Meet Hannah’s Bachelors!
I want y’all to know that the book has taken a backseat, thanks to the announcement of Hannah’s bachelors. I’ve been waiting for the official bios for what feels like months and now they are finally here!
After an initial perusal of the men, I have questions. Lots and lots of questions.
What are they? I’m glad you asked.
What’s up with the hero hair? And what’s up with the severe part? I SEE YOUR SCALP, JOEY. Additionally, where are the blonde ones? When producers asked Hannah what she wanted in a man, did she forego mentioning “has a real job ROLL TIDE” in lieu of “must be a brunette ROLL TIDE?”
And why do the majority of the dudes look like they haven’t slept in days? Shouldn’t these dapper young suitors appear in his freshest and friskiest form since the formal promo shots will be plastered all over the ABC website? Or did Mike Fleiss mix things up this season with post-cocktail party pics?
And where’s the color? Not in the skin tone, mind you, but in wardrobe choices? Would it kill these guys to wear something on the blue side of the color wheel? Should we assume that an Army green Henley was in each of the welcome gift bags strategically placed by the bar?
Hopefully these questions will be answered next week when Hannah begins her journey to find love with a non-yellow-haired man.
Let’s meet the guys!
Upon first glance, Brian looks like a high school bully in a Disney show featuring a wacky set of twins. If you get to know the guy, you would discover that just because he loves math, doesn’t mean he doesn’t know how to have fun. The dude’s favorite holiday is Flag Day. So cool!
Okay, so I just looked up Flag Day and it is, indeed, an actual holiday. It commemorates the adoption of the United States flag on June 14. What can we deduce from this information? Brian is both a geek and patriotic. That’s my sweet spot.
His bio also mentions that he loves a good pun, is a sarcasm enthusiast, and likes to sing karaoke until he loses his voice. Here’s hoping Brian’s icebreaker features him telling her that he’s an Alge-bro before busting out with a sarcastic version of “This Land Is Your Land” as he waves an American flag.
You probably remember Cam from After the Final Rose. He’s the one who (unfortunately) rapped a rhythmic greeting to Hannah, resulting in the first rose!
I’ll say it. He looks like a librarian, albeit, a bad boy version with a rugged leather jacket. But Cam is anything but reserved and quiet. He a self-proclaimed life of the party and dance floor king.
Interesting. He’s a rapper who likes to dance when he’s not selling software in Austin. I pray with all my heart that someone challenges him to a dance off in the sunken living room of the mansion on night one. I also pray that he never raps on national television again.
My boy Cam claims The Notebook is his favorite movie of all time, to which I call BS. I’d bet fifty bucks it’s Electric Boogaloo, Step Up or Step Up 3. (Everyone knows Step Up 2 was a joke.)
Ann Arbor, MI
Here’s the deal: We have a couple of pilots in the lineup, which means ABC is doing their best to try and scrub from our memories the last pilot who tried to find love on The Bachelor. Has Jake Pavelka polluted all of the airborne uniformed men in the world? Or has enough time passed to help us not roll our eyes when we hear that name?
Chasen seems great on paper. He watches The Bachelor with his mom and gave his sister a necklace from Tiffany & Co. when his girlfriend dumped him. If anything, he might be a little too quiet and too normal to catch the eye of our bachelorette.
Plus, he’s not southern. No offense, but that will be a strike against him.
Newport Beach, CA
After reading Connor J’s bio, I can report that he is nice. But will nice get him beyond week three? Some will argue, “But he’s a gentleman!” That’s great. But you don’t get a cookie for opening the door for a lady.
His one claim to fame is that he’s been to 40 of the 50 states. Can you imagine the glee in his eyes when Harrison takes them to Wisconsin to participate in a cheese wheeling competition? I can see him now, pulling out his handmade US map and colored pencil, ready to mark off one more state.
Is it wrong that I am rooting for this to happen?
Connor S. is a travel junkie. His family is very important to him. In fact, he’s ready to start one right now because no one’s getting any younger. Thirty is right around the corner in six years.
Connor was another contestant showcased on After the Final Rose. He kindly provided Hannah a stool to stand on so they could be eye-to-eye. Clearly, he’s adorable. And tall. And loves to swim, which means the body under that shirt probably rivals that of Michael Phelps.
For those of you wondering, that’s not a bad thing. He’s one of my top picks, even if he does love Justin Bieber.
I’m a Belieber. Connor’s a Belieber. You should be too.
I have lots of thoughts about Daron. He looks like a football player, because he once was a football player. I think Hannah will like that. Where his resume falls apart is his love of video games.
Hey, I’ve been known to play a rousing game of Solitaire on my phone. And my niece and I do love playing that one where you give Barbie a makeover. The point I’m trying to slow walk you to is that there’s nothing wrong with a little screen time, but Daron here is a globally ranked champion in Guitar Hero.
Did you read that? GLOBALLY. How many hours do you think he logged shredding the plastic keys in order to climb that high? Did he even consult on anyone’s IT that month?
His bio also notes that he’s terrified of spiders. Guess who gets to stick his hand in a jar of spiders to prove his love for Hannah! THIS GUY!
Sherman Oaks, CA
Yo Dev. That is a severe part, man. Half your hair is gone. Is this a thing that I don’t know about? Should I tell my dad?
I’m not sure about Devin’s bio. It seems a little too sweet, if you ask me. He loves being in a relationship. He thinks women in LA don’t want anything serious. He hates guys who act likes a sleaze. And his eight-year-old stepbrother is his best friend.
I’m sure in his spare time, he walks little old ladies across busy streets and dances with flower girls at wedding receptions.
Real Estate Broker
Dustin is another contestant we’ve already met. You may not recognize him since his nose stud has been replaced with a nose ring. But it’s the same guy. Trust me.
Dustin seems normal. He likes Netflix, his dog, and is looking for a woman his mom respects.
Oh wait. Let me rephrase that. His bio says he’s looking for a MATURE woman. Of course, “mature” would not be an adjective I would choose to describe the one with whom he’s pursuing. Perhaps his mom would settle for quirky? Or awkward? Unable to piece sentences together when stressed?
San Diego, CA
“Dylan is a handsome entrepreneur with a giant smile and a heart of gold.”
That’s how his bio starts. Did ABC say he had a heart of gold? Or did he write that down about himself? That gives me pause. It also says that all of his friends are women. I don’t trust that at all. He’s a player, which means he can’t have a heart of gold, which leads me to believe he gave himself that moniker.
Something tells me that Dylan has a tragic backstory. He has a tattoo of a plam tree on his ankle, which is indeed unfortunate. It might as well be a dolphin. Or a sholphin. But he also has two roses on his chest for his mom and dad. Perhaps they passed away? Leaving him some money to become a tech entrepreneur?
STOP THE PRESSES, PEOPLE. WE MAY HAVE A WINNER!
Golf pro. (Attractive.) Humble country boy who enjoys going to church. (She will love this.) Likes to drink beer with his friends. (Has friends that aren’t just girls + not a prude.) Sister signed him up for The Bachelorette. (Not in it to be discovered.) Once snuck into Mississippi State’s football stadium after hours to make out with his girlfriend on the 50-yard-line.
Is it weird for a 43-year-old to date a 27-year-old?
San Clemente, CA
Ladies and gentlemen, meet the official jack wagon of season 15. It’s good to know that Grant is unemployed, because we need someone who can spend all his time ragging on the other guys for sharing their CrossFit routines.
Bonus: Grant doesn’t think anyone is on The Bachelorette for the right reasons (right reasons). And he plans on calling each and every one out when he discovers their TRUE feelings about Hannah.
I hate him, but I also might love him. The verdict is still out.
Well helloooooo Hunter.
Like Connor S., one can only assume there’s a lot going on in the physique department under that terrible grey shirt. I do wonder why he quit a “dream job” to follow his passion. Is he not passionate about his dream job? Or are surfers like gymnasts and you’re washed up after the age of eighteen?
Hunter admits that he still lives at home with his parents. How do we feel about this revelation? Is it because he travels all over the world to compete in surfing competitions, and it just makes fiscal sense to live at home? Or is this like a Daron situation where his residence is in the basement and his mom leaves peanut butter and jelly sandwiches at the top of the stairs because the only time she’s going to go down there is to change Hunter’s sheets?
Jed claims a girl broke his heart so bad, he stopped writing songs. What are the odds Hannah gives him the encouragement he needs to pull out the guitar and start making music again? More importantly, what are the odds he learns how pull off a proper five o’clock shadow or commit to a full-grown beard this season?
Also, he raps. This is rapper number three in case you stopped counting, or inaccurately assumed that we would only have one rapper in the roster.
The Box King
Buckle up, people, because we have a lot to unpack in a very tiny bio. First of all, “The Box King” is exactly what you think: Joe is the king of boxes. Meaning, his family owns a box business which is more than likely highly lucrative.
Second, Joe’s most complimented feature is his eyebrows.
I find this so odd. Who compliments eyebrows? And if they do, is it really in a good way? Or are these jokers saying, “Look at your eyebrows! Man!” If so, Joe, that is not a compliment. It’s a cry for help on behalf of your eyebrows.
Finally, the boy likes double down at the blackjack table. He loves Vegas. More than the groupies from Thunder From Down Under and Frank Sinatra combined. I’m not sure if we should be advertising a potential gambling issue, but folks who have lots of money, plenty of cardboard boxes, and pretty eyebrows live a different life than me. Ante up, Joe.
Joey’s bio spends a lot of time explaining how he has been around the world, lived in several different countries, and is ready to settle down and have a minivan full of kids.
I CRY BALDERDASH!
Then I noticed his age. A quick check proves that he’s the old fogey of the bunch. Wild oats have been sewn. Will Hannah kick him to the curb for approaching 35? We shall see.
John Paul Jones
John Paul Jones
John Paul Jones loves daydreaming about his future wedding, drinking champagne, and insists you call him John Paul Jones.
JPJ is a jack wagon.
Los Angeles, CA
I can see the meeting right now. Producers gather around Jonathan to figure out exactly how to label him on the call sheet. Basketball Enthusiast? Teeth Model? Club Thumper? Tickle Monster 2.0?
Jonathan was all, “No, man. I’m a waiter.”
The producers tried to call him a seating host, but Jonathan said no. They compromised and landed on “server.”
Behavioral Health Specialist
Kevin has several things working in his favor and a few red flags. He helps Army vets deal with trauma, which sounds like a noble profession. He also “loves hard,” which sounds a little bit “the call is coming from the house.” Kevin loves Harry Potter (hooray!) and won’t travel anywhere that doesn’t have an available gym (bless).
He’s an emotional roller coaster with gorgeous eyes. I don’t know what to do with him.
Import / Export Manager
Luke P’s bio says that he is a good Christian boy from Georgia. However, I called him a douche when he introduced himself to Hannah during After the Final Rose. Curious.
Moreover, ABC seems to be painting him in a murky brown light. Methinks he’s not there for the right reasons (right reasons). Hannah will be crushed.
Luke S. looks like he’s ready for a job interview at Chilis. How can this boy be 29-years-old? And his bio reads like a Chach Parade. He’s a tequila expert who is looking for a woman who has the “same thirst for knowledge that he has.” Apparently model Emily Ratajkowski didn’t push him away when he flirted with her once and people always confuse him for Nick Viall.
The entire list screams tool bag, sure, but someone should tell him to keep that last accolade to himself.
Medical Device Salesman
Los Gatos, CA
Although he lives in California, Matt is an old-fashioned guy who loves watching Alabama football. How convenient! Matt knows sign language and salsa dancing and claims to already be in love with Hannah.
Gird your loins and your bunnies.
I’m just going to leave this right here for you to assess:
“Matteo is a sperm donor who has helped create 114 children for all types of families.”
Car Bid Spotter
Newport Beach, CA
Sweet, sweet Baby Matthew…
His family has a car auctioning business, as well as a winery. One of these things is not like the other.
Junior has an entire sleeve of tattoos on his left arm, among other bodily real estate. Speaking of real estate, he wants to get his license which seems unnecessary since HIS FAMILY OWNS A VINEYARD.
Youthful Matthew is excited to join the show because he’s never been out of the country. To his defense, he just graduated from college and has been a little busy deciding which body part needs a little more ink.
Easy, young one. There’s no need to guard and protect your heart before you even meet the girl.
San Antonio, TX
Mike has trouble deciding which lane to stay in on the highway of life. He enjoys Krav Maga and trampoline parks.
Sidebar: For real? This guy enjoys trampoline parks? Surely he has a kid, right?
He’s also interested in Parkour, just like most guys I know from 2015. (It’s okay, Mike. I hopped on the iPod bandwagon way after it was cool. Own it.)
Mike says he has swag. Much like answering, “I’m breezy,” when leaving a voice message, I think openly claiming that you have swag actually negates the swag.
Westlake Village, CA
Here’s our second pilot, who is one of the few who looks well fed and well rested. It makes sense. Peter still lives with his pilot dad and flight attendant mom.
Peter enjoys snowboarding, football, line dancing, and living his life motto: “You should live this life always expecting something great is about to happen to you.”
Do you think his mom hopes the next great thing is an affordable apartment at least thirty minutes away from her house?
Please, please, please let “roller boy” be code for roller skater. If that is the case, I will champion Ryan all the way to the end!
And the end will probably be week 1, but I don’t care. LONG LIVE ROLLER BOYS!
Software Sales Executive
Scott likes to day drink. On rooftops. With his buddies. No thanks.
International Pro Basketball Player
Is it just me, or does Thomas look like he would rather be overseas playing international basketball than posing for a reality show headshot?
Thomas shares that he loves his mother. Like, LOVES her. He also mentioned that he’s never brought a girl home.
Prediction: No woman is good enough for Tommy. He knows this because his Mama told him so.
Tyler C. seems way to normal for this show. Rugged good looks. Nice hair. Mesmerizing eyes. Strong jawline. Willing to wear color, even though it’s coral. Smart. Loves dogs. Only been in one serious relationship. Adores his family. Drafted by a team in the NFL. Would like the opportunity to skydive with Hannah.
I wonder what he’s hiding.
Psychology Graduate Student
Boca Raton, FL
Tyler G. may have a little trouble sticking to his strict Keto diet in the mansion that houses each and every deli meat in existence. But don’t worry. He’s low key. Laid back. Give him a boat and an avocado for a snack and he’s all set.
But in that boat, he wants a girl who is confident. One who can make him laugh and fix him scrambled eggs every morning with a side of raspberries and a handful of macadamia nuts. Is Hannah that girl?
And there you have it! All thirty men vying for the heart of our Hannah Bama. Who do you think has a shot? And who will be left out in the cold, rapping his blues away? Sound off in the comments section!