Mansion vs. Shack
There’s nothing like starting off an episode with another reminder that DDAHnna got the shaft from Hotter than Crap Brad and is out to find TRUE love.
MAN is ABC jamming this down our throats. Let’s hope she’s not jilted again at the Home Depot marriage proposal pedestal or DDAHnna might fling herself right off of a cliff.
But that’s way in the future. No need to worry about DDAHnna’s potential broken heart right now. I’d rather talk about how Paulie is an exhibitionist, how “former baseball player” Chris should be ashamed of himself and how Graham is slowly climbing up my cool meter, even though I still have a bit of a red flag going off when I don’t concentrate on his body and listen to what he has to say.
Join me as I ponder.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Spring Oreos or have a barber who looks exactly like one of the Bachelors on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Our Host Chris Harrison meets the boys hopping out of the limo. They are the 15 chosen ones who get to go on dates with DDAHnna each week, in hopes of winning her heart.
He points out the beautiful mansion that is behind him and says to the boys, “This is where you WON’T be living. This house is for DDAHnna. You guys are in the guest quarters that are just behind that hill.”
Our Host goes on to explain that each week, the guys will be given the opportunity to move in with DDAHnna…should they get a rose. Therefore, the first three to hit pay dirt with our Bachelorette are Jeremy, Jesse and Richard…the three first impression rose dudes. They get to move in at that moment.
Richard holds his hand up for a high five that no one reciprocates.
Jesse sticks his tongue out while playing air guitar.
And Jeremy gives the peace sign to the remaining 12 as the three head to the mans.
DDAHnna: “Living with three guys is going to be interesting. It’s going to be very intimate. They are going to see me first thing in the morning and the last thing before I go to bed. It’s the best way to find love.”
Geez D. How many dudes do you think will try to sneak in her room when the cameras are not rolling? I’m just saying.
Meanwhile, the other bachelors descend the hill to a quaint little cabin, complete with bunk beds, sleeping bags, fire pit and picnic tables.
ChiCAHgo Fred: “I call it da walk uh shame. Wit each step, we grew fahdder and fahdder from DeeAHna.”
Soul Patch Ron: “I thought I saw a goat walk out of the back of the shack.”
Twilley discovering the outdoor shower: “There’s going to be a lot of shrinkage going on here.”
FYI: Shrinkage count for this season is up to three. For those of you keeping score.
The three chosen ones find their way down to the JV quarters with a date card. Interesting. No boxes for the boys. Just a little scrapbook envelope that DDAHnna or the ABC intern made from their Creative Memories starter kit. Adorable.
Group Date One
“Do You Believe in Magic?”
Single Dad Jason
Ryan the Virgin
Richard the Dweeb
We find DDAHnna bidding Jesse and Jeremy farewell from the hot tub at the mansion. Jesse doing cannonballs as Jeremy counts his many abs. Nice.
DDAH is nervous because it’s her first date since Brad. Well, maybe not her first date, but her first GROUP date with seven dudes that so awkwardly meet her at the door and all fight to escort her to the limo. Paulie is excited and sticks his head out the window like a feisty Yorkshire terrier, yelling “Whoo hoo” down Hollywood Boulevard. DDAHnna’s expression is priceless.
Paulie is getting on my nerves, eh?
On another note, is “lamest” a word? Because this date was the lamest date in Bachelor history. A magician’s club? Seriously? There were four jokes from four different guys who all thought they were hilarious when they told the camera all they wanted to do was make the other guys disappear.
These are keepers!
Single Dad Jason, on the other hand, thinks magic is AWESOME. He is enthralled when a guy pulls a bird out of a walking cane and hands it to him to hold. He then asks DeANNa (quickly corrected by seven eager bachelors that it is DeAHnna) to step in a box. He asks her to choose a friend to join her in the box. She chooses Jason, who has to hand the bird off to the Virgin. He closes the lid, throws some fire on it and opens back up to reveal that they have VANISHED!
The funny part is when you see Jason and DDAHnna practically going down the stairs in the false bottom of the box before the camera pans away. Then we see the pair come out in a “mysterious” room, asking each other, “where are we?”
I half expected the Mystery Machine to pull up and Our Host Chris Harrison arrive on site with some Scooby snacks, but that never happened. That would have been cool. Way cooler than having to sit through this boring date.
So Jason and DDAH talk in the mysterious room about how Jason likes Michael Jackson PYT…not Thriller. (He’s clearly mental.) And how DDAHnna likes Mexican food and practically drinks salsa right out of the bowl.
Then he brings up family and how he lives with his little brother. He asks if she wants kids. She says yes. They sit in awkward silence and he proceeds to chicken out and doesn’t tell her about the most important thing in his life…his son Ty.
Back in the magic parlor, the boys are sitting in silence waiting for Jason and DDAH to pop out of the box. Low and behold they come through a door behind them! Amazing. Simply amazing. DOJO takes this opportunity to steal DD away in hopes to let her know that he is more than martial arts…hi-YAH! Too bad he’s wearing a striped suit, but whatever. He’s in the middle of explaining his favorite parts in Last Dragon and how he is trying to reincorporate Sho’NUFF into standard American vocabulary when the piano starts playing by itself. Oooooooooohh. Creeeeeeeeeepy.
Then the piano starts playing songs that relate to the conversation. It plays Psycho when they talk about how creepy it is that the piano is playing by itself. DOJO continues to talk about how there is a soft side and it starts playing Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.” DDAHnna busts out laughing. DOJO begins sweating profusely. He tries to ignore the piano and continues to power through, even though DDAHnna is totally pumped to hear what the piano will play next.
Cut to ABC intern in piano control room. Who knew he was such an accomplished musician?
DD returns to the other boys.
DOJO tells the camera if he doesn’t get a rose, it’s the piano’s fault.
Piano plays that graduation song from Vitamin C.
Back with the rest of the bored stiff group, DDAHnna insists that each stand up and perform a trick of their own.
DOJO cracks his knuckles.
The Virgin does a card trick.
Richard the Dweeb makes her a flower out of paper.
And then there’s Twilley. What the crap Twilley?
Bless his heart, home slice starts to revert back to High School theater days and practically performs an entire 40-minute One Act Play. At first, everyone is impressed with his energy and creativity. But then, we all start to wonder if he believes his made up story to be true. Does he see the creatures he is defending from the fair maiden DDAHnna? Does he believe he is the handsome Prince in charge of slaying the dragon? If given a semi-pointy object, would he indeed stab another bachelor?
All valid concerns my friends.
DDAHnna gives him the “wrap it up” hand clap and he freaking doesn’t take the hint and continues on and on and on.
The Virgin is now on major alert. What if Twilley is just in this to be a comedian and not for love? He does not believe Twill is genuine.
Paulie wonders, while putting on his pants because everyone knows that sitting for that length of time is more comfortable in your underwear, if Twilley is going to fight for the cause.
Virgin steals DDAHnna away to tell her that he lives life with the intention of being the exception. DD thinks he is so good and playfully wonders aloud if she will corrupt him. Virgin does not laugh. He says that faith, family and football are most important to him. DD wonders if there is room for family and woman in his football career? He dodges the question and says that he is going to play this game fair and never interrupt other dates.
Enter Paulie and ChiCAHgo Fred.
The Virgin leaves confident that he will get a rose. Kiss of death dude.
DDAHnna wants to know more about Paulie, other than Speedo and shrinkage (4). He says that he is the youngest contestant at 23, has been engaged and is ready for marriage and true love.
Wow. Big. Red. Flag.
He grabs her in a hug and she just leans in, a little frightened for her life. Or she’s just trying to not make “Little Paulie” too excited because we all know that pants are coming off soon.
Then she gives him the date rose boutonniere. WHAT IN THE WORLD?
Serious ABC editing going on here. Big time.
It’s no surprise that Graham receives the first one-on-one date. Jesse tries some reverse psychology to make him nervous by saying he’d better come back with a rose or he’s done.
Of course, this doesn’t work on Graham. He’s just wondering if he can wear jeans on the date. He’s not one to dress up.
WE NOW INTERRUPT THIS RECAP FOR SOME BRIEF NUDITY FROM NONE OTHER THAN CANADIAN PAULIE.
Paulie decides to take a shower. Remember, the shower has no door or curtain and is very cold water. He strips naked and lathers up with a big black censor box across his bum. Lovely.
Soul Patch Ron: “He just went for it. He couldn’t resist getting naked.”
Graham arrives at the mans ready to go out with DD and immediately she holds his hand. She drives them to the beach. He thinks this is cool. She thinks he is smoking hot Southern guy which she is extremely attracted to and has a lot of expectations riding on this date.
They attempt to fly a kite. So cute that neither of them knew how.
They sit on some very uncomfortable looking rocks and talk about relationships. Graham shares that he just got out of a major one. DD is concerned it is too soon to enter another one. He says he just wants to be happy and make a connection.
This makes DDAHnna nervous. She wants someone who is in this for HER. FOR HER…not for just a relationship. She knows what she wants. She’s scared she will fall in love and the dude will leave her like Hotter than Crap did.
Later that night, the ABC intern kept it simple with a few strategically placed tiki torches and a bon fire on the beach. Classic intern. Good job. DDAHnna lectures Graham on how he needs to be better in telling her how wonderful she is and that he is in this for the long haul. If he is not feeling it, just say so NOW. Or else fall head first.
Graham tells her, “You are beautiful, fun and have the world at your fingertips. I would love to explore something with you. Now quit making me feel like that dweeb Richard and sit closer to me in this romantic setting.”
Back at the other camp fire in the ghetto, Chef tells the group that sex is a very important part to knowing if you can marry this girl. Ryan stands up and says, “I AM A VIRGIN.” Everyone stares in amazement.
DD and Graham are making S’mores in the campfire. DD tell the camera that she was looking forward to the date and knew he would be getting a rose. But then she got scared. And then around dinner, she wasn’t scared any more. But then she got scared again around tiki time. But then she saw him without his shirt on and said, “What the heck!”
She pins the rose on his fleece jacket and he thanks her in a southern drawl that I adore. Then they kiss. Couldn’t rate this kiss based on bad camera angles, but I figure it was decent.
Let the record show that there is something that still concerns me about Graham. Can’t quite put my finger on it though…
Oh my. Here we are with Twilley again? Ugh. He just creeps me out. He’s whining to Jason that DDAHnna thinks he’s a tool.
Yes. So does the rest of America.
Jason encourages him to go tell her how he really feels and Twilley agrees. I can’t help but to think that this is sabotage.
Twill hides in the flowery bushes waiting for DD to say her goodbyes to Graham. It was awkward and she felt weirded out when he pops up out of the daffodils to say “hey” in the middle of the night.
She appears annoyed when he asks to sit and visit. After leading him to a well lit area and giving “eye contact” to the camera man, they talk about how Twill’s family would love her. He hems and haws and I nearly throw up. He says a bunch of nothing and concludes with how he can’t sum up his feelings in only five minutes. He needs time to prepare. Maybe a soliloquy at tomorrow’s rose ceremony?
DDAHnna agrees, grabs her pepper spray, pats him on the head and bids him farewell. She bounces off to help Jeremy write in his journal, play Guitar Hero II with Jesse and a quick refresher course in the periodic chart elements with Richard.
I love how the boys around the fire side to chat it up about life, love and other mysteries. They congratulate Graham for being the first one to kiss DDAHnna. And then go back to drinking their beer.
Wasn’t it nice? No drama. No gossip. No eye rolling.
SECOND GROUP DATE
“A Diamond is a Girl’s Best Friend”
Cheater and “baseball player” Chris
Soul Patch Ron
First Impression Jeremy
Greek and apparently mute Eric
The boys are going to the baseball field and are PUMPED as they drink adult beverages out of opaque cups. Dodger Stadium baby!
Jesse is excited to show her his athletic side.
Jeremy asks for a high five.
Cheater Chris says he will never forget this moment.
And Tommy Lasorda is passing out Dodger jerseys to all of the boys.
Lovin’ Tommy. Tommy’s cool. Tommy is a legend people!
However…did anyone follow his “I Believe” speech? Oye!
“If you believe in yourself and are the guy to win this lady, make sure you give every once of energy, effort and determination. Do you believe? DO YOU BELIEVE?! Do you believe you can fly? Do you believe you can touch the sky? Do you think about it every night and day? Do you? DO YOU? Believe! I believe! Say it! I BELIEVE!”
The boys being in the presence of true baseball greatness, could care less that they are being asked to shout “I BELIEVE” in front of each other in hopes to win the affections of their little bat girl. Let the games begin!
We will start with the National Anthem.
Let me be clear in saying that for once I’m not going to be sarcastic. I thought it was a true travesty that Cheater Chris did not know the words to our country’s anthem. I thought it very sad, unpatriotic and was thoroughly delighted when Tommy Lasorda calls him out on it.
Cue Lee Greenwood.
Next up is the home run derby. The boys get ten swings and whoever gets the most home runs gets alone time with DD.
Soul Patch starts us off with two homers. He’s in the lead!
Greek Eric gets only one.
Beefcake Brian hits two. He’s growing on me.
Jesse only hits one.
The “professional baseball” player Cheater Chris chokes and strikes out.
Chef Robert claims he is not in his element:
“Maybe if we had a challenge in the kitchen, the dance floor or the bedroom, I would have done better.”
Where’s my bucket? I think I need to vomit.
But sweet first impression Jeremy wins by a long shot with six homers. Even Tommy Lasorda was impressed. They go hand and hand into the dugout to talk about how shy and guarded he is.
DD: “Are you close to your Mom?”
Jeremy: “I was. She passed away. She was the emotional side of me.”
DD: “Are you cool with your Dad?”
Jeremy: “He passed away as well. Died about a year later. Around Christmas. My Dad loved baseball so much. He was my coach until the end. I can’t help but feel him with me.”
DD is smitten.
Back on the field, the group eats hot dogs and wine. Chef’s “real men wear pink” collar is up as he turns his nose to the fact that Beefcake Brian is putting regular mustard on his dog. Eric leads DD out to left field and talks about the wonder that is Greek Orthodox. He plans their wedding like a girl and secretly texts his Mom to go ahead and order the invitations.
Brian steals her away to right field. They hold hands as they walk. She’s very impressed that Beefcake has goals.
Chef checks out his hair in his Ray-Bans.
Back at the shack, Jason talks to his son on the phone and can’t help but to tell the other guys that he is a dad. The Virgin, wearing a sweatband, looks like he’s eaten something disgusting. Has he been lifting weights? Graham says that it’s cool and treats us to another look at his hot body.
Meanwhile, Tommy Lasorda is giving DD relationship advice.
Seriously? Have we resorted to this?
Mr. Lasorda goes off on another tangent about having a crystal ball and looking to the future and seeing what she BELIEVES. She walks confidently over to Jeremy and asks for some alone time.
Chef: “He’s about to be rosed.”
DD and Jeremy talk about how he opened up and that is what she needed. What they didn’t know is that the ABC intern put the ENTIRE THING ON THE JUMBO TRON! And you could even HEAR them! I thought this was totally awesome and will sing the praises of the ABC intern for the rest of the season. Absolutely fabulous.
The boys are angry that they have to witness this. Bats are thrown. Names are called. Eyes begin rolling. Loving it!
DD kisses Jeremy on the cheek about 12 times. Then they go out to watch fireworks.
The shack boys come up to the mans and meet Jeremy, Jesse and Richard in the rose ceremony room. Jeremy says, “Welcome to our home.” He was being completely sarcastic. But the boys don’t take that lightly. Soul Patch Ron gets pissy and Twilley works extra hard to open his eyes a little wider in shock.
Soul Patch grows a pair and asks DDAHnna: “If this is about getting to know people, why would you give Jeremy another rose?”
DDAHnna tells the camera that Jeremy opened up to her again. If the other guys want in the mansion, they should step it up.
As if on cue, Twilley drags her away…again…to tell her that he has a serious side. I am so over this dude.
Thank goodness Jeremy steals her away. She finds sanctuary in his embrace and they talk about how the others don’t understand the connection they have. He explains the sentence he recited to her four episodes ago, and tells her it means that he is in this for her…not anyone else. Who knows if he was lying? No one remembers dude. But anyway, she thinks this is sweet and they kiss, again, on the cheek. Then Jeremy goes in for the kill. Kisses her deeply and tells the camera that he is falling for her.
Jeremy walks back into a testosterone situation of raging hormones. They begin to pick fights. Chef says Jeremy bugs. Soul Patch says that he is unprofessional and immature. And the Virgin calls him a Dick Tracy. Minus the Tracy.
What a gentleman.
Soul Patch Ron runs to find DD and straight up asks if his divorce bothers her. She says no. He is relieved because he is looking forward to marriage and a herd of kids.
Back in the rose ceremony room, the Virgin and Jeremy are standing nose-to-nose. I’m assuming punches were about to be thrown, but Jesse lightened the mood and suggested a friendly game of push ups.
The Virgin appreciated the offer, but happily declined. Until DD walked in and stated that she LOVES competitions. Assume the position men!
One-by-one they clock out. It’s down to Jesse and Brian. They reach the 100 mark and Jesse beats the ginormous Beefcake. He gets some one-on-one time as a prize.
Jesse uses this time to say that he understands he can’t be a professional snow boarder for his whole life. He wants to be a stay at home dad and make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
I’m just going out on a limb here and saying that I’m willing to bet DDAHnna would want to be the one who stayed home. Is that just me?
Our Host Chris Harrison finally clinks his “game over” glass and takes DDAHnna to the Pier One bureau. When she returns, roses are awarded to:
Graham the Hottie
Jeremy the Front Runner
Soul Patch Ron
Jesse the Snowboarder
Brian the Beefcake
Jason the single dad
Richard the self proclaimed Dweeb
Twilley…are you FREAKING kidding me?
The Cheater, the Greek and the Virgin are all sent packing, even though the Virgin was voted friendliest in his 8th grade class.
Poor DDAHnna starts crying and runs off to visit with the ABC psychotherapist. It’s just so hard breaking hearts. And it only gets harder.
She returns to the men and thanks them all for being here. She truly believes that one of them is her husband.
Next week looks super fun! A wild west adventure. All the boys in straw hats. This can be a good thing, or a bad thing. And there will be dancing. Line dancing. Ouch.
All about the shame, not the fame,