Hot dogs, salsa and stalkers…The Bachelor is BACK!
My how I’ve missed this silly, silly show. Seriously. We should have formed some sort of support group during the hiatus. I would have been Social Chairman and coordinated party bus trips down to Austin to see Hotter Than Crap Brad Womack and then Breckenridge to convince Jesse that we all need to take turns snow boarding down a mountain…piggy back style for me!
The Bachelor is back people. And even though I think that Jason is still a little too Melba toast, there was at least had a little seasoning last night. He’s more like the Melba toast you find in Gardetto’s. But still…Melba toast.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s not all THAT bad. Heck…just seeing adorable Ty makes all the difference in the world. Someone needs to get that kid on the Disney Channel or a Baby Gap commercial. Seriously. Cute with a capital Q! And the constant running into each other’s arms as he screams, “DADDY” from the top of his lungs? Be still my heart.
So let’s dig in. There are 25 women to meet, judge and laugh at as we send 10 packing.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Christmas candy or have a Jazzercise instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelors on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
America watched as the single dad fell in love with DDAHnna Pappas. We get to re-live all of the fancy dates and making out sessions that led Jason to the point of no return as he skips down the cobblestone path to ask DD to be his bride. ABC tortures the viewing audience by showing our Bachelor drop to one knee, profess his love for about five minutes and then get his heart trampled on by DD in her pointy three-inch heels.
It took one little “Welcome Home Daddy” sign from a three-year-old for Jason to know that he was going to be okay. He was convinced that he could love again. His heart is healed. Probably from all the pull ups and jump roping shirtless. I know seeing that helped my heart, but whatever.
Jason decides to bring Ty along to LA to find his new Mommy. And brother Larry joins them to help push Ty in the swing out back while Jason does push ups on the brick wall. He is convinced that this proposal will stick. Because third time’s a charm, right?
THERE’S OUR HOST CHRIS HARRISON! Oh we’ve missed you and your witty ways Chris Harrison. Whoever is in charge of getting Ty a gig on an ABC soap opera, needs to find this dude his own show that supports his humor. WE LOVE YOU OHCH!
Let’s meet the 25 ladies who get the chance to win Jason’s heart:
Why you remember her: Wow. I’m off to a great start. I have no recollection and not a single note written down for this chick. Sorry Ann.
Status: NO ROSE
Why you remember her: Dom, as she likes to be called, invited the viewing audience to join her in a tour of Small Town, Pennsylvania where you can visit Amish country and take leisurely walks in the park adjacent to a sewage treatment plant. She’s as giggly as a 12-year-old sitting at a co-ed table in the junior high school cafeteria as she explains to Jason that she sells medical equipment for feet. You know…for people who have bunions and hammer toes. Then she nervously tells Jason she’ll have to check his feet out.
Dear, sweet, adorable Dominique. Never…ever…talk or say bunion on national TV again.
Status: NO ROSE
Why you remember her: Emily was the one girl from Seattle and claimed to be the biggest Seahawks fan on the planet. That’s all I’ve got.
Status: NO ROSE
Why you remember her: Erica exits the limo in a short gold dress, saunters up to Jason and says, “Guess where I just came from?” A befuddled Jason (and Lincee) raises his eyebrows and thinks to himself, “Surely she doesn’t mean the limo. Could it be the hotel? That’s just lame. Oh please Chris Harrison. Please tell me she’s not a total ditz, because she’s got a rockin’ body.” Jason closes his mouth, relaxes his jaw and guesses, “New York?” Erica laughs heartily, slaps him on the shoulder and says that she caught a flying fish in Seattle.
Yep. That makes more sense.
Erica is the token loud mouth that likes to have fun. All the girls are immediately annoyed, therefore, she receives second place in the fake “you will be leaving” vote. As we all know, the vote was really that the girl would be leaving with a rose. GOTCHA! Even though Erica claimed that she was hurt by the vote of her peers, she still received a rose from our Bachelor. I’m sure things will be very tense as a result. WAY TO KEEP US ON OUR TOES ABC!!!
Why you remember her: Jackie admits to a group of competitive girls that she’s been engaged twice, married once and has recently been through a divorce. Yes, it would have been smart keeping this information to yourself on the first night, but when you are working with three gin and tonics, two glasses of champagne and four shots of Jose Cuervo…well…anything’s possible. She’s extremely loud, obnoxious and hates that another girl wore a leopard print dress. Our Host Chris Harrison announces that she received third place in the fake leaving vote and she’s convinced that she will always be a bride planner…never a bride.
Status: NO ROSE
Why you remember her: Jillian works hard, plays hard, is a self proclaimed polish hick and likes to rock the side pony tail. As she greets the Bachelor, she informs him that he needs to find her inside and be prepared to discuss his favorite hot dog topping.
Oh she’s going somewhere with this.
My girl Jill has a theory about hot dog toppings. If your man chooses ketchup, he’s strong, loyal and loves his Mom. If he picks onions, he’ll never get married and sauerkraut is straight up bad news. But if he picks mustard, he’s golden—
down to Earth and marryable. Jill explains this revelation to a few girls as she grills some hot dogs on stove.
Now here’s my question: Did Jillian come with hot dogs and hot dog preparations? Probably not. I can see it now. Jillian approaches the producer and submits her idea, saying that her hot dog theory is a recipe for good TV. The producer agrees and sends the intern in the rejection limo with a $20 to the nearest EZ Mart. DOH! They don’t have sauerkraut! It’s down the street to HEB. Then he fields a phone call from the ABC bartender asking him to pick up a few more bottles of Dom Perignon because Jackie has decided to play a drinking game with Erica. What a night!
Jill plops a weenie in Jason’s bun and waits anxiously as he decides what to put on his dog. After an aggressive squirt of mustard, the kitchen explodes into spontaneous cheering. Jason toasts the ladies with the hot dog and wolfs it in four bites. He washes it down with one of Ty’s Capri Sun juice packets and asks the ABC intern for a mint. We wouldn’t want pig guts on our breath for the rest of the night now would we?
Why you remember her: You asked yourself why the chick from ER was on the Bachelor?
Status: NO ROSE
Why you remember her: Kari was dressed in little short red number with silver heels. She hugged him nine times and talked about how she’s from Dorothy country and has been in a tornado. She also wrote him a poem. It went a little something like this I think:
Is there such thing as love at first sight?
I think there is so believe me…I’m right.
I’m glad that you didn’t wanna
Stay with DeAnna
Because I think you’re fly
And so is your son Ty
Why you remember her: Lauren is the enthusiastic girl in the other leopard print dress who loves life. She teaches government and quizzes Jason. We learn that it’s her birthday and Jason excuses himself for a few minutes. Lauren is STOKED because she assumes that she is getting the first impression rose. Alas, home boy comes back with a little cake that the intern picked up. Luckily, he was just passing the HEB bakery when the ABC psychotherapist called with the request. Jason lights the candle and Lauren blows it out…sad that she was duped but hopeful her birthday wish comes true. Then she doesn’t eat the cake. Jackie, on the other hand…champagne gives her the munchies.
Why you remember her: She was in a green formal and babbled on about how there are potatoes in Idaho and he should try some. Oh…and her right false eyelash was a little wompy.
Single Mom and Coach
Why you remember her: Megan wore an emerald dress that I’m pretty was a design copied straight from Holiday Barbie circa 1998. Jason takes Megan away and they talk about their sons and how Megan loves animals more than people. Interesting, because she’s the one that the girls voted to leave. LEAVE WITH A ROSE! She interjects a pretty hard explicative and the girls agree that they made the correct fake decision in fake kicking her out. Good luck to the Bachelorette who gets her as a roommate!
Why you remember her: Melissa tells us that she was a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader and the ABC camera man, as if on cue, gets a close shot of her cleavage. Nice. She’s very spunky and really, really, really, really wants a rose.
Department Store Buyer
Why you remember her: Molly is a golfer and asks Jason to show her his best golf swing. I’m no golfer, but I could tell that it was all wrong. Molly, irritated that her opening line crashed and burned, decided to go the competitive route and steal Jason away from the Brazilian princess as she was teaching him to dance.
Why you remember her: She looks a little like Eva Mendes but you probably remember that her dress was the same one my sister wore in 1990 to the Hallsville High School prom. I’m just saying. Naomi is not afraid to slap a b!tch (her words not mine) and toasts DDAHnna for letting Jason go. OPAH!
Why you remember her: Natalie is the bleach blond chick with the bad spray tan.
Why you remember her: She tells Jason that she remembered from last season that Ty’s favorite color was orange. So she wore an orange dress. She’s also the one that had to sit and hold back giggles as Kari read her poem.
Status: NO ROSE
Why you remember her: Sadly, we are first introduced to Nikki as she polishes a table while wearing a crown and a Miss Illinois sash. Our next encounter with Nikki is not really with Nikki but with her boobs. Spilling forth from a black sequins dress, the ABC camera man can’t help but focus in on them. They are all you see. We do HEAR her asking about Ty immediately. Jason says that Nikki is stunning about 17 times and holds her hand while talking about how awesome kids can be. He’s smitten ladies and gentlemen!
Status: First impression rose
Why you remember her: Raquel is the brooding Brazilian. The ABC sound mixer plays Spanish telenovela music every time she encounters the Bachelor. She speaks three languages and loves her black and white dress because it accentuates her hips. And she needs that to teach Jason how to salsa. Unfortunately, Molly cuts in and whisks the Bachelor away to a super secret bungalow. But Raquel will not be beaten. With a powerful swelling of music, she sambas her way to Jason and steals him back from Molly. She tells him that he gives her a peace and that she knows this is a good thing.
Why you remember her: Everyone together now…BLESS HER HEART! Oh Renee. Poor, flaky Renee and her freaky vision boards. I am so pumped that ABC hired a sound mixer this year, because Renee is always accompanied by some weird new age music that you would hear at the beginning of a Bikram yoga class. Jason approaches a gaggle of women and asks what they are talking about. Shelby is super eager to tell the Bachelor that Renee is in to the law of attraction. Jason looks quizzically at Renee and the other girls sit back to relax and enjoy the show/train wreck.
Renee says that vision boards help you balance your life. It’s simple really. Take a piece of poster board, cut out words in magazines that have blue and purple auroras around them and paste in whimsical designs. Whatever you put on your board comes true. Renee’s board is full of roses, exotic over night dates, forgo cards and an engagement ring from Tiffany’s. She also has one for her dog and herbal therapist.
Status: NO ROSE
Why you remember her: Squinty Shannon is the one who wore fake teeth as she exited the limo. Get it? She’s a dental hygienist. Too bad she forgot to tell him that at the beginning, because the joke would have made more sense. Shannon is also our resident Jason know-it-all.
“Jason. I’m so happy to be here. I’m a 29-year-old Gemini who loves walks in the park and a good teeth cleaning. Don’t worry. I’m not a stalker. I just memorized your Facebook page. You are a 32-year-old single Dad born on July 5. You are generous, sweet, love your younger brother Larry who is dating a girl named Shannon…LIKE ME…and your older brother Ted. Not a stalker really. Anyone could know this stuff. You live at 2483 Seattle Way (I have a friend who works for the Department of Transportation there) and take one packet of sugar and two creams in your morning coffee (you’d be surprised what you can learn from a person’s garbage) before you head out to jog five miles each and every morning. You have exactly 47 ties and I think it’s adorable that you allow Ty to choose the one you will wear to work. Totally not stalking you. Just a fan. Oh. And I love your teeth. They make me want to pull out my tools and drill something.”
Teacher…but currently unemployed
Why you remember her: In the most awkward moment of the night (behind the sofa cushion worthy) Sharon walks up to Jason and sort of half-way starts dancing with him. She then admits that it was a way to hold his hands. LAME! C’mon Sharon. Get your head in the game. She admits that she left her job as a high school Spanish teacher to come across the country to find true love. She believes in destiny, fate and feels there is a strong connection even though the Brazilian supermodel stole her dance moves.
Why you remember her: Shelby is the one that threw Vision Board Renee under the bus when Jason walked up. She also told Jason that she was from Stockton and that it wasn’t that great of a place. Maybe she was trying to casually hint that she would be willing to move to Seattle? No clue.
Status: NO ROSE
Single Mom and Charity Accountant
Why you remember her: Stacia wore a long gown made of purple sequins and told Jason he was a gorgeous man.
Status: NO ROSE
Single Mom and Medical Marketing Rep
Why you remember her: Wow. How could you forget? Stephanie’s husband was killed in a plane crash and she seems genuinely happy to meet Jason. She tells him she is ready to love again. Jason sees they have lots of similarities in their life and that she is a truly amazing person.
Single Mom and Nurse Practitioner
Why you remember her: You wondered where her pole was when she exited the limo and knew that the ABC intern was secretly counting how many singles he had in his wallet. Then you felt bad because Treasure is her real name. Then you forgot about her until just now because you never saw or heard from her again.
Status: NO ROSE
In the deliberation room, we find that the infamous Pier One bureau has been replaced with a wall of fame showcasing each of the Bachelorette bio photos. There’s Jillian with that side pony tail again. Seriously?
Our Host Chris Harrison asks Jason about a few of the girls who stood out.
OHCH: Jason. How do you feel about Shannon knowing all that information about you? Impressive or creepy?
Jason: I thought it showed initiative.
Lincee: I think you need to have the ABC psychotherapist on duty 24/7 and maybe a restraining order on standby. I’m just saying.
OHCH: What about Raquel?
Jason: She’s incredibly sexy.
Lincee: How funny if a mariachi band followed her around instead of the telenovela music?
OHCH: What about Sharon leaving her job for you?
Jason: I would never give her a rose just because she did that.
Lincee: But you did. SUCKER!
So the first rose ceremony is over and roses go to:
Nikki: the first impression beauty queen with boobs
Megan: Holiday Barbie with a potty mouth
Lauren: Staci Keebler look alike/birthday girl
Kari: Poem girl
Naomi: Eva Mendes with a back tat
Natalie: Uneven tan girl
Molly: Dance stealer
Raquel: Telenovela supermodel
Stephanie: Sophia’s Mom
Melissa: The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader
Shannon: Stalker that responded “I thought you would never ask” before Jason asked if she would accept the rose
Lisa: Wompy eyelash girl
Sharon: VIVA EL BACHELOR Y SALSA
Erica: The one who’d chug a beer with Jason while playing guessing games
Poor Stacia is shocked. Renee is consulting her vision board and concludes that she must be in the MIDDLE of it and skips off to cut out more words from LA Yoga Magazine. Jackie feels that he missed out on something great and is upset that she already planned her wedding to Jason. It was going to be on the beach people!
Back in the main house, Jason toasts the remaining 15 girls in a salute to what will be a great year! OPAH someone yells and Stalker Shannon gives that girl a dirty look. Doesn’t she know that DDAHnna was sort of Greek? She jerks her to the side and starts Jason’s story from the beginning. Meanwhile, Raquel suggests they all yell SALUD and Sharon rolls her eyes. Trumped again by the Portuguese girl!
SCENES FROM NEXT WEEK
Apparently, there is going to be a lot of Jason shirtless and hoisting of strapless dresses. And the dude is not afraid to makeout with all the girls. It appears that Megan attacks him on a pool table, but as my friend Jill pointed out, she thinks this is some sort of skit. They seem to be holding scripts in their hands. Let’s hope for that, shall we?
And just when we think it’s going to be all hot tubs and helicopter rides, DD apparently shows up. She professes that she made a mistake with Jesse and that she wants to stay. We see Stalker Shannon hyperventilating and Jason having some sort of seizure as he leans over his balcony wall. WHY TORTURE ME ABC? WHY?
But then it’s back to kissing a bunch of girls and apparently an engagement in a garden of ferns. Pretty.
Well? What did you guys think? Did you have a friend who ruined the DDAHnna moment by calling you up to ask why she was back before you were finished watching the show? (Thanks Reid.) Did you think Jason was Melba toast? Could you eat little Ty up on a piece of that Melba toast when he gave his Dad the thumbs up sign? Will Jillian have other theories she needs to test with various food items? The list is endless. Let’s discuss.
Oh…and head on over to Entertainment Weekly to check out Our Host Chris Harrison’s blog. Dude totally has my dream job…
All about the fame, not the shame,