I think his tractor’s sexy
I have to admit. I was rooting for our girl last night. She was standing there— twirling that fourth boutonniere in her fingers—licking her lips—pausing for dramatic suspense—and I was rooting for her. I was verbally WILLING her to say Jesse’s name. Heck…I said Jesse’s name. I chanted it over and over and over again, but my gut told me we would have another week of smarmy Wes Hayden and his Band of Merry Men. Surely Jillian won’t succumb to ABC’s “reality” ways and give him a stinking rose for ratings purposes because the producers told her to because apparently the President of ABC Company is named Joe Hayden or something.
I mean, Ed already pretended to come back and ask for a second chance. Didn’t we have enough “drama” in one episode already?
I would have preferred if Wes was kicked off and then made a “surprise” visit when Jillian was on a super romantic date with Kiptynite in Spain next week and Wes showed up as the token musical act in the outdoor amphitheater. He sings her his hit song that went number one in Chihuahua, Mexico and is surrounded by flamingo dancers. We later learn that the mysterious brunette who shakes her hips a little too seductively for prime time television is named Laurel.
Coincidence? I think not. Now that’s drama I can stand behind.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Easter candy or have a Jazzercise instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelors on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
We meet Jillian walking down a Canadian street in her super bright lemon yellow scarf and her favorite pair of casual sunburst earrings. She is excited about the home town dates and is nervous that the families may not like her.
Home Town Date One
Let me just start off by saying that I love this guy. He’s so normal. And I fear that that normalcy is going to be his downfall in the end. Clearly, Jilly’s freak flag radar is on the fritz, but I don’t think she sees Reid for the breath of fresh air that he is in her life.
The dude brought her a cup of coffee.
Why I think that is adorable is beyond me, but I did. Home girl squeals her head off when she sees him standing next to the Rocky Balboa statue and runs into his arms. The arms that are attached to the hands that each hold a steaming cup of hot coffee.
Head in the game Jilly. Head in the game.
Sweet Reid maneuvers an awkward hug and manages not to scald himself as Jillian pouts because he didn’t pick her up and execute the patented “You are so tiny!” twirl and release.
Reid shows her the architecture of the city and reminds us that he is in the family business of real estate. Jill reminds us that she is super insecure and asks Reid 12 times if he thinks his family will like her. During this entire conversation 30 second conversation, they give each other little peck kisses about four times. They appear to be very comfortable and already falling into a routine.
Reid introduces Jillian to his Mom Rhonda, Dad Larry and brothers. Rhonda reminds Reid that he’s turning 30 in just two days and that he isn’t getting any younger and could be please move this proposal along already!
Reid gives his best Chandler Bing face and shakes his head at his Mom.
Rhonda jumps on the realtor bandwagon and tries to convince Jillian that they need an interior designer in the family to help stage the houses. Then she drags Jillian away to talk about babies and to not be intimidated by Reid’s tendency to be cautious in the beginning of new relationships.
Later, Jillian talks to the brothers and asks why he is still single.
Brother 1: “I think it’s because he is wrapped up in his career. But he’s also been hurt in the past, so that might be it.”
Brother 2: “No, no. It’s because he has a problem with women. They just eventually go away. He has a problem with commitment.”
Hey brothers! That’s called throwing Reid under the bus. Stop that now.
The sisters-in-law show up with the grandmother who is affectionately known as Mom Mom. They are carrying a cake with candles and Reid leans forward to blow them out.
In an effort to congratulate him for his exhaling efforts, Jillian leans in to give him a birthday peck. Unfortunately, Reid was not expecting the birthday peck and looked as if he was going to either pass out or throw up as a result of said peck. Jillian, for some reasons, mistakes this for an invitation for round two and lays another one on him. He stares at her, baffled, and says out loud to the room that he is uncomfortable.
You and me both Reid.
As the shocked crowd looks at the pair, Rhonda makes matters more awkward by proclaiming this is the first time she’s seen her son kiss a girl in front of the family.
Reid gets up to breathe in and out of a paper bag while Jillian offers to cut the birthday cake.
Home Town Date Two
Precious, adorable Michael skips up to the front door of his parents’ house and surprises his family waiting for him inside.
It was as if someone won the lottery. Mama Lynn is jumping up and down in sheer jubilee. Daddy Frank is pounding his boy’s back and pulling him in for a bear hug. And identical twin Steve is giving him a wedgie with the biggest smile on his face.
Michael tells his family that Jillian is funny, unbelievable and smoking hot. Then the door bell rings.
Michael answers the door and pretends to faint as the family starts jumping up and down again. Jillian walks in and we see the light click on in her head when she realizes that Michael’s energy is genetic. He picks her up and twirls her around before introducing her to the group. Sadly, his sister Jenna is in Australia and can’t be with them tonight.
Raise your hand if you knew at that moment that Jenna would be showing up for dinner? Me too. You may put your hands down now.
Jillian reminds us that Michael is tons of fun and makes her laugh. She also reminds us that she has a problem with his age.
Bless Michael’s heart. What can he do to show her that he is mature and ready to settle down and have a family?
I’m guessing that the ole switcheroo is not in the cards my friend.
Michael is upstairs switching clothes with is brother and shaving his scruff.
Steve: “Dude. You have to drop the love bomb.”
Michael (posing as Steve) walks in the kitchen and asks to get some alone time with Jillian. Without missing a beat, she asks why he shaved his scruff and then instructs him to change back into his original clothes as she rolls her eyes and returns to chopping the carrots for dinner.
Just like she did when she used to babysit the Scherbatsky twins back in Alberta when she was 16-years-old.
The real Steve pulls Jillian aside and looks her in the eye:
Steve: “Straight up Jillian…is Michael’s age a factor?”
Jillian: “Yes. And stop starring at my boobs. Eyes up here mister.”
Steve: “Michael is ready to settle down. Since we were little, we wanted to marry young. We will be good husbands and fathers.”
Jillian: “We? Is this a two-for-one deal?”
Steve: “Mike wants a wife.”
Jillian: “That’s nice dear. Now go play.”
At the dinner table, Papa Frank tells us that it is a Stagliano family tradition to answer questions during the meal. Jillian is first up:
Papa Stag: “Name three things about yourself that you are most proud of.”
Jillian: “I can laugh at anything. [Eat your vegetables Steve.] I love to see good. [Get your elbows off the table Michael.] And I’m proud of my energy and work ethic.”
As suspected, the long-lost Australian sister busts through the door. Michael is so glad she took the time to come back home to meet Jillian because he could never date a girl who is not given the stamp of approval by his sister.
And then we never see her again.
Instead, we are treated to Mom and Daddy Stag swing dancing as Michael and Steve face-off in a break dancing match that would deem worthy of another Electric Boogaloo: Taking It To The Streets.
Michael escorts Jillian out the front door. She leans in for a little peck and rushes off to fantasize about Kiptynite’s abs.
Michael says that words will never be able to describe his affection for Jillian. Then he is hit in the back of the head by a water balloon from Steve who is now mooning us from the balcony.
Home Town Date Three
San Diego, CA
Jillian is surprised that she has developed feelings for all the other boys, because have you seen Kip’s abs? She runs down a path adjacent to the ocean and squeals in excitement. She tells him that she can’t believe he lives in such a pretty place and then wonders if his parents will like her.
As they drive up to the mansion, she is already intimidated, because clearly they are a little bit more refined than what she is used to. Eve and Earl appear to be society.
But wait! They are society who secretly watches the filthy show The Bachelor and have humorously asked the gardener to place yellow police caution tape around their Jacuzzi.
Oh Eve. Oh Earl. You slay me.
Jillian goes for broke and says, “That won’t stop me!” Luckily, the parents think this is mildly funny and decide she is worthy of the next test.
Eve leads Jillian to an outdoor bar that has four glasses of wine and two lasagnas. Jillian’s mission, should she choose to accept it, is to decide which dish is in fact Earl’s great-great-Sicilian grandmothers recipe and which wine is the perfect pairing.
She must choose wisely, or go home using the maid’s entrance out back.
Jillian has a nervous look on her face as she shoves noodles in her mouth. She drinks from all four glasses and makes the choice.
Eve is elated! She chose wisely! She and Earl begin to congratulate Jill. Unfortunately, it was in French, but who cares! Kip was there to translate! Jill chose correctly! She will not embarrass her at future Junior League wine tastings…that’s for sure. We will have to do something about those neck scarves. Perhaps something from Hermes next time?
Eve quickly takes the two glasses closest to her and marches over to dump the contents into the hydrangea bushes. The smell of wine housed in cardboard makes her eyes twitch.
At dinner, the “problem child” sister Davia begins her questioning.
Davia: “How do you stay grounded in all of this?”
Jillian: “Good question. I’m the only single one left of all my friends. The last wedding I attended was so awesome and I thought to myself, ‘I want that.’”
Davia: “She’s a keeper little brother. Why don’t you get her pregnant?”
Eve hastily grabs her crystal bell and summons the cook to bring dessert as she gives the evil eye to her first born. After dinner, Eve corners Jillian for some serious one-on-one time.
Eve: “Do you believe in unconditional love?”
Eve: “Huh. I don’t. Interesting. If you could change one thing about yourself to make Kip a happier man, what would you change?”
Jillian: “Don’t you mean change something about myself to make ME happier?”
Eve: “That’s not the question was it?”
Jillian: “I’m not sure how to answer this. I guess I would work for happiness.”
Eve: “Explain yourself.”
Jillian: “Well…I’ve had to work really hard for happiness in the past.”
Eve: “That makes you weak, doesn’t it?”
Jillian: “I’d love to go back to the food tests please. I’m better at those.”
Meanwhile, Renegade Davia is talking to Kip about marriage.
Davia: “Is she calling all the shots?”
Kip: “What do you mean?”
Davia: “You know good and well what I mean. Is she like Mom? Calling the shots? So help me Kip if you marry someone like Eve…”
Kip: “No. Jillian’s sweet. I like to kiss her and grab her butt.”
Davia: “Would you marry her?”
Kip: “Well that’s premature.”
Davia: “Meaning you need to wait for one of these overnight date things, right?”
Kip: “Have you seen my abs? I can’t just give them away without a test run first.”
Back in the living room on the couch, Eve has one remaining question.
Eve: “How do you deal with an overbearing mother-in-law?”
Jillian: “One thing you need to know about me is that I have to know what you are thinking. You need to be honest and direct, because I don’t play games. And I really, REALLY need people to like me. I’ll do whatever it takes to make you understand that.”
Eve: “You have passed the test. You may wear my mother’s tiara at your wedding.”
Jillian: “Thanks Eve.”
Eve: “Please do not call me Eve.”
Jillian and Kiptynite take some scissors out back and cut the caution tape around the hot tub and go for a dip as Eve creepily stares out the window. Once she is safe inside applying her night mask, Kip and Jillian make out sideways. This looked awkward to me.
I’m assuming after last season, ABC was fined a hefty sum and Jillian is no longer allowed to straddle the boys any more.
Home Town Date Four
Heavens! There is something about a man on a tractor that is just hot. I’ve always thought that. I am TOTALLY the girl who Kenny Chesney sings about in his song. (Except that basket full of chicken part. I have issues with meat on the bone.) I rewound and played that part about five times. Hot. Hot. Hot.
Jesse is looking fine as he stands in front of his family vineyard with the tractor behind him.
What a great sentence.
Jillian gets out of her Escalade and attacks Jesse in a loving embrace. She halfway turns her nose up has he leads her to the John Deere and gives her a tour of the winery.
It was then that decided I will probably never braid my bangs.
At a picnic location with postcard-worthy scenery in the background, Jesse wants to know if Jillian has any concerns.
Jillian: “Well…we had a slow start and my concern is if you are ready?”
Jesse stares at her.
Jillian: “That’s something you are going to have to tell me.”
Jesse stares at her.
Jillian: “Because you’re being weird right now with all the silence.”
Jesse tells her that it takes him a while to warm up to people and he feels that things have gone beautifully. Jillian looks skeptical.
They move inside to drink wine and meet the family. Jesse warns us that his brother is a cynic. He thinks that chicks are too high maintenance. Jillian is quick to remind him that she doesn’t need much and never shaves her legs on a regular basis.
This stops our mountain man long enough to take his little brother into the cellar for some one-on-one time.
Brother: “Do you love this chick?”
Brother: “Does she want babies?”
Jesse: “If I got married, I want to have kids within five years.”
Jesse: “What? She’s successful, independent and cute. She’s Honey Boo Bear.”
Brother: “Did you just say Honey Boo Bear?”
Brother: “I’m so jealous.”
Lincee: I’m so confused.
Apparently, Honey Boo Bear is Kovac family code for something and the brother has to interrogate Jillian in the wine cellar.
Brother: “What makes you think he’s the one?”
Jillian: “I think that he would like for me to take care of him. I would rub his shoulders after a long day. And I like wine too.”
Brother: “Have you guys been naked together?”
Jillian: “Uhm NO! That’s not allowed until forgo card dates.”
Brother: “Does Honey Boo Bear mean anything to you?”
Jillian: “Is he the one from the hundred acre woods?”
Brother: “Nevermind. Look. I’m going to be honest with you. Jesse is an emotional ice cube and is really hard to break. No one is able to crack his shell.”
Jillian: “What if I called him my Honey Boo Bear? Would that help?”
Back inside, the Kovacs are rocking out. I’m guessing they were in a family band before hitting it big in the wine business. Mom is closing her eyes remembering her days from Woodstock, as Dad and sons play guitar and drums. Jillian is doing her best to keep time with a tambourine and requests “They Say That Love Don’t Come Easy” as an encore.
Jesse tells us that Jillian is like a fine wine. He wants to drink her up, but he needs to have patience and let it mature before taking full advantage.
Home Town Date Five
Jillian: “This is the most important home town date because Wes is my number one. I’ve saved him for last. He GETS me. But there’s something that he’s holding back and I can’t quite put my finger on it. I need to figure out what that is.”
Jillian drives up in front of a bar on Sixth Street and Wes greets her:
Wes: “Hey baby. How the hell have you been, darlin’?”
Jillian: “I love that you have pet names for me.”
Bless Jillian’s heart. Wes probably calls his dog, dental hygienist and Chili’s waitress darlin’. I got a “Thanks hon” from the Time Warner Cable lady yesterday. It’s what we do.
Wes tells Jilly that he has a huge surprise for her and that she will be meeting not one, but two of his families. Then he reveals the Wes Hayden Band behind what appear to be barn doors. Jillian is elated!
Wes: “I have a brand new CD coming out and I want it to do well. This is the perfect venue for people to hear my music.”
Jillian is twirling around in her white skirt and red boots, one hand on her heart and the other holding a bottle of Lone Star as she sings into the neck.
How does she know the words you ask? Why…it’s none other than the number one reality TV show hit song of Summer 2009, “They Say That Love Don’t Come Easy.”
Jillian: “I was so pumped to hear my song again. It was an emotional moment. I mean, Wes was in the middle of stage with his band and it was as if he was singing only to me.”
Lincee: You were the only one there Jillian.
Wes: “You can not beat the feeling of being on a stage. No drug or woman can ever make you feel like that.”
Seriously. Who is Wes related to on this show?
I have to say that Jake “surprising” us was a bit of a let down for me. He mopes to the camera about how he was heartbroken and that his goal is to ultimately protect Jillian and tell her that Wes is a deceiver with an agenda. He makes an “impromptu” phone call to Tanner to discuss his plan:
Jake: “Tanner. I’m in Austin. Luckily, I was able to arrive on the same day as Jillian’s home town date with Wes and ironically, we are in the same hotel. I have to tell Jillian that Wes has a girlfriend.”
Tanner: “Is she with you now? Does she have shoes on?”
Jake: “Tanner. I need you to focus. Am I doing the right thing?”
Tanner: “Seriously dude. If you could take a pic with your iPhone or something and send my way? I would appreciate it.”
Meanwhile, Wes has propped Jillian up on a tree branch and is professing his fake love for her.
Wes: “My buddies are sh!tting bricks about this!”
Lincee: I bet they are. They do get a 20 percent cut of the proceeds, right?
Jillian: “I know! What happens if this takes off?”
Wes: “If? What do you mean if? We ARE taking off. You better get on board.”
Jillian: “I just didn’t know if you were feeling me or this or…”
Wes: “Look doll. I’m not a good liar. If I’m feeling something, I will tell you. And I think I have told you. Time and time again and you know what Sweet Cheeks? You’re not going to hear it from me any more.”
Jillian back pedals and tells Wes he’s the greatest thing since sliced bread and begs him to continue to give her words of affirmation.
Back at the hotel, the ABC camera man asks Jill to sit on the couch and get ready to look surprised, because he just go the call that the ABC intern was bringing Jake down from one floor above. She practices her “shocked” faces and then the door knocks.
Jillian: “Jake. What…a…surprise.”
Jake: “Jillian. Please know…I’m not here to get you back. You don’t have to feel sorry for me. I’m a good looking pilot. I’ll be okay.”
Jillian: “Why are you here? It’s Wes isn’t it. I KNEW IT!”
Jake: “I’m afraid it is my dear.”
Jake: “Oh Jillian. I love your sweet face. You are such a dainty little flower. I’d like to pick you and hold you next to my chest to protect and love and…”
Jillian: “JAKE! WHAT IS GOING ON?”
Jake: [painful stare]
Jillian: “Just say it. He’s here because of his career. I know that. I can handle it.”
Jake: [wiping away a tear]
Jillian: “He’s not here for me. He’s GAY. WHAT?”
Jake: [shaking his head]
Jillian: “For the love, just say it Jake!”
Jake: “Wes has a girlfriend. Her name is Laurel. He finally confided in me. We’ve talked about Laurel three times. I’m so sorry. I want you to be happy. I want you to pick the guy that is going to worship the ground you walk on because you don’t deserve anything less. Wes is not the guy.”
Jillian: “Are you confident?”
Jake: “One hundred percent? I wouldn’t be her if I wasn’t. He’s going to tell you she’s a good friend. He’s quick on his feet. I’m so sorry.”
Jillian: “Honestly, I don’t deserve all of this. I was sincere and honest and I’m a good person. Maybe I should just call it quits now.”
Jake: “My jet is waiting for us at the airport. I’ll take you wherever you want to go baby.”
Jillian decides that she needs to talk about this in person with Wes. She decides that she is going to sit down and grill him as hard as she can.
Wes: “Hey Mama. You ready to do this?”
Jillian: “Let’s drink first. Oh. And I need to ask you your intentions one more time.”
Wes: “I hate that you are asking me this. I don’t have to defend myself. www.weshayden.com has been a project of mine long before I knew you…”
Jillian: “Put the band aside Wes. I know you are the one with the girlfriend.”
Wes considers for a moment that the drummer was a traitor before Jillian confides that Jake is the informant.
Wes: “That’s crazy. We are broken up, but she’s still my best friend.”
Jillian: “Jake is someone that I trust. Why would he do this?”
Wes: “I have a lot of tolerance, but Jillian…”
Jillian: “If you were the last one standing, would want to date me?”
Wes: “I would be on Good Morning America, Ellen, The Tonight Show and possibly the Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Awards. I’m not stupid Jillian. You have to figure this out.”
Jillian: “Can I bring in Jake?”
Wes: “Be my guest, Sweetheart.”
The boys go back and forth for 10 minutes. Wes says Jake is crazy. Jake says Wes is a liar and demands several times that he look him in the eyes. Then there was something about thumping on the back of the head that I didn’t quite get, but it didn’t matter because I was bored.
Jillian said that she was going to follow her gut on this one. She decides to go meet Wes’ family and leaves Jake to cry it out on the balcony.
Jillian: “I am not a jealous person. I’m not that girl. I am here for the real deal.”
Wes: “I wish I had something else to tell you.”
Jillian: “Most of the other boys by now would tell me how pretty I am.”
Wes: “You have wonderful eyes and are sexy. Are you ready to go?”
Jillian and Wes arrive at the house to find cold pizza and limp salad. They apologize for being late and explain that another jilted Bachelor had come to say Wes had a girlfriend.
Wes’ Sister: “Guys are always going to be jealous of you Wesley. They want what you have going for you.”
Wes’ Other Sister: “Yeah. He’s a one woman guy. He would have totally bolted if this wasn’t working out for his career…I mean if you guys weren’t meant for each other.”
Wes’ Third Sister: “Wes is special to all of us. He’s an incredible person. He deserves happiness.”
After dinner, Wes hands each sister a $50 and their promised autographed headshots of Josh Turner and Billy Currington.
Back in LA
Jillian tells us that there have been lots of ups and downs and dramatic moments and she doesn’t think she can handle one more surprise.
Then the door knocks. She’s getting pretty good at her shocked face. Unfortunately, no one worked with Ed on his.
Ed realizes that he made a mistake and asks Jillian if he can get back in the game. He looks at her with his dreamy eyes and admits that he has reprioritized his business back home and wants another shot.
Jillian pretends to mull it over for about five seconds and then invites him to the rose ceremony. He makes out with her on the couch, trying to make up for lost time, and then heads down the hall to get dressed.
Our Host Chris Harrison takes Jillian for her pre-rose ceremony pep talk.
OHCH: “Jillian! Ed is back. We had to rewrite a few Bachelor bylaws, but the ABC lawyer found some nice loopholes and it looks like everything will be fine. How do you feel?”
Jillian: “I didn’t know if I should be angry or thankful. This day is bananas!”
OHCH: “What about Wes. Have the blinders come off yet? Or are you still only vaguely aware that this guy gives off some pretty major red flags?”
Jillian: “I’m going to make my own decisions and get burned if I have to.
OHCH: “We’ll have the intern standing by with a fire extinguisher.”
Our Host makes his way into the hotel ballroom and tells the guys how fabulous they look. He then reveals that the five will be joined by another guest tonight.
Ed descends the stairs and I’m pretty sure I heard the Hallelujah Chorus.
Wes looks like he wants to punch someone in the neck. Michael begins to laugh and bounce on the balls of his feet nervously and Reid gives us another Chandler Bing face and whispers something witty in Kip’s ear.
Roses go to:
Jesse confidently strides up to Jillian and hugs her. He walks away without looking back. Michael cries and admits that he straight up loved that girl. Somewhere, Steve’s heart is breaking as well.
Next week, Jillian takes the four remaining guys to Spain! Kip gets real. Reid falls fast. Ed tries to make up for lost time and Wes talks about his girlfriend…I mean ex-girlfriend…at dinner.
Will Ed prevail? Will Kip show his abs? Will Wes GO HOME? Will Reid win the whole thing?
Will Jesse call me so I can pimp him out on my website?
These are all valid questions that need to be discussed.
All about the shame, not the fame,