I feel like this is a high school reunion. We should all stand around in a circle while secretly reading each other’s name tags and tell what we’ve been doing for the past year.

OK…I’ll go first. Got a new job. Oil industry. I have to wear a hard hat. It’s pink.

Now that the boring stuff is out of the way, let’s talk about what REALLY matters since we last spoke…don’t you just LOVE Dancing With the Stars? How about So You Think You Can Dance? If you haven’t seen Roll Bounce or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory…do it. I own both if you would like to borrow them. Sad that Alias is almost over. Excited that Young & the Restless is worth watching again. Love Grey’s Anatomy.

And now for the really really stuff that matters. I GOT TIVO! WHOO HOOOO!

Of course, I was able to pause, rewind, fast forward my way into what is obviously going to be the best Bachelor ever. Not only did ABC and Chris Harrison tell us that, but I genuinely think that they may be on to something…

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies…that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying tofu or have a nail technician that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Right from the start, before any of the women get out of the car, I have a page of notes. Let’s begin with the opening montage, shall we?

ABC decides it is a good idea to shove in our faces a quick video clip of the past Bachelor/Bachelorettes of days gone by. We start off with the Original Bachelor Alex. What a tool. And the b00b chick he chose instead of Trista. We see all of our favorite freaks and several “bless her heart” moments from previous losers. Then they show the three couples out of the 150 episodes that actually still call themselves couples. It’s as if ABC is saying to us, “You sucker. You actually watched this crap. You thought that each time the end result would be happily ever after? WRONG! But you just wait. This season is different. THEY ARE IN PARIS. HELLO! We are taking this to a new level.”

They actually used that phrase. And just for the record, the word chateau was used 27 times, the Eiffel Tower was shown in 9,437 angles, seven women called him “Prince Charming” when meeting and ten dresses worn by the Bachelorettes were low-cut in the crimson red family. In case you are keeping track.

The Bachelor
It wasn’t seeing Travis Stork in the ER of some Nashville hospital.
It wasn’t seeing Travis Stork running in some random park without a shirt. It wasn’t seeing Travis Stork in a fabulous suit with electric blue tie. It was when Travis Stork greeted Chris Harrison by saying “Mayer See” with an absolutely charming accent. That is when I decided that he was hotter than crap and that his proper nickname should be Hot Southern Doctor. He will be HSD from this day forward.
Till death do us part.

The Bachelorettes
Susan
25, Kansas
Financial Associate
Why you remember her: You thought that HSD would give her the “special rose” but ABC tricked you and he gave it to the granola camping chick.
Status: Rose

Cortney
Law Clerk
28, LA
Why you remember her: HSD said he had a full moon delivered just for her. Funny…it didn’t look full to me.
Status: No rose

Kyle
Senior Copy Writer
25, California
Why you remember her: You wonder if you have ever met a girl named Kyle. She promises to get him to like country music. Then you forgot her.
Status: No rose

April
Corporate Real Estate
29, Dallas
Why you remember her: Shoe fell off. Weird neckline on her funky dress.
Status: No rose

Jehan
Vitamin Sales Rep
29, Chicago
Why you remember her: How do you say her name again? Again? One more time? And what does HSD reply? “Gee-hand.” How precious is that?
Status: Rose

Kristen
Marketing Director
25, California
Why you remember her: Gave HSD a shot glass in hopes that “they had a shot to get to know one another.” Let’s all say it together…bless her heart.
What you asked yourself when she got a rose: Are you kidding me?

Jennifer
Model
25, Boston
Why you remember her: She thinks she and HSD would make “cute little babies”
Status: Rose

Tara
Retail Sales (huh? The Gap maybe?)
23, California
Why you remember her: The red head who kept hoisting her bronze dress up
Status: Rose

Venus
Yeah…uhm…who?

Moana
Distribution Manager
26, LA
Why you remember her: Told the HSD that life was all about taking risks as she tossed her hair to show off the leaf earrings
Status: Rose

Cole (what is with the boy names?)
Sales Executive
26, California
Why you remember her: You remember her b00bs. Yes you do. Admit
it. I think HSD remembered them too, because he admitted that he couldn’t wait to talk to her. Said she was the first one out of the limo. And what part of the body would be first when exiting a limo?
The b00bs. I’m right.
Status: Rose

Sara
Got nothing.

Lisa
I’m really searching here.

Princess
African-American chick with cool dress

Liza
Seriously…did I even watch this show?

Sarah S.
Kindergarten Teacher
26, Tennessee
Why you remember her: Shout out to the home town…NASHVILLE! What if they were related? Now that would be a great show!
Status: Rose

Kathy

Jaime
Physician Recruiter
29, Virginia
Why you initially remember her: That voice. That accent.
Why you really remember her: The random twirly bun on the not-so-side of her head.
Status: No rose

Elizabeth
Social Worker
24, New Hampshire
Why you remember her: You don’t. You looked her up on the ABC website like I did.
Status: Rose

Yvonne
CFO of Marketing Firm
29, Florida
Why you remember her: As she steps out of the limo, she says in her best valley girl voice, “Love the suit, love the tie, matches the eyes…love the package.”
Why you hid behind your legal pad thinking NO NO NO NO NO to yourself in embarrassment: Yvonne is the chick that rains on Psycho’s parade as she is promising her eggs to HSD
Status: Rose

Shiloh
Advertising Manager
29, Arizona
Why you remember her: Only chick with yellow dress.
Status: Rose

Ali D
NBA Dancer
26, Washington
Why you remember her: Wants a guy to chop wood.
Status: No rose

Stephanie
I’m out.

Allie
Doctor
33, Florida
Why you remember her: Should I even dignify this with an answer?
Should I waste my time and energy on typing? Who cares that ABC hired some actress to pretend to be a doctor and talk about reproduction on national TV. Who cares that she followed the producers around asking for a new Bachelor because this one lies about not wanting to reproduce…rambling about some cart before the horse and eggs rotting. I won’t waste my time.
Status: No rose

Sarah
Student
23, Canada
Why you remember her: You wonder if there were 3 or 4 bobby pins holding up her hair and thought it was sweet that her friend loaned her a pretty dress to wear while in Paris shooting the Bachelor.
Status: Received the special rose

Looks like it is going to be THE BEST SEASON EVER! Next week, there will be tears, broken hearts and exotic dates to far off places like…Milwaukee! Stay tuned and remember to go rent/Netflick/purchase Roll Bounce!

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee