iHateGreenBeans | Blog of Lincee Ray http://www.ihategreenbeans.com Wed, 27 May 2015 04:32:12 +0000 en-US hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=4.2.2 ‘The Bachelorette’ recap: Hit me with your best shot http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/the-bachelorette-recap-week-2/ http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/the-bachelorette-recap-week-2/#comments Tue, 26 May 2015 21:32:25 +0000 http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/?p=7322 iHateGreenBeans | Blog of Lincee Ray
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Houston—we have a problem. Even though my city is mostly under water due to flash floods and endless raining, there was a sliver lining in the form of a brand new reporter on ABC13: I’m a weather freak. Translation? Weather freaks me out. It was nice to have John keep me company during the wee […]

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Houston—we have a problem.

Even though my city is mostly under water due to flash floods and endless raining, there was a sliver lining in the form of a brand new reporter on ABC13:

John

I’m a weather freak. Translation? Weather freaks me out. It was nice to have John keep me company during the wee hours of the morning as I curled up in a chair at my friend Emily’s house, shuttering with each lightning strike. And even though animals were marching two-by-two outside, I’m thankful that the electricity hung in there for the duration of The Bachelorette.

Otherwise, I wouldn’t have been able to fully experience the jack wagon known as JJ.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Instagram happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the twerking instructor who is obsessed with the fictional life of Jamie and Claire Fraser like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Last week, Kaitlyn clawed her way into the coveted position of season 11’s bachelorette. Then she spent the rest of the night frantically culling the list of suitors to the ones who look like Ryan Gosling or those who have a career in the realm of physical fitness. It was an emotional night. Choosing your future husband is hard work.

Just ask Britt. That’s right. I said BRITT!

Instead of checking in with Kaitlyn, the actual bachelorette, a camera follows Britt to her hotel to showcase the dramatic reject crying in camouflage. The crew is conveniently still there when Brady just so happens to knock on her door. Long story short—he digs her chili and wants Britt to be his girl. They hug, kiss, share an ice cream cone and then trade secrets about which tights are the most unisex of them all. Way to go Team Bratt!

Back at the mansion where the actual television show is filmed, Our Host Chris Harrison drifts into the sunken living room to drop the first date card. I ignore the zipper adornments on his shirt and choose to focus on the rich, purple color that brings out the sparkle in his dancing eyes. Joshua soaks in Harrison’s pheromones before reading off the names.

FIRST GROUP DATE
“I See This Ending With A Ring”
Daniel
Justin
Jared
Corey
Tanner
Kupah
Peter Brady
Ben

Here’s the first sentence I had in my notes: “JJ is a d-bag.”

I think we can all agree with that assessment. He makes me hate things. Therefore, I will not give his d-baggery another moment of my time.

Instead, I’ll talk about how teeny, tiny Kaitlyn looks punching a boxing bag in a big, creepy warehouse. Her hot pink gloves match her hot pink shorts, which match her hot pink lipstick. I’m sure Laila Ali wants to pat her head and give her tips on how to almost win Dancing with the Stars instead of teaching her how to spar. But that’s another show for another day.

The men walk in and immediately comment on how hot Kailtyn looks before being completely intimidated by Laila’s “basic technique” boxing class. Kupah geeks out with a sparring coach, Ben masterfully punches the air, Tanner looks like he’s performing the modified version of T25 and Peter Brady breaks a window with his jump rope.

Mom always said, “Don’t jump rope in the house.” COVER YOUR NOSE KAITLYN!

Most of the guys make small talk with the bachelorette while simultaneously punching bags. Kailyn complains that Kupah hasn’t even made an attempt to talk to her. Laila gives her a look that says, “Girl, please…” and then ushers the guys into an adjacent room so they can change into different colored shorts and Converse shoes. Kaitlyn creeps in the doorway checking out the merchandise. It was skeevy.

Harrison manages to scrounge up a gaggle of women in the warehouse district to come watch a prize fight where the winner receives the lonely heart of our bachelorette. Hare does not waste a minute. He summons Ben the Juggernaut and Daniel the Stinger into the ring.

The next few minutes were a blur. Consider an “Eye of the Tiger” montage, with unidentifiable men clocking each other left and right. Some punched hard. Others swatted with their eyes closed. Everyone knew Ben was the one to beat. Yet no one could have predicted that wiry Jared was such a force. The guys on the sidelines had a better chance betting on when Jared’s facial hair was going to fill in. Who knew he would take down Peter Brady and Kupah to face Ben in the finals?

Of course Ben almost rendered him unconscious and he was sent to the hospital due to a concussion, but props to Jared and his jaw of steel for making it that far! It was clear that Kaitlyn was more impressed with his athletic ability than Ben’s, but that didn’t stop her from calling Ben a “huge hunk of manly meat.”

Bachelorette

During her alone time with Ben, she learns that they both like to eat (you don’t say), cook and are close to their families. Ben shares that his mother passed away. Kaitlyn was distraught for him. She mentions that there’s something intriguing about Ben that she can’t quite put her finger on…

Soon it’s Daniel’s turn to sweep Kaitlyn away. I know what you’re thinking. Who’s Daniel? I’m sure he gets that a lot. He’s the one who looks like a metro version of Edward Norton if Edward Norton had a well-coiffed goatee and didn’t wear socks.

Danny escorts Kaitlyn to a couch and immediately dives into a story that sounds heavy. At the same time, a random guy in all black hands Kaitlyn a folded up piece of paper. There was a small tab which read “pull” and a drawing indicating “for your eyes only.” Dan graciously suggests that Kaitlyn read the note. He busies himself, trying not to eavesdrop. It’s too bad he didn’t have any socks to pull up at that time.

Kaitlyn smiles, puts her hand over her mouth, turns her head and giggles. She never says a word. It was extremely awkward and entirely rude to Metro Dan. It’s evident that he was annoyed when she excuses herself to “go take care of something.” He meanders back down to the other dudes and gives them the 4-1-1. Everyone wonders what emergency could have taken her away?

Naturally we are to assume that Evil Nick is about to crash the scene. Unfortunately, we will have to wait a few more weeks for that blessed event. Instead, Kaitlyn heads to the street to meet Jared. He’s not interested in returning to the cocktail party with her. Instead, he wants to make out on the corner like a couple of honeymooners in Paris. Kaitlyn compares the kiss to fireworks. (This analogy would have been SO MUCH BETTER if she had been kissing Peter Brady.) Oh—and there’s something intriguing about Jared that she can’t quite put her finger on…

In the end, the date rose goes to Ben. They make out after she pins on the boutonniere. The camera politely panned away before she was able to put her finger on what intrigued her.

ONE-ON-ONE DATE
Clint

I have to admit that this surprised me. I thought for sure First Impression Gosling was going to score this date, but Kaitlyn tells the camera that anyone who can draw Chris Harrison on a triceratops deserves some alone time. She drives Clint along the California hillside and I become concerned. Clint is not a talker.

Most non-talkers are introverts. And the last person an introvert wants to meet is the underwater photographer version of the sex guru from last season. She dresses the pair in fancy clothes, takes them through a few odd breathing exercises and then shoves them in the deep end of the swimming pool. According to Kaitlyn, underwater photos are all the rage now for engagement announcements. From lessons I gleaned during the photo shoot, all you have to do is hold your breath, let the guy “accidentally” grab your boob and smize for the camera. Once Kaitlyn learns to go under water without holding her nose, she’s a natural. Surprisingly, so is Clint! Each time they submerge, they get a little bit closer. At the end of the shoot, they are so close that they keep making out in front of the camera crew—right up against the side of the pool. I wonder what inspiration Clint will have for his drawing tomorrow?

Bachelorette

Kaitlyn is intrigued by Clint. There’s something about him that she can’t put her finger on. She gives him the rose so she can figure it out. He tells her that she took his breath away today. Cheesy line or not, SHE LOVED IT. I may have loved it too. Don’t tell.

SECOND GROUP DATE

Unfortunately, the beginning of this group date was interrupted by my boy John, warning me that there’s no way I would ever be able to brave the streets of Houston. He told me, “Don’t drown. Turn around.” And I listened.

By the time we return to our regularly scheduled programming, Amy Schumer is on the scene, giving comedy pointers to JJ, Jonathan, Healer, Joshua, Joe Kentucky, Ian and the Dentist. They have to improv in front of a live audience, and Amy has declared that it will undoubtedly be a massacre. The only two confident in their comedic abilities are the Healer and JJ. Surprise, surprise. JJ tells Amy that he’s too smart for 90% of the audience. It’s probably not the wisest move to mention that inaccurate factoid in front of a woman who stands behind a microphone for a living.

Ian is first up. He compares himself to the Old Spice guy. Then he talks about sweating and Juan Pablo. Wah, wah.

Joshua makes the audience laugh when he speaks and whistles at the same time. The cat calling comes later when he mentions that whistling isn’t the only thing he can do with his tongue. Wink, wink.

The Dentist takes an obvious approach—self-deprecation. Then he unbuttons his toothpaste-colored shirt for good measure. That move lands him a hearty hug from Kaitlyn and a standing ovation from Amy.

Kentucky Joe made fun of his accent. Jonathan worked the crowd. JJ was a complete door knob.

And then there was the Healer. I took the liberty of loosely translating his on-stage bit:

“I’ve been training for this my whole life. It warms my heart. Thank you for the opportunity to stand up here because I feel capable of anything. I’m in tune with my emotions. Each experience is a learning lesson. A lesson of love. And I’m guilty of love in the first degree. What we have here is a crazy little thing called love. That’s the power of love. This will be an everlasting love. All you need is love. Love is a many splendor thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. I was made for loving Britt. I mean Kaitlyn. I was made for loving Kaitlyn. What can I do to make her feel my love? My groovy kind of love? Because I love her. I honestly love her. Thankyouverymuch. You’ve been a great crowd.”

I beg of you, Kaitlyn—take this guy to the next round. All he needs is enough time to figure out the combination lock, and then it will just click!

Instead of journeying into her imagination with the Healer, Kaitlyn takes some alone time with JJ. He cries about how his little girl is growing up so fast. Then he goes in for a kiss which Kaitlyn was not expecting. It was awkward. To make matters worse, she THANKS him once he pulls away. Plus, there’s nothing about JJ that she can’t put her finger on. She’s the opposite of intrigued.

Kentucky Joe takes her out back and pulls a sideways “against the wall” Arie kiss. Kaitlyn melts into him, careful not to touch his spiky hair. He tells her that even if she wasn’t the bachelorette, he would have done everything in his power to pursue her. This intrigues Kaitlyn. She can’t put her finger on it, but there’s something about Kentucky Joe that floats her boat.

For some unknown reason, Kaitlyn gives the date rose to JJ. You know what that means…

ROSE CEREMONY

JJ takes his rose and shoves it in the faces of everyone in the mansion. To make matters worse, he totally reneges on the unofficial bro code that the dudes who didn’t get a date with Kaitlyn would get some alone time with her during the cocktail party. JJ adjusts his rose bud and immediately whisks Kaitlyn away so he can remind her who her future husband will be. I want to punch this guy in the trachea.

He apologizes, and then follows up with an honest, “But I’m not sorry.” While he lectures Kupah on how he didn’t come here to make friends, Ian takes Kaitlyn out the front door to tell her about how a car hit him once upon a time. Then he leans down, waaaaay down, and kisses her in the driveway. He needs to carry a ladder in the future. I’m afraid his back is going to spasm if he keeps bending down that far. She looks like a pocket person next to him.

Later that night, Kupah sits down with Kaitlyn and basically asks her if she feels any connection with him. Kaitlyn tells him that she thought he wasn’t into her because all he did during the boxing date was box. Kupah tries to convince her that he wasn’t comfortable during the date (unlikely) but at the same time it was very fulfilling. Clear as mud. Kaitlyn begins to bristle when he asks in a roundabout way if he’s there to fill a minority quota.

Kaitlyn tells him that she did think there was a connection—until that exact moment. Kupah back pedals, smoothing things over with the ill-timed, “I want to be here. You are pretty and sexy. And dope.”

Kaitlyn sends him away so she can reflect on what has just unfolded before her. Kupah heads over to the dudes and begins lightly trash talking Kaitlyn. Home Boy must have been pounding the clear liquids, because he never stops to think that SHE IS AROUND THE CORNER. SHE CAN HEAR YOU!

Kupah is surprised when Kaitlyn whips around a well-placed rose bush (way to go ABC Intern) to request a private audience with the blabbermouth. It’s time for him to hit the road. Kaitlyn says that it’s not fair to keep him when she feels that there is no connection. He disagrees. He wants to stay. She wants him to go. I want him to choose—suspenders all the way on, or all the way off.

The crew escorts Kupah to the duct tape on the asphalt that marks the place for the rejection exit interview. Kupah starts to verbally throw down with the camera man. He begins shouting exactly what he thinks the interviewer wants to hear. Inside, Kaitlyn sees him through the window and jumps up from her own interview to investigate.

Watch oot Kupah. This Canuk is aboot to invite you to kerfuffle, ya big hoser.

What did you think about the episode? Who will be going home with Kupah? Did JJ deserve a date rose? Do you think he’s a total door knob? Is this how you say Joshua’s name every time you hear it? Remember, this is a spoiler-free zone!

Also, if you have any quotes that you would like to suggest for the favorite IHGB line of the week, please email me instead of posting in the comment section. We’re going to give this a try until I can figure out a better solution for everyone.

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That time I met Our Host Chris Harrison http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/that-time-i-met-our-host-chris-harrison/ http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/that-time-i-met-our-host-chris-harrison/#comments Tue, 26 May 2015 04:47:48 +0000 http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/?p=7306 iHateGreenBeans | Blog of Lincee Ray
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It was a warm, Tuesday night. I was sitting in my red and white gingham chair, my TV recapping place, waiting for Undateable to start. As I scrolled through my Instagram feed, something caught my eye: Here’s the upcoming book tour dates and locations #ThePerfectLetter pic.twitter.com/bNJ9iMJ00Z — Chris Harrison (@chrisbharrison) May 19, 2015 I do […]

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It was a warm, Tuesday night. I was sitting in my red and white gingham chair, my TV recapping place, waiting for Undateable to start. As I scrolled through my Instagram feed, something caught my eye:

I do not live in Austin. But I know Some Guy who does. I immediately texted him an adamant “WE HAVE TO GO” message. Using all caps conveyed a sense of urgency that was met with a flurry of responses from both him and the Mrs.

We were all on board. The goal? Meet Our Host Chris Harrison, convince him to come out to the Broken Spoke honkey tonk with us after his book signing and become the best of friends.

If we believe, it will happen.

I ran to my closet to consider my wardrobe choices. I had to play this carefully. My outfit needed to say, “I’m totally awesome” without looking like I tried too hard. I decided on two of my favorite standbys—a summery orange top with white shorts or a chevron dress. Then I did what I always do in moments like these. I called Natalie.

I’ve learned that having a friend who makes people feel good about themselves for a living is quite a perk in my life. Before I even left for her house, Natalie informed me that I would not be wearing shorts to meet Chris Harrison. Noted. I arrived, eager to see which necklace/shoe combination she would choose for my dress. Upon seeing me in the dress, Natalie smiled graciously and pat me on the head before running to her closet to choose something way more cool straight off her own hangers.

We all need a Natalie in our life.

The next day, I made my way to the hill country. Some Guy in Austin (SGIA), Mrs. Some Guy and I grabbed a quick bite before heading over to Barnes & Noble. Mrs. Some Guy suggested we take a little time to figure out what we wanted to say once we were face-to-face with Our Host. SGIA did not need to think about it. He would invite Harrison to The Spoke and buy him a Lone Star. Case closed.

I was another story. Do I remind him of my name? Or iHateGreenBeans? If I say my name, he may think I’m a “Lindsay” vs. Lincee. That won’t help. Website it is. But what if he doesn’t know my website and just knows me by Lincee? Maybe I do lead with my name. A combo? Will I be able to speak? What if I get lost in his eyes? Will SGIA know to step in and be my wing man so I don’t look like a fool? Is it hot in here? What am I doing? What will he smell like? I have to remember for my readers! THERE’S NOT ENOUGH TIME!

That dialog was internal of course. My dining partners never knew I was on the verge of hurling. It’s now or never! Off to Barnes & Noble!

We arrived in two separate cars. Mrs. Some Guy and I entered the establishment first, carrying both books. When SGIA sauntered in, I shout, “HEY SOME GUY! I HAVE YOUR BOOK OVER HERE FOR CHRIS HARRISON TO SIGN!”

His face turned a shade of crimson that was soooo pretty.

We headed upstairs to a landing where about 40 people were sitting in chairs in front of a podium. We lingered in the back, but were quickly ushered by Joe Book Store into an overflow area on the side by. He told us that we will have a better view of Mr. Harrison from the side instead standing in the back. I casually asked him if he has seen Mr. Harrison yet?

Joe Book Store: Yes.
Lincee: What did he smell like?
Joe Book Store: Uh…I don’t know. Do you want me to go check?
Lincee: I’ll smell for myself. Tell him Lincee says hi.

Joe Book Store rolled his eyes and ran off to fetch our favorite host. Within minutes, he escorted Harrison through the crowd up to a podium. Harrison had noticeable swagger. The suit, no doubt from his own collection, fit him perfectly. His button down was open, with no tie, and his jeans were flawless. His tan was nowhere near Dancing with the Stars caliber (thank goodness), but was subtle and screamed, “Golf anyone?” His teeth gleamed, but not in a Ross Gellar way. His smile was mischievous and his eyes sparkled from 20-feet away.

Hello Mr. Harrison.

For the next 48 minutes, Our Host spoke about his new book, as well as the franchise. The majority of the evening was Q&A. Let the record show that Harrison never picked me to answer my Q,, but he did pick darling Emily (an IHGB reader!) who was standing right next to me. Emily asked the question of all questions:

“Are you dating anyone?”

A hush fell over the crowd. Harrison knew that if he even mentioned a previous bachelorettte whose name begins with “D,” he would have a riot on his hands. He said something generic and safe. Bottom line: He claims he doesn’t have time to date.

Harrison had us in the palm of his hand. He is as smart and witty as we all want him to be on the show. There were several times he had the audience laughing hysterically. Since I take my job seriously, and I know some of you need SERIOUS details, I recorded the entire exchange. I will share my findings in a post later this week.

After indulging his fans, Joe Book Store grabbed Harrison and serpentined him through the masses to a tall table in the back of the store with a wall of The Perfect Letter books behind him. A woman screamed for us to get in line based on the color of our wrist bands. Because Mrs. Some Guy is so savvy, she knew to come to Barnes & Noble BEFORE the event to secure a wristband so we wouldn’t be last in line. SGIA and I stood a few people back from the front of the queue. A woman made us write our name on a Post-It so Harrison would not have to waste precious time asking randos how to spell their weird names. I watched the people in front of me and became very nervous because the line was moving really, really fast. The PR ladies worked the line like there was no tomorrow.

Suddenly, it’s my turn. PR Lady #1 grabbed my phone for picture taking. PR Lady #2 grabbed my book and walked it over to Harrison. I followed my book. Harrison’s head was down because he was already scribbling “To: Lincee” before I even made eye contact. I chose this moment to transition into legitimate dork mode.

Lincee: Hi!

Okay, let me stop right there. I opened with “hi” because I didn’t know what to call him. Harrison was on the tip of my tongue, but it felt too casual. Mr. Harrison felt lame. So in a clutch decision, I decided to drop all names and just go with a generic “hi.”

Lincee: I don’t know if you remember me. I am the blogger? I Hate Green Beans?

Harrison’s head jerked up and he squinted at me. HE SQUINTED! Even through slit lids, I could tell his eyes were mesmerizing. I pushed through, even though my knees were a bit weak, and started to full on babble. The squint concerned me. Something wasn’t firing for him, so I kept rambling.

Lincee: You invited me out to Women Tell All a long, long time ago with Travis Stork?
Harrison: Uh-huh… (Still squinting, looking at my name on my Post-It.)

Lincee: I also came out to Women Tell All and was in the green room with Groban? You may know him as Ben?
Harrison: Right, right…

It was obvious that Harrison was trying to place me, but he couldn’t. Suddenly, I knew what’s stumping him.

Lincee: I wrote your book review for The Associated Press!
Harrison: YES! IT’S YOU! We were talking about you in the limo yesterday!

Shhhhhhhhhuuuuuuuuuuttttttttttt uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuppppppppppp.

Apparently, Harrison’s entourage was confused by my name. Was I the girl who wrote the AP review or the girl with the green bean blog? I’M BOTH! Harrison’s eyes were twinkling. I leaned against the table for support. SGIA may have offered me his arm. I’m not sure. The moment was too surreal and a little overwhelming. Especially when he wrote this in my book:

Chris Harrison

And if that wasn’t enough, Our Host says this:

Harrison: I thought you lived in Houston.

Shhhhhhhhhuuuuuuuuuuttttttttttt uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuppppppppppp. He knows where I live?!

Lincee: I came to Austin to have you sign my book. I’m staying with my friend Some Guy.

Everyone shakes hands and makes small talk. A HUGE THANK YOU to Mrs. Some Guy for snapping her own pictures of the blessed event, because PR Lady #1 was officially dropping the ball.

Chris Harrison

I handed Harrison an IHGB t-shirt to sign. He scribbles his name right under the logo.

Lincee: Great. Your autograph is directly on my right boob.
Harrison [laughing]: So sorry. You can tell people I signed your boob if you want.
Lincee: Thanks for the permission, Harrison, but I was already going to tell people that.

We hugged it out, snapped a few photos and I drank in his aroma. He smelled of tobacco, peppermint and adventure. Then we brooded once we learned Harrison had plans to paint the town with Hotter Than Crap Brad Womack. No doubt they painted it beige.

I tried to slip him my digits, but PR Lady #2 was watching me like a hawk. I decided for one more quick hug, sniff and then a hearty wave. I was a giddy mess after. This is me and SGIA after the meet-n-greet. You can’t tell, but he’s trying to get me to calm down.

Some Guy

The night ended with live music at The Broken Spoke. I danced. I sipped. I basked. It totally filled my bucket.

Thank you to Emily, Betsy, Noelle, Jane and KD for seeking me out at the signing. Meeting each of you was one of the highlights of the night!

Thank you Mrs. Some Guy for talking me off the ledge moments before entering Barnes & Noble, as well as taking so many pictures to document the night. I love this one of me and my BFF Chris Harrison solving problems of the world.

Chris Harrison

Thank you SGIA for a great after party.

Lone Star

And thanks to everyone who shared my excitement through social media. It’s a day I’ll never forget! Chris Harrison will forever be Our Host!

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Slink’s Links http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/slinks-links-38/ http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/slinks-links-38/#comments Fri, 22 May 2015 21:17:32 +0000 http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/?p=7301 iHateGreenBeans | Blog of Lincee Ray
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It’s been a big week for me. Not only did I get a personalized signed copy of Chris Harrison’s book, but I got to meet the man himself on Wednesday night. Thank you to all the love that was shared when I posted a picture to social media. If I close my eyes, I can […]

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Lincee Ray | I Hate Green Beans

It’s been a big week for me. Not only did I get a personalized signed copy of Chris Harrison’s book, but I got to meet the man himself on Wednesday night. Thank you to all the love that was shared when I posted a picture to social media. If I close my eyes, I can still smell him. Hooray for pheromones!

I’m working on a detailed post that will be up on Monday before the show. Until then, enjoy these links and have a happy Memorial Day weekend!

Justin Bieber bugs. Justin Bieber lip syncing to “Baby” by Justin Bieber is brilliant.

Mindy and B.J. co-authoring a book? Yes please!

This is a website that will tell you what your name would be if you were born today. Surprise, surprise—it didn’t work for my weirdo name. Y’all have fun with that. I’ll be over here using a Sharpie to write “Lincee” on a number 2 pencil.

This is a funny promo for Red Nose Day. I heart Seth Myers. And Emily Blunt.

I contributed to the TV obituaries on Entertainment Weekly Community. I talk about Wade’s abs.

I created a tribute to Hart of Dixie. I talk about Wade’s abs.

I also handled a few season finales this week. If you are interested in Castle, The Goldbergs or The Mysteries of Laura (don’t make fun…Josh Lucas is on that show!), I’ve included links.

Happy weekend!

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‘The Bachelorette’ season premiere recap, part 2: The most dramatic season ever http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/the-bachelorette-season-premiere-recap-part-2/ http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/the-bachelorette-season-premiere-recap-part-2/#comments Wed, 20 May 2015 13:53:58 +0000 http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/?p=7296 iHateGreenBeans | Blog of Lincee Ray
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I can say without a shadow of a doubt that Our Host Chris Harrison is absolutely right—this IS going to be the most dramatic season of The Bachelorette…ever. After watching the last six minutes of the show (multiple times), I’ve reached the same conclusion. From the looks of it, ABC will have to wrap the […]

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Bachelorette Kaitlyn

I can say without a shadow of a doubt that Our Host Chris Harrison is absolutely right—this IS going to be the most dramatic season of The Bachelorette…ever. After watching the last six minutes of the show (multiple times), I’ve reached the same conclusion. From the looks of it, ABC will have to wrap the remaining episodes in a plain brown wrapper and sell them by the register. Also, the ABC Psychotherapist is going to be working overtime with a line of crying dudes collected outside her door.

As a wise love guru once said, “Playas gonna play, play, play, play, play. And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.” The question is—will Kaitlyn be able to shake it off? Only time will tell.

Here’s what I was able to glean from this extra hour of The Bachelorette.

  1. Our Host Chris Harrison does not grasp the concept of “ripping the Band-aid.” When he approaches Britt to break the news that she will NOT be the next bachelorette, he precedes the truth bomb with a minute worth of small talk. Then he throws in a quick, “I’m just going to get right to the point.” Thirty seconds later, he’s offering to swoop a crying Britt’s hair as he walks her out.
  2. Britt takes the news well in front of Our Host, because that’s what Harrison would want her to do. Once she slides into the rejection limo and the sad piano music begins to swell in the background, all bets are off. Britt rides the struggle bus hard. Tanner’s tissues would really come in handy right now if her tears weren’t so imaginary.
  3. Harrison wastes no time telling Kaitlyn that she’s the official Queen Bach. And by “wastes no time” I mean he talks around the reality of the situation for a few minutes before bestowing the coveted label. She tries not to celebrate when Harrison tells her that he sent Britt home.
  4. For this entire exchange, it looked like one of Kaitlyn’s false eyelashes was falling off. When that didn’t distract me, I was staring at her statement ring—this season’s statement necklace or omnipresent scarf.
  5. Kaitlyn is so nervous that she threatens to throw up. Twice. If she’s this agitated now, can you imagine the chunks she’s going to blow when she enters a room full of potential husbands to tell them that she has already slept with one of their bros? #PoundingPepto
  6. Harrison offers to help Kaitlyn on the rest of her journey to find love. His first order of business? Getting her to read his new book, The Perfect Letter. (A review written by someone who has a working knowledge of the show and Our host Christ Harrison.)
  7. Harrison introduces Kaitlyn to the group as the new bachelorette. Ian, Joshua and Gosling are pumped. The others look like Tom Brady’s balls—deflated.
  8. Joshua pulls Kaitlyn away to give her the metal rose he welded. Because he took a hunk of iron and made something beautiful with it, Kaitlyn declares him a real man. (It’s as if the movie Steel Magnolias was never made.) Also, TEAM JOSHUA. PS: love his multi-colored gingham. Once again, TEAM JOSHUA!
  9. Justin the Helium Sucker scored a lot of screen time tonight. He was complaining. Ironically, it wasn’t about his wacky shirt/tie combination. He was irritated that the Team Britt dudes were quickly changing their stance to Team Kaitlyn. A smart move, in my opinion, since Harrison has just deemed her this season’s bachelorette. Tighten up, Justin.
  10. The Healer’s aura shifted from a cheery iridescent to a murky brown upon hearing that pulsating Britt was sent home. He claims that they are all drinking from the same fountain now (not an innuendo) and instead of standing in line to wait his turn, he’d rather go home to dig his own well. Sure, this analogy is incredibly random, but don’t blame him for being so upset. It’s been months since he had to wear shoes for this many hours in a row.
  11. Jared the Love Man admits that he voted for Brit. Kaitlyn respects his honesty and gives him a rose.If scenes from the upcoming episodes are accurate, she gives him a lot more than that. We don’t know if his incessant tears will drive her to drink. My guess is yes. Yes they will.
  12. Brady has felt more emotion in the last 24 hours (read: the entire time he’s been at the mansion) than he’s ever felt before. Sadly, these emotions are about Britt and not the woman standing before him. The singer/songwriter has no idea what to do with all these feelings. I’d say, “Don’t quit your day job, Brady,” but…
  13. JJ tells Kaitlyn that he has a daughter and he wants to know if she can handle that. Kaitlyn says that she would take him more seriously than the others and this validates JJ enough to “reset” how he feels about her. Kaitlyn shoves JJ to the top of the list for his honesty.
  14. Of course, JJ is quickly tossed aside when The Dentist comes around. He tells Kaitlyn that he simply can’t control himself. He suddenly leans in for a passionate, minty-fresh kiss. The eavesdropping dudes are surprised that someone not named Gosling has so much game. The Healer smiles and says, “You can’t judge a book by its cupcake.” Yes that didn’t make sense and OF COURSE I laughed hysterically. It’s clear that The Healer’s aura has changed to a chill green—the same color of the herbal refreshment he’s been enjoying in the bathroom.
  15. Declarations of love and bouts of long kissing engagements aside, Gosling wins the first impression rose, which is fitting since he’s crushing so hard. Instead of a passionate kiss like The Dentist, Gosling goes for the full on makeout sesh. Kaitlyn comes up for air and then dives back in. I wonder if he would write her a letter every day for a year if given the opportunity?
  16. Brady excuses himself from the rose ceremony to tell Kaitlyn that his heart is somewhere crying in a Ramada Inn down the street. Harrison swoops in and offers Brady the rejection van so he can win the rejected girl. Here’s hoping Brady and Britt make beautiful music together.
  17. Harrison really owns his paycheck. Not only did he bounce a drunk guy and count roses last night, but he kicks a girl off the island and then hand delivers her a reject. WHILE PROMOTING A BOOK. Move over Ryan Seacrest. There’s a new hardest working man in show business.
  18. Kaitlyn hands roses to The Dentist, Peter Brady, JJ, Kentucky Joe, Kupah, Daniel (?), the Non-Drunk Ryan, Joshua, The Healer, Clint, Corey/Cory, Jonathan, other Corey/Cory, Ben, Tanner, Ian, Helium Sucking Justin and Love Man Jared.
  19. Bradley, David, Amateur Sex Therapist, Brady, Drunk Ryan and the Stripper are all going home. But only Brady scored Britt’s digits.
  20. Because Mike Fleiss is an evil genius, NICK is back this season. He was Andi’s second place “winner” who asked her, “Why did you sleep with me?” on national television during the After The Final Rose. I hate/love this reality show.
  21. There will be many, many black modesty boxes for our viewing pleasure this year. Several will be utilized during a sumo wrestling match. Another is present as Kaitlyn’s presumable one-night-stand sneaks out of the hotel room and streaks across the lawn. That sentence is not an exaggeration.
  22. Kaitlyn admits to a rather large group of guys that she “went too far, too fast.” She further translates the obvious enigma by adding, “We had sex.” We’re not sure who put his rose in her box from the coming attractions, but my bet is on Nick.
  23. Ian accuses Kaitlyn of only being on the show so she can make out with a bunch of dudes. THEN SOMEONE LEAVES THE SHOW. Based on several rewinds, my guess is Ben or JJ.
  24. I think The Dentist experiences a nervous breakdown in the grass.
  25. So does Jared.
  26. And maybe JJ.
  27. And obviously Kaitlyn.
  28. It’s a good thing Our Host can point to page 133 in his book to explain how his lead character Leigh handled her devastation.
  29. My middle name is Leigh.
  30. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.

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‘The Bachelorette’ season premiere recap: You can put your rose in my box anytime http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/the-bachelorette-season-11-premiere-recap/ http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/the-bachelorette-season-11-premiere-recap/#comments Tue, 19 May 2015 17:43:00 +0000 http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/?p=7285 iHateGreenBeans | Blog of Lincee Ray
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You know it’s going to be a good season when in hour one, a healer tells a drunk, “You shouldn’t call them hoes.” If that doesn’t say WELCOME TO THE BACHELORETTE SEASON 11, I don’t know what does. And if you weren’t excited enough about the premiere of our favorite franchise, Mike Fleiss has decided […]

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Bachelorette Kaitlyn

You know it’s going to be a good season when in hour one, a healer tells a drunk, “You shouldn’t call them hoes.”

If that doesn’t say WELCOME TO THE BACHELORETTE SEASON 11, I don’t know what does.

And if you weren’t excited enough about the premiere of our favorite franchise, Mike Fleiss has decided to embrace his jack wagon ways by flipping the inaugural cocktail party on its side. Traditionally there is only one girl waiting for the parade of stretch limos outside the mansion, struggling to keep her evening gown train from becoming drenched after dragging it through the freshly sprayed asphalt puddles. This year, Fleiss gives the men the power to choose their bachelorette. Instead of the dudes vying to impress the lady with first impression tchotchkes and tales of overcoming odds, Britt and Kaitlyn must enter the arena together and fight for their right to party for the next six weeks.

Who will stand with a tasteful, yet understated accent table piled high with boutonnieres beside a man who is so talented, he can host a show and pimp a romantic novel at the same time? Who will have her hopes dashed, realizing that she was rejected twice on the same show in less than a year?

It’s time to duke it out ladies. We don’t need another hero. Welcome to the Thunderdome.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Instagram happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the twerking instructor who is obsessed with the fictional life of Jamie and Claire Fraser like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

ABC is desperate for you to reach the conclusion that Kaitlyn and Britt are very different people. Britt claims to be looking for a “best friend and adventure partner,” before insinuating that her competition is looking for a punch line. (I wish Britt was looking for a rubber band so she can cease and desist from swooping her hair around her neck. Someone fetch me Ashley I-Lashes genie charm.) Kaitlyn vacillates between the desire to either hurl or pass out from heat exhaustion. That’s understandable.

Fleiss places the women several feet away from each other on the shiny driveway. This small detail is devilishly brilliant. When the men exit the limo, they must choose which woman to approach first. It’s like Sophie’s Choice, but with tight-fitting suits and perfect teeth. Do you choose the one you like better to meet first? Or do you save the best for last?

As you can imagine, the first impression moments are extremely awkward. Some dudes try to talk to both of them at the same time. Some flat out gush over one bachelorette and then politely acknowledge the other. Once the receiving line dwindles down, both Britt and Kaitlyn are stung with the realities of insecurity.

Harrison strolls up to assess the emotional damage. He looks better than ever in a stylish three-piece suit. He smells of fine Italian fabric, intelligence and swagger. His piercing eyes drill into the souls of the women and he immediately tells Britt and Kaitlyn to suck…it…up. It’s time to hoist the boobs, freshen the gloss and prep the head toss/laugh combo.

Bachelors ready? Batter up!

Ben H./Peter
Age: 26
Occupation: Software Salesman
Hometown: Denver, CO
Disclaimer:
Let me go ahead and prepare y’all for what will inevitably happen. I will, without a doubt, call this guy Peter—as in Peter Brady from the wildly popular The Brady Bunch. I can’t help it.

Why you remember him:
Peter is smitten with Britt. He has a sponsor child and so does she! Peter considers this the perfect “in” for his alone time with Britt. Sadly, Britt was #TeamBobby and has no interest in sharing stories about how long she’s been writing to her kid in [insert country here.] During Peter’s time with Kaitlyn, he asks a simple question: “Tell me about your bird tattoos.” Kaitlyn laughs/head tosses, thanking Peter for his inquiry. The birds are doves—the only bird that knows how to fly back home. Doves are her spirit animal and the evil Farmer who left her to sweat to death before literally getting cock blocked by a rooster in Bali never once asked her the stories behind her body art. Peter feels really good about this exchange. As a middle child, this is an important milestone.

Ben Z.
Age: 26
Occupation: Entrepreneur
Hometown: San Jose, CA
Why you remember him:
Ben is one of the few featured in top-of-the-hour hometown packages. We learn that his mother died when he was 14, he tried out for the NFL and he looks really good running shirtless. The entrepreneur considers going on a reality show a big risk. He’s been looking his entire life for love. Can you imagine? Twenty-six years and no significant other to show for it. It must be excruciating.

Bradley
Age: 25
Occupation: International Auto Shipper
Hometown: Atlanta, GA
Why you remember him:
You probably don’t remember Bradley, per se, but you definitely remember his rockin’ red head band. He was holding a tennis racket and drummed up the solid, yet cheesy line: “This is a love, love match.” He definitely has potential.

Brady
Age: 33
Occupation: Singer-Songwriter
Hometown: Nashville, TN
Why you remember him:
Brady. Sweet, sweet Brady. He’s a singer/songwriter from Nashville who always has a melody in his head. This makes sense because the ankles of his pants are so tight, all the blood is pushed north. Brady zeroes in on Britt. He makes it his new dream to write songs only about her. He declares that they are MFEO. How does he know? Because on a scale from one to 10, she’s a billion. (Now is the time I would normally poke fun at this remark, but I’m sure “She’s a Solid Billion” is going to be a top-selling country hit in 2016, so I will refrain.)

Chris
Age: 28
Occupation: Dentist
Hometown: Nashville, TN
Why you remember him:
Outside, you remember Chris because he arrives in a motorized cupcake. (Yes please.) Inside, you remember his teeth. His white, white, white teeth.

Clint
Age: 27
Occupation: Architectural Engineer
Hometown: Chicago, IL
Why you remember him:
I have two words for you: TRICERATOPS HARRISON!

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Chris Harrison

Call me crazy, but I’m officially rooting for this kid.

Corey
Age: 30
Occupation: Investment Banker
Hometown: New York, NY
Why you remember him:
Corey lets Kaitlyn know that even though he’s not a farmer, he’d be happy to plow her field. She thinks this was hilarious. Britt discovers what the back of her head looks like thanks to a massive eye roll. Later, Kaitlyn admits to Corey that she’s infatuated with his dimples. I feel the same way about Jeff Probst.

jeff-probst

Let it be known that even though I would crawl up in Jeff’s dimples and take a nap if I could, Chris Harrison will always and forever be my Host.

Cory
Age: 35
Occupation: Residential Developer
Hometown: Pearland, TX
Why you remember him:
You shouted TEXAS when he exited the limo. Then you never saw him again.

Daniel
Age: 28
Occupation: Fashion Designer
Hometown: Nashville, TN
Why you remember him:
Yellow pocket square + dancing. That’s all I’ve got.

David
Age: 26
Occupation: Real Estate Agent
Hometown: Orlando, FL
Why you remember him:
[Crickets chirping.]

Ian
Age: 28
Occupation: Executive Recruiter
Hometown: Los Angeles, CA
Why you remember him:
How could you forget Ian? He’s a tall, tall drink of handsome water who whispers in Kaitlyn’s ear that he wants her to be the bachelorette. He’s smooth, confident and somehow is still able to run after being hit by a car, ending his track career. Thank goodness because he’s providing a public service when he runs down the beach. Hooray for abs!

Jared
Age: 26
Occupation: Restaurant Manager
Hometown: Warwick, RI
Why you remember him:
His chiseled jaw.
His Bieber hair.
His baby face.
His “Love Man” alter ego.
His “Love Man” alter ego t-shirt.
His “Love Man” alter ego t-shirt paired with skinny jeans.

JJ
Age: 32
Occupation: Former Investment Banker
Hometown: Denver, CO
Why you remember him:
JJ starts off strong. He hands Kaitlyn a hockey puck and tells her he’d like to puck her. Kaitlyn LOVES the fact that he is playing into her wheelhouse. JJ’s patience are put to the test when Drunk Ryan enters the scene. Suddenly, all funny bones are tossed out the window. JJ puts on his Former Investment Banker hat and tells the camera that Kaitlyn’s interaction with Drunk Ryan is a gross mismanagement of her time. He plays the hero, trying to rescue the Kaitlyn from Ryan’s roving hands. When conversation and words in general fall deaf on Drunk Ryan’s ears, JJ lies, telling him that the bar has a drink waiting for him. This tactic works on Drunk Ryan. #Squirrel

Joe
Age: 28
Occupation: Insurance Agent
Hometown: Columbia, KY
Why you remember him:
Let’s be honest. You remember Joe’s accent. And his millennial version of white boy Kid ‘N Play hair. You appreciate his thoughtful gift of moonshine (it does burn going down—trust me) and you feel that we should all intervene on social media, suggesting he put his dog on a diet. He could also pass for a country bumpkin relation to One F Jef. Call me crazy, but I like this dude.

Jonathan
Age: 33
Occupation: Automotive Spokesman
Hometown: Detroit, MI
Why you remember him:
Jonathan is the biggest Britt ambassador in the entire mansion. At one point, he loses the maroon dinner jacket and flat out campaigns for her to be the next Bachelorette. Then he wanders over to Joe to give him product tips on how to keep his hair nice and high.

Josh
Age: 27
Occupation: Law Student/Exotic Dancer
Hometown: Chicago, IL
Why you remember him:
You remember Josh grinding on a pole, grinding up against some Chi-Town actresses trying to get a SAG card and grinding next to Kaitlyn as he forces her to caress the rather ginormous rose tattoo that stretches across his abdomen. Sorry Josh. That’s a hard pass for Kaitlyn. Best line of the night: “He’s all yours Britt. You can have this one.”

Bachelorette KaitlynJoshua
Age: 31
Occupation: Industrial Welder
Hometown: Kuna, ID
Why you remember him:
You remember him because he is the best of them all! Who cares that his story is almost the exact same as The Farmer? He can weld roses for crying out loud! If things don’t work out, I might make a road trip to Kuna. If he doesn’t like green beans, it’s a match made in heaven!

Justin
Age: 28
Occupation: Fitness Trainer
Hometown: Naperville, IL
Why you remember him:
Justin sucks helium. The end.

Kupah
Age: 32
Occupation: Entrepreneur
Hometown: Boston, MA
Why you remember him:
Kupah is the rather large bald man who came in second place as the defender of all things Britt. If it doesn’t work out with the new Bachelor Bouncer, Kupah could totally step in.

Bachelorette KaitlynRyan B
Age: 32
Occupation: Realtor
Hometown: Wellington, FL
Why you remember him:
I do not know who this person is, so I looked him up. I’m pretty sure he didn’t say anything the entire night, but I do remember see him. I thought he looked like Andrew Rannells. That made me think about How I Met Your Mother. Then that made me think of the series finale of How I Met Your Mother. Then that made me think of how this show is in season 11 and that it may never end. And that made me happy. So thank you Ryan B. Thank you for lifting my spirits! I’m so sorry you have to share a first name with the tool box below…

Ryan M
Age: 28
Occupation: Junkyard Specialist
Hometown: Kansas City, MO
Why you remember him:
The ABC Intern knows how to handle drunk people. It’s obviously one of the many requirements listed in his job description. You simply get the inebriated to talk trash about the other people and then put them up on the top tier of the bleachers when it’s time to hand out roses. It’s called good TV. Sometimes the ABC Intern is faced with a drunk who chooses to man handle the women and destroy the long stem roses next to the ballot boxes. Never fear. Our Intern is trained for this. It’s best to politely suggest that the intoxicated one take a swim. Drunk people stripping down to their undies to go for a dip may be dangerous, but it’s also entertaining to watch. Especially if said drunk manages to fall on his face without spilling his beer. Can you say ratings? Then there’s phase three, where the drunk gets “white boy wasted” and picks a fight with The Protector JJ and The Backup Bouncer Kupah. You know it’s on when “how old are you?” is slurred. The bat signal is lit and Harrison is arrives to manage the situation. You could see the fear in Drunk Ryan’s glassy eyes when the ABC Bouncer summoned him from the sunken living room. He makes his way out to the driveway where a rose bush stands between him and Our Host. Should he walk to the left or to the right of the bush? “KISS IT LIKE THE HEALER,” I screamed. But Drunk Ryan didn’t listen and chooses to veer right, standing before Harrison to hear his fate. Clearly Drunk Ryan isn’t here for the right reasons (right reasons) and must be sent home in an unmarked van. So long Ryan. Make good choices.

Shawn B.
Age: 28
Occupation: Personal Trainer
Hometown: Windsor Locks, CT
Why you remember him:
Shawn B. is the clear front runner for both women. They thought he was hotter than crap and both commented on how good he smelled. I blame pheromones. Shawn has the hots for Kaitlyn and declares that it was love at first sight when he stepped out of the limo. Most of you think he favors Ryan Gosling which is fine, because that gives me a perfect reason to post this:

Ryan Gosling

Shawn E
Age: 31
Occupation: Amateur Sex Coach
Hometown: Ontario, Canada
Why you remember him:
Bless Shawn E.’s heart. Can I get an amen? He arrives in a hot tub car, dripping with gross water and insults of “you suck” from our resident drunk hiding in the same rose bush that confuses him later in the evening. Kaitlyn thinks Shawn E. was pretty funny. Britt begs to differ after the Sex Toy 101 lecture she receives. Will Britt heed his advice? Or will she wait for a professional sex coach to school her? Whatever happens, Brady will write a song about it. What rhymes with bowels?

Tanner
Age: 28
Occupation: Auto Finance Manager
Hometown: Kansas City, MO
Why you remember him:
I like Tanner. Britt does not, even though he gives her due diligence by gifting her with a package of tissues. Britt bristles, telling the camera that she doesn’t like being known as “the crier” from the season before. She later calls him out for the “low blow” because he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

The Bacheor Farmer

Second best Kaitlyn line of the night: “Did he give you soap or tissues?”

Tony
Age: 35
Occupation: Healer
Hometown: St. Louis, MO
Why you remember him:
You remember him because spiritual gangsters are hard to forget. Also, being a flexibility therapist is hard work. The verdict is still out on how he got that shiner. Could it be one of his patients? Retaliation from an innocent fern? Did he give a free hug to a germaphobe? The pieces of that puzzle have yet to fall in place. What we do know is that Britt’s chi is ricocheting off her box with such life energy that Tony can actually feel it pulsating. Even if he doesn’t wash or brush his hair, I hope he gets to stay. #namaste

THE BALLOT BOXES

Kudos to the ABC Intern for cutting out a rose silhouette in the top of the box so the flower won’t be damaged during casting. And a great big THANK YOU to Things Remembered for the sweet, brass nameplates adorning each box. What a wonderful keepsake to cherish forever! Kaitlyn and Britt will need a box for the many, many roses they will receive on special occasions. It’s nice to have a place for them to dry. That potpourri isn’t going to make itself.

Harrison walks into the voting room with the ABC Bouncer. Some of you have questioned why Harrison doesn’t have custody of the key to the ballot boxes. I assume that he can’t be weighed down by frivolous things like keys and wallets. He has an entourage for such things.

With that said, I’m happy to ask him on Wednesday night. I’ll be joining Some Guy in Austin and Mrs. Some Guy at the Barnes & Noble in the Arboretum for Harrison’s book signing. Come meet us if you live nearby. If not, I’ll make sure to take copious notes of how he smells.

I take my job very seriously. I trust you know that.

Thanks for reading. Get ready for another hour tonight when one bachelorette is invited to stay and one is escorted outside to sift through 10 of the night’s rejects. Good times!

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IHGB Movie Review: ‘Pitch Perfect 2′ http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/ihgb-movie-review-pitch-perfect-2/ http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/ihgb-movie-review-pitch-perfect-2/#comments Mon, 18 May 2015 16:47:28 +0000 http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/?p=7280 iHateGreenBeans | Blog of Lincee Ray
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Pitch Perfect 2
 Rated: PG-13 Starring: Anna Kendrick, Rebel Wilson, Brittany Snow and Elizabeth Banks The Trailer: The Gist: The Barden Bellas are back people. Grab your Madonna mic and prepare for a global riff off. My Thoughts: Anna Kendrick is my spirit animal. I love her. Rebel Wilson is HILARIOUS. Her interactions with Bumper […]

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Pitch Perfect 2

Pitch Perfect 2

Rated: PG-13
Starring: Anna Kendrick, Rebel Wilson, Brittany Snow and Elizabeth Banks
The Trailer:

The Gist:
The Barden Bellas are back people. Grab your Madonna mic and prepare for a global riff off.


My Thoughts:

  1. Anna Kendrick is my spirit animal. I love her.
  2. Rebel Wilson is HILARIOUS. Her interactions with Bumper are highly entertaining.
  3. Yes, there is another riff off, and YES, it is almost as life-changing as the first.
  4. German people are sometimes hard to understand when they are singing with such heavy accents.
  5. The main German dude looks good in mesh. His real name is Flula Borg. This makes me happy on so many levels.
  6. What do you get when you mix Snoop Dogg and Christmas carols? You get magic. Pure magic.
  7. Critics are saying that the song “Flashlight” is the new “Cups.” I disagree.
  8. Prepare yourself for very little Treblemakers screen time. This was one of the most disappointing realities of the movie for me. Jessie and Benji are barely featured.
  9. There’s a new girl named Emily (played by Hayley Stanfield) who is the new Beca. She’s lovely, but I’m not sure she could carry a franchise by herself, should Elizabeth Banks choose to make Pitch Perfect 3.
  10. I highly doubt Elizabeth Banks would dare make a trilogy without Anna and Rebel.
  11. There’s another new girl named Flo who is ridiculously funny. Sadly, every single one of her jokes falls under racial stereotyping. I’m not sure why this surprised me so much. The entire supporting cast wrestles with the same dialog. There’s the gay girl, the fat girl, the trampy girl, the dumb girl and the quiet Asian. With that said, there’s a palpable “girl power” feel to the unity of the group that makes me forget the labels. I want the Bellas to succeed both as a group and individually.
  12. That girl power vibe probably has little to do with the iconic Beyonce anthem “Run the World (Girls)” intro to the Bellas’ set at the world showcase finale. Please read that sentence sarcastically.
  13. I have four words for you: Green Bay Packers singing. That should have you running to secure your ticket right now.

Survey Says
:
Manage your expectations. It’s just shy of being as great as the original, but you will enjoy yourself immensely. You’ll appreciate the story, maybe a little more than the music. But let’s face it—you’ll download at least six of the 18 available songs. Then you’ll realize that it will only cost you a few more bucks just to go ahead and buy the entire album. And it will grow on you like moss on a wet rock.

Clearly I speak from experience.

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‘The Bachelorette’ season 11: Sizing up the dudes http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/the-bachelorette-season-11-cast/ http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/the-bachelorette-season-11-cast/#comments Thu, 14 May 2015 21:33:39 +0000 http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/?p=7253 iHateGreenBeans | Blog of Lincee Ray
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When I heard that ABC.com had finally announced the cast for this season’s Bachelorette, I immediately logged on to make make my preliminary choices based solely on appearance and the answers to a handful of questions. It’s important we make snap judgements in moments like these. Before I scrolled through an entourage of men who […]

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When I heard that ABC.com had finally announced the cast for this season’s Bachelorette, I immediately logged on to make make my preliminary choices based solely on appearance and the answers to a handful of questions. It’s important we make snap judgements in moments like these.

Before I scrolled through an entourage of men who looked the exact same as the one before, I marveled at the fact that we have trudged through 10 seasons of The Bachelorette. Just for fun, I tried to name all the preceding bachelorettes. You never know when this trivia might come in handy.

I wrote down my train of thought for your reading pleasure:

Tricia, brunette girl who didn’t choose hot Matt, Jen the Firestone girl, Ali of E! Television fame, I heart Roberto, Ashley and her sonogram, Canada girl, DeAhnna, Andi, Des, Emily.

Excluding the fact that I couldn’t remember Jillian’s name and that this list is not in chronological order, I’m proud of myself. If you ever need to phone a friend from a game show, and the question is about pop culture nonsense or ’80s trivia, I’m your gal.

Moving on.

This season’s crop of bachelors have definitely been filtered through a wish list. Britt and Kaitlyn have specific desires when it comes to their suitors. They want them tall, dark and beefy with extremely white teeth. Bonus points if your career has something to do with fitness or showing off your body.

When you visit the website, the cast is showcased in sets of three. I decided to choose my favorite from each strip. Each choice is based solely on knee-jerk attraction. Allow me to walk you through my process:

Bachelorette 1

Obviously my choice for this row is Ben H. Let’s take a closer look.

Ben H

Ben H. has a bit of a Peter Brady thing going on. For those of you wondering—that’s not a bad thing in my opinion. Upon further inspection of his bio, Ben Brady appears to be quite normal. He likes to hike outdoors, his favorite superhero is Batman and he admires Nelson Mandela’s grace. The verdict is still out if he likes pork chops and applesauce. One thing to note: he’s a baby. Kaitlyn and Britt Britt may want someone a little older. Another possible con: Ben never mentions anything about working out, CrossFit or personal training. Ouch.

Bachelorette 2

Bradley’s blazer makes me think that he probably gets annoyed when people call him Brad. And Brady’s hipster vibe means he probably owns a harmonica. Although I have a sweet spot for musicians, I’m gong with Ben Z. And it’s not just because I can probably see his smile from space.

Ben Z

According to Ben Z’s bio, he’s the same baby age as Peter Brady. He loves his mom (plus) and is a fitness coach. I’m not sure if that’s a coach of fitness trainers or just another way to say “fitness trainer,” but if you look closely, you can see the outline of manly pecs under that shirt. Here’s hoping there’s some hair on that chest!

Bachelorette 3

Clearly Chris and Corey are related. Both need to tone down on the lip gloss front. My choice is Clint.

Clint

Look, a blondie! Clint’s bio proves he is normal. In fact, he’s so normal that he might be shoved into the boring category. Only time will tell.

Bachelorette 4

Cory is cute. Daniel needs to shave. I’m going with David.

David

First of all, David looks great in red. Second of all, he needs to shave that soul patch monstrosity under his bottom lip. According to his bio, he loves his sister (sweet) and he plans on being a real estate mogul. I was on board until he mentioned wanting to be friends with Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt? Really? With all the Ryans in this world (Reynolds, Gosling) your ideal best buddy would be Brad Pitt? As someone who is (YET AGAIN) a baby in age, I’d expect Davey Boy’s bromance to land somewhere between the Ryans and One Direction.

Bachelorette 5

This was a tough one for me. Jared looks like he’s trying too hard to look like he’s not trying too hard. Do you know what I mean? Ian is attractive, but there’s something about the way JJ is standing that makes me want to click him. So I’m gonna.

JJ

JJ is a “former investment banker.” Okay…so he’s current jobless? Did he choose to give it all up to be a contestant on The Bachelorette? There’s a lot of talk about sacrificing in his bio, which makes me think that he’s probably divorced. He is in his 30’s (hooray!) and feels like he’s living in the wrong era. PS: he’s athletic and will probably dominate the sports challenges. I’m intrigued.

Bachelorette 6

It looks like Joe is trying to pull off the white man version’s of Jonathan’s hair. And Josh’s outfit makes me sad. Which to pick…which…to…pick…

Josh

Does this look like the face of an exotic dancer to you? It’s a tale as old as time—Josh strips to put himself through law school. He’s going to argue with everyone around him before he annoys them to death. FUN TIMES!

Bachelorette 7

Joshua. No contest.

Joshua

People, this is my pick! His bio is FUNNY. (His biggest fear is for his mom to come into a date, hold a Kleenex up to his nose and demand that he blows.) He’s an industrial worker. I’m not sure what that is, but it allowed him to climb Mount Kilimanjaro. He wants to find the woman God tailor made for him. Plus, PURPLE PLAID! I want Joshua to go far.

Bachelorette 8

I’m going with Ryan M. I’m guessing he’s a fitness something.

Ryan M

I’m totally wrong. Ryan M is a “junkyard specialist.” Uh huh. I guess that means he is that dude who finds treasures at garage sales? He’ll see an old barn on a road trip, stop, find the farmer who owns the land and haggle his way into buying old tractor spark plugs for $10 a pop. Then he’ll sale them on E-Bay for $100 each. I like this guy. Or, I like the guy I’ve made up in my head. We’ll see what he really does for a living.

Bachelorette 9

Shawn E is rockin the man necklace. And Tanner is kickin in his plaid. But I’m going for Tony, hoping that his hair will be cut before the show.

Tony

I take it all back. Tony lists “healer” has his occupation. They need long hair so it can blow in the wind. He also uses the phrase “hella rich” in his bio. I want this dude to go far.

Now it’s your turn! Who are your picks? Who will get through round one? With so many personal trainers, will the testosterone dominate the rose ceremonies? Or will they all becomes bros and spot each other lifting weights? Sound off in the comments section and I’ll see you back here MONDAY for the season premiere!

 

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Dancing with the Stars recap: Semi-finals http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/dancing-with-the-stars-recap-semi-finals/ http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/dancing-with-the-stars-recap-semi-finals/#comments Tue, 12 May 2015 15:19:04 +0000 http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/?p=7248 iHateGreenBeans | Blog of Lincee Ray
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We are down to the nitty gritty of this competition with four contenders who have a legitimate shot securing bragging rights as a first-place winner on Dancing with the Stars. Plus, he or she will get a tacky mirror ball trophy as a keepsake! #Winning. Sure Tom Bergeron still hasn’t processed through his emotions regarding […]

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Dancing with the Stars

We are down to the nitty gritty of this competition with four contenders who have a legitimate shot securing bragging rights as a first-place winner on Dancing with the Stars. Plus, he or she will get a tacky mirror ball trophy as a keepsake! #Winning. Sure Tom Bergeron still hasn’t processed through his emotions regarding Willow’s absence from the semi-finals, but there’s no time to mope. Our JV dancers have to promote the heck out of this summer’s tour.

Someone get the lobster outfit. It’s showtime!

Let’s talk about that opener for just a moment. A small part of my East Texas upbringing perked when I spied the JV girls in square dancing attire! Forget that they paired the skirt with fancy bras. My point is that no one wears a petticoat that big unless they are about to do-si-do a partner. Let’s promenade this business!

You can imagine my surprise when Mark Ballas pops up with a bowling ball? I’m not going to harp on his cracked out version of the Riker hair swoop. I’d rather brood about my square dance number that suddenly looks a lot like a jive. Sad face.

After the JV team flicks their way across the stage, Tom reminds us that each contestant will perform two dances. One will be the judge’s choice. The other will be something that will make the audience feel things—encouragement, pain or all hot and bothered. (PS: that last one is not Len Goodman in case you were wondering.)

Let’s see the scores!

Rumer and Val
Viennese Waltz
“Earned It” by The Weekend
What we learned in the “She deserves to be here” package:

Demi Moore calls her daughter her “magical elf,” her sisters are her biggest allies and according to a byline below her face, Glen Close is Rumer’s good friend. You learn something new every day.
The Dance:
Val suits up and goes all 50 Shades of Gray on Rumer, who is clothed in a glorified version of a white bed sheet. Her old lady shoes really ruined the ensemble. She should have gone barefoot. It was sultry and bordered the line of PG-13 and straight up R-rated. They flirt with the idea of kissing about 19 times, but never actually do kiss. We almost see Rumer’s nipple at the end of the piece. I’m not sure if this was by accident, or if she was just trying to stay in character.
Score: 38

Noah and Sharna
Viennese Waltz
“The Time of My Life” by David Cook (No, not THAT version.)

What we learned in the “He deserves to be here” package:
Noah’s mom is so happy he is alive. So are his good friends William Shatner and Darius Rucker. You haven’t lived until you sit at a bar to discuss life, love and other mysteries with the Priceline guy and Hootie.
The Dance:
Noah rocks a brown suit. Sharna does what she does best—floats around him doing things that we didn’t know were possible. The judges hold hands and cry. Upstairs, Erin pushes Noah’s fiance into the spotlight so he can get down on one knee to propose. Once again, she jumps on him and I flinch, thinking, “HE’S GOING DOWN!” But Noah is a freaking beast and easily catches her, stands up and makes women everywhere reach for the phone to vote for him. The audience cries and grabs their hearts through their chests.
Score: 38

Dancing with the StarsRiker and Allison
Contemporary
“Work Song” by Hoozier
What we learned in the “He deserves to be here” package:

Riker’s entire family has bleach blond hair. He was a Warbler on Glee (when it was cool to be on Glee) and his very good personal friend MICHAEL FREAKING VARTAN (one of my two boyfriends from Alias) thinks he can win this competition.
The Dance:
Question: Where did all the chalk dust come from in the opening seconds of this performance? Was it in his hands? In Allison’s hands? Did they dip his shirt on a chalkboard tray from the ‘80s?

Moving on. Allison and Riker fling and flail all over the floor. There was an intricate back sliding thing, a twirly thing and lost of “will they or won’t they?” kissing moments. Carrie Ann yells at him, but in a good way. Julianne can’t speak, but in a good way.
Score: 40

Nastia and Sasha
Quickstep
“Feelin’ Good” – not by Buble, but Christina Grimmie
What we learned in the “She deserves to be here” package:

Nastia, or Princess Anastasia as her parents call her, grew up in the gymnastics world and was forced to leave it after a face plant off the uneven bars. She has no television or musical icons who are her best friends, but Nadia Comaneci thinks she’s in it to win it.
The Dance:
Sasha and Nastia whip around the dance floor in a blur. At one point they even execute a double cartwheel, somehow holding hands! The best part was that Derek did not work himself into the routine. Such will power! Everyone made sure to tell Nastia that she was more than just a gold medal gymnast. And for the first time, we saw her get emotional.
Score: 40

During intermission, Tom pimps out the summer tour again, reminding everyone that America’s favorite rejected bachelorette will be a headliner. That’s right, Melissa Rycroft is coming to a mid-level auditorium near you!

Back to the competition!

Bruno’s Choice: Rumer and Val
Contemporary Fusion
“Swan Lake”

First of all, I love that Bruno has a tricked out trailer in the studio parking lot. I also love that he wants Val to be shirtless in his contemporary fusion piece. (Can I get an amen?) But what is contemporary confusion? I’m glad you asked, because I have no idea. I think it’s throwing all types of dance into a blender and then seeing what comes out. Typically, it’s a brownish mess, but you taste it anyway. That’s exactly how I felt about this piece. Bruno did a HUGE disservice to Rumer and Val by making them throw in ballet elements. He has an Eastern European hot dude standing right in front of him. LET HIM DO WHAT HE DOES BEST.

The ending was saved when Val Patrick Swayze’d Rumer right up into the air. I’ve attempted this move more times that I care to admit. “The lift” is HARD. At this point, Val knows their dance just plain sucked. So he gives Tom butt a love pat and heads up to find out his score.
Score: A perfect 30 (please)

Dancing with the StarsCarrie Ann’s Choice: Noah and Sharna
Pasodoble
Severe Latin Music

Carrie Ann pours herself into this pasodoble, enlisting the talents of four other JV dudes to help her choreograph a routine where the chorus boys simply hold up Noah so he won’t fall. Then she removes their shirts and puts them in Malificent head gear. This is a metaphor for grabbing life by the horns, but doing it extra carefully because you don’t want the wardrobe department to be mad at you.
Score: A perfect 30

Julianne’s Choice: Allison and Riker
Argentine Tango
Song: The McDonalds Piano Recital Commercial from the 80s

Julianne is ready to help her cousin win this thing, no matter what it takes. In fact, she’s going to insert herself into the dance because if you have Hough DNA, you can’t help it. The performance started off as a simple game of keep away with a hat, but then kicked into a high energy “which girl will win his heart.” Jules leaves the stage and lets Allison do her thing as laser beams threaten to burn their corneas.
Score: A perfect 30

I’m sensing a trend…

Len’s Choice: Nastia and Sasha
Viennese Waltz
A live version of “Falling For You” by Leela James (because that’s fair)

Derek throws all caution to the wind. Who cares if he has a bum foot? He’s going to recreate Len’s glory days from 1973. Arthritis be damned! Derek’s choreography matched the music perfectly. It was billowy and dreamy. And when sweet old crotchety Len floats out for the final moments of the dance and dips Nastia before mugging the camera, I may have shed a tear or two. LOVE.
Score: A well-deserved perfect 30

Who will be voted off tonight? Who are you rooting for? Do you think Rumer has a shot after her terrible dance? Was 50 Shades enough to save her? Will Derek power through and dance the finale if Nastia makes it? Can we really to think of a celebrity friend for Nastia? Let’s hear what you think in the comments section!

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Happy Mother’s Day Mama http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/happy-mothers-day-mama/ http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/happy-mothers-day-mama/#comments Mon, 11 May 2015 16:24:38 +0000 http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/?p=7242 iHateGreenBeans | Blog of Lincee Ray
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In honor of Mother’s Day, I dug out an oldie but goodie from several years back. Enjoy! This is my mom Linea. To answer your question—yes. She always looks glamorous. And no—she was not wearing a giant floppy beach hat for an impromptu Kentucky Derby party. This is typical accessorizing on a Tuesday afternoon for […]

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In honor of Mother’s Day, I dug out an oldie but goodie from several years back. Enjoy!

This is my mom Linea.

To answer your question—yes. She always looks glamorous. And no—she was not wearing a giant floppy beach hat for an impromptu Kentucky Derby party. This is typical accessorizing on a Tuesday afternoon for Linea.

She loves hats, sunglasses, earrings, scarves, belts, purses, necklaces and any kind of hair flair that exists. Let the record show that she was wearing feathers about a year before feathers became the thing. She’s not afraid of fashion. Need proof?

I believe this particular morning, the East Texas temperature had dropped to a frigid 68 degrees. Daddy and I were fishing and invited Mama to join us. This is how she showed up. Along with a Diet Coke, snacks and a blanket. The picture was taken after she ditched the sweater coat and what you can’t see are her brightly colored rain boots. That flannel shirt and Eskimo hat were soon discarded as well. We were left with Mama fishing in her grey Victoria’s Secret nightgown that was purchased as a Christmas present for her when I was in college.

Mother is notorious for never throwing anything away. I can confirm that she still owns tube tops from the 70s and once was caught sun bathing in an old drill team leotard of mine because she couldn’t find her  swim suit. My sister Jamie and I have tried intervening on several occasions. Sometimes we are successful. Sometimes we are not. This is a recent conversation about a time when we were not.

{Phone ringing}

Mama: “Hello?”
Me: “Hi Mama! What are you doing?”

Mama (laughing): “Why? Did Jamie call you and tell you what happened?”
Me: “No. What happened?”

Mama: “Well, it all started when I couldn’t find my scrunchie…”
Me: “You’re what?”

Mama: “You know. My hair scrunchie. So, I was sitting at the table when I heard…”
Me: “I’m sorry Mother. I’m going to have to stop you. Just so I get this straight—you have lost a hair scrunchie? Like what we wore in our hair in the 80s? That kind of hair scrunchie?”

Mama: “Yes. So I was sitting at the table…”
Me: “Wait. I need to understand. Where did you get a scrunchie?”

Mama: “From one of the drawers in the upstairs bathroom.”
Me: “Okay. Assuming you found it in the plastic baggie where I kept my old sponge rollers and Bobcat cheerleader bows, it’s highly possible that this scrunchie is more than 20 years old.”

Mama: “You’re probably right.”
Me: “Why are you wearing a scrunchie? Please tell me it’s because you used it to pull back your hair when you take off your makeup at night.”

Mama: “I’ve been wearing the scrunchie for several months. In a low side pony tail. I don’t know what the big deal is? Let me finish telling my story!”
Me: “No. No, no, no, no, no. Woman…you can NOT wear a hair scrunchie in public again. Are you listening to me? STEP AWAY FROM THE HAIR SCRUNCHIE.”

Mama: “Well if it’s so bad, why did you still have it upstairs in the drawer? Why didn’t you just throw it away?”
Me: “Because I may need it during an 80s-themed party or if I ever dress up like that chick from Napoleon Dynamite, okay? Seriously Mama. There are so many cute ways to pull your hair up now. Don’t settle for the scrunchie.”

Mama (irritated): “SO THERE I WAS, sitting at the table, when I heard this weird coughing sound coming from the dog. I knew he was about to throw up, so I was trying to usher him out the door. And then I saw this horrible black thing coming out of his mouth! It was my scrunchie! Creede hacked up my scrunchie!”

I pulled my car off to the side of the road so I could properly laugh. For about 10 minutes. Mother was explaining in great detail the rest of the story, but I missed most of it so I could wipe the running mascara from my eyes.

Me: “Wow. Even the dog knew it was uncool for you to be wearing a hair scrunchie, so he took matters into his own hands. Did you wash the scrunchie so you could use it again?”
Mama: “Why does everyone keep asking me that? Of course I didn’t. I threw it away. I still have a gold lamé one that I wear when I’m feeling fancy.”

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Slink’s Links http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/slinks-links-37/ http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/slinks-links-37/#comments Fri, 08 May 2015 18:32:24 +0000 http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/?p=7238 iHateGreenBeans | Blog of Lincee Ray
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My morning was manic. Purchasing Garth Brooks tickets is a daunting task. Don’t worry, I plan on providing you a moment-by-moment recap on what went down in the TWO HOURS leading up to the blessed confirmation. I’m shameless that way. (See what I did there?) Enjoy these Friday links and have a wonderful weekend! Happy […]

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Lincee Ray | I Hate Green Beans

My morning was manic. Purchasing Garth Brooks tickets is a daunting task. Don’t worry, I plan on providing you a moment-by-moment recap on what went down in the TWO HOURS leading up to the blessed confirmation. I’m shameless that way. (See what I did there?)

Enjoy these Friday links and have a wonderful weekend!

Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there. Mother’s Day DreamIs this anything like what your Sunday morning will be like?

This cancer survivor made her own line of honest empathy cards. They are hilarious. And eye-opening at the same time.

Here are the biggest box office hits and misses predicted for this summer. I will be watching all of them because I can’t help myself.

Did you celebrate the Kentucky Derby by wearing a kicky new hat? Check out the best looks from this gallery.

The Big Bang Theory’s finale ended with a HUGE SHOCK!
Undateable celebrated a live show and it was EPIC!
The season finale of New Girl ended with a BIG MOMENT!
It’s still weird to see Jeff recite my words on Reality Remix. I mean WEIRD. Here’s episode 4.

Have a great weekend everyone. See you on Monday!

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