Bachelor Matt Recap: Varsity Blues
Bachelor Matt Recap | Episode 4 |
Just when Matt James thinks he’s figured out the business of being the bachelor, Our Host Chris Harrison waltzes in and changes the game. Poor Matty is still super bummed about Sarah’s unexpected decision to return home, that even his fluffy buffalo check fleece can’t assuage the feelings of forlornness. Adding five new women into the mix is a recipe for cataclysmic events.
Unless one of those women has a Michelle Obama vibe.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you follow on TicTok happens to know, sort of know personally, or is friends with the local Starbucks barista who’s obsessed with Bridgerton and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show — none of this is personal. I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Before we can get into the nuts and bolts of a fresh crop of women, we have to completely skip the group date from last week and hustle through the cocktail party, even though these women have gone to extensive lengths to showcase their boobs in new and fascinating ways.
Kaili prefers an inch of bedazzled material to cut her cleavage in half. MJ dons a shirt dress cinched at the waist, with nary a button fastened. And Pieper goes all-in with her plunging neckline “prepping for open-heart surgery” look. Matt James takes a sip of his Vodka cranberry spritzer and tries to forget that Sarah was even a thing. The show must go on.
It’s Chelsea who breaks through the bachelor’s funk. She manages to spark some glimpse of emotion when she shows him a picture of her when she used to have hair. She shares that she grew up surrounded by mostly white people and always worried about chemically straightening her hair. She feels free now that she’s embraced her lack of follicle glory, and Matt James loves her for it.
They make out and he gives her the date rose.
Meanwhile, Victoria and Katie go to the mattresses after Victoria claims “the trash took itself out” upon hearing Sarah’s exit. Katie barks for Victoria to pipe down, therefore, securing herself a place on the other side of Vicky’s wrath.
Vick: “I would love an apology. I wasn’t done expressing myself when you rudely interrupted me.”
Katie: “You can do whatever you want. If you want to be toxic and rude, go for it.”
Vick: “Like you express yourself with your Pavelka?”
Katie: “I love my Pavelka. You’re just insecure. If you’re being a b!tch, I’m going to tell you you’re being a b!tch.”
Vick: “Don’t call me that. You’re a b!tch. And if you try and shut me down again, I probably wouldn’t.”
Katie: “Whatever. I’m not going to apologize.”
Did Vicky just get schooled by the Pavelka-lover? Or is Katie the most reasonable person we’ve ever seen on this show? I don’t know, but I can’t wait to find out!
Did anyone notice Pieper’s earrings? They looked like old-timey diaper safety pins, with a charming pearl nestled in the bottom. My friend Stephanie thinks Pieper went above and beyond during quarantine and probably set up a trendy little Etsy shop during the lockdown months. For only fifty bucks, you too could wear vintage safety hazards on your lobes like all the cool kids are doing at the Neapolitan!
The word you’re looking for is — anyway…
Kit thinks that the chemistry is there with Matt James, which makes the viewing audience wonder if Kit’s definition of “chemistry” is a face that conveys a complete lack of interest in both parties.
Victoria swoops in to inform Matt James that she has updated the nondescript moniker “queen” to one that better emphasizes her voluptuous body in an ice blue pageant gown from the nineties. You may call her Queen Elsa. The fact that she’s semi-annoyed with Anna, who is vying for alone time with Matt, is a happy coincidence.
Just as Victoria slides into her bedroom voice, Our Host approaches the pair with certain authority and demands Matt James stand and follow him immediately. Matty’s face reveals that he’s worried he’s in trouble as he obeys the Wise One. Hare takes him to the front of the resort, points him in the direction of the driveway, and enlightens the tall drink of water that thousands of women applied to be on the show and five more are about to descend.
He slaps Matty on the back and wishes him luck. Matty swallows back bile and plasters on a charming face that fools no one.
Girls scramble inside to try and figure out why Chris Harrison has graced them with his presence while it’s still dark outside. He usually wanders up at the rooster’s crow. What is going on?
Serena C. has no qualms, so she peeks through the front window, scouting an advancing limousine. Many believe it’s Sarah who is coming back, and all are shocked when a stranger’s long, tan leg slinks out of the open door.
Her name is Brittany and she’s a model from Chicago. She’d like to make up for lost time, so she grabs Matt James’ face and plants a long, sensuous kiss on his lips. I’ll say this: He doesn’t hate it.
Brittany waltzes into the Lion’s Den and purrs, “Surprise. He saved the best for last.”
Victoria calls her a slore. That’s an amalgamation of slut and whore if you are too refined to figure that out yourself.
Michelle, the teacher, is next, and she is ADORABLE with a capital AH! She clearly buys into Michelle Obama’s arm exercise regime and is about as fun-loving as our former first lady. Matty instantly connects with her, and the other girls can tell from their perch on the balcony.
There’s a girl named Ryan who shows up in a gold dress. Kim, who wears a tropical-inspired bikini top and sarong, perfect for luau night on the Lido Deck.
And then there’s Catalina, the current Miss Puerto Rico Universe, complete with sash and crown. Let the record show that Victoria immediately snatches the crown off Catalina’s head and puts it on her own, not skipping a beat.
The claws have officially come out. We now have a Varsity and a JV team. And Matt James is probably the least equipped dude in the world to deal with this particular brand of drama. However, he does meet with each new girl personally, since a rose ceremony looms in the distance.
This, of course, ticks off the majority of the women who have been there for THREE WHOLE WEEKS. How dare the newbies show up and act like they own the show.
I would traditionally yawn and tell everyone to calm down. But the interesting part is that Matt James KEPT four of the five women who were fresh out of quarantine! Poor Kim will have to sail away to another port. And she’ll have to take Kaili and Khaylah with her. I’m sure this “K Klub” will dominate the limbo contest on shrimp buffet night.
“Let’s Fall in Love”
Ben Higgins is here! And we learn that he’s just as tall as Matt James, which makes him more attractive than before. He’s quick to tell Mari, Bri, Abigail, Brit, Ryan, Catalina, Magi, Anna, and Victoria that they shouldn’t feel weird at all that he’s about to make them dress up like squirrels. It’s part of the fun and quirkiness of The Bachelor. Let’s own it.
First, the ladies must hop into a huge, gorged out pumpkin and paddle their way across the glistening lake. Then they wriggle into a squirrel costume before digging around a massive pile of colorful fall leaves, which hides a huge personalized nut. Once your nut is located, you must place it in your mouth (hello COVID!) and scurry across a balance beam to the finish line.
Guess what? The winner gets a special prize!
Nine women salivate at the thought of alone time with Matt James. When Ben gives the all-clear, they burst into action! Except for Magi. She has never needed to use a paddle in Ethiopia, so the mechanics behind the obscure tool are foreign to her, as is the large gourd with which she sits.
Mari wins the big prize, which turns out to be a set of bronze nuts. Would she have put so much effort into crawling around in a pile of leaves or allowing a stuffed nut to dangle from her teeth if she had known this was the end goal? I think not.
At the cocktail party, our bachelor steals Anna away, and she is P-U-M-P-E-D. She is deep into explaining her love of water sports when newbie Brittany shows up to steal Matty James away. THE AUDACITY!
Anna lets Brit know that she can have him in five minutes, but the interruption totally throws Anna off her game. She’s infuriated, so she seeks out her sister Queen Elsa to complain about Brittany’s evil ways.
Anna seethes and offers a secret to the worst person in the world to confide any illicit information.
Anna: “I heard rumors before I left. People went out of their way to tell me things.”
This isn’t Victoria’s first rodeo. She waits patiently in the pregnant silence that follows.
Anna: “She entertains men for money. She may be an escort. She has transactional relationships with men.”
Lincee: “So you’re saying she’s a slore?”
While Anna and Queen Elsa figure out how to proceed with the current knowledge, Bri makes out with Matt and secures the date rose.
I guess this turn of events sets Anna off because after Matt James leaves the group, Anna decides that this particular moment, with all girls sitting in a semi-circle, is the perfect time to address the slore in the room.
Anna: “I want to make sure your intentions are pure. I’ve been getting messages from people in Chicago saying for me to watch out for you because you’re an escort and stuff.”
Lincee: “Way to work it into the conversation, Anna.”
Brittany is appalled for two reasons. First, it’s untrue. Second, she can’t believe Anna has been spreading this rumor around the house.
Anna: “Okay. I’m glad we had this chat.”
Anna has officially usurped Victoria as THE WORST.
Newbie Michelle Obama
“Let’s Make Up for Lost Time”
I love this girl. I have to say that in the three minutes I’ve known her, she’s impressed me far beyond her impressive biceps. After zip-lining, answering icebreaker questions, and making out in a hot air balloon, I can definitely see Matt James falling for Obama Girl. She is a delight, and she makes him laugh.
I don’t think we can skirt by that very important detail.
She came in an underdog for sure, yet this one newbie gets the only one-on-one of the week! She challenges him, for sure, but giggles like a school girl when they both answer at the same time that they one day want three children.
MFEO! MFEO! MFEO!
Also, Bri and Abigail better step up their games.
Matt James tells Michelle at dinner that his favorite part of the date was when’s she walked up at the very beginning. He also mentions that the day FLEW BY, which is a sign of a successful date. They discuss their shared passions, which include helping the next generation thrive and how they will make a difference in the lives of those who cross their paths.
Michelle: “At the end of the day, people won’t remember what you said or did. They will remember how you made them feel.”
Matt James: “Maya Angelou.”
And that, my friends, is when Michelle fell in love with Matt James.
SECOND GROUP DATE
“Are You Willing To Fight For Love?”
I find it odd that Matt James stays at the Neocolopatain, which you can imagine has state-of-the-art workout facilities, yet Matty prefers to hoist trees and pull sleds uphill in the woods for his morning workout.
Ten women clad in various shades of Spandex don’t seem to mind his shirtless exercises as they scramble up the hill to try and execute the perfect Jump & Straddle™. Mia St. John, a famous world boxing champion lady, is not impressed and insists on taking the ladies through a few drills as Matt continues to do pushups on the mossy floor of the Pennsylvania forest.
To no one’s surprise, this group date is all about taking one’s aggression out on another human being, preferably in the face. I’m telling you. There was a crack to the nose and a punch to the jugular that made me wince just watching. What in the world?! These little tiny women are feisty and appear outraged at one another!
No wonder Matt James called off the fights, just as Our Host Chris Harrison and Wells were really finding their comedic stride. There are no rules in Bachelor Fight Club. Just passive-aggressive statements.
At the after-party, Matt James praises the women for “bringing it” during the group date and commends them for pushing themselves and “experiencing growth.” Then he makes sure the ABC Intern is quick to fetch Serena P. an icepack for her nose and some ointment for Rachel’s deeply bruised arms.
MJ is quick to remind everyone that the fight would have been different if any of the newbies had been slated against the OGs. Katie does her best to defend the women who aren’t there to defend themselves, but she’s met with eye rolls and dismissive waves of hands.
So Katie decides to break the cardinal rule of the Bachelor franchise. She seeks out Matt James so she can tell him stone-cold truths about what’s going on in the house. Typically, we get a “she’s not here for the right reasons” speech, but in Katie’s case, she presents her findings a different way.
She thinks the house can do better. She warns Matt James that he would be shocked by the things that these women are saying about the new girls. Katie even adds that, in some cases, the rumors could ruin a career or impact a family.
Katie: “It’s hard for me to stand up for these women when we have a mob mentality. The house is toxic. I figure if we are all in one room, it would be better coming from you that we need to do better.”
Matty shows an emotion that borderlines anger, although I’m not sure if he’s ever been outraged by anything. This is a new feeling, and he is going to explore it further. He’ll do this by withholding roses for a few select women next week.
Anna will soon learn that love is not an open door when it comes to Matt James. And Queen Elsa will more than likely have to let it go.