I’m guessing the Vampire chick loved the date
Hello lovely readers! I am so sorry for the delay. I had meeting after meeting after meeting. And this morning, I had to shoot my AOL TV Squad video blog and let me tell you…I’m the biggest dork ever. Hey. I’m embracing the fact. Better y’all know what you’re dealing with now instead of later. No matter how much I think about what I want to say, when the green button goes live and I’m given one three-minute chance to talk, you never know what’s going to come out of my mouth. They give me one take, assure me that I’m not a complete idiot and thank me for my time.
This week, I wore color, toned my hair down a bit and switched positions in my office so you’re not staring at a monochromatic bland wall. I also figured out a way to get back at Some Guy in Austin. (Notice anything?) Look at me killing all sorts of birds with one stone!
So here it is. My second AOL TV Squad Bachelor Video Blog. Consider it my gift to you. Feel free to shake your head and bless my heart. I deserve it.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you poked on Facebook happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nephew/former classmate of someone who often purchases the Chick-fil-A cow calendars and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
We start off episode two with Brad waking up to a fresh new day. He’s excited about second chances and wants to start this journey right away. He’s barefoot on the back yard Astroturf meditating with his football. His counselor Dr. Eugene Feldman would be so proud right now.
Back at the mansion, the girls are all given mimosas and herded into the sunken living room where Our Host Chris Harrison gives the run down on this crazy show we call The Bachelor.
I’d like to take this time to personally thank his stylist for dying his Oxford the exact same shade of electric blue as his eyes. I know it was a monumental task and it does not go unnoticed. Harrison was smoking.
OHCH: “Ladies! For the handful of you who have never watched this show, I’d like to explain a few things. There will be two individual dates and one group date. Roses are handed out on each date. If you are on an individual date and you don’t get a rose, you go home immediately in an unmarked van without seats in the back. One rose will be handed out on the group date. And some of you unlucky girls will not get to go on any date what-so-ever, but don’t worry because somehow, Brad still gives you a date at the rose ceremony. Use your time with Brad wisely.”
Good one Hare. That’s going to be pretty tough for some of these ladies.
Harrison pulls the first date card out of his back pocket. We notice the extremely taught buttocks and give a little sigh. He jerks back just in time before one of the ornery brunettes barely misses his freshly manicured hand with her pointed nails. He exits stage left to a myriad of ecstatic shrieking forgoing morning mimosas for a good old fashion Bloody Mary.
First One-On-One Date
“The Road to Love is a Wild Ride”
Brad rolls up in his silver sports car looking all sorts of dapper in his suit. Ashley opts for a golden tin foil top, complete with yards and yards of bright yellow tulle that has been fashioned into a skirt. Brad escorts her to the convertible and Ashley secretly curses him for leaving the top down. She later makes an impromptu pact with the Gary the camera man, begging him to save her when this deranged Bachelor takes her into the middle of the woods and makes her listen to an epic poem he wrote listing all the ways he has changed in the last three years.
With b-roll footage of random raccoons and hooting owls coupled with a scary horror movie soundtrack, how could we not assume that Brad was going in a different direction? For a moment I had high hopes that the ABC intern was asked to recreate anxious moments from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but that didn’t happen either.
It was at the point that Ashley’s valley girl talk became super annoying that I yelled at the TV, “JUST SHOW HER WHAT YOU CAME TO SHOW HER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS ALREADY!!!” when Brad spotted a curious switch. After asking politely for Ashley to flip it, they decided to do it together on the count of three.
All of the sudden, we are in the middle of a field with a huge terrifying clown staring down at the couple. Ashley screams and takes cover behind Gary the camera guy. Brad persuades her to come out, constantly reassuring her that it’s a carnival. Aren’t carnivals fun? Aren’t you excited to be at a carnival? It’s a carnival!
Thanks Brad. The ginormous ferris wheel didn’t give that away at all. Say hello to your alter ego Captain Obvious for me.
Brad runs through the carnival like he was a kid and is extremely impressed that Ashley didn’t care that she was in a fancy dress and spiky heels that kept getting stuck in the grass. Ashley kept telling the camera that the date was per-fact. After a quick game of ring toss and a fun ride around the whirly gig, the pair heads over to the photo booth. We are treated with two painful minutes of awkward positioning and goofy stylings in order to capture the best shot of the night…which was Brad’s left eye behind a swirl of cotton candy.
Simply riveting television.
But then Ashley does something rather interesting. It appears that Brad was reaching for her hand to whisk her away to the Zoltar booth so she could make a wish to be big and then they would be the same age, when in a moment of confusion…or let’s face it…a moment of brilliance, Ashley goes in for a kiss. Brad is dazed but then sort of melts into the moment. He tells the camera that he likes this girl. Ash thinks he’s per-fact. They saunter over to a designated area where a delightful carnie has prepared a delicious meal of popcorn, nachos, fried Oreos and beer.
Now this is my kind of date! I perk up and pay attention.
Brad: Tell me about you Ashley.”
Ash: “I’m ambitious. I’m driven. And I’m always prepared for the worst. I blame my Dad who was never around.”
Brad: “Wow. We are so much alike. I’m getting uncomfortable because I know I’m supposed to open up about my feelings. Where’s my football?”
Ash: “Here. You can hold the teddy bear I won.”
Brad: “Thanks. Basically, my Dad was a tool too. He just forgot about us. He is every example of what I don’t want to be. That’s why I push people away.”
Ash: “When did you realize that?”
Brad: “Oh you didn’t know? I’ve been in therapy for three years. Dr. Feldman is amazing.”
Ash: “I just don’t want you to be back on the show to redeem yourself. Don’t feel obligated to choose someone just because.”
Brad: “Oh I don’t need redemption Ash…can I call you Ash?”
Brad: “But Lincee is calling you Ash…”
Ash: “That’s because she’s awesome.”
Brad thanks Ashley for helping him break down walls and open up. He feels lighter and happier. They head to the ferris wheel to make out for a few rounds. Brad forgets about Zoltar because clearly Ashley is wise beyond her years.
What felt like 50 women
Let’s Share Something From the Heart (get it?)
We begin this segment with Michelle telling the group that she’s annoyed she has to spend her birthday with 14 other girls from the house. She feels she deserves…nay…is entitled to alone time with Brad on her birthday. Because she’s not turning 29. She’s not turning 31. She’s turning 30. And this is a significant moment that requires rather large circular earrings and uninterrupted attention by our Bachelor.
Alli can’t wait for the date. I am thankful that ABC wrote out her name because I had no clue who this chick was. Emily thinks a 15-girl date is some sort of world record. And Melissa has decided that she is officially going to bring it since she quit her waitressing job and spent all her money on pretty dresses to come out to LA and find a man. And that man is Brad.
The girls are taken to a studio lot where Brad greets them in front of an American Red Cross blood donation van. The vampire chick is stoked. Brad gives a token “you all look so beautiful” before reciting his prepped speech about how he is looking for a woman who can both give and receive.
Careful Brad. This is prime time. Keep it clean.
Oddly enough, they will not be donating their blood today. Instead, we will be witness to three separate public service announcements. All “acting” will be performed by our very own Bachelor and his band of merry maidens.
The girls are given their scripts and ushered into wardrobe, hair and makeup. Raichel nearly faints when she sees Brad shirtless. I pause the TV. Keltie is upset that her character is a “butch lesbian” with a neck brace and two arms casts. She’s especially jealous when the vampire girl shimmies into her solid black leader cat suit. Britt claims she knows how to hide her nerves through her gymnastics training and Michelle quietly hums the “Happy Birthday” song a mere three feet from Brad and becomes disgusted when he doesn’t register the tune, swoop her off her feet to a secret birthday getaway that includes a helicopter, hot tub and some sort of chocolate covered dessert with a single candle representing their undying love.
Our first scenario consists of the lucky ladies in wardrobe outfitting Brad’s impressive pecs with some ridiculously fake chest hair. Then they stick an equally ridiculous mustache on his upper lip and tell him his name is Gustavo and he is in love with more than one woman.
We begin with Emily dusting a photo of Brad while in a French maid outfit.
Annnnd let’s stop right here for a minute.
If you listened closely, you could hear the collective sigh from all the men around the nation who took a quick break to check on their loved one in the bedroom at that precise moment while the BCS national championship was in commercial.
Embracing the intricate acting skills of Spanish soap opera stars, Emily is in love with Gustavo. Stacey is Gustavo’s wife. And Lisa is Gustavo’s mistress who is big and pregnant. They all declare, “YOU LOVE ME” and then give him a big kiss. After numerous takes of this one simple scene, Michelle moves off to sulk about it being the seventh anniversary of her 30th birthday, Britt becomes increasingly more nervous and Melissa decides to steal the show, walk on set and exclaim that Brad loves her. She attempts a kiss which is thwarted by Gustavo and ends up landing somewhere along the perimeter point of the fake mustache. I think Alli said it best when she concluded that Brad looked a little scared.
ABC is loving it. American Red Cross? Not so much.
During the next scene, the director decided that Brad is better with non speaking roles and asks him to concentrate really hard on funny facial expressions. He sits through Marissa playing a Southern Belle, poor Keltie in her lesbian lumberjack shirt and neck brace, Crazy Melissa asking Brad if he likes older women and the Vamp demanding he licks her boots.
American Red Cross. Give blood today!
Finally, Brad’s arm is twisted and he’s forced into a three way with Britt the self-proclaimed prude and Chantel who asks Britt if she’s going to give him tongue.
Classy with a capital C!
Moments after the director yells action, Chanel attempts to straddle our Bachelor when out of the blue, sweet innocent Britt pushes her out of the way and proceeds to make out with Brad for the remainder of the shoot. The scheduled three way quickly became a two way with a spare on the side. Luckily, Britt’s a gymnast and is very bendy. Everyone was shocked by Britt’s performance except the ABC psychotherapist who had secretly slipped a little yellow pill in Britt’s power shake when no one was looking.
Meanwhile, the birthday girl decides the only way to get her deserved birthday attention is to turn on the waterworks. Melissa thinks this is soooo rude since they are in the middle of “helping people save lives.” Kimberly reminds us that it’s Michelle’s birthday and she can cry if she wants to.” I gag.
Brad finds Michelle at a pretend birthday party feeling sorry for herself. They have a two second conversation about desires and potential and agree to just have fun on the journey. By Michelle’s translation, they are the equivalent to a couple who has been dating for at least eight months.
Michelle: “All I wanted for my birthday was Brad. And he came to me. He sought me out. When Brad kisses me and I kiss Brad, fireworks will go off. (She makes what can only be assumed as the universal sign language for kaboom.) Every girl he kisses after me is going to be one big huge disappointment.”
After ABC airs one of the public service announcements and we recover from the shock of ABC actually airing one of the public service announcements, we meet Brad and the gang back on top of a roof in LA for the after party. Brad asks if everyone has a drink and declares the rooftop a drama free zone!
And then Melissa drags him away for her exclusive one-on-one time.
Melissa: “Hey Brad. I just wanted to clear the air. After I ran up to you and kissed your mustache today, I felt that I shouldn’t have done it. It wasn’t classy. I’m not a wild and crazy slutty girl. I like to think of myself as spontaneous. That’s why I quit my job at Applebee’s, spent all my money on a new wardrobe and came out to LA to live my dream of being on the Bachelor.”
Brad makes very small movements, continues to smile and nod his head as he escorts her back into the fold.
In breaking news, Michelle is irritated because it’s her birthday and there are 14 skanks trying to get up on her man. She drags Brad to a secluded area and begins her interrogation.
Michelle: “You have walls.”
Brad: “What? No I don’t. Where’s my football?”
Michelle: “I want to dissect you.”
Lincee: Or…she wants to cut you. Same difference.
Brad: “I’ll tell you anything you want to know.”
Michelle: “What’s your biggest fear?”
I pick up the remote to fast forward because my internal organs can not handle another millisecond of Brad’s therapy drama. Just as my finger reaches the FF button, the camera pans to Melissa, Marissa and Raichel in a heated argument. Melissa accuses Raichel of using 21-year-old language to hurt her feelings. Raichel accuses Melissa of lying by omission. I have no clue what’s going on but fingers are in faces, tears are stinging eyeballs and the eminent threat of self destruction is in the air. FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
Sadly, the show cut to commercial.
Happily, Brad was swimming when we returned.
Sadly, we get one quick shot of him before he dives in the pool.
Happily, he stands in the shallow end and gives the sympathy date rose to the birthday girl.
Michelle celebrates by doing a weird ritual dance with said rose while chanting something in an African tribal language.
Second One-On-One Date
Let’s Get Our Love On Track
Looking hot in plaid, Brad tells the camera that he is giving Jackie the ultimate Pretty Woman experience. Jackie tells the driver that the car corners like it’s on rails. They have a spa day at the Reg. Bev. Wil. He takes her to Rodeo Drive and tells her she can have her pick of all the dresses. Some dude orders her a pizza and she tells the owner that Brad would love the tie he’s wearing.
The next portion of the date is brought to you by Neil Lane. Brad places a necklace priced at a quarter of a million dollars around Jackie’s neck and they head off to the opera. Or the Hollywood Bowl. Whatever.
Jackie: “I feel like the prettiest prostitute ever!”
Brad: “You look like the prettiest prostitute…wait…what?”
Jackie: “Oh no! I have a run in my panty hose!”
Brad: “We can stop at a CVS or something. Driver! Please make a left…”
Jackie: “I’m not wearing any panty hose!”
They arrive at an empty Hollywood Bowl. When Brad does not get her Pretty Woman reference of, “Well color me happy there’s a dinner set for two” the producers come in and explain that she doesn’t have to quote the movie through the entire date. Embarrassed, Jackie skips the entrée and sticks with just salad since she polished off that pizza earlier in the shop. Big mistake. Big. Huge.
Brad: “What were you like as a kid?”
Jackie: “Oh I wasn’t popular.”
Brad: “Did you date?”
Jackie: “Nope. I’ve only had two boyfriends my whole life.”
At this revelation, Brad begins dry heaving and a paper bag is fetched from the bowels of the Bowl. Jackie performs the Heimlich when he chokes on his own tongue.
Brad: “You’ve only had two serious relationships in your life? THAT’S WEIRD. This process forces us to throw caution to the wind. Are you prepared for that?”
Jackie: “Are you concerned I’m not?”
Brad hits speed dial one on his phone and is immediately connected with Dr. Feldman. After hearing the details of the current situation, the good doctor reminds Brad that Jackie is barely out of college and hasn’t had time to have more than one or two really serious boyfriends. Brad agrees and tells Jackie that he is willing to hang in there if she is.
The eternal optimist, Jackie chooses to not view this as a negative character flaw and decides to accept his rose. As if on cue, the curtains part and Train steps out to perform.
Brad notices the confused expression on Jackie’s face and tries to help her along so she won’t look too weird on national TV when she can’t figure out who the old guy is singing to her on stage. Right before she asks if the other Rolling Stones will be joining Mick Jagger, Brad tells her again that the super cool band Train, artists to 2010’s never-ceasing anthem of the year “Hey Soul Sister” is going to give them a private show.
They twirl about for a few bars. Brad asks if she is enjoying the band Train and if she’s happy. Then the music slows down a bit and he pulls her in for a slow dance, kissing her on the temple. They sway back and forth to the rhythm. He twirls her out and back around where his hand finds her face and he goes in for the kiss. Soft. Sweet. Appropriate.
Well done Womack. [Insert Aresenio Hall woof here.]
Brad feels like a brand new man in his hot purple shirt, matching tie and exquisite suit. He tells the ladies that he likes walking into a room full of friends instead of strangers. He gathers them all around for a toast and before the first clink of the free flowing champagne is heard, Michelle has pulled Brad away because she has some very important business she needs to discuss.
Michelle: “I have a huge question I need to ask you. Starbucks? Or the regular coffee bean?”
Michelle: “OMG! ME TOO! What’s always stocked in your refrigerator?”
Brad: “Eggs, turkey and water.”
Michelle: “OMG! ME TOO! Except for the eggs and turkey. Add a few boxes of wine and some batteries and we are a match made in heaven.”
Michelle begins to ask Brad if his toilet paper rolls over the top or under the bottom when he excuses himself to go talk to the other ladies. Michelle sits down with a group of girls and flaunts her one-on-one time.
Marissa: “What did you ask him?”
Michelle: “I had a bunch of random questions for him.”
Emily: “Oh you were being serious about asking him that stuff? I thought you were being a smart a$$.”
This is why we love Emily. And after Brad’s alone time with her, we find he thinks she’s pretty great too.
Just when Brad tells the universe that he is so excited that everyone is so happy, the camera cuts to Melissa telling Raichel how rude she’s being.
Rachiel: “You are nothing like me and you never will be.”
Rachiel: “I’m not going to entertain you with my presence.”
Melissa: “Nothing you do entertains me.”
Rachiel: “You are an idiot.”
Melissa: “I know you are but what am I?”
Rachiel: “Bite me.”
Melissa: “I don’t have to do what you say. This isn’t high school.”
Could have fooled me.
Melissa tries to get anyone to listen to her. No one seems to care. The ABC psychotherapist instructs her to sit by the fire while the intern fetches Brad. Hilarity ensues.
Brad: “How are you doing? OH NO! You’re crying! What’s wrong?”
Melissa: “I’m the targeted girl. Raichel is sucking the energy out of me.”
Brad: “Is she the Vampire girl?”
Melissa: “No. But that girl won’t talk to me either because I had a ton, and I mean a TON, of garlic on my pizza. [freaky giggling] I hope I don’t have bad breath. Here. Smell. Do I have bad breath? Whatever. I hate being the girl who is always attacked. Can I lean on your shoulder and cry a little bit?”
Brad’s face was priceless. He does his best to calm Melissa down and quickly leaves her in search of some good old fashion fun. That’s when he runs into Raichel. Who is also crying.
Brad: “What’s wrong with you? Did you give yourself a bikini wax?”
Raichel: “I’m having technical difficulties with Melissa. She pops up wherever I go. And now she made me cry and I wanted to look beautiful for you.”
Brad. “That’s nice. Hey…do you know where that gymnast girl is?”
Later, Harrison walks in looking delicious in a stunning gray suit. He’s still a bit on the tangerine side, but we’ll let it slide. He lets the girls know that a rose will be distributed at the cocktail party and none other than En Fuego Roberto will be helping Brad decide which girl gets the rose.
Oh. And Ali’s with him too.
After interviewing all the girls, Roberto decides that Emily is the best choice for Brad. He gets sweaty and nervous like a pre-pubescent heart throb before telling Emily that she is the picture of southern charm and asking her to accept the rose. She thanks him nine times as they bask in each other’s gorgeousness.
Our Host is back to click his glass letting the girls know it’s time for the other roses to be handed out. Along with Ashley H., Jackie, Michelle and Emily, the other roses go to:
Kudos to Brad for kicking Melissa the Waitress and Raichel the Manscaper to the curb. I have to admit that I expected at least one of them to stay, but luckily we still have our birthday girl available to fly that freak flag. And boy does she fly it!
Next week, we have to sit through another round of filming. And what I fear is karaoke.
Lord help us all.
Until then, I’m all about the shame, not the fame,