First Glance: Juan Pablo’s Ladies
As most of you know, head shots of the ladies vying for el corazón de Juan Pablo is on the ABC website. As with every year, upon first glance the contestants appear to look similar. We will be hard pressed to keep all the “A” names separate. Oh, and this year’s statement necklace is the feminine tank top. Never fear. It’s not THIS feminine tank top.
After casually perusing the catalog, I settled on five girls who made an impression on me based solely on information collected from their brief bios. These are by no means my pick for the final rose holders. My money is on the one chick who was bold enough to wear bangs. You go Bangs!
Cassandra’s occupation is former NBA dancer. Interesting. I’m a former Jungle Cruise Skipper, yet Disney has never sent me a check since I hung up my monochromatic khaki uniform 15 years ago. She publicly confesses to being “slightly afraid of heights.” Fifty bucks says the Former NBA Cassandra’s name is on some sky diving list right now. She also admits she LOVES when her date holds her hand. When asked about what turns her off on a date? “When he doesn’t hold my hand.” Bless her heart.
Chelsie is a science educator. One of her fellow contestants is a first grade teacher and another one is a grade school teacher. Yet Chelsie lists her occupation as a science educator. If I had to guess, I’d say she was the girl who stands in front of the aquarium tanks and tells you about the fish swimming around. Or she’s in charge of that big metal ball that sticks your hair up at the Children’s Museum. Her favorite author is J.K. Rowling which I totally get and agree, but I’m smart enough to know that you are supposed to lie in situations like these and go with something a little more cerebral. That being said, she may be going for the obvious connection with his kid. “Your daughter loves Harry Potter? I LOVE HARRY POTTER! My Elf on the Shelf is named Doby!”
Danielle is a psychiatric nurse. She has just surpassed Bangs as my favorite contestant. I can’t wait for her to sidle up next to Our Host Chris Harrison at the cocktail parties so they can snicker about all the ladies who can’t seem to hold their liquor. And I’m REALLY looking forward to seeing how many anti-depressants she prescribes during the season. Bonus points if she can manage to roofie the champagne toast with Zoloft.
Kelly’s occupation is listed as dog lover. Come on ABC. I’m sure this means that she is a veterinarian or has a dog grooming business. But to label her career as a lover of canines just begs me to make jokes about Juan Pablo being a dog. She also finds Eat, Pray, Love inspiring which makes me question her book choices. Has she never read
the Divergent series Mark Twain?
Lucy is a free spirit. I’m not sure what that means, but free loader comes to mind. She is outgoing, ambitious and adventurous. She is neither a city nor a country person, claiming the ocean as her environment of choice. She also name drops Kate Upton as her “best friend” and flat out admits that she likes being the center of attention because she deserves to be there. I dare someone to steal her sparkle. She once organized a 50-person, fully nude dance party on a beach in Mexico because that’s what free spirits do. She will go far. And my eyes may permanently stick to the back of my head every time she’s on screen. Fabulous.
What did y’all think? Did anyone else stick out to you? Sound off in the comment section!