John Wayne and Tarzan All In One
Sure he’s a little on the dorky side, but his chachiness is in check. My boy can flirt, dance and is not afraid to blatantly tell the camera that mechanical bulls excite him. He’s not playing it safe and he’s giving every girl a fair chance by getting to know them. In other words, he embraces his dorkiness with Officer and Gentlemanly charm and that my friends makes him borderline endearing. Welcome back Bachelor!
I’d like to kick it old school and bring back a tradition that is near and dear to my heart.
For those of you who have been with me since Firestone, you know that I occasionally break out a Top 10 list of what went down during the previous night’s episode. It’s an easy way for me to include all those silly questions that pop in my head during our show without breaking the flow of the recap. Join me as I recall:
MY TOP TEN RANDOM THOUGHTS OF LAST NIGHT’S EPISODE
1. Who doesn’t love a good 10-minute opening montage narrated by our favorite host Chris Harrison? We learn…again…that Lieutenant Andy is looking for love.
2. Steph plans on getting a rose after rose until she gets a ring on the finger. I called it. Psycho tendencies.
3. Let’s talk about the car. Give me a break. I keep picturing Michael J. Fox’s head poking up in the back asking what year we are in.
4. Whoever said he looks like an old Bobby Brady is right!
5. Did anyone notice the bubbling, foaming cocktail drink during the bull “riding” escapade?
6. Nicole says AWESOME way too much.
7. I think the Lieutenant’s ribs are disproportioned.
8. How do we feel about unmatching bikinis?
9. Someone please mess up his hair.
10. NO WALKING! NO HOLDING HANDS!
Our Host Chris Harrison gathers the ladies together in their Hollywood Hills mansion to explain the rules of this game we call The Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman. Since Steph was the lucky girl to win the first impression rose, she will be the first one-on-one date. Lieutenant Andy must choose after the date to give her a rose or send her home. The others will be split into two group dates. No roses will be handed out, but one girl will get super special one-on-one time with the lieutenant. She gets to stay with him while the other girls have to return to the house.
Group Date 1
Finding Love on the Sunset Strip
(While you are there, try to find Studio 60. I loved that show.)
In awe. In shock maybe? Unable to believe what was happening before my eyes? Begging myself to look away but fighting through the total embarrassment for the girls on the TV screen for the sake of this recap.
The mechanical bull. Oh the mechanical bull.
I’m from Texas. Lived here my whole life. I’ve seen lots of mechanical bulls. When you are born, you are issued a copy of Urban Cowboy. So I’ve seen Bud, Sissy and that convict guy who eats the worm from the tequila bottle on a mechanical bull LOADS of times.
But I’ve never seen a mechanical bull “do” what that mechanical bull did.
The producers let the ABC intern be in charge of the mechanical bull. And this kid has a wicked sense of humor. Let’s make the bull vibrate and bounce before gyration. BRILLIANT!
Lieutenant Andy is pumped about seeing his dates on the mechanical bull. He wants a girl who is not afraid. He needs someone who can get dirty, act like a tomboy and break her nails.
Tessa fakes a leg injury and yelps for Andy to help her. He switches his Lieutenant hat for his doctor hat and comes to the rescue.
Gymnast Stephanie rode for eight seconds. Everyone fell off except her. The Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman says that she is UN-believable.
Lieutenant Andy tells the camera he wants to switch from rock-n-roll vibe (huh?) to glamour vibe. He has a surprise for the girls. A room full of clothes so they can be transformed into elegant ladies.
In another brilliant move, the ABC intern (we love him this year) decides to NOT put mirrors in the room full of elegant dresses for the elegant ladies. They have to rely on the other girls to tell them they look good. Nice.
The girls come out to the pool on the roof of some hotel (didn’t’ we do this last year?) and all comment on how this is like a scene from a movie.
Background music swells. You guessed it… “Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong.”
Note to ABC: It’s already getting old people. Really old.
The lieutenant takes Nicole over to the other side of the pool. She can’t get over his chocolate and blueberry suite. I can’t get over that she called it chocolate and blueberry. She says she is nervous. He asks her to dance. And they salsa.
Note to male readers: Most girls love to dance. Learn a few basic steps and you are golden. Let’s keep the “white man overbite” and cheesy moves from the ‘80s to a minimum. Salsa is always good. Trust me. Just ask Roberto from Lifetime Fitness. I’m getting heat flashes…
We learn that Alexis was home schooled, has strong moral values, is very old fashioned and true to her roots. Unfortunately, Lieutenant Andy respects that and therefore, she will be sent home at the end of the night.
OUR FIRST HOT TUB SCENE
Finally. Back in the Firestone days, we had hot tubs every date. I think Andy is prepared to jump in to that method of thinking. You can learn a lot from a girl in a bikini. It’s scientific fact.
Andy is surrounded by seven women and loving life. All of a sudden, he realizes that he hasn’t had any one-0n-one time with Bevin. He asks her to join him in the pool. They hold hands and jump. Before they are even up for their first breath of air, Bev’s legs are wrapped around our Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman. It must have been the shallow end, because tri-athlete or not…dude would have drowned with her legs holding on so TIGHT.
Andy’s first Chach moment of the night: “Do you want to go under water?”
But then he redeems himself. He makes out with Bev under that water. You sly dog.
Back in the hot tub, the lieutenant says that he must pick one girl to stay while the others go home. He picks Tiffany.
Don’t bother looking her up on the ABC website right now. I don’t know who she is either. He picks her because she is quiet and he feels he didn’t get enough quality time with her. He wanted to give her the opportunity to shine.
And she took that opportunity and waved lazily as it passed her by.
It was awful. And awkward. And sad. Here’s a snippet into the night’s tantalizing conversation:
Tif: “Why did you choose me?”
O&G: “You have a lot of depth, but I haven’t seen your true colors.”
Translation: (Tif) “My boobs didn’t once jiggle on the bull. Why me?”
Translation: (O&G) “I’m giving you a chance to jiggle them now.”
O&G: “Have you ever dated a doctor?”
Tif: “A little.”
O&G: “Was it good?”
O&G: “Ever dated anyone in the military?”
Translation: (O&G) “I’m the total package and need you to know that it doesn’t get any better than this.”
O&G: “Has anyone ever told you that you have the cutest dimples?”
O&G: “I’m glad you are here.”
Translation: “I’m glad you are here so I know I didn’t make a mistake sending you back to Boston tonight.”
Group Date 2
Let’s Get Physical!
Lieutenant Andy explains to the camera that he is a six time Iron Man and that athletics are a huge part of his life. He wants to see who freaks out when told that they have to participate and compete in a mini triathlon.
The girls arrive and make their way out to the pool. Lieutenant Andy exclaims, “OH MY GOODNESS” as they saunter through the double doors.
OH MY GOODNESS indeed. Clad in their powder blue terry cloth hot pants complete with tube socks pulled up to their knee caps, the girls awkwardly eye the pool. Some have gone as far to try and modernize their awkward apparel. There are head bands. Wrist bands. Off-the-shoulder t-shirts a-la Flashdance. What a feeling…
Lieutenant Andy encourages the girls to eat up because later they will want the extra energy. Great. Just what we need. A Bachelorette hurling her scrambled eggs and mimosa into the grass by the stationary bicycle. Can’t WAIT for that!
Almost immediately after they sit down, Tina asks our Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman to escort her to the pier to take in the view. Kate thinks this makes her a hussy.
She’s no hussy Kate. Tina is smart.
Tina tells the camera that she is not that athletic and wants Andy to know her before judging her on her swimming, pedaling and running abilities. Brains. The girl has brains. They talk about doctor stuff, laughing at funny orthopedic happenings in their residencies and Tina knows…her strategy has worked and the pressure is off.
Susan (aka Heidi) is worried about the competition too, but it should be too bad since she walks her dog three times a week.
Or was it Erin?
Regardless, they look like identical twins and pretty much form an alliance. They will compete TOGETHER and hold hands the entire time. This way, they won’t mess their makeup or get their hair wet. Yeah!
We begin in the water. Four laps.
Next, on the bike for two miles.
Finally, four laps around the pool.
First one to cross the finish line gets one-on-one time with the lieutenant.
Andy blows the whistle…AND THEY’RE OFF!
The girls look scared to death.
Heidi/Twin doesn’t think she should have to win a race to get a rose.
Other twin’s boobs are keeping her from swimming.
NO HOLDING HANDS!
LINCEE IS HYSTERICALLY LAUGHING!
Dani and Amber are running neck and neck!
ABC intern is pleased that he forgot to tell wardrobe to provide proper swimsuits for the triathlon.
ALONE TIME WITH AMBER
The couple hits the beach. Lieutenant Andy’s testosterone pulls the pair to a jungle gym by the water and insists on testing Amber’s strength. They hang from a bar. They hang from gymnast rings. She thinks he is hot. He says he heard she can cook. She says yes. He says he is good at doing dishes. And then says “kewl” three times in a row for no reason. He’s diggin’ Amber. GO HOUSTON!
Dine With Me on My Yacht
Steph gets her invitation in a big sea shell and talks about making out with the Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman. Everyone hates Steph. She stands in front of her mirror and tries on different dresses. She takes the hoochiest of them all and asks the girls opinion. Should she wear this to see Lieutenant Andy? She decides on something a little more appropriate for a yacht and bids the girls adieu saying that she is 95% sure she’ll be back with her rose.
She gets to the yacht. He says she looks amazing. They drink champagne and then someone hands Andy a note. It’s from the producers.
Looking fabulous kid. Fabulous.
Hey, we were wondering if you could re-enact that scene from Titanic where Leo and Kate are at the front of the boat pretending that they are flying? That would be great. We are trying to secure the rights from Paramount to show the blockbuster during sweeps in May. I’m sure they would LOVE this plug.
Oh…and please try to get in the hot tub later. We also feel the audience is ready for a real kiss, so if you could make that happen too…
Somewhere along the way, Play By the Vindictive Rules Stephanie decides to let her guard down and ask Lieutenant Andy what his idea wedding would be like.
What in the world?
He says that he wants it to be in Hawaii and for Elvis to be playing “Rock-A-Hula” in the background. (You would love that Mom!)
Feeling the pressure of losing him with that horrendous question, she decides to turn things back to basics. Hot tub time.
She arrives all wrapped up in her pashmina. She dramatically lets it fall to the floor, showing off her abs. And she’s got them!
Andy invites her to join him in the hot tub…warning her…that the water is HOT.
Insert Jim Halpert face here.
He gives her a rose.
She kisses him.
Cut to Steph in the limo.
“I got the first impression rose. I got the first date. I got the first kiss. He’s AWESOME…I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE HIM AGAIN. HE’S INCREDIBLE.”
She returns to the mansion, finding three girls on the stairs and seven in the living room, waiting for her return. She tells them ALL about it. She lies and says she got a peck on the cheek. Some of the girls think she is not telling the truth. How do we know what these girls think? Because Steph is listening at the door. Which is what crazy people do.
I’m just saying…
BEFORE THE ROSE CEREMONY
Lieutenant Andy has to narrow the field down from fifteen to twelve. (Please tell me you watched the end of the show to see four of our girls trying to do math on this delicate topic. Absolutely CLASSIC!)
Tina thinks she is going home because she is too ambitious. She wants to know how Andy feels. He says that she is stunning. Her octave goes up twelve notches and thanks him in a baby voice. He thinks it is sexy to be confident.
Peyton defends her sorority. She wants him to know that they inspire and offer so much to our collegiate women. She wants to know what he is looking for in a woman. He thinks it is important to inspire.
His originality on that one was incredible.
Steph knows that Alexis is a virgin. She knows because she has been dumped by a virgin before. I don’t even know what to do with this statement.
The twins arrive holding hands…again…in red dresses. They sit on the couch, sharing a Cosmopolitan with two straws. Lieutenant Andy asks to sit between them. After much consideration that took WAY TOO LONG to decide, they allow him to separate the union. They talk about how proud they are of their accomplishments at the competition and that they have found their soul mate. Unfortunately for Lieutenant Andy, they are talking about each other.
Amber takes him away. He can’t wait to see her. She takes him upstairs to show the bedroom of all the packed suitcases. Our Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman gets a little choked up at this site. This is REAL people. Someone is going to get hurt!
“I’m a healer. The thought of instilling pain doesn’t go well with my heart and mind.”
Tessa tells him she is training for triathlon and if this doesn’t work out, she’ll see him later. Then asks if he wants a foot massage. He says she has tiny toes and comments on his own feet…which were bare. I nearly sicked out. Dude needed to keep his socks on!
To make matters worse, Gymnast Stephanie comes in with a round of shots. And then make a toast… “To relaxed feet!”
What am I watching?
Andy moves on to Danielle. We haven’t heard much from her. She’s been having swimmer’s ear since the pool competition. He gives it a kiss and she feels all better. She tells him she is a graphic designer and all she needs is her computer to do her work. She could move ANYWHERE.
Bevin needs to push the ladies back in.
Nicole missed her moment to kiss Andy while dancing.
Tessa has a nervous breakdown.
We leave for commercial break. Our host Chris Harrison asks the audience, “Who will lose their Office and Gentleman forever? Find out after the break.”
I’m pretty sure a little part of me died on the inside when he said that. Vomit.
Lieutenant Andy thanks the girls for taking this risk with him. If they don’t get a rose, it’s because there was no connection. He throws them a bone and says that someone is out there for each one.
Roses are given to:
Bev…she doesn’t look 28…I’m just saying
Kate…Shut up! No you shut up. Really
Cut to the twins…
“I think we are both going home…” YES
And then he calls Hef’s wife Erin. DOH
Next week, we see mud baths, fast driving cars, boot camp and a medical emergency with an ambulance and everything. Sweet!
All about the shame, not the fame,