If a shark attacks you…

Tuesday night, 7:00 p.m. CST

I’ve just received an email from Our Host Chris Harrison confirming that ABC will INDEED air a Women Tell All episode next Tuesday after the final rose on Monday. Andy, the one he chooses, the one he doesn’t and all the crazies will be there with bells on. It’s going to be wonderfully amazing!

I’m not going to lie…I thought Bevin was done last night. But the ABC trickeration continues to get the best of me and I am proud to announce that I haven’t a clue which gal will become Mrs. Dr. Lieutenant Andy Baldwin!


The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies…that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Spring Oreos and Spaghetti O’s or have a spin instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Unfortunately, Andy was unable to ship “his” DeLorean or “his” yacht to Hawaii. After a quick surf, he jumps in his Jeep Wrangler and heads down to the Pearl Harbor Memorial.

Bevin arrives in a cute red tube top. Andy feels an electromagnetic current literally go through his body as he places an Aloha lei around her neck. He takes her to gaze over the USS Arizona below the Memorial and shows her the oil coming up to the surface…the black tears of Pearl Harbor. They begin a serious conversation about what it takes to be a Navy wife when suddenly, Andy feels a jolt.

At first he is confused in thinking that the electricity he literally feels for Bev has literally shocked him. But then he notices the ABC intern jumping up and down waving his arms and remembers he was given a beeper to remind him that TIME IS UP! He takes Bev by the arm. She gets the wrong idea and wraps her legs around his waist. He promises that he will see her soon. The ABC intern starts to hyperventilate because Bevin is about to ruin everything and his only job was to get her away from Andy after 22 minutes. He shoves her in the limo, runs back to Andy handing him a fresh flower lei, adjusts his hat, spit shines his shoes and performs a quick once over with a lint brush just as Danielle’s limo pulls up.


We learn that Dani’s grandmother was a nurse during Pearl Harbor. In a salute to Grandma, Dani is wearing a vintage blue and white dress from the 40s, complete with matching pearls and hair style. No earrings though, because people in the 40s didn’t have their ears pierced. They gaze over the USS Arizona and notice the black tears….again. Andy is in the middle of a monotone soliloquy about peace, hope, strength and leis when he feels another jolt. Remembering that it is only Bevin who provides literal voltage to his loins, he cuts the speech short, delivers Dani to the intern, returns to his post at the Pearl Harbor Memorial entrance, receives his third fresh flower lei and ponders what to say to Tess because the speech Chris Harrison wrote out for him is getting kind of old.

Tess arrives. Peace, strength, hope, black tears, yadda, yadda, yadda. He takes her to the edge of the Memorial and suggests that they toss their flowers over the edge in memory of those who lost their lives at Pearl Harbor. Very sweet.

Enter random, faceless redhead little girl.

Andy offers some of his lei petals. She throws them overboard with reckless abandon. We hear a voiceover of Andy saying this is like foreshadowing of his wife with their little girl one day.

I couldn’t help but feel a little sad for Andy. If I had a hat, I’d tip it to you just as you saluted the USS Arizona when you left for your first fantasy date in Hawaii.

Date One

Which of these words was NOT used in describing Tessa during the zip line date?
A. Wonderful
B. Amazing
C. Tomboy
D. Hot

What activity was used as a metaphor for relationships?
A. Shaky bridge
B. Hawaiian happy hour
C. Rock/Paper/Scissors
D. The Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman, screaming, “I THINK TESSA IS WONDERFUL” as he zips through the canopy

How did YOU react when the triathlete imitated, what can only be described as a flailing guppy gasping for air (thanks Jill), when Tess asks what HE would do if attacked by a shark?
A. Stare blankly at the TV screen in awe and wonder
B. Lowly murmur to yourself, “noooooooooooooo
C. Hide behind the sofa cushion in sheer embarrassment for the Lieutenant
D. Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Play.

If attacked by a shark, would you…
A. Take Andy’s advice and imitate a goldfish
B. Take Tess’ initial advice and punch the shark in the nose
C. Take Tess’ rocket science advice and swim the other way
D. Give the hang loose sign that Andy taught you and enjoy the ride

The MOST random thought that went through your head as Tess and Andy sat on the hammock at the beach
A. Why is he wearing a John Travolta outfit circa Saturday Night Fever?
B. Kudos to the ABC intern for making the sushi in the shape of a rose
C. Why the heck is he tapping all over her shoulders and chest?
D. Seriously? The chest tapping is still going on? Are they drunk?

True or False
The chachiest moment in the Forgo Suite is when Tess and Andy share a romantic rose petal/champagne bath in their bathing suits.

True or False
Andy didn’t have on a bathing suit in the tub.

Date Two

What animal was Danielle most excited about seeing on the boat
A. Dolphins
B. Whale
C. Andy
D. None of the above. Dani doesn’t get excited.

True or False
Dani held her boobs as she jumped in the ocean after Andy.

The soft core porn montage of Andy and Danielle grinding under water lasted
A. 3 minutes
B. 2 minutes
C. 1 minutes
D. 6 minutes if you watched it twice like I did

Underwater kissing scenes for TV
B. To be avoided at all costs. It’s just not pretty.

True or False
Andy jinxed Danielle’s future by arranging for a fortune teller to visit with them at dinner.

Date Three

What was your initial reaction of Bev and Andy’s date?
A. Nice shot of Bev’s crotch as she boards the kayak ABC cameraman.
B. Haven’t they already kayaked once together?
C. Why are they kayaking in four inches of water?
D. What dirty…dirty water.

What was your favorite part of the waterfall scene?
A. Candid shot of Bev’s stripper tat
B. Bev’s ill fitting bathing suit bottoms
C. Bev’s lack of ability to come up out of the water like a girl in order to ensure a smooth head of wet hair versus messed up boy hair
D. Secretly thinking that it would be wonderfully amazing if the good doctor got a penis fish!

What really went on behind the waterfall?
A. First base current
B. Second base electricity
C. Third base voltage
D. Electrocution

The following made me giggle at the luau
A. Andy’s straw in his coconut drink
B. Andy shaking his groove thing with the Hawaiian girls
C. Seeing under the fire twirler man’s skirt
D. Andy saying that he and Bevin had amazing chemistry that was hot

Before the rose ceremony, Andy confesses to the camera that he is confused. And when his big brain can’t handle any more stress, he and his muscles go jogging. His poor eight pack is worn out! But even this doesn’t help!

So he calls his friend Great Gatsby, fellow triathlete, to come help make heads or tails of this game we call The Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman.

Great Gatsby wants to know about the girls.

Tess is light-hearted, playful and smart.
Dani is solid and nurturing.
I have an electric chemistry current with Bevin, but she’s liberal.

The Great Gatsby, sensing a crisis, helps his friend, the only way he knows how.

“Who would you like to see at the end of the finish line at a triathlon?”

Yes. That is the true question.

He envisions Tessa with the random, faceless little redhead girl running to greet him at the finish line with open light-hearted arms and a sweet peck kiss.

He envisions Dani with a strong confident stride, embracing his waist with a look of peace and hope as she turns to wave to the cheering crowd.

He envisions Bev behind closed doors for a celebratory romp in the sack afterwards.

Rose Ceremony
To my surprise, Danielle is sent home. I admit. I was tricked! I bought the drama. CURSES TO THE EVIL EDITORS OF ABC!!!

Next week, we meet Andy’s Pennsylvania family. Both girls proclaim their love for our dear Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman.

If our conservative Andy picks liberal Bevin, I will be very surprised.

All about the shame, not the fame,



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