Never in the history of the Bachelor have I hidden behind my couch cushion more than I did last night. I’d peek out every few seconds and the Bachelors would be laughing and pointing. Then I’d have to rewind to see what they were laughing and pointing at. I giggled. I shrieked. I got red in the face. I sighed. It was a smorgasbord of emotions. I hated it. And I loved it of course.
Now go dig out your Bare Naked Ladies CD from 12 years ago and let’s “rock out” during the recap.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone on your Twitter account happens to personally know, sort of know, friends with the nephew/former classmate of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying New Moon on DVD or have a Jazzercize instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelors on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
There’s our host. Oh how we love Harrison. He’s looking debonair. We continue to beg the decision makers at ABC to give this man more air time! But alas. He’s only there to smoothly convey the same message he delivers every single week:
“Guys, dorks and Robert-o…listen up. As usual, there will be one group date and two individual dates. If you are chosen for an individual date, you need to pack your bags—or in your case Jesse, your plastic Wal-Mart sacks—and be prepared to hit the road. Don’t expect any limo. We use an old musty taxi. Because that’s how losers roll. And if you don’t want to be a loser, you need to do whatever you can to take full advantage of the time you have with Ali. In case any of you at home missed that foreshadowing, I’m going to say it again. Do whatever you have to do so Ali will know your name. Dude who looks like Trista’s husband Ryan? I’m talking to you. Here’s your first date card. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the security guard station giving them full permission to let any man out of the gates who may have a desire to take a walk down the road. Peace.”
Craig the Informer jumps at the chance to read the card. He has a plunging v-neck t-shirt that I’m pretty sure was made for a woman. He tells the group that Robert-o has been chosen. John C. is bummed that he didn’t get the first one-on-one because he has no idea if Ali knows his name.
Again with the foreshadowing.
First One-On-One Date
Love is a balancing act
Ali: “I totally gave Robert-o the first impression rose and have hardly seen him. Sure I giggle like a school girl when he is near, but who wouldn’t? Have you seen him salsa? Have you seen him throw a knuckle ball? Have you seen his smile? The worst thing that could happen is that I built him up to be this great guy and then he’s not. Or maybe the worst thing is that they are making me wear this Flashdance off-the-shoulder shirt thingy. What am I? A welder? No. I am a career woman. A jobless career woman. And don’t forget I’m super afraid of flying. Hey look! A helicopter!”
I’m confused. Surely Ali is playing the part of Girl Afraid to Fly because why else would ABC put her in so many scenarios in which an aircraft is involved? I’m thinking Southern Ty has the right idea when he said that she has to hold on to somebody up there and you know it’s not the pilot. ABC is milking that ABC chopper for all it’s worth. Whether it’s used for travel purposes or aerial shots of guys crutching up and down hilly terrain, the helicopter will be utilized.
Ali: “Robert-o kept me so safe up in that death trap. Now I know why he gave me a rose. He didn’t even think it was weird when I backed up into him to lean against his chest. He just pushed the headphone wires and oxygen masks aside, unbuckled his seat belt and I nuzzled in. I think this is love.”
The helicopter lands on the roof of an LA skyscraper. Ali is quick to tell Robert-o that they will be having dinner on the roof of the adjacent LA skyscraper and the only way to get across is a tight rope baby! Woo hoo!
Back at the man mansion, Southern Ty is flipping burgers, Steve is holding a football to look more masculine, the Weatherboy is drinking beer from the bottle as if he’s never had beer from a bottle and PG-Rated Justin is complaining to anyone who will listen that he isn’t getting any game with Ali because of his cast.
Meanwhile, Ali and Robert-o are 20 stories above the ground. In a way that is nothing like Jake and Vienna’s bungee jump love affair, Ali and Robert-o both give beautiful regurgitated soliloquies to the camera about how being in stressful situations with another person makes you know who they REALLY are. As Ali giggles her way across the tight rope, Robert-o decides to do something that has never been done before. He’s going to turn and kiss Ali at the half way point. Because what is more romantic than making out with a big huge helmet cam on your head while standing on a wire the size of a centimeter during a moment of complete trust with the only other human being in the world who knows how you feel at that exact moment?
Ali: “My first kiss with Robert-o was unlike any I’ve ever had. It’s unlike anything this show has ever seen!”
ABC Intern: “Excuse me, Ali? We may have to edit this part because we pretty much told this story last year with Jake and Vienna. Remember how they had their first kiss hanging upside down? That’s waaaay cooler than…
Ali: “QUIET INTERN. I need you to go fetch me 20 colorful pillows and decorative blankets from Pier One. Go!”
The pair miraculously make it across the dangerous path and celebrate with Ali woo hoo-ing when Robert-o skillfully pops a champagne cork. Ali tells us that Robert-o is someone she can experience her life with. Robert-o wants to watch sunsets for the rest of his life with her.
After a quick costume change for dinner, we learn that English is not Robert-o’s first language. This seems to be perfectly normal information to everyone except for Ali. She nearly chokes on her champagne when Robert-o also reveals he speaks Italian and French.
Ali is ready to take this to the next level—cuddling.
“I don’t like being so stiff at the dinner table. I arranged for some decorative pillows and blankets to be displayed in a puddle on the concrete where the helicopter lands. I can tell if I want to be with someone when I cuddle with them. And press my back against their stomach. You can learn a lot from a cuddle.”
Robert-o plays along, shove 19 of the 20 pillows in a pile and lowers himself to the concrete. Ali fondles his LIVE STRONG bracelet, intertwines her fingers with his and tells him about her cuddle theory. When Robert-o doesn’t roll his eyes, she goes in for the kill with this gem:
“Dame un beso.”
Had she not prefaced the “kiss me” statement with the fact that she learned the Spanish phrase from a rap song, Robert-o might have thought Ali was in or near the same league of smooth as he resides.
Ali issues forth a drunken giggle, pulls at her hair extensions and grabs the date rose.
Ali: “Hola Robert-o. I just want you to know that I wasn’t scared when I was walking the tight ropa because I was on it con tu. Will you accepto this rosetta? Por favor?”
Robert-o: “Gracias loca.”
Come “Rock” My World
The Guy You Don’t Know Who Looks Like Trista’s Ryan
Cap Cod Chris
Craig the Informer
John reads off the names of all the guys invited to rock Ali’s world. Kasey is irritated because he’s pretty sure the date will more than likely involve karaoke. And he would have loved to sing her a song from his heart. Fortunately, previews from next week’s episode show us how that turns out.
Hey Kasey. I know this girl who likes to dance what’s in her heart. Perhaps the two of you would be perfect for each other!
The most exciting part of the beginning of this date was an actual appearance by Cape Cod’s periodic chart tee. I was more excited about that awesome shirt than Kirk was upon learning he would be making a music video for his favorite junior high school band in the middle of a pretty sketchy looking area of LA. He can’t help but start a spontaneous dance party with Ali woo hoo-ing and the rest of the guys sort of bouncing to the beat.
Craig the Informer informs us that all of his friends back home are going to be so jealous that he’s in a Bare Naked Ladies video.
Ali: “So, um, [giggle] okay, it’s like we are going to be in this music video with a new song by the Bare Naked Ladies called ‘You Run Away.’ It’s a song about how there’s this girl and she doesn’t know who to pick to be in her life! Do you get it?”
In case we didn’t get it, Craig the Informer explains further:
“It’s about love escaping us. We can all relate. You see, there are 14 guys here and she has to choose one…ONE of us to be with her. Do you see how that can relate to what we are all feeling?”
The Bare Nakeds start playing the song and Ali begins dancing again. Kirk whips her around in fun twirls. Frank appears to have stomach issues. Craig the Informer takes copious notes. Jesse is bored. And Weatherboy starts body surfing the crowd and is dropped.
After the Bare Naked dance party ends, the boys are instructed to grab their scripts and head to hair and makeup. Immediately, the guys begin comparing scenes.
Weatherboy has a kissing scene. Ironically, he’s more nervous than when he had to wear a Speedo.
Jesse: “Dude. You have to make it memorable. It’s your first kiss!”
Weatherboy: “Don’t say that man! I’m anxious enough as it is.”
Cape Cod Chris: “Just pretend you are in the middle of a forecast and have to make out with the traffic girl. That happens all the time at your TV studio, right?”
Craig the Informer checks his notes from last week and recalls that Frank landed the first one-on-one date. And Frank just happens to have the first scene of the day too. Something is amuck. He flags the page with a mini Post-It and steps out to watch Frank get slapped by Ali nine times.
Frank: “I’m a little sad that I don’t get to kiss Ali. But the way I was oiling her up and how she looked at me has nothing to do with acting. I’m a screen writer. I know these things. She and I have something no one else here has. And it’s more than a red mark on my cheek. It’s special.”
John C. is super excited that he gets to be in a bath with Ali! What better way to show someone you care than to relax in a garden tub with a bottle of Mr. Bubble? The director yells action and John C. struts into the bathroom and heads straight into the tub. Ali pretends to be irritated and gets out.
Annnnd CUT! That’s a wrap John C.
The look on his face was priceless. Just one take and they didn’t even speak.
Next up is the Weatherboy. He’s wearing an army green Members Only jacket because he is ready to make an impact.
Weatherboy: “I’m used to stage kisses, so this isn’t going to be any problem. And having one’s first kiss in front of 50 strangers and a handful of better men vying for the same woman is not intimidating at all. Does anyone have a Rolaid I can borrow? Intern? Anyone?”
Ali walks in playing the part of sexy librarian. As the men are cat calling, the Weatherboy pulls her aside and stage whispers, “If you don’t feel comfortable kissing in front of these people, don’t worry about it.”
This is when we started calling him Weatherboy.
Ali: “He was physically shaking. You know? I don’t know if I want to kiss Weatherboy.”
Kirk: “I’m calling it. I bet you he kisses her on the neck.”
The director called action, Weatherboy stomps into the library, spots Ali, spins her around and kisses her on the earring. Ali is confused, so she awkwardly kisses him around the corner of the mouth.
The on-site Bachelors have never been more entertained in their entire lives.
The director asks for more emotion from the Weatherboy.
Weatherboy skips into the library, spots Ali, spins her around and utters some sort of animal sound that can only be described as something that would come from the mouth of a baby dinosaur. It was straight up Jurassic.
Of course this scares Ali and the director yells cut before he can get a chance to hiss her eye socket.
Time for regrouping. Ali goes off to powder her nose. She notices the other Bachelors laughing hysterically. Jesse has already mastered the dinosaur sound. Ali is dying to join them, but she feels bad because Weatherboy has started to cry.
I’m not making this up.
Like a good librarian, she gives him a solid pep talk and a hug for luck. When the director calls action for the last time, Ali goes for broke and schools the Weatherboy in front of the other guys. Weatherboy keeps his eyes closed so he can remember the moment, because that kiss HAD to be real.
Cape Cod Chris: “It was a day of firsts for the Weaterboy. His first kiss with Ali. His first kiss in a music video. His first kiss maybe ever…”
Followed by an adorable grin to the camera.
We see some quick shots of PG-13 cooking with Ali in a kitchen. Jesse kisses her by a beach. Trista’s Ryan hops in bed with Ali and begins rubbing her shoulders. And Cape Cod Chris is minding his own business shaving with his shirt off when Ali comes up behind him and kisses his back. Woo hoo!
And then there’s Kirk. Kirk has a new motto. And that motto is GAME ON! This beefcake quite literally rolls around in a bed with Ali making out in front of everyone with reckless abandon. He came to play!
There is so much grinding and rolling and tongue that the other dudes have to leave the scene because it’s so intimate. Frank sulks in the corner. Jesse gives an across the room high five to Kirk. And Weatherboy leaves but secretly returns to get some pointers for when he reaches second base in a few years.
The director yells CUT and they keep making out. He yells it again and Frank begins crying.
Ali takes the group to a wrap party where they hang out and drink. She immediately takes Cape Cod Chris away for some alone time. She asks specifically about the tattoo that sprawls from his heart around to his side. We learn that it’s his Mom’s signature. Cape Cod respectfully tells Ali the story and finally reveals that his Mom has passed away. He promises to tell her stories later but wants to share time getting to know her first.
Someone’s been paying attention to Robert-o’s moves! Go Cape Cod!
Weatherboy steals Ali away and wants to discuss the video shoot kiss. The rest of us wonder why in the world he would ever bring the memory of this tragic event up again to anyone, let alone Ali. But when a boy hits puberty, he needs answers.
Weatherboy: “I’m not sure if you know, but I was nervous today.”
Ali: “Yeah. Got that.”
Weatherboy: “The other boys were watching and it was weird.”
Ali: “I know. That’s why I just went for it. So they would shut up.”
Weatherboy: “So when your tongue did that thing at the end, how…”
Ali: “Oh look at the time!”
Weatherboy: “Uh…do you want to go somewhere and have a real first kiss?”
Before Ali can think of a good excuse, Craig the Informer steals her away to discuss pages 57-62 of his secret notebook.
After discovering Hunter is chosen to be the second one-on-one date, we find Kirk leading Ali to the hot tub. He is a man with a plan.
Kirk: “Making out with you was hot today. I want to know if you felt it too.”
Ali: “Yeah. I felt it on my leg once.”
Kirk: “When I was with you today, I was so engulfed. It felt right. And since we made out like banshees earlier, I’m going to pull you in for a gentle kiss that will rock your world.”
Later Ali told us that Kirk has an energy that draws her to him. She feels safe because of his LIVE STRONG bracelet. And she feels appreciated. Even though they’ve only spoken five sentences to each other, she can tell he is here for her.
After learning that Kirk was making out with Ali in the hot tub, Frank makes a bold move, yet again, and cannonballs the hell out of them in the swimming pool. All the other guys join in soon after except for PG-Justin. Ali giggles and gives the date rose to Kirk.
Just as Cape Cod Chris is about to start a wicked game of Marco Polo, Ali announces that the music video is ready. In case we don’t know, she reminds us that this is a video about how she is having a hard time deciding who she should commit to and then runs away. Because the name of the song that we are contractually obligated to mention four times during the broadcast is “You Run Away.” Trista’s Ryan gets embarrassed at his part and ducks under water. For some reason, I thought that was cute. You go boy without a name!
In what appears to be the next day (Hunter’s date), we find Southern Ty kicking it with PG-Justin and Kasey.
Ty: “I haven’t seen her all week, except when she comes in to pick up another dude up. I want some extra time. And like Chris Harrison said in a moment that is entirely unrelated to what is about to happen, you have to make hay while the sun shines. What I mean city boys, is that you have to use every moment to the best of your abilities. She’s just down the road. How random is that?”
The next thing we know, PG Justin is hobbling out the front door and asking the security guard which direction is Ali’s house. Not one person tried to stop him. And the heat was blistering. You could tell by the live shot of the western sky with the sound of crows cawing in the background. Everyone knows that LA is like a desert. And he crutched a long way. Luckily, the rented chopper was called and we were able to see just how far from an aerial shot. [Cue more sizzling sounds and crow caws.]
As luck would have it, Ali is in the middle of a talking head segment about why she chose Hunter for the second one-on-one date. Playing off of the sweltering heat them, PG-Justin is a hazy mirage crutching up the bottom left corner of the viewer’s screen. Perfectly timed, “What?” and “Huh?” can be heard from the camera man, ABC intern and fashion consultant (who should be fired by the way.) Ali turns around to find PG-Justin making his way up the hill.
Ali OMG’s for 10 minutes and finally gets a clue when PG-Justin invites himself in to rest his foot.
PG: “I walked from the man mansion. I don’t like the fact that I’m held back because of my foot. The reason I’m here is because of you.”
Ali: “OMG! I can not believe you. Let’s sit down so I can lean up against you. I know you just hobbled 10 miles, but it’s the least you can do since you are making me sift through photos of your family.”
PG later admits that he hopes Hunter isn’t mad that he’s eating up so much of his date time with Ali. She gives him a ride back to the man mansion and he sneaks in as if nothing ever happened.
Craig the Informer is on to PG though. He sidles up to him at the pool and notes that he hasn’t seen PG in a few hours. PG claimed he has been asleep. Hunter wanders by and is visibly anxious. He assumes that his date will probably be at Ali’s house and is excited to see it. PG smirks. As if he knows a dirty little secret.
This is when I raised an eyebrow at PG.
PG: “I’d love to spend time at Ali’s house.”
Hunter: “Too bad you’re not buddy.”
Ali rolls in looking as if she has just finished an invigorating yoga session at the gym. Already we can see that she has put little effort in this date. There’s no trip to Hollywood or Vegas for Hunter. No. He is forced to wear and apron and cook five burgers and 13 hot dogs for Ali. In a moment of panic, Hunter reveals that he would be a stay-at-home Dad and calls her darlin’.
Two hours into the three-hour date, Ali decides that the only way she can tell if there is a romantic connection with Hunter is to get him in a hot tub. So they go. And sit. And stare. Hunter pulls out all the stops and tells her that he loves to love. She snaps out of her hot tub fantasy with Kirk and suggests they make s’mores.
Hunter: “I’m not happy with how this has been going. I still have time though. I have to redeem myself and that’s what I’m going to do.”
Back at the mansion, Craig the Informer and Kasey talk shop with PG-Justin.
PG: “I can’t wait for that next chapter in my life to start. Professional entertainment wrestlers are on the road all the time. I’d give that up for a family. I’d retire for her in two seconds. I will literally climb mountains for her. My father wasn’t there. HE was absent in my life. I’d give up everything for that. My wife is my best friend and I want to have kids that I adore.”
Then he starts crying. I’m not making that part up.
Back at Ali’s place, our Bachelorette has put Hunter to work again by asking him to build a fire for the s’mores. Ali settles in with her gooey treat and Hunter begins droning on about how he’s not comfortable moving fast. He talks about walls being down, but not really down and how this is going to be worth it in the end.
Ali: “Okay. I’m going to stop your right there because we’ve run out of marshmallows. Hunter. You are a great guy. But I don’t see this as a love connection. You don’t wear a LIVE STRONG bracelet or have a tattoo. I can’t go out with a guy that doesn’t understand those are important to me.”
Hunter: “Is there anything I can do to change your mind?”
Ali: “Did you bring your ukulele?”
Ali: “Then…this is the end of the road for you. Let’s be friends!”
Hunter confesses that he choked as he drives off in the loser taxi.
Back at the man mansion, the creepy Scream guy comes in and takes Hunter’s bags. PG-Justin yells “I told you so” about 50 times. Then he follows up with, “One man down…13 to go!”
Craig the Informer seeks PG-Justin out because he hasn’t interrogated him in roughly six hours.
Informer: “How are you feeling about tonight’s ceremony? You had one-on-one time, right?”
PG: “What day are you talking about?” [grins]
Informer: “During the group date. You had some alone time, right?”
PG: “I’ll put it this way…the one-on-one time has been amazing.”
Lincee: So cocky. I’m done with you R-Rated.
Ali enters the room and immediately steals Cape Cod Chris away for some alone time. She wants to have a fun, light-hearted conversation with him since he bummed her out about his Mom the last time they were together.
Ali: “What do you miss back home?”
Cape Cod Chris: “I love oysters.”
Ali: “OMG! ME TOO! That freaking kid wearing all denim said they tasted like BEEP when I gave him some. What else?”
Cape Cod Chris: “I like playing Frisbee, basketball and flip cup.
Ali: “FLIP CUP! OMG! ME TOO!”
Note to reader: After a two-second Google search on the phrase “flip cup,” I can report that it is not a distant cousin of the ever-popular horseshoes, but actually a drinking game that involves cups and dexterity.
PG-Justin is feeling the pressure from the guys in the house. He wants to remind Ali that he hiked up to her mansion on crutches because he is in it for the right reasons and not because he’s an entertainment wrestler. She smiles, turns around and backs into his chest.
Our little buddy Steve decides to be impulsive and create a date of his own out in the front parking lot. He takes a blanket and two votive candles, slaps on some lip gloss and runs off to find Ali. She is touched by his dork ways and follows him out front because he promised her champagne. After an insane amount of time passes, Steve is still unable to pop the cork. However, he did hang in there until he told Ali his hands were a little fragile. Ali woo hoo’s when the cork finally pops and they toast to an amazing journey.
Back inside, the evil producers have persuaded Ty to go on a tyrant about PG-Justin. They gather all the Bachelors in a huddle around Ty and encourage him to talk trash about PG.
Ty: “It’s like he’s Mr. Jekyll and Hyde or something.”
Kasey: “Or Dr. Jekyll.”
Ty: “Whatever Kermit. It would be different if a couple of people thought he was here for the wrong reasons, but it’s everybody. Is everybody wrong?”
PG stalks in the corner and waits for the perfect moment to hobble up and ask, “Who are you talking about?”
Southern Ty is pausing for dramatic effect. Robert-o didn’t get this memo and answers for him, “You hombre.”
PG curses for the first time and gets all hot and bothered about how all the guys hate him. He thinks they are ganging up because he is a contender.
Robert-o is tired of playing nice. He finds Ali, pulls her into his chest and whispers that something is off with PG. Ali whips around and confides in him.
Robert-o: “I’ve given him the benefit of the doubt as long as I can.”
Ali: “No joke mi novio. I don’t know what to do about that. You know how he came to my casa yesterday and I was all…”
Robert-o: “Silencio mi amor. Back up. He did what?”
Ali: “Ah caramba. I thought you guys knew.”
Robert-o immediately tells Kasey, Jesse and Ty that R-Rated broke the rules and went to Ali’s house for some alone time. They confront Justin and he blames Our Host Chris Harrison for planting the idea in his head.
PG: “I’ve never experienced this before. It’s challenging. I play the villain in the wrestling world. Now I’m playing the villain in real life. Where are my crutches? I need to find a nice back lit part of the garden so we can get this dramatic moment for my Emmy reel.”
Before handing out her roses, Ali tells the group that this has been an easy process since she is building such strong connections with some of the guys. She knows that tension is high in the house and encourages them to remain dramatic because that’s why we watch the show in the first place.
Roses go to:
Cape Cod Chris
Craig the Informer
It looks like we will be following Ali and the boys as they travel around the world in the weeks to come. Someone will be performing in the Broadway production of Lion King. We finally see the drama behind Kasey’s wrist bandages. And I’m pretty sure it looks like Air Supply will serenade our Bachelorette and her date with a private concert. Score!
Until then, I’m all about the fame, not the same,