I’m so out of shape. Jane Fonda told me so last night.

Well…maybe it wasn’t really Jane Fonda, but she was a perky young thing named Stacy in a black sports bra. And maybe SHE didn’t really tell me I was out of shape as much as the huffing and puffing, weak arms, knee pains and the stitch I felt in my side about 20 minutes into Jazzercise.

Oh yes. I said Jazzercise. LET THE BLOGGING BEGIN!

I’m looking at it right now. Number two on my 2008 goal list. It reads, “Lose 20 pounds.” You all know that I love Roberto (who teaches salsa at my old gym) and how I’m bummed that I have commitments on Monday nights now and can’t attend his classes. And since I’m not a cute 23-year-old Rice grad weighing 12 pounds, I don’t feel comfortable at 24 Hour Fitness. I figured I would go to Curves down the street from my house, but their schedule didn’t mesh well with mine. What’s a girl to do?

As if by magic, I receive a brochure in the mail from Jazzercise. That’s the name of the establishment people. JAZZERCISE! A freakin’ dance class that throws some aerobics in for good measure. And it’s 0.4 miles from my house! If I was a non-lazy person, I could walk there!

Oh don’t think I didn’t sign up that day. Or at least call to inquire about Jazzercise. The lady was so nice. She signed me up over the phone. Then she asked, “Are you available tonight?” I told her I was going to see the Harlem Globetrotters. Then she said, “I guess I’ll see you bright and early in the morning!”

6:00 a.m. to be exact.

I’m not afraid of the morning. I’m actually a happy morning person. However…6:00 a.m. is EARLY! But the best part of Jazzercise at the before crack of dawn (and the fact that you live 0.4 miles from the establishment) is that you literally…I mean literally…roll out of the bed, go to the bathroom, brush your teeth, throw on a sports bra, tennis shoes and hat and walk out the door. NICE!

I enter the community center, spot perky Stacy in a heartbeat and realize…this is not the Jazzercise as I recall from the good old days.

Picture it:
Circa 1982. The Ray household did not have cable. Thankfully, the Clark household did. My friend Carmen would record Mousercise on the Disney Channel for several weeks and loan me the VHS tape. My sister Jamie and I would follow the instructions of this chick and quickly learned that tying a grosgrain ribbon around the waist of our cotton leotard made them awesome to the max. Being in a dance family, we had a million leotards from which to choose. And leg warmers. Oh the leg warmers. Pick you color. We had them. Can’t pick a color because you are overwhelmed by the selection? Here. Wear my rainbow pair. I’m that cool.

Picture it:
Circa 1984. Jamie and I were introduced to Jane Fonda. Why a 12-year-old and a nine-year-old feel the need Jazzercise is beyond me, but we did. We’d pop the cassette tape in my sister’s jambox and listen for Jane’s instructions. I can still hear her asking us if we feel the burn over Michael Jackson’s “Wanna Be Starting Something.” Our workout attire had advanced as well. Both in our bright aquamarine unitards with complimentary hot pink briefs. (This must have been the year my Mom started her trend of wearing our old leotards as her bathing suit. But that’s a blog for another time.)

Picture it:
Last night. It’s an interesting mixture of the old and the new. I was somewhere between. Stacy is looking cute in her sports bra and what appear to be Pilate’s pants. Huh. No leg warmers. I decided against my black parachute pants and “I Heart DANCE” off-the-shoulder number for my NYFD t-shirt, shorts and ball cap. Everyone over the age of 50 wore something (be it biker shorts or leotards) made of spandex and two were sporting head bands. Stacy bounds over to me, introduces herself and asks if I am familiar with Jazzercise.

Me: “Oh yes. I did Mousercise and Jazzercise back in the day. I had no idea it was making a come back.”

Words can not express the jerk of the head, squint of the eye and power of Stacy’s response: “Jazzercise never went anywhere. It’s been around for decades.”

Easy Stacy. Let’s loosen that microphone pack you have around your waist, okay dear? Long live Jane Fonda. That’s right. You go put your Marky Mark “Good Vibrations” on and we’ll follow along.

But to my surprise, we didn’t Jazzercise to Marky Mark. The “Off the Wall” album was not among Stacy’s playlist. Heck no. Jazzercise has been around forever and as a result, the tunes have evolved with the times my friend.

Stacy had us brining “Sexy Back” with JT as we grapevinded across the floor. We bounced forever to Rhianna’s “Shut Up and Drive.” And it was when Seal belted out “Amazing” while my arms started shaking holding up my little three pound weights that I thought I was going to die.

I’ve never jumped so much in my life.

As you can imagine, the knee is not doing so well. Two ACL surgeries make for tons of swelling. I found that lunging is going to be a problem. And the shin is flaring up from my spill down the stairs. Plus my sports bra was, how shall I say, less than supportive during my bouncing efforts.

But I get to dance! And I love to dance! (Cue video clip of Sarah Jessica Parker during the opening scene of “Girls Just Want to Have Fun.”

All and all, I feel Jazzercise is going to be the key factor to me losing 20 pounds by May. I’m just going to have to NOT stop by Einstein Bagels every morning to reward myself for getting up so early and not passing out in class.

It’s good to have goals people.

Comments

11 Comments on "I’m so out of shape. Jane Fonda told me so last night."

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Julie
Julie

Okay, so I just have to post. I’m a long time reader from The Bachelor Recaps who made the jump to the new blog–AND who just so happens to have recently taken up Jazzercise (at the ripe old age of 30)! All I can say is that I LOVE it, although I still haven’t seen my weight drop like I had hoped. (But you gotta start somewhere, right?) I think I’ve been a repressed dancer my entire life!

Andrea
Andrea

Lincee – absolutely loved the blog, as usual! A little bit of milk came out of my nose when you brought me back to Mousercise. (I think we’re about the same age.) 🙂 Also, adored Staci keeping you in check on jazzercize’s longterm stay power. On a related note, I can feel your pain, at least a little bit, b/c I sprained my ankle in a step class a few weeks ago, while I’m supposed to be training for a half marathon in Dallas in April. I don’t know what I was thinking. I NEVER liked dance!

Love and Puppies, Christy
Love and Puppies, Christy

Fellow Houstonian here – what is this place called? And how do I get signed up as well??

Colleen Snell
Colleen Snell

That was a riot! I’m a little concerned, however, if this is all you chose to wear in the morning to the class:

“I mean literally…roll out of the bed, go to the bathroom, brush your teeth, throw on a sports bra, tennis shoes and hat and walk out the door. NICE!”

Is it possible that the lack of a shirt and shorts was the issue for Staci? 🙂

Anonymous
Anonymous

Did you see what Jane Fonda said on the Today show on 2/14? I would post the link, but I can’t get on You Tube from work. You will have to search for Jane Fonda and the “c” word.

Anonymous
Anonymous

Long time bachelor reader and just love keeping up with your humor in between seasons! Congrats on taking the 1st step on achieving your goals! And, girl, go to Title Nine online and get yourself a good bra. You will thank me when your boobs aren’t sagging to the floor after a few years of non supportive jazzercise.

Starshine
Starshine

Yea, Lincee!!! I can’t wait for the post about your mom wearing your leos (as Jill and I called them in the 80s) as swimsuits. 🙂

Anonymous
Anonymous

Your recaps are the highlight of my week! Thank you for continuing to write them. And, I just have to add… as a 32-year-old with chronic knee problems, I feel your pain…. and lunges certainly are out of the question!! Don’t even try them – they will set you back. 🙂

Liz
Liz

Thank goodness for Jazzercise! As a person who recently moved to a small town from the city — and who is 40 miles from the nearest YMCA/24 Hour Fitness gymnasium, I am grateful to have Jazzercise in my town! You will find yourself soon wanting to become certified as an instructor! Or at least downloading the set from iTunes so you can do your routines in the basement.

Fellow Houston Jazzer
Fellow Houston Jazzer

This is a great blog! I have been following your bachelor recaps for a while and am thrilled to see you tried Jazzercise. I have been teaching for years and love it.

KatieJazz
KatieJazz

So THIS is where the disclaimer reference has it’s start!? I just started following your blog this season and love it! Your description of jazzercise is hysterical! I certified as a jazzercise instructor 9 years ago…but got my start as a Mouserciser too!

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