Just kidding! You only win $125,000!
I’m always a little sad when the current Bachelor franchise season finale rolls around. We’ve been on this journey together for a long time. You all know that you are amazing and I really think we have a connection. I’m starting to FEEL something. Would you accept this rose? Or send me a picture of a cute boy with a Dr Pepper?
Let me just take this time to tell you guys how much you all rock. I have the best readers on the Internet. I am overwhelmed by the response since posting my exciting news on Friday about the giveaway. Please continue to pimp out your kids, neighbors, husbands, boyfriends, guy friends and complete strangers, because 12 lucky readers are going home with a year’s supply of Dr Pepper!
As a reminder, the new website will launch at the end of this month. I’m going to do my best to write more often about the things I love: movies, music, TV, Dr Pepper, the Bachelor and funny things that happen to me on the way to Super Target or Chick-Fil-A. I’m also going to take more photos and even attempt to introduce video segments.
Try and refrain from making fun of my East Texas accent.
Thanks for hanging in there with me through Jake, Ali and the Bachelor Pad. I appreciate your hilarious comments, sweet emails, Twitter mentions and constant poking on Facebook. Keep ‘em coming!
Enough of my blabbering. Let’s get to the recap!
It’s post-mortem time, and before Peyton and Jesse’s rejection limos are a quarter of the way down the glistening driveway, the “super duper six” high five each other for making it this far. They schlep back into the mansion two-by-two-by two (well…two-by-two-by-three if you count the baby goat Tenley is carrying) and salute each other in a champagne toast for being so awesome.
Kovacs: “We trimmed some major fat to get here.”
Elizabeth: “Are you saying I’m fat?”
Tenley: “So many lucky things had to happen to get us here. I’m so glad I saved those magic beans that guy Jack gave me.”
Kip: “Yes. There were some fortunate breaks.”
Dave: “Whatever. It was strategic planning.”
Natalie: “We rule.”
The next morning, Our Host Chris Harrison calls for the remaining contestants to join him in the den. He’s wearing a blue shirt that has been custom dyed to match the color of his eyes. And white pants.
The rules of “no wearing white after Labor Day” do no apply to Harrison.
OHCH: “Today’s competition is easily the most important you have ever faced. The couple that wins will guarantee a spot in the final four. This is going to test you physically and your chemistry as a couple. You will be ballroom dancing.”
Tenley leaps up in a spontaneous combustion of joy and executes a beautiful pirouette. The woodland creatures bow before her beauty. Kiptyn turns green. Tenley feeds him a spoonful of sugar.
Natalie encourages her partner by reminding him that football players dance all the time. Dave doesn’t look convinced.
Elizabeth is super stoked about the spray tan possibilities. Kovacs looks bored.
OHCH: “Each couple will train with a professional choreographer and then perform in front of panel of three judges. It’s time to put your game faces on.”
Harrison checks his phone before leaving the mansion to find several missed calls from one Jake Pavelka. Relieved that he made a quick stop at the liquor store to replenish the contents of his boot flask, he asks his chauffeur to drive him around the back roads until it’s time to make his appearance at the dance-off. Then he throws his iPhone out the window. He has a new one delivered in 30 minutes.
Each dude cuts the sleeves off of an old t-shirt and heads out to the waiting limos. Tenley and Kip use this time to review the history of dance, beginning with the Charleston and ending with cranking back Soulja Boy style. David and Natalie get drunk off of a mixture of either each other’s awesomeness or bourbon. And before the wine maker can close the limo door, Elizabeth once again succumbs to her serious case of the Kovacs, unhinges her jaw and swallows him whole for a little backseat nookie. Just as things are about to heat up, she pulls away to remind Kovacs that if their trainer is a woman, he must remain focused on HER and not the teacher.
Enter Edyta Sliwinska.
Mike Fleiss is brilliant.
Kovacs can barely keep it together. The camera man can barely keep it together. Between Kovacs constantly telling us that Edyta is hot with an incredible body and the camera guy zooming in on her shirt dress that conveniently accentuates her butt and long, lean legs, we were all ready to rumba with the Dancing with the Stars pro.
Well. Everyone except Elizabeth, who immediately began her escalating downward spiral into the pit of despair.
Edyta caresses Kovacs with seduction and passion. Her Polish accent is thick and hard to understand. But somehow, Kovacs pushes through and makes it work.
Edyta: “Pull my leg up to your shoulder. No eet does not hurt. I’m flexible. Now wrap eet around your waist. Lean down. Pull me close to you so we are touching. Be sexy with eet. Now look eet me like you want to seduce me. Good.”
Elizabeth’s head nearly explodes.
Elizabeth: “Edyta is extremely sexy. I see Kovacs with her and I’m getting a little jealous. Her hands are all over my man.”
Elizabeth Translation: “DIE, YOU LEG WARMER WEARING B*TCH. DIE!”
Edyta continues to contort herself around the surface area of Kovacs’ nether regions as Elizabeth helplessly looks on, attempting to mirror the pro’s actions. With every hip gyration and yearning eye gaze, she’s one step closer to complete and total meltdown.
In an adjacent practice room, Tenley screams with the fervor of a new born child at the discovery that DWTS pro Chelsie Hightower has been given the daunting task of teaching Kip how to do the foxtrot. Tenley offers to show Chelsie the dance that’s in her heart, but there is not enough time for such shenanigans. Hightower has a lot of work ahead of her and she needs to get started immediately. She gives a silent praise of thanks that Kip has yet to ask her if she feels the need for speed, nor has he suggested he perform the entire number in his underwear. It’s time to promenade people.
Tenley excels. Kiptyn slowly begins to unravel. Chelsie understands the power of a pretty face and tells him to never let the judges know he messed up. She then calls the wardrobe department and requests Kiptyn dance shirtless. The abs would surely be enough to distract everyone from the fact that he’s clueless.
Teaching the cha-cha-cha is Louie Van Amstel. Cocking an approving eyebrow at Crazy Dave, he happily takes the female roll while Natalie tries to keep up dancing with an imaginary partner. Dave shakes his hips at Louie. He gives him a rather fetching come hither glance. He hoists him up from under the armpits and spins around until both become sick with dizziness. They end in a dramatic dip.
Crazy Dave: “I’m not afraid to get in touch with my feminine side. I’ll do anything to get to the money. Even if it means twirling around a gay. I’m not above that. But I will cut a guy for not taking a shot. I’m talking to YOU Juan.”
Louie decides that it’s time for Natalie and Dave to actually dance with each other. After several minutes of just not getting it, he decides to speak their language:
Louie: “Have you had the sex in the house?”
Dave stares at the tiny little guy and stifles a snicker before asking if he can spin him around again.
Louie: “Can you dance as if you’ve had sex in the house? Can you be more aggressive? Make this like doggy style. And try to stick your nipples in his mouth.”
Just as I’m thinking, “Easy there Mr. Van Am. This isn’t Girls Next Door…” Natalie throws her boobs in the air and Crazy Dave grabs them like he’s done a million times. Louie rejoices. Natalie beams. Dave insists they do it again five more times until perfection is obtained.
That night, Kip and Tenley sashay around in different parts of the mansion as the wardrobe people wheel in sequined, feathery outfits. We think Elizabeth is awkwardly swatting a fly and later learn she is practicing. She is unaware of the fact that Kovacs has just Googled Edyta’s name for inspiration. Natalie and Dave are running through their number again.
Natalie: “No Dave. It’s one, hump two, three, thrust four.”
Dave: “I’m telling you. It’s one, doggy two, three, thrust four in quick syncopation. I’m not going to tell you again Natalie. Now mount me and let’s start from the beginning. AGAIN.”
Dancing with the Plastics
The shimmering driveway has been transformed into a disco dance floor. Harrison doesn’t even try to hide his laugh as Dave walks out onto the scene with a leotard boasting a plunging neckline that in no way gives Maksim Chmerkovskiy a run for his money.
The rules are explained.
OHCH: “Couples will be voted on performance, chemistry and effort…talent has nothing to do with this, so you’re in luck Kiptyn and Elizabeth! The couple with the highest score will get to choose another couple to join them in the finals.”
Harrison introduces the judges. ABC executives go above and beyond to find three people who not only understand the inner-workings of The Bachelor phenomenon, but have also been privy to the wonder that is Dancing with the Stars.
I call it the perfect storm.
Melissa Rycroft is the first to emerge from behind the bushes. Harrison is contractually obligated to tell us that she placed third in the hit ABC show, mere moments after being dumped on national television by Melba Toast Jason.
Next up is Jake Pavelka. He scours at Harrison for not returning his phone calls and then plasters on his douchiest smile. He waves at no one in particular and gives a solid head nod to Tenley, who whispers, “Oh crap!” under her breath. The woodland creatures gasp when Tenley uses the naughty word and somewhere, a fairy dropped dead. Through wide eyes that needed serious false eyelashes and a fake smile that needed bold red lipstick, she is quick to remind us that this is super awkward because Jake was her last technical boyfriend.
Jake is quick to confirm it was just railing.
Like a breath of fresh air, Trista (of Trista & Ryan fame) sweeps into the final chair. ABC’s proclaimed America’s Sweetheart is ready to get down to business.
Kip-Ten are up first. She is lovely in a beautiful ball gown. He’s debonair in a classic tuxedo. Picture this:
He kisses her on the neck and the music begins. From the waist up, we are transported back to a time when gentlemen held their ladies in a strong hold with a respectable distance between their dance spaces. From the neck down, it was a hot mess.
Through gritted teeth, Tenley pleads for Kiptyn to look at her and smile. The judges are overwhelmed by their pretty faces and general sense of bubbling giddiness and grant them a score of 26 out of 30 even though they fell from their ending position in a heap of rainbows and sparkles. Woodland creatures around the land rejoiced.
Harrison invites Elizabeth and Kovacs, who is wearing a poor man’s version of Crazy Dave’s v-neck leotard, to the stage. Elizabeth concentrates on counting to eight and looking seductive, but then gets distracted by her own tan leg. Kovacs concentrates on picturing Edyta in his head and looking sultry, but then gets distracted by Elizabeth’s wonky boob job as she flails about dry humping him.
Too bad ABC was too cheap to purchase the rights from one of the many R&B soulful songs that have come out in the last decade, because I heard that exact same MUSAC featured in this rumba just the other day in an elevator and it did not give me the desire to grind. It did make me call my dentist and schedule a teeth cleaning.
And what makes it worse is that Team Kovacs forgot their choreography about 17 seconds into the number. Remember when Baby was too chicken to do the lift and she did that weird thumb dance in front of Johnny at the Sheldrake Hotel? It was like that times 50. I think Natalie put it best when she compared the fiasco to Bambi walking on ice.
So uncomfortable. So distracting. But like the car crash, you just can’t look away.
Harrison is doubled over in laughter at this point and his co-host/celebrity judge has to take over the duties of asking her fellow panelists to reveal their scores. Elizavacs is out of the competition with a grand total of 24.
Dave and Natalie are last at bat. They were a bit stiff, but definitely had their choreography down. It was distracting to see Dave count under his breath, as well as Natalie unintentionally making an “oh” face, but what are you going to do when you are simulating something that should be kept behind closed doors for a panel of judges and your fellow contestants? With a few eight counts to spare, they both have a mental breakdown and forget the dance. Dave is ready to choke Natalie with his rhinestone belt. Kovacs tweaks Dave’s nipple before the scores reveal that the power couple only scored a 25.
Kip-Ten are in the finals and celebrate by literally skipping to their favorite cabana while baby talking each other. Kip kills the running man and NKOTB “Right Stuff” foot shuffle while taking no shame in biting his own bottom lip. Tenley giggles, puts down the three-legged otter and embraces her Prince in a passionate kiss. She rushes off to find a tower so she can let her hair down. Kip climbs up and they share a romantic bubble bath in their bathing suits. We still don’t see Kip’s abs.
Elizabeth licks her wounds and then gags from the spray tan chemicals. Kovacs daydreams about Edyta putting her leg around his head. David chugs a protein drink while counting off the push-ups he’s making Natalie do before bedtime.
The next day, Kovacs corners Kiptyn to try and persuade him to keep him and Elizabeth around because they are terrible competitors. Natalie bakes some blueberry muffins and offers them and a basket of newborn kittens to Tenley in hopes that she will keep her and Dave around.
Harrison arrives in a black vest and gray suit. The weight of this decision is not to be taken lightly, and his choice of attire proves it. He commands that the three couples join him on the glistening driveway and everyone follows.
Kovacs, wearing a poor man’s version of Harrison’s vest, drags Elizabeth along. Dave and Natalie chest bump and jog outside. Kip-Ten joins Harrison at the rose podium. Tenley begins to cry as Kip extends the invitation to Dave and Natalie.
Kovacs and Elizabeth are sent packing in separate limos. She tries to kiss him one last time, but he ignores her and asks his driver to take him to DWTS studio three. Elizabeth admits that she knows Kovacs loves her and that’s more important than a quarter of a million dollars.
“Live” Studio Audience
We open the show with Melissa Rycroft-Strickland and Our Host Chris Harrison waving to the audience in the round and the 15 loser contestants. Melissa is wearing the shortest maternity dress known to man with one fierce shoulder pad that often threatens to come in the vicinity of Chris Harrison’s face. He quickly makes her change sides, requesting she stands on his right instead of left.
The non-winners are welcomed back. Most notable, Gia and Wes receive the loudest applause. Elizabeth looks 100 percent better with her original brunette locks.
Our Host decides to stir the pot right away.
OHCH: “Kovacs? Elizabeth? How are you guys doing? Are you still together?”
In a matter of moments, Elizabeth is shouting, “Nope!” as Melissa responds, “That was fast” while I searched for the remote to rewind the entire exchange because I missed it.
Elizabeth: “If any girls are single and want to date a player, here you go!”
Mel: “What happened?”
Kovacs: “I was always truthful with Elizabeth.”
Elizabeth: “Whatever. You said I had wonky boobs and a screw loose.”
Kovacs: “Your point?”
OHCH: “There was a relationship, right?”
Kovacs: “We gave it a shot for a quick minute.”
Elizabeth: “He wanted to have a casual relationship. I don’t do that.”
Irritated that Elizabeth isn’t acting shallow enough, Harrison moves on to Gia, questioning why she didn’t take advantage of a divided house when she could have ousted the Plastics, but instead gave a rose to Wes Hayden.
OHCH: “You had control Gia. Yet time after time, you fell on your own sword.”
Gia: “Why would I give an f-ing rose to Craig when I could give one to a Mawdern-Day Shakes-speah?”
OHCH: “So you’re saying there was chemistry with Wes?”
Gia: “There still is…”
OH: “Do you have a boyfriend?”
Gia: “F- no.”
Wes Hayden perks up at his opportunity to woo the young guidette.
Wes: “Look Chris. I was in it for the money. I wanted to get in and out like a robbery and then she walks in. I just really started to like her. Who couldn’t? They think I’m a bad guy. Bad boys need love too.”
The audience goes wild. I shake my head and smile at the mysterious ways of He Who Used To Not Be Named.
OHCH: “So where do you guys go from here?”
The audience begins to chant, “KISS HER!” Harrison glances at Melissa Rycroft-Strickland with a knowing look as if to say, “This is how you earn a 250K per episode paycheck. Watch and learn newbie. Watch and learn.”
Wes Hayden drops a few more compliments as Gia melts into a puddle at his feet. They end up kissing and then Gia asks for a fantasy suite. Harrison gives them permission to forgo the studio after the taping is concluded. They settle for holding hands and giving goo-goo eyes at each other.
OHCH: “From a self-proclaimed hated man in America, to modern day Shakespeare, to loving Gia, I have to say CONGRATULATIONS!”
You know Harrison bought this guy a beer at the after party.
Kip-Ten, Dave and Natalie enter the Thunderdome looking well rested and tan. Tenley admits that Kiptyn is her boyfriend. Natalie admits she and Dave are still the best of friends. With long distance benefits.
Harrison opens up the floor to questions from the peanut gallery.
That Girl You Can’t Remember was aggravated that Dave was kissing Girl Jessie the day before he hooked up with Natalie in Vegas. Dave defends the moment by reminding them he and Natalie had never hooked up until Vegas.
Crazy Dave = 1
Haters = 0
Krisily or Krissy Lee beats a dead horse and attacks Dave for lying to her that night. Dave again defends himself by saying that he knew minutes before the vote that Kiptyn changed his mind.
Crazy Dave = 2
Haters = 0
Peyton called Kiptyn out for lying to her that he wasn’t dating Tenley. Before he could give an honest answer, Gia swooped in and brought up the fact that he didn’t keep Nikki around when she saved him weeks before. Wes Hayden said something funny and we never got to hear Kiptyn’s answer to question.
Kiptyn = 1
Haters = 0
Melissa: “Michelle. Last we saw you, you were sticking pins in a doll that looked a lot like dear sweet Tenley. Will the confrontation between the two of you affect your decision tonight?”
Crazy Michelle: “Oh yeah. I want to see her cry. I want her heart to break. See these leather boots? I skinned your pet calf and ate the meat. Since you spread the rumor about me, I lost respect for you and I still don’t care for you.”
Tenley = 0
Crazies = 1
OHCH: “Dave. You and Wes were good friends. What happened?”
Dave: “He said some things to me and Kovacs that was hurtful and I don’t expect my friends to say that.”
Wes: “Hey. Don’t worry brother. You’ve got a serious case of the Kovacs and that’s fine. I’ve got a million dollars right here.”
Bless Gia’s heart. She was distracted by something shiny and wonders what the audience is “aaawwwing” about. When she realizes it’s her, she leans in for a kiss.
For the next 10 minutes, each couple gets to plead their case of why they deserve the money. Natalie reminisces about booze, hot pink tutus and her affection for running around topless. She vows to pay off her cosmetology school debt, start a charity for prostate cancer and party hard. Dave reminds the voters that he played an honest and fair game. If he wins, he’s taking Kovacs on the Reid & Friends Alaskan cruise in January.
Out of the blue, Gwen ??? interrupts Dave’s soliloquy and tells everyone the story about how Dave hurt her feelings when he said that anyone in their 30s should not be on the show.
Dave: “All I meant was, if you are in your upper 30s, being on a dating show is getting a little out there. It’s not something that I would like to be doing.”
Gwen ???: “I came here for the money. This isn’t a dating show.”
Dave = -1
30-somethings = 1
Kip-Ten shares next. Both of them somewhat ask for leniency due to the fact that they were so far out of their comfort zones. It was an uncomfortable environment for sensitive and emotional people. Tenley lets us know that she was once divorced and her husband took away her cottage in the woods. Kiptyn promises to give $50,000 to his rich Daddy’s favorite charity. The rest will go into a trust fund for his and Tenley’s kiddos.
Melissa Rycroft-Strickland instructs each losing contestant to write the name of the couple that would like to see as the final two. Our Host reminds us that the couple to reach eight votes first will move one step closer to the paltry 250K.
Even though Jessie got dumped in a hot tub and Krisily Krissy Lee was sent home after being told she was safe, both voted for Dave and Natalie. As well as Peyton, Jesse, That Girl You Can’t Remember, Crazy Michelle, Nikki’s boobs and Wes Hayden.
Dave and Kovacs embrace in a man hug.
Harrison commands they return to their seats and calm down. He explains that Dave and Natalie will be escorted off the stage into a deliberation room. They must choose to KEEP or SHARE the money.
This is where it gets interesting:
OHCH: “If you both pick SHARE, you get to split the money. If you pick KEEP and the other picks SHARE, the keeper gets the money. If both choose KEEP, then neither get the money and will be split among your former housemates.”
Weatherman and Juan embrace in a man hug.
A bald body guard and an accountant take Dave and Natalie away.
According to my friend Blake, this is a classic example of the Prisoner’s Dilemma. According to Wikipedia, he’s right.
The losers debate what they think Natalie and Dave will do. I was pleading to the TV for one of them to choose KEEP.
Once the pair are back in the hot seats, Dave reveals that he would like to share the money.
OHCH: “Natalie. Are you ready?”
Natalie: “Can I say something?”
OHCH: “No. Those aren’t the rules, but this isn’t technically a real game anyway. Let’s face it. Our contests were pie eating, Twister, spin the bottle and truth or dare. Why not? Go ahead. It’s not like we have an after party to go to or anything.”
Natalie: “Thanks Chris. I think that we all said from the beginning to get your friends as you can get your friends. Then do what you have to do. So I’m going to share it with ya!”
For half a second I thought the world would be right and Natalie would choose KEEP. Alas, she did not.
Dave leaps from the couch and randomly runs to Melissa Rycroft-Strickland for a hug and moves on to Our Host Chris Harrison for a kiss on the lips. Harrison shakes his head, wipes the crazy spit from his lips and takes a swig from his boot flask. Dave rushes off to hug Kovacs and then Wes Hayden gets in on the man-sandwich.
What an amazing ending to a dramatic season of the Bachelor Pad! Please feel free to come back often and see what’s new over at IHGB. You guys rock!
As always, I’m all about the shame, not the fame,