I’m itchy and need hand sanitizer. It must be recap day.

We all know from watching the behind the scenes specials that Bachelor creator Mike Fleiss is a dirty old man. After watching last night’s show, I find it odd that it took eight years and 20 combined seasons of the Bachelor and Bachelorette for Fleiss to come up with this idea of throwing “love” out the window and taking an “amazing journey” to the raunchier corners of his mind in order to manipulate, calculate and ultimately win a quarter of a million dollars.

Of course he’s going to choose former rejected players who were straight up crazy or category six a-holes. That’s obviously a given when it comes to good trashy TV. But kudos to Fleiss for stirring several helpings of unexpected drama into the pot. Who knew he hosted “Bachelor reunions” on the side? After years and years of mixers, cruises and clam bakes on the beach, you can imagine the heated make out sessions and random hook ups that were initiated from one too many tequila shots in the grotto. Clearly, these orgies have been a calculated maneuver to help entertain the viewing audience with the most vulgar display ABC has ever aired on prime time television. We are one inch away from crossing the Super Bowl XXXVIII NippleGate line. And from the strategically placed black modesty box that was covering Natalie’s pantie-less crotch last night, it looks like we are going to be flirting with the FCC all season long.

Fun! Break out the Germ Squirt and let the recapping begin!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone on your Twitter account happens to personally know, sort of know, friends with the nephew/former classmate of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying New Moon on DVD or have a Jazzercize instructor that looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

I love that Our Host Chris Harrison doesn’t even greet us anymore. There’s no need. He knows we know who he is. Smooth. Poised. Simply classic.

He commands the circle driveway with a smoldering confidence. His megawatt smile and dazzling blue eyes smize with the camera. From his casual attire, we know this isn’t the traditional reality dating show we’ve all come to love to hate to love. Aside from the crisp blue shirt and accompanying blazer, Harrison is wearing jeans.

If memory serves me correctly, Our Host has worn jeans two times prior to this blessed occasion. We all remember his Diesels in Istanbul as he stifled laughter during Ali’s spontaneous poetry reading, but who could forget him looking darling in denim when he greeted the girls during their road trip to meet Jake who was dressed up like a lumberjack that day which was weird because they were in a vineyard.

I’m off track.

My point? Harrison can rock a pair of jeans. Harrison can rock a suit. Heretofore, Harrison just plain rocks.

He stands in front of the circle drive fountain with red roses flanking either side. He explains that all 19 contestants will be living under one roof AND sleeping in one bedroom. They will all be competing for $250,000 and perhaps…a second chance at lust. Grab a mimosa and let’s meet the contestants!

In Order of Appearance

Tenley
Season: Bachelor Jake
Why you remember her: She danced the dance of her heart for Jake. It was lyrical. Jake was disappointed by the lack of stripper pole extending from the ceiling, but he smiled just the same. In case you hadn’t heard, she’s divorced. She is the resident welcome wagon greeter and squeals with delight as each contestant enters the room.

Boy Jesse
Season: Bachelorette Ali
Why you remember him: Jesse is the low maintenance mysterious guy from Small Town, USA. He has 15.3 tattoos and loves his dog. Has a major thing for…

Natalie
Season: Bachelor Jason
Why you remember her: She likes bears. She’s friends with all the other Bachelors thanks to super awesome reunions from days of yore. She is BFF with Crazy Dave and will more than likely have no problems performing naughty tasks in order to win the money or have some alone time with Boy Jesse. She steps out of the limo in a unique fashion choice: strapless flower shirt with never nudes.

Crazy Dave
Season: Bachelorette Jillian
Why you remember him: Crazy Dave became “Crazy Dave” when he freaked out that a fellow Bachelor did not partake in the pre-rose ceremony whiskey shot. He and Natalie greet each other as if they were old friends. They have so much in common…a love for booze and their reflection in the mirror.

Grandma Gwen
Season: Aaron—the Original Bachelor
Why you remember her: You don’t because none of you watched the show back then. She is ??-years-old and is, according to Crazy Dave, “older than the rest of us…kind of like a Mom.” She seems very sweet and with probably be kicked off the show early on.

Girl Jessie
Season: Bachelor Jake and official show tattle tale
Why you remember her: Girl Jessie barely uttered four sentences during her entire season of the Bachelor. However, one of those sentences just happened to be, “Hey Harrison, Roz is schtupping the executive producer. I think that’s grounds for kicking her oot of the hoose, eh?” On her last day in the mansion, she revealed to Jake that Vienna was not there for the right reasons, informing him that she carries a dog around like it’s a baby and her hair extension are beginning to smell sort of rank. Furthermore, Girl Jessie outed Rated-R as a fake while consoling his girlfriend by calling Justin a hoser. According to most of the men in the house, Jessie is smoking hot with a good body. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, I’m pretty sure she is related to some higher ups at the company. Perhaps her talent for finding out dirty little secrets has enabled her to blackmail her way on the show? We will probably never know.

Weatherman
Season: Bachelorette Ali
Why you remember him: One of my favorite parts of the night is when Harrison yells, “WEATHERMAN” as the Weatherman exits his limo. And the awesome graphics folks over at ABC even label him as WEATHERMAN when he gives voiceovers. I’m not even going to waste brain power to try and remember his real name. Bless his little shaven chest, Weatherman is obviously intimidated by all the hot bodies. And the girls aren’t bad either. He laments that the worst thing would be to see Coiffed Craig saunter in with his big can of hairspray. (Such subtle foreshadowing.)

Nikki
Season: Bachelor Jason
Why you remember her: We were first introduced to Nikki back in the day as she polished her dining room table while wearing a crown and a Miss Illinois sash. Our next encounter was not really with Nikki, but more with her boobs. Spilling forth from a yellow dress, the ABC camera guy can’t help but focus in on them. She’s excited at what this journey might bring and is looking to have a good time…with anyone but Juan. Apparently, they dated briefly and then he hooked up with another girl. Of course, the next to enter into the Bachelor Pad is…

Juan
Season: Bachelorette Jillian
Why you remember him: You thought he would be excited to see the Weatherman, but this whole “dated Nikki” thing has you completely thrown off. Thankfully, Natalie reveals that he went to Chicago and needed a place to stay and the only way he could get a room and not freeze to death from the blistering winds was to sleep with Nikki. At least that’s what she heard from the reunion when everyone met up in LA for miniature golf and sushi.

Wes Hayden (aka—He Who Must Not Be Named)
Season: Bachelorette Jillian
Why you remember him: He is the self-proclaimed “most notorious villain in Bachelor history.” He “what’s up amigo?” Harrison as he steps out of the limo. Harrison immediately responds, “Where’s your guitar?” followed by an obligatory, “You are single, right?” Again. This is why we love Harrison. The smattering of gray whiskers on HWMNBN’s chin lets us know that he has matured since we last saw him. You can only play so many bars in Chihuhua, Mexico before the locals start demanding new material. Opening for Darryl Worley during the 7:00 show at the Dixie Chicken just doesn’t cut it anymore. He is in it to win it and is physically and mentally prepared.

Krisily
Season: Bachelor Charlie
Why you remember her: You don’t.

Elizabeth
Season: Bachelor Jake
Why you remember her: First, you remember her as a brunette. (Tone down the peroxide honey.) Wearing a blue and white borderline cocktail dress appropriate for an outdoor ladies brunch at the Plaza, Elizabeth admits that she is “twitterpated” with Jesse Kovacs. She is also the resident manipulator. And is a master at pulling the strings of one…

Boy Jesse #2 (further known as Kovacs)
Season: Bachelorette Jillian
Why you remember him: Jesse was the wine maker that made his move about one day too late during Jillian’s season. He admits that he hooked up with Elizabeth when the Bachelor alums went horseback riding through the Grand Canyon. Since she went blond, Kovacs sees her more as a friend. He acknowledges that money is more important than love.

Kiptyn
Season: Bachelorette Jillian
Why you remember him: I’d like to thank Our Host Chris Harrison for the blatant shout out to me when he asked how Kip’s abs were doing. I think it is a travesty that we didn’t get to see them up close and personal during this episode and I have submitted a strongly written letter to the ABC editing department for their disgusting disregard of that beautiful six pack. Rumor has it that Tenley and Kip have a bit of a spark flying between them. I would be willing to bet that was true since Tenley made a sound like a banshee when Kip walked through the door. She also flung herself on him with reckless abandon and giggled like a school girl for the next 20 minutes.

Ashley
Season: Bachelor Jake
Why you remember her: She received nothing more than a mention when she entered the mansion. She silently cursed whomever advised her NOT to where the flight attendant outfit, remembering how perfectly it worked to garner the attention of Jake.

Peyton
Season: Lieutenant Doctor Bachelor Andy Baldwin
Why you remember her: She also received less than five seconds of introduction. I personally have a special place in my heart for Peyton after Lt. Dr. Baldwin left her on an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean waving from a helicopter.

Michelle
Season: Bachelor Jake
Why you remember her: To quote Natalie, “OMG. She’s the CRAZY one.” To quote Wes Hayden: “She has the hottest body in the house, but you have to worry about her chopping your thing off in the middle of the night.”

Gia
Season: Bachelor Jake
Why you remember her: Gia is the swimsuit model from New York who may or may not have family connections to the Sicilian Mafia. According to her, she has a boyfriend. According to the majority of the men in the house, they don’t seem to care.

Coiffed Craig
Season: Bachelorette Ali
Why you remember him: How could you miss the turquoise top, white pants and boat shoes? Someone get this guy a fruity umbrella drink and put on some Harry Belafante because he is ready to kill the limbo on the lido deck. Craig is quick to slap the Weatherman on the back and fill out his “Hello My Name Is” name tag with the word “Dangerous.”

Our Host Chris Harrison clinks his champagne glass and welcomes the group to the inaugural season of the Bachelor Pad. Everyone has a chance for love, lust and money! He explains that each week there will be a competition among contestants. The winner will receive a rose (therefore immunity) and will be given the opportunity to go on an intimate date with the guy or girl of your choice. You vote someone off each week. Guys vote off a girl. Girls vote off a guy. Since there is so much going on, they have brought back one of the most popular Bachelorettes ever…Melissa Rycroft…to help Chris out.

As if Harrison needs a co-host. Please. This guy has ABC wrapped around his finger. Clearly he has zero interest in the shenanigans of the Bachelor Pad. If you are Chris Harrison, it’s easy to find love. Just snap your fingers and a plethora of Victoria’s Secret models are at your beckon call. And who needs 250K when you drink Cristal with diamonds in the glass? The bottom line is that Harrison was promised major cash to show up and referee a game of naked Twister. Can you blame him for negotiating a co-host?

No. No you can’t.

Harrison encourages the kids to go explore the mansion. After a few minutes, we find that the doors have all been locked with the exception of one. Natalie is the first to bust through and find 20 bunk beds. That’s right people! You’re dreams of sneaking out at night and canoeing over to the co-ed side of the lake to spy on the kids of the opposite sex at summer camp has finally come true!

Weatherman: “Maybe with a set up like this, it will help my chances.”

Bless him.

Beauty Queen Nikki is already skeptical. How is she supposed to wake up in the morning with a beautiful man mere inches away when she has morning breath and no makeup? Natalie has other things to worry about…like announcing to everyone in the room and the world that she is sans panties. Remembering the small details are the hardest.

Everyone changes into their swimwear and I am again irritated that we didn’t get a money shot of Kip’s abs. What in the world?

All the girls pile up together and decide that Craig M. needs to go home because he was so mean to the Weatherman. They high five each other because they were able to work together as a team so seamlessly. Tenley performs an interpretive dance to celebrate the moment. Krisily rolls her eyes and reminds everyone that she’s a b!tch. (Her words…not mine.)

Since Harrison had a few more inches to smoke on a sweet Cuban cigar he got as a thank you gift from Roberto, he sends Melissa off to start the competition without him. The contestants are summoned from the pool area out into the front yard where a ginormous Twister game has been set up. Melissa instructs everyone to take their places around the board.

Melissa begins calling out instructions. Right foot blue. Left hand red. After about four rounds, the Twister board became an erotic sea of tumbling boobs, ripped abs, round butts, silicone, glistening pecs and crotches galore. Butts were in faces. Faces were in crotches. Crotches were straddling other legs. It was a hot mess. The flight attendant was the first to crash and burn. Immediately after, Rycroft barks out that Tenley’s butt hit the ground and a hush fell over the tangled crowd.

Tenley. The dancer. The girl who had the flexibility of a Romanian gymnast was out of the game. Her lower lip starts to tremble as she experiences defeat for the second time in her life. She wonders what she ever did to Melissa to make her hate her so much?

Harrison arrives in a hot pink Armani pullover with worn jeans looking relaxed. Somewhere in California, Ali is taking notes on how to properly pull off neon without looking like an 80s throwback. He’s secretly annoyed that there are still so many left in the game. In a bit of irony, he begins booting people off left and right, reminding them that they actually don’t know their left from their right.

It comes down to Girl Jessie and Craig. Elizabeth begins heckling Mr. Dangerous, telling him that he is going home if he doesn’t win because the girls are voting him off. Meanwhile, Girl Jessie makes a deal with Craig, “If I win, I’ll take you. If you win, you take me.” Girl Jessie throws the match and Craig is the winner.

Craig: “I got the first rose. I’m the Bachelor! I feel like the king of the hoose!”

Harrison tells Craig that he gets to choose three women to take on the date with him. One rose will be given out and that girl gets immunity. Clearly, Elizabeth has switched gears and slowly figures out how to woo the king.

Craig asks for some one-on-one time with Elizabeth. She pretends to be put out with the request and follows him to the bunk room. She explains that she just got a “vibe” from him and he needs to prove his worthiness by winning her over.

Of course Wes Hayden can spot the charm from a mile away. He is sort of turned on by her vicious tactics to win the game.

Back in the kitchen, crazy Michelle channels Kasey and sings the song that’s in her heart while running a finger over Craig’s broad shoulders. Luckily, the mansion was on lockdown and she wasn’t able to skip out and get a tattoo to show her true affection for the man with all the power.

It’s finally bed time and everyone climbs into their bunks. The lights are turned out and the night vision camera is turned on. All the contestants look eerily like nocturnal animals as they cock their heads in confusion and inevitable realization that someone is making out. The smacking sounds and creaking bed springs are undeniable.

The next morning, Dave decides to get to the bottom of the mystery:

Crazy Dave: “I heard smacking noises last night.”
Tenley: “Oh my goodness. I couldn’t sleep because of it. It was so distracting. I had to start choreographing a routine in my head because I was so embarrassed.”

Crazy Dave: “Jesse?”
Boy Jesse: “Yeah?”
Crazy Dave: “Dude. Did you hook up?”
Boy Jesse (unfazed): “No.”

Tenley: “I think it was Michelle and Craig.”
Crazy Dave: “Gross.”

For the next five minutes, the news travels all around the mansion. Everyone thinks Michelle is hooking up with Craig to get the rose.

These people aren’t just pretty. They can certainly put two and two together when challenged.

Michelle is not happy to wake up and find that someone has started a rumor about her and Craig. She will get to the bottom of it and is willing to bet her boiled bunny that she will get revenge.

Someone knocks at the door and Girl Jessie runs to fetch the date card. I thought it was random that she fetched the date card podium as well, but whatever.

Coiffed Craig is called to the living room. He takes great pride in reading “sometimes you have to get a little cold to feel the heat.”

He chooses Girl Jessie, Elizabeth and in a sudden twist…Grandma Gwen on his threesome. Craig invites the ladies to join him in the limo. Proving that ABC did actually encourage the contestants to wear nothing but swimsuits and underwear, Girl Jessie ensemble consists of a red string bikini and heels. Nice.

Craig pulls Elizabeth away again for some alone time at the beach, doing his best to convince her that he isn’t evil. He also reminds her that she was quite the tease to Jake. She says that she never hurt anyone in the process and leans in for an almost kiss and then pulls away while asking if there is anyone in the house he would want to make out with. When he answers “You,” she lets him kiss her forehead and then she leaves him confessing to the camera that he was SO CLOSE.

Back at the mansion, Natalie and Boy Jesse are making out by the fire telling each other how adorable they are. Juan confides in Gia that he is not in this game for love, but to win the money. Gia thanks him for not thinking with his penis.

Across town, Craig’s limo pulls up to the Greek Theater and a waiting Melissa Rycroft looks serious among rows and rows of empty seats. She reads the note card Harrison wrote for her explaining that Craig must now choose someone to keep for an intimate date while the other two are sent back home. Craig chooses Girl Jessie. I assume they are forming an alliance. They bound off together to awkwardly dance to the Alex Band Band in a private concert. As viewers, we have been there…done that…19 times.

I feel it is my duty to remind the male readers of this blog to please, PLEASE learn how to dance. The activity that was displayed on that make-shift living room set-up in front of the stage was miles away from anything close to dancing. Unacceptable. A simple two-step will always do. And so help me if you bite your bottom lip…

A distraught Elizabeth slinks back into the mansion with Gwen, demanding that someone fixes her a drink. Then she asks for a private audience with Kovacs.

From what I can gather, Elizabeth and Kovacs sort of dated, but not really. He says that she likes him more than he is willing to like her. I know. Clear as mud. She boldly proclaimed several times to anyone who listened that she loves him and is okay with the fact that he doesn’t have feelings for her. She cries about this all the time and would apologize for being an emotional wreck.

Kovacs: “Elizabeth. Some of the girls are under the impression that they can’t talk to me because you called dibs. People think that we are exclusive. This is a competition. I need to know what you said to them.”
Elizabeth: “I said that I am in love with Kovacs and I don’t think like he feels the same. You want me to pretend I don’t have feelings and whore myself out?”

Kovacs: “I never said that.”
Elizabeth: “The core group likes me. But if you treat me poorly, it can have negative consequences on you.”

Kovacs: “Are you threatening me?”
Elizabeth smiles.

A confused Kovacs shares his troubles with Crazy Dave who offers to rally the guys and vote Elizabeth off the island. Kovacs thanks him for having his back and they hug it out bro style.

Back in the bunk room, Michelle is ready to lock Tenley in the closet for starting the rumor that she and Craig hooked up. In a strategic move, Michelle is able to escape the camera man who follows her crazy self around 24-hours-a-day by tricking him into thinking she has to go pee. We heard a few BLEEPS and some banging around on the door before a pathetic looking Tenley shuffles out with only her toothbrush as protection.

Tenley: “Michelle came in the bathroom and had her foot on the door and I couldn’t get out. (sniffle) She was yelling at me and I didn’t know what to do. (sniffle) It was like I was Cinderella and she was one of the wicked step sisters. I thought she was going to make me scrub the toilet with my toothbrush. I was stuck in there! (sniffle) I know she’s five-foot and weighs 98 pounds soaking wet, but what was I supposed to do? Fire came out of her eyes and she began speaking in awful, filthy language. (sniffle) I just kept waiting for my knight in shining armor to show up, but he was too busy doing a set of 1,000 crunches before bed. I don’t feel safe here.”

Elizabeth finds out who tells Ashley who tells Gia who leans down under her bunk to tell Kip. Who was shirtless…but had his covers pulled up to his chin. This was the moment! The ab-tastic moment we’ve all been waiting for! Kip was going to rescue the fair maiden which meant he had to get out of bed without a shirt!

But he doesn’t, therefore, no abs. CURSES ABC! CURSES!!!!

There’s a lot of drama, hooching and sucking up going on. And this is just the first day. Natalie and Boy Jesse are now sharing a bed about to get busy when Weatherman reminds them that he is “still in the room guys!” Juan is sucking up to Nikki by apologizing for his bad behavior. Krisily thinks that the girls should vote off the athletic boys. Natalie tells the athletic boys. Elizabeth continues to cry about how she’s in love with Kovacs and then tells him that the girls wanted to vote him off, but she convinced them to keep him because she is everything that is sweet and good rolled up into one. She demands he play the role of “doting boyfriend” and apologize to everyone for hurting her. He agrees and then hands her both of his balls.

We hear the subtle clinking of a champagne glass and regale in the glory that is Our Host Chris Harrison. Then we see his tie and wonder which A-list movie star or top-selling rap artist bet him to wear such an awful choice on inaugural night. Then we wish we hung out with Harrison all the time just to see what awesome is truly like.

The contestants must each go into the deliberation room and select one photo from the Pier One Bureau and place it in the ballot box. The one man and one woman with the most votes will be out.

Everyone talks to their picture choices out loud. I laughed out loud.

At the rose ceremony, Melissa Rycroft has been strictly forbidden to talk. She will only hand out boutonnieres and long stems in her sparkly silver mini dress that was undoubtedly made for a junior high eighth-grade dance. Harrison’s infamous baritone doesn’t waste any time calling out the names of those who received roses along with Girl Jessie and Craig:

Gia
Boy Jesse
Peyton
Kip
Tenley
Nikki
Ashley
David
Natalie
Wes
Gwen
Elizabeth
Weatherman
Krisily
Kovacs

Juan and Michelle are sent home in separate but equal limos. And I have to hand it to the Weatherman for having one of the best lines of the night: “There weren’t enough roses for Michelle’s personalities. And roses don’t really stick to straight jackets.”

Okay! I’m off to take my fifth shower in 24-hours. I just can’t seem to wash the show off of me. You guys discuss in the comment section. Is Craig a good guy? Is Crazy Dave still crazy? Will everyone figure Elizabeth? Do you think that later in the season, the “twist” will be that you have to choose boys and girls to go on intimate dates? And I don’t mean that in a Weatherman way…I mean that in a strategic way.

Discuss!

I’m all about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee

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