Bachelorette Jillian…off on the right foot. (Somewhere Tanner is blushing.)
I’m going to go ahead and say it again. I like Jillian. I liked her the moment she slathered mustard on her hot dog last year. And I hate mustard. I think she is cool and fun and deserves every happiness the ABC intern can create for her on a roof top or beach with just a few hundred candles.
With that said, she’s going to have to slay a few chaches before she reaches the handful who have potential.
I’m just saying…
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Easter candy or have a Jazzercise instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelors on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
I thought about regurgitating this paragraph from Jason and DDAHnna’s season, but I thought that would be unfair to Jillian. We all know this drill. Typically, the person in this role has been foolishly left at the Home Depot proposal pedestal. America retaliates and sends in roses, nasty letters and prank calls Our Host Chris Harrison until ABC is forced to give the runner-up a second chance at love.
Only this time, Jillian was third runner-up. She was left at the vineyard just feet away from the wine-vat-turned-hot-tub where she stuck her tongue down Melba’s throat on national TV as we all checked our remote controls to see if we had accidentally switched the channel to Cinemax.
Jillian admits that she felt defeated and went home to Vancouver to water flowers in her hoodie sweatshirt, tiny volleyball shorts and rubber boots. ABC convinced her she was ready to return to the dating world again by enticing her with a wall of Jimmy Choos and a kickin’ red beret she can fling in the air.
Now that she’s agreed to be the Bachelorette, it’s time shoot the video packages that will air as commercials during Dancing with the Stars.
Scene One: Jillian is cute with a huge heart. She’s casual in her faded light denim jeans from the 80s with matching gold jewelry.
Scene Two: Jillian is compassionate. She packs her Beanie Baby and black straw hat in her suitcase then kisses her parents, sister and Canada goodbye.
Scene Three: Jillian likes to stay in shape. Whether she’s jumping rope, doing calisthenics in the back yard or cartwheels on the beach, she is ready to meet whatever challenges come her way.
Scene Four: Jillian likes things clean and shiny. Who doesn’t wash their borrowed purple convertible in yellow high heels? And no…this isn’t Lifetime After Dark. That’s Jillian just being your average girl-next-door-dragon-slayer pouring baby oil all over herself.
You see reader, one has to be tan and tone to pull off a skin-tight white dress. It’s sort of sad that her long train was covered in three inches of asphalt wetness. Fortunately, she was able to distract everyone from noticing her soiled hemline by playing a fun game of “Can You Spot My Panty Line?”
Get it? I don’t think she was wearing any panties. They appear to be invisible. A subliminal shout-out to Mr. Invisible perhaps? Oh Jill…
Look! There’s Our Host Chris Harrison! Oh we’ve missed you Hare. You’re my boy!
Let’s meet the 57 dragons and the one Prince who gets the chance to give Jillian her fairy tale ending:
Why you remember him: Adam is the one who wore a teal shirt with a white tie and black blazer. He commanded her to come find him when she went inside because he wanted the first five minutes of her time. Since she is not a submissive 1950’s wife, and since his name went in one ear and out the other, she played a memory game to remind herself to stay away from this dude: “He’s wearing a teal shirt. Teal–the color of gangrene. Must stay away.”
Status: NO ROSE
Why you remember him: Brad brushed the dandruff off his shoulders upon exiting the limo. If that wasn’t enough to win the heart of the fair princess, he saunters up to Jillian and shows her his “best side” which turns out to be his butt. Alas, Jillian is a self-proclaimed fan of cheese, and this guy gets through to round two.
Why you remember him: Brian is the annoying one. He is the first of the 83 guys to tell Jillian he is going to whip her up a cocktail inside and then tells her she is bringin’ the heat in that white dress. Later, when Jill enters the room, he yells in his best redneck voice, “Hot tub Harris!” He tells her that he lives in a doublewide trailer in Alabama. Personally, I think he’s playing a role. It’s kind of like the time I worked at Disney World and people from around the globe would make fun of my accent as I took them on an exotic journey through the rivers of South America on the Jungle Cruise. I wasn’t doing anything to my voice. I’m just a Texan. But then, there was this other chick from Texas who started two weeks before I left my internship. She laid her accent on thick. On purpose. Now I agree that there are times when you can sliiiiiiide into it for effect, but she was hamming it up for the crowd. She doesn’t talk like that! And I believe Brian is doing the same thing. He’s the hick. The annoying hick. This may become problematic for him in the future.
High School Coach
Why you remember him: Oh Bryan. I know you are my friend Lawrence’s friend and he threatened me on Facebook last night not to say anything bad about you. And I won’t. But there’s something that bugs me. No…it’s not your bright pink shirt. Real men wear pink. Everyone knows that. It’s the fact that you picked Jillian up to “sweep her off her feet” when you first met. I guess that is cute, but it’s a bit awkward when a girl is in a binding, uncomfortable formal to be picked up by a boy. There is internal gear in that dress (obviously not panties) that shift and pull down. Then there’s the inevitable scare of a boob escaping. I know you were trying to be cute and memorable. But it would have been better if she was in her 80s light denim jeans or gardening hoodie. Let me know if you want me to pimp you out on my website after I find a gal for cousin Elliott, webMAN and guest blogger Kyle. I’m happy to find your true love too.
Status: NO ROSE
Why you remember him: You don’t.
Status: NO ROSE
Why you remember him: I have no clue who this guy is. All I have in my notes are the words jeans and awkward. Sorry Caleb.
Status: NO ROSE
Why you remember him: Uhm…ere…ah…[crickets chirping]
That’s right! My boy Dave was the one who totally almost threw up on Jillian after he literally became speechless upon meeting her. He was my first big BLESS HIS HEART of the night. I felt so sorry for the guy until later when he redeemed himself during one-on-one time with Jillian. He told her that is was unusual for him to trip up like that and she thought it was ploy to stand out among the 93 other Bachelors. He then turned on the charm and said, “If you screw up the first impression, it takes 17 more times to erase it.” Jillian becomes smitten with his honesty and decides to give him the first impression rose, because he went out of his way to give a good second impression. I thought he was adorable. Then four guys called him a douche and the camera showed him yelling at “Slick” (aka Mike) and calling someone else a tool bag. Red flag people. Red flag.
Status: FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE
Why you remember him: I love Ed. And I love guys named Ed. I have in my notes that he reminds me of an older Greg Brady. Ed tells Jill that he knows all about her because his Mom watched the show. “Based on what my Mom says, I think we’d be great.” Awwwwwwww!
Why you remember him: Greg told us from the very beginning that he was a perfect 10. Then it showed him during his Pier One Bureau photo shoot as the ABC intern rubbed baby oil all over his bare chest. He also told us to call him Bilbo Baggins. I’m not sure why, but to each his own.
Status: NO ROSE
Why you remember him: Jake is the airline pilot. Flying is his art. (His words…not mine.) He’s a hopeful romantic who would die to make the dream of his best friend come true. And that best friend is Jillian. He doesn’t recreationally date, nor does he recreationally give out aviation wings to just anyone. Jillian is special. She’s an angel. Which brings up the age old question that Jamie Walters asked us circa 1992: “How do you talk to an angel?” I’m pretty sure he would have cried if it weren’t for Bilbo Baggins swooping in to steal the Princess away.
Carmel Valley, CA
Why you remember him: Jesse makes wine and calls it love juice. And according to his t-shirt, he’s an aspiring Canadian.
Why you remember him: John H. is a close talker. And he is so…excited…to…be…meeting…Jillian. He wants to leave a lasting impression. Not just a first one. Unfortunately, his lasting impression lasted about three hours.
Status: NO ROSE
Why you remember him: John P. had on a brown shirt with a silver tie. He thinks that polished hicks are incredibly attractive. He’s going to go back home to look for one in Indiana.
Status: NO ROSE
Why you remember him: Josh is the chach that kept putting the first impression rose on his lapel and laughing at his funny joke.
Status: NO ROSE
Why you remember him: Juan really wants you to know that he is from Argentina even though he doesn’t have an accent because technically he is from California. He also wants you to know that his Mom is a renowned architect and he is a contractor and there just happens to be an opening in the interior designer position at their family business. He works hard. He plays hard. And he has his eye on the prize.
Why you remember him: Julien jumps out of planes and drives a fancy car. Jills + Jules = Love 4 Eva
Why you remember him: Kiptynite is one of my favorites. Even though he wiped his sweaty palms on his pants before shaking Jillian’s hand, I think his abs are awesome. Wait, what? He’s excited to find the person he is going to spend the rest of his life with. And he eats ketchup on his hot dog. I forget what that means, but did you see his abs?
Why you remember him: Kyle likes to by funky clothes in thrift stores because he’s a funky guy! He looks good. He smells good. He makes love good.
Annnnnd we’re done. Why would you say that Kyle? Is it because you found a jacket in the dumpster behind the theater where Grease used to play and you are trying to channel your inner Kinicki? And no girl, while she is wearing a WHITE prom/Vegas wedding dress wants you to draw a fake moustache on her pointer finger with a permanent marker. Again…if she was wearing her workout gear or Pilates pants on the beach…maybe. But now is not the time. Draw on your own finger dude.
Status: NO ROSE
Why you remember him: We first met Mark sporting Spandex riding a bike. In a crazy twist, Mark is a PIZZA place owner. He has a theory about what kind of pizza a girl likes. Or so he said. When Jillian spouted out her 27 favorite toppings, Mark looked ill and mumbled something about seeing him inside for the answer.
Why you remember him: I’ve received a handful of emails from people claiming to know Mathue. All say he was Matthew when they knew him. Must be a personal trainer thing. I called him Math-Hew all night (hard on the “H”) and sort of liked it. Therefore, he will stay Math-Hew to me. Especially if he wears that straw hat again. I’m a sucker for a cowboy hat and boots. Math-Hew asked Jillian who her favorite band was as she signed his hat beside Eli John. She answered Nitty Gritty Dirt Band.
Seriously Jillian? Did you stop listening to country music in 1989? If you are going classic, stick with George or Johnny or Willie. Don’t get me wrong. NGDB is great. But that’s your answer?
And yes. I do think that Math-Hew looks like Stiffler’s older brother.
Break Dance Instructor
Why you remember him: Michael is street, yo. He’s keepin’ it real teaching the kids hip hop and break dancing in Harlem. He even wears mesh Michael Jackson gloves to try and fit in. And boy does he need it. He’s one of the whitest people I’ve ever seen! He starts to show Jillian his moves…teaching her how to properly pop and lock when Bilbo Baggins comes in and challenges him to a dance off. Electric Boogaloo: Taking it to the Streets! (Please let the record show that I called this.) Bilbo busts out some back spins. Mikey Mike tells him he’s pretty good for an old guy. SNAP!
Baseball Camp Owner
Why you remember him: Mike was one of the new guys that came in last minute to throw the 48 other guys off their game. He tossed her a baseball and said that she WAS a good catch. A collective groan could be heard around the room, including the one I was sitting in.
Why you remember him: The only reason I remember this name is because I happen to be watching the show with my friends Claire and Reid. When Jillian asked Reid to accept the rose, my Reid said yes. And then I laughed.
Why you remember him: I know Robby is the bartender from Texas and I should remember him, but I’ve got nothing.
Oil and Gas Consultant
Why you remember him: Sasha’s Mom thinks he’s handsome. And smart. Smart and handsome. Sasha thinks that meeting Jillian is a little like prom. She giggles a little too much for my taste. Easy on the champagne girl. We’ve got 77 other Bachelors to meet. Pace yourself.
Why you remember him: Simon likes to do drawings. At least that’s what it said in his sub-titles.
New York City
Why you remember him: Think about the smarmiest lawyer you know. That’s Steve. Oh…and he is awesome. Just ask him.
Why you remember him: Tanner F. had the bright green day glow shirt on. You couldn’t miss him. He literally glowed in the dark. He’s a bit of a borderline stalker too. He already had Jillian 80-years-old in a rocking chair reminiscing about how they met on a crazy reality show called The Bachelorette. Then he asked for a sample of her hair. Enter ABC Psychotherapist.
Why you remember him: Tanner P. Who can forget Tanner P? He enjoys cooking, hunting, fishing, a little footsie and sparkly shirts. He can simply tell by a woman’s toes if she is marriage worthy. Is that weird? Of course not! You can imagine his panic as he tried to figure out a way to get Jillian’s shoes off. There’s no way he could offer a foot rub. What if she had crooked toes? Eagle claws? Toe jam? No…no…he must be clever. Wait! Let’s dip our feet in the pool! Tanner sneaks a peek at Jillian’s feet while she babbles something profound. He didn’t hear nor respond, because he was entranced by her red toenail polish. Unfortunately, Bilbo Baggins comes along and steals her away and promptly wipes Jill’s feet with a towel. Let’s just say that it is probably for the best the Bilbo did not get a rose. I’d be willing to bet that Tanner packed his Ouija board and a voodoo doll in his suitcase.
Why you remember him: Oh everyone knows Wes. Everyone in Chihuahua, Mexico that is. He has the number one song, “It Ain’t Easy Falling in Love in Six Weeks” that topped the charts for an entire month! He certainly is cute in his jeans. And I loved how he’s chill and kissed Jill’s hand when he met. She practically melted into the floor when he serenaded her with his guitar. But something doesn’t sit right with this guy. I’m going to red flag him for now. And I refuse to call him rooster.
I believe the Bachelor pool multiplied more than once when we weren’t looking. And I’m also pretty sure that Jillian handed out way more than 20 roses. Luckily, Claire had crafted a handy banner complete with dude’s name, occupation and age. We often checked the banner to remind ourselves who in the heck is John H. and does that mean there’s another John? What’s his story?
And I also noticed that Jillian looked a little disheveled by the end of the night. Intern handed her water at the end to keep her hydrated. Or he was trying to sober her up before decision making time at the Pier One Bureau.
Jillian thinks long and hard and decides on the following:
Jake: even though he had a really bad tie, I can see this happening
Jesse: a quick check of the handy chart reminds us that he’s the wine maker
Michael: He may be 12-years-old, but she likes him
Robert: Who is he? (chart check) Right! The Houston guy I keep forgetting.
Ed: Love Ed
Reid: “Yes I will.”
Simon: Bloody good time
Kiptynite: He’s the one to beat
Mike: Please fix your slicked hair
Brian D: Oh no! “Hot tub Harris!”
Sasha: Oil and gas boy
Julian: Restaurateur who never mentioned his restaurant
Tanner P: Foot fetish dude
Mark: Pizza boy
Brad: Told Jillian that he was sensitive and to please not wait so long next time
Tanner: Day Glow Tanner
Juan: I am Argentinean.
Besides the kayaking, motorcycles, Martina McBride cameo and the realization that three guys have girlfriends back home, I think the thing we all remember from last night’s highlights is the image of Jillian standing in the middle of a ghost town with a red and white gingham dress on…picking out Bachelors from a line-up on the set of Back to the Future 3.
Should be interesting.
All about the shame, not the fame,