Hotter Than Crap Brad: 2.0
In keeping with seven years of Bachelor tradition, I’ve sized up a few of the ladies based solely on geography, looks and bio answers. It is an exhilarating task that I am happy to take on in anticipation of the first show of the season.
Take their careers for example. Not only do we have two nannies and a funeral director, but we also have a self-proclaimed manscaper. You go Raichel! I think the best opening line would be to persuade Hotter Than Crap Brad to let you inspect his current hairless chest situation to see if it is up to current manscaping standards.
Note to my Mother:
Manscaping is a term that refers to grooming, clipping, waxing and the general maintenance of superfluous hairy parts on a man.
The written word. Favorite books. Oh the literature these women submerse themselves in! Kudos to them for not submitting to the pressure of naming every book you were forced to read in ninth-grade English. Several rejoice in their love for Stephanie Myers, Nicholas Sparks and Candace Buchnell. Besides, everyone knows that Jacob Black, Noah Calhoun and Carrie Bradshaw are among such literary icons as Elizabeth Bennett, Tom Ripley and Sir Lancelot.
And even though the majority have easy-to-spot tattoos in traditional locations, it will be exciting to see if Hotter Than Crap Brad will be privileged to discover those which are hidden in “special” places.
I’d like to take this time to focus on six ladies that struck me as interesting. We’ll begin with
Pro: When I first read Brit’s bio, it said, and I quote, “Tinkerbell is my life, my heart and my everything.” Naturally, my first instinct is to shout YES because we have some sort of Disney freak on our hands.
Con: Alas, she’s talking about her dog.
Pro: Somehow, Brit managed to reveal a ton of interesting information by answering five simple questions. She has a pet rabbit, idolizes Martha Stewart, loves food, dressing up and throws in that she’s a gymnast for good measure. She also knows sign language. I’m calling that she signs something to Brad when she greets him from her limo exit. Then she mysteriously slinks off behind the bougainvillea into the mansion. We laugh at the minor confusion when Brad learns that Brit is not deaf.
Con: No tats.
Pro: Her Saturdays include power yoga, hard alcohol and severe dancing in…and I’m betting…on a bar. She doesn’t even need a whole name because her personality is that commanding.
Con: Admitting to the world that you pee’d your pants in sixth grade is not intimidating J. Don’t make me lower case your name.
Pro: She seems like a cool artist chick who is up for adventure and will write about it later in the journal she made from banana tree leaves out by the pool.
Con: She’s from Rhode Island. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I just think Mr. Womack would prefer a southern girl.
Pro: She’s darling! And she’s from Texas. I think HTCB has a thing for brunettes, so that’s a plus. She seems girl next door-ish in a non Playboy bunny way.
Con: She’s 28. She might be a little old for our Bachelor who prefers browsing in the junior section.
Pro: She seems like a fun girl and happens to be gorgeous.
Con: A pesky hair that constantly grows out of the mole on her face forces her to never be far from her trusty tweezers. Now where is she going to put those while frolicking in a hot tub?
It’s been four months, 16 weeks or 112 days since we co-crowned Crazy Dave and Natalie winners of the Bachelor Pad. It’s been a long time. Let the games BEGIN!
See you guys in the morning. Until then,
I’m all about the shame, not the fame,