I got nothin’…
I was at a fabulous theme party this weekend. A friend offered to cut his curly locks on his birthday and a few of us ran with it. “Hair Party 2009” was a blast in my book and will definitely go down in history as unforgettable.
So there I was, standing in front of the stage in the backyard, listening to the live vocal stylings of a friend singing “Longhaired Redneck.” I’m swaying my fake pony tail to the beat, secretly wishing my hair was not quite so Crystal Gayle long, but just as luscious as my clip-on extensions when I’m approached by my friend Killer. He asks me if my previous recap is the longest I’ve ever written.
Now I can’t answer that off the top of my head and have zero motivation for doing a word count on all the recaps of the previous nine seasons of the Bachelor. But I can say that it’s cool when I found out that a guy like Killer is reading my stuff. Thanks dude! Would love to hear more from the boys in the comment section. I know you are out there!
With that said, I’m going to go ahead and predict that THIS recap is the shortest one in IHGB history. I have NOTHING with which to work. I’m grasping here. There’s only the hope of next week’s wack-a-do Moms, the burying of dead doves and parental drama in Dallas to keep me on this crazy train.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Christmas candy or have a Jazzercise instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Right off the bat, I’m bored. We have a 10 minute opener that I should have fast forwarded through, but I didn’t. Because I write a recap and am responsible for giving the sweet, precious readers of IHGB the scoop.
In case you didn’t know:
Tom Hanks is a single father trying to get back into the world of dating. He lives with his son in Seattle. One night Tom is on a talk radio show and discusses how all he needs is love. Meg Ryan is touched by Tom’s emotional speech and writes to him saying that she would love to meet him in New York at the top of the Empire State building on Valentines Day. They all three live happily ever after.
Or something like that.
Our Host Chris Harrison hustles upstairs to wake our slumbering Bachelorettes. I can imagine him turning on a bunch of lights and singing “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn” as he’s opening curtains and playing air guitar during the chorus. He literally drags the girls downstairs, strongly encouraging them to put on their fluffy polka-dot robes sponsored by Victoria’s Secret PINK campaign. Jillian chooses the shorty robe she brought from home because she’s from Canada, eh, and is not cold at all.
The girls all bundle under a down blanket sipping hot chocolate while Jillian turns the air conditioning down. Our Host explains that there will be one group date and two one-on-one dates. But there’s a catch.
OHCH: “Everything is about to change. Intern. Fetch me a fleece. Jillian is playing freeze out and I’m dying here. As I was saying…everything is about to change. I mean…it’s the same really, but a different address. Pack your bags girls. You are going to…SEATTLE!”
The girls freak out and squeal in high pitched voices that makes Lincee scramble for the remote, only to find it tangled in a pile of computer cords, cookie dough and half-eaten bag of cheese puffs from Central Market.
The dinner of champions my friends.
Meanwhile, Jason’s sister-in-law is desperately trying to distract Ty and keep him in the back of the yard so that the reunion with his father will be just as dramatic and tear-jerking as it was last year when they ran across a vacant park and met in the middle with an emotional embrace.
Not so much this time. The distance was off. Ty was distracted and I don’t think the ABC camera man was quite ready for the shot. I’m assuming the walkie talkie’s didn’t work. Check the batteries intern. Rule number one. Did you not learn anything from Ocean’s 11?
Ty and Jason hug it out for about five minutes. He hands Ty back to the sister-in-law, along with his luggage, and heads over to the fancy pants hotel to meet his harem. Jillian attacks him right out of the limo, Stephanie bows gracefully as if Jason is Prince Charming, Naomi claims she would move to Seattle in a heartbeat because she wants to make fedoras happen here, Molly smacks him on the butt and Stephanie sprinkles him with spirit…because that’s what she does. We need to learn to accept it.
Jason takes the girls up to their room. They “oooo” and “aahhh” over the digs. Naomi acts like she’s never seen a piano before and Melissa starts jumping up and down on the couch when Jason hands her the first one-on-one date card. He is specific in telling her that she needs to be ready at 7:30 on the dot.
Naomi starts crying in the bathroom and tells the camera that it’s “im-pour-ant” to get one-on-one time with Jason. And she hasn’t had any. She starts straight ironing her bangs into her face and the ABC psychotherapist is paged.
Jason begins to unpack in his fake house, asking Ty to dig out an outfit from the suitcase. Ty sits on the suitcase and pokes his lip out. Jason assumes that Ty is tired and takes him to his racecar bed that was purchased from Ikea for the fake house a mere two hours before Ty’s arrival. (That intern is impressive with a Phillips screwdriver and some super glue.) Jason plops Ty on the bed, convincing him that he is tired. Ty answers by getting out of bed and closing the door, asking Jason to please stay.
Unwilling to allow his three-year-old to keep him from seeing the entire stripper tattoo that was peeking out of Melissa’s pants earlier today, Jason thinks he can physically wear Ty out by making him unpack his suitcase and put his clothes in the empty closet. Ty is on the verge of tears and Jason gets a clue that it’s probably not smart to leave the kid on national TV. The better option would be to convince America that his son comes first. He must invite Melissa over to the fake house and make out with her there. It’s all about logistics really. And let’s face it. The Seattle Space Needle isn’t THAT impressive. Right? Driver! Deliver my cheerleader to me. GO FOR IT!
Meanwhile, Melissa has thought long and hard about what she should wear on her super cool date with Jason. What stands out? What could be the perfect addition to a plain black dress?
YES! I rhinestone snake coming up through her cleavage! OF COURSE!
Adjusting the reptile so it doesn’t appear to be biting her boob, Melissa is startled by the ringing of a phone. She answers:
Jason: “Hey Mel…it’s J.”
Mel: “Hey J! Since when are we calling you J?”
Jason: “Ty really doesn’t want to let me go tonight. I’m sending a car over that will bring you here so we can be chill and normal.”
Mel: “Can I put on my stretchy pants?”
Jason: “Sure. But only if you can get them dirty. I’m going to need you to do a little light cleaning when you get to the fake house. Maybe run the dishwasher and do a load of whites?”
Mel: “I’m on my way!”
The remaining girls are very upset that Mel’s date has turned into a potential meeting of the infamous Ty.
Mel arrives at J’s fake house still in the snake cleavage dress. She picked up toys and half-eaten pizza. The ABC camera man and boom mic guy were ticked because that was actually their dinner. She shows them her stripper tat as an apology and waits patiently for J to return from the fake upstairs. Mel pours some wine, hikes up her snake charm dress and contemplates if she should change into her stretchy pants because the fangs are digging into her surgery scars.
Just as the intern is about to tell Mel that the pseudo bathroom doesn’t have running water, Jason appears and comments on her beautiful dress. She changes into her stretchy pants that were in no way, shape or form anywhere in the vicinity of the pant category and bounds upstairs to peek in on the slumbering Ty.
They head back downstairs to sit Indian style on the couch and talk about how cute kids are and how Mel has so much to give. J asks Mel who he would meet on the hometown date. Mel talks about her Mom, Dad, brother and how she’s a black sheep of the family. She then talks about how she watches sports on a big screen TV outside of her apartment complex. This is enough for J to start making out with her. He thanks her for being as cool as a cucumber when he changed plans. She thanked him for being too cool for school. He said she was a shining star. She called him her lucky penny.
Stephanie, Jillian, Molly
Open Your Heart…Love Is On The Air
The group starts out on a boat that sails out towards the Seattle skyline. Stephanie, who is wearing a vest made out of alpaca, gets the first one-on-one time. Well, not really because the captain is there to help her steer the boat. This is a good thing, because she never kept her eyes off Jason. However, because she had to steer, her hands were always on the wheel and nowhere near Jason’s body. Coincidence? I think not. They talk about their kids and I think about how excited I am that American Idol has finally reached Hollywood week.
Continuing to draw inspiration straight out of Sleepless in Seattle, ABC arranges for Jason to talk about his love life on a radio show with Jackie and Bender.
DJ Jazzy Jackie: “What has been the best date you’ve been on?”
Jason: “It has to be the one where I had Stephanie’s daughter come down for her birthday. I was the man. America thought I ROCKED. I had everyone bawling. It’s exactly what I wanted to happen. I’m pretty sure I was the coolest person in the country that week, even with the inauguration of Barak Obama.”
DJ Bender: “Very cool. Who is the best kisser of the group?”
Bless Naomi and Melissa’s hearts. They thought the question was directed to the group who was at the radio station. No so, my inked friends.
Then Bender and Jackie get wacky and decide to blind fold Jason with the feather boa Stephanie was originally wearing on her date until the other girls told her to lose it because it clashed with the alpaca fur. Jason must guess who is kissing him live on the air.
Jillian is up first and kisses Jason old school style. Pretty normal. Appropriate tongue. It’s fun. It’s playful. No big whoop.
Stephanie doesn’t have to tell Jason to close his eyes, because hot pink feathers are already doing that for him. She proceeds to play her connect the imaginary dots game across his face and ends with a ladylike peck on the lips.
Molly displays why she was called out as best kisser. I’m just saying.
DJ Jazzy Jackie: “What is the hottest thing about Jason ladies?”
Stephanie: “His eyes.”
Jillian: “The way he makes me laugh.”
Molly: “The way he looks at me after a long make out session.”
Pervert Bender: “What happens when the lights go out?”
Lincee: “There’s darkness. I don’t get the question…”
Molly: “I’m a lingerie kind of girl. Edible if I can find it. I know the regular stuff just ends up on the floor.”
Lincee: “Seriously? We’re showing this on national TV?”
Jillian: “I like sex to be fun and playful. Food. Erotic dice. That’s me.”
Lincee: “I can’t believe I just typed erotic in my recap.”
Stephanie: “I make sure my man is taken care of. I like kissing every square inch of his body and…”
Edited for content. This is a family website and we’d like to keep it that way.
The group heads to the hotel. Everyone needs a cigarette after that conversation and a good old fashioned game of “guess the random food on my plate.” For some reason, Molly and Jillian are holding hands when they enter the restaurant.
Jason gets jealous of Molly and pulls Jillian away for some alone time. He tells her that something in her eyes has changed since the beginning. It’s more than likely the beet that she just consumed, but Jillian says it’s because she now feels a connection and never thought this would happen to her. She tells him that she’s not looking for perfection, but for someone she can build her life with. This turns Jason on and he makes out with her.
Jason decides to take Molly on a tour of Seattle. I’m wondering what Jillian and Steph did while they were backpacking across the state, but whatever. The bottom line is that they made out and Molly tells the camera that the GAME is ON! The other girls can just go home because she wants to kiss him for the rest of her life.
Naomi and a Camping Store
Jason is worried that Naomi is not really ready to be in a serious relationship. However, she’s gorgeous, so he’s confused. He decided to take her up in a water plane…which Naomi, the airline stewardess, mistakes for a helicopter. She pretends to be interested in the scenery, but as mentioned before, this ain’t her first aerial rodeo. She’d rather suck face with Jason. And we all know he doesn’t have a problem with that!
Next stop? A great big…
Great. Now I’ve written erotic and penis in my recap. This is a first.
Look…I’m just being honest. I thought it was like the boob museum. At first it looked like a big lighted penis and they were in a sex shop so DJ Jazzy Jackie and Pervy Bender could ask Naomi how she likes it in the sack. I’m just saying. I quickly concluded that it was a rock climbing wall. I’ve been to REI before. Stop judging. Is anyone out there on my side? Or is my head in the gutter?
Naomi scales the wall like a spider monkey and Jason gets turned on. He finally catches up with her so they can share an extreme kiss. Because this is an extreme date. And I’m extremely bored.
They chill high above the camera crew (except for the dude who is hanging by a scaling rope) at the opening of a fake cave. Jason fixes her hair and asks if she loves Seattle as much as he does. She says that the trees are pretty.
You are too Naomi. You’re so pretty.
Over in the outdoor camping section of the store, the ABC intern has pilfered all of the patio furniture cushions and made a nice little bed for Jason and Naomi. In true Seattle form, Jason is not wearing a Seahawks jersey, but the other staple item of clothing that is handed out to all Washingtons when they graduate from high school. I can see how you would think Kurt Cobain t-shirt, but I was going for flannel button-up. The “Smells Like Teen Spirit” CD was reserved for those students who graduated with honors. I’m sure if you look in Jason’s CD collection at his real house, you will find the album under “G” for grunge.
Naomi rambles on about 14 times that this is the best date she’s ever been on. Jason looks uncomfortable with her comfortableness and wonders why they aren’t making out. He asks about her family and she coils up behind her bangs. Ah! There’s the Naomi he loves!
She talks about how her Mom abandoned her, how she likes to cook and how she wants to adopt. She’s doing a lot of the talking and pursuing and gets nervous that Jason is just not that into her. She decides her best offense is her tongue. So she sticks it down his throat.
It’s at this point that I really start to miss Stalker Shannon and all her shenanigans. ABC producers predicted we would be feeling the pain of complete boredom at this point. So they go for the good old standby.
EVERYONE IN THE HOT TUB!
But wait! The Seattle Georgian doesn’t have a hot tub on the premises.
Hey Seattle Georgian…I’m going to go out on a limb and say the scouts for ABC’s phenomenon The Bachelor/The Bachelorette will not be staying with you in the near future or ever. I’m also going to assume that someone was fired as a result of this major oversight. And I’m going to finally say that Our Host Chris Harrison was TOTALLY KIDDING when he suggested the ABC intern run down to the dollar store and buy some Calgon so two of the four girls can sit Indian style (because that’s how we roll this season) in a bath full of bubbles drinking beer talking about their fears.
Molly is afraid she is too young.
Stephanie is afraid that she is too established.
Jillian is afraid that she’ll have an allergic reaction from the bubble beard.
The next morning, the girls are all sitting around being bored. Much like the viewing audience. But then Jason show’s up! WHAT? That’s crazy!
He asks Jillian to join him in a little quaint coffee shop. They discuss her feelings over scones and cappuccino. He’s concerned that she is going to hurt his heart. Lincee says that is a BIG SIGN that he likes her a lot. ABC tries to edit it so we don’t figure out that she is in the final two by making Jillian say she is in this for the adventure. Jillian says that she is strong for the other girls because they are all BFFs now. Jason says to be herself. Lincee says that this is so random and why do we care? Our Host Chris Harrison says to stick with it because the good stuff is about to come up. Lincee says it is a lie because we all know it was a 10 minute recap of stuff we just watched. Our Host Chris Harrison agrees and they compare notes on what they will write about on their blogs the next day.
Harrison arrives via speed boat and skis up to Jason’s front porch. He calls him Jase. I thought that was cute. Like the Indian style sitting and making out every opportunity that arises, shortening everyone’s name down to one syllable is a new theme we have developed this season.
Jason is pensive on his water front porch, thinking about the girls as Our Host walks us down memory lane. Everyone has a glow. Sort of like in a flashback on a soap opera where the lighting is weird and soft and their voices sound like they are speaking in tin cans.
OHCH: “What do you think about Melissa? Did you get a good look at the tat?”
Jase/J: “I keep waiting for something. Is she too good to be true? Can someone be that perfect for me? Her tat is amazing by the way.”
OHCH: “And Stephanie. Did you confirm it was alpaca she was wearing that night? Because I thought it looked more like a fluffy poodle.”
Jase/J: “Steph is the most fantastic person I’ve ever met.”
OHCH: “Isn’t that code for I’d just like to be friends?”
Jase/J: “Shut it Hare.”
OHCH: “What about Molly? Does it bother you that I heard her singing all the lyrics of High School Musical 3: Senior Year?”
Jase/J: “The attraction is there and connection with family is there.”
OHCH: “How do you know? You haven’t met them?”
Jase/J: “Seriously Hare. Cut it out.”
OHCH: “Jillian is cool. I like her spunk. I bet she could kill a moose if she had to.”
Jase/J: “Exactly. Is she only about adventure?”
OHCH: “You finally got a one-on-one with Naomi. Did you notice she crotch-shotted America when she was extreme climbing with you? Inappropriate.”
Jace/J: “Can I get that on tape?”
OHCH: “I have it right here on my iPhone. Check it out dude.”
The ABC camera man gets Jason to look out over the water and think about his decision. He’s so distraught. He literally didn’t sleep a wink last night.
ABC…enough with the Sleepless in Seattle-isms. Seriously. It has now become annoying.
In true Jason form, the Bachelor rebel grabs Naomi and takes her outside to talk about her future. Does she see herself ready for his life? She switches on Stepford mode and answers, “YES” very robotically.
Jason: “Can you come here and be with me and Ty 24/7?”
Naomi: “I am ready. I want this life. I want you. I want Ty.”
Lincee: “I want a bobby pin so I can get your hair out of your eyes.”
Jason gives roses to:
Steph is out. And everyone is holding hands and crying. Michael W. Smith’s “Friends Are Friends Forever” begins to swell in the background. Jase gives an eloquent speech about Steph’s character, beauty and fashion sense as he holds on to Hare for support. Steph graciously enters the rejection limo and Naomi wipes her tears away with a petal from her rose.
Jase tells the camera that he wishes Steph could be around so he could talk through this crazy process. He knows that they will be BFF’s forever. Steph knows that she will find true love one day. There are some pretty aerial views of the limo. Good thing they had that water plane/helicopter still under budget so they could get these amazing shots!
Next week, Jillian opens up about the past and her Mom’s depression, Molly gets busy on a golf course, Naomi helps Jason bury a dove in the backyard and something goes “terribly wrong” in Dallas.
I’m all about the shame, not the fame,