He’s not that good on paper.

Yeah. That sentence is ridiculous. The phrase “he’s not that good” doesn’t even make sense when it comes to Brad Womack.

Unless, of course, it’s followed by: “He’s not that good covering up his hotness.”

Did you see the two second shower scene? Two words…GOOD LORD!

I’m just saying.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this witty banter and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying spaghetti O’s or have a Pilates instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Jenni Couric Hometown Date
Wichita, Kansas
LINCEE’S TOP NINE THOUGHT PROVOKING MOMENTS

1. Why do we care?
The question I asked myself as Jenni tap dances (without tap shoes) on the stage at the Mary Jane Teall Theater…the exact same theater she won $50 from her first dancing competition

2. She needs to work on her self esteem issues.
The sarcastic Lincee coming out when Jenni tells Brad that dancing is her passion and she is really good at it.

3. We know you are faking it.
What we all thought when Jenni yelled, “This is embarrassing!” while dancing on national TV and hamming it up for the camera.

4. “She’s not a walking baby factory.”
Grandma Betty’s response to Brad telling the family he and his brothers are all ready to have families.

5. NO NO NO AWKWARD NO NO NO!
What I yelled at the camera when Mama Vicky started washing Brad’s hair at her salon. The blue towel wrapped around his noggin was a little femmy as well.

6. Look at me…I’m Sandra Dee!
The song that popped in my head when Sister Tiffany flat ironed Jen’s hair as they bonded over the fact that she’s falling in love with Danny Zuko.

7. HA!
Cracking up when Daddy Richard asks Brad if he has any goals. After beginning his memorized speech that our host Chris Harrison so thoughtfully prepared for him, Dad interrupts with, “You don’t have to tell me what they are…I just want to know she is taken care of.”

8. Uh-oh!
That gut feeling I’ve come to recognize as intuition…let the record show Brad is NOT sold on Jenni staying in Kansas to dance for Phoenix Suns. Even though he said he is willing to compromise and if it is true love, it will last a year. I’m personally not buying it.

9. I think 100 percent would have worked.
My reaction to Jenni telling Brad that if he picked her, she would be in the relationship a million percent. Heck…let’s throw in a bazillion, trillion plus infinity for good measure.

Sheena Hometown Date
Walnut Creek, California
LINCEE’S TOP NINE THOUGHT PROVOKING MOMENTS

1. She’s just a fetus.
What always comes to mind when Sheena’s age of 23 pops up under her name.

2. ME TOO!
My exclamation to the TV that Brad and I have the same zodiac sign.

3. A quizzical, “Hmmm.”
My reaction to Sheena’s Mom Bev telling Brad that the stars have lined up for him and her daughter.

4. Huh?
Again…Mom Bev talking about the Big Dipper and sitting in a Jacuzzi out back and how all of Sheena’s ancestors are looking down…and watching with celestial approval.

5. What the crap!?!
Here we have Bev again telling Brad…verbatim: “I know she’s the one, whether she’s your one or someone else’s one. There is no other one, because one is one. And I know she is THE ONE!”

6. [Giggling]
Kudos to the ABC Producers for inserting the random New Age plunky music in the background as Madam Bev continues to consult her crystals for further proof that Brad is THE ONE.

7. Oh dear.
Surprise, surprise, Madam Bev clues us in on another one of her famous discoveries: “When I saw your eyes, I saw them together.” Was she expecting the first Cyclops Bachelor?

8. Don’t go there…too late!
Sheena walks in the room and gives her Mom a certain look as if to say, “I told you not to talk about stars aligning.” Bev shrugs as if to say, “GUILTY!” and decides to dive into another topic. MARRIAGE! “We are ready to commit. I mean she is ready to commit. She is ready to be one man’s everything. Every Mom wants her daughter to be married. Cut to the chase…let’s get the ring…we’ve already got the flower girl and bridesmaids. I just see you guys together forever. It’s written…literally…in the stars. Orion to be exact.”

9. She’s done.
Sheena tells Brad that her family is so much of who she is. It was at this point that I knew Sheena was done. And there was no physical chemistry in his face or body language when they were in the hot tub directly under the Big Dipper. There were no bubbles in the hot tub either. Just pointing that out.

DeAHnna’s Hometown Date
Canton, Georgia
LINCEE’S TOP EIGHT THOUGHT PROVOKING MOMENTS

1. Purple crush pride foam finger
The gift I would…nay…WILL bring Brad when he visits Hallsville, Texas…home of the fighting Bobcats. DeAHnna brings him a bushel of peaches. So cliché.

2. She’s 25?
My reaction to DeAHnna’s Dad telling Brad that he has known his daughter for 25 years and can recognize a sparkle in her eyes. I had her at 28, 29, 30-years-old. Great. She’s a fetus too! I don’t see Brad marrying a fetus!

3. [teary]
I’m just that way, okay? I sort of teared up with DeAHnna pulls out a photo album that had pictures of her Mom. Brad loves that her Mom’s death has made DeAHnna a stronger woman.

4. [teary…again]
DeAHnna’s sister Christy telling her that their Mom is watching over her and proud…no matter what happens.

5. I was a swarthy 12-year-old with sideburns.
My favorite line from My Big Fat Greek Wedding that popped in my head when Brad compared DeAHnna’s family to the movie.

6. I love PaPoo and YaYa!
How cute were her grandparents?

7. OPAH!
Brad throwing back the alcohol with PaPoo and YaYa. Reminded me of my recent Ukrainian experience http://ihategreenbeans.blogspot.com/2007/09/heres-to-vodka.html.

8. She may go all the way.
Self explanatory.

Bettina’s Hometown Date
Washington, DC
LINCEE’S TOP EIGHT THOUGHT PROVOKING MOMENTS

1. Did we just return from a workout?
Why was Bettina wearing Pilates pants to meet the man of my dreams?

2. What an a$$.
My reaction to Bettina’s Dad asking about his future. Brad explains that he went to Southwest Texas State (I refuse to call it Texas State) but didn’t graduate. He then went into business for himself. Bettina’s Dad gives a grimace. Brad asks what brought their family to DC and Dad answers with a smug half-laugh, “I was offered a professorship.”

3. Seriously. He really is an a$$.
I received confirmation of my previous statement when Daddy Robert tells the camera, “It is a great disappointment that Brad isn’t educated.”

4. Wow. They are a perfect match.
Mother Anne has similar views as her pompous husband. “I don’t like that my step-daughter has hooked up with a guy who runs a bunch of bars.”

5. Oh I get it…
I assume that Daddy is disappointed that things didn’t work out with Bettina’s perfect Harvard first husband. He tells the camera, “This is definitely not the way I want her to meet a guy. Her first husband was wonderful and she’s not going to find any better.”

6. I think Bettina is brainwashed.
Bless her heart, I start to feel sorry for Bettina. She tells the camera that her Dad’s opinion means the world to her. He counters with: “I have three issues. Obviously, the bar issue. Education is a definite disappointment. And can you see yourself moving to Austin?”

7. Or she’s just on crack.
Brad tells Bettina that he felt judged during their parent visit. Brad: “I want to feel welcome in your family. I may not have education, but I’m sure not going to judge anybody.” Bettina: “I don’t look that great on paper either.”

It took me a few rewinds and careful lip reading to finally realize that is what she said. BAD MOVE BETTINA! What in the world?

8. Bettina is not THE ONE.
Even though she got a rose last night, I feel Bettina is not going to be THE ONE. Brad: “I’ve worked really hard and that is what defines me. I don’t like that I’m defending myself. I want to spend my life with somebody whether it looks good on paper or not.” Families are big with Brad. And I think they are a deal breaker.”

It’s easy for me to say that I knew Bettina would get a rose the day after the rose ceremony. But there was too much ABC “drama editing” and that typically means the Bachelorette stays.

Poor Sheena and her super fabulous earrings get the boot. She’s doing a lovely job of keeping it together as Brad leads her to the tiny wicker bench that is most definitely not made for two. She compliments him on looking good. He tells her to quit being so nice. He starts with his rehearsed soliloquy:

“I think you are so deserving of happiness in a perfect guy. I wish that I was that guy, I just don’t think I am.”

And out of NOWHERE, Sheena loses it with…I shutter to recall…ugly crying. You know what I’m talking about. Bless her heart. Sheena, the Princess of Power, clings to Brad’s neck for dear life and confesses that he is the first thing she thinks of in the morning and the last thing she thinks of when she goes to bed. She inhales deeply, trying to embrace his smell and forever remember the aroma.

Brad puts her in the limo and tells the camera that there was zero chemistry.

Who’s pumped about the exciting forgo dates in Cabo? SWEETNESS!

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee