Feel free to take a glimpse into the inner workings of Lincee Ray as she navigates the tricky waters of a wedding reception by clicking HERE.

I have no idea why I just wrote that in third person.  Sounds like Lincee needs a nap.

“I think when you quote Charlie Sheen, it’s a red flag.”

Exactly. Courtney’s tendency to wander around the mansion with a glass full of wine in one hand and constant pawing and twisting of her model hair with the other muttering, “WINNER” under her breath after playing mind games with Emily reveals a lot about her character. Since Groban is so gosh darn normal, I welcomed the blatant flying of her freak flag with fingers anxiously hovering over the home keys of my Mac, waiting for her to truly unleash the Mean Girl that lives just below the surface of those symmetrical facial features. Thankfully, she did not disappoint. And it wouldn’t surprise me if she tries to make “fetch” happen next week.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you poked on Facebook happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the niece/former classmate of someone who is obsessed with the Hunger Games trilogy and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Great news everyone! It’s week four and a shaky Blair Witch-style documentary camera reveals that the girls have arrived in Park City, Utah which is totally the best place to fall in love, like, ever. We join Groban in a helicopter where he is blown away by the breathtaking scenery.

Groban: “It’s just so beautiful. Everywhere I look I’m amazed by nature. I can see every color in the rainbow.”
Lincee: “Guess what Grobe? You can actually wear clothes that come in those same colors! Perhaps you can branch out from your charcoal, taupe and oatmeal wardrobe bases. I’m not hinting that you go full-blown red trousers like Ames, but maybe you could start slow and comfortable with a plum-colored sweater. That’s close enough to grey in the color wheel, isn’t it?”

Like the high you feel after dropping 300 feet spelunking, Our Host Chris Harrison’s presence radiates a sudden surge of energy. Could it be that the combination of his well-fitted jeans and über trendy navy sweater is making his eyes pop more than normal, therefore firing neurons to the brain resulting in accelerated heart rate?

Do we even have to ask?

Harrison breezes through his script detailing the date lineup this week. We all know the drill. Two one-on-one dates, one group date, not everyone goes on a date, blah, blah, blah. We aren’t even paying attention because it appears that Our Host has been toning up during his non-hosting duties. Dare I say someone is joining a certain Hotter Than Crap Bachelor in Austin for arms and chest day at the gym? I zero in on the eyes again when I sense that Harrison is wrapping up his speech. This means he’ll be dropping off the date card and heading back to his suite where the ABC intern has stored his free weights for shoulder shrugs and I need to soak up as much of his presence as I can. But wait! Harrison isn’t leaving! Instead, he’s bestowing a bit of free advice to our eager ladies.

OHCH: “You know not everyone will get a date this week. If you get time with Groban, use it wisely. Don’t just talk about the weather. I hope to see you all at the next rose ceremony.”

Interesting. Other than in the privacy of the Pier One Photo Bureau Room (which is uncharacteristically absent this season) Harrison never offers unsolicited advice to the contestants. And what does it mean? He could have said anything in that moment. “Don’t mention Groban’s awful hair…he hates that.” Or “He likes to wear the color boring. Never encourage him to stray from that palette.”

Yet he warns the ladies to not hem and haw about the forecast. I am intrigued by the enigma that is Chris Harrison.

First One-On-One Date
Bangs
“Let’s Let Nature Take Its Course”

Lindzi announces that Bangs is the lucky recipient of the first one-on-one and Kasie B. begins her high stepping journey down a potentially dangerous path. Jealousy does not look good on you my friend. I understand you are a sweet, innocent girl, who just wants to conform to everything your pretend boyfriend wants you to be, but you have a good shot at winning this and you need to SUCK IT UP NOW.

Instead, she cries in her leather, grey Member’s Only Jacket (probably vintage…from her Mom’s closet), adjusts her scarf and finds sanctuary in the fact that staring at Groban longingly as he picks Bangs up for their date is more fulfilling than not seeing him at all.

Later, we’ll find her outside searching for odd numbered petals on daffodils.

Groban picks Bangs up in the first helicopter of the season and whisks her away for a day filled with fun activities in nature. He’s wearing a grey Henley. Right away, I can tell something is off. Being The Bachelor connoisseur that I am, I know how these dates typically unfold. The girl fakes being afraid of the flight so she can be comforted by her date. This gives her the opportunity to place her hand on his thigh, lean over him to see the scenery below, conveniently pushing her amble bosom into his face, regale in the fact that this is the coolest thing she’s ever done before gazing into his eyes with that come hither stare, just begging for a kiss. Of course, we all hear every bit of the conversation in those muffled head phone voices.

But Bangs is silent. There was no bosom pressing, no high pitched shrieking and certainly no making out. There was a well-timed thigh squeeze, but that could have very well been turbulence.

Groban compliments her by saying she’s super mellow and easy going. Careful Bangs. If you are any less enthusiastic, I might have to dress you in something neutral and call you Groban. Our Bachelor paddles out to the middle of a secluded lake. That would have been accurate had it not been for the camera dude in the canoe to his immediate right and what appeared to be swarms of mosquitoes buzzing around, but hey…I’ll take anything to break the silence. They begin to make out because there’s nothing else to do. The moment made me pine for the romantic gestures of both Noah Calhoun and Prince Eric. Those guys really knew how to properly execute a canoe date.

In the next scene, we find Groban and Bangs on the bank of the lake, squinting at each other in silence. Then they decide to talk about how they are squinting and Bangs brings up that you can get crow’s feet from too much squinting. Groban pretends to be interested in this dermatological fact before casually pointing out a beaver dam. An unimpressed Bangs takes a sip of wine.

I begin to squirm in my seat and subconsciously hum the song “Kiss The Girl.” Show editors augment the awkward silence by making us all watch and stew in its uncomfortable juices. “WHY ISN’T ANYONE SAYING ANYTHING?” I shout at my television, desperately rocking back and forth internally begging for the moment to end. How hard is it to ask a simple question? I understand that you don’t dare deviate from Harrison’s counsel by remarking on the fabulous weather we’re having, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Talk about the food in front of you! Make an inappropriate beaver joke woman! If we’ve learned anything from this show it’s that the possibilities for idle chit chat are literally endless.

Just as I’m recovering from the pregnant pause that birthed its baby and is currently celebrating a potty training milestone, Groban proudly admits that he thinks there is chemistry with Bangs. What in the world? I guess the executives chose to not air the part where Bangs changes into a tan bikini (excellent choice for Grobe) and has her hair braided by a local from the Bahamas before she runs down the beach to classical introspective music playing in the background.

Behold the power of editing.

I have to give extreme props to the ABC intern for his amazing set design on the dinner portion of this date. How he was able to construct and entire teepee, complete with pot belly stove and bear skin rugs without torching the place from the 18 thousand vanilla candles strewn about is beyond me. Well done my good man. Well done.

But the rustic ambiance is not enough to distract our Bachelor. Apparently the edited bathing suit buzz has worn off and he’s becoming curious of Bangs’ mute behavior. He begins to talk about relationships, being in this for the long haul and if they are actually worth pursuing.

Bangs: “The fire is hot.”
Lincee: “Quick! Run down the beach toward him again you fool!”

Sensing that he’s not experiencing her true personality, Bangs decides that she needs to up her game. Confusing, verbal diarrhea is just the ticket.

Bangs: “For me, in past relationships, I’m no good. I’ve struggled with it in my most recent one. I’m honest, but it’s just hard for me to be the way I want.”
Groban: “What’s hard again? I’m not following.”

Bangs: “Oh. Sorry. Communicating. I’m not good at it.”
Groban: “You don’t say? Talking is overrated. Here’s a rose. Now go put on that skin-toned one piece so we can eat s’mores and make out again!”

Group Date
Jamie
Casey
Jugs
Lindzi
Miss Pacific Palisades
Nicki
Kasie B.
Courtney The Model
“Let’s See If You’re a Great Catch”

The familiar twang of stereotypical country music alerts us that this date is going to require boots, a square to dance around and the mandatory use of the conjunction “y’all” when addressing the group. Wearing a plain brown shirt, Groban tells the camera that he’s ready for the ladies to see his “country” side. A quick Google search confirms that his Sonoma winery indeed does not double as a Dude Ranch. Bless Groban’s heart. If we weren’t convinced, the sheer terror on his sweet face as his horse galloped through the river was evidence enough that the closest he will ever come to cowboyhood is the 50-yard-line at an NFL stadium in Dallas. Lindzi did a great job abstaining from rolling her eyes and even admitted that she loves a cowboy in a saddle.

We both wonder where we can find one.

After a leisurely walk through the countryside, the girls dismount and are ecstatic to see waders and fly fishing poles waiting for them by the river. I thought this was an interesting reaction, but let’s go with it. Almost everyone vies for one-on-one time, including Courtney who could care less about catching a fish and vows to make the exercise all about catching Groban.

She makes her move just as our Bachelor is instructing Kasie B. to flick her wrist like so.

Kasie B.: “Just like twirling a baton!”
Groban: “If that helps you, sure!”

The Model somehow manages to fling her line about in a way that convinces Groban that she’s actually done this before. Wow. Outdoorsy and hot. Who would have thought?

Meanwhile, the girls all stand around in shallow water about five feet away from each other complaining about how no one has caught any fish. I can’t imagine why the trout aren’t biting. And does it really matter? I assume most of these women would choose not to partake in any activity that acquires them to snare their own dinner, let alone eat it. That’s what alcohol is for silly. Obviously, the ABC intern hasn’t listened to country music in the last few months because our bachelorettes are chugging beer daintily from wine glasses instead of red Solo cups. Why catch dinner when you can drink it?

The keg is floated within minutes of Groban arriving to present Courtney’s limp, sad little trout to the rest of the group. After 30 minutes of gloating, she feels sorry for the little sucker and makes Groban toss it back in the river since her model diet only allows protein ingestion every seventh day. Having sucked its last ragged breath 20 minutes prior to this decision, the fish floats along the bank before becoming a beaver’s fine feast later that night. Circle of life people.

Back at the Waldorf Astoria fly fishing after party, Groban takes comfort to new levels by wearing a grey hooded sweatshirt, black yoga pants and flip flops. He asks for alone time with that chick you never can remember. No, not that one. The blond one. Other Casey is her name and blue fingernail polish is her game. Before we can learn anything about her, Nicki comes to steal him away.

Nicki: “I love your American Apparel hoodie!”
Groban: “Thanks. I have another one in ecru.”

Nicki: “You’re so cool. I am thankful that we have these times together to live life to the fullest. And I want to take every moment to do that with you.”
Lincee: “WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? THAT’S WORSE THAN TALKING ABOUT THE WEATHER YOU FOOL!”

After sharing stories about recent losses in their lives, Nicki feels that she and Groban have bonded in a way that no one else has. To my recollection, she has yet to bond in the way everyone else has…by Groban sticking his tongue down her throat.  Nick still has a long road ahead of her.

Miss Pacific Palisades finally scores one-on-one time with our Bachelor. Instead of conversing about things that she understands, like Bumpits, dark eyeliner or the power of hemorrhoid cream under baggy eyes, she chooses to open with this little gem:

MPP: “I was just wondering why I’ve been on so many group dates instead of a single date?”

Groban: “Wow. Well, group dates are very important and it helps me to observe to see if I’d like to ask someone on a solo date.”

Groban calmly explains that he is looking for specific characteristics in the group dates, while reminding her that not everyone is granted an invitation to bask in his presence. That’s code for: Count your blessings, chick. Unfazed by his gentle warning, Palisades presses the issue again.

MPP: “Well I’ve been on three group dates. What have you observed?”
Groban: “To be quite honest, you’ve been highly emotional and I’m wondering if you can hang and if you are really here for me. According to your actions, I don’t see it. You spend more time in the handicapped bathroom stall than you do with me.”

Harrison has taught him well.

She licks her lips and maintains a clueless stare, just waiting for…a buzzer? A bell to ring? Someone to escort her into a sound proof booth? We can’t be sure.

Groban” “From what I’ve seen, I don’t think there is any reason for this to go further.”
MPP: “Why?”
Groban: “Let me explain in a way that you can understand. You will not be advancing to the talent round. There is no need to steam your evening gown. You will not be receiving a bouquet of runner-up roses, let alone a coveted bud from me. It’s time to pack your bags and go home. Here’s a 20 so the driver can pick you up a cheeseburger on your way back to the Palisades.”

Our beauty queen says farewell to her fellow female dates and then bids adieu to the women back at the mansion. Even though she’s crying uncontrollably in her exit interview, we’re comforted by the necklace that reads “World Peace” in Hebrew. Never fear dear one. There could be a sash with “Miss Santa Monica” in your near future. Our fingers are crossed for the 2012 pageant circuit.

Groban saunters back to the other ladies, reminding them that he will always be honest and everyone is mere moments away from hitting the road just like Pali.

Kasie B. might actually spontaneously combust if she doesn’t get some one-on-one time. Groban quickly figures this out, plucks her from the outdoor rattan furniture and guides her to a hotel room that Harrison uses for wardrobe staging. She’s wearing a sweater version of the Flashdance top. It’s what a female welder might wear when she’s chilly. It’s also the color of eggshells. Groban loves it.

They talk about how hard this process is and Kasie B. begs Groban to just affirm their relationship whenever he can. All she needs is a little reassurance. Groban apologizes for not kissing her in the river and then makes up for lost time on Harrison’s guest couch.

Groban: “I’m in trouble with Kasie B. My feelings for her are growing faster than most. I like this girl. Her smile. Her demeanor. Her toss turnaround. She’s wonderful. I just need to make sure she knows that.”

The Model decides it’s time to go topless and really show Groban a good time. At least that’s what it looked like when her side boob flashed for the entire world to see. As it turns out, strategic hand placement and hunched over posture made popular by all cycles of America’s Top Model camouflaged the tiny bikini strings. She immediately begins weaving her manipulative web in the most annoying baby talk.

Courtney: “I am having a rough time. I really like you and feel good about us. I didn’t think that I would feel this way. I’m not used to being insecure. It brings me down to not be with you. I don’t know what I might do. I think I’ve lost sight of everything…of us.”

Groban brushes his bangs out of his eyes in a concerned fashion. He can’t believe that the hot model doesn’t know how much she means to him. He seizes the next few moments to grovel, beg, persuade, insist, beseech, defend, apologize and plead for Courtney to just hang in there with him. He wants her to be confident in the feelings that have developed after knowing each other for a collective total of six hours.

Groban: “I’ve learned on this journey that I should provide reassurance to the women who are feeling insecure, lonely or somewhat threatening to return to a runway waiting for them in Milan. I can’t remember who told me that but I know they’d be thrilled to see me providing that service to The Model by giving her the group date rose.”

Congratulations Groban. You’ve been Bentley’d.

Second One-On-One
Jennifer
“Let’s Pick Our Love Song”

I like Jennifer. Had the cameras not been there to document her creepy spelunking date, I might have been fearful for her life. It started off with a seemingly endless hike, leading to a barrier that read “NO TRESPASSING,” followed by a law-breaking hop over said barrier to break into a fenced-in area protecting a huge hole, which ended up being the mouth of a cave that had a questionable depth of water below it; i.e. it was the exact intro I saw one time on Criminal Minds. Assuming that Groban is up-to-date in his harness certification, why did she have to strip down to a string bikini? Had she known she would be suspended over water, waiting for the big plunge, I’m sure she would have chosen something a little more athletic in the swimwear department.

Groban uses metaphors like “diving into the unknown” and “conquering a fear together” before he bruises her gall bladder by landing on her after the 300-foot drop. After ditching the harnesses and helmets, they try to make out while treading water.

Groban: “This is perfect.”
Jennifer: “It is perfect.”
Lincee: “I you mean perfect for a serial killer dumping ground, then yes.”

Later, no one seems to care that they just sent two people up on a ski lift in the middle of a lighting storm. Jennifer is wearing Harrison’s Army coat. Groban has borrowed Kasie’s Member’s Only grey jacket. They talk about relationships and being flexible and then the rain comes pouring down monsoon style.

Groban rewards her normal behavior by presenting her with the rose after basically admitting that up until then, he didn’t really see a future with her. This makes her blush. Groban celebrate next steps by arranging for a private Clay Walker concert in a nearby meadow. Well, private in the sense that 100 other folks from the Waldorf would be joining them but THEY get to stand on a platform in the middle of all those people. Groban takes Jennifer’s hands and twirls her around as if attempting to pretzel her. Obviously, this is the perfect opportunity for him to once again show off his country side. All hope was lost when he executed the telltale sign of non-country dancers in every honky tonk this side of the Mason Dixon Line…the rocking horse.

I’m sure he’s really good at stomping grapes though.

Rose Ceremony

Ben arrives in a black suit with a skinny grey tie and hair that rivals the rattiest of nests. He toasts the ladies and begins to mingle with the crowd. Emily’s disgust with Courtney becomes open for debate when she compares The Model to a cold statue made of marble…beautiful on the outside and hard as stone on the inside.

Emily: “Either he doesn’t know what he wants or he doesn’t really know her. We are fooling ourselves to think that he wants someone normal if he likes her. If I were in his position, I’d want someone to tell me what’s going on.”

Emily is strong. Heartache to heartache, she stands. No promises. No demands. She’s going to go for the jugular when it comes to Courtney by giving Grobe the infamous “she’s different around us that she is around you” speech.

Emily: “I feel like there is one girl here who is different around you that she is with the rest of the house. I don’t know if that’s a big deal to you or not.”
Groban: “I don’t know who you are talking about and I don’t care to know.”

Emily [irritated]: “It’s just that on this recent group date we were all surprised to see that she got the rose.”

Groban rolls his eyes, curses women for being so catty and reminds Emily that Courtney is not only hot, but a model and she needs to concentrate more on herself before others or it will end in her own demise. Courtney learns of Emily’s tattling and plays mind games the rest of the night. Emily’s defenses slowly begin to crumble and she even cries. Yes, love is a battlefield, Emily. And with late night/early morning booze, sleep deprivation and those Spanx cutting off the oxygen to your brain, the odds are not in your favor. But you do look darling in your shiny silver toga!

Emily returns to the couch feeling dejected and confused. She confesses that she just told Groban that Courtney is fake and Other Casey (the blond one wearing a lilac 60s inspired negligee with a necklace in the shape of a noose) was quick to defend The Model claiming that they are total besties.

Emily: “How can you say she isn’t fake? She doesn’t have any social etiquette.”
Casey: “I’m her friend. Obviously we aren’t going to see eye to eye, so we should stop talking. I’m going to get a drink and retire to the billiard room where I will share every inch of this story with Courtney.”

Casey spills the beans that Emily is talking smack behind Courtney’s back. ABC does a nice job of bleeping out the f-bombs as Courtney assembles her Burn Book while acknowledging her desire to verbally abuse Emily and/or shave off her eyebrows while she is asleep.

Outside on the veranda, Nicki’s tongue can’t catch a break. Instead of playing tonsil hockey with Groban, they are catching snowflakes . Despite the obvious below freezing temperatures, she seems perfectly fine in her chocolate brown, tight, strapless cocktail dress. I guess the love in her heart and the booze in her liver is enough to keep her warm.

Courtney continues to slowly pick away all of the confidence Emily has left by using the power of the freeze out. She sashays over to the couch with the rest of the girls, plops herself on the end, takes a deep whiff from her rose and proceeds to stare Emily down. Kasie B. is allergic to confrontation and quickly begins a game of 20 Questions.

KB: “How many of you know yourself better in these two weeks verses the previous two months?”

Everyone raises their hands except Courtney who volunteers that not only does she feel totally comfortable with her own skin but she likens this exact scenario to what it must be like to be in a sorority.

Oh honey.  Emily would have you black balled faster than you can say, “She does not possess Pi Phi qualities” if this was rush week.  Stand down pledge.

Courtney begins her maniacal laughter as Emily hits her limit.

Emily: “WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT?”
Court: “You.”
Emily: “Why? I’m confused.”
Court: “Oh you know…”
Emily: “We are not in fifth grade. Let’s be adults.”
Court: “You’re on my list butt munch.”

Once Harrison arrives, Emily and Courtney are allowed to leave time out to take their places at the rose ceremony. The Waldorf banquet hall has been transformed into an indoor livable forest. We assume the ABC intern’s inspiration was Kate Middleton’s wedding. He is on FIRE this episode!

Along with Bangs, The Model and Jennifer, roses are given to Lindzi, Jamie in Miss Pacific Palisades retired sequined pageant dress, Nicki, Kasie B., Elyse, Jugs and Emily.

Discarded Monica wishes she hadn’t worn a dress that looked like a blood clot as she exits the hotel.

Monica: “It’s awful when someone doesn’t feel the way you feel. I want marriage and kids and I want it to last. I just need that special someone.”

She’s talking about Jugs McGee.

Groban is happy to announce that they will be leaving Utah for gorgeous Puerto Rico! There will be skinny dipping, more maniacal laughter and round two of the Emily/Courtney feud.

What did you think about this week’s episode? Did Jugs McGee slowly endear herself to you like she did me? Did the combination of her stomping skills on the picnic table during the group date with the revelation of her secret life skill in the art of hair highlighting help her chances in becoming this season’s Miss Congeniality? Do you think she stomps like that in pasties and a g-string as a VIP waitress? Sound off in the comments section!

I’m all about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee

If you’re interested in the mixed tape playlist I created based on last night’s episode, feel free to head on over to Huffington Post (HERE) and share your song choices in the comment section.

On a separate note, does anyone know where I can get some good highlights?

I think what’s more surprising is that she’s actually going through with it.  I think Emily is darling.  And for a young girl, she’s certainly lived a very dramatic life.  She seems to have a pretty good head on her shoulders and from what I’ve read, the entire experience was something that she didn’t really enjoy the first go around.  I’m sure a certain hot guy with a ridiculous back tattoo promised her the final rose from the very beginning and all she had to do was sit back, relax, go on exotic vacations and try not to miss her little girl too much.  But then reality sets in and you find yourself on Sixth Street wondering how you got from the African safari to here?

Based on the fact that she’s 25-years-old and her house is bigger than most people I know, I doubt she needs the money.  I understand also that the show is setting up shop in North Carolina so she doesn’t have to be away from Little Ricki.  I’m sure the in-laws love that.  She was loved by every Bachelor contestant in Ashley’s season and the rest of the nation.  Why is she going through such ridiculous lengths to land a man?

Also, I found her ridiculously normal.  Normal people have a tendency to make the ratings stale because they aren’t willing to make complete fools of themselves.  (See: Firestone, Jesse Palmer and our current Groban.)

The only thing I can come up with is that she’s vying for the open spot in The Bachelor Pad as co-host since Melissa Rycroft is no longer the Cher to Harrison’s Sonny.  The Hollywood bug has bitten and Mike Fleiss probably moved mountains and sold his soul to get America’s favorite single Mom as his next Bachelorette, promising her fame and fortune, or a gig as an Entertainment Tonight correspondent at the very least.

Am I totally off?  Why do you think Emily is diving into this game again?  Do you think it’s really love?  Or is the paycheck just too good to pass up?  Do you think Brad is going to get another tattoo to ease his pain as he watches her make out with other dudes?  Sound off in the comments section!

Before the conundrum of Groban’s career location versus his residential location is even sorted out in my brain, he’s having tea with his sister in broad daylight! It’s week THREE people! Suddenly, she’s peppering him with questions about the women and he’s rattling off a list of desirables like a kid in the Town Square Confectionery. Our boy wants to sample First Impression Lindzi, Kacie B., Courtney the Model (his title…not mine), Emily the Epidemiologist and Jennifer the accountant who is by far the best kisser. Take that Jugs McGee!

The girls have all been whisked away to the Fairmont in San Francisco. As evidenced by all the screaming and OMG-ing, this is a treat for most of them. Courtney exclaims, “LOOK IN THIS THING! HOW COOL IS THIS!” when peering through what we non-models call a “TEL-E-SCOPE.” I’m glad she’s expanding her horizons.

A hush falls over the crowd as Our Host Chris Harrison enters the room. He looks dashing as always in an Army green coat. Even though we’ve heard the parameters of this week’s dating lineup for 15 seasons, he manages to deliver each line with certain poise. There will be two one-on-one dates and one group date. If you don’t get a rose on your one-on-one, you’re going home. Remember, not everyone gets a date.

He pulls the first card out of his back pocket and places it on the table and leaves with a confidence that can only be mastered by someone who just hosted the Miss America pageant. One of the brunettes jerks it up. It’s still warm to the touch. She resists the urge to smell the envelope before reading the lucky girl’s name.

FIRST ONE-ON-ONE DATE
EMILY
“LOVE LIFTS US UP”

Moderately annoyed that someone in the writing room couldn’t come up with a better title than the theme of Dr. Lieutenant Andy Baldwin’s entire season, I missed the inevitable “run and jump into the arms” greeting and began paying attention to what Groban was droning on about while trying not to be distracted by his ridiculous hair. I heard something about a view he’s never seen and then I heard “climb the bridge” and I begged for Emily to NOT admit that she was afraid of heights.

Instead, Emily said she hated heights and would rather do anything else than climb the stupid bridge with Groban. This is clearly not an attitude that will help love lift her up where she belongs.

I began rolling my eyes roughly three minutes into the date. Not a single viewer watching was surprised to learn that overcoming her fear of heights with Groban is a direct metaphor to their nonexistent relationship. Both blabbed on about “getting through this” and “facing challenges together will make us a stronger unit” and Emily even went above and beyond this tired scenario by saying that “bridges bring two separate things together…just like me and Groban!”

Regrettably, Emily’s mad skills in disease control were unable to ease her manic fear with each trudge up the tilting steel base. Her motor skills ceased functioning. Groban insisted on shouting stellar advice like, “DON’T LOOK DOWN” and “KEEP MOVING” but the fear and taken hold. He resorted to Top Gun quotes, begging her to, “Talk to me Goose.” In normal circumstances, I’m pretty sure “Take me to bed or lose me forever!” would have been an appropriate retort, but Emily is unable to utter any phrase other than variations of, “HOLY BLEEP!!!” He realized things were legitimately shaky when she started calling him Ghost Rider and that that she could no longer move forward because the pattern was full.

WHAT TO DO??? Why, he did what any gentleman would do in that moment— a scripted kiss to calm her nerves at 600 feet. Ah. Love is in the air. And it lifts us up. To the top of the bridge. Just in time for the other girls at the Fairmont to conveniently discover the “TEL-E-SCOPE” pointed directly at the exact longitude and latitude of Emily and Groban’s near death kiss followed by a self cleansing tribal scream marking the halfway point of their journey. What are the odds? And where’s a well placed volleyball scene when you need it?

Four things:
1. You’d be surprised how much time can be wasted when you YouTube “Top Gun volleyball scene.”
b. Oh Tom. How I loved you before you became weird.
III. Oh Val Kilmer. Whatever happened to you?
4. You are welcome.

I won’t bore you with any more details of the bridge date. If you feel like reading all of the “taking a leap of faith” or “together we are going to tackle our fears” or “we were completely vulnerable,” go ahead and read the Jake/Vienna bungee jumping or Mesnick/Molly bungee jumping or Roberto/Ali tight roping dates. It was the same music. Same fear. Same kiss. Same dorky camera helmets.

That night, with the bridge looming in the distance as a symbol of their quest to conquer the fiercest of fears, Groban puts on his favorite corduroy dinner jacket over his button up sweater and completes the ensemble with a fresh swipe of Carmex. Emily didn’t get the memo that it’s chilly outside and shows up wearing a lovely purple tunic which barely covers her who-ha. She tells Groban the story about how she was matched with her brother on E-Harmony and he does his best not to be too grossed out or laugh at the circumstance, although he secretly thinks it would be a little awesome if Dr. Warren’s 27 levels of compatibility matched him with his own sister. A boy can dream.

Groban points out the elephant in the room, even though they were outside, and gives the rose to Emily because she is fearless, witty and doesn’t wear pants. Plus, his dad always told him that he needed to marry someone smarter. They kiss and fireworks begin to go off. Somewhere in Utah, Michelle Money nudges the current guy she’s dating and tells him that she experienced the exact same scenario when making out with Brad. She makes the universal sign for “fireworks” over her own head while he decides if crazy hot trumps just plain crazy.

GROUP DATE
Jugs McGee
Jaclyn
Kacie B.
Erica Esquire
Samantha
Jamie the Nurse
Monica
Rachel
Nicki
Elyse
Casey S.
“Let’s Cross Something Off Our Leap List”

Rachel does a great job explaining to those of us who are unfamiliar with the phrase, exactly what a leap list involves:

Bangs: “It’s something you want to do before your next significant birthday or milestone. It’s like running with the bulls and swimming with sharks or falling in love with Groban.”

Huh. Interesting leap list Bangs. All fine ideas, but Groban has something a little more creative in mind.

As a questionable resident San Franciscan, our Bachelor has always wanted to snow ski in the city. Who hasn’t? It’s a good thing the fine folks over at ABC made the intern do his bidding because after some blatant Honda product placement, a gaggle of ladies in matching nude footwear freak out at the sight of a snowy street, mercifully lined with rows of protective hay bales and innocent bystanders. FUN! They squeal with delight as Groban encourages each of them to hop into a pair of skis and go for it! For some reason, this request bids the girls to begin stripping off what little clothing they were wearing in the first place to reveal a vast array of swimwear that loosely resembles the majority of the current Victoria’s Secret catalog.

And who wouldn’t want to speed down the manufactured slope in nothing but a string bikini? Sign me up! The viewing audience…and actual audience for that matter…is treated to a bouncing montage of “Girls Gone Wild” but with darling snow hats and warm fuzzy scarves. One more than one occasion, faux snow bunnies bit the trail, providing uncomfortable split moves, painful wipeouts and crotch shots galore for the surrounding neighborhood children to see. Thank goodness for laser hair therapy in all the right places.

Hands down, the most entertaining part of the date was when Kacie B. accidentally, but gracefully, managed to bend over and ski backwards down the hill while holding on to her own ankles. I’m sure folks were convinced they were watching a scene from the upcoming adult film “Debbie Does Downhill” with the bounty of boobs and butts whizzing by. You can imagine one mom’s disappointment when she learned that this exhibition will be available in her own home on primetime television in January. Wholesome education for the entire family, am I right? I think I speak for dozens of prepubescent boys watching when I say I can wait to see what other exciting things are on Groban’s leap list.

Meanwhile, First Impression Lindzi, who ironically sports a dark, smoky eye instead of her aforementioned preference to “dirt makeup,” tells the camera that she really, really wants the next one-on-one since she didn’t get a date last week. Unfortunately, that honor is given to Nana’s Granddaughter along with a fake key to the city disguised as a piece of gaudy Neil Lane jewelry. Emily is quick to congratulate her, ensuring the shocked recipient that she’ll have a good time on the date. Nana’s Granddaughter does not look convinced.

It has been settled that Club Tonga is the coolest place ever because it rains on the inside. Groban has passed out fruity drinks with little paper umbrellas to everyone. He pulls Rachel away and they both compliment each other on their mellow demeanor and generally chill attitude. Even though the humidity is doing a number on both their bangs, the Grobe dives in for a kiss while an on looking Kacie B. becomes jealous.

She pulls him away from Rachel and the other girls and escorts him out the front door. Stop the presses. The Bachelor has gone rogue on the streets of San Francisco. The last time this happened, a particular contestant revealed his commitment to guard and protect by getting some fresh ink. Fairly certain that this was not on young Kacie B’s leap list, I begged her to pull out the baton. No such luck. Her side pony would probably get in the way of her toss turnarounds.

KB: “I just don’t know how to play this game. It’s hard being on this side.”
Groban: “I don’t have any words of wisdom for you. But I do have a tongue.”

And then he proceeds to shove it in her mouth. This makes Kacie B. feel better and the excess lip balm transferred from the Grobe is a definite bonus. They return to the club where everyone’s hair has grown out a few inches. Jugs McGee admits that no one likes her, her boobs or her feathery earrings. Groban encourages her to make friends with the other well endowed contestants before Nana’s Granddaughter arrives, interrupts and explains that the best thing for her to do is follow her heart and not go on the romantic one-on-one unlocking door date. He remains calm, walks her to the cab and yells, “SAY HI TO NANA FOR ME!” before slamming the door shut and having a solid heart-to-heart with a tiki post he drunkenly mistook for Harrison. Deflated by his rejection, he hands the date rose to Rachel because he admires anyone who can rock a rhinestone nose stud. He hopes to cross that off his leap list by his 30th birthday. Rachel and her cowled neck are elated.

SECOND ONE-ON-ONE DATE
First Impression Lindzi manages to not be offended at being called up from the minors to secure the botched date with Groban. They ride a trolley, cut a bunch of people in line to get ice cream and roll through China Town. She thinks he is super cool when he pulls out his own set of keys to City Hall. They use flashlights to maneuver the tricky pitch black hallways. We can only assume the place was so dark because several people were scrambling to yank the “WELCOME BEN AND NANA’S GRANDDAUGHTER” sign from the balcony. At last! The lights finally come on! It’s a super special concert for just the two of them! Very cool!

Lindzi: “It’s your piano muse David Gray! Is that right?”
Groban: “Uhm. No. I think it’s the main guy from Train gyrating with a guitar! Let’s get him to play Soul Sister!”

Lindzi: “I don’t think so. It appears to be a Blake Shelton look alike! He sure is proud of his sexy singing face! WORK IT BLAKE!”
Groban: “Do you feel like this is an abnormally long time to have to wait to be told who is the somewhat familiar and trendy guy playing the guitar?”

The ABC intern rushes over to announce that Matt Nathanson is the super special artist nice enough to stage an impromptu concert in the privacy of City Hall on the exact week that his new album is dropping on iTunes. A quick Google search reminds you that he sings that “Come On Get Higher” song which remains in your head until this very moment. Groban is basking in Nathanson’s indie glory, happy that he wore his favorite purple plaid shirt and baggy Levis in lieu of a plain tee and grey skinny jeans. It was a solid choice and the time has come for him to aim his tongue at Lindzi’s mouth. A DIRECT HIT! And Lindz admits to never kissing on the first date. I guess the combination of Groban’s luscious locks and Matt WhatsHisName’s bedroom eyes was enough to for her to let her guard down.

Later, they hit up the local speakeasy. Luckily, this is our Bachelor’s home town and he’s cool enough to know people who know the password to get in, as well as the exact book to pull on the shelf that opens to a secret back room where patrons can learn about each other on a deeper level. Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

I was happy to see how Lindzi took all of our advice by toning down on the bronzer this week. Although there were definite signs of some citrus, she was not as tangerine as our previous encounters. She tells him the story of how she went to Dumpsville via text and Groban laughs the appropriate amount of time before toasting both of their failed relationships.

To top off the longest date ever, the pair use the fake keys to the city to legally break in to a piano store where Groban starts, I assume, playing Matt WhatsHisName since he’s clearly sponsoring this date. Turns out, I was wrong and he settles for an old stand by. Our indie heartthrob is found seething after listening in the adjacent secret room and immediately calls his lawyers. Groban checks off “play David Gray song on red piano” in his leap list journal.

Across town, Nana’s Granddaughter has sold a certain piece of Bachelor history on EBAY for $40 to the highest bidder. That should buy a few batteries for Nana’s hearing aids. Silver linings are cool.

ROSE CEREMONY
Across town, a headless girl wearing an orange top and Wilma Flintstone turquoise necklace calls Our Host Chris Harrison to let him know that she was moments away from the Fairmont. You can almost hear Harrison smiling as he recites the message from the cue card that reads, “You’re really going through with this?”

He ignores the producer’s hand written note that suggests he execute the line with a tone that conveys extreme concern and instead reads the line while simultaneously shooting both whiskey and pool, happy that the headless girl does not have his actual cell phone digits but a pre-paid phone his assistant purchased from Wal-Mart mere weeks before when he was pulled in on an emergency meeting that involved a stunt from Hotter Than Crap Brad’s season.

Back at the party, strapless dresses are hoisted, drama free nights are toasted and Groban arrives in his signature grey suit with a pink tie.

We easily deduce that Jennifer the Best Kissing Accountant is not a true red head due to the fact that she defies the cardinal rule of all genuine gingers…she wears a hot pink tank top with a clashing orange skirt.

Groban brushes his bangs out of his face and allows Jennifer to profess her “like” for the monochromatic Bachelor. She uses the words dreamy when describing his physical stature. He tells her she is by far the best kisser in the house. She blushes. With the bottled hair, flushed face and Pepto skirt, it was a bit of a hot pink mess, but Groban still chooses to test his theory one more time before letting her go. After literally smacking her face off, he pulls back to declare, “Yep. You’ve still got it.”

The faceless girl has finally parked in front of the Fairmont and is ready to reveal herself. Agreeing with IHGB commenter Jean from last week’s recap, I shouted at my television for Harrison to “BRING ON JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT!” (My how we easily forget.)

Instead, Shawntel the crypt keeper emerges wearing faded jeans and flip flops opposite her brightly colored tank and prehistoric jewelry.

Shawntel: “I was on the Bachelor a year ago and fell in love with Hotter Than Crap Brad. He couldn’t handle the fact that I pretended to embalm him during my hometown date and ditched me. It was actually a blessing in disguise. Sure I walked myself through the grieving process but then I read that Groban was going to be the next Bachelor and I knew I had to come here and force my fairy tale to come true. We’ve been to a couple of Bachelor-related reunions. He accidentally brushed up against me at a bar when he was trying to introduce himself to Cape Cod Chris. I totally felt a connection and I’m certain he did too. I don’t want to live a life of regret, so here I am.”

Harrison stands at the front door of the Fairmont looking both irritated that he’s been asked to personally handle this spectacular act of spontaneous inhibition and yet equally hopeful that at least two of the production assistants will be handing over a vintage bottle of whiskey from the Dalmore Distillery in Scotland when he collects on a bet that at least one girl will go down through means of physical contact or emotional duress my the night’s end.

OHCH: “Just so everyone is perfectly clear…Groban has no idea that you are here, correct?”
Shawntel: “Yes.”

OHCH: “And you have actually talked to this guy before and he will recognize you by sight?”
Shawntel: “I asked him for a piece of gum once. He didn’t have any on him.”

OHCH: “I’m sure you’d like to go upstairs and freshen up. Perhaps something loud and one shouldered. Nude shoes are mandatory this season. You understand.”
Shawntel: “I have the perfect, ill-filling outfit.”

Upstairs, Nicki has initiated a exhilarating game of “50/50 Chance” with our Bachelor. She asks gripping questions, such as “Red wine or white wine?” Groban writes and answer, she writes and answer and they compare cards. I can’t report on the outcome of the game because I was both a.) totally bored and b.) looking for the hickey I know I spotted on her neck earlier in the episode.

Courtney the Model thinks Nicki is juvenile, calls Jugs a boyfriend stealer and somehow becomes so aggravated with Lindzi’s mere presence that she has to leave the room. Emily diagnoses her with a social disorder known as “being so weird.” Then “Other Casey” whom you never, ever recognize pops into the shot and you laugh when your friend Jill applauds Casey’s bold fashion risk of wearing something straight from the Designing Women’s wardrobe closet. We laugh even more when it is discussed and confirmed that Suzanne Sugarbaker would not be caught dead in that hideous hot pink color.

It becomes apparent that the Fairmont and the speakeasy share an owner when Groban shoves the edge of a bookcase forward, uncovering a private outdoor balcony.

Courtney [read in baby talk]: “I missed yooouuuuuuuuu.”
Groban: “You’re hot.”

Courtney: “Do you like me?”
Groban: “You’re hot.”

Courtney: “Dealing with all this drama is so worth it to me and my future 15 minutes of fame.”
Groban: “You’re hot. Let’s make out.”

Courtney: “We’d make cute babies.”
Groban: “I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that because you’re hot.”

Groban tongue handles the model and she clearly pulls away playing hard to get. She’s totally not in to him and it is obvious to everyone but the Bachelor.

Enter Shawntel. Harrison tells her that he’s quite certain she must saunter through at least half of the women before stealing Groban away from Elyse the Personal Trainer. Shawntel is not scared and embraces the fact that she will be assaulted with f-bombs, whining, an abundance of SHUT UPs and various other verbal abuses. And there she goes!

Slowly but surely, little heads snap up from their never-ending supply alcoholic beverages when the strange girl enters the room. Whispers and murmurs slowly build until catty Samantha practically shouts, “WHO IS THAT?” In a matter of seconds, the questioning begins and rumors fly from lips of jealous contestants.

What is she doing?
Who’s that girl?
What’s happening?
Is it one of his ex-girlfriends?
How has no one recognized her yet?
Who told her to wear nude shoes?
Shut the BLEEP up!
Why is that weird funeral music playing on that old organ?
Is this a clue?

Finally, Jennifer the Great Kissing Accountant recognizes the mysterious party crasher as Shawntel, the funeral director from Hotter Than Crap Brad’s season. Groban utters a choice explicative of his own before sending the current brunette off to sit a few feet away with fellow stalkers Nicki, Samantha and Courtney.

Shawntel recognizes that she may appear crazy, but it in fact not a complete lunatic for taking her chances on love with a somewhat stranger. How is she different from that chick who was just sitting here whose name no one can remember?

Shawntel: “You don’t have to admit your feelings to me or say anything right now.”
Groban: “I probably won’t”

Shawntel: “I’ll be at the rose ceremony tonight. I hope you have feelings too and are willing to give me a chance and a rose.”
Groban: “I’m glad we spoke.”

He goes outside to collect his thoughts, allowing the cool breeze to blow through his mangled tresses. Shawntel introduces herself to the rest of the contestants. Nicki begins to hiccup between bouts of ugly crying and constantly whines about wanting a grilled cheese sandwich. Erika Esquire shoots low and thanks her lucky stars that Shawntel’s thighs are thicker than her own. Jugs McGee heaves her bosom in angst. Elyse the Personal Trainer will slug someone in the throat if a punching bag is not soon provided. Bangs thinks that draining people’s blood is creepy, therefore Shawntel must be creepy. Samantha wonders why Groban would want Brad’s sloppy seconds when she herself is vying for the sloppy seconds of Ashley. Courtney the Model threatens to walk and on a scale from one to 10, Jaclyn may throw up although she never actually gives us a number in order to gauge her likelihood of hurling. Clearly, the wheels have all fallen off this crazy train. It was glorious.

Harrison arrives in classic black, convinced that it’s high time to land the plane. He announces that the party is over and that the nice gentleman in the black cap will be placing them in position for the rose ceremony immediately. Along with Bangs, Lindzi and Emily, Groban bestows the first rose to Courtney.

Groban: “Hot Model? Will you accept this rose?”
Courtney [long pause]: “Yes. But I saw you talking to What’sHerButt and I don’t like that.”

Other roses are given to:
Kacie B
Elyse the Personal Trainer
Jamie the Nurse
Jennifer the Best Kissing Accountant
Other Casey
Jugs McGee
Monica
Nicki
Samantha

Harrison steps in to announce to Groban and the ladies that there is one remaining rose. Groban takes his sweet time lavishing compliments on Erika Esquire, One to 10 Jaclyn and Shawntel. Suddenly, Erika Esquire begins to feel a touch woozy and completely steals Groban’s thunder. I’m guessing that she didn’t follow the age old rule that you never stand at a rose ceremony, wedding or pageant with locked knees. She slowly begins to melt into the floor.

Woman down. WOMAN DOWN PEOPLE!

Everyone begins to talk at once, except Harrison who just sits back smiling, daydreaming about a certain beach, chair and tumbler of whiskey.

Are you anemic?
Did you eat anything other than dietary supplements they gave us?
Did you chase it with a few swallows of bourbon like Harrison taught us?
Can someone get her a pillow?
Why is Nurse Jamie just standing there?
Can’t she pull up her dress if it’s too tight to squat down beside the patient?
Why is Emily running around like she knows what she’s doing? She’s not a REAL doctor?

Shawntel calls dibs on the body if things go south, but Erika Esquire ended up being fine. Nothing a few saltines and some time with her head between her knees couldn’t fix.

Groban tries to milk the moment for all it’s worth, but it’s lost on Erika’s swaying body, Shawntel’s reality check and Jaclyn’s stink face. On a scale from one to 10, I think she’s leaving. He tells the remaining three girls that they are aces before sending them all home budless. Jaclyn storms into the bathroom. Esquire Erika is checked for a pulse before an intravenous line is inserted. Groban walks Shawntel out to her car to say goodbye. The two agree to be an alliance on the next Bachelor Pad before fist bumping and blowing it up.

Next week the gang travels to Park City, Utah for some horse back riding, water aerobics and genuine cat fighting! Sounds like fun!

Until then, I’m all about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

On a scale of one to 10, it might be awesome.