Lifetime Recap: Harry and Meghan: A Royal Romance
When an ad popped up a few weeks ago that Lifetime would be debuting a new original movie based on the lives of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, I bookmarked it to my catalog, wrote a reminder on my calendar, set the DVR, and called Mama to make sure she would be watching.
These are the same folks who brought you such treasured gems as “The Unauthorized Saved By the Bell Story” and a piece showcasing the pop star tartlet who, oops, did it again, “Britney Ever After.”
Will all the facts be entirely accurate? That depends on who you ask. Die hard fans who have been stalking the royal rebels for months now (I’m looking at you Melanie Shankle) will shudder at the liberties Lifetime chooses to take regarding the couple’s courtship. They will Tweet their disgust to all who listen, proving they know better than anyone else, the true timeline and intricate details of Harry and Meghan’s secret relationship.
People like me will report my findings the way Lifetime intended — as if they were facts.
For example, after Princess Diana died, Prince Charles took the boys to Africa so they could “get away from it all.” This is where Harry encountered a lioness who stood a mere foot away from the hollowed log with which he sat.
Did you know that the lioness was Diana reincarnated? Yes! It’s true! The majestic beast didn’t eat the young prince alive and when his Pa tried to shoot her, Harry stepped in and stopped him. And she walked away.
Because Diana the Lioness loves her son.
Is this the reason why Harry turned into a bit of a wild and crazy child? Because he felt like he had been given a second chance at life and he wanted to live it well by streaking and wearing Nazi symbols on his arm?
Of course it is.
It’s important to know that Meghan is a strong, independent woman who loves her career and doesn’t want to be bogged down by tradition. When her friend sets her up with the Prince, she reprimands Harry for arriving forty minutes late to their date. In Harry’s defense, he was outside giving his driver strict instructions on how many minutes to wait before coming in to retrieve him feigning, “There is an official royal emergency.”
The fake emergency? London Bridge is falling down.
How quaint! Sweet Meghan knows exactly what’s going on and laughs at Harry for giving himself an out. He shoos the driver away and they spend the rest of the night talking about how hard it is to be in the public spotlight.
Because being a former Deal or No Deal suitcase model and actress on a popular USA Network TV show is the same as being sixth in line for the British royal throne. Samesies!
Prince Harry is smitten with Meghan and he really wants to impress her to show how much he cares. So he whisks her away to Botswana for the weekend so they can have some alone time. As one does.
They arrive by helicopter, feed giraffes, frolic with the locals, and share their very first kiss on an African prairie just as the sun goes down. Thankfully the helicopter pilot was able to capture the moment so we know for sure that it happened exactly that way.
Under a starry sky, Meghan shares her hesitancies. She’s biracial, divorced, and American. How will this ever work? Harry complains about being a red-head. Again, samesies! These kids are MFEO. And the matching bracelet Harry gives Meghan is proof.
All this time, we assume that Kate and Wills are totally against this union, which makes me want to drop kick Kate all the way to Windsor Castle. As it turns out, she ends up being quite the advocate for the couple. She is quiet for the public and verbal inside the grounds. And William adores her.
Kate endears herself to me when she convinces Charles that she and William should host a party for her generation to meet Meghan. Her reasoning? Because Meghan needs to figure out if this is the life she wants to live.
I totally get that. I also think that Kate is secretly saying, “PROCEED WITH CAUTION!”
While Harry squeezes my heart by playing with little George and Charlotte, a random girl named Bella rakes Meghan over the coals by asking her horrific things like, “How did you get your hair so straight?” and “Has your show been cancelled yet?”
She tells Meghan that these are questions people will ask her and that Bella is just preparing her for what’s to come.
This is what the dictionary calls “passive aggressive.”
Harry travels to Toronto as much as possible, so he can visit Meghan on the set of Suits and dress her dogs up in Halloween costumes. Meghan, sad that she hasn’t seen her beau in forever due to her strenuous work schedule, confides in her hair dresser / makeup artist to supply Harry with a frog costume, complete with full mask, so he can go to a party with her that night.
Meghan will kiss Harry at the end of the night so the frog can turn back into the prince. Ah-dorable.
Some mean guys in medieval garb pick a fight with Harry when he refuses to take a selfie with them. Why has Harry taken off his protective frog mask you ask? Because he needs to take a sip of beer. Everyone calm down.
Sadly, one of the teeny bopper interns snaps a picture at that exact moment and since we all live our lives through screens now, the world knows within hours that Prince Harry is dating that girl who is marrying Mike Ross from that show on the TV station nestled somewhere between the Oxygen Network and TBS.
Overnight, Meghan’s entire family is bombarded by the paparazzi. She’s scared for her well-being because crazies are trying to peep in her windows and knock down her doors. This infuriates Harry enough to make a royal statement.
This never happens. Charles is not on board. But do you know who is? KATE!
William: “What do you think about his statement?”
Kate: “I think it’s the most romantic thing he could ever do.”
Not so fast, though. Meghan does not like this statement because it says that Harry is upset that he can’t protect her. When Harry arrives to her house, she lays into him, maddened by the fact that SHE DOES NOT NEED TO BE SAVED. She is not a damsel in distress, thankyouverymuch, and Harry needs to walk right out of her life this very minute because it’s just not going to work.
She gives Harry back her matching bracelet so he knows that she means business.
Harry leaves and Meghan’s mom intervenes. She tells Meghan that she is a big idiot who needs to rethink her decision to dump the man who offered to save her from the paparazzi. Do you know who Harry couldn’t save from the paparazzi? His mother.
Solid burn Meghan’s mom.
Meghan races to the private airport and begs the lady to let her onto the tarmac. Because this is a real story with real details and real laws, the lady does not let her, but she does radio to the pilot to let Harry know, “There is a woman who refuses to leave until she sees you. Also, she said to say London Bridge is falling down.”
Harry runs down the stairs as Meghan runs into his arms. They make out right there in front of everyone, which is how we know this actually happened. Probably.
The next thing we know, Pippa Middleton is getting married and Harry broods in the corner because Megs wasn’t invited since she’s half black, divorced, and an American floozy. Harry complains to Camilla, who totally understands what it’s like to be the forbidden outsider, and Charles leans into his son dramatically.
“Go get your girl. It think it’s time we meet her.”
Harry runs to Meghan’s hotel room. She’s in jeans and a t-shirt, but miraculously looks like a million bucks thirty minutes later, complete with tight red dress and immaculate hair. She charms Charles, gabs with Kate at the bar, and is the first to know that her future sister-in-law is preggers with her third baby.
Of course Meghan was the first to know! Cheers!
The next few days, Meghan starts asking a lot of questions like, “Where will we live if we do this thing?” Harry isn’t having it and leaves the conversation blaming “royal events.” Meghan smells a rat and runs to Kate and Wills to see what it is that she did? Did she push her ginger too far?
William thinks Harry is upset because the twenty year anniversary of their mother’s death is in the next few days. Meghan wants to know what she can do? William gives her a suggestion.
And here we are again in Botswana. Meghan arranges for the tribe’s finest yurt to be erected for their pleasure. She pushes Harry to talk about his feelings and Harry flips out. He runs away into the night and guess what he finds?
The lioness! She’s back! And she meets Meghan right there by the yurt. Such sweet fun.
This experience secures that Harry has received Diana the Lioness’ blessing. He proposes to Meghan right there in the yurt before they do other deeds. She says yes. Harry also agrees to live in Toronto with Meghan so she doesn’t have to quit her job because he can be a prince of Britain anywhere. Duh.
Meghan is feeling some major work blues (and probably a little bit of guilt) and is super excited to meet a tiny little fan. The girl asks for Meghan’s autograph and she laughs, thinking it’s so weird that this young girl watches Suits.
Uh, no Meghan. The girl wants your autograph because you are living every common person’s dream. You are marrying royalty and your voice will be heard around the world. So many little girls are looking to you for guidance. What will you say?
“I quit!” That’s what she says!
She rushes home to Harry, who is washing the dogs because he’s perfect, and she tells him that she is in this one hundred percent. She will do the royal thing and she will go all in. There’s only one thing left to do.
The Queen doesn’t like The Crown and she thinks it’s highly tacky that there is a show out there about her life. Can’t they wait until she’s dead? She is happy to learn that Meghan isn’t an actress on that program. She’s also delighted that her corgis love Harry’s sweetheart.
Before she gives her blessing, she shows Meghan a picture of one of their descendants with African-American roots. The Queen claims to be biracial, too.
Harry and Meghan celebrate the blessing by roasting chicken. When Meghan turns around, Harry is on one knee, presenting her with an engagement ring. Two diamonds from his mother’s favorite broach and one huge diamond from Botswana — the land of Diana the Lioness.
Tune in this weekend for the rest of the story…