Here’s to the North, Here’s to the South…
So there I was in my kitchen wearing only a string bikini, mixing drinks as usual, when three thoughts occurred to me.1. The pronunciation of our Bachelor’s last name. Womack. ABC is adamant, almost forceful, with the emphasis on the WOE in Womack. A hard WOE if you will. This is merely an observation.
2. How cute is our host Chris Harrison? Isn’t he super adorable when he discusses that Brad WOmack will be taking the girls on two group dates? Precious!
3. Breast Cancer Awareness York Peppermint Patties. Complete with a pink center! I suggest you run and buy several bags today. Not only are they tasty, but support a great cause!SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this witty banter and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying spaghetti O’s or have a Pilates instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.Date One
Join me for a day at the races!
As the girls reveal little fake horses, binoculars and betting tickets from the big date box, there was really only one thing that kept running through my mind…
Would you wear the big hat?
I know it is a fun tradition and I’m sure those hats are the latest trends on the fashion runway. However, some were literally big enough to shelter four people from a torrential downpour and I don’t know if I would have chosen that moment to try and pull it off. I’m just saying.
Back to the race track.
Brad is in serious mode. He is in this to find a wife and wastes no time in admitting to the camera that he wants good detailed conversations with these ladies. He is interested to see who bets big and who plays it safe, because you can learn a lot from a gambler. You learn when to hold em, when to fold em, when to walk away and when to run. And let’s face it…Brad needs to run, screaming, from some of these women.
The first one-on-one time we see is with Hillary. You remember her. The one I thought was the cute girl-next-door from Philadelphia? Well guess what? She’s the girl-next-door that will stab you in the back with the same knife she keys your car. But we’ll get to that later.
Hill and Brad feed carrots to the horses, laugh, hold hands and discuss surface issues like the weather as he rubs the small of her back. On a scale from one to 10, Hill tells Brad he is an 11.5! She then tells the camera that she will kick anyone in their shins if they mess with her man. I’d be willing to bet she’d scratch your eyes out too. Literally.
I’m not quite sure what ABC is trying to pimp this next moment, but Shaun Phillips of the San Diego Chargers saunters into the luxury box. He gives the girls t-shirts and steps outside to discuss his first impressions with Bradley. He thinks that McCracken is awesome (probably because she was the only one who knew who he was) and he thinks DD is cool.
So then Brad…wait a minute…what? Back up. Who the heck is DD?
After a quick rewind of the DVR, I learn that DD is none other than DAHnna. Guess she created a nickname for herself because we ALL KNOW that she doesn’t like to be called DeANNa.
Where was I?
So then Brad gets a phone call from Michelle. Home girl has gone and “fallen” down the stairs. Luckily, Sheena was there to “find” her laying flat on her back and immediately called and ambulance. The girls were SO CONCERNED that not one of them accompanied her to the hospital. Brad learns that she has a concussion.
McCracken: “She has a concussion and can call you from the hospital?”
Nice. Class act right there. Later, McCracken wonders how Michelle got Brad’s phone number? Feeling that she is losing her psycho death grip, she chooses to snag him away for some alone time. Action must be taken!
And here we are. It’s the moment. You know the one I’m talking about and my blood pressure is rising just typing the words. My brain is swelling from remembering the scene. All of you by now know that I spend half of the show hiding behind a couch pillow, screaming “STOP IT” to the TV while rocking myself back and forth in hopes to comfort my rotting soul.
And this moment was no different.
MC: “I want to make a toast to new beginnings and perfect dates.”
BW: “OK. That sounds great. You know…”
MC interrupting: “Or I could just kiss you.”
Poor Brad isn’t even looking anywhere near her face. His focus is concentrating on his boot, his champagne, the splendor of the grass…I don’t know, but my boy starts talking about how glad he was that they were at the horse races when McCracken lays one on him in mid-sentence.
I’m not one to judge and say that’s not attractive…to interrupt a conversation with a kiss. It can be very exciting! Typically though, there is a moment…a split second moment…where the other person gets it, eyes lock, a flash of a flirty smile, mere millimeters away from each other…and you know they would rather make out than talk. It’s mutual.
This, dear reader, was not that moment.
As I mentioned, Brad has yet to make eye contact with McCracken. It’s unsure if he didn’t hear her, or was choosing to ignore the comment. Regardless, she’s panicking and chooses to go in for the kill because time is running out. He begins to turn towards her when she leans in and lands sort of in the vicinity of where the cheek, meets the end of the nose, meets the corner of the mouth. Brad, freaking out, decides to keep talking. He muffles out something about being glad she is with him. And as I type this, the awkwardness is STILL HAPPENING. He won’t quit babbling. She won’t stop kissing.
It is at this point when I go from comfort rocking and muttering of my signature, “Nonononononononono,” behind my couch pillow to a mixture of pacing the living room floor, sitting, standing, pacing, screaming and literally walking into the kitchen away from Satan’s box because I am quite honestly that embarrassed. It was so bad, that I didn’t care there were a few things I probably missed. I race back in the room when I hear Brad talking. And I am so glad I made it in time for him to admit to the camera:
“We shared a kiss…and it wasn’t that good.” He melts into a fit of giggles, which makes me adore him even after that hideous display of affection. Let the record show that I blame McCracken. At this point in the night, I still had hope for Brad’s kissing abilities.
Back to business.
DeAHnna tells Brad she was in a relationship for five years. He commends her for her commitment. She said he cheated and she would never be unfaithful. He praises her honesty as he fastens a flyaway hair behind her ear. She admits that it’s hard to vie for his attention, but she came in with open mind. What you see is what you get. Brad gives her the date rose and tells her he wants to keep her around as long as she wants to be around. See? Guys love a challenge!
Let’s get half naked with the hoochie mammas!
After a quick bikini fashion show to remind the Date One girls that Brad will be seeing their boobs and butts, the seven girls blow kisses to the camera and head to the coast with Brad in his 1960s “Surfin’ USA” Beach Boys automobile.
Girls are cartwheeling on the beach, playing football, “surfing” and pulling wedgies. A fun time was had by all.
Brad takes his position behind the bar to make everyone drinks. The girls are extremely annoyed that Brad has not taken his shirt off. Lincee is extremely annoyed that Brad has not taken his shirt off.
Finally, Stephy succeeds with the removal of the dark blue fitted tee and confesses to the camera that what is underneath was good…really good. I would have to agree with that statement.
Now that shirts are off, the party can get into full swing. Brad pours a round of shots and Katie Couric toasts the group: “Here’s to the north…here’s to the south…here’s to finding out what he can do with his mouth!”
ABC…America’s family network.
Sarah steals some alone time with Brad. They talk and talk about things they have in common…like they were both once 21…and Brad tells the camera that he loves her disposition. He thinks she is down-to-earth and has a lot of fun talking to her. He gives her the date rose and she cheeses out for him.
Let the record show that I think she will go far, but I don’t think he would pick someone that young. We shall see.
When they return to the party, Solisa, bless her heart, asks Brad to do a body shot. Some salt is sprinkled and licked off her collar bone, tequila is sucked out of her belly button and a lemon is gnawed out of her mouth.
Again…fun for the whole family.
Poor Bettina wants to throw up. Brad is cautious. He’s trying to stay open-mined. “Hey…if you are fun and wild, that’s fine. Just show me the real you.”
So she does. Cut to Solisa sharing her faith with Brad as she lectures him on how important values are to her. Oh…and she is comfortable with her body and there’s nothing to be ashamed of.
Not to be outdone by Solisa, Stephy decides to belly up to the bar and take a shot off our bachelor. He looked EXTREMELY uncomfortable.
I think I’ll replay this episode at the Ray Family Christmas.
Brad finally finds some one-on-one time with his favorite audience, Katie Couric. He simply can’t NOT laugh and/or smile when he’s with her. They get caught up in a moment and start to make out. It wasn’t bad. I can concur that it was leaps and bounds better than the “other episode” we discussed early.
Meanwhile, back at the Bachelorette pad, Jade and Hillary “find” Katie Couric’s modeling book by jimmying the lock on her suitcase. They quickly spread the word that she is only there to advance her career.
RETURN OF THE HOT TUB! WHOOT!
Although we didn’t spend too much time in the hot tub, I’m quite sure that the ABC intern will provide many more steamy scenes for our viewing pleasure in the future. After toasting to life, love and happiness, Brad asks the group what the craziest thing they’ve ever done. Instead of answering the question, Lindsey tells all the crazy things she has NEVER done. One includes going skinny dipping.
Sister Solisa takes this opportunity to whip off her top and go bounding in the ocean. Bachelorettes gone WILD indeed!
Sadly, no one followed…not even Bradley. Kind of reminded me of the time Will Farrell enthusiastically encouraged the crowd to go streaking in the quad on Old School.
First thing on agenda is to check up on Michelle. He’s worried she will feel bad that he’s kicking her off after falling down the stairs.
Bettina wants to have the BIG D conversation but chickens out. Instead she tells him that she can’t imagine anywhere else she’d rather be.
Mallory tells him that if they get together, she will require breakfast in bed and refuses to work for a living.
Katie Couric overhears Hillary and Jade tell the other girls about the modeling book they “happened” upon in Katie Couric’s suitcase. Katie Couric cries in the bathroom to a very bored looking DeAHnna. Her advice? Don’t trust anybody. But Katie Couric is a good person and needs other to accept her. She runs off to make friendship bracelets.
Jade (not a trash talker) advises the Bachelor that some people here want to further their career and to just be aware. She also throws in that she’s not going to flaunt her ta-ta’s…just for good measure.
I’m sure to no one’s surprise, Michelle, Erin and Mallory are out. I still have no clue who Sheena is.
But I’m super excited about next week! Brad activates his wonder twin power and talks Chad into visiting with the girls at the rose ceremony! Can. Not. Wait.
All about the shame, not the fame,