In the Name of Webbed Sweetness …Take Your Pants Off

956 roses
620 limos
355 crying ladies
19 crying men
167 hot tubs
35 million in diamonds
719 kisses (only QB Palmer and Firestone were good)
2 gun-toting Dads
8 proposals
One marriage
One baby
And a partridge in a pear treeInteresting opener ABC, but let me clue you in: We prefer to gawk at the HOT guy that is this season’s Bachelor. Your little opening montage, although creative, took two minutes out of my watching pleasure. Give me the promo you guys have been pimping on your website. Now THAT is a way to start the show. If you haven’t seen it, I suggest you click here http://thebachelorrecaps.blogspot.com/2007/09/oh-my.html

Ladies…and a few of you men…is he not precious? That’s how we grow them here in TEXAS.

And did anyone catch Our Host Chris Harrison’s tag line: “Welcome back to The Bachelor: America’s favorite relationship show!”

Oh…we’re taking that one far my friend. You leave it to me.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this witty banter and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying spaghetti O’s or have a Pilates instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.Meet the Bachelor
Brad Womack is a self-made millionaire who went from riches to rags and apparently back to riches again with his brothers and the four bars they own in Austin, Texas. College was not for him, so he spent 10 years in the oilfield. Career and money don’t matter to him. He’s ready to settle down with his soul mate.

Let’s just get this out in the open. I’m in love with Brad Womack. But since I wasn’t in the running for his affections, I suggest we meet this year’s batch of psycho crazies!

Lori
Maryland
Biology Teacher
My you remember her: She confesses to the camera that her goal for the night is to not cry or get drunk. Too bad her goal wasn’t connecting with the Bachelor.
Status: No rose.

Sheena
California
Internet Marketing
My you remember her: You don’t exactly remember her, but you do remember muttering “PRINCESS OF POWER” a few times under your breath during last night’s show.
Status: Rose

Jenni
Kansas
Phoenix Suns Dancer
My you remember her: You noticed Jenni’s short black dress and 60s headband as she stepped out of the car and when she danced for our Bachelor. You also couldn’t put your finger on who she reminded you of and then realized it was Katie Couric. After that, you could only think of Katie Couric when you saw Jenni.
Status: First impression rose

Kim
Connecticut
Realtor
My you remember her: My girl Kim took her shoes off before she even met the Bachelor. She was afraid she was going to be taller than him. THAT makes him feel really good Kim. At least fake a blister or something!
Status: No rose

Sara
Illinois
Bar Manager
My you remember her: Oh the energy…you wondered why she was SO BUBBLY like a child? Oh right. She is a child. You smiled to yourself that she offered to make him a drink and then he offered to make her one-just as you predicted they BOTH would on your super-cool blogsite. You pat yourself on the back for being so in tune with this show. Then wonder if that is a sad, sad fact.
Status: Rose

Bettina
California
Realtor
Why you remember her: You hope that she gets a hometown date so Bradley can bust her for not really knowing how to surf.
Status: Rose

Jessica
Florida
News Anchor
Why you remember her: First lame pickup line of the night: “They said you were hot, but I didn’t know I would need a fire extinguisher!” Bradley seemed to dig the cheese. But then Jess went and put a nail in her coffin by staging an “interview” with the Bachelor. She had just suggested he hold the fake microphone up to her for an interview when silver dress chick interrupts the fun by screaming, “BREAKING NEWS!” and pulling our Bachelor away. Classic.
Status: No rose

Morgan
Arizona
Graduate Student
Why you remember her: Morgan. Oh Morgan. How could we forget Morgan? I might still be hiding my face right now if it wasn’t so dang funny. Of all the stupid human tricks and one-liners, dear Morgan decides the one way to make sure Bradley does not forget her is by busting out the webbed toes. I’m not making this up. Can we all come together for a collective bless her heart? What was she thinking? The best part…and the reason why I heart Brad Womack…is when our Bachelor is describing the scenario and can’t stop laughing. He literally can not hold it together. I’m in love!
Status: No rose

Rigina
California
Account Rep
Why you remember her: Can you say Miss Brown Sugar?
Status: No rose

Erin
Florida
Publishing Sales
Why you remember her: After a few shameless plugs, you are super excited to hear the infamous story of how she broke her face. Here’s looking forward to next week! Fingers crossed that it’s worth the wait!
Status: Rose

Tauni
Minnesota
Nurse
Why you remember her: Even though you rewound your TiVo three times, you still are unsure about the “showing of the butt cheeks” incident. Can someone please explain that? Anyone? No?
Status: No rose for either cheek

“It’s DeAHnna
Georgia
Realtor
Why you remember her: She spoke Greek to Brad Womack in her jailhouse rock dress. She exclaims that her heart is literally jumping out of its skin and grabs the millionaire to feel her boob. I mean her chest. You question if she is purposely playing up the southern accent, because you’ve been known to slide into a deep drawl for some attention.
Status: Rose

Juliwithoutaneontheend
Chicago
Law Student
Why you remember her: Take your pick…Second lame pickup line from the night: “Since I’m from the windy city, I’m going to blow you a kiss. And if that’s not enough, I’ll transform myself into a human pretzel. Good thing I remembered my black leggings!” Classic commentary from our Bachelor: “I think it was supposed to be sexy…”
Status: No rose

McCarten-It’s Irish
California
Account Manager
Why you remember her: You probably remember her from next week’s promos. Looks like she might be our resident psycho! Yes!
Status: Rose

Susan
Illinois
Project Analyst
Why you remember her: Looks like Lilith from Frasier. BREAKING NEWS girl.
Status: No rose

Lindsey
Michigan
Model…and I’d bet pageant girl back in the day
Why you remember her: Not once, but TWICE, you were forced to shove your fingers deep in your ears and mutter, “Nonononononononononononononono” as she charmed us with her jacked up version of what I believe to be “Yellow Rose of Texas.”
Status: Rose

Jade
Boutique Sales
Tennessee
Why you remember her: They twirled each other around when they met.
Status: Rose

Kristy
Illinois
Acupuncturist
Why you remember her: Chick that came closest to making out with the Bachelor. She analyzed his tongue from three feet away. What in heck are these girls DOING? I encourage you all to KEEP IT UP. Good TV my friends. That’s just good TV.
Status: Rose

Solisa
Georgetown, but claims Austin
Esthetician
Why you remember her: Be honest with yourself reader. You remember her boobs. Admit it.

Status: RoseStephy
Georgia, Argentina and self-proclaimed citizen of the world. What?
Executive Assistant
Why you remember her: you don’t
Status: Rose

Hillary
Philadelphia
Nurse
Why you remember her: You laughed your butt off when the ABC intern encouraged her to go interrupt the Bachelor and tell about her broken nose. Little did she know that she would be trumped by BROKEN FACE GIRL! SNAP!
Status: Rose

Natalie
TEXAS
Law student
Why you remember her: I literally have no idea who this is.
Status: No rose

Michelle
New Jersey
Realtor
Why you remember her: In my notes, I have red dress written down. Seriously. Who are these people?
Status: Rose

Mallory
Hawaii
Nanny
Why you remember her: “You should take your pants off.” Aloha indeed Mallory.
Status: Rose

Melissa
New York
Event Planner
Why you remember her: She’s the gift that keeps on giving. Sweetness! Melissa gets a little tipsy and loses her boob. But then she finds it! Sweetness! She has trouble conveying her thoughts to the Bachelor and rambles about how the only thing she thought of when she saw him was sweetness. Just sweetness. Why he sent her home, we will never know.
Status: No rose

And there you have it ladies and gentleman. The best relationship show in America is going to have a phenomenal season according to the promo. Brad looks like he can pull off a decent kiss. The girls are going to be catty, which is always fun. But thanks to the ABC intern for making sure the old switcheroo is pulled with identical twin Chad. You deserve a raise for that one my friend. Sweetness!

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

Comments

95 Comments on "In the Name of Webbed Sweetness …Take Your Pants Off"

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Anonymous
Anonymous

how can you not mention Rigina’s (aka “Brown Sugar”) tattoo?

Anonymous
Anonymous

LOVE IT!!!
I read somewhere that Taunni has a 7 yo daughter???

Anonymous
Anonymous

Thanks Lindsey. I have been waiting for the recap!! You nailed it!

Anonymous
Anonymous

AWESOME Lincee! I’m literally drooling for more. These girls are killing me with their stupid human tricks that should no, I repeat should NOT be brought out 30 minutes into meeting a new man. Webbed feet? Seriously??? That is NEVER sexy. Note to self: If you’re looking to make a connection with the Bachelor, make it a GOOD connection! Make it a love connection…geez – their cheese is rubbing off on me!

Micah
Micah

Oh My God- I cant stop laughing.

It was certainly a jam-packed night of entertaining ladies and, I must say, a truly brave man. I can’t wait for the next episode. Let’s hope the twin trick turns out as good as it could be. Love you lincee- you just made my day!!

Anonymous
Anonymous

is it just me, or does his twin brother not really look like him? resemblence sure, but only an idiot wouldn’t be able to tell the two apart…

Anonymous
Anonymous

So glad Bachelor is back! Props to the show for bringing back more Chris Harrison time and the deliberation room!

Mississippi Girl
Mississippi Girl

Classic, The Bachelor is back!

Anonymous
Anonymous

Thank you for the fantastic recap!!

Was it just me, or did anyone else want to give Bettina some help with her feathered in the front, nothing in the back hair? I’m sure Britney has got some extensions she could borrow.

Anonymous
Anonymous

His brother doesn’t look like him at all. Stupid intern couldn’t even fool these idiotic ladies. And, what about the promo for next week when someone falls down the stairs. My future husband Bradley’s face is priceless!
BradwithaDontheend. LOL

Melissa
Melissa

I’m really surprised there was no mention of Morgan’s ‘signature move’..the “I’m watching” you look with the 2 fingers. I had to do a double take when she did it the first time and then she did it again and said that was her ‘move’. Though I agree, the webbed feet was way better, she was just a ‘no’ from the beggining. By the way, I think Brad laughing at the webbed feet was the funniests bachelor moment yet.

Anonymous
Anonymous

Just heard about this blog…love it!!!

Anonymous
Anonymous

Also heard that Tauni has a daughter…makes you wonder if she told him the first night??????

Catherine Avril Morris
Catherine Avril Morris

Hooray for Lincee!! She’s back!!!

Oh yeah, and so is The Bachelor. I call Jade as the winner, and DeAHNna as the Moana-esque dark horse who will be in the final 2, and everyone will hate her, and she’ll turn out to be just a little too crazy and controlling and, you know, real-ish, for him to be with.

Jade seemed sweet and normal, plus he seems to like the dark-haired ladies, so that’s why I call her as winner.

Anonymous
Anonymous

Did anyone think that Jenni looked and acted like Mary Catherine Gallager from SNL?

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