Recap: Healing the world…one pharmaceutical at a time
We are back ladies and gentlemen. ABC with a new Bachelor. Lincee with a new snazzy website. Who knew the day would come that my dear friend Jason would cave under my relentless whining to PLEASE create a website for me so I don’t have to learn how to do it. I absolutely love it. YOU’RE MY BOY JD!
Let the recap begin.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Spring Oreos or have a Jazzercise instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
There he is! Our Host Chris Harrison! Look at how professional you are with a bright smiling face as you are forced to recite a spiel of ABC-fed facts and trivia on our British Bachelor. Where’s the witty banter we all know and love CH?
Oh there it is! An ill-fitting coat during your opening montage! You slay me Chris Harrison.
Meet Matt Grant. He’s traveled halfway around the world to find true love in America. He’s a proper gentleman, 27-years-old, the youngest of five brothers, a banker, likes to carry a newspaper and umbrella when walking past red phone booths and FREAKING LOOKS HOTTER THAN CRAP IN THAT RUGBY PICTURE!
Hold the phone in the red booth and rewind the DVR.
Hey Matty. It’s Lincee. I know we’ve technically just met, but seriously dude. Let’s re-think the style of your hair. Not that there’s anything wrong with your current do, but man. You can pull off the buzz nicely. The goat is not bad either. Both, along with your v-neck polo shirt, accentuate a rather attractive neck that is sadly hidden when you wear a banker suit and skinny tie.
Back to Matty’s montage:
He left his job, family, friends and country to take a gamble on finding a strong, independent, outgoing and exciting American woman. Love has no borders. (Excuse me while I force my dinner of fajitas back down my throat.)
One would think that now would be a great time to meet the girls, but ABC is adamant that we get it in our thick little skulls that this dude is from London.
Therefore, our host Chris Harrison leads our British Bachelor into a room with 1440 candles and they discuss pretty much the opening montage again. The only new information we learn is that Matty believes he has a stupid sense of humor and that the Bachelorettes have no idea he is not American.
Meet the Bachelorettes
Why you remember her: She had on a green dress that pushed up her boobs.
Status: No rose
Why you remember her: Rambled about how since she moved to Las Vegas, her luck had changed. She gave him a tacky red dice souvenir to remember her by. Should have bet on black Mandy.
Status: No rose
Why you remember her: Amanda bravely revealed on national television that she suffers from chronic hiccups when she’s stressed out. Alas…not a single hic (from her at least) during the entire show.
Status: First impression rose
Why you remember her: Amy is in the top running for most awkward Bachelorette introduction in the history of the show. Super nanny turned super model for the 14 seconds it took for her to walk…nay…strut to her waiting Bachelor. Home girl stepped out of the limo and struck a Paris Hilton pose with her hand on her hip. She silently counted, “One Mississippi, two Mississippi” and proceeded to walk five paces, paused, three point turn, four paces and hit another unwieldy stance as she hastily asked Matty in a nervous high pitched voice, “Now turn for me!” Well played Amy. Big fat “E” for effort.
Why you remember her: Oh Ash. Cute little Ash with her cute little gold dress, cutely caressing her cute hair extensions while babbling on about being so nervous. Is the dress going to be enough for him to remember her? What about her treble cleft necklace? Maybe she should blow him a kiss for good measure. Wait. I know! Pickin’ and grinnin’ is the way to a man’s heart.
Ash: “Can I play you a song on my guitar?”
Matty: “Bloody yes.”
Ash: “I wrote it myself. I can’t wait for you to hear it.”
Matty: “Fire away.”
Matty (a little louder): “FIRE AWAY.”
Ash: “I don’t know what you mean.”
Matty: “Play. Strum your, how do you say, gee-tar and let’s get on with it.”
Ash: “I’m gong to have to learn those English phrases.”
Lincee: “You both speak English Ash. Fire away? You call yourself a musician? Ever hear of Pat Benatar? The closing line to the chorus of ‘Hit Me With Your Best Shot’ ring a bell? Oh…you weren’t a member of this planet in 1980? No excuse. Do your homework chick. Look alive out there.”
Ash singing with reckless abandon: “I want you! No one else could ever want you more. I’m crazy for you! I’m so crazy I compete with 24 other girls.”
Matty: “That’s awesome. You have an amazing voice.”
Lincee: Rocking back and forth in numbing pain.
Church Marketing Representative
Why you remember her: She stepped out of the limo with her Grandma’s diamond jewel broach pinned ever-so-discreetly just below her bust. She exclaimed, “YOUR ENGLISH!” when our Bachelor said hello. She’s quick America. He asked where she was from and she replied Oklahoma. He commented that he liked the musical and they shared a laugh after a quick rendition of “Surrey with the Fringe on Top.” But it was not enough for Carri. Oh no. She must make her mark. But how to do it? The answer? By any means necessary. While waiting her turn for some one-on-one time with Matty, Carri grows impatient and decides to take a bite out of a beer can, removing a sliver of tin from her bloody tongue and broken teeth in order for the Bachelor to have a little something to remember her by. And it actually worked.
Pharmaceutical Sales Rep
Why you remember her: Chelsea was the girl that decided it would not be annoying to speak in a British accent all night long. She then asked the Bachelor if he wanted tea and crumpets and followed up that question with another…what’s a crumpet? Deciding to keep pouring on the class, Chelsea challenges our six foot five Bachelor to an arm wrestling match. He lets her win.
Former Bush Aide
Why you remember her: She was the one having the boring political conversation with our Bachelor when the Sooner decided to eat a beer can.
Status: No rose
Why you remember her: You don’t.
Status: No rose
Why you remember her: Giggly Erin bounces up to our Bachelor and sticks her left hand in his face, showing him a piece of jewelry she purchased on the Home Shopping Channel especially for this occasion. She tells him it is a place holder until he puts the real thing on her finger. You rolled your eyes feeling sorry for Erin until she redeems herself by calling Hoochie Mama Stacey “the token nut bag” of the group.
Hot dog vendor
Why you remember her: You asked yourself, “Hot dog vendor? Really? Huh.”
Children’s Book Author
Why you remember her: After meeting 20 Bachelorettes who all told him how nervous they were, Matty mixes up his opening line by asking Holly, “Are you nervous?” She responds with an enthusiastic, “NO WAY!”
Medical Sales Rep
Why you remember her: Kelly thinks that if someone is from London, they must be royalty. She therefore extends a curtsy towards Matty as she leaves his presence.
Why you remember her: You don’t, but have sneaking suspicion that our Bachelor deduces her body must be amazing since she is a personal trainer and decides to keep her around for at least one romp in the hot tub.
Why you remember her: As she stepped from the limo and her occupation flashed across the bottom of the screen, you wondered if she was going to do anything to embarrass herself. And that was the last we saw of her.
Status: No rose
Why you remember her: You thought she was going to greet the Bachelor with a hearty “shalom” but instead she talked about how she made her dress all by herself. For the Miss Earth New York pageant. Shalom indeed Marshana.
Why you remember her: Poor Michele. I think she deserves the first bless her heart of the night. Besides Hoochie Mama Stacy, Michele definitely received the most one-liners from the little group of viewers that met at my house last night.
Stephanie: “She looks very Christmasy with the green dress and red hair.”
Caroline: “I think I wore that dress in eight grade. Except mine had sleeves.”
Jill: “I’d like to introduce her hair to my friend Chi.”
Lincee: “Calm down girls. Give her a break. Humidity does not help when trying to properly moisten one’s clarinet reed. And it’s extremely hard to concentrate when your green ball gown doesn’t allow you to sit while playing your instrument. Thank the Lord she brought her neck strap.”
Why you remember her: No matter how much you play rock/paper/sisters, you are still 33.
Status: No rose
Why you remember her: She’s a sucker for an accent and asks the Bachelor to talk British to her. She admits she’s shy and reserved but understands the game and knows that there has to be a certain amount of initiative on her part. They talk family, board games and how they both feel like old souls on the inside. Then they fall asleep from boredom.
Why you remember her: She embarrassed herself by attempting to sexy dance in front of Matty. Someone stop her.
Status: No rose
Why you remember her: He’s from London. She’s been to London! He likes rugby. She’s seen it on ESPN2! He likes to ride in airplanes. She’s been on an airplane! He speaks some French. She speaks some French! He likes hot tubs. She likes hot tubs! Match made in heaven.
Why you remember her: Matty admits to having an instant attraction to Shayne. Their one-on-one time consists of him asking her about LA and if she likes living the Hollywood lifestyle. Unbeknownst to him, Shayne is no stranger to Hollywood. You see, it’s no big deal, really, but her Dad is pretty famous. And so is her grandfather. I mean, who cares, but she has lived around the celebrity lifestyle since she was a baby. Seriously, it’s not anything to scream from the rooftops and she would never go on a reality show to find 15 minutes of fame, because she doesn’t need it. She’s sort of famous already. Whatever. Just because she’s the spawn of someone who was on Falcon Crest is nothing to brag about. It’s really not a big deal. Okay? Who cares that Lorenzo Lamas is her Dad. Do you really want to know that he won not one but two Soap Opera Digest Awards for his portrayal of Hector Ramirez on the Bold and the Beautiful and will forever be immortalized as the “dumb jock” Sandy used to make Danny jealous in Grease? That has nothing to do with her or how she grew up in the industry. She’s here for Matty and Matty only.
Why you remember her: How could you forget is more like it. Her blue sparkly drag queen dress is the first clue that Stacey is going to be memorable. Too bad most of her sentences were either too slurred to understand or bleeped out by ABC censoring. And speaking of censoring, the heavy petting and footsie that was going on during Matt’s dual conversation with her and Erin H. was borderline Lifetime After Dark. Matty is having a nice conversation with Erin about where he would take her on a date should she visit him in London when Hoochie decides to interrupt because the conversation is extremely boring. Matty then turns the tables on Hoochie. It’s time for a game of wit. Let’s test your knowledge, shall we? We’ll start off with a simple one.
Matty: “If you were in London, what would your ideal date be?”
Hooch: “Going to the ocean.”
Matty: “Interesting. Of course, there is no ocean in London. Do you know anything about London a tall (at all)?”
Hooch: “They are good with cars. Prius.”
Matty: “London Bridge. London Tower. And you choose electric cars.”
Hooch: “I have a college degree in nutrition. I want to find a pharmaceutical (not a typo) that will cure something no one has thought of yet.”
We think the shenanigans of Hoochie Stacey are over, but alas, she’s still got some life in her. In one last attempt to win her man, she interrupts Hot Dog Erin and stuffs something white in Matty’s pocket. We are treated with a nice tight shot of her stripper tat as she walks out of the frame. Good work ABC! Poor Hot Dog and Matty think she has stuffed tissue in his pocket. Turns out it was her panties. White lace panties. The question we have to ask is not why Hoochie did this…we know why…SHE’S A HOOCHIE! The bigger question is why are Hot Dog Erin and the Bachelor touching the panties? Please step away from the crotch area.
Cut to Stacey passed out on a random sheet-less mattress in a bathroom. Nice job ABC intern. It’s good to have you back. Make sure you put that trash can by the edge, okay? Now go buy some candles or something and get that Christmas chick to stop playing that horn.
Classic line of the night by Super Nanny Amy: “Stacey’s passed out with her mouth and her legs shut. That’s good.”
Status: No rose
Why you remember her: Uhm…I’m not sure who this is.
Status: No rose
Real Estate Marketing
Why you remember her: Seriously. Who are these people?
Status: No rose
And there you have it kids. It was a pretty good season opener. I’m sure we are all looking forward to the Austin Powers “horny” jokes next week. And I hope his humor comes out soon. Did everyone catch the ending credits with his dance montage? There is potential here people.
All about the shame, not the fame,