In the Name of Webbed Sweetness …Take Your Pants Off

956 roses
620 limos
355 crying ladies
19 crying men
167 hot tubs
35 million in diamonds
719 kisses (only QB Palmer and Firestone were good)
2 gun-toting Dads
8 proposals
One marriage
One baby
And a partridge in a pear treeInteresting opener ABC, but let me clue you in: We prefer to gawk at the HOT guy that is this season’s Bachelor. Your little opening montage, although creative, took two minutes out of my watching pleasure. Give me the promo you guys have been pimping on your website. Now THAT is a way to start the show. If you haven’t seen it, I suggest you click here

Ladies…and a few of you men…is he not precious? That’s how we grow them here in TEXAS.

And did anyone catch Our Host Chris Harrison’s tag line: “Welcome back to The Bachelor: America’s favorite relationship show!”

Oh…we’re taking that one far my friend. You leave it to me.


The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this witty banter and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying spaghetti O’s or have a Pilates instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.Meet the Bachelor
Brad Womack is a self-made millionaire who went from riches to rags and apparently back to riches again with his brothers and the four bars they own in Austin, Texas. College was not for him, so he spent 10 years in the oilfield. Career and money don’t matter to him. He’s ready to settle down with his soul mate.

Let’s just get this out in the open. I’m in love with Brad Womack. But since I wasn’t in the running for his affections, I suggest we meet this year’s batch of psycho crazies!

Biology Teacher
My you remember her: She confesses to the camera that her goal for the night is to not cry or get drunk. Too bad her goal wasn’t connecting with the Bachelor.
Status: No rose.

Internet Marketing
My you remember her: You don’t exactly remember her, but you do remember muttering “PRINCESS OF POWER” a few times under your breath during last night’s show.
Status: Rose

Phoenix Suns Dancer
My you remember her: You noticed Jenni’s short black dress and 60s headband as she stepped out of the car and when she danced for our Bachelor. You also couldn’t put your finger on who she reminded you of and then realized it was Katie Couric. After that, you could only think of Katie Couric when you saw Jenni.
Status: First impression rose

My you remember her: My girl Kim took her shoes off before she even met the Bachelor. She was afraid she was going to be taller than him. THAT makes him feel really good Kim. At least fake a blister or something!
Status: No rose

Bar Manager
My you remember her: Oh the energy…you wondered why she was SO BUBBLY like a child? Oh right. She is a child. You smiled to yourself that she offered to make him a drink and then he offered to make her one-just as you predicted they BOTH would on your super-cool blogsite. You pat yourself on the back for being so in tune with this show. Then wonder if that is a sad, sad fact.
Status: Rose

Why you remember her: You hope that she gets a hometown date so Bradley can bust her for not really knowing how to surf.
Status: Rose

News Anchor
Why you remember her: First lame pickup line of the night: “They said you were hot, but I didn’t know I would need a fire extinguisher!” Bradley seemed to dig the cheese. But then Jess went and put a nail in her coffin by staging an “interview” with the Bachelor. She had just suggested he hold the fake microphone up to her for an interview when silver dress chick interrupts the fun by screaming, “BREAKING NEWS!” and pulling our Bachelor away. Classic.
Status: No rose

Graduate Student
Why you remember her: Morgan. Oh Morgan. How could we forget Morgan? I might still be hiding my face right now if it wasn’t so dang funny. Of all the stupid human tricks and one-liners, dear Morgan decides the one way to make sure Bradley does not forget her is by busting out the webbed toes. I’m not making this up. Can we all come together for a collective bless her heart? What was she thinking? The best part…and the reason why I heart Brad Womack…is when our Bachelor is describing the scenario and can’t stop laughing. He literally can not hold it together. I’m in love!
Status: No rose

Account Rep
Why you remember her: Can you say Miss Brown Sugar?
Status: No rose

Publishing Sales
Why you remember her: After a few shameless plugs, you are super excited to hear the infamous story of how she broke her face. Here’s looking forward to next week! Fingers crossed that it’s worth the wait!
Status: Rose

Why you remember her: Even though you rewound your TiVo three times, you still are unsure about the “showing of the butt cheeks” incident. Can someone please explain that? Anyone? No?
Status: No rose for either cheek

“It’s DeAHnna
Why you remember her: She spoke Greek to Brad Womack in her jailhouse rock dress. She exclaims that her heart is literally jumping out of its skin and grabs the millionaire to feel her boob. I mean her chest. You question if she is purposely playing up the southern accent, because you’ve been known to slide into a deep drawl for some attention.
Status: Rose

Law Student
Why you remember her: Take your pick…Second lame pickup line from the night: “Since I’m from the windy city, I’m going to blow you a kiss. And if that’s not enough, I’ll transform myself into a human pretzel. Good thing I remembered my black leggings!” Classic commentary from our Bachelor: “I think it was supposed to be sexy…”
Status: No rose

McCarten-It’s Irish
Account Manager
Why you remember her: You probably remember her from next week’s promos. Looks like she might be our resident psycho! Yes!
Status: Rose

Project Analyst
Why you remember her: Looks like Lilith from Frasier. BREAKING NEWS girl.
Status: No rose

Model…and I’d bet pageant girl back in the day
Why you remember her: Not once, but TWICE, you were forced to shove your fingers deep in your ears and mutter, “Nonononononononononononononono” as she charmed us with her jacked up version of what I believe to be “Yellow Rose of Texas.”
Status: Rose

Boutique Sales
Why you remember her: They twirled each other around when they met.
Status: Rose

Why you remember her: Chick that came closest to making out with the Bachelor. She analyzed his tongue from three feet away. What in heck are these girls DOING? I encourage you all to KEEP IT UP. Good TV my friends. That’s just good TV.
Status: Rose

Georgetown, but claims Austin
Why you remember her: Be honest with yourself reader. You remember her boobs. Admit it.

Status: RoseStephy
Georgia, Argentina and self-proclaimed citizen of the world. What?
Executive Assistant
Why you remember her: you don’t
Status: Rose

Why you remember her: You laughed your butt off when the ABC intern encouraged her to go interrupt the Bachelor and tell about her broken nose. Little did she know that she would be trumped by BROKEN FACE GIRL! SNAP!
Status: Rose

Law student
Why you remember her: I literally have no idea who this is.
Status: No rose

New Jersey
Why you remember her: In my notes, I have red dress written down. Seriously. Who are these people?
Status: Rose

Why you remember her: “You should take your pants off.” Aloha indeed Mallory.
Status: Rose

New York
Event Planner
Why you remember her: She’s the gift that keeps on giving. Sweetness! Melissa gets a little tipsy and loses her boob. But then she finds it! Sweetness! She has trouble conveying her thoughts to the Bachelor and rambles about how the only thing she thought of when she saw him was sweetness. Just sweetness. Why he sent her home, we will never know.
Status: No rose

And there you have it ladies and gentleman. The best relationship show in America is going to have a phenomenal season according to the promo. Brad looks like he can pull off a decent kiss. The girls are going to be catty, which is always fun. But thanks to the ABC intern for making sure the old switcheroo is pulled with identical twin Chad. You deserve a raise for that one my friend. Sweetness!

All about the shame, not the fame,


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