If it walks like a snake and talks like a snake . . .

Hey, everyone! Lincee is on vacation this week and needed someone to fill in for her so she asked me and her friend Jill to write this week’s recap. Jill (not to be confused with Jillian) told Lincee that she wouldn’t write but she would come watch the show with me and help me out. I think she also secretly told Lincee that if our recap was a big, boring flop she wanted it to be on my shoulders alone. Thanks, Jill.

So let me introduce myself . . . my name is Catherine. I’m 33, a Libra, and have an unnatural love of Swiss Cake Rolls. Nice to meet you.

Lincee told us that she usually does a top 10 for The Men Tell All episode so Jill and I sat down with our laptops and got ready to make notes of our favorite moments from the show. Surely there would be lots of excitement, right? In the end, it was a bit of a bore. I had to keep rewinding things for Jill because she kept getting more interested in a craft blog she was reading. Seriously – who reads craft blogs?? But I digress . . .

We had a hard time picking our top 10 things from the episode. Should we write about how presh Michael is and how he makes me want to learn to break dance for the first time in my life? Or should we write about how edgy ROBBY D!!! was in this episode? Or how awkward the Reid hula dancing scene was? Or how Jake really can’t pull off the F-bomb? So many things to choose from! So we decided that, instead of just 10 our Favorites, we’d give you a Baker’s Dozen. You’re welcome.

So here we go . . .

13. I love how Gary the camera guy gets random, awkward shots of women in the audience who look at each other “spontaneously” to react to something scandalous that was just said. You can almost hear Gary cueing them: “Give me disgusted. Nice. Now give me surprised. Good job, ladies. Now turn to each other and mumble. You ladies are naturals.”

12. There were LOTS of cuss words tonight, weren’t there? Gene the Bleep Guy FINALLY got the action he’s been waiting for. (Psssst . . . Lincee, I hope you don’t mind but I created an ABC guy and named him Gene. Also, I hope you don’t mind that I have decided that Gene and Gary the Camera Guy are best buds and play poker every other Thursday night. Let’s talk about it when you get home.)

11. I was reminded of how much Sasha confuses me every time he speaks. He tries but he has a hard time making sense. And he talks SOOOOO fast, you find yourself concentrating more on the fact that he hasn’t taken a breath. It’s kind of amazing, really: “Whenyoutellpeopleallthetimethatyou’reperfectthatwomenwantsomethingtofixthat’snottrue. Theywantittybittygreenswimmingshorts.Andthenwhenyoucomeacrossit’ssocannedlike itcameoffoflikeasoapoperait’slikethewholenineyards.Likeamythicalunicorn.You’reasheepandI’mawolf.Haveyouseentheunicorn? Andthat’swhyjillianwaslikebeyourselfandyou’relikethisiswhoIambutitdoesn’tlooklikearealperson, itlookslikea*****actor.” [Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand gasp for breath]. I just find myself saying “huh?” every time he opens his mouth.

10. Pizza Guy Mark made a late break for some airtime in this episode. I mean, he’s a few roses too late but I appreciate the effort – he spoke up LOTS. We found out he has an opinion. We found out he has a sense of humor. We found out he has a shirt that says “US.” And we got to see him in a playful snowball fight with Jillian. Where was THAT footage before he got eliminated? Poor guy got ripped off. He should have talked about being there to promote his pizza . . .

And can I take a second to go back to the snow ball fight for a sec? Jillian says “Mark LITERALLY knocked me on my ass with a snowball.” That’s a flagrant misuse of the word “literally” and I can’t let it go. I rewound it several times, Jilly, and your feet never left the ground. When people misuse that word, it LITERALLY makes my ears bleed.

But I digress . . .

9. How can we not talk about the awkward cameo of Jason and Molly? It was uncomfortable for me. I wanted to give them a courtesy laugh just to make the silence more bearable in my living room. When Jason referred to them as the “M&M team” and got no reaction, my butt clenched. LITERALLY. Jill gagged and then said the WORD “Gag” and then we were treated to the video montage of the lovely couple while also having to watch them watch THEMSELVES in the little picture in picture inset. This is when Jill began convulsing. My favorite part of the video, though, was the end where Molly is laying with her head on Jason’s lap and he bends down to kiss her. My L-5 ruptured just watching it.

8. Daaaaaaaaaaaaavid, David, David . . . what the hell is wrong with you?? Is it possible that you are seriously that boorish?? Are you really that confused that a women doesn’t swoon when you compliment her “ass”? Is this the first time that line hasn’t worked for you? His look of confusion just made me dislike him more. And, speaking of looks . . . did you catch Juan’s look when Our Host Chris Harrison asked David what he thought about Juan? Priceless. But my favorite part of the whole David-on-the-hotseat portion of the night was when OHCH asked Mike, Tanner P. and Jake what they thought of David’s disrespect of Jillian. You could see the blood drain from their faces as they gulped nervously, tried to answer, and then were ushered away by Witness Protection.

7. Let’s talk about Jake. Now, IHGB readers, please don’t judge me but I must admit to y’all that I am JUST NOW seeing that Jake might be a bit of a dork. I can’t really bring myself to say it out loud yet but it’s slowly dawning on me. BUT I can’t help but like Jake. I think he seems like a nice guy with a good heart and a streak of dork that he just can’t hide. And, really, how can he when he puts so much shoulder into his laugh? It’s a dead giveaway. Bless his heart.

6. And speaking of Jake, did you catch it when that one audience member stood up to encourage Jake in his decision to expose Wes and then she said “You were being a good man, a good friend.” Poor Jake’s face falls at the word “friend.” I said “Poor guy” and I actually heard Jill’s eyes roll into the back of her head.

5. Drunk Ed. Enough said.

4. I loved it when OHCH randomly picks a guy out of the audience to get a “dude’s” perspective because “let’s face it – these guys aren’t helping men out.” Nice, Chris Harrison. Well done. The guys in the audience suddenly put their heads down, start squirming in their seats, and silently beg God to spare them this humiliation on national TV. OHCH picks a token dude to talk to and the look on that guy’s face is priceless. It was a combination of “Oh crap – poker night’s gonna be awkward this week.” and “Something tells me this is the mother of all Man Code violations.” Poor guy.

3. “If it walks like a snake and talks like a snake, chances are it’s not the kind of guy that most women would want to date.” Awesome. This succinct and catchy phrase will catch on. Like “cheese ass.”

2. The blooper reel. I’m a sucker for blooper reels, folks. When it became apparent that that’s what we were watching, I leaned forward with a big open-mouthed grin on my face and got ready for entertainment. I wasn’t disappointed. Tanner F. dodging a bee in his western wear, Jillian pulling OHCH’s finger, Michael’s . . . ummmmm . . . gas following him, and a possibly drunk Jillian in ecstacy over a piece of pepperoni pizza. I’m quite sure that last part left Pizza Guy Mark thinking Jillian might have been his soulmate and left Tanner P. fantasizing about her eating pizza with her toes. As for me, I made a mental note to give pepperoni pizza another shot.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand the best thing about tonight . . .

1. Our Host Chris Harrison finally got some airtime!!! And he is FUNNY!!!! Jill spent a lot of time talking about how much she loves him and I, too, found myself drawn in by his hosting prowess. He’s super presh. And he was calling people out left and right. That would normally make my butt clench, but OHCH has a talent for clench-free confrontation. I loved it when he called the guys out for making a big deal about Juan doing a shot. I agree, Chris Harrison . . . “who gives a crap?” And I loved it when he asked David “when you say ‘I want him to go drown himself’ that means I wanna hug it out?” We rewound that one a couple of times. But our favorite line from him tonight was “so you’re saying ‘Love Don’t Come Easy’ isn’t original??” That’s good stuff, people. Good stuff.

So that’s it, folks! And now we have the finale and Lincee’s return to blogging to look forward to. Is Jillian in love? Is she engaged? Or is she just “extremely happy?”

We’ll see!!!!

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