It Takes More Than Showing Your “Special Spots” to Win the Heart of Brad Womack
My guess is that ABC tried to brainwash us with the circus. You know…greatest show on earth…but I didn’t buy it. I have to admit, I was a little bored last night. Maybe it’s because I’ve seen the same thing over and over again from this beloved show. Or maybe it’s because I was anticipating the wonder twin power at the end.
Maybe it’s because I was doped up on cough medicine and the thought of laying my head down on the comfy couch cushion was much more entertaining than what was on TV.
It’s a mystery. But there were a few juicy parts. And I’m sure you know the ones I’m talking about.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this witty banter and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying spaghetti O’s or have a Pilates instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Group Date One
Greatest Show on Earth
Date box arrives with a ton of circus paraphernalia inside…big glasses, Dumbo ears, red noses…the works. DeAHnna is super stoked. She’s never been to a real circus…just the fake ones they put on in the Wal-Mart parking lot.
Brad is excited to see the inner child in all of the girls. He loads them up in a limo, reads his cue card, and tells the girls that they will be seeing lions, and tigers and bears…
They all shout, “OH MY!” in unison. Brad grins. Lincee rolls her eyes and reaches for her box of Kleenex.
They feed the elephants. One of them blows snot on young Sarah. Brad leads them to the luxury box. I wonder why I’ve never seen a luxury box at the circus? Probably because they don’t have those at the Wal-Mart circus. Gee…DeAHnna and I have a lot in common.
Stephy balances on a tight rope in her flip flops. Jenni balances on a ball. All the girls stand in a line while clowns juggle bowling pins around their faces. Jenni busts out into some spontaneous gymnastics. She executes a round-off, back handspring, back flip.
In a strapless top.
Good night! Did she staple the top to her chest? How in the world did that thing stay up? I bet she’s a little disappointed that ABC didn’t have to censor her nip with a little rose bud. I’m just saying…
Brad pulls Jenni away to tell her again that she reminds him of Katie Couric and that he has amazing chemistry with her. She decides to get serious and ask him if he can handle a long-distance relationship. And when you get serious with your fake boyfriend, you hold his had in a death grip to your chest. She takes a deep breath and starts chattering away.
She is a dancer for the Phoenix Suns and has committed to the entire season. She assures him that she wants to be the last one standing. Brad mumbles something about her allowing him to date other people and then tries to get to second base. Unsuccessful due to the Gorilla Glue holding Jenni’s shirt tight to her skin.
Brad moves on to Stephy who talks about her Dad the whole time.
She cries a little.
Sensing the emotional breakdown, Brad herds the girls backstage to watch the inner workings of the Ringling Brothers circus.
Next thing we know, the head clown grabs the audience’s attention by announcing some exciting news from the hanging microphone. The Sexiest Bachelor EVER is in the house- Brad Womack!
Hi…ABC? It’s Lincee. Yeah…I don’t think these people have any clue as to what in the world the head clown was talking about when he presented Brad Womack, the Sexiest Bachelor EVER, to the circus audience. Maybe next time you could give a little introduction that you are the world renowned ABC reality hit THE BACHELOR and then hype up your boy a bit? You could show him in that shower scene and I bet…
[Audience sees Brad and goes nuts because of his sheer hotness.]
Well there you go. Shower scene not needed. What the heck do I know?
It’s at this point that we realize Brad has a thing for the circus. He is geeking out about being a guest ring master and even admits to the camera that he can’t contain himself.
“I feel like that kid from Titanic. I’m the king of the world.”
Insert Jim Halpert face here.
During the circus, Brad pulls McCracken away. He’s not sure of her intentions and admits that there is a friend vibe. McCracken is extremely upset to hear this news and tells him that she is not an insecure person and doesn’t need a rose to secure his affections. He confesses that this approach is refreshing and he escorts her back to the circus. McCracken tells the camera that dating Brad is like walking the tight rope…some people need a net and some people don’t.
$10 says the ABC psychoanalyst fed her that line. Seriously. McCracken coming up with that analogy? I don’t think so.
There were a few more circus moments but they are too embarrassing for me to write down. The wig. The clown nose. The dancing. Just trust me on this one. You don’t want to know.
Stephy gets a rose for putting herself out there by crying while talking about her Dad.
Just Get Dressed and I’ll Take Care of the Rest!
Hillary pulls out a little trolley and a slinky black dress from her date box. Using both clues, she decides that her date destination will probably be San Francisco. Little did she know that ABC would rip-off the entire opera scene from Pretty Woman, right down to the million dollar jewelry around her neck.
Sister Solisa helps Hillary into her slinky black dress. She runs off to find some scissors. We’re not sure if this is to cut the dress into a short mini or to add another thigh-high slit. Regardless, Hillary is telling the camera her game plan. She’s going to be touchy, feely, keep him laughing and hopefully get a big fat kiss afterwards.
Unfortunately, she whined, moped, cried, gulped and got a sympathy rose at the end of dinner.
It started out with nervous giggling. Little eye contact.
Then it slowly turned into a trembling lip and watery eyes.
Cut to the other Bachelorettes talking about Hillary. Raise your hand if you want her gone? DeAHnna and McCracken raise their hands.
Back to Hillary: “I would rather give the shirt off my back and be happy and crazy in love than not find someone I can potentially like…someone I can fall in love with.”
Brad looks confused.
Bachelorettes: “I can’t believe you can be so rude?”
DeAHnna: “I’m just being honest. Why would I want her to come back? It’s a competition?”
McC: “I’m not here to make friends.”
Hillary: “I don’t want you to think I’m an emotional girl, but I do want to give my heart to someone and get married. I want them to love me for me…feel like I haven’t found that.”
Brad looks scared to death, takes a deep breath and hands her the rose.
Hillary: “I’m not going to look at you because you will make me cry.”
Insert Jim Halpert face here.
Brad makes it all better by taking her to the Ghiradelli Chocolate Factory. They make out and Hillary tells the camera she is in love.
Group Date Two
Boobies of the Caribbean
You can imagine what was in the date box. Sailor’s hat, anchor, pole for Solisa. Sheena is excited about the boat and the sails. She’s boated her whole life. Probably been to a regatta gala or two in her day.
Hey Sheena…we don’t know who you are. Maybe you should be excited about the hot guy beside you? Just a thought.
Sheena takes my advice and shows her adventurous side while risking her life (and Brad’s) on the wave runner. She shows her rebel side by being pulled over by the coast guard.
Bettina shows her dark side by admitting that she was married and divorced.
Kristy shows her fun side by steering the boat. Watch out Brad. She’s feisty! Brad gives her the rose.
And Sister Solisa shows her back side because, her words not mine, “All I can do is shake my butt really fast. So I did.” On his lap. Nice.
Brad can’t believe his “identical” twin dropped everything to come to Malibu (in the same outfit because twins dress alike) and help him figure out which girls know the true Brad.
This has nothing to do with their bars, the Chuggin Monkey and the Dizzy Rooster, and how their sales have quadrupled since the Matthew McConaughey look alike hit the small screen three weeks ago.
Power of marketing people. I’m just saying.
Brad wants Chad to pose as him during cocktails to see who can tell the difference. He feels that if it’s real, she won’t be fooled.
The brothers, using their twin powers that only twins know, run down the list of girls, descriptions, likes and dislikes. Brad tells Chad:
Stephy: Likes her Dad
McCracken: Not intimidated by nets.
Jenni: Uses industrial strength duct tape to keep clothes on
Lindsey: Does not like work, but loves to water color
Sarah: Makes a mean Cosmopolitan
DeAhnna: It’s DeAHnna…not DeANNa
Sheena: Dude…try and figure out who this chick is, will ya?
Solisa: Your wife will kill you if you go near this woman
Kristy: She’s tall
Bettina: Tainted from a divorce
Jade: I’m questioning the length of her bangs. Is that wrong?
Brad stays in the limo to watch the action and give regurgitated one-liners fed to him by the ABC intern.
McCracken questions, but finally concludes that Brad has a case of the giggles. Lindsey dives in to deep conversation with Brad about engagements, camping and timelines. Not a clue. Sheena is suspicious right off the bat and tells him his voice is different and the weird patch of blond hair is not on his ear. She figures it out. Chad comes walking around the corner and Kristy screams, “You’re not BRAD!” Bettina figures it out after about a minute. And poor Sarah thinks Brad looks different but decides he’s just not himself tonight.
She decides it’s just her imagination. Bless her heart.
Classic Bachelor Line That Will Go Down in History:
Stephy: “Either Brad’s wearing dentures, or I’m really drunk!”
Later, our host Chris and Brad introduce Chad. Lots of freaking out, yelling, fantasizing by Solisa, pointing and gasping. Brad admits that it was a test and he feels it was important to know who knew that Chad was not the genuine article. All intentions were pure.
That has to make you feel good that some girls pay that much attention to you.
Or it’s scary
Sarah the fetus and Lindsey the swimming nanny/model were both
sent packing along with Sister Solisa. Sarah was distracted by Chad/Brad’s drink to notice it wasn’t really him. Trooper Lindsey tells the camera that she’s not going to cry over something that wasn’t there. Then she cries.
And then there’s Sister Solisa. I’m going to miss that girl. I felt that they had a strong connection. I mean, she did show him those “very special parts” of herself. I guess those “special parts” were not what he was looking for.
All about the shame, not the fame,