Thanks to everyone who has texted, Facebooked, tweeted, emailed, carrier pigeoned and called me to ask about my recovery. Let’s just say that I should not be trusted to write on my own. I would probably choose highly inappropriate or random topics that make little sense to anyone other than my medically altered brain right now. Just know that if it were possible, I’d marry hydrocodone. I’d be a bumbling idiot, but I’d certainly be funny all the live long day.

With that said, I’ve recruited my friend Elaine to write about our adventures Monday night. We saw Breaking Dawn and it was Breaking Yawn in my opinion. Of course if there is a word that rhymes with “dawn” and is described as “painfully funny in a bless-your-heart kind of way,” I’d prefer that adjective.

And yes…I’m still Team Jacob. The shirt came off less than five minutes into the show. That’s smart directing people. On with the recap!

FROM THE DESK OF ELAINE
Today is my birthday, a day to be spent on frivolous things, a day to appreciate life. So, I packed up four girlfriends, threw back some Mexican food and headed to the latest installment of the Twilight Saga.

Breaking Dawn unfolded like a bad Telenovela with terrible acting, loud music directing every one of our emotions and a vast array of pajama jeans worn by the lead actress. This classic battle between gangs on different sides of town has been played out again and again. Breaking Dawn features The Greasers with Fur vs. the Extremely Pale Socs. (Socials) For the third installment, Kristen Stewart has perfected her multi-syllable sigh and lip bite. Taylor Lautner got his lonely ware wolf howl pitch perfect and each member of the cast seemed to regress in their acting skills.

Moviegoers in my theater were unabashedly laughing out loud. I was not expecting Citizen Kane, but what I got was the tale of a vampire impregnating a human who almost dies giving birth but is saved by her vampire husband gnawing on her like a McRib.

Will I see part 2? You bet I will. How could I stay away?