Right away, this episode was off for me. Did you feel it too? Our Host Chris Harrison was missing. It’s just plain weird for Jake to introduce the rules of this week’s dates. It should be Hare telling us that there are going to be three one-on-one dates and one two-on-one date. It felt off. It felt wrong.

I implore you ABC producers. Listen to reason. The world needs more Chris Harrison.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Christmas candy or have a Bikram Yoga instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

After a bunch of squealing and shrieking at their hotel suites in San Francisco, Jake leaves the first date card with the ladies. In true Captain Obvious fashion, he hands it to the girl who will be going on the date and then promptly tells them to wait until he’s out of the room before opening the card.

First One-On-One
Tenley
Let’s Get Our Love on Track in San Francisco

Tenley jumps up and down like a little girl on Christmas morning. Since Ali is from San Francisco and knows everything there is to know about her home town, she deduces with certain confidence that more than likely they will be taking a trolley.

Our Captain Obvious count is up to two.

Tenley: “I’m so excited to finally get a one-on-one date with Jake and just hang out and see what it’s like to be a couple. It’s becoming real. My heart is beating so fast. I’m nervous. I’ve been anticipating this for so long. It’s hot in here? Oh geez. Now I’m sweating. Is anyone else sweating? I might need…yes…I will need a paper sack to breathe in and out. Ali? Can you get me a paper sack? Please? Corrie? Can you hold my hair back?”

Ali rolls her eyes and starts telling the group about how awesome San Francisco is and that Jake would be an imbecile not to invite her on a one-on-one date so she can show him around. Vienna stares off into space and Gia feels like the fifth wheel.

Jake admits that he is excited to go on a date with Tenley.

Jake: “Tenley is so sweet and positive. All the time. I mean ALL the time. It’s not annoying at all. And I know she’s been hurt by her ex-husband, so I’d like to see if I can get her to bad mouth him or get angry or something so I’ll know that she’s not a Stepford Wife prototype.”

The duo rides the trolley and hang their heads out the doorway. It’s your typical Rice-A-Roni commercial. (Clang, Clang!) The trolley lets them off at Chinatown and Jake regales that it’s just like being a foreign country…but not.

Captain Obvious count: 3

They play with fake swords. A Chinese woman convinces him that suckling pig is just like Texas BBQ. They try on funny hats. They make secret messages in personalized fortune cookies. Jake says there is definitely chemistry. I personally don’t see it. Tenley turns into Mama Bear and asks Jakey how he’s doing. There isn’t room for him to lay his head in her lap so he just quickly explains that it’s been a tough road. Tenley encourages him by saying he’s made really good decisions and then they kiss.

They walk outside and see a dude playing an instrument that appears to be made of a single bag pipe and an old Kleenex box. This is the moment the ABC producers told him that he was falling for Tenley.

Back at the California suite of the fancy hotel, there is a hard knock at the door. Corrie runs to fetch the date card.

It was at this moment that I wrote in my notes: Lord please. PLEASE LET IT BE VIENNA AND ALI! That’s just good television and it makes sense!

Low and behold…Corrie reads off Ali and Vienna’s names. NICE! You could cut the tension in that room with a sword you bought in Chinatown. The glares that swept from one girl to another were PRICELESS!

Ali: “I literally feel sick.”

Hey Ali. I’m going to need you to be a little more honest, okay? Tell us what is really on your mind. Don’t hold back.

Corrie: “SYKE! Totally kidding. I’m joking! It’s really a two-on-one date with Vienna and Gia. HA! You have to admit that was funny. Ali. Wasn’t that funny? Are you mad at me? I thought that was so funny. That’s my role. I’m the funny one. I make you laugh. Don’t hate me. Please don’t tell Jake I’m mean. Are we cool? Let’s change the subject. Hey Vienna. Are you mad that you are going on a two-on-one date?”

Vienna: “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Ali: “Look. We made a pact way back at the hot tub that day saying that we were all in this together and were going to tell the truth not matter what and just be honest with each other. For example, I think Corrie is an immature brat. Do you see her crying over there? She better hope and pray one tear doesn’t roll down that baby face of hers or I’ll give her something to cry about. Now what is your problem Vienna?”

Vienna: “I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to leave.”

Ali: “Do you want me to leave?”

Vienna sits back down: “That’d be great. Thanks Ali.”

Ali: “Oh no you didn’t! If you are upset with me, just tell me what you think I did and then I’ll convince you otherwise. Now spit it out!”

Vienna: “You flipped out at the rose ceremony because Jake gave me a rose. You hate me and talk bad about me.”

Ali: “How do you know I was talking about you, conceited?”

Vienna: “Dude. I heard you. I was standing two feet away and you were stage whispering. I’d have to be deaf not to know that you were talking about me.”

Ali: “It had nothing to do with you. It’s my opinion and it was a personal conversation I was having with myself. I’m so going to tell Jake that you are an eavesdropper.”

Vienna: “I didn’t do anything.”

Ali: “You talk bad about people in the house.”

Vienna: “THAT WAS YOU!”

Ali: “I only speak the truth. If you are honest, it’s not gossip. It’s healthy. XoXo Vienna.”

Vienna later tells the camera that Ali flat out pisses her off. She then says that Ali will never break her and Jake up because their love is strong enough to get through this storm. She is done with Ali. DONE.

Back in Chinatown, Jake tells Tenley it’s been 15 minutes since they ate and he is famished. He is taking her to a tower to have dinner. Afterwards, she is going to let her hair down so he can try and climb up it to rescue her from this crazy adventure.

When they reach the top, Jake is huffing and puffing.

I’m serious when I say that he has a medical condition. Bless his heart.

As they eat dinner, Jake decides to bring up her divorce again.

Jake: “You know more about marriage than I do. What mistakes in your marriage did you feel you made that you will be conscious of second time around?

Tenley: “I took things for granted. I regret not jumping off the couch or from the desk to greet him when he came home. He needs his slippers and his pipe and his glass of bourbon. That was my biggest mistake. I’ve learned so much. I will not give up on love. Giggle, giggle. What expectations do you have Jake?”

Jake: “That’s easy. I want my wife to always have my back no matter what. Respect from my wife is important. I want love, honor and respect…no matter what. Even if I do something stupid. A marriage is never going to be perfect, but love will be. Love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love.”

Tenley: “You’ve already quoted those lyrics to me Jake.”

Jake: “Sorry. I get so confused with all these women. I should write it down so I don’t repeat. This is embarrassing. Okay, how about this? I’d go hungry, I’d go black and blue. I’d go crawling down the avenue. There ain’t nothing that I wouldn’t do. To make you feel my love.”

Tenley: “I’m sorry?”

Jake: “Shoot. Before your time AND country. It was Garth Brooks. Let me try again. Wise men say that only fools rush in. But I can’t help falling in love with you.”

Tenley: “Don’t you just love UB40?”

Jake: “I do. And I love Elvis too, but that’s neither here nor there.”

Tenley: “I have a question for you. What about pilots and their reputation for being unfaithful?”

Jake: “Cheating is a choice. The woman I marry will be the last woman I look at.”

And then they kiss.

Jake tells the camera that is expectations were completely exceeded. The conversation flowed. The kisses were magical. And they even wrote the same super secret message (Kiss Me) on their fortune cookie fortunes.

It’s so perfect that the ABC producers all them up to the tip top of the tower and tell them to make out for a good five minutes so they can play the plinky instrumental version of “On the Wings of Love” which is conveniently available on www.abc.com to download for $1.99.

Two-On-One Date
Vienna
Gia
Come Be a Princess in My Castle

Back at the Hotel California, there is another knock at the door. A huge trunk has been delivered and it takes all four girls to drag it inside. Upon opening, they find layers and layers and layers of clothes.

Vienna: “Seriously. Jake knows me sooooo well. OMG. A trunk full of clothes? Dresses, coats, hats, scarves. It was really sweet of him to buy me so many pretty things. I am super excited to go on a date with him.”

Gia complains that she is not as outgoing as Vienna and is practically throwing in the towel before they even get to the Napa Valley vineyard. She’s also a little ticked that she has to go back to a vineyard for a date. There’s only so much hide-and-go-seek one can play in a vineyard. She’ll have to think of something else creative to do.

Jake: “I’m a bit nervous for this date. I want to divide my time equally among the two girls. I think it might get awkward.”

Captain Obvious count: 4

Vienna: “This is the perfect date for me. I’m my Daddy’s princess. Jake thinks I’m his queen since he’s bringing me to his castle and that makes him my Prince Charming! And if my dog were here, I’d dress him up as the court jester. How cute would that be? I’m going to write that down in my journal.”

Jake puts his arms around both girls (weird) and takes them to the top of the castle where they drink wine, eat cheese and stare at plates of salmon. Jake confesses that this is an overnight date and Gia is super stoked that she packed her toothbrush just in case.

Vienna lets us in on a little secret. Her strategy for the night is to pretend Gia isn’t there. She wants her boyfriend’s attention to be only on her and she will stop at nothing to keep him interested.

Vienna: “Jake, sweetheart, I just want you to know how happy I am to be here. I’d like to bring up a weird moment that happened last night. Remember how Ali was crying when you came back in? That wasn’t because she was sad about Jessie leaving. It was because she was upset that I was staying. She hates me and doesn’t understand how you could like us both. I had to hold in tears last night so you wouldn’t see me cry. And I don’t want the other girls to see me cry either. But it’s hard, so since we’re alone now, I’m going to let the flood gates open in hopes that you comfort me with a make out session.”

Gia: “I know you can’t see me because Jake is blocking my body from view, but I am here Vienna. You are not alone.”

Vienna: “Did you hear something? Must be a ghost. Anyway, boo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo…”

Jake: “There, there Vienna. You know I have specific reasons why I do things. I have the best four girls…”

Gia: “Hey there!”

Jake: “Five. I have the best five girls and don’t care what other people think. When I let go of Jess and Ash, I felt confident that I wanted you here.”

Gia: “What about me?”

Jake: “Oh right. You too Gia. Here. Let me lay down so that our shoulders touch and you can feel a part of this uncomfortable conversation. What is that too weird? Okay. Let’s you and I go for a walk and be alone.”

Gia reminds us that she is the insecure ugly duckling from high school and has never been on a date with a dude and another girl. She doesn’t like hearing stories about Jake either because it makes her disappointed in him.

Gia: “I’m falling for you. Then I hear stories from the other girls and I don’t feel special. You know how I put my legs in your lap? You do that with other girls. I thought that was our thing.”

Jake: “Hey! Calm down! I put my head in Tenley’s lap. Totally different.”

Gia: “I guess. It’s just hard. I don’t feel special.”

Jake: “I’m really, REALLY in to you. You are like, so kind, sweet and generous and drop-dead gorgeous. Are you falling for me? Because I’m falling for you.”

Hold the phone ladies and gentlemen! A confession of sorts. This is mighty interesting. Then they kiss and it’s the most passionate we’ve seen in a while. Could this be Jake’s front-runner?

Gia: “Is it okay to fall?”
Jake: “It’s okay to fall.”

Then they make out again. In the wine cellar. Very steamy. I, of course, miss it because I’m puking in the bucket I keep by my couch when chachtastic dialog like that comes up.

Meanwhile, the ABC intern gives Vienna an old timey lantern, turns her around in a circle five times really fast and challenges her to go find Jake and Gia.

Between takes of Jake and Gia making out like a couple of band kids in the back of the bus on the road to an away game, we see Vienna slowly getting lost in the castle. Gary the Camera Guy is of no help so she starts yelling out Jake’s name. The echo freaks her out. It doesn’t help that the ABC intern is making spooky noises while rattling chains. Just before she discovers the secret entrance to the Gryffindor common room, she yells “HONEY” to the top of her lungs and hears the distinct sound of smacking exactly 100 yards away. She quickly turns and finds Gia and Jake with smeared lipstick and goofy grins.

Jake is a little miffed that Vienna didn’t stay put for 30 minutes so he could get to second base with Gia. He takes her out to the courtyard and listens as she babbles on about how they are MFEO (meant for each other). She puts her feet in his lap and insists they talk about the wonder that is Vienna.

Then Vienna senses Jake is pulling away. He asks, “What do you want in a husband?”

Vienna: “I want to be like 16-year-old kids in love. Have fun, travel, and wake up in the morning saying I LOVE YOU. I don’t think it should die down. I am falling for you.”

Captain Obvious count: 5

Vienna: “I don’t want to share you with the other girls.”
Jake: “This is a crazy adventure.”

Uh oh. Vienna needs to tread carefully.

Jake takes Gia and Vienna to their room and awkwardly hugs them both good night. Vienna admits that she can see a spark between Jake and Gia. But that won’t stop her from stalking Jake again in the castle. In fact, this spark fuels her desire to find him and give him a proper kiss good night.

Vienna goes down to the basement and attempts to roll a barrel of wine up the flight of stairs to Jake’s room. The Napa Valley vineyard castle people are not happy with this and insist on giving her two wine glasses and bottle to carry to Jake’s room. The ABC intern demands $20 to show her where the room is located. Unfortunately, ABC producers confiscated her wallet upon arrival to the mansion five weeks ago. She compromises by offering to flash the ABC intern. In turn, he must show her the way.

The ABC intern obliges.

Vienna storms in Jake’s room, ready to talk about new beginnings and finding love. Jake looks like he is done and sports a very sour look on his face. Later, we learn that he was thinking of his 90-year-old great Aunt Tilley because he confesses to the camera that:

Jake: “Vienna comes in. I’m almost naked under the covers. I’m not going to lie. I had dirty thoughts. That was hot as hell. So I had to do whatever I could do to not partake in her night cap. Ergo…Great Aunt Tilley. Thinking of her does the trick every time when a bucket of ice cold water is not immediately available. She knew she should go back upstairs. I can’t do that to Gia.”

Vienna goes back upstairs with a sad heart. She admits that she feels she might have hurt her changes and she is worried that she won’t get a rose.

Second One-On-One Date
Corrie
Fun in the Park
Let the record show that I can’t stand sweaters worn with footless tights.

Now that I have that out of my system, we can concentrate on other uncomfortable things. Like Corrie’s date. So. Awkward. I split the time either hiding behind a couch cushion or singing “Kiss the Girl” from the Little Mermaid.

Who’s with me? You know you did too. Admit it.

Jake: “I’ve decided to take Corrie to a park. I’m going to run and greet her in the middle. I hope she doesn’t take my shirt off, because I’ll start sparkling in the sunlight. Just kidding. How cool would it be to be a vampire? See? Twilight is more interesting that this girl. Oh well. Let’s do this thing.”

After they twirl in the meadow, Jake takes Corrie to a row boat. Jake rows. Corrie sits and stares at his muscles rippling under his shirt. Corrie tells the camera that she doesn’t kiss boys and that she doesn’t date just to date. She wants the boy to go 90 percent and she will go the last 10. Poor Jake admits that he goes 80 percent and wants the girl to come the last 20.

Therefore, there is 10 percent of awkward space that neither want to cross. But they stare. And they gaze. And they give goo goo eyes. And they lick their lips. And they smile. And they stare.

Dare you see her
Sitting dare across the way
She don’t got a lot to say (amen) but dare’s something about her
And you don’t know why but you’re dying to try
You wanna KISS DE GIRL

Sha, la, la, la, la, la don’t be scared. You’ve got to move your head.
Go on and KISS DE GIRL.
Sha, la, la, la, la, la float along and listen to de song.
The song say KISS DE GIRL.

Jake leans forward. Tilts his head. And proceeds to remove a piece of hair from her face.

So close. Yet…not really.

They go to the museum and look at all the museum things. Corrie feels there is a cloud hanging around over her head. So she decides to be brutally honest at dinner.

Corrie: “I feel your head is somewhere right now.”

Jake: “We are moving so slow. Now is a critical time. Are you ever going to open up?”

Corrie: “I’m a virgin. Is that enough information for you?”

Jake: “Geez Corrie. I’ll settle for knowing what your favorite movie is or what’s currently on your iPod.”

Corrie: “I know, but I think we need to fast forward to the important stuff. I want you to meet my parents. I would totally live in Dallas. But I want my own apartment.”

Jake: “I like the movie Airplane and I just downloaded Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus. It’s catchy. And since I don’t know what else to say, I’m going to go 90 percent and hopefully kiss you right now so we don’t have to talk.”

Final One-On-One Date
Ali
Show Me Your Town

Ali is stoked that Jake is in her neighborhood. And she’s super stoked that he’s such a gentleman to lug her bag around all day long! Score! Not only that, he buys her flowers from her favorite flower shop in her neighborhood.

Jake: “What’s your favorite flower?”
Ali: “Daisies. Wait. You’re my favorite flower.”

I think Ali just called Jake a pansy.

After that foam mustache joke, I just might agree.

Jake asks Ali about a day in her life in this neighborhood that is so important to her. She rambles on about checking email and eating brunch. They kiss. Jake admits that there is a comfort level with Ali, but there are some serious questions that need to be answered.

But not before they take a walk by the beach. They stroll. They see a crab being eaten by a seagull. They play soccer. They spread out a blanket. Jake lays on his stomach and Ali offers to straddle him and give him a back rub. Jake feels like a pansy so he turns over, thinking Ali will un-straddle him.

She does not. She proceeds to remain straddled and starts to rub his pecs. Then they sort of half-way dry hump and he pulls her down to his chest for a make out session that includes Jake grabbing her butt.

Clearly, Jake doesn’t think that now is not the time for serious talk. Unfortunately, Ali does.

She leans back up, still straddled, and begins her soliloquy. Jake can only answer in two word sentences.

Ali: “I’m really glad you are here.”
Jake: “Me too.”

Captain Obvious count: 6

Ali: “I feel comfortable with you.”
Jake: “I know.”

Ali: “I think it’s time we leave.”
Jake: “Five minutes.”

Later, Jake has regained some presence of mind and asks Ali if there is anything bothering her that she wants to talk about. Perhaps something that happened at the last rose ceremony?

Ali: “I want to see you happy. It doesn’t matter what other people say. What are they saying by the way?”

Jake: “Do you have any questions for me?”

Ali: “I don’t need answers. If you pick me…great. If not, it wasn’t meant to be.”

Jake: “Are you sure? Nothing about Vienna comes to mind?”

Ali: “Crap. What did she tell you? I was not crying or talking mean about her. That room was very dusty and I had something in my eyes.”

Jake: “Vienna is incredibly honest and goes out of her way to let me know that she is here for me.”

Ali: “Let’s make out. Do you want a back rub? Lay down and then we’ll talk.”

Jake: “I have a better idea. Let’s run in the ocean with our shoes on!”

Ali: “OK. My kicky new boots will be ruined but who cares! Say I’m a bird.”

Jake: “Huh?”

Ali: “Say I’m a BIRD!”

Jake: “You’re a bird.”

Rose Ceremony
Again with the weirdness. WHERE IS HARRISON?

Jake comes in and tells the girls that he has fallen for all five of them. Looks of shock ripple through the group. He says he is totally confused and then asks for a cheers from the ladies.

Again. We need Our Host to handle these moments.

Jake takes each girl, excluding Ali, for some one-on-one time. First up is Tenley. She says she is falling for him and that she is nervous. Then she wants to see him dance, so they get up and waltz around the room. Tenley channels her best Cinderella and is singing to cartoon blue birds and baby deer by the time he takes her back to the other girls.

Corrie decides that she wants to talk about her virginity again during her one-on-one time. Jake tells her that it’s not about sex appeal, it’s about heart appeal. Corrie gives him the key to her chastity belt and returns to the group.

Gia confesses that Jake passed a major test when he sent Vienna back to the room without a little hanky panky. Jake tells her she is different from all the other women and then picks up where they left off in the wine cellar. The ABC intern is sent in to poke Jake in the arm because time is wasting. Gia wanders back to the group happy that she will have a ring on her finger soon.

Knowing that Vienna likes to be last, Jake takes her hand and leads her away to a surprise he has planned for her. What is this? A surprise for Vienna? Shut the front door! He takes her to his suite, out on the balcony and explains that the other night was not their moment.

Jake: “You know what? I like Vienna. She is smoking hot. Have I said that before? She’s as sexy as hell. And hell is pretty sexy I hear. I’m going to let my heart go and see where it lands. Everyone else can suck it.”

Then, it’s as if the seas have parted and glorious music is channeled in from the heavens. It’s Our Host Chris Harrison clinking his champagne glass. We’ve missed you Hare!

One-On-One with Hare

OHCH: “Five girls. Four women. Talk to me Goose.”

Jake: “Wait. I thought I was Maverick?”

OHCH: “Not important. This is a pivotal rose ceremony. Home town dates man. Families. Fathers. What’s your plan?”

Jake: “It’s not like saying goodbye to a friend Chris. It’s breaking up with someone.”

OHCH: “Yeah, yeah. So what about your date with Tenley?”

Jake: “So cool. Have you been to Chinatown Chris? You can make your own fortune cookies there. And wear funny hats. I like it there. A lot.”

OHCH: “And Gia. You had some fun with her in the wine cellar didn’t you?”

Jake: “Yes indeed. She’s fabulous. She’s insecure though. And I don’t know why because she is smoking hot.”

OHCH: “Okay Jake. Let’s talk about smoking hot. That is so 80s. Between now and next week, I want you to come up with another adjective to describe Gia and Vienna that isn’t smoking hot. Deal?”

Jake: “Deal.”

OHCH: “What about Corrie? Is it weird that she kept bringing up that she’s a virgin?”

Jake: “Nah. She’s sweet. But it’s not surprise that she’s getting the boot tonight.”

OHCH: “Of course not. But I had to ask. What about your date with Ali. She’s feisty, isn’t she?”

Jake: “Everything is so natural. I can cuddle up with her and it feels safe and right.”

OHCH: “Note to self Jake. Dry humping is not cuddling. How about Vienna?”

Jake: “I never know what she’s going to say.”

OHCH: “But she’s the lighting rod of controversy. That doesn’t bother you? Do I need to remind you of a person we like to call He Who Must Not Be Named?”

Jake: “Dude. Uncool.”

Our Host Chris Harrison takes Jake back to the room to hand out roses. He tells them that his heart is breaking as he hands them out to Tenley, Ali, Gia and Vienna.

Jake begins tearing up. He wants Corrie to know that there was something missing from their relationship. He wanted her so badly to open up, but time got away from them.

Corrie gets sloshed from the free Vodka in the limo and talks about how she put up a wall.

Corrie: “Had it been just the two of us, it would have been different.”

Captain Obvious count: 7

Next week is hometown dates! Gia’s mom looks like she’s going to give our Bachelor a hard time. Vienna’s daddy wants to know if Jake will treat his daughter like the princess she is. Someone comes to warn Jake about something super secret and Our Host announces that for the FIRST TIME EVER, there will not be a rose ceremony.

Bring it on!

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee