I’M STILL ON TEAM JESSE
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How great was last night? Can I get an amen?!?! So much drama and heartache and emotion and tears. Last night is why we watch this show ladies and gentlemen. Take out the 19 million commercials and waste of six minutes recapping at the beginning and you have a pretty good episode! So good that my friends Jill and Susan, who were watching with me, decided to play a good old fashioned game of leap frog in the front yard in celebratory bliss!
However, with the appropriate kick to the curb of Graham, I’m not sure it’s going to be the most entertaining thing to watch in the upcoming weeks. I’m forced to look for the remaining silver linings.
1. Jesse’s totally rad one liners are the bomb.
2. Jeremy’s chest is nice to look at.
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The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Spring Oreos or have a Jazzercise instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelors on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Clearly after editing this episode, ABC had about 14 minutes of dead time they needed to fill in order to run for the two hour time slot they had been allotted. When in doubt…play extended commercials promoting WIPEOUT (which I immediately set my DVR to record). When all else fails, RECAP!
Hey…just a quick FYI…did everyone know that DDAHnna was left at the Home Depot Proposal Podium last year? She totally knows what the boys are going through and understands the importance of meeting someone’s family. She is shocked that there are such strong feelings for each one and is puzzled about how she cares for all of them in different ways.
Here’s a brief wrap-up of what DDAHnna shared with America…
DD’s thoughts on Jeremy
“I gave the first impression rose to Jeremy. But then he held back. It wasn’t until Dodger Stadium that I found out he had lost his parents. That is a bond we share. He’s hot. I’m hot. That’s another bond. Oh…and we’ve both lost our parents. I love his abs. He loves my boobs. Those are both on the torso part of your body, so that’s almost the same. What’s the count up to? About 20 things in common? He’s competitive. That ticks me off and make me more competitive, which is similar. He’s really good looking. I’m America’s sweetheart. There’s a bond. And we both know what it’s like to have lost a mother. See? The list goes on and on.”
DD’s thoughts on Jesse
“I wasn’t sure what to think about Jess when he came up to me in that ridiculous suit. But he touched my arm when he sang and that was special. After seeing him on an ATV, I became totally attracted to him. He’s the only guy that has not jumped my bones to kiss me, and I’m not sure why that is because I’m so cute, but I can only conclude that he’s scared that I’ll dump him. And I know what that feels like because, maybe you haven’t heard, but I was in that same predicament with evil Brad Womack. But Jesse is not that way at all. He’s more like that sweet kid brother of your friend that you realize grew up when you went away to college. But I’m not sure if he’s past the kegger phase. I need someone who is going to savor his bourbon and Coke. Is he ready for that commitment? I don’t know. But I would like to know what his tongue tastes like.”
DD’s thoughts on Jason“He is sincere and a wonderful guy. I’m totally fine with him having a son. Although I’m a little worried that the kid would trump me in the future and I’ve made it pretty clear that when I’m in your life…I’m number one. Is it a red flag? I’m not sure. Something I’ll have to figure out soon.”
DD’s thoughts on Graham“OH GOOD LORD HE IS HOT! Smoking to be exact. Intern. INTERN! Bring Mama an ice cube so I can rub it on my neck and put out this fire, honey. I have such passionate feelings about Graham. I’ve been to his website. HELLO! He makes me feel like a giddy school girl. There have been rocky parts to our relationship, but I’m okay with it. There’s an undeniable connection that I can WAIT to spark in the forgo card suites. Don’t put that part on TV.”
The montage ends with DDAHnna…hear her roar…driving her OWN car to the airport on her way to Colorado to meet precious Jesse.
We find our sweet Jesse in a bright blue Smurf-ish ski suit, snow boarding his guts out on the slopes of Breckenridge. He tells the camera that he teaches little kids to snow board on these very mountains and some of his girls have a crush on him.
Some adults do too. How much does a plane ticket to Colorado cost these days?
I’m just saying.
He boards right up to DDAHnna and tells her she looks amazing and he is syked (of course he is) for her to see him in his element. He helps with her helmet and encourages her to hang on to him as they make their way down the snowy mountain.
Jess: “Press on you toes. Come to me. Stand up tall. D…look at me. Don’t look down. I have beautiful eyes…you should look at them.”
Then he lets her go and she slams into the snow. Jill, Susan and I all laughed. I’m sure you did too.
Jess jumps in his snow board and dives to her rescue. Gentleman. Love it.
He tells the camera the D killed it on the slopes and he loves that she is a natural athlete. He tells her he is impressed with her skills and can’t believe she didn’t fall on her badonkehdonk. She answers back that she wanted to vomit the entire time.
Probably not the best line DD. Game on girl. THIS IS JESSE! He is not your little brother.
She asks about his family and what she should expect with meeting them. He says his Mom is laid back. His Dad will joke. And then he talks about how much he loves and respects his family.
DDAHnna gets on some random soap box about independence, and feeling safe and how she is always right. Somehow that leads to her remembering that when she was flung off the mechanical bull, Jess was the first one to see if she was okay. He says he knows that she will return the favor if ever she is at one of his X-Game events and is flung off his board. She agrees. Lincee is confused, but loves Jesse, so she goes with it.
And it’s at this next moment that I really, really start to dig Jesse’s chili.
DDAHnna jumps on Jesse’s back…piggy style…and he proceeds to snowboard down the mountain, weaving in and out of everyone in his path. D is screaming for her life and begging him not to run into trees.
It reminds me of the time when I was about nine years old and I scrambled onto my Daddy’s back so we could jump off the diving board together. Instead of jumping, my Dad chooses to do a front flip. Yeah. That was fun. Almost as fun as when he would push me under water to see how long I could hold my breath. Good times.
Jesse later admits to the camera that he is nervous to show D his house. He says it is little, but has lots of character. Which, in my opinion, is a PERFECT HOUSE. I think it should be full of memories. You should feel warm because you are surrounded by things you love and cherish. Who cares if it doesn’t match? Who cares if there is a TV the size of a bus on the wall? Who cares the main decorating inspiration comes from old vintage snow boards. IT’S REAL and IT’S FABULOUS!
Immediately, DD walks in to see a huge sign on the wall that reads, JSAK. She asks what it stands for. Jesse answers.
“It stands for Just Snowboarding Ambition Kids. It’s a non-profit that I helped organize for kids who can’t afford to go to competitions.”
Short. Simple. He’s never mentioned it before. I think that is a huge plus. And he quickly escorts her to one of his pride and joys…his kitchen. Check out the floor! He laid it himself. Check out the labels. Got that label machine from his Mom this past Christmas. What is this? SQUARE PLATES! Very chic.
Jesse’s parents show up. He and the Dad are identical. Dad is wearing a hat that has fake hair coming out of the back. They make small talk at the dinner table.
D: “I don’t typically date boys with long hair.”
Lincee: Why would you say that? You’ve said it about 34 times. That’s rude.
D: “Jesse did the most pushups in a challenge. I was very impressed. He surprised me.”
L: Again. Rude.
Jesse: “I was sore for three days.”
L: I HEART HIM!
Jesse leads his Pop back to his bedroom, where he hoists himself up on his dresser and asks Dad what he thinks about DDAHnna.
Dad: “When you look in her eyes, does she look away?”
Jess: “NO! She cuts right through me. My hands sweat. My heart beats.”
Dad gets sentimental: “Your Mama made my hands sweat.”
Lincee: Wipes a tear away.
Back in the kitchen, Mom and DDAHnna talk about Jesse.
Mom: “I just want someone who will lift him up and make him happy. We went twelve years without having a child. I gave up and then we had him. That’s why we named him Jesse. It means a gift from God. Just remember, whatever will be, will be. I’m delighted I got the pleasure to meet you.”
Wilma is precious.
Dad encourages Jesse to open up and put himself out there. He decides to take the plunge and he and DD ride in a handsome cab where he makes out with her for the first time.
“I don’t want to think. I just want to be in the moment. She has taken the key and unlocked my heart. I am now going to kick it up about 10 notches. Those other dudes won’t know what hit them.”
[slow clap…jesse, jesse, Jesse, Jesse, JESSE, JESSE!]
Jeremy picks DDAHnna up on the side of the road in his motorcycle. She thinks this is super cool and mentally adds it to her list of things they have in common. During their jaunt around Big D, I’m pretty sure Jeremy reaches back and grabs DDAHnna’s hand and places it in his crotch. Probably to keep them warm, I’m sure.
They arrive at Jeremy’s house. Jeremy’s annoyingly perfect house. Everything is made out of metal, granite and wood. It’s either khaki, white or grey. Much like Jeremy’s personality. They pass the pristine dining room table, and DDAHnna points out the ginormous papers hung all along the wall. These are his bar exam notes.
Alright. Dude. C’mon. We know you are a pretend lawyer. No one in my experience…and it is extensive…hung extra large Post-It notes all along their house to help them study for the bar. As soon as I type this sentence, I’m forced to note that there are probably hundreds of you who either did this or knew someone who did this and would reprimand me fiercely in the comments section. That’s fine. You all should join your own little club and create a Facebook group. My point being, if ABC is coming to your house…or even your fake house…to film and you have arranged for your maid to come and get rid of anything remotely human, besides your photo albums and journal, then probably the first thing that would have hit the trash was the ginormous bar exam notes. At least throw some Con Law books and legal pads around the dining room table to make it look like you at least studied there. He bugs.
They go outside to enjoy his perfect view. DDAHnna scratches his back up and down. That’s an intimate gesture. At least the dog, Chemo, is cool.
Jeremy decides, again, to talk about their bond and shows her old photos. Then he reads from the journal he kept as his Mom was dying. So sad. He tells her, as mascara streams down her face, that his Mom reminds him a lot of her. Then they talk about how they have this bond. Again. In case you missed it.
Oh. And did you know that D was left at the Home Depot Proposal Pedestal? For future reference in case you didn’t realize this bit of information.
It’s time to meet brothers Jason and Patrick. For some reason, D is laying on the Southern accent pretty thick as they have perfect dinner on the perfect table with the perfect dog lying perfectly below. D announces to the group that Jeremy is the first guy she would NOT have to decorate for when she comes in and takes over his boring hum drum life! Score!
Side note: Patrick and Jason call Jeremy, Germy. Pet peeve of mine. It’s annoying, but it’s true. Jer-A-my. Not Germy.
Meredith, the sister-in-law, is touched to hear that Jeremy opened up to DDAHnna. She is actually in awe. Jason and Patrick are concerned that Jeremy is going to get a broken heart. They give DDAHnna the second degree and say that they are NOT on her side. If she marries one, she marries the whole brood. Including Chemo. And no one, I mean NO ONE touches the bar exam notes. Got it?
DDAHnna admits she has sweaty palms (See? She and Jesse are soul mates) and tells them that family is the most important thing to her.
Jeremy later tells DDAHnna in front of the fake fire with no real wood, that he doesn’t just want her…he NEEDS her. In his pants.
Okay. He didn’t say that, but PLEASE! Can we get some sort of action or adventure in this home town visit? I’m dying here! Jill put it best when she said, “He’s just vanilla. We need some chocolate sprinkles.”
What we need is Jesse, but I’ve already recapped him so let’s move on.
Look! DD is wearing her cute yellow rain coat for the drippy Seattle weather! Too bad the producers didn’t make her read “Seattle for Dummies” before arriving, because that Georgia girl had no idea what the Space Needle was.
Bless her heart.
Jason is so freaking excited, he can’t contain himself. He’s jumping up and down and can’t wait to embrace her in a big hug. Dude is smitten. He takes her to the tip top of the Space Needle and points out ferry boats.
Raise your hand if your mind wandered to Dr. McDreamy? Put your hands down. Thinking of McDreamy, how many of you then went straight to McSteamy?
I thought so.
Hair whipping dramatically in the wind, DD admits to the camera that this date is all about finding out if there is “something” there with Jason.
At lunch, Jason warns DD that Ty is in his “pirate” phase (so cute) and DD proceeds to remind Jason that she wants three kids by the time she is 30.
She’s 26 years old. You do the math.
They leave the Needle and head to the park to meet Ty.
[Cue the swelling instrumental suite from Forrest Gump.]
Jason sees Ty from across a green meadow. He yells. Ty responds and begins to book it (as fast as a three-year-old can go) to meet his Daddy in the most precious embrace ever. Ty is happy that his Daddy is not “sad” any more.
Pass the freaking Kleenex. This kid is straight up out of a Baby Gap ad.
After introductions, DDAHnna crouches down and pulls her first lame move and gives the kid a blue golf ball as a present. Great airport gift there D. Nothing says “nice to meet you kid” like a Titleist.
He gives her a “bump” as a thank you. Again. ADORABLE.
DD and Jason crouch down (a lot of this going on) to have a duck party with Ty. Bread and ducks named Ted are everywhere. It’s fun. That’s how duck parties roll I hear. Jason decides to be cute and asks Ty, “Why was Daddy in California?”
Ty: “To meet a pretty girl.”
Jason: “Do you know which one?”
Ty pointing to D: “THAT ONE!”
The ABC intern runs over and gives Ty a chunk of his reduced fat blueberry coffee cake (because that’s all they had at Starbucks) for delivering the line exactly how they had practiced.
Lame line of the night—DDAHnna to Ty: “Do you like riding in the car?”
I’m wondering if she’s ever been around kids.
D meets the family and the Mom gives a toast to the mid-West. They served her Greek food. She talks about liking four guys at once. Probably not the best table talk, but whatever. Jason talks about the sparkle in D’s eyes. D gathers the family around and tells Ty that she has named a star after him. He’s confused and wants to hold the star. D says that it is a million billion miles away and he will never get to touch it. Ty cries. It’s Academy Award worthy. Then they play spontaneous leap frog in the back yard, including the 300 pound Dad. Will the grass stains come out in DD’s kicky yellow coat? We may never know.
Mom encourages Jason to open his heart and take down some of the amour he has put up. Then she tells him to be brave. Then all the family starts crying as Jason embraces Ty with a passionate hug and tells him he will be back for him tomorrow. Everyone is crying. Ty is in a death grip. Jason peels his son off and hands him to his Mom. D is ugly crying and tells the camera that he had to leave his heart on the line to be with her and she digs that.
Cut to them in a random room making out. Jason tells her she has soft lips.
I have to admit that the three of us were pretty sure Graham was going to be the one hitting the road this episode. He’s just emotionally unavailable and that does not translate well with DD.
However, during their date, Graham had become a whole new person and loved to share with DD.
When she arrived at his old high school gym, DD could not keep her hands from around his neck and waist. He had to ask her to please dismount so they could walk through the doors. Once inside, he presented her with a jersey. She asked if that was his last name. I thought that was odd, but was more interested in the potential of Grrrraham stripping his shirt to replace with his own jersey.
Cut to them playing basketball. No gratuitous skin shot. ABC is letting me down.
After a few games of HORSE, D and Graham sit on the bleachers, eating cantaloupe, bananas and drinking red Gatorade from their cooler.
Let’s stop right here for a minute. Clearly the ABC intern is not into sports. He is much more in his element with fluffy pillows, candles, feathers and anything to do with pools or beaches. I’m just saying.
They talk about his parents. He tickles her palms the entire time. His Mom is amazing. His Dad is quiet. They go to the house to meet the family and immediately I love Ike. Those glasses. That demeanor. Graham’s Daddy is a doll.
The boys drink whiskey and talk about how pretty DD is and how interesting that she talks so fast being from Georgia. The girls gather in Graham’s old room and talk about how he has a problem with commitment.
Oh dear Karen. I think you just stuck your foot in your mouth.
Mom: “There have not been a lot of serious girlfriends. Finding someone who lasts past four weeks is difficult for Graham.”
DD looks at her watch. Four week mark is today. She feels deflated and wants to talk to Graham about it outside. But where to go?
The woods of course. Intern! Get a bench over here facing this tree. I don’t care that it doesn’t make sense for a bench to face a tree…JUST DO IT!
Graham is annoyingly quiet.
D: “What’s on your mind?”
D: “Are you okay?”
D: “You are worrying me.”
D: “You handle things differently than I do. You run away.”
G: “No…I handle it internally.”
D: “Is this how you would be if it was just me and you?”
G: “This is how I am, so yeah.”
It’s called self sabotage people, and that was a classic example.
DD tells the camera that she is extremely disappointed. She will not beg him to fall in love with her.
DDAHnna is spent. This is an impossible choice. She is scared to make the wrong decision. How can she choose?
“Jesse has progressed normally, even though he is wearing a Miami Vice suit tonight. Jeremy is not even vanilla at the moment. More like that base you get before they put all the good stuff in at Marble Slab. Half of Jason’s heart belongs to his son. Graham is hot and I am truly outrageous in my Jem outfit. What’s a girl to do?”
You suck it up and rub some dirt in it, that’s what you do. DD is no frail flower. She is tough. She is in charge. She even skips the “you are all great but I have to get rid of one” monologue.
“I pick Jesse, Jeremy and Jason. SUCK ON IT GRAHAM!”
Graham laughs, high fives and makes his way up to DDAHnna. She’s steamed at this point and walks him out to the denied park bench.
G: “You did what you felt you needed to do. This is goodbye forever.”
D: “I made it perfectly clear. I’m not going to repeat Brad. If you didn’t know, he left me at the Home Depot Proposal Pedestal and I promised not to open up to someone who didn’t open up in return. I felt like you were leading me on.”
G: “If that’s what you say.”
D: “THIS IS NOT EASY FOR ME GRAHAM. YOU HAVE NO IDEA.”
G: “Obviously you don’t see in me what you need to continue on. Your decision is easy now.”
D: “I care deeply. I’m saying goodbye to the one person I’m falling in love with. That’s how hard this is for me. I was falling and you weren’t doing the same.
I can’t take the chance that you wouldn’t choose me in return. Now I’m stuck with those three in there.”
DD begins a sever case of ugly crying before she walks him to the car.
And then Graham stands up, reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a note. It’s for her…not the camera…not the show. He says it would mean a lot if she read it one day. He knew it would be hard to tell her stuff, so he wrote it out.
She leaves it on the denial bench and walks him to the limo. He gets in and looks really sad as he drives out of her life forever. Or until the contract is up in six months.
DD said it was hard to let Graham go because she was falling in love. Too bad she hasn’t said that about any of the other three. Now she’s second guessing her decision and is afraid to forgo card with the other boys.
According to next week’s previews, she may not get to forgo with Jesse. Because he wants to meet her Daddy first.
I wish that I was Jesse’s girl.
All about the fame, not the shame,