I cry at all weddings. Even nationally televised ones.

Sean and Catherine are finally hitched y’all!

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And in some honeymoon suite at the Four Seasons, there’s a discarded seven-piece champagne colored lingerie set that is strewn all over the floor.

It’s disturbing that I am not Catherine’s BE-FRI to her ST-END, yet I know the delicate details of what she wore on her special night. Me and however many other millions of people who flipped back and forth from the Lowe wedding, the Grammy’s and Downton Abbey that is…

In case you were mesmerized by teenager Lorde singing “Royals” in front of all of her musical peers, or exhaling that breath you didn’t know you were holding when Bates FINALLY found out about Anna, here’s a rundown of the many emotions I experienced during the two-hour special.

  • Denial: I must have experienced some brain lapse because I totally forgot that Sean and Catherine rode off on an elephant after getting engaged in Thailand.
  • Confused: Why was Our Host Chris Harrison treating this wedding like he was on a red carpet? “There’s Molly and Jason!  Don’t they look lovely! And there’s Aunt Edna. At least that’s why my cheat sheet says.  I’ve never met her before.”
  • Blubbery: When Sean and Catherine asked his Dad to officiate their ceremony, and he began to cry, I pretty must lost it.  The first time.
  • Dumbfounded: Am I supposed to know what groan sexy means? Is this what the kids are calling it these days? And is that appropriate for a wedding? WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?
  • Clued in: OH!  Grown sexy.  I see.  I see that I still don’t get it.
  • Relieved: Thankfully, Sean sits her down on a dirt road and asks about grown sexy and how this could possibly translate into flowers, candles and cake. Catherine explains that she has always been viewed as a funny, jovial, happy person and this wedding is her coming out party to be sexy and a woman.
  • Helpful: Maybe the word she’s looking for is elegant, sophisticated and mature. Those are the older, wiser sisters of “grown sexy” I believe.
  • Creepy: Why, oh why did ABC insist on installing a honeymoon camera and then send some random person in to fluff the down comforter and pillows?
  • Awkward: Seeing Sean pick out lingerie for Catherine made me hide behind my couch cushion. Flipping back and forth from Lady Mary to La Perla helped me not break out into hives. Hearing Catherine describe said lingerie as “icing for her body” while she’s sitting in a satin robe waiting for her photographer to arrive so he/she can take naughty pictures for Sean made me bust out the fast forward on the remote.  I just couldn’t.
  • Mathematical: There were approximately 32 bridesmaids. I wondered where they would all stand, but instead of flanking the stage, they sat down.  Behind the row of former Bachelor success stories of course. And the token runner-ups from Sean’s inaugural season.  There’s One F skating off into the distance.  And Ari is looking for a secluded brick wall.  Nice.
  • Happy: Sean’s handful of groomsmen surrounded him and prayed over him before the ceremony. LET THE TEARS FLOW!
  • Exasperated: Sean and Catherine had to schedule in two commercial breaks for their live wedding. Good thing they had the 2Cello guys playing for them. Speaking of…
  • Perplexed: Even though it sounded pretty cool, I found myself questioning Catherine’s decision to walk down the aisle to “Human Nature” by Michael Jackson.  It must be a grown sexy thing.
  • Weepy: First Mrs. Lowe is crying, then the Dad cries during the vows and then Sean cries the entire way back down the aisle after announcing them husband and wife.  I CAN’T TAKE IT!
  • Secure: After seeing the Monique Lhuillier dress, the Neil Lane diamond band, a collection of every flower on the West Coast and fancy hair courtesy of that tan guy who wears a cowboy hat, I’m pretty sure we will all be invited to the nuptials of Des and Chris this time next year.  And let the record show: there will be poetry.

Did you enjoy the wedding? Are you annoyed that we didn’t get to see the reception? Based on all the tears, do you think this will last?

 

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