Love in an elevator
Ni hao my dear readers! I’d like us all to start a slow clap in celebration of ABC’s valiant attempt to make last night’s episode the most dramatic in this season’s history. I shall submit that watching paint dry and grass grow are no longer more riveting than forcing myself to follow Ashley’s amazing love journey through the Orient. There was dragon boat racing, Hong Kong sight seeing and a moment in which I thought the vein in Our Host Chris Harrison’s forehead was going to pop when he had to deal with the Ashley and Bentley drama. Good times!
But before I get to the recap, I’d like to give a quick shout out to a dear reader who spotted me entering the movie theater two weekends ago. Thank you, striking brunette lady, for taking the time to reach out to me and I apologize for being such a major chach. You see, I’m never…ever…recognized by sight. Typically, folks see my freakishly spelled name and inquire if “I’m that girl with that green bean website” in which I wax on poetically about my love for my readers. I was stunned when you said, “Are you Lincee?” because I thought, “Oh crap. I’ve met this girl before and don’t remember her name!” and was really shocked when you followed up with, “I read your website!”
I was floored, a little embarrassed that I was wearing my favorite Green Lantern t-shirt and proceeded to lose the ability to form words, which is weird because words are my life. You probably went in the theater thinking I was a complete imbecile and then made fun of me when I raised my hands in praise to our good Lord when Ryan Reynolds was on the big screen shirtless.
Since my rude behavior, I’m sure you’ve found entertainment via other outlets and highly doubt you are reading this. In the rare case you are, thank you Green Lantern friend, for seeking me out. I’ve felt a mixture of happiness and sadness since our run-in and would love nothing more than to have the opportunity to be a normal person. Feel free to email me and I’ll surely redeem myself!
On with the recap!
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you poked on Facebook happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nephew/former classmate of someone who is obsessed with the Hunger Games trilogy and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Confucius Say: “The best way to save face, is to keep the lower part of it shut.”
Sadly, Ashley did not get this memo in her complimentary fortune cookie strategically located on her Conrad Hotel pillow and mere seconds into our opening montage, she’s mentioned Bentley approximately 17 times. The notorious “dot, dot, dot” is becoming just as legendary when ABC force feeds us a mini recap of Ashley’s “relationship” with the dill hole. The Junior Graphics Assistant was given the responsibility to make Ashley look super cool as she stood pondering in the streets of Hong Kong as millions of residents passed her by in a hurried blur. That probably took about four hours to shoot and edit. It took me about four seconds to roll my eyes. On top of that, I felt like the producers aired her sessions with the ABC Psychotherapist in voiceover format.
Confucius Say: “To make a long story short, don’t tell it.” Beta cap it.
Mascara running. Dot, dot, dotting. Closure wanting. Bentley pining. Clean break needing. Legs bowing. Vulture flying? World traveling. Hong Kong brooding. Bentley hoping. Street wandering. Bang fixing. Vulture flying? Bentley wishing. Hotel wallowing. Purple comforter yearning.
I know what you’re thinking and yes, I believe it was a vulture. A symbol of how the other bachelors are scavenging the remnants of her squashed heart. Or maybe it was the albatross before it ended up around her neck. Whatever. We need to focus because Our Host Chris Harrison has just knocked on her door and the moment we’ve all been waiting for has finally arrived!
Perhaps it’s because I finally upgraded from my college television set that featured both a VCR and AM/FM radio amenities, but GOOD LORD did you see Harrison’s eyes against that amazing blue shirt? I saw the doorway to a thousand churches, the resolution of all the fruitless searches, the light, the heat…I am complete. My point is that through the power of HD, I think I saw into his soul. And it is smooth, confident and currently bourbon-soaked because a few shots of liquid courage was the only way anyone would be able to make it through the conversation he was about to have with our Bachelorette.
Ashley: “OMG! Chri-ass…what are you doing hee-ahhh?”
OHCH: “I had a 7-2 off suit start and was unable to make a straight.”
Ashley: “That’s great! I love dominoes! But, OMG…I’m scarrrred.”
OHCH: “Well I’m both breathtaking and in a hurry, so let’s land this plane already.”
My hopes of Harrison pulling out his pimped out iPad and showing Ashley the footage of Bentley acting like a total d-bag on camera were quickly dashed. Instead, he tells her that the producers have reached out to “the road block” and Bentley wants to talk to her. She somehow manages to not jump up in joyous pursuit screaming, “BENTLEY” down the halls of the Conrad. Instead, she bites her lower lip answering, “That’s good.”
When Harrison reveals that The Obnoxious One is actually in the building, Ashley shouts SHUT UP and dramatically clutches her neck where her pearls should be. Harrison stifles a laugh and I’m sure a back hand to the bangs before confirming that no, this is not a joke and yes he is practicing the same anger management techniques he used when Roz accused him of skirting around behind his wife’s back.
OHCH: “Look. ABC flew this tool halfway around the world to evoke some sort of closure, or drama or emotional roller coaster from your psyche. I need you to be strong and finally put the nail in the coffin. Can you do that?”
Ashley: “Of course. What room?”
OHCH: “That dot, dot, dot thing is a control factor. Push through and get him to admit what he really wants to say.”
Ashley: “Uh huh. The room was which number again?”
OHCH: “You don’t want to be with someone who is so vague. Do you understand me?”
She blinks away her crazy eyes, adjusts her bangs and waits for the number. Harrison takes several deep breathes, cocks and eyebrow and scribbles the information in his most manly handwriting before setting up a meeting to negotiate a raise in the fall.
Ashley allows enough time for Harrison to arrive on his penthouse floor before sprinting out the door and down to room #4315. We witness a rare moment of hesitation as Ashley pauses outside Bentley’s room. Conceivably, she should have been re-thinking the sheer white blouse and maybe asked the ABC intern to find a pair of jeans that were one size higher, but there was no time to perform a wardrobe switch when her beloved was just on the other side of the door, waiting to embrace her and return to the show so they could officially, by the power of ABC, live happily ever after.
Ashley knocks and…ever the d-bag…asks, “Who is it?”
Check the peep hole you dill wad.
A touch offended, Ashley answers, “it’s me” with the slightest hint of sarcasm in her voice. (YAY ASHLEY!) Bentley opens the door looking like he’s just rolled out of bed (if it looks like a snake and sounds like a snake…) and Ashley lifts up onto her tip toes for a welcome back kiss. (BOO ASHLEY.) I’m pretty sure she only reached just below his chin, but that’s neither here nor there.
They settle in on the canary yellow couch so she can “catch him up” on what’s been going on in life.
Bentley: “I flew around the world to see you. Tell me everything.”
Ashley responds with a surprising opening: “How’s Cozy?”
BURN! The guilt oozes all over Bentley’s face as he mumbles something about his daughter. (GO ASHLEY!) He snaps out of the moment and takes the power back by grabby Ashley’s thigh. She proceeds to melt like butter.
Bentley: “How are you? Are you good?”
Ashley: “Well, after you left, I had a really hard time. I feel guilty because the guys don’t know how hard it was that I was struggling.”
Bentley: “We are on the same page.”
Ashley: “But I can’t do that dot, dot, dot thing. That’s not fair to say you wanted to leave it open.” (YAY ASHLEY!) I have a gut feeling. (Oh no…) I don’t know why you came into my life. Maybe for me to teach you, or you to teach me. (Someone stop her. Please.)
Bentley: “I think you know where I’m at and where I’m coming from? You are here for a reason and I think you are here for a purpose. (Thanks Captain Obvious) And knowing that I’m home, it doesn’t look good for me and you and I would implore you to see all you have here. I guess.”
Thus entered the period.
Ashley: “Okay. You should be a man and admit that. (GO ASHLEY!) I was broken. BROKEN when you left. (TMI ASHLEY…STAY STRONG!) If you came here for the same reasons Michelle Money told me…to leave me with the dot, dot, dot, then mission a-BLEEP-ing-complished. (Alright now. Settle down. It’s time to leave. Oh. Here you go again.) You came all the way here when you could have talked to me on the phone.” (GOOD POINT!)
Bentley: “I came to see you. And that Asian girl hiding in the bathroom. And to grab your thigh again. How are you breathing in those jeans?”
Ashley continues to sit on the couch for two minutes too long. She finally feels she’s given him enough time to try and redeem himself before stalking out of the suite to the elevator. She gets angry, calls him a player and vows to never let anyone treat her that way again before telling the camera, “If you’re watching this Bentley…F*** YOU!”
Stay classy Madawaska.
One-On-One Date One
“Let’s Find Our Fortune on the Streets of Hong Kong”
Lucas is excited to land his first one-on-one date as Sunshine Ryan seethes behind a forced smile. The boys doubt that Big Tex will be coming back.
We join Lucas and Ashley meandering up and down the neon-lit streets of Hong Kong, laughing at dancing dragons and sampling the culinary delights of street vendors before asking a dude behind the hibachi grill for a cheeseburger after admitting that he’s never been to New York City, because he prefers fishing with his buddies.
Confucius Say: “It’s not how you fish, it’s how you wiggle your worm.”
Alas, I am quickly distracted by the intricate workings of Ashley’s top. Sure, the bodice is a billowy yellow number that combines her two favorite features: sheer and off-the-shoulder, but the entire frock seems to be held up by overall straps. Tight white pants (a nod to Ames) pull the ensemble together in a glorious bundle of disorderly confusion.
In other news, Ash was rocking a modified version of the bang braid.
I said it last week and I’ll say it again. Bless her heart and fire the stylist.
Ashley talks about how per-fact the skyline is and takes Lucas to a sailboat to enjoy the view. He calls it a pirate ship as I begin to wonder just how long it will be before she inquires if he owns a horse.
Lucas: “How are you doing?”
Ashley: “Totally Q-all. I haven’t thought about Bentley once. Here’s an appropriate question for a first date: What makes you cry?”
Lucas answers while in the process of shoving, chewing and eventually swallowing his kung pao chicken. I was too disgusted to rewind, but I got the general consensus that his answer was divorce. Ashley is apparently fluent in speaking with your mouth full and gives him the rose for being honest as well as southern. She gives him a peck on the lips out of habit and poor Lucas is so disappointed in this first kiss. Then he tells her that he was disappointed that that was their first kiss and requests if he could kiss her and it was awful and awkward and passionless and I’m hiding behind a cushion because I just want him to KISS HER ALREADY instead of TALKING ABOUT IT.
It starts out with a grab of her chin as he pulls her in. From what I could tell, there were no sparks and JP still reigns as the greatest kisser of all time in season whatever number we are in. The next thing we know, Lucas is trying to two-step to Asian music on a pirate ship. Who cares if I was confused? It was the most romantic night of his life.
“Let’s Get Our Hearts Racing”
Nothing says Asian regatta like a black pair of palazzo pants, black push-up bra and white, long-sleeved transparent blouse knotted up right under the boobs. [Cue Ashley banging a gong. Nice touch ABC intern.]
Our Bachelors will be dragon boat racing against each other! But first, they must pretend to be on the Amazing Race and comb the street for willing participates to row with them. Everyone crowds around Ames, assuming that he is probably fluent in Cantonese before Ashley forces them into groups. To his utter dismay, Blake is coupled with Sergeant Sunshine, the brothers Groban pair off and Oh Mickey didn’t even have to entice Ames to be his teammate by pulling off his shirt or teaching him the secret of incorporating soy sauce into everyday cuisine.
They have one hour! [Cue Ashley banging a gong. Great…this is going to be a thing.]
Blake is quick to admit that Ryan’s sunny disposition is actually helping them recruit fellow rowers. Most are frightened off by his recent facial hair growth, especially the young children he tried to entice (what was up with that?), but few eventually looked passed the manscaping efforts and followed Ryan out to the dragon boat. And to no one’s surprise, Mickey and Ames found an entire band of dragon boat brothers to head up the Black Bandits.
The Grobans do not have such good luck, which is surprising because you’d think the fine folks of Hong Kong would be thrilled to rally around not just one but two international singing sensations. Once time begins to run out, they elect to purchase costumes from the local market.
Groban: “Our charm does not translate in the Orient.”
Greek Groban: “We wont’ win with just two Grobans. But we’ll look damn good in our kimonos.”
The Grobans channel the Eye of the Tiger as Sergeant Sunshine spouts out commands to his team while Ames offers a genuine smile to those on the starboard side of his dragon boat.
AND THEY’RE OFF!
Someone exchanges Ashley’s gong for a drum and she beats out the rowing rhythm for Ryan’s team. However, the Black Bandits are well on their way to victory.
Groban: “Dude. We’re getting smoked.”
Greek Groban: “Like salmon, bro.”
The Grobans begin chanting what they think is “eat it.” Turns out, they were shouting “idiot” to the top of their lungs.
Confucius Say: ”When called an idiot, sometimes is better to be quiet than to open mouth and remove all doubt.”
Mickey feels good about the win until he finds out that the prize is a golden dragon tchotchke instead of alone time with Ashley. He gives it to Ames who has the perfect place for it on the back of his downstairs powder room toilet.
At the after party, Ashley wiggles into a fetching snow leopard patterned mini dress, complete with doggy door sized key hole in the back. She toasts the boys with a refreshing Mike’s Hard Lemonade before retreating to the elevator with Ames who is ready to take their relationship “to the next level.”
Of course, we all thought he literally meant up to the 43rd floor, but that was not the case. Ames breaks out into an uncomfortable sweat as the camera guy, ABC intern, makeup lady and boom mic holder pile into the elevator. He powers through the nausea, leans down and plants a big kiss on our Bachelorette.
“AMES!” she exclaims before going in for seconds. Then the elevator stops and says something in robotic Chinese. Ames smiles, says he didn’t expect that and leans in for another kiss.
1. He kissed her.
2. She went in for a second helping.
3. He kissed her again.
1. He wanted to see what it was like to kiss a girl.
2. She wanted to see if there was any sort of spark.
3. He liked the consistency of her peppermint lip gloss.
Confucius Say: “Woman who falls in love in elevator usually gets the shaft.”
Later, she sits with Groban on the roof as he tells her he was a skeptic, but now believes in the Bachelor machine. He also apparently believes that lemon yellow sweaters and gray jeans are a good look. I’d beg to differ. Unless it was 1987, which it clearly is not, yet Ashley continues to dress like an extra in a Poison video so I can see how one might be confused.
Meanwhile, Blake adjusts his silk black shirt and tells the camera what everyone is thinking.
Blake: “Ryan easy to get along with in small doses. We just want Ashley to see him for who he really is. If she ends up giving Ryan a rose, I’ll pack up and go home.”
Ashley works to carry on a conversation with Ryan, but he’s too busy kissing her hand and practically begging for a one-on-one. I’m busy trying to keep my hot dog down from dinner. PS Ryan: Keep your tongue in your mouth. Nobody wants to see that.
Apparently one woman’s gag-inducing antics are another one’s reasoning for handing out date roses. Whatever. Ryan bugs and I agree with one of the Grobans who said they can’t stand cheese from Ryan or cheese from a can. Well, I agree with that first part. Squeeze Cheese on a Ritz cracker is actually quite delightful.
“Let’s Take a Peek Into Our Future”
JP packs up his favorite jammies and heads downstairs to meet Ashley waiting in her translucent tunic. She takes him to have dinner in the Zodiac Park and immediately starts pounding the sake. JP makes her nervous.
Ashley: “So what’s going on with you?”
JP: “Well, things are great. And surreal. A month ago, I would have never dreamed I’d be here in Hong Kong.”
Ashley: “What about a month from now?”
JP: “I hope I’m getting down on one knee.”
Nice JP. You’ve been taught well. But of course, Ashley asks him a question about his crying habits. What is it with this chick? He talks about his ex and how hard it was to tell your heart something it didn’t want to hear. Fortunately, he has mastered the art of moving on.
Intrigued, Ashley decides that the only way for her to move forward is to come clean with JP. The “breakup” is weighing on her mind. After two minutes of hemming and hawing her intro, JP is convinced that this story will surely end with someone dying.
Ashley: “I saw Bentley two days ago here in Hong Kong.”
JP: “So you’re not pregnant?”
Ashley: “Remember when you came over that time and we totally hung out in our pajamas and drank wine by the fire and I was super sad because I had to send someone home early? Well it wasn’t just someone, it was Bentley. I didn’t get closure and I’ve been feeling strongly since my purple comforter in LA so I asked ABC to go get him and they did and I’m happy to say I have closure and am ready for you to stick your tongue down my throat because you and your kisses are hot and are you mad?”
JP appreciates her honesty, but I detected a chill. He assured her that he would never judge and she should never feel intimidated or anxious around him. She squeals with glee and asks Jordan Paul to accept the rose.
They hop a train and talk about how their relationship is “on track.” Isn’t symbolism fun? JP is crazy about Ashley and does that sexy move where the guy comes up from behind and kisses the girl on the neck. I rewound only twice. Then a Chinese man serenades them with an Asian ukulele that Ashley confidently calls an “air-who-ah” which translates into no telling what because she was in full Kardashian mode.
Just as Bentley implored Ashley to go forth and date, I would implore Ashley to never wear that hideous goddess-inspired formal. Except the goddess inspiration in this case came from a pay-per-view channel. And again…with the see-throughness!
Confucius Say: “Woman who wear g-string, high on crack.”
Ashley adjusts her massive bun, fixes her bangs, hoists her boobs and confidently makes her way into the cocktail party. Since things went so well with JP, she’s excited to share her Bentley story with the remaining fellas.
Ashley: “Heeeeyyyyy guuuuuyyyyyyssss! Remember last week when I was preaching about honesty? Well, I have something to totally tell you guys. Do you remember when per-fact Bentley broke up with me? Well, that was super hard for me because I fell for him in such a short time. I mean FELL FOR HIM heart and soul. But he totally dot, dot, dotted me, which is not Q-all so I convinced Harrison to convince ABC to fly him to Hong Kong, that’s why you guys aren’t staying in the penthouse by the way because they gave it to Bentley, but it’s okay because we talked, I had my closure, told him to F*** off and now I’m finally mentally and physically here for some of you and can’t tell you how great it feels to get this off my chest!”
Because most of us have an ounce or two of proper boundaries when dealing with human, adult emotions, none were surprised by the dudes’ reaction, except Ashley. Throughout her chirpy confession, Blake’s jaw tightens, Lucas face reddens and one of the Groban’s mouth gapes open. She begins to sense something is wrong when Oh Mickey slams whiskey shots and Ames’ mouth adjusts from bright smile to cautious grin.
Greek Groban: “You told me you were over your past relationships. This story sounds contradictory.”
Ashley: “Well, I started to develop feelings you see, but now I understand what Chris was telling me all along about how Bentley was stringing me along.”
Lucas: “Why didn’t you tell us sooner? We’ve been to like three places overseas and stuff?”
Ashley: “Well, I’m telling you now and it feels good to get it out in the open. Closure! I’m moving on!”
Blake: “How do you explain that you had fallen for him even though he’s been gone for two rose ceremonies?”
Ashley: “I’m sorry. Uhm…no one said that I was per-fact or anything. Please, believe me…I mean, I’m here now and excited to see some of you…excuse me.”
Sunshine Ryan is quick to hunt Ashley down, dry her tears and confess that when she told them the Bentley news, his blood pressure didn’t move a beat.
Ames builds her a princess fort out of her gossamer hot pink pashmina and offers these words of wisdom:
“I suppose that we all want our fairy tales to be simple. But sometimes, they aren’t.”
Lucas feels like he’s second fiddle. We all know it’s more like 8th or 9th fiddle at this point, but who cares? Ashley is ready to face Blake who insists that she stand and face the music instead of sitting on the cushy sofa.
Blake: “I feel like you could care less about me.”
Ashley: “Why do you say that?”
Blake: “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe it’s because you practically just admitted to having feelings for a douche you knew for five seconds and have been pining over him for the last three weeks and never even given me a chance to tell you my funny molar story that KILLS at dentist parties because you won’t give me the one-on-one date I deserve. Call me crazy, but I wonder if it’s worth my time to actually stick around?”
Ashley breaks his concentrating by crying. He becomes distracted by her hanging false eyelash and rushes to makeup or Ames to find some glue. Ashley walks right into another bummed out Bachelor as Oh Mickey takes his turn.
“I have a serious question. I don’t know what the hell you see in Bentley.”
Not a question Mickey, but AMEN for asking! He continues:
“If that is what you are looking for, then please send me home.”
Before he or the rest of us knows what is going on, she sends him packing on the rejection dragon boat pitifully waving to the remaining bachelors from the balcony above. Insert squiggly Chinese character for “SEE YA” here.
She returns to the group of ticked off Bachelors and recites a 10 minute soliloquy on how life isn’t fair and how hard it is for her to word things correctly. Amid ugly crying, sporadic hiccups, bang fixing and nose snotting, she thanks each one for being there and vows undying love for a few of them.
Those allergic to tears and emotional basket cases begin to change their tune. Blake now feels sorry for her. JP admits to being on her side. Lucas continues to brood and Greek Groban decides to stay around and see where this journey takes him with his fellow Grobe.
Harrison, forced off his Chinese party barge that Ashley turned into a rejection dragon boat for Mickey, waits with less than eager anticipation for this counseling session.
OHCH: “Rough tonight, huh?”
Ashley: “OMG Chris. I had no idea that the guys would react that way.”
Ashley: “I know, right? I wish I knew how to make them feel special.”
OHCH: “Well, by admitting that you fell in love and then “broke up” with a man three countries ago is not a good plan.”
Ashley: “Do you have any advice?”
Harrison Say: “Alcohol is the cause of some problems and the solution for others. Sake?”
Along with Sunshine Ryan, Lucas and JP, roses go to:
Groban: Please wash and cut your hair dude.
Greek Groban: Please tell Groban to wash and cut his hair dude.
Ames: Clad in white pants, blue blazer and saffron tie! ADORBS!
The rejection dragon boat is brought back for Blake which will take him straight to the Bachelor Pad. Something tells me there’s more to this guy than what we realize. Here’s hoping he has plenty of Lysol and Germ Squirt to last him for a couple of days in that house.
Ashley: “I’m soooooo excited you guuuyyyyyssss! We are going to the hidden jewel of Asia…TAWAIN!”
Ames: “Totally been there. Done that.”
Thanks for checking in everyone. I’m so sorry that it took so long to post today. I’ll try to get it out earlier next week.
All about the shame, not the fame,