it! You also deserve some fun links…from me to you. Enjoy!

Do you procrastinate? ME TOO!

Did you ever want to flip through a gallery of celebrities who are taking the mandatory “before we leave for prom” pictures? Well wish no more. Here you go.

Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling in a musical together? There are so many wonderful things about that sentence.

And here’s what another Ryan has to say about Father’s Day.

I’d love for you to read my America’s Got Talent recap for week 4. It was extreme week. Naturally, I worked Vanilla Ice into the title.

And here’s a piece I did on The Astronaut Wives Club to help us keep them all straight.

I love So You Think You Can Dance. I wrote a piece about how Travis Wall’s choreography forces me to buy music each season. The songs are here and videos are included!

Finally, I contributed to a Father’s Day piece about TV dads. I chose Murray Goldberg and Adam himself AND his mom Tweeted me! They thanked me for including “Mur-Man” on the list. That alone makes me love the show so much more than I already do!

Have a great week everyone!

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Do not fret http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/do-not-fret/ http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/do-not-fret/#comments Thu, 18 Jun 2015 20:54:16 +0000 http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/?p=7404 iHateGreenBeans | Blog of Lincee Ray
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In light of recent events in Charleston, I didn’t feel like posting a funny entry. Then I looked at my monthly schedule and saw that I had already written today’s post. I humbly thanked the Lord, knowing the He had planned this entry long before last night’s tragic act. I hope it makes you stop […]

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Psalm

In light of recent events in Charleston, I didn’t feel like posting a funny entry. Then I looked at my monthly schedule and saw that I had already written today’s post. I humbly thanked the Lord, knowing the He had planned this entry long before last night’s tragic act. I hope it makes you stop and think.

A few weeks ago, I was extremely irritated with someone. Let the record show that I had every right to feel discarded and disrespected. That gross feeling of “SERIOUSLY RUDE PERSON?” consumed me.

The anxiousness continued to grow as the days passed. I’m pretty much the opposite of confrontational. You can imagine the delightful ulcer I developed, wondering when this feeling was going to go away.

My Bible study proved to be a gift from the good Lord one Wednesday. It was like a soothing coat of Pepto-Bismol going down. (Run with me on this analogy, okay?) The task was simple: Choose a Psalm and write down all of the commands or action words.

I chose Psalm 37. These are just a handful of the commands I read:

Do not fret
Trust in the Lord
Delight yourself in the Lord
Do good
Be still
Wait patiently
Do not fret
Refrain from anger
Hope in the Lord
Turn from evil
Speak what is just
Wait for the Lord
DO NOT FRET

A 40-verse Psalm contains 24 commands, three of which are “do not fret.”

I stared at that phrase, among the other noble commands, and realized that I was fretting. I was reading God’s Word. I was reading truth. Right there in black and white, verses one, seven and eight instructed me not to fret. Three times in one chapter. SO WHY AM I FRETTING SO MUCH?!

I decided to cease and desist from unnecessary fretting. I swallowed my pride, summoned some courage and I called the person so we could get everything out in the open. And it was a glorious exercise. At least it was for me. I’m pretty sure the other person had no idea he had inadvertently burned a hole in the lining of my stomach.

Wisdom is a powerful tool. How many people do you think would choose different paths if they had the knowledge and strength to “trust in the Lord” and “wait patiently” and “turn from evil?” How many people are ever exposed to these Biblical truths? And if they have heard of Jesus, do they believe that He can rescue them from dire situations?

That’s where we come in.

I want to be a light that shines in the darkness. I want to be a beacon of hope in times of despair. I want to trust Him, even when life doesn’t make sense.

Do not fret. He’s got this.

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‘The Bachelorette’ recap: Nick for now. Texas forever. http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/the-bachelorette-recap-episode-5/ http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/the-bachelorette-recap-episode-5/#comments Tue, 16 Jun 2015 19:19:43 +0000 http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/?p=7394 iHateGreenBeans | Blog of Lincee Ray
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As we have just finished week 5 of The Bachelorette, I think it would be fun to perform a postmortem on a few of the eliminated contestants. WEEK 1 Drunk Guy makes a complete fool of himself. Our Host Chris Harrison doesn’t even consult Kaitlyn before escorting him beyond the freshly washed driveway and into […]

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Bachelorette Kaitlyn

As we have just finished week 5 of The Bachelorette, I think it would be fun to perform a postmortem on a few of the eliminated contestants.

WEEK 1
Drunk Guy makes a complete fool of himself. Our Host Chris Harrison doesn’t even consult Kaitlyn before escorting him beyond the freshly washed driveway and into a designated rejection SUV.

Also in week 1, Brady chooses to forego any chance he has with Kaitlyn in lieu of pursuing Britt. Harrison loans him the keys of the rejection SUV, punches in the address of the Ramada Inn in the GPS, and wishes Brady all the luck in the world. Team Brat share a lovely free continental breakfast of Otis Spunkmeyer blueberry muffins and orange juice. Brady has high hopes that Britt will accept his matching do-rags and join him at Bonnaroo with the tickets he plans on scoring after selling the contents of his ABC Bachelorette grab bag on E-Bay.

WEEK 2
Kupah gives in to the pressure in the second episode and his anger overflows. His mouth wrote a check his pretty face and charm couldn’t cash. Kaitlyn dramatically tosses him to the curb without looking back.

WEEK 3
Tony the Healer decides that his bonsai trees would never force him to do the despicable acts Kaitlyn makes him do. He’s a lover, not a fighter. If Kaitlyn wants to give this a go, she can find him. I’m sure he’s wanted in a few counties for anger management issues. He peaces out quietly into the night .

WEEK 4
Clint digs his own grave. Sure, he expected JJ to crawl in with him instead of being the first to shove dirt onto his casket, but that can’t be helped now. Clint is the resident villain and he must be kicked out and replaced with a new, better model named Nick.

WEEK 5
After Ian’s little stunt in San Antonio, I assume he will be the next to hit the road without the hassle of waiting around for a dumb ole rose ceremony. Naturally ABC chose to black out the screen right after Kaitlyn made this face:

I said it last week, and I’ll say it again: The Bacheorette is going full soap opera genre. We should expect “TO BE CONTINUED” at the end of each episode. It’s time to get on board, people. It’s all or nothing. We’ve come this far. We need to see how this train wreck ends!

ALL FOR ONE AND ONE FOR CHRIS HARRISON!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Instagram happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the twerking instructor who is obsessed with the fictional life of Jamie and Claire Fraser like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

The episode begins as Nick enters a New York hotel room. All of the current season’s guys are squished onto one couch on the right side of the room. Nick sprawls out, alone, on the big couch on the left side of the room. No one stands up. No one speaks. It’s so quiet, I can hear Peter’s voice going through the change.

Finally, Nick breaks the ice with an eloquent, “I’m not here to cause drama. I just dig this girl.” Everyone accepts this and they play a rousing game of beer pong.

Or not.

Tanner wants to know about the story he read in the tabloids about how Nick and Andi were just together. Nick calmly tells the group that he and Andi were burying the hatchet. Is that what the kids are calling it these days? Tanner also wants to know if he’s just chasing fame? Nick reminds him that he has lived a normal life as a boring software salesman in Chicago. Joshua wants to know how long they have been talking? I want to know why Nick is wearing a Member’s Only jacket? Nick doesn’t address my question, but answers that he and Kaitlyn have interacted for a few months and that they’ve talked on the phone a couple of times.

Nick gives the guys permission to not care about why he’s there, but they must respect his decision to be there. Uhm, okay. Gosling doesn’t make eye contact and refuses to even call Nick by his name. He leaves in search of a rowing machine. I love this guy!

The boys head to the cocktail party at Citi Field Ballpark—home of the New York Mets. Kaitlyn walks in wearing a sparkly dress, knee-high boots and an attitude that screams, “Nick is here to stay guys. Man broach and all. Deal with it.”

JJ wisely asks Kaitlyn to join him on the field. All the other guys groan, knowing that this was a smart move. JJ hoists Kaitlyn in his arms, pretends to swing her like a bat and then runs the bases, holding her in a cradle position. At first I was too distracted by his high water pants and pink socks to determine if this exercise was weird or not. By second base, I decided that it had run its course (no pun intended). By third base, Kaitlyn agreed with me and asked to run the last base herself. Inside, JJ tells Gosling he is the best looking guy in the house, but a clenched jaw does not look good on him.

I don’t get JJ’s deal.

Gosling’s jaw is clenched because he thinks Nick is a complete dill weed. He tells Kaitlyn that he feels himself backing away now that “he” is in the picture. Kaitlyn begins to cry and forces Gos to hold her hand. Ironically, she grabs his hand and places it on her upper thigh. Gosling trips up a bit by starting a sentence with, “I hope you are smarter than…” but saves himself by gently telling Kaitlyn that her actions are not matching up with what she says. Kaitlyn is devastated. Gosling is too. He rushes off to help the ABC Intern build a fancy baseball pedestal for the pitching mound where the rose ceremony will be held.

Bachelorette KaitlynIt’s unclear why Kaitlyn and Our Host Chris Harrison were allowed to wear their thick winter coats, yet the bachelors had to brave the frigid New York winter. Winter is no longer coming. It is here. And now, The Dentist’s perfect teeth are chattering away and several are experiencing the early stages of frostbite. Let’s get this show on the road!

Instead of pitching each boutonniere to the deserving bachelor, Kaitlyn calls the follow up onto the mound with her:

The Dentist “Cupcake” Chris
Justin
Jared
Peter
Ben
Gosling
Tanner
Kentucky Joe
Ian
JJ
Joshua

After 10 minutes of total silence, Kaitlyn calls Nick’s name. I think she was hoping that the majority of the dudes wouldn’t remember because their brains were frozen. No such luck. The bros hug it out with Jonathan, Corey and Metro Ryan, who have to walk all the way through the outfield to get to their rejection limos. Have fun in Paradise Jonathan!

Instead of heading indoors to toast the next leg of their journey, Kaitlyn makes the guys celebrate with her in the middle of Citi Field as she announces their next destination is San Antonio, Texas! Those who can move their jaws give a halfhearted cheer. I stood up and shouted, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO!”

FIRST ONE-ON-ONE
Peter
“Let’s Take our Love One Step at a Time”

Kaitlyn knows that this week has been full of serious ups and serious lows. Please don’t confuse this with serious highs and serious lows. They are totally different. She is excited to take Peter in a vintage Ford pickup down to Gruene Hall so they can enter a two-stepping contest. I had high hopes that Peter was a dancing man. Although he has proven his slow dancing and dipping skills, his slow, slow, quick, quick needs a little bit of work. With that said, I wouldn’t turn him down if he asked me to dance.

Here’s the thing you have to know about growing up in Small Town Texas. We square danced in elementary school. We country danced at parties where someone’s dad taught all the boys how to lead the girls around the floor when we were in junior high. We call them boots (not cowboy boots.) To quote Justin Matisse, “Dancing is just a conversation between two people. Talk to me.” It’s in our blood. I don’t care if you step all over my feet, I will have a good time. In conclusion, this is my dream date at my dream place with a local legend (Dale Watson!) starring my current favorite bachelor. Lincee gives it an A+.

When Peter hugged the little old lady Betty Jo, my heart melted. He’s so freaking cute.

But he’s also so freaking young, as Kaitlyn pointed out at dinner. At 26, can he really be ready for a lifetime commitment? It certainly didn’t bode well that he told Kaitlyn he has a long-distance relationship that didn’t work about because he had “lost the chase.”

Side Note: Did anyone else feel like his dramatic lead up fell flat once he finally told the story?

At the end of the night, Peter tells Kaitlyn that he felt lucky holding her in his arms at Gruene Hall. Then he starts slow dancing with her and making out. This earned him a rose.

Peter is my guy. But I’m afraid Kaitlyn thinks he’s too young. He will do well on Bachelor in Paradise. Mark my words.

[REMINDER: PLEASE NO SPOILERS IN THE COMMENT SECTION! I HAVE NO IDEA IF PETER IS ON BIP! IT’S JUST A GUT FEELING!]

GROUP DATE
Justin
Jared
Ian
Chris
Tanner
Joe
JJ
Ben
Joshua
Nick
“I love a man in uniform.”

Kaitlyn arrives wearing a darling denim shirt dress that is extremely cute and length appropriate! Mazel tov! A 12-year-old kid in a mariachi band serenades her and she LOVES it. The kid tells the guys that he just stole Kaitlyn’s heart, and it’s up to one of them to take it back. Muscle won’t help (sorry Ben). You have to listen to mariachi music on an old-school Walkman and compose some lyrics of your own! Naturally, you will be singing in front of an audience of strangers. ¡Ay, caramba!

This revelation sends all the guys into an emotional tailspin. Especially Kentucky Joe. He’s already bared a nut in the sumo “date,” attempted to sing and dance on the Aladdin “date” and now he’s given another musical challenge. It’s fortunate that he can kiss so good.

Ian is excited that he just so happens to have muscle, brains, a heart and the musical stylings of insert-popular-R&B-artist-name-here. Joshua is only worried about beating Nick. And Nick just wants to show Kaitlyn that he can have fun making a fool of himself.

Bachelorette KaitlynJustin is first and he is terrible. JJ steals one of the mariachi band member’s guitar and pitifully strums out his ridiculous lyrics. Jared “aye, aye, aye, aye’s” to the audience and they actually sort of participate. Joe asks Kaitlyn to “mariachi-marry me” and ends his set with a kiss. (See? He knows how to play the game.) Ian limps through his performance, later beating himself up for choking. Joshua was simply horrendous.

And then there’s Nick. He one-ups the guys by dragging Kaitlyn to a balcony so he can serenade her above the crowd. He rhymes “connection” with “erection” and she LOVES it.

Nick: I wasn’t afraid to make a fool of myself. The guys have been super cool about it. Except Josh. Josh seems pissed.
Lincee: Probably because you’re calling him Josh. It’s Joshua.

At the cocktail party, Kaitlyn arrives in a leather fringe skirt that is pretty cute and obviously themed for the occasion. I won’t comment on her bronzer. Joshua takes her away so he can prove that he trusts her completely. He hands her a pair of clippers, blindfolds himself (odd) and she proceeds to buzz the entire side of his head. We don’t know if she was trying to be funny or if the ABC Intern was instructed to produce faulty clippers at Joshua’s request. What we do know is that his look is unfortunate. The fact that Kaitlyn points and laughs does not bode well for him either.

Question: Kaitlyn called the clippers a buzzer. Is that a Canadian thing?

Nick tells the camera that he’s not sure how cutting hair advances one through the process (valid point). He prefers making out on a bench. So does Kaitlyn. Later, Joshua tells Nick that he doesn’t trust him. He has an intuition that says something’s wrong. Other guys agree, but only Joshua lets it eat away at his insides.

As the philosopher Adele Dazeem once said, “Let it go! Let it goooooooo!”

Unfortunately, Joshua breaks the cardinal rule of bachelor competition. He tattles on the mean guy to the bachelorette. COME ON JOSHUA! HEAD IN THE GAME! He tells Kaitlyn that Nick brags about his season and that he thinks he’s better than all the other guys. He also casually mentions that no one in the group likes him. Kaitlyn interrupts. Has everyone been lying to her face?

Joshua looks up at her through the hole he dug for himself, trying to claw his way back out. He explains that nobody wants to throw Nick under the bus because it’s really hard having this conversation!

Kaitlyn: SO I’M A FREAKING IDIOT? THEY ARE THROWING ME UNDER THE BUS? WHY IS NO ONE TELLING ME THAT THEY DON’T LIKE NICK?

Hi, Kaitlyn? It’s Lincee. Remember when you were sitting with Gosling a few days ago and he told you about how he didn’t like the new guy? Yeah, he wasn’t talking about the new bagel guy at craft services. He was talking about Nick.

Joshua goes back to the guys and lies about where he has been. Kaitlyn being Kaitlyn, follows him in and drags the entire ordeal out into the open in front of everyone. Who doesn’t like Nick? [silence] Who isn’t being honest with me? [silence] What am I missing? [silence]

Bachelorette KaitlynShe calls Joshua out, asking him if he thinks the other guys are being honest about their lack of hatred toward Nick. Joshua pleads with the other guys, mentally begging them to pile on, but none want to be on the team with the weirdo who has half of his head shaved.

To spite everyone in the circle, Kaitlyn proudly gives Nick the date rose and challenges anyone to cross her. Cut to all the guys congratulating Nick, asking him to be their new best friend.

SECOND ONE-ON-ONE
Gosling

Kaitlyn meets Gosling at the San Antonio River Walk. They hop into tiny kayaks. Kaitlyn is quick to tell Gosling that no one EVER gets to do this. She doesn’t mention the fact that people refrain from touching the water because it is disgusting. I find it odd that ABC didn’t feature our dynamic duo receiving tetanus shots beforehand, or the round of penicillin administered after their jaunt.

Gosling and Kaitlyn ramble up onto a bank and share margaritas. Gosling wants to be truthful with Kaitlyn, which she totally appreciates. She does not want her journey to be anywhere near the lyrics of a Taylor Swift song. Gosling tells her that he felt bad for Joshua and that he is confident there were a few guys who were scared to speak up the other night. But at the end of the day, he only cares about her. Then they make out on a bridge.

Later than night, Gosling and Kaitlyn hold hands and talk about how they are freaked out that they connected so quickly. He takes a deep breath and proceeds to share something he never talks about—he nearly died in a car wreck.

DRAMATIC STORY BUILD-UP
Gosling—1
Peter—0

Gosling continues that he was in the hospital for several months. He shouldn’t have lived. But he did. And it’s hard for him to be vulnerable, but he’s letting his walls down. Then he tells Kaitlyn, in week 5, that he’s falling in love with her. And she says, “I feel the same way.”

Gosling is going to be soooo mad when he finds out that Kaitlyn had relations with Lon Hammond later this season.

ROSE CEREMONY

All the guys gather together in the fancy hotel lobby. Joshua is crying because he screwed up and no one will fix his lopsided hair. The Dentist wishes he had chosen another blazer color rather than dusty rose. Kentucky Joe makes out with Kaitlyn on a bench. Jared gets some alone time in Kaitlyn’s suite, and even manages to make out horizontally no a rose-petal covered bed. I assume this means she has no problem that Jared is just as young as Peter. Doesn’t she see that he can’t grow a full beard? (Sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na, SHA-NA-NA-NA-NA!) Also, Jared told her that he too thinks he’s falling in love with her. So there’s that.

And now for Ian. Tall, handsome, egotistical Ian. I had such high hopes for him. Here are a few things we learn in his “I’m too good for this!” rant:

  1. Kaitlyn isn’t half as hot as my ex-girlfriend.
  2. I bring so much more to the table than any of the guys here.
  3. I have brains, charisma, looks…
  4. I could be the bachelor. I would be a good candidate in this country and the world.
  5. I am an enigma. And who I am is a gift you unwrap for life.
  6. I don’t find Kaitlyn interesting.
  7. I meet chicks and have a lot of sex in my own life.

Then he sits down with Kaitlyn, and tells her this:

  1. For me, this isn’t a vacation. I came to find a wife.
  2. I came here expecting to meet the girl who had her heart broken by The Farmer.
  3. Not the girl who wanted to have her field plowed by The Farmer.
  4. I feel like you are here to make out with a bunch of dudes on TV.
  5. Bringing Nick in, I don’t question his intentions. I question your intentions.
  6. I see you as a surface level person and wonder if you are really that shallow?

TO BE CONTINUED!

Clearly Ian will be the next contestant ousted sans rose ceremony. The guy was just too logical for the show. He tried to put it in a box, checking off rules as he went along. Sadly, Mike Fleiss and Kaitlyn don’t play by the rules. Had he exited quietly, he may saved a little bit of his dignity. Instead, he waved as it passed him by.

What do y’all think? Did you see the scenes for the next episode? Why don’t these people take off their microphones? Does Peter stand a chance? Will Gosling be the next to walk out?

Sound off in the comments section!

And if you didn’t see yesterday’s post, take a look at the cheat sheet I made for the season 2 cast of Bachelor in Paradise by clicking HERE.

The post ‘The Bachelorette’ recap: Nick for now. Texas forever. appeared first on iHateGreenBeans | Blog of Lincee Ray.

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